Well, the days go by

And I still feel kinda shitty. Today is feeling better than yesterday, at least. Not quite so down. I swear, I had absolutely NO energy yesterday. My jog was pathetic. I could barely keep up the pace. Then I went home and just crashed. Maybe it had something to do with getting my blood drawn yesterday morning. I figured it was about time to check on the status of things. I should check on my cholesterol and such, just to be on the safe side. I also went to the doctor to check on my meds. The mood swings have not been settling down and I've been very hard on myself and others...*cough* Ron *cough* So I'm gonna go ahead and up them for the next few months. I figure, what the hell, why be miserable if I don't have to be?

Speaking of miserable, today is laundry day again. Oh joyous of joys. I can't possibly put it off another day. *sigh* The boring monotany that is day to day life. I hate chores. Ah, but I should count myself lucky that I'm even alive another day to do chores. I should be happy that I HAVE chores. Right? I guess I'd rather have monotany than total turmoil. Wasn't that ME complaining a few months ago about how everything was so INSANE? Now that it's calmed down I find myself restless again.

Everything is going to be fine. AAAAAAAaaaand repeat...

Wow, I haven't posted on a Sunday in ages. Here are some of my favorite drawings. Most have been posted at one time or another. One is new, found an old sketch book. Anyway, it's been somewhat of a stormy weekend in terms of mood. It's been kinda sad.

In conclusion...

Yep, still in the birdy mood. I found some lllloverly parrot pics yesterday... Lookit tha perdy scarlet macaws! I love it when they're all fluffy on the perch like that. Just relaxin' away, they is. AWWWwww!!!

Thought about my lil' 'ol situation with the friend last night. Like I said, we have been living different lives for a long time now. She has got a lot on her plate and I have to accept that. If she can't hang out when she visits, that's her choice. I have to give her room and not get all pissy and whiney because it's such a waste of energy. I swear, I could light a medium city for three months with the amount of energy I waste on all these emotions!

Now for the self pep talk...

This anger toward my friend is caused by one simple thing... Insecurity. I keep thinking she's mad at me, or I did something terribly wrong. There is nothing wrong. Let it go. And the stupid letter I wrote to whoreface the other day... I hate that I still have such insecurity that causes such terrible jealousy. What the fuck do I care if she doesn't talk to me any more? It's gone on long enough. It's HER loss, not mine. Again, she's a totally different person than I am. I am not a dork or stupid... Who fucking CARES! Heh, yea Zen... Don't let 'em rent space in my head!

Who's pissing me off now?

In the birdie mood today... I just re-did my MEEEEEEspace page with perty blue hiacynth macaws. I needed a change.

So what's going on this week? It was another nice weekend. No major upsets or anything! Anyway, I'm so relieved to have a new person to help at work. It's even better that she happens to be very nice, efficient, English is her first language AAAAAaand she's POLITE. No more insults from the old shipping lady. The old Philippino shipping lady (the boss' half sister) had left for many months, as she was going to retire in the Philippines. Well, things changed in her relationship with the hubby and we needed her help back here soooo...back she came! With her insults, too! It's so nice to hear how much weight you've gained since you got engaged/married, isn't it? I have gotten better at firing back to her though...mostly friendly fire. I just tell her I'm aware of the weight gain and I'm happy with my body thankyouverymuch. The thing is, she's not the brightest bulb, you know? She doesn't realize how tactless she is. It's pointless to get angry at her 'cause she's basically a nice lady who is set in her ways.

Okay now, so how about the latest in friends who let me down? I know, who's pissing me off now... Well, lemme tell ya! I've been insulted by a longtime friend this time. We've been friends since high school. She's always been a sort of difficult person to get along with. It doesn't help that I put her on this pedistal... She's either very sweet and saying or writing the nicest things to me or she's rude as hell. But some people are like that. Since we met on swim team in tenth grade, we've certainly had our ups and downs. I chose to deal with it because she was such a cool and interesting person to me back then. Many of the downs had to do with jealousy (there's that ugly word again!) on my part. You know, the typical insecure lame shit...the ugly duckling next to the gorgeous, popular blonde. I have to say that by the end of high school, she really did help me feel better about myself. We had a great summer before she left for college.

