Me and my emotions...letting GO

Yesterday was one of those days that was too much for me to tolerate emotionally. After everyone had left work for the day I sat alone at my desk and bawled my eyes out. It was just one of those days...I was feeling sorry for myself. Ron called in the middle of my sniffle session and I couldn't hold back the tears long enough to talk like nothing was wrong. I'm terrible at that. Espcially when I'm in the middle of it. He consoled me over the phone and told me to calm down and come home to relax and tell him all about it. So even though I wasn't done with what I'd intended to do, I got the hell outta the office and drove home. Through my pathetic tears I told him all about Dakota's death, my pap results, feeling like an ass at work (even though everything is fine and I DID get my raise after all) and my lonliness. He just listened, hugged and consoled me some more. We sat down with a couple of beers and talked calmly after my tears stopped. He made me feel so much better and I was finally able to relax. Then I wanted to be alone and he let me be while I went into my room to read. Then I put on my headphones and fell asleep to some tunes. Next thing I knew it was midnight and I had headphones on my neck and cord twisted around my shoulders. But my bottom half was covered with a blanket a la Ron. Sweetie pie.

I basically need to learn not to let people get to me so much. The same thing I ALWAYS basically need to learn. I'm still way too sensitive and worried about what people think of me. Sometimes I try too hard. Sometimes I let people make me feel like I owe them something. I'm too easily minipulated by my own out of whack sense of guilt. Sometimes I'm too genuine and give too much only to be easily taken advantage of. Sometimes I hold back when I shouldn't... What I should do is sit back and not give such a huge shit about it. No one is worth it until they've proved themselves to me. If they don't like me, fuck 'em! I have to STOP WASTING ENERGY ON THESE FUCKS WHO AREN'T WORTH IT!!!

I guess what got me thinking is the fact that I just stopped talking to my ex's best friend. And he made me feel very bad about myself. All we were doing was instant messaging here and there. Not very much at all, mostly while I was at work and needing some social interaction. But I realized that I really needed to completely cut all ties with him, as I am in a somewhat new and serious relationship now and he was a very very short rebound relationship after my ex. I don't need him in my life, why am I still talking to him? It's not right, to me, because there was sex involved and it's ALL OVER. It was over before it started. I always thought of him as a pervert because he was so obsessed with sex. Gross. I sent him the last instant message, telling him that I was sorry but I didn't think we should talk anymore. He was "hurt" and rude to me in return. He thought we were "friends". I don't believe in being friends with men I've had any sort of sexual or emotional relationship with. I know it's not always that black and white, but it's generally a good idea to cut ties with those people, ESPECIALLY when you are in another serious relationship. Unless you were friends for a long time before it got more "complicated", so to speak, I don't really see a reason to carry on. This fellow betrayed his best friend. I rebounded. That's it. It's over. There are plenty of other people out there who ARE worth my time. This was a situation that made me think of how I need to communicate my feelings better and be more confident. Don't let this guy make me feel bad. I don't owe him anything. I need to let it go, let go of the people that I don't feel are good for me. Don't lead them on, don't sugar coat it. It wasn't cool of me to still be friendly to someone who I didn't really want anything to do with anymore. Boredom again...I wanted to instant message with someone at work. Maybe get a little gossip about the ex. In the end I'm glad because I want NOTHING to do with any of that past. Those people should remain in the past. Time to completely let go.

OH just get OVER it, will you?!

This day sucks. I just found out that my pap results are abnormal for the third time this year. Now I have to go to the fucking gyno AGAIN and get another type of test. I hope my insurance covers it. I hope I don't have cancer or some other disease.

It doesn't help that I'm feeling lonely and sorry for myself lately. I'll snap out of it like I always do... Sometimes it's hard to be all alone at the office day in and day out. I like it because I don't have to deal with assholes, but then I miss people. There are still nice people out there and I want to meet them. But I'm bad at it. Well, there just haven't been very many opportunities to meet new people lately. I know I have a great boyfriend and a couple of very close friends that I've known all of my life...but I long to make more friends. Oh hell, get over it and get on with life...

*sigh*

Okay, so yea...just got back from a meeting with the boss. Seems my approach in asking for a raise was a bit out of character to him. Good thing he knows me well and is very understanding. Another lesson learned by me. Seems I'd psyched myself up for this asking for a raise so much, that I came off with a sort of an attitude that I should not have had. He said it just wasn't like me and he could TELL I was nervous. GAWD I'm lucky. I simply MUST count my lucky stars. Any other company would have kicked me out on my sorry ass by now. So then I got more of an evaluation and took note of a couple of things that I need to improve on...mainly my lateness. Typical, I figured... And I did get the raise I needed! HURRAAAYYY!!!! I am soooooooo damn lucky. Now...keep doing a good job and be consistent and GET MY ASS HERE ON TIME!!!

Now that that's all done I'm very sad about something else... My friend Kim's doggie died of kidney failure yesterday. I got an email from her this morning. I feel like I've lost one of my own pets. Dakota was such a sweetheart. I'm really gonna miss him. I feel so bad for Kim 'cause she was so attached to him. She adopted him as an older dog, so she only got to spend about five years with him. He was one of those animals that had a special spirit. He will be missed. A moment of silence for dear Dakota...

Work follies

Hoo. What a day. First thing that comes to mind is I'M SAH-Oooooh tired!!! Ugh. My boss was at another convention last week and we reaped the benefits of it this week. Oh yea...good 'ol reapin' consisted of 50 billion orders. I misjudged how long getting all the orders ready for shipping 'cause we usually have much less orders to deal with. We are a growing company so we've slowly been getting busier. But the beginning of the summer lagged. This week I've been enundated with orders. Summer is coming to a close and that means bunnis is gon' start pickin' up. It reeeeally started last Monday. You'd think I'd know how much time to give myself. Actually, I think it had to do with the fact that I was just plain BUSY with a million things. We've been picking up as the summer comes to a close. Looks like I'm really going to have to step it up. No more diary updating during the day. I'd much rather have it busy, however, because it couldn't be more true that it makes the day go faster!

Yesterday we had the company meeting...all four of us. This includes the 62 year old Philippino shipping warehouse lady (OH such a treat to work with *uhhsarcasm), the president who started the company ten years ago, the vice-presiden who is a friend the president met at a convention (he was hired for his outstanding marketing skills) and me, the secretary/office manager doer-of-all-pertinent-bullshit employee. There are certainly pluses and minuses in working for a small company. Short, infrequent meetings, cool...no benefits, BAD...being in charge of a lot, cool...being in charge of a lot, BAD...eh...I dunno. The meeting went well and I found out from both the bosses that I'm doing a great job. The subject of a raise for me did not come up during the course of the meeting with the four of us. After about an hour we dispersed again, the president got on the phone and I went downstairs away from her and asked the vice president (my boss) for a raise. I brought it up in my shy-awkward way...stumbling about to get the proper words out of my mouth. *sigh* I still lack so much confidence it's rediculous. I'm never gonna get anywhere in life and I'm always going to be borderline poor if I don't get some more fucking confidence in the workplace! AH! But that's another benefit of a small company! It's not so formal so I can be my assinine self! But I should move past that now and work on being more of a professional. I AM for the most part...but I need to work on. There's ALWAYS room for improooooovement! BAH!! Yea, but I managed to get the message across and with a knowing, friendly smirk my boss said he'd talk to the president and, "see what he could do." Nifty. Rah. Shish-boom-bodily. I done did it. So I'm hoping and praying they can come through with something because I really really really really really really really really really really really could use one. I can't stress that enough.

Oh to be blessed with such artistic talent and to be struggling in a lame secretarial job. Fuck. Ah, but it's no one's fault but my own!

Just screwin' around

HAHAHAHAHA!! Wait! Wait! ONE more entry! I'm sitting here fooling around and had uploaded some pics off my camera. I'd forgotten about these, as they were taken around Christmas.

Me drunk

Me drunk...um...closer

Stanley drunk...well, he was coming off of the sedatives from when he had a major teeth cleaning. He was laying on the floor just like this for HOURS! Hehehehe!

One of my tattoos (I have three) that I drew.

Okay, that's it. I must go now. Really.

Lover

One more thing... This is how much of a lover Pickles is...When he's not hanging out on my shoulder or in my shirt, he's right on my chest waiting for kisses. Birds are weird, a pain in the ass sometimes...but so very worth it. When it comes to pet devotion, there is nothing like a birds love...except, of course, a CHILD's love. Oooh, oooh, that's gonna be fun... I'm sure, I have NO IDEA.

New Baby!

WWWOOOOOHHH!!!! I'm getting my new baby next week!!! I went to the parrot store and picked out my little baby boy parrotlet today. I put down my deposit and they said he should be ready to come home next week! ALRIIIIIGHT!!!! I'm pretty damn excited! I'm gonna go pick out a new cage this week. Ron showed me this great discount pet supplies place so I'll be checking that out for sure.

EEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

AWWWWW!!! So cute and little with the cutest chirp!

Pretty soon I'll post a picture of my actual bird. This is just the one I found on the internet. But he looks just like it. I'm happy because Pickles won't have to be alone anymore. He grew all his feathers back from the latest plucking episode but has done it again. Only on one side of his body this time. Yep, once they start... He's been doing it for two years and is normal in every other way. Oh well, he's a happy bird. I give him plenty of attention and I'm not gonna worry about it anymore. Just glad he'll have a friend. This time I'm keeping the new bird! No more new pets for me. I'm still looking for a home for Caramel. I've extended my search to online as well...rat forums and such.

Tonight consists of relaxing with Ron. Hanging around the house, watching movies, playing video games. We ran a few errands earlier today. We also went to the music store and I got myself a new CD and a DVD. I spoiled myself a bit today. I haven't gotten any entertainment in ages. I'm enjoying my new CD, "The Killers" at the moment. I really hated the first song that they put out about a year ago and didn't think I'd ever like them. But the radio kept playing more and more of their songs and I found that I really like them. I usually don't listen to the radio much, but I've been doing so a bit more lately. I think I'm at the age now that I don't really like newer music. I'm picky...

