Continuation...sorta...

Ahh, Thursday already. I had a great weekend and the week is shaping up nicely. PUH-lusss, I get PAID today! Wooo-hoooo! And it all goes to RENT! Yippie-kie-yeaaayyy!
I have a lot of end of the month shit to do today...bleh. Oh well, it's good to have this lovely diary to distract myself as I move through the day. It's almost lunchtime, too. The day is flying.
So my parents met Ron for the first time this past Sunday. It was great, they had invited him to Easter dinner. We all had a lovely time. It was one of my brothers and sister-in-law and the two kids, my mom, dad, my brothers MIL, Ron and I. They really liked him and I was proud to introduce him.
I'm happy because I finally got my computer back from my friend. It was all fucked up and one of the hard drives had died. It's still got a pretty big drive left though, and now it's all clean and protected. I lost a lot of stuff, but it wasn't really important. Plus, I probably still have some of the older stuff on my old hard drive. I'm so very thankful to have a great friend who knows how to deal with (and has the patience for) computers. I'd been doing pretty well with the maintenance thus far, but the shit really hit the fan and demanded a total reformat this time. So I am with computer AND I got an old Nintendo video game system from my cousin over the weekend. The cousin that introduced Ron and I. He's so happy to see us together and it's so cool to be in more touch with him again. Anyway, he and I were talking about old Mario Brothers games and I was telling him how utterly obsessed I was with them as a teen. I've never really been into video games, I actually can't stand most of them... But there's just something about the Mario Brothers series. Those games are just all fun and fantasy. So he told me he had an old Super Nintendo sitting around and would be more than happy to give it to me. He also gave me four games...one of which is Mario Bros. 1 - 3. HOLY SHIT I'M IN HEAVEN! I'm such a dork...I sat there last night just playing the hell outta that thing. Soooo much fun...and of course I got all nostalgic....ah, the old days.
Okay, so where did I leave off on the whole damn ex-boyfriend story? Shit, I'm kinda sorry I started that now. Well, I guess I can go along little by little. It's not toooooo terribly long.....I don't think. Um, so yea...we met and he was my first love. My first EVERYTHING. Things went pretty well for the first three years. Of course there were red flags here and there, but when you're in love (especially for the first time)you tend to ignore these things at first. AT FIRST. Of course I was also young and naive and this was my first real relationship so that's another reason why I was willing to overlook so much. And much I did overlook. The first GLARING problem was the fact that he was divorced. We met and started dating seriously only 4 months after he moved out from the ex-wife's place and into....HIS PARENTS HOUSE. GLARING PROBLEM number ONE, actually. Okay, so he's got an ex-wife, so they didn't work out...he married young and they were only together a total of five years. She drove up the credit card bills and he worked as a seasonal fireman. He made very little money and needed to move in with his parents to get back on his feet. Not a big problem, right? Lotsa people do that, right? Yea...but not everyone has parents who are enablers. Not every man is a momma's boy. Okay, that's it for now. I've been adding to this all damn day and I haven't gotten much of anywhere. Since I now have a PC at home, I will try to continue this tonight while I'm downloading upgrades. Later!

The beginning of the dreaded EX story...we all have one, or two, or...