Her leaving for college was just the beginning. She didn't have the greatest childhood and wanted to get out of her home town. I can't say I blame her there! I admire that she has been travelling abroad and studying ever since. She comes to visit her parents and old friends about once or twice a year. Things were fine with the occasional visits and nice birthday cards up until wedding planning started. We'd had a wonderful visit last August and then came the holidays. I wondered why she cancelled our get together at the last minute before she had to leave...she left me a message on my cell. I got peeved and didn't call her back. Then I received an email explaining that things really DID come up and she just didn't have time to visit with me and...why would she want to spend her precious little time at home visiting with someone who didn't even CONSIDER her as a bridesmaid? And so the email argument ensued. Well gee, as I mentioned before, I see her once or twice a year if I'm lucky... My favorite line from one of her emails, "I thought I was your real friend..." 'Kay. If YOU'RE my REAL friend...shit, I shudder to think. Her even MENTIONING something like that to me, in the rude manner that she did, finally took her off of that pedistal I'd put her on so many years before. I really shouldn't be insulted. This was BOUND to happen. We've been going in different directions for years! She's adventurous, bold and brave...I am afraid of change, nervous and scared to leave this place that I've been wanting to leave for SO LONG. I admire her, I really do. It's just time to let her go as well...

Some more backround while I'm at it... She's the one with the 13 year old autistic brother who has really taken to me over the past year. He's a sweetheart and very into pets. I've taken my birdies to their house had a couple of play dates with him...with and without his sister being there. Then he got my phone number. I'm not sure if I or his sister gave it to him, but he has been calling almost every day for the past 8 months or so. I've talked to his parents and to him, trying to get him to call less but it hasn't helped. Of course, he is autistic and it's not his fault. Now I take advantage of caller i.d... I do enjoy talking to him, when I'm in the mood. But not every single day. Or even every single week! I don't even talk to my best friend that much! And I hate talking on the phone! But it's not fair to take my bad feelings for his sister out on him... He called the other morning at 7:30, as I was getting ready for work. I've told him before not to call me in the morning or past 9 at night. He needs reminders of course because he just doesn't have the capacity to understand time and such... That particular morning I was in a bad mood 'cause...well, I HATE mornings. So I was a little short with him and told him I'd call him back later. I didn't get home 'til late and forgot to call him. He called again the next day to tell me that the reason for his morning call was that his sister was home. Oh goodie! So I talked to him some and then his sister. Turns out she's got a paid internship in New York! Yaayy! I'm very happy for her because she's worked her ASS off for it... So she'll only be in town for a little while, she's not sure how long, before it's off to New York for the summer. Gone again. Yea.

Weekend goes by, she and I had sorta discussed touching bases on Monday. Her brother calls Monday evening and we talk awhile. I ask to speak to his sister so we can discuss getting together before she goes again. I hear him asking her...then he gets back on and tells me she's busy visiting with her grandparents that she hasn't seen in a long time. The same grandparents, I think, that she told me she was visiting for two weeks this past month. I'm not sure though... I ask if tomorrow night is good. I hear him ask and then, "Well, she's really busy..." She didn't even get on the phone with me. So I told her brother to have her call me when she has the time....BUH BYE...

I don't know... I think I'm being too sensitive again. But last time I checked, SHE was my friend and not her 13 year old brother. Oh, but she made it to my wedding! She made sure to point that out in a recent email. It was a lot for her, I have to admit. She was 8 hours away, writing a thesis and getting ready to graduate for a two year program. Plus I'd mentioned I'd try to make it to her graduation...that was right after my wedding. Who the fuck was I kidding?! But I really should have at least sent a card. I did purchase a card and gift a few weeks ago when I finally had time. I was going to give it to her when we got together this month. I felt guilty and emailed her telling her thank you for coming and all that...and also sent her a thank you for the lovely gift... I don't know if she got either though, 'cause she was supposed to be in New York and then in Arizona at her grandparents during the past few weeks.