That's about it. I'm gonna go watch another movie with

Stressed

What a week I've had. Just plain exhausting... Both at work and at home. I'm extremely happy that it's Friday and I have nothing planned for this weekend. I need to use this weekend to get the little things done, cleaning, running errands and then just plain relaxing. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything.

Last weekend was a lot of fun. I really enjoyed the beach on Saturday and introducing Ron to my extended family at the beer bust on Sunday. It was a little disappointing that there weren't as many people there as there usually are, but it was still a lot of fun. Ron was quite impressive...my mom nearly shit her pants when he gave her the little bell from Alaska. She kept repeating..."I can't believe how THOUGHTFUL he is!!" He was his usual funny self, too. I loved it.

I had to pet sit this week for an old boss. I worked for her and her husband about five years ago. They were a really nice older couple who ran a small company that sold asphalt maintenance equipment. Man...the weird ass businesses I've worked for... Anyway, her husband passed away about two years ago. We've kept in touch on and off and I mentioned I do pet sitting. She'd always bring her dog into the office during the day, a nervous, but sweet minature german shepherd girl named Andi. She was the type of dog that didn't take easily to strangers but trusted me pretty much right away. Hence, I was asked to pet sit as soon as she needed someone. It was just for a few days this week, Sunday through Wednesday...

Well, it went fine except for the diarreah accidents on the living room rug that happened sometime in the middle of the night on Monday and Tuesday nights... I had attributed these incidents to "missing mommy" syndrome...her widdle tummy being upset 'cause mommy's gone...but it turns out that I had fed her a bit more than she was used to. I was only supposed to give her about an eighth of a HUH-ooooj can of wet dog food mixed with her 1/2 cup dry, as opposed to the third of a can I'd given her each day. That mixed with the fact mommy was gone made her explode. I was okay with the first accident, but waking up to the second one sent me off. It's a long story that I don't feel like writing about...but this week involved depression, an anxiety attack and a horrible headache set off by me stressing myself out for no reason. Well, it wasn't really for NO reason...it's just that I'd had it. Too much has been going on for me to handle lately. Especially since I've been in a "mood" this week, not really wanting to do anything. I ended up staying home from work and sleeping all day on Wednesday. That helped some.

I don't really like having to live in two places. Although I got paid quite well for the few days I spent(she was so sweet and felt so bad about me having to wake up to shit on the rug), I'm not sure if it's worth it. I always have to make sure to go home and take care of my pets as well and after a day or two, this becomes a huge drag. Especially when it's been a very busy couple of weeks. I don't take stress well at all. Not to mention not getting enough sleep. Sleep deprivation + stress = huge anxiety attack. I had the attack on Wednesday morning when backing out of the lady's driveway. I had a splitting headache and obviously couldn't drive straight. I went of the curb and the next thing I know I hear scraping on the street. I pull over at the nearest street, get out and look under my car from the BACK and see what looks like a "pipe" falling out of the bottom of my car. I panic, get back into the car and dial Ron. He groggily says he'll be there shortly and calm down, asks me what street I'm on... I just sit in the car all headachy, stressed out and depressed, waiting waiting waiting. I call work and tell 'em what's going on, not sure what time I'll be in... Then I see Ron sail by behind me. I try his cell and he doesn't answer. I get out and run back to the house and he's not there. I panic and panic and start crying...walking back and forth from the house to my car. Finally, after calling him a couple more times, I get into my "broken" car and move it, scraping all the way, back to the house. Ron pulls up a couple of minutes later. He'd gone to four gas stations asking them where "Rose Glen" was and no one knew. I didn't tell him it was actually "Rock Glen". Then he looks at my car and starts laughing hysterically...it was the fucking air spoiler that had partially fallen off. A little non-critical piece of fucking PLASTIC. I was mortified and apologized through tears... He was very understanding and sweet, pulled off the part and said we'd attach it this weekend. We just need to get some gaskets. He told me once again, like so many others have, that I need to calm down and think things through before I start to panic. Me and my snowballing... I hate it...

So after two weeks of being busy busy busy and partying partying partying...I am fucking exhausted. No more. Oh yea, and Devons fairwell was fun. The four of us went to a nice dinner. I couldn't afford it, but oh well. It sucks he had to go. He'll be gone for another year. Hopefully he'll email more this time. That's it for now. Shit, I guess I DID feel like writing about it! Hehe, therapy. Well, work beckons. *sigh* Another stress...boss is back and things are all crazy here. Got a million things to do. Bye bye for now...

My vacation

Finally, I have time to add an entry. What a week! It was a fantastic week though! Simply wonderful! I guess I'll start from the beginning...

Ron's homecoming...ahhhhhhhhh...it was so fucking great! Missing him so much just made the homecoming all the more sweet. He got home at about 11:00 a.m. on Saturday and I was still in bed. I'd had a horrible, horrible dream that morning. It was the first time in my life I'd even had a dream bad enough to make me wake up just bawling. I've had bad dreams and been sad upon waking, or crying in my dream, but never ever like this. I don't remember it anymore, I tried my very best not to think about it. The feeling that it left in my gut was enough. All I remember is that my left knee had something very wrong with it in the dream and I was hobbling around. I was so relieved when I woke up, too. Ohhughg...I've never felt such relief that it was JUST a dream... I sat there crying and crying. Then I got up and walked around the house...it was about 5:45 a.m. I was just limping and crying, not fully awake. It was terrible. I saw Ron's cap sitting on the table and I picked it up and went back to bed, clutching it and crying. I finally fell back to sleep after about an hour.

Okay, so back to the homecoming... I was gently awakened by a hand lightly rubbing my bare leg. As soon as I opened my eyes, he was standing over me all clean from a shower. He smelled delicious. I let out an "Oh poopie..." in a sleepy voice and he climbed in bed and gave me a huge, loving hug. Then we kissed and kissed and kissed and kissed and kissed... Then I stripped off my pjs and we made hungry love. Aaahhh...making love after not seeing each other for so long...just fucking beautiful. Afterwards, we got up and went into the living room and he started telling me all about his trip. He came home with treasures, too. He gave me a cute little shot glass, a squeezie bear keychain (ya squeeze it and poo comes outta the end and goes back in), a deck of cards with the Northern Lights on them, a t-shirt with an Alaskan local bar on it and best of all, a beautiful pair of jade (the precious stone of Alaska) turtle earrings. They're simply adorable. He also brought home other goodies...smoked salmon, king salmon filets... Haven't had the filets yet, but we dug into the smoked salmon. We ate a whole, huge filet. It was mudda-fuckin' deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelicious!!!!! Unfortunately, it must have been a little bad, because within a few hours I was literally peein' out my ass. Mmmmm, yea...gettin' a little graphic here. I did that all night. Ron started getting the poopies Sunday morning. But having the poopies wasn't so bad 'cause we were just home relaxing and watching movies. It was too HOT to do anything else. Sunday was more of the same, pooping and relaxing. We each threw up on Sunday morning, too. Isn't that niiiiiice? I'm not going to be able to indulge in the smoked salmon for a while. Every time I think of it, my stomach turns a little.

Sunday night was the Robert plant concert. It was a lot of fun, but not as fun (or good) as the Judas Priest show. Let me put it this way, Led Zepplin is now officially Dead Zepplin. The thing that we didn't like the most about it was the fact that almost none of the songs sounded like the originals. I didn't even recognize "Black Dog" or "Good Times, Bad times", two of my favorite songs. This particular tour of theirs was called "Mighty Re-arranger. Yea, re-arranged songs...um, no. Good 'ol Robert-don't-call-me-Bob-Plant (Ron's name for him) is now an 'ol man. He even danced like one, swaying back and forth like a dork. Ron expected them to launce into a fuckin' ho-down!! But it was still a lot of fun and I enjoyed myself thoroughly.

Monday, after some last minute preparations, Melanie, Devon, Rich and I left for the Kern River up north. We left about 4:00, the stoner laggers we are, but didn't hit too terribly much traffic and were outta the grisly city before we knew it. The trip was a fucking BLAST from the minute Melanie backed outta my driveway. Although, Melanie doesn't like to use her air-conditioner, so the drive was kinda hot. We didn't up to the site until about 8:30. Parked the truck in the alotted spots a little way away from the road and hiked down to the river. It was short hike, but we had to climb down a bunch of rocks. I found out in no time that my flip-flops were not going to cut it for the terrain. I had to climb on all fours every time we encountered rocks (a LOT) and I have lil' boo-boos on my feet from them. They sucked. I must get the correct sandals for next time. We got down to the site, and Melanie and I started putting the tent together while the boys went up and got the rest of the stuff. Okay, the TENT. Hehehehehehehehe! I can't even think of the tent without chuckling. Melanie's mom let her borrow a tent for our trip. She said it was a four-person tent, easily. She obviously sent us the wrong tent. Definately the wrong tent. When we took that sucker outta the bag and laid it out, it looked more like a fucking 20 person fortress. It looks complicated, shall we get the directions? Surprise! There ARE none! Woowoo! SOOoooh...Commence blindly assembling a fucking HUGE ASS tent, ten thousand pipes and all...that's when we found it it was gon' be a tad bit more complicated than we thought. The pipes were all different lengths, we didn't know how to put them in the ground, we tried again and again, it collapsed a few times...thus, there we were standing there just totally bewildered by the time the boys got done. So we got Rich involoved. The minute he saw it he was like, "OH shiiittt, heeeeere we fuckin' go!" Now, Rich is a really motivated guy. He likes to accomplish shit. We worked on that fucker for another 45 minutes. But we did it! We got it to stand!!! We were so pround of our finished product. Pretty fucking awesome. Check it out:

Yea, it collapsed on Tuesday, but never once while were were in it and ONLY once. So we were proud of our shelter. We made absolute sure to send Melanie's mom the pictures and give her a good belly laugh. Monday night was the first lovely camp fire. We got buzzed on our vodka and fruit punch and just chilled. Of course we had s'mores. Couldn't WAIT for that shit to happen!! Tuesday was spent doing a little hiking, looking for the perfect spot to play and hang out at the river's edge. We found it only about a five minute rock hike from our campsite. That first dip in the river is indescribable. Something between an orgasm and eating chocolate. OH! OH!!!! AAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh..... We spent the whole afternoon basking on the rocks and dippin' in the river. Then we went back to the campsite and sat in the little pool at our little private beach. The fucking definition of relaxation right here, man...