Look, it's a two entry day! I actually finished most of my work and I get to leave early today. Why not fuck around for the last hour or so, hummm? Just so long as I get everything done, which I have. The important stuff anyway :)
I want to get to the reason why I started this diary. I've never had one before. I've tried doing the journal thing, but I was never one to have an actual diary. I think it'll be interesting to go back and read later. Of course, duh, that's one of the main purposes of a diary, right? Well, I also have an online friend that lives about 400 miles away and we've become pretty close online. I was going through a particularly tough time (thankfully the LAST of a string of many, you know the usual...we never learn) with my ex during the tail end of summer and I found it very helpful to unload all my emotional shit to her online. I could tell her many things that I couldn't tell my family or friends. It's nice to have an arbitrary person to babble to, and get opinions from. I saved some of what I thought were the more intriguing emails to read later. They were great to read after the fact, after I got a whole new perspective...after I dumped his sorry ass. So...that's kinda what this diary is for...
I've noticed while reading along, that there are so many women in these fucked up relationships or who have just gotten out of fucked up relationships and so on and so forth. So I guess I should start with MY story, huh? We ALL have one. Some are more sordid that others...that dreaded ex or exes and the scarring relationship. I'm still pissed about the whole thing, which is a wasted emotion, I know. Espcially since I've got a lovely boyfriend now. I'm supposed to have learned from the last one and moved on by now. Get the FUCK OVER IT! 'Kay, that's another thing this diary should help me with. People are tired of hearing about Mr. shithead. Ssssssoooooooo....I'll hash out an abbreviated version in here and bitch and moan about it whenever the fuck I feel like it...'til I'm completely and totally over it. Yay.
It aaaalll started seven lovely years ago. At the time, I was what I thought a homely 19 year old. I had NEVER HAD A BOYFRIEND! Oh GOD NO! I'm a freak! No one loves me and no one will! Fuck, if you think I'm insecure NOW, I was a total moron back then. I've learned so much about myself and gotten so much self esteem in the last five years it's rediculous. So I'm a fucking late bloomer, who gives a shit! I couldn't even handle a boyfriend in highschool anyway! Sure, I'd had my share of pathetic dates...just a few embarrassing and awkward moments with guys. Hell, I EVEN made it to my senior prom! With some dorkus who "broke my heart". Lesson #1...just because they wanna fuck you doesn't mean they like you. Pfft....duuuuhhh. So then I was off to junior college and waitressing in a restaurant. I stressed out so much during the transition from highschool to college (I fucking HATE school...it wasn't even a REAL college for christs sake) that I broke out in hideous acne. Oh, I thought I had pimples in highschool. No, I didn't even learn the meaning of acne 'til I hit 18 and my face exploded. Hmmmm, adult onset acne. HOW FUN! Just what I need! So I battled the pus face for about a year and then it started to clear up for the most part. I'm one of the lucky greasy Italians who gets pimples. I will get pimples for-fucking-ever. BUT, they're now under some sort of control. So being a late bloomer, low self esteem and all that lame ass youngster bullshit that is sooooo normal kept me from getting my first real boyfriend 'til I was 19. I met...hmmm...what should I call him...I've already used some people's real names so I may as well just use his. It's a stupid ass name and I always hated it...Arn. I ALWAYS had to explain his fucked up name to people...they'd be like "Is that short for Arnold or something?" ALWAYS. I'd be like, no, he's a Scandinavian mommas boy. Okay, so I met ARN at the restaurant I was working at. Picture the shy, cutsie 19 year old hostess/waitress and a 28 year old comes in and asks her out. Well, he had just gotten out a four year marriage and found out that my sister-in-law was still working at the restaurant he used to love to go to before he got married. He was in highschool with her. So he started coming in and noticed me. He asked my sister-in-law if I was dating anyone and she said no, naturally. Sooo...he asked me out. I declined at first because I thought he might be a weirdo (I always attract weirdos, but then again, I'M a weirdo) and he was too old for me. So I told him he was too old for me. Ah, but that fucker was persistent as hell. He continued to come in and just be friendly toward me. At least once a week. I then found out that he was a swimmer in highschool and was still swimming at nights to keep in shape to become a fireman. Ooooh, yes, ladies...a fireman. Uh, so yea, I wanted to swim too 'cause I was a swimmer in highschool too! Holy shit! A common interest. So off we went swimming one night. Then followed the "long talk" and the "first date" and so on and so forth. My 19 year old, inexperienced ass thought I was in love. Yes....it starts. Okay, I thought this was gonna be an abbreviated version...but now I gotta go into all sortsa detail and shit. It's time to go home! I have half day today and damn me if I ain't gon' take advantage of it! I'll continue sometime next week I guess. Bubbye fer now!