So there you have it. The long, boring story. Gawd, women are so lame! We have all these damn *feelings*. I'm just going to leave the ball in her court. Leave her alone. Let her be mad at me for whatever it is I did. And NOT take it out on her little brother.

THE END.

Pretties

Well, good 'ol Zen is at it again! These bracelets are her latest works. Aren't they GORGEOUS?! Look at the little birdie!!! I love them, she sent them to me as a wedding gift. She is the sweetest thing. I still owe her a fairy painting! Shit, I really have to get back on the art. The fairy painting is the perfect way to do it. I just have to find a nice painting place... Thank you, Zen!

Then we have the wedding bling I never showed you. A better picture of my engagement ring, too. Ron was so romantic. He bought the set together when we got engaged in November 2005. He kept the wedding ring hidden from me for a year and a half! I was ssssooooo surprised to see it when he slipped it on my finger during the ceremony. Many people told me how they say the split-second expression of awe on my face! It's such a beautiful set, I love it. So elegant and simple, my favorite!

So there you have it, the jewelry I'm wearing today. Happy Friday!

What are you so mad at?

I don't know. For some reason, lately... I can't help myself. I keep flipping people off. Mostly people driving like shitheads...while I'm trying to cross the street. Some dude turns right in front of me before I can step off the curb to cross. *flip* Some asshole punks gun the engine at a stop sign and start to go as I step off the curb to cross? This one was particularly bad...I didn't just *flip*, no, I ran out and jumped in front of the car as it came to a screeching halt a foot in front of me and *flip*... I'm going to get myself KILLED! There is an anger inside that won't stop. Well, it's simply GOT to stop. Going around flipping people off isn't exactly going to solve anything, now is it?

How 'bout I try another way of releasing my anger? How about writing a letter? I've seen it done on countless diaries and blogs. Here goes:

Dear Prick Driver:

Is it too much to ask that you be the least bit considerate of the people around you? Obviously, it is. I hate you. I wish I could launch a granade (from a safe distance, of course) into your precious BMW/Mercedes/Hummer/Explorer/Escalade/trendy new Mustang and watch the lovely shower of shrapnel. That's not an option, unfortunately. Instead, I must learn to deal with your repeated rudeness. You're so important, aren't you? Gotta get where you're goin'! Gotta make more money for yourself! Take Take Take! FUCK YOU.

Sincerely,

Seacreature

And how about another one to that fucking whore I can't seem to take off of my MEMEMEspace friends list. All she does is piss me off now. I simply MUST get over it. I'm a million times the person she is. I don't understand this strange obsession I have with her. Well, it's probably because I'm jealous of her. I've gotta let this go. Why is this still hurting me? I know...now that all the wedding shit is over, I'm back to the same old dork. Pondering things that I can do nothing about.

Ahem...

Dear Whoreface,

Hi, remember me? We used to email back and forth all the time...until you joined MEMEMEspace and turned into a major attention whore. I have to admit, at first I thought you were the typical spoiled blonde. Little miss married to her boyfriend from sixth grade, popped out kids at 20, never had to work a day in her life...*eyeroll* Then as we talked, I found out that you have had plenty of hard times. You lost your sister, something I could never claim to understand, your mom is a psycho bitch from hell, you were broke...A LOT. I gained some respect for you, especially in learning that you homeschool your boys. I was also happy to find out that you love pets, especially birds, and that you have an artistic sense and like to paint.

I really enjoyed our emails and thought we were building a sort of friendship. You especially helped me through a very tough time with my ex. I thought maybe someday we'd get to hang out because we certainly seemed to have a lot in common. And the way you always said you "loved" me and that we were like "twins" all the time. I felt like I had finally made a new friend. It would have been great to have gone camping with you and your family. I know you live like, 8 hours away, you have a family and travelling far isn't something that's all that feasible but... I thought there might be a chance we could meet halfway or something. You even told me a few years ago that you might be able to have me come up for my birthday.