Some more AAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... Perfect way to spend the day. Oh yes, and when we arrived back at camp, we were greeted by the sight of our collapsed Chatau ou' Meljulrich...

After putting it back up and securing it a little better (at least the front) with some boulders, we started making the campfire. This was to be the event campfire. The bomb campfire. Theeee shit. We got 'er going and made a dinner we'd been starving for... Chicken breast and pork filets with garlic, salt, pepper, butter and sliced plums sliced on top, baby potatoes and sweet corn onna cob. MMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, so fucking GOOOOOOOOOD!! We wrapped the food in foil with butter, etc and roasted it over the fire in these cool litte cages...ya put the food in the middle, lock it in and cook. The food turned out deeeeee-ah-leeeeee-fuckin'-licious, for lack of a better description. After our gorging session came the s'mores. More sensational mouth bliss. And by this time we were good and buzzed. I loved the moments of silence, just listening to the river rushing and the rythmic singing of the crickets. And the STARS the beautiful, gorgeous, dazzling and ultra-magnificent fucking STARS! GAWD I love camping. It had been too long. I'm so glad we went to the river instead of the Joshua Tree though. We surely would have died a painful death due to the intense desert heat. No shit, eh? It hot enough at the river, which made having a body of cool water nearby very convenient and very perfect. It also came in handy when the s'more-fest got outta hand. By the time I was done, I was covered in marshmallow.

The ending to our perfectly relaxing day came when we literally dragged ourselves to our tents. I was out in about 30 seconds. Unfortunately, we had to leave too early on Wednesday, Rich had to go into work that evening. So it was up and at 'em for another quick dip in the river before we had to start cleaning up and hit the road. I was feeling quite low while packing, it was too soon to leave. I needed at least one more full day of river. On the drive home we stopped at a diner in Kern county and had a delicious breakfast. Then it was the hot drive home. When we got home, Melanie dropped me off at my house and I put my stuff indoors, checked the zoo and went back to her house for a dip in the pool with her and Devon. They got out after a few minutes and I stayed in to swim like a fish. I love swimming so much. I usually swim around like a seal underwater for a while before I start getting into swim team lap mode. Every time I get into a pool I have to do at least one or two laps of each stroke (six years of swim-team in highschool and jr. college drilled this into my brain). So I don' did a little free-style, little breast-stroke, little butterfly (my stroke in highschool woowoo go me) and a little back-stroke. After a some more seal behavior, I had to get out because I felt my eyeballs being slowly disintegrated by the chlorine in the water.

After my swim it was a quick bowl with Melanie and Devon and then I went home to shower (another orgasmic experience, that and getting my filthy ass into the pool) and lay my exhausted, burnt ass on the couch. Ron got home from work and we just chilled before I had to go to bed to get up for work on Thursday.

I simply have to go camping more often. I can't even fully express how much I adore it. This vacation was glorious. Going back to work was horrid. But I'll get into that more in my next entry. It's a good thing I went back Thursday and Friday though, the place would have been a mess. Plus it was nice to get in a couple of days and then have the weekend to look forward to.

This weekend has been great so far. The beach today and tomorrow is our annual family beer bust at my aunts house. Get to show off Ron to more of my extended family. With that I'm going to post. This is, I think, my longest entry yet. I had to get up a few times so my ass wouldn't fall asleep. Later!

Quickie

I have plenty to update about, but no time at the moment. Busy as fuck at work. It was a great vacation though...way too short as usual. The boss is in town so I haven't had much time to do anything else. I'll try to update when I get home tonight and am considerably more relaxed. Later!

The band played on

Just a quick entry before I have to leave work and go home to my hothouse. I'm very happy that it's Friday and the start of a long weekend for me. I made sure to get everything done so I can relax for the weekend. It was quite a busy day for me. It even included stressing out over the phone bill and CRYING to the SBC account manager I have been talking to every fucking month...trying and TRYING to resolve all of these billing issues. I refuse to talk to any more people in any more fucking departments. I cannot BELEIVE the incompetence, it just FLOORS me that they can't fix it after six fucking months!!!! It's driving me insane. I finally broke down because I simply cannot justify paying an $880.00 phone bill when our bills were always between $250 and $400 per month. Each month things have gotten more and more screwed up because some fuckhead in some department did something wrong. I especially want to resolve this bullshit because the owner of the company will be staying here from the 29th of July to the 18th of August! She's a nice lady yadda yadda but her type A personality really gets on my nerves after a (little) while. She's a rich workaholic. We are entirely different people. So yea... Vacation time for me. And soon after I get back, I'm sitting both my bosses and the shipping lady down for a company meeting. We need to communicate a little more than we have been. And I am getting my raise! Hmph!

Yesterday I got to leave work early to go to a doctor's appointment. I wanted to go to an M.D. and see if I could get some help with my costly prescriptions. She helped me out quite a bit. Plus I finally only had to pay a co-pay, instead of full out of pocket like I always have been. Fuck, I don't think I've ever had a decent insurance plan. I also got my third PAP smear of the year. My other two came out with a few abnormal cells. Nothing serious, says gyno, just keep coming back for these goddamned expensive-ass tests. The fact that I had to drive all the way to shits-ville downtown L.A. (the closest gyno my other shitty discount plan could find for me) didn't help at all. I just hope there's nothing too wrong with me. I'll find out in a couple of weeks. I'm going to try not to worry too much. *gulp* I'm tired of all these doctors appointments.

Last night was fun. HOT, but fun. I picked up Devon from Melanie's on my way home from my appointment. He's staying at Melanie's until he leaves to go back to China on the 28th. Since Melanie wasn't home from work yet, we got to spend some time talking. It was fun filling him in on all the ex bullshit and things that Melanie had already heard. It was also quite interesting hearing about his China adventures. Quite interesting INDEED. Then we went to my house and met up with Melanie and Rich. Devon was fascinted by Rosie spider. He actually held her! Everyone is petrified of her, even Ron. Devon has been thinking about getting one because they're so intriguing and cool looking. It helps that they're so low maintenance, too. For dinner we ordered pizza and breadsticks. I totally pigged out. I think it's partly because I waited too long to order and it took a while to arrive. Everyone was starving. I'm a great hostess! Devon and I went out later and got a cherry pie. Ooooh I was bad...of course we were all high so I had twice as much food as I normally would. PIGGY. But it was fun, what the hell! We spent much of the evening out on my cute porch, surrounded by the cool candle torches Melanie gave me for my birthday. Now there's a lovely coat of wax on parts of my plants. Oh, and my porch. It's probably all melted again. Once everyone left, around 10:30 or so, I had another peice of cherry pie (oink) and donned my wet clothes for bed. This time I just put on my shorts and tank top and jumped in the shower to give myself a nice blast of cold water...WOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo-eeeeeeeeeeeee!!!! Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh... And then, yes, the fffffffffffaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnn........

I'm very excited, only one more sleep 'til I gedda seen Ronnie poopie poopie poop! Okay, I'll stop calling him that...really. Um yea, and I get to sleep in! I don't know how fun that will be in this oppressive heat, but I'll make the best of it. If I have to I'll just wet myself again. No, in the shower... Hehehe...wet myself... I think tomorrow will be spent vegging around (and having lots of sex) with Ron. Can't wait! He said he should be at my house by noon. That's about when I'll want to drag myself out of bed. Maybe Sunday we'll hit the beach before we go to the Robert Plant show. It's a local show, which is great, and it's not until the evening. I hated having to drive all that way to the Priest concert, that sucked. Especially on the way home when we were tired and drunk.

Wow, so much for the "quick entry". I just don't want to go hooooome. It's gonna be so hooooot. I HATE THIS WEATHER! MAKE IT STOP!!! Seriously, should I go pick up a kiddie pool? Have it in the middle of the living room? Hehe, maybe. Maybe I'll go swimming at Melanie's tonight. I'll most likely end up going there to hang with them anyway, seeing as I won't see them Saturday or Sunday. But we will be spending time together camping. We decided to go to the mountains instead, I think I may have mentioned that in my last entry. The desert = complete HELL this time of year. No shit, eh?

Okay, it's time to go. I guess I'll stop off and eat something in air conditioning, somewhere... Not sure where. Maybe get a sandwhich. I don't know. I hope Pickles still has all his feathers when I get home!

HELL

I HATE SUMMER! I HATE IT I HATE IT I HAAAAAAAAAATE IT!!!! It is so fucking HOT outside! AARRRghghghgh!!! I don't want to go home! My house is going to be MISERABLE! My poor poor pets... Stan has probably gotten into my razors and shaved off all of his fur. Pickles has probably plucked off all of his newly grown, not even fully developed feathers. I might have to break down my cheap ass and turn on my window unit in the bedroom for a little while. It's not like I don't have air conditioning, it's just that I'm too cheap to use it. I have decided that I am DEFINATELY going to ask for a raise. This is rediculous. I'm so fucking TIRED of not being able to afford to live comfortably. If I have to pay for my own damned insurance, then I deserve a fucking raise to help me! Give me a BREAK!AARRRUGGGHGHGHG!!!! *puff* *puff* Okay, calm down... I knew I wasn't going to be offered insurance when I took this job and that I'd eventually have to get it on my own. It still sucks, but that's the way it goes!