Fun, work and insecurities

I can finally add an entry...whew. I've just been too busy to write. Oh yea, and my home computer is still broken. Melanie was all ready to return it last night, but of course the fucker had to start giving her problems. She was gonna call me with an update before ten, but she didn't of course. Mike was coming over to help her and I'm sure they got all high and forgot. Whatever...
I'm slightly pissed because I have to work today and it's Good Friday. Not that I'm particularly religious (I'm what you'd call a non-practicing Catholic...oh the shame my parents feel...). I guess that's what I get when I work for a small religious goods company and my boss goes on vacation. But I'm thankful to have a job. It could be much worse...I could be digging ditches, shoveling shit or working in retail fuckland.
I was invited to go snowboarding with Melanie today too. Fuck. She gets today off and she works for one of the most PAGAN companies there is...Warner Brothers. Ah, but it's a HUGE company and that means there are many religious types working there. I guess it's logical then. Oh well, I can't afford to go snowboarding anyway. With AAALLLL this fucking rain we've been getting, I doubt I'm gonna get to see the snow ONCE this year. Sucks ass.
I had a great end of the week and weekend last week. I ran another five miles on Thursday, which felt great. Saturday Ron, my cousin Mark and his son Mason and I went to the LA County Museum of Art. I hadn't been there in almost ten years. The last time I went was for school. I was all nervous about my assignment so I didn't really enjoy it. This time I did. It was great spending time with my cousin and his son, too. We all laughed and had a good 'ol time. Then we stayed up all night and partied....lovely.
This week has been good. Really busy at work because people are getting all their last minute Easter orders in. Oh yes, and I finally hooked up through my brother. It took forever but it was worth it. Shit, I'm such a pothead. Oh well, it could be worse. I'm not THAT bad. At least I don't smoke it before I go to work and every other hour. Sometimes I even skip a day!
I also got my final drawing ok'd by Lucy. Now I get to ink it. This is going to be a slow project, I'm sure, but it'll be fun. I'd love to see those beautiful astrological calendars turned into books. Lucy did some fanastic writing, she is very talented. So are her twin sisters. The project is on it's way at least...
But I've got the blahs today because I'm just plain tired, too. Haven't gotten too much sleep this week and last night was horrible. I couldn't sleep at all. I fell asleep on the couch and then went to bed around 12:30. Ron was spending the night and he had gotten up really early so he was in bed by 10:00. But once I hit it, I just couldn't sleep....*sigh* When I finally DID fall asleep, I woke up a few hours later to Ron's incessant coughing. He's got asthma and his inhaler ran out. Poor guy... I'm gonna have to do something about all the dander floating around my house. I vacuum at least twice a week, rub the cat down with dander remover...it still doesn't work. It's the weather too, that doesn't help him at all. So he left for work at 5:30 and I drifted in and out of consciousness 'til I had to drag myself outta bed at 6:30. Bleh. I drove all the way to work with a huge scowl on my face. Squinty eyes that feel like I'm wearing cotton contacts.
I was such a bitch to Ron last night, too. Not really a BITCH per se...just kinda bitch-y. Irritated for no good reason and it was lame. Okay, the guy is a musical guru. He plays guitar and knows his shit. He and my cousin are all about music and talent. So anyway, he's not a huge fan of hip hop, rap or dj music. These are some of my favorite genres. I'm not picky, I like all kinds of music...regardless of how much 'effort' the artist put into it. I do like the more underground stuff, but then I appreciate a lot of the more popular stuff. Well, not lately though...I think I'm getting to the age where all that's coming out new lately is just plain garbage. Ron is all about effort and talent and blood sweat and tears when it comes to music. I'm all about...derrr...I like the beat. I'm such a dork though, I get all insulted when people, especially my boyfriend, make fun of the music I listen to. I love music so much, I don't go a DAY without listening to it. The whole thing is, Ron's been turning me on to all sorts of great music (some of it not so great but I dared not say..even though he really wouldn't care because it's ALL OPINION) and I wanted to do the same. He had let me copy a dj cd last week and it reminded me of some of the cool dj stuff I have. So, naturally, I wanted to take a turn...you know...check THIS out dude! Well, what does he do? He starts wincing and telling me it's awful, that they're just stealing other people's music...stuff that those people worked hard on yadda yadda. I'm just sitting there like....but, but I LIKE it. It's fuun! Then I feel like I don't know shit and I can't argue a thing and that my taste sucks. I totally KNOW he doesn't MEAN to make me feel this way because he told me so. He's telling me it's all opinion and he'd just as soon go out dancing to my shit as any other shit. But...but it's not the same. I just can't help it. It's so stupid, I know. I get all insulted for nothing! But still, I just wanted to hear him say, "Wow, this is cool, I like it." But no... Then I put on another one and he thinks it's pretty cool, but by this time he's lost interest and is ready to move on...well, we WERE in my car listening because neither of my shitty CD players in the house works.
I guess this all stems from my insecurities. I don't know HOW many times he's told me how cute, great, beautiful and awesome I am. But, sometimes it seems like he's not listening to me. I've told him this a couple of times. He says he's always listening to me and not to worry. It's just that he should show it more. I want him to at least TRY and act intersted when I'm telling him about things. Sometimes he'll even butt in and start a new thing when I'm in the middle of telling him about something. This is frustrating. He just can't wait to tell me about this car he's seen, or that bike he's seen or has or whatever. But when I'm trying to tell him about my awesome experience of holding a huge parrot...he's barely there. I know we can't all have the exact same intersts and that's what makes relationships interesting. It's great to get new perspectives on things from the other person. It's just that sometimes I don't feel like he's listening or cares...even though he does. I can be a bit too sensitive about it, I know but.... *sigh*
So yea, that was last night. He was like..."You're not MAD are you? It's just my opinion..." I said of course not because I didn't want to make a big deal outta nothing...of course. Yea, everyone has an opinion. I just want him to think mine is cool. He's always the one who knows this and that and has this and that that no one else has or blah blah. Now I don't want to show him anything. I don't even want to listen to my fucking cds anymore. I know, I'm lame. I'll get over it. Fuck, I gotta work. Bye bye.