Then you joined MEMEMEspace. The emails quickly dwindled to almost nothing because you were now too busy making all sorts of new friends to bother with me. I had been on the site before and had taken down my profile because I thought it wasn't something for me. Well it certainly was for you! I decided to join up again 'cause, well, it IS addicting and fun. Somewhat. But it's still not really all that great to me. Heh...and I SAY I hate trends yet there I am with a stupid profile back up. Anyway, now I'm lucky if I get the occasional one or two-sentence message from you about one of my posts or pictures. You're still cool to me, but it's not like it was before.

Now you've got so many friends, many of which seem to adore you. And they're all in your town so you all get to go out and party, camp and have fun all the time...up north in that beautiful area you live in. In your big, beautiful house, in that lovely neighborhood that's so close to nature. You don't have to work. You just get up and take care of your boys and your big house full of pets. Then you sit on MEEEspace and spruce up your page, which I can't even stand to look at because it's full of tons of pictures of you having fun with all of your tons of friends. And your husband works during the DAY and comes home to you at night. I'm jealous because I wish I had that kind of life. I know, it always looks better from afar. I know I sound so stupid, especially since I've written to you a couple of times about the way I feel and have gotten very mediocre responses. I really should just give up and delete you. I don't know why I always open your bulletins, just to sneer at them...at the way they sound so completely OPPOSITE of what you seemed to be a few years ago.

I guess you ARE the typical blonde I thought you were at first. I feel so stupid for thinking you were anything else. Thanks for hurting me.

Sincerely,

The ever-insecure Seacreature

Hmmm...that was nice. Didn't really help though. Just made me more depressed. I'd better get back to work.

He needs a good lickin'

That'll show 'im.

Getting into the Drawing mood...and the infamous FLAKES

Look! Sketches for another illustration project!!! I'm trying to get myself into the drawing mood again. I swear, I could totally be a successful freelance artist if I wasn't so fucking scatterbrained and uninspired. Not to mention all the shit that's going on in my life right now. Once all of my wedding thank yous are out, I've got some work cut out for me. These are some character roughs. I have about ten ink drawings to do for this guy. Gawd I wish I had a studio to work in. Or at least a fucking kitchen TABLE to work on. With LIGHT. I guess I could do some at work or go to the library...

I'm pretty pissed about my other children's book project. I don't know what the fuck happened to the lady I was working with, but I haven't heard from her in almost a year. Last I talked to her she'd moved to Colorado because her mother-in-law was sick. She'd given me a new cell number and said she'd email me with a new email addy as soon as she got her computer set up. After not hearing from her for months, I tried calling the cell number and it'd been disconnected... *sigh* I cannot tell you how many times this woman told me that this was, "Definately going to happen." All her promises... This is her dream, it's going to get done, there are publishers who are interested, it's a wonderful idea, etc., etc... I always thought, I'll believe it when I see it. Well she's got my drawings so I think I'd better do some research. I don't think she'd fuck me over and publish without my consent, as we've worked together on the project for years...but after dealing with a lot of flakes, I'm beginning to have my doubts. Especially since I've had the same email addy and cell number and have not heard anything from her. Bitch.

Speaking of flakey bitches, I have gotten disappointed by that friend I mentioned in this entry for the last time. Not Rosemary, she REALLY made up for her flakeness from last year. No, it's my lovely horse loving friend Kim. I invited her to my wedding and received the RSVP saying she would be there. I was really looking forward to having her there. Well, she didn't show up. Two weeks later, after the honeymoon and all the hubbub calmed down, I still hadn't heard from her. I'd expected an email at least because I hadn't gotten a call...or so I thought. I sent her a friendly email saying I'd missed her at the wedding (I really did) and asked what happened. Her response..."OMG, didn't you get my message on your cell the day before your wedding??" Apparently she had gotten some sort of throat ailment that week and the doctor had told her to stay home and rest. So she left a message on my cell...which never even registered on my phone. I NEVER received a message from her. I told her so in my ever-so-friendly response, all the while wishing her well like the total kiss-ass I am. I wasn't mad though. I understood. It's wasn't HER fault she got sick. Still, I thought maybe I'd get a card from her congratulating me. Absolutely NOTHING. No card at all. I'm not asking for a gift or money...just some fucking ackowledgment. Now she HAS invited me to functions and shows at her barn and I haven't had time to go, either. You know....wedding and all. So we've BOTH had lots of life changes going on. I can't fault her for that. Plus we live 2 hours apart. It's so difficult to keep up this friendship and it's not even worth it anymore. I just need to lay off and stop getting so hurt by her. I should be the bigger person. I just won't go out of my way anymore.