That was my little rant for now. For now. For now. The heat is making me crazy crazy crazy... Breathe... So last night was interesting. I went to the Shabu Shabu place and treated myself to a wonderful, expensive meal. It was so very yummy. I had myself a couple of beers with it and got a nice buuuuzzz. I didn't get home from my day until about 7:00. My house was so very nice and suffocatingly hot. I jumped in the shower to soothe the stickies. Turned on all the fans and laid down on my bed, naked and wet. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...ffffffaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnn. It felt so gooooooooooooooooooood. I was going to lay there for a little while and cool off. Then I'd planned to water the plants and clean the damn rat cage, let Pickles out for a little while, maybe write some bills. I was thinking of all these things as I laid on my bed in the wonderful fanniness. Next thing I know the phone is ringing at 9:45. Whah? Who? Where? It was Melanie confirming our plans to go pick up Devon from the airport tonight. She's like, "You sound tired, you weren't sleeping were you?" I never like to say that to people who call and wake me so I just said, "No...I...I just haven't been talking all day." MMm-hmmm... No, I didn't fall asleep at 7:30 in the evening, not me. Once I was awake I just managed to drag myself to the bathroom to brush my teeth. Then I put on a wet tank top, put it under the bathtub faucet for a sec, and went back to bed.

I didn't wake up much...had some weird ass dreams. I've had three weird dreams about Ron this week. In each one, it starts out with Ron and I being all lovey... Then as the dream goes on he turns into Arn. I get this sick feeling in my stomach and I'm thinking...wait, what happened here??? I don't remember much else, then I wake up. Yuck! What the hell is that about??? Last night's was depressing because I had this horrible feeling that I was stuck with Arn and Ron was gone. In one part, I was in a car with him and his parents and he was sitting in between the two of them! We were going to his sister's or something, I don't remember. I mainly remember the sick feeling of dread in my gut. Bleh. I can't WAIT for Ron to come home, damnit. This week is hell...literally.

Well I've decided to stay a little late at work again and exercise. There is no way I'll be able to exercise outside or in my house. So I figure I'll do some ab work and then run up and down the stairs a few times to get the heart going. Yea, that should work. Just like being in an airconditioned gym. Okay...here goes...getting motivated now. Later!

Shabu Shabu-eeee

I'm having a good day today. I'm a little sore from last nights workout. I did a workout from my cable t.v. free access on demand dealy again. I did the butt one and the ab one. Ouch. I hadn't worked those areas in a few weeks. I just got back into the cardio/jogging thing a couple of weeks ago and haven't been doing that as regularly as I used to. I go through phases...in everything... But my motto when it comes to exercise has always been "Something is better than nothing". So even working out ONCE a week is better than nothing. But I find that if I work out once a week, I wanna do it at least twice a week. And then if I'm doing it twice a week, I may as well do it three times. But that's where it stops. My average workout schedule is three times a week for 30 minutes which is...BETTER THAN NOTHING! I hate setting unrealistic goals for myself 'cause it just makes me feel shitty.

So anyway, about my day... I had been kicking around the idea of bringing either my cat or my rats to work while my boss was away for quite a while. I've brought Pickles in a few times, but he doesn't take travelling as well as he used to. Well today I finally did it, I brought Stanley cat to work. I had my own "Bring your pets (children to normal people) to work day"! Stan is really good about travelling. He's a very smart and laid back cat. I started when he was a kitten, taking him to my brother's house, my friends houses, my parents and my boyfriends. Just throw the litter box (it has a handle and a lid) in the trunk along with a small paper bag with his food bowls. I also put a plastic bag over the poop end of his pooper scooper so I can put it in the paper bag. Pretty damn easy. I always thought that since he's an indoor cat, he'd enjoy little outings every once in a while. I even took him to my aunts for a family get together one summer. It was for our annual beer bust. I was walking him around the yard on a leash. People thought I was nuts (but it's a given, my family thinking that...they KNOW me) but they were amazed at how well behaved and smart Stan was. So he's been doing very well here at work. He's a people cat, loves meeting new people, so he spent most of the day in the warehouse with the shipping lady. She really appreciates animals, too, so she played with him a lot. She even made him a little toy out of shipping materials! Every now and again he'd come over and jump up on my desk to lick my nose and lounge on my paperwork. As of now, he's laying under my desk sleeping, as he's been awake ALL DAY. Very rare for a cat. He's going to sleep very well tonight. I love Stanley so much, he's like having a dog, but with much less maintenance.

My day has been good though, had some things to do. It hasn't been quite so slow this week. I even got an email back from Kim. I'm happy to hear that she has gotten a job offer with another stable. It seems that her business isn't going so well with her partner. The compatibility between business partners is crucial. Seems her partner is bad in the decision making department and they were having some problems. So Kim has encouraged her partner to go off on her own again so she can go work for this other stable. Good for her. I admire her, she's so strong willed. Her new job sounds like it will be perfect for her, training horses and running a stable.

I'm kind of hanging around work a little late tonight. I don't feel like going home to my hothouse. I miss Ron as usual. Tomorrow night should be fun, I'll be able to get my mind off pining away and go see a friend I haven't seen in a year. Good 'ol Devin is flying in tomorrow night and Melanie and I are gonna go pick 'im up. Yay. He'll be here for a week and we gedda go campin' campin'!!!!! So that should make the rest of the week fly until Ron gets back on Saturday afternoon. I can't fucking WAIT. I'm gonna squeeze him to death when I see him!!! AND do other things of course... A little sexual frustration? Just a TAD. But it's kinda fun 'cause it'll make it all the better when he gets back!!!!!

I'm trying to decide what I want for dinner tonight. Should I be lazy and just get some fast food on the way home? I don't feel like cooking tonight because it's so fucking hot. I feel like spaghetti... Then again, I haven't had Shabu Shabu in a while. My ex and I discovered it and would have it a few times a month. It's quite expensive so I can't do it as much as I used to. I've been meaning to take Ron out for it, but money's been too tight. Same with him...he's been wanting to take me, but it's just too expensive. Ah well...it's a treat and we'll be able to do it together SOME day. Anyway, it's this Japanese dish...I think I've talked about it on here before. The restaurant is set up like a big bar, with the waitresses in the middle. In front of each place setting is a burner with a pot of water, which is turned to boiling once you sit down. The usual shabu shabu meal consists of a plate of fresh veggies: cabbage, spinach, carrots, mushrooms, broccoli, onions and a side of noodles...and another plate of thinly sliced beef. You also get two bowls of different sauces and a bowl of rice. You're supposed to cook the veggies and beef in the water and dip them in the sauces and eat them with the rice. At the end, you're left with a big pot of beef broth that you can eat with your leftover rice...I usually save most of my rice and make a sort of porridge. MMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!! OH YEA! I'm totally gonna go get me some Shabu Shabu tonight! It's right down the street from work. So I can leave Stan here and come back to pick 'im up on the way home. Alright! I've made a dinner decision! Something different and outta the ordinary to help me with my lonely duldrums!

Ooooooooooooooooooooooohhhh!!! Ronnie poopie poop just called my cell phone! He told me all about his adventures in Alaska so far. He says it's gorgeous and so full of nature. In the meantime I'm wailing..."I'M SO JEALOUS! I WANNA GOOOOOO!!! I HATE THE CITY! I WANT NATURE!!!" I'm sure we're gonna visit Alaska together someday. Of course it was wonderful to hear his voice and his silly laugh. I love his laugh. *aauaowoghghgogogghhghg* M'kay....yea....

I guess I'll stop now and finish up some extra things here at work before I go. I may as well get some extra stuff done while I'm waiting for the Shabu Shabu place to open. They serve dinner only so they won't be open 'til 5:00. MMmmm, yummy yummy Shabu Shabu!

Whizzer

Monday Monday...ahhhhhh Monday. Is it Monday again already? Yes, but I am grateful to have a job to go to on this fine, hot and humid summer Monday. Really I am.

I had a nice weekend, I did. Melanie and I did not go swimming on Friday. I didn't think we would. It's not unusual at all for Melanie and I to make grand plans and not follow through with them, as evidenced by the Artichoke Festival trip. But we decided that it would be better to swim on Saturday afternoon after the movie. That didn't happen either. We had a perfectly ligitimate reason, we were just fucking exhausted. As I've said before, I am completely useless if I lose sleep. It's all because we stayed up late hanging out on Friday night. Melanie's guy friends came over (well, they're sorta my friends, too, through her, 'specially Mike 'cause we've both known him since highschool) and we did nothing but get high, eat and play video games. Well, Melanie and two of the guys played video games. I read this fascinating book that Mike had brought over called "Mapping the Mind". Mike just tooled on his laptop like he usually does. The book is about the human brain, complete with it's make up and part functions It's a trailblazer book in that it is one of the first of its kind to compile such information. There are tons of summations of studies from different scientists, pictures of brain scans showing brain activity in light, explanations for why we do the things we do and most interestingly, pyscological studies of people with brain damage, murderers, alcoholics and the brain characteristics found common in each of them. I couldn't stop reading! So much so that I lost track of time and didn't realize it was past MIDNIGHT and I had to get home to Ronnie poop 'cause he was leaving early the next morning! I felt so bad, and needless to say he was a little upset, too. He was like...I'm leaving, what the hell? But then I started dwelling on it and repeating myself, then become quiet and upset. He's like..."Calm down. Do I look mad? Why would I be mad at you? It's over...don't worry about it. Just try to be a little more considerate next time." Yes, of course he was right. I had started feel irritable...a combination of being mad at myself for staying out and losing track of time, Ron having to leave the next day and being high. I was moody and burnt out. I used to do that with my ex and he never understood that. But back then I had wanted to stay at Melanie's getting high and really dreaded going home to the warden...especially feeling the way I did. I never knew how to act. I kind of got this feeling again when I was late Friday night. This is more of what made me mad at myself and mad at the situation. Another stupid waste of energy. Fucking stoner ass. I'm going to need to grow out of this smoking thing eventually, I know. I hate it when I do that kind of stuff though... Okay, don't dwell....