Burnin'

Ramblings (the first of many, I'm sure)

Okay, it's Tuesday. I managed to go home and do laundry last night. That was oh so very exciting. I got it all done though....well, 'cept for towels. I had three HUGE loads and the towels just would have made another load. Didn't need that. I have plenty of towels to last me 'til the next time I decide to do laundry, in about two or three weeks. I have TONS of clothes, I don't know where they all came from 'cause I haven't bought clothes in ages. I hate clothes shopping.... I hate shopping. Oh yea, duh...my lovely friend Lisa. She's a shop-a-holic, loves to keep up with trends... She's got great taste. She'll tire of some of her older stuff it ends up in her endless pile of give-aways. Then I'm the lucky benefactor. Thanks Lisa! Now be careful with that credit card...
Anyway, laundry got done, pet chores got done...I'm a terrible neat freak...had to make sure everything was straightened up before I could relax. I sometimes hate that about myself. I wish I could just let things go, especially during the week. But no, I have to clean. Well, at least it leaves the weekends mostly free to do what I want...which is usually nothing because I'm fucking broke. Things will get better one day though, right? Yes, of course. Just keep doing what I'm doing even though it sometimes bores me to death.
I'm going through that phase again at the moment...the one where I just feel like fucking everything off and running away. It's very silly, I know. I'm just....bored. I wanna go somewhere beautiful, somewhere I've never been before. I wanna do something I've never done before. I wanna put my fears aside and just run. Last week I hadn't had much of a chance to jog and shit just built up inside me. No, not THAT shit... Other shit...daily irritations that really shouldn't bother me. Every now and again, no matter how well my life is going at the time, I feel like I wanna just BREAK something, kick someone, throw a fit. I don't know what it is...I feel trapped. Like I gotta get OUTTA HERE.
I guess that's what this online diary is for. I can join the masses and write a buncha bullshit online. Have a buncha strangers read it. How fucking COOL is that? Maybe it'll help some, I dunno. We'll see. But I still have that trapped feeling. Like I'm bored with life and I'm too scared to take a risk and DO something about it. Sometimes ya just gotta say fuck it. Uh-huh, I know. FUCK IT.