Man, I just can't get this entry to be spaced correctly. I don't understand why that happens sometimes. Okay, lunch is over again. Back to work for me. Later...

The show

Oh yea, and here's a really shitty recording of the Secret Cheifs 3 show I went to on May 26th. Unfortunately, this doesn't do the show justice, AT ALL. But I was there man. I was THERE!

It drags on

Happy Tuesday to me. A quick update while I sip my mid-morning coffee... I've finally started writing my thank-yous. What a drag. I love to thank everyone, but it's such a task! My hand got so tired of writing and I only did about fifteen last night! At least I got started though. That's always the hardest part for me.

We had another great weekend and even got another bike ride in with Melanie and Ivan! We're going to try to make it a weekly thing. Every Sunday the four of us want to go on a mid-morning bike ride. Sunday turned out perfect...we met at 10:00 a.m., rode for a good while and then had lunch. Saturday was Melanie's birthday, exactly two weeks after mine. Melanie, Ivan, her brother Michael, his girlfriend Susan, Ron and I all went minature golfing that evening. I hadn't been in AGES! We didn't even keep score, just took turns whackin' the ball every which way. Well, not EVERY which way...mostly toward the hole! Haha! Then there were the video games...you can't go mini-golfing without gettin' in the old video games. So we tokened up and played away. An altogether lovely evening...

Okay, I've got to get some work done so I can sneak in some thank-yous this afternoon! Later!

Cluttered Houses of Misery

This isn't my house, but it sure feels that way... FUCK CALIFORNIA AND ITS FUCKED UP REAL ESTATE MARKET!!!!!!!! Arghghg...once again, I find myself frustrated at my living situation. I know. Why don't I tell an interesting story instead of continuing to complain? Because this is my stupid place to vent, dammit!

About every two to three weeks or so, I find myself getting unbelievably aggravated by the chaotic mess I live in. Well, maybe chaotic is too strong a word... It's actually a somewhat organized mess. It's just TOO MUCH STUFF IN A TINY ASS PLACE. I guess I'm just jealous. I can't help it. I shouldn't go jogging in pretty neighborhoods with huge, gorgeous houses gaping down at me from their luxurious perches on the hills above... I can't help wishing I was some rich fucks pampered cat. Only 15 to 20 years of life? That's fine by me! I'd get to spend it sleeping around a giant house, getting free meals and gazing out the floor to ceiling windows at the birdies and butterflies.

It is inevitable that my thoughts head toward the path of negativity. It goes like this...

"I'm never going to be able to afford a nice house. I'm always going to be poor because I am lazy and worthless. If I want something I have to work really hard for it and I don't wanna! It's too stressful! WAH, WAH, WAH!"

Or the old faithful...

"There are too many goddamned people coming to California and driving up the real estate prices! Get the fuck out, you shitheads!!!"

Such a healthy mantra to keep repeating to oneself. Makes the bitterness just well right up from the depths of the soul. It doesn't help that I got to see my boss' new house this week. She started moving into it last week. It's so lovely and SPAAAAAAACIOUS. Way more room than a single woman needs. It was only 2 million dollars. Yea. I think the original owners bought it for around $400-$500,000.00.

Okay well, that's enough. It's time to elevate the ol' 'tude. It's getting out of hand again. Positive, positive thoughts. We WILL be able to afford a house someday. SOMEDAY SOMEDAY SOME-MUTHERFUCKING-DAY!