So that was Friday night. I didn't get to bed until 2:30 and had to be up at 7:30 to get ready to go to "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory." The showing was so early because it was at the huge theatre complex, 32 theatres altogether, and before it opened for business. So I got up with Ron and kissed him goodbye. As I watched his truck go down the driveway, my lip started to quiver. I went in the house and had a little separation anxiety episode. I cried for a few minutes until the phone rang, and it was a groggy Melanie telling me that she and Rich were on their way. So quick to the bathroom to wash my face. I didn't want Melanie to see me crying over a boyfriend leaving again. She had to deal with my crazy separation depression during the terrible summers my ex was gone for weeks at a time. So lame. Anyway, the movie started at 9:15, but we had to be there by 8:30. We made it there by 8:45, Starbucks in hand. The line was quite long, it looked like every single fucking Warner Brothers employee and their kids went. It was to be expected though, it was a good family movie after all. I enjoyed it thoroughly! Johnny Depp was fantastic, as usual. It had the Tim Burton style, with the swirly designs, snow and dark humor. I liked it a lot better than the original, although the original was very good for it's time. I loved Gene Wilder and his quirkiness and the overall story. The new one was naturally full of computer animation and sometimes was a bit much, but it wasn't tooooo overdone. I enjoyed it and best of all, it was free! Thanks, Mel!

After the movie the three of us went out to lunch. I had an overpriced Greek salad with very few olives in it, teeny little tomato cuts and about an american cheese slices worth of goat cheese. It was good though, it's all I needed because I ate so much damn Chinese food on Friday night. Mmmmmmmmmmmmm....crab rangooooooooooooons.... After that, Rich split and the two of us went back to Melanies to smokie-smokie and nappie-wappie. I slept for three hours! When I finally woke up I was starving and wolfed some leftover Chinese. Then it was off to the bookstore, Melanie needed to get her friend at work a gift and I really wanted that Brain book. I haven't read anything intersting in ages. I feel like my brain is melting, it needs some stimulation for a good book. I also got "My Parrot, my friend" a very informative book on the proper husbandry of parrots. A parrot "parenting" book, if you will. The best thing about it is that it has methods of working with your parrot to undo damage that has been done by stress and anxiety. It's even got case studies, many of which have to do with compulsive feather picking birds. WOO WOO!!! Right up our alley, eh Pickies??! I'm gonna read that fucker from cover to cover and start applying things slowly. I hope it helps us. After the bookstore Melanie dropped me home, I did a little cage and house cleaning and then settled into bed to read and listen to music. Aaaaaaaaaaaahhh.... And I laid there smelling Rons pillow forever. I miss him so much!! GAWD! I'm so pathetic, I always get like this!!! It's like I have that damn lump in my stomach that's usually there when I'm depressed. Hell, that would mean I'm depressed. I'm doing okay though...yesterday I laid around some and then I got up and took Pickles and Stanley for a walk. I let Stan roam around the yard and had Pickles on my shoulder while I read on the patio for a while. Then I went looking for Stan and he was over in the neighbors (apt. building) yard so I just followed him around some. Not every exciting, walking a cat. He even laid down and relaxed...sprawled out on the cement. But his favorite thing to do was roll in the dirt. It was so cute! We got over to the dirt patch and he looked up at me like, can I? I said, "sure, go ahead, I know you're DYING to..." With that, he flopped down and did the cute kitty roll. Turned himself a nice, light brown. I brushed most of it off before we went in, but he's still a faint brown. The greatest thing is that I hopped the wall after a while and opened my front screen door. Then I put Pickles in the outside cage and sat to read for a while. A few minutes later, Stanley came back around and walked right into the house. It's the best to just let them do what comes natural and not have to give chase to get 'em back in the house. He's pretty good about coming when I call him, too. But I don't let him roam freely because my neighborhood just isn't condusive to that. Too much traffic and kids and shit. So I think letting him roam once a week or so with me keeping an eye on him is better than nothing. Helps with his cabin fever.

MAN I gotta pee. I have to finish up here and go. Gotta get home and exercise since I was too hot and lazy to do it all weekend. It's time to whiz!

OH the HUMIDity!!!!

It's another Friday afternoon. Oh jOy!*!*! I'm still not done with my work and I should be going home in about ten minutes.

Okay, there...40 minutes later and I am done with work. Now I have a shitload of errands to run after work. I saved them all for today because I get paid today (or I paid myself...it's weird doing payroll when my boss is out of town because I sign...well forge...my own check)and most of my errands involve spending money that I haven't had until today. Let's see what I consider a "shitload"...

1. Drop off bank deposit for work.
2. Deposit boss' paycheck since he's outta town AGAIN.
3. Go to Longs to pick up birth control pills (hoping that my new insurance that just kicked in today will a. work b. maybe make these fuckers cost a little less until I change them for something cheaper), mousse, gel and conditioner for the taming of the naturally curly beast. Well, um, all help with the hair with the exception of the birth control pills, of course...
4. Deposit MY paycheck.
5. Go to the pet store for Rosie's weekly cricket ration, bird pellets and seed for Pickles, kitty litter and maybe one new toy for Pickles since he's been feeling so fucked up lately.

Okay, that's not really a shitload but I hate running errands so it is to me. I need to get going pretty soon because I'm going to Melanie's to swim this evening. It isn't so bad when I'm not alone. Hopefully there won't be too many spectators today. Fortunately, it seems most of the people in her building, including the kids, aren't too fond of swimming. At least that's how it was last year and they year before...the few times I did swim there. I simply MUST touch water today though. In addition to being nice and hot, it's also HA-UUoooooooooomiiiid!!! AWRIGHT! It's summer storm time. The deserts get the lightening storms and we get the leftofter humidity. Last night cooled off nicely though, I'm hoping it'll do the same this evening.

So tomorrow morning Ron leaves for Alaska. WWWWWWAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don' *sniff* I don' *sniff* I don' WAN 'im tah goooooooooooo!!!!!! GAWD I'm gonna miss him. But it's only a week. It's good for us to be apart sometimes. Really. WAHHHHHH!!!!!! I'll be getting up with him, not only to say goodbye, but because I am going with Melanie and Rich to see a free screening of "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" a la Warner Brothers. It's great having a friend working there! Hopefully Tyra will be able to go, too. She's feeling better from her ordeal and the tumor is benign...thank God. I think it's kind of lame for a screening to be at 9 a.m., but what the hell, it's free and I SHOULD get my ass out of bed early on a Saturday sometimes. It'll be cool to see that movie and compare it to the classic. I'm actually not a huge fan of the original. I have it, as so many people do because it's a 'cult classic'. But I can't help but think it's terribly cheesy. That's part of the whole appeal, I guess. Eh...

Oh yea, and the dinner was yummy the other night! We had spaghetti and garlic bread again, a favorite for both of us. I'd swear that Ron is Italian he loves that dinner so much! And he loved the sunflower. I told him how happy sunflowers make me feel and that he is my sunflower. AWWwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww...*hurl* I know I know! I'M the CHEEEEEEZMASTER!!!!

Oh shit, I'd better get my ass out the door. It's errand time! Bye bye!!!

Sunflowers

Hmmm, not too much going on today. I'm feeling good about myself because I just asked my boss again if we could get together for a yearly review on my performance. He said not to worry, he wasn't putting me off and that yes, we will be getting together to go over details once he's done with the last of the summer conventions in the beginning of August. He also said that in the meantime, I am doing a great job and that I should be proud of my immense improvement since I started here. Good to hear. I am definately going to bring up a raise when we do talk. I have thought it over and damnit, I DO deserve a raise. I am worth it! I need to be more of a professional and realize my potential. These thoughts are thanks to a talk I had with Ron last night. I was feeling low about my job, money and just being able to get by. He sure did help make me feel better. So his little pep talk got me going...

Good news on Pickles...so far so good with the homeopathic treatment. I got home and opened his cage door last night and he just climbed right up onto his playstand and ate some treats, humped his favorite toy...then sat there for a while. I went up to him and he didn't start going into the crazy mating dance ritual as he's been doing so much lately. It's nothing too significant, but I can see a slight difference in his nuerotic behavior. He's got pinfeathers all over his widdle body. I've been spraying him down with the medicine also, as it's supposed to soothe him as the new feathers poke through. I'm going to continue to be consistent with the meds, it's all I can do...and STOP blaming myself. Today. For now.

Ron is doing okay with Caramel rat being inside the house at night. I've been putting her cage outside during the day and moving her in at night. No horrid allergic reactions from Ron yet. She's got a great habit of peeing and pooping in just one or two of the corners of the cage, so I go ahead and scoop the turds along with cleanin' the cat box. I have become a regular turd tossin' chick! Um yea, now THAT's something to be proud of! That's why my house doesn't stink, anyway. But I feel better with Caramel being in at night. That way she's not all alone.

Tonight is going to be a special dinner...it's our eight month celebration. Just a little recognition thing, nothing too elaborate. I think I'm gonna go by the flower place and pick up a sunflower for Ron, 'cause that's my favorite flower an' he's muh sunflower...(puke puke mush mush)...wooooahahhaghghghhghg!

Later!

Summer's here

Well, it's about time summer started I guess. It's here and miserable. I can't WAIT to go home and swelter in my lovely hothouse. I'm lucky to not live in the dead center of the valley, where it gets really hot. At least I've got some hills around me that help keep things somewhat cool. I just wish I had a pool. I used to go swimming up at my friends house, the family I've babysat and petsat for over the years, but they recently moved to a house without a pool. Too much maintenance...can't say I blame them. Sucks for me though. Melanie's got a pool at her condo, but I really don't feel like swimming in front of all the spectators. What to do, what to do...go home and sweat. Yuck.

I almost flaked on Melanie last night. I had gotten a late start. I got home and started cleaning the house and didn't get to jogging for an hour after I was supposed to. By the time I got home, I was hot, sweaty, tired and just generally run down from the day. I didn't feel like doing laundry. I called her and she said not to feel bad, but she'd come home instead of staying late at work...just for me to come over and do laundry. She usually stays late on Mondays to finish things up. Sooooo of course I felt bad, gathered my clothes up and went over there. I'm glad I did because it's better to get some laundry done than to melt into the couch. I've saved that for tonight. I'm tired again today because I got all stoned with Melanie and then came home and stayed up kinda late watching "American Chopper" with Ron. Well...sorta watching...sorta drooling on his shoulder half asleep. But I didn't get home 'til late again. All because I didn't stick to my schedule.