Monday Blues

Yuck...it's Monday again. At least it's the end of the day. I'm finishing things up here at work and getting ready to go home. I'm kind of depressed today. I usually am after a nice weekend. I don't feel like doing anything. I'm debating whether I should do laundry when I get home. The thought of it is just nausiating. I have at least four huge loads to do. I think I'll just do half tonight. I know I've just gotta do sheets and socks.
I'm broke as hell, too. I've got some big bills coming up and I can't afford to buy anything fun lately. It sucks making little money and having to be responsible. I'm so glad I don't have any major debts. I don't know what I'd do if I did. I'm already a nervous wreck about bills....
Damnit, I have to work on drawings, too. I've been meaning to do it, I'm just not in the mood. I have to mail some drawings off to this guy or he's gonna think I'm a loser. I said I'd do it this week...it's so simple. I've already done most of what I have to do.
*Sigh*....and after spending a wonderful weekend with my boyfriend, I hate that I can't see him again for another two and a half days. That always brings me down. Plus he's probably gonna get another damn job to help pay off his debt so he'll probably be working Saturdays pretty soon. Which SUCKS 'cause he already works nights. We're never gonna be able to do anything FUN. Fuck. Okay....gotta finish up so I can get outta here and go tackle the piles awaiting me in my lovely closet. Ughghghghg....

A bit about ME

Well, I guess I should start out by introducing myself. I'm a 27 year old California native single chick. Been living in LA all my life. I'm hoping to get out of here some day, but for now it'll do. I work in at a small company as an office manager. I'm also an artist and do little freelance projects on the side here and there. I'm pretty happy with my lot in life...though I wish I made more money. Unfortunately, I'm not a very career, goal oriented person. But I'm living one day at a time and so far so good.
I just started a new relationship with a great guy. It's only been about four months so we're still in the 'falling in love' fun stage. I was in a six year relationship before this one...almost got married...EEEeek!! Sooooo very glad I didn't. It was a fun relationship in the beginning, then turned into your typical nightmare. Passive-aggressive types are NOT for me....
Hmmmm....what else about my boring self... I love animals and have a small menagerie at home. I could never live without some sort of pet in my life. Always had an aquarium, I love fish...grew up with a wonderful dog. Now I've got birds, rats, an aquarium (of course), a tarantula and a cat. No, my place is not a stinky, crowded mess. I live in a very cute back house with all my little buddies and I keep it very clean. Lysol is my best friend.
One of the main problems I've had in my life is a very low self esteem. I was always shy, never believed in myself...but as the years have gone by, especially in the last ten years, I've really come out of my shell and can say that I'm now somewhat proud of who I am. It took me a helluva long time to develope a 'if you don't like me, fuck you' attitude. But, as I slowly mature (and I do mean SLOWLY) I've come to know myself a lot better. I guess the self esteem thing stems from the fact that I'm depressed/anxious. There are SOOO many people like that these days and they have a pill for EVERYTHING. I'm not ashamed to say that drugs (both legal and not) have helped me a lot. I have a family history of nervousness and depression. I know that's not an excuse though, and I've been working on it. I give myself lotsa kudos for being able to make it on my own. I've had my good times and bad times and that's....just....life. Major lesson....LIFE IS NOT FAIR. Oh well...
'Kay, that's it for now. There ya go....