I'm sad 'cause Ronnie poopie is leaving for Alaska for a WEEK this Saturday. I'm gonna miss him terribly. Hmmm, maybe Pickles gets his separation anxiety from me. I don' want 'im to GOOOOooooo!!!! I'm gonna spend next week sitting in the middle of the livingroom crying and pulling out my hair. I used to freak out when my ex had to leave for weeks at time to fight forest fires. The guy made bank on overtime during the summers because he was always on one fire or another. Here in dry ass desert land California, all the arsonists come out of the woodwork when the temp rises above 90. The shittiest thing was when he'd just be getting home from a three week fire and they'd call him to another one the next hour...so he'd pack up and be gone another three weeks. That was during the time when our relationship was going well. He was an apprentice of sorts and had to do all these fires this one particular summer. It was shitty. At the time when I actually wanted him to get the hell out on fires, he was home all the time. Naturally. But enough about the ex...

I'm really going to miss Ron. But it's good for us to be apart. I guess. I'm all attached to him right now. Oh well, it's only a week. Okay, lunchtime is over. Later...

Trip Fantastic

BREAKIN' THE LAW! BRREAKIN' THE LAWWW!!! WOOOoooooohooooo!!!! What a fanTAStic time I had at the Judas Priest concert on Friday night! Queensryche opened for them, which was just as fantastic. It was Ron and I and my cousins Lisa and Mark. We were smart and got there early so we could down a few (fifty) beers before the show. We thought they'd be $10.00 each inside, but they were only $5.00. Still a rip off, we only had to buy a few inside. I had such a blast talking to all the metalheads, headbanging and dancing like a spastic retard. I hadn't been to a show in years. I need a crazy night of music and partying occasionally, while I'm still young. The last concert I went to was Incubus, which was wonderful as well. Actually, the last show I went to was Styx, last May. We got to go backstage 'cause my date knew (and I think he wanted to blow) the drummer. That was an okay experience, but nothing in comparison. The show didn't end until about 1 a.m., by which time I was starving to death. I hadn't eaten any actual food since about noon. So we stopped at a Del Taco just outside of buttfuck Egypt and got the slowest service imaginable. Plus they got half the order wrong. Good thing it wasn't any of my order...I sat there wolfing down my chili fries while my cousin yelled at the dork behind the counter. I know I was wolfing because the next day I found chili on my dash board! When Ron and I finally got home that night, we shed all our clothes in the middle of the kitchen floor and went straight to bed! The next morning it looked like two people had melted into the floor and left their clothes! Hehee!! Funny sight...guess you had to be there...

I didn't get up until 1:30 on Saturday afternoon. I dragged myself out of bed, showered and headed to the parrot store to check on the status of my parrotlet. I also went to ask about what I can do to help poor Pickles. His condition has worsened considerably as of the past week. He has plucked his entire chest, belly and legs and looks awful. I told the lady at the store about how I'd just gotten rid of some budgies and about his plucking and humping habits. She and I agreed that it has to do with stress (separation anxiety) and seasonal hormones and that once parrots start plucking (always due to stress, no matter how small you think the matter is) they turn to it when the going gets tough. There is nothing I could have known or done to prevent this so it's not my fault, she reassured me. So I bought some homeopathic medication to put in his water and spray on him twice a day. It's supposed to calm them and ease their nuerotic behavior. Parrots are so hard to keep happy. They haven't been domesticated like dogs and cats so you have to deal with a lot of wild behavior that's hard to understand. They're either not tame and in a cage all the time where they don't know the difference, tame and well adjusted (has to do with the general temprament and good breeding of the bird) or tame/nuerotic. Pickles used to be tame and well adjusted...'til the boarding incident. Then something just clicked in his little birdy head. It SUCKS and no matter how much people tell me it's not my fault, I feel like it is. If I would have just stuck him in a cage with another bird and not interacted with him at all, other than to feed him, he'd be fully feathered. I read so much about lovebirds and did everything for Pickles...changing his toys around, taking him outside, letting him out of the cage on a playstand with lots of toys and branches every day, feeding him different foods, socializing him with other birds and people... I read over and over that you don't have to keep lovebirds in pairs, that they're fine just so long as they have you as a companion and you give them at least a little attention every day. I made sure to give him alone-in-the-cage days, days that I wouldn't let him out at all so he'd get used to the fact that I'm not always going to be there/let him out. All to prevent this. How STUPID of me not to realize that taking away his birdy friends would throw him into a plucking (fucking) frenzy! And now, I come to find on Saturday, I have to wait MONTHS for my new bird. He's a little blind, featherless worm right now. I won't even get to meet him for three weeks, that's when he'll be old enough to be brought into the store for handfeeding. Right now the parents are feeding them. The parrot store lady obviously doesn't breed them herself, as I thought she did, she's got a breeder friend. That's why she keeps telling me to call in a few weeks. She's not sure what's going on. But I've vowed to be patient. No more pets-on-a-whim. This is good for me. Unfortunately, it's not so good for poor Pickles. I'm praying he gets better and doesn't start chewing holes in his chest like I've seen some crazy cockatoos do. I don't know WHAT I'll do if he does that...

Shit, enough about Pickles. I'm worried to death about him and I need to stop. Yesterday was a nice day, too. Ron and I woke up late and lounged around watching movies all day. Later in the afternoon I went out to clean Caramel's cage on the porch and found bloody raccoon prints on her cage and the ground around it. GROSS! I think she bit the rascal through the bars. So I cleaned the cage and brought it in the house. I'm really hoping one rat won't be so stinky and allergy-aggrivating because I really don't want to keep the poor girl outside on the porch now the she's all alone. No really, I ENJOY my pets...*sigh*

Last night Ron and I went to the North Hollywood H@@ter's for some naked chicken wings and beer. They were having a special and the wings just hit the spot! We don't usually go to Hollywood because we both hate it, but this was worth it. We got a great chicken and beer buzz and had fun looking at the thousands of tourists and freaks.

Tonight I'm just going to go home and jog and then head over to Melanie's to do a load of laundry. She offered her facilities to me a few weeks ago, so I think I'm going to take advantage of it and do a few small loads. Plus it'll be nice to get out of the house and hang out with a girlfriend for a while. I need to do that at least once a week/few weeks or so. Ron won't be home until about 9:30 or 10:00 and I don't feel like hanging around the house. I'll just end up falling asleep too early like I've been doing lately. Oh yea...and I had some bizarre, vivid dreams this weekend. Every night was full of dream after dream. I hadn't been remembering my dreams lately so it was interesting. I had a couple dreams I've had before, too... They were mostly fun, only a couple were depressing.

Okay, it's time to finish up and head out. I've been adding to this on and off all afternoon. BYE BYE!

She's Baaaaaaaaaack!

Guess who showed up this evening? Yup, none other than Caramel rat. I heard another, "Where is it?? It's over here!" Two little boys over the wall in the apartment complex. I said, "Is that a RAT you've found?" Jumped over the wall and got 'er. Said thank you to the boys and one of them had the nerve to ask for a dollar for each of them. I just told them that you don't ASK for a reward... Fuck...the NERVE. So she's back and now it's time to look for a home again. So far, no leads from my email buds. I've just gotten a couple of sorrys and good lucks. It might just have to be the pet store. Or I might just end up keeping her by herself. Ron really likes her. But my pets are stressing me and they're not supposed to... Stan's teeth are still infected as hell, Pickles' front is entirely bald... I'm broke. But everything is gonna be fine. Better attitude. Yea...

Tangeant

I am terribly down today for no good reason, again. Lame lame lame. Everyone writes about their unhappiness. I shouldn't be yet another one of them. I have plenty of things to be happy about. I have a fun month to look forward to. I don't want to have to list things again. No reason. I don't want to go home. I'll have to clean and I don't feel like cleaning. I can't stop cleaning lately. I don't know what to do with myself. Ron goes back to working nights. I won't see him for a while. I can't depend on him for all my happiness. I have work to do but I'm spacing out again. Why am I sad? What can I do? Suck it up. Go on. That's what everyone does. Everything is fine. What if...?? Don't worry about it.

I'm lonely here at work. I want someone to talk to. Everyone is busy. I should be busy. I am busy. But I don't wanna do it. What do I do? Sleep? I did that. I can't sleep anymore. Exercise? I really need to exercise. Maybe tomorrow. I'll get back into the groove tomorrow. Today is another random day. I can't concentrate on anything. I don't know. I wanna go somewhere. But where? How? I wanna go.

What's next?

I know what it is I need, yet I'm STILL too afraid to do anything about it. I've always been this way. I need to get out of my comfort zone and challenge myself. Will I ever do it? There are so many things to do in this life. When will I have to courage to make myself do something that I've never done before? How long will I continue to just exist day in and day out? This continues to sit in the back of my mind and will be there until I decide to do something about it. There is something out there for me. Fuck, just HOW many other people in their twenties think this way? Just like I had my doubts about love, I have my doubts about...uh...life. What else is there? I found love again. I can make that work and it won't always be easy but I'm up for THAT challenge. But what's my other passion? I need other things. I'll find it, or them, or whatever the fuck it is I'm looking for. See, but I always wait for things to come to me. What can I do differently? *gulp* Go after it? Me?? YIKES! We'll see...someday...I think...

Snackie

It's the beginning of another short week. How glorious. July is a lax month around here so it's good for taking days off and leaving early. Ron, me and my cousins are going to a Judas Priest concert this coming Friday...wooooheeee!! I get to leave work early again. Then we're going to see Robert Plant on the 24th, so I took the 25th and the 26th off for a little mini vacation. I'm also looking forward to that week because a friend I haven't seen in a year will be home. He's a friend of Melanie and I who we started hanging out with a lot a few years ago. He was one of the roommates of her ex-boyfriend. He lived there with his boyfriend. He's a very nice, eccentric gay guy who is the type that keeps you guessing. Very fun to be around. It'll be great seeing him again. Melanie took those days off, too, because we're hoping to get some camping in that week. Let's just see if we can pull it off this time. Not another disaster like the artichoke fest!

So July is supposed to be a busy month. Ron is going to visit his grandma in Alaska, we're going to concerts, camping... Plus, I'm getting my new bird! I think I'll be able to pick him up by the end of the month. We went to the parrot store on Saturday and the owner/breeder said that we should come back in a week, that they should be ready to be out in the open by then. I'm very excited about that. This will be the last pet I'm going to get for a very long time. I have determined that the reason for Pickle's horrible plucking this time around is the fact that he's lonely. Everyone keeps asking me why I don't just get him a female and put them in the same cage. It's because he's been without a 'mate' the entire four years I've had him and to introduce him to a female (which are very aggressive by nature) that would be living in his cage at this time in his life would be a huge pain in the ass. The chance of them getting along without tearing each other apart would be kind of slim, not to mention that it would probably stress poor Pickles out even more. Plus, I don't want another lovebird, I already HAVE one. I want to try something else. Lovebirds are LOUD and two of them with their piercing chirps in my living room would not be fun. Parrotlets are considerably more quiet than the parakeets and lovebirds. I also don't want him humping the real thing because I DON'T want babies. There are enough lovebird breeders out there. So I've completely thought this through and feel that I've made the right decision. I will be sticking with it. NO MORE PETS!

I had a wonderful long weekend. But it flew, as usual. Friday we went on a nice, scenic bike ride at the park. Then we stayed up almost all night playing video games and Scrabble. Saturday looked lovely enough to go to the beach, but once we got there we were disappointed to engulfed by a hideous fog that just got thicker as we went along so we just turned around and drove back home. We were tired, of course, by the time we got home so we took a loooooooooooong afternoon nap. Then we got up and cooked this huge snackie-dinner. Well, Ron did. We just ate and ate like lil' piggies. We decided to dub the night "snackie evening" because it's all we did was snack. First we split some ramen soup with veggies in it. Then Ron made garlic bread and salad, then we had more soup (bean and ham with cheese), then vanilla icecream with chocolate drizzle. *Whew* We were full. Sunday it was off to his mom's for a BBQ...yummy chicken, pasta salad and beeeeeeeans. It was fun talking to his mom, she's cool and I felt so comfortable. We got home that night and were both just farting up a storm. We were speaking ass. It was great... Yesterday was spent tooling around again, watching the Twilight Zone Marathon, making snacks, playing on the computer...at which time I changed my template AGAIN. I think I'm going to keep it this way for a long time. I even figured out how to add some lovely pictures. And OH the snacks Ron made...we started out with these little bagel pizzas that blew me away! Cream cheese, thin tomato slices, garlic powder and mozzarella. Put 'em in the oven for 20 minutes and it's HEAVEN! Then we had the BBQ chicken salad with garlic bread again. So naturally we farted garlic chicken all night. Mmmmmmm!

That's it for this boring entry, now it's time to finish things up for the day. I've been going back and forth and I can't do that anymore. It's time to concentrate.

Lightbulb

I was just checking emails and got a great idea. I'm going to try to find Caramel a home through the people I know. I don't want to leave her life up to some pet store. Granted, she only has about two more years to live...but still...she deserves more of a chance.

So here's the email:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hey everyone,

I was wondering if you could please help me find a home for my little girl rat, Caramel. I lost her cage-mate, Swirl this past week. And I mean LOST. It really sucks, she was cool. I was getting a little too lenient letting them run around on my porch, thinking they'd stay in the general area. They did pretty good, actually. I've only lost each of them once before...hehe... I have nice neighbors.

It's a long story...I've had to keep them outside because Ron is allergic to them, especially the pee-ridden cage. I have to clean that sonuvvabitch every other day if I want to keep it in the house. Actually, EVERY day. Letting them in is a pain because I'm so anal about my place and I don't want them chewing on things, peeing and hoarding food in corners...that's already happened. *sigh*

Anyway, Swirl was the very tame and outgoing one. Caramel followed her lead. She's very shy, but very sweet and tame. Now she's lonely and I really don't want to get another rat. It's so hard to find ones with good personalities and I just have too many pets. I'm getting a second bird soon, and I just don't have the time to clean all these cages when it comes down to it. I'm feeling guilty, if you can't tell... I'm pet-alchoholic, I must stop! OIY!

But Caramel is really sweet, if any of you happen to want her. I want to try to find her a home myself (preferably through people I know), before I hand her over to a pet store where her fate is unknown.

Any leads would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I hope this works. Maybe this will teach me to consider all things BEFORE purchasing my next pet. The key is waiting a certain amount of time. This is one of those situations where there just ain't no instant gratification.

Ughgh

I don't know why, but I'm very depressed today. Well, part of it is that I've lost Swirl...AGAIN. I'm so stupid stupid stupid. I opened the cage door when I got home yesterday, checked on them a couple times... All was well, Swirl was climbing the screen door as usual. Then I checked again and couldn't find her. Damnit! When am I gonna learn?? She's my favorite. If I can't find her I'm going to take Caramel to the little pet store and have them find her a home. I don't want to get another one and I don't want her to be alone. I'm tired of this. I have too many pets. Too many cages to clean and it's starting to stress me out. I can't afford all of these animals anymore. Stans fucking teeth are breaking my bank. I can't afford groceries because of that fucking vet bill from two weeks ago. Plus, Pickles has plucked the hell out of his chest again. And he won't stop humping his toys. *sigh* I'm a bad mom. I'm just down today. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm having trouble concentrating. I'm feeling so lazy and stupid. I have to work. I don't want to! But what else is there to do? I don't want to work, I don't want to grocery shop, I don't want to go home, I don't want to exercise, I don't want to eat... I just want to sleep. Fuck.

*Yawn*

Yet another Friday it is. Hurray!! It's been another tired week for me. I've been so very t-i-r-e-d since Sunday. I made the mistake of going to bed very late the other night again so I made up for that by hitting it at 8:30 last night. I feel like an old woman. At least I'm not as out of it this morning as I have been all week. I don't know what it is, I've just been drained. I've made a doctor's appointment for myself at the end of next month...when my new insurance kicks in. I think I'm going to get a couple of tests done, just to make sure things are in the right.

There's not much to report. It's been a boring week. Mostly because I'm low on funds and I've been too exhausted to do anything. I haven't even exercised. Work has been slow, too. Not many sales going on so I've had to resort to other projects. I'm almost all caught up on things I'd been putting off. Ron's been working alot and I've been sleeping a lot so it seems like I've barely seen him at all this week. I miss him. I hope he gets off of work early tonight like he did last Friday. THIS time I'll be awake when he gets home.

I'm thinking of going to the park after work today. I want to take a walk, listen to the birdies sing tweedle-deee and lay in the grass. Then I'm going to pick up a nice dinner. I've been going straight home after work all week and I don't feel like doing that today. I'm in the mood for something different.

Well, that's it for now. Shit this is boring. I can't wait for this day to be over. I'm really looking forward to the park and a nice yummy chicken dinner from Boston Market. Oooh yea...there ya go.

Finished

My my...a few entries ago I said I'd finish my "bullshit" entry. Now I forgot just what the hell I was getting at.

I guess it was the fact that I felt kind of useless and shitty that day, especially since I'd run out of pills. Well, I got some more on Friday (huge RIP OFF since I canceled my shitty health plan) and I feel better. No more cotton head.

Anyway, about work...when I returned from my trip I got a huge lecture from my bosses regarding my mistakes. It was then I realized that I really needed an attitude adjustment at work. No matter how much I thought I didn't like it, this was my job and I had to start being serious about it because I'd be fucked without it. That's when I started to get serious, paying attention to details and improving my overall work ethic. It's been almost a year since then, and I've continued to do a good job. I've gotten a few compliments on my improvement from both my bosses as well.

I've mentioned before that I was disappointed that I didn't get another raise at my two year anniversary in May. Now I realize that I don't deserve it. When I was feeling low the other day, this made me sad. I still have some earning to do regarding raises. My boss deserves the raise he got, because he works hard to get business and our sales have improved immensely over the past year. I, on the other hand, need to continue to be consistent. Maybe I'll see something in the next six months or so...maybe not. But I have a job and that's the most important thing.

The pills played a big part in my improvement at work. I was feeling so low and the horrible pit in my stomach was back with a vengeance. I cried on the way to work almost every morning. I had that awful feeling like there was nothing to look forward to. I got on the pills and my mind sharpened, my mood was raised and I felt like a had a purpose. That's how it continues to be...most of the time.

Awright, I'm out. I simply must sleep. I'm still tired from the weekend!

FINALLY!

Oh what a beau-ooooooooootiful weekend! When I say beautiful, I mean BEAUTIFUL! It was sunny AAaalll weekend for a change. We got a bit of a break from the "June Gloom". So yesterday, Ron and I FINALLY got to go to the beach that he's been trying to take me to for the past month. It's this little private, rocky beach just on the other side of a more popular beach. He used to take his dog there all the time. It was very nostalgic for him because his dog passed away a little over a year ago. He was very VERY attached to his doggie, as I can completely understand...given my preoccupation with pets.

The best part was that there were very few people around. It was so relaxing laying on the sand, with only the ocean and the wind to listen to. Plus it's a very pretty beach, with big, black rocks sitting in various places. We set up our spot next to the particular rock that he and his dog always sat by. It was a bit of a hike to get down the hill from the small, dirt parking lot to the beach. I almost ate it going down AND back up. Next time I'm not gonna wear flip-flops!! The drive there was very enjoyable, too...you get off the freeway and go through a lovely canyon surrounded by hills and mountains for about 20 minutes and then you hit the coast and drive along that for another ten. We both got nice and burnt, he a little worse than I. We were very bad and didn't wear any sunscreen this time. I wanted to start working on covering up the rediculous blotches I got from my last beach trip. He just wanted some color. Poor fella got a little more than he'd bargained for. Next time, definately sunscreen...but with a little less SPF. We just laid out and relaxed, didn't swim this time because the water was just tooooo cold. We watched a little boy go in with his boogie board, get up to his ankles and trot right out! Haha! All of the few surfers were wearing full body suits. Add the constant wind and there was just NO way...

When we got home from the beach, Ron made this wonderful, wonderful, DEEEEEeeelicious bbq chicken salad. It was so simple, yet soooo goooooood. First he boiled the chicken to make it nice and juicy. Then he broiled it in bbq sauce for about 15 minutes. Then added it to mixed greens, mozerella cheese, and mushroom with ranch dressing. On the side was garlic toast, made with sourdough rolls...and don't forget the BEEERRR!!! Yummy YUM!!! A day at the beach always takes a lot out of you, even if you don't swim. This meal was the perfect ending to the perfect day.

Saturday was spent running errands. I had mine and he had his. I took Stanley to the vet, which cost a pretty large chunk o' change. But the little bastard is worth it. Turns out they have a new therapy for the chronic gum infection he has. I asked the vet if it could be an underlying cause, like kidney failure or diabetes and she told me it wasn't. She had a name for what he has, but I can't think of it at the moment. But at least there is a new treatment that has had some marked success. Plus it's so much easier for him to take, I don't have to shove a pill in his sore mouth. The new pills are soft, chewable and taste like tuna. So he just eats 'em up! I hope this treatment works for him...

Once we were done with all of our errands, we just sat around and relaxed. We each did our own thing for a while, he practiced on bass guitar and I did some drawing, cleaned out the closet some, played around on the computer and started a little sculpting project with some clay I found in the closet. Then I had to show him all of the drawings I have from when I was little. Well, not ALL of them...there are thousands! I was SUCH a doodler. It was so much fun showing him that stuff. Then we played video games forever. It was lovely.

I finally got to bring the parakeets to work today to give to my coworker. She's going to get a ride home from her husband instead of taking the bus. Hurray! I set up an old cage with a few toys and perches and gave her the whole package. Lord knows I need to get rid of some cages. Nice to have one less cage to clean...for a little while anyway. The new bird will be in the cage alone and is even smaller than the parakeets so I probably won't have to clean that cage as much. Plus, birds don't stink. That's the wonderful thing about them. Their poop doesn't stink unless it's accumulated for weeks. I wish I could say the same for the rats. Although the girls aren't as smelly as the boys.

There's the weekend rundown. Now it's time for me to get to work. Yea, that little thing I sometimes do here...at work. Hehehe! It's slow now that it's summer though. So I have a bit more time for this. Yay...

Another damn BIRD

Okay, this is Pickles. He looks just like that photo I posted last week. He has all his feathers and looks fantastic.
He still retains the bad plucking habit he developed two years ago when I had to board him for a week. I didn't see him for five whole days and by the time I did, he had plucked his chest bald. Parrots sometimes do that when they go through a stressful situation. The poor thing thought I'd abandoned him and freaked out. So every now and again he'll pluck a little hole in his chest feathers. It sucks and I feel awful when he does it. At least now he's progressed to the point that he doesn't pluck them bald anymore, and he doesn't do it again right away once they're grown back. Yea, more fun with my digicam.
I'm all parrot happy right now, given that I will be getting a new little guy in the next month or so. I've been reading all I can about parrotlets. It's a very fun hobby and makes me so happy. I know, me and my pets.

Hairy Girl

This here is a fluffy picture of Rosie muh Chilean Rose Tarantula. She'da beaut.
I was going through my camera while avoiding the laundry fold fest and came upon this picture. It turned out particularly well, I think. She shows up nicely against the blue of my jeans. Thought I'd throw it up here. I took this when I was cleaning out her enclosure a few months ago. I like 'er, she's such a mellow spider. I love how slowly and fluidly her legs move.

So...guess it's time to stop avoiding. Then I can come back here and finish last night's bullshit. Onward...

Drugs

Ugh. Tired. PMS is knocking at my door. Actually, it's already been let in. Now I feel shitty, but it should be over soon. BLEEEeecchhchchh...

I got to bed laaaaate last night. "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" was a lot better than I'd expected it to be. I laughed and I even cried. It was mostly lighthearted but there were some touching scenes in there that had me tearing up. And the girls were great together, great little actresses. After the movie went we to dinner and met up with a couple of other friends. So that made the evening stretch out a bit. I didn't get home 'til almost midnight. Ron was up and I hung out with him 'til about 1:30. Oh how I hated to see this morning.

Work was a little weird today. I'm already kind of moody because of PMS and the fact that I'm low on pills. Yes, the evil pills...

I've been taking Paxil since I broke up with Arn this past September. I've been on and off anxiety/depression meds since I was 18. The first thing I took was Zoloft and that helped a lot with my overall mood. It really helped with my social anxiety and depression that became very apparent when I entered college. Zoloft helped me feel more comfortable in my skin. I took it for about a year and then got off of it for 3 years. I started to take Paxil on and off when Arn and I started to have problems. This was around the time my parents and I moved out of the house I grew up in and about 45 minutes away to Orange County. I wasn't ready to move out on my own so I went with my parents to start over in a new town. I didn't want to go to school so I started looking for work and got into the temp thing. I was often in between jobs and this stressed me out a helluva lot. Taking Paxil was expensive (still is) because I never had insurance. So I got into the bad habit of 'stretching it out'. I mean, $60 - $70 for a bottle of 30 pills naturally started to take its toll on my thin wallet.

Trying to make them last played havoc on my brain so I got off of them again. A year or so later, back on them and this time, skipping doses all the more. With this kind of medication, you're supposed to let it build up in your system. It takes 2 - 3 weeks to actually start working. But skipping around made me feel like shit, I was always having withdrawal symptoms. It feels like my head is stuffed with cotton. I'm absent minded, moody and irritable, I cry at the drop of a hat. I haven't done the stretch out, skipping doses thing the entire nine months I've been on them again. But they're even more expensive. I was lucky to make them last until I got paid today. I started biting them in half on Thursday. The lower dosage is giving me a little bit of the withdrawal feeling, but not as much...cotton head and irritablility are the most prominent symtoms right now.

That's why I was feeling fucked at work today. Well, that and the fact that I got about four hours of sleep. I am a huge PUSSY when it comes to sleep deprivation. One night of less than my usual 6 to 8 hours and I feel right about shitty all day.

I got an email from my boss instructing me to give him a raise. It made me feel bad because...*sniff*...EYE wanted one! But I feel like I don't deserve one. Not yet, anyway. I got a substantial one last year and I feel like I still have some earning to do. I was very depressed last year, especially when I'd first gotten my job. The job was supposed to be temporary (I was still very much in that state of mind) while I looked for a company I could stay at, one with better benefits. So I really didn't care about my job and treated it so. I didn't pay attention to what I was doing...and during this time I was on and off my pills. Again. I got a raise at 6 months and another at 9, then a niiiiiice one at my year mark. Right after that raise and my trip to New York, they discovered I was making a lot of mistakes.

Fuck, I gotta pee and I'm tired. I'm not done yet but hell...I'll continue it tomorrow. Feeling random right now. Later.

Meatball

Yesterday ended well. I went for a jog around the track at my old highschool. I'm glad I've started going there to jog for a change. It's yet another place I can get a workout. I think next time I jog it'll be around work again.

After my jog I made an incredible meatloaf. It was like a giant meatball. Just an egg, some breadcrumbs and spaghetti sauce from the night before. Then as a cute garnish I put sliced tomatoes across the top. It turned out delicious, very moist. I had mac & cheese and peas on the side. Wow, another real meal complete with proteins, carbs and greens. I'm going to have to stop this cycle and have brownies for dinner tonight.

It's about time for my chocolate fiend to come out. Yup, it's the dreaded period week. I'm feeling a bit depressed/pissy today. Yet another mood in which I do not feel like doing a damn thing. I just want to get through this day. I'm looking forward to this evening out with the girls. Melanie invited me to see a free movie at her work, the one about the girls and the traveling pants. True corn that I wouldn't pay for. I love that shit though. I need to take in some stupid, brainless, fluffy movies occasionally...especially if they're free.

I didn't watch any t.v. last night. I've done that quite a few nights lately. Just been listening to music and reading. Either that or cleaning and organizing. Now if I could just sit down and draw. That's next on my agenda. If I had one. Agenda? What the fuck is that?

So I'm kind of bored at the moment. I am lonely for a new girlfriend. Melanie is so lucky, she works with so many cool people. That's the thing that really sucks about this job...there is no one to talk to.

I've made another appointment at the vet for Stanley. He's still got that weird infection in his gums that will NOT go away. Yea, MY cool cat has to have a chronic infection in his mouth that the vet is baffled over. He even had some teeth extracted a few months ago, but the infection is still pretty bad. I've been using an anti-bacterial mouth wash on him and he hates it. First of all because it hurts when I have to open his mouth wide and second of all because cats HATE having shit shoved in their mouths...naturally. So Saturday it's off to the vet to try and resolve this thing once and for all. I'm worried about him because it's not good for his kidneys to have this ongoing infection. Plus, it may be something else that's causing the infection, like diabetes or kidney problems. I think a blood test might be in order for poor poopsie.

It's lunchtime, I guess I'll go eat a little something. Then I have to go to the bank. Then maybe the day will be over. Why am I so depressed? Stupid, stupid. Stop it and be happy. Yes. Happy day.

Later.

Weather gods suck ass

I just have to complain about the fact that naturally, today being MONDAY when Ron and I have to WORK, has to be the most GORGEOUS fucking day! OF COURSE! It couldn't BE any other way!!

We've been trying to go to the beach for the past THREE WEEKENDS and it's been cold each and every one. Only for Monday to roll around and have it be gorgeous. ERG. I know, I know...come August I'm going to be begging for it to cool off again. We have plenty of time to go to the beach. It's...it's just that I wanna use my new fins again DAMNIT!!! Oh well, the time will come soon enough.

It's time for me to go home, but I'm going to stay a little while longer and do the receivables. I could do it tomorrow, but there's a lot of moola and I should deposit it... Also, I want to wait for it to cool down some because not only is it gorgeous, but it's HOT OUT as well. *sigh* And I have to fucking JOG today. *SIGGGHHHH* Gotta work muh butt 'cause I all I did was sit around, eat and watch movies all weekend. Because the weather was so ugly.

Ah, but such is my life!