More fun from the Onion

This is brilliant!

We Must Preserve The Earth's Dwindling Resources For My Five Children

By Brenda Melford

June 28, 2006

As we move into the 21st century, it is our responsibility to think of the future of the earth—not for ourselves, but for those who will inherit what my husband and I leave behind when we're gone. If we do not join together and do what's best for this, our only planet, there may not be an environment left in which my five children, and their 25 children's 125 children, can grow up and raise large upper-middle-class families of their own. Nothing less than the preservation of my descendents' lifestyle itself is at stake.

Imagine a world devoid of pristine wilderness for my progeny to explore on the weekends in the sport-utility-vehicles of the future, leaving my youngest son, Dylan, with nowhere to blow off steam on off-road adventures. Imagine a world in which my beautiful middle son, Connor, is denied his twice-daily half-hour hot showers because of water shortages. Picture what it would be like for my oldest boy Asher, preparing to start his first semester at Stanford, to have to go without basic amenities such as cable television, satellite radio, central air, or massage chairs, all because of the shortsighted squandering by his parents' generation of our non-renewable energy sources today.

Though it seems like a far-off nightmare, this terrible vision is all too possible. Would you want to live in a world where my five children had to endure such horrible deprivations? I know I wouldn't. If we don't take action now, my daughters Kimmy and Jenna may not be able to blow-dry their hair for 45 minutes to an hour each morning, nor may my future sons-in-law cut their grass atop enormous, diesel-powered riding mowers. In fact, they may not even have lawns—at least not the lush, verdant kind that requires constant watering and pesticide treatment. It's conceivable that one day my five children's spacious yards may be entirely composed of synthetic Astroturf, or—God forbid—those tacky wood chips my sister in Arizona uses.

In a cruel irony, those wood chippings will get more expensive as the world's timber supply continues to shrink. Encroaching urban sprawl has already begun to spoil the view from the porch of our beautiful new summer home on Lake Wakenaka. Sadly, the view from the bay windows of our first summer home, the one we built at our Woodland Acres property six years earlier, has already been ruined by such unchecked development. Must my children grow up in a world where only one of their parents' summer homes is surrounded by the beauty of nature? It's unthinkable, I know, but we must face facts. This is to say nothing of the deleterious impact the destruction of our global ecosystems will have on the wildlife my family enjoys hunting. Biodiversity is crucial to another 100 years of deer-, quail-, duck-, bear-, moose-, bobcat-, and bison-shooting summer recreation for my descendents.

We must take steps immediately to devise safe, alternative energy sources that my future offspring can safely consume. If we don't develop new fuels now, there will be none left for those who issue from my loins to burn and continue to burn for all time. I don't want my 625-odd great-grandchildren to have to wait 20 or 30 precious seconds for their toilets to flush. I don't want their 3,125 children to live in a hellish society where they cannot own their own snowmobiles. And I shudder to think that my 15,625 great-great-great-grandchildren may not be able to have TVs in every room that they can leave on all day and all night. Is it our right to deny my progeny of their gargantuan RVs and motorboats, as well? Of course not.

We cannot, in good conscience, lay such a burden on tomorrow's generations of Melfords. My children are the future. And at the end of the day, isn't it family—my family—that truly matters.

A Sure Sign the World's in the Toilet...or is it just our heads?

So I've been trying to find a psychiatrist in Los Angeles, I need to get these meds adjusted. The anxiety has started to distort my world and is causing me quite a bit of misery. Ron's not having a good time with it, either. In my quest for a prescribing doctor, I've discovered that getting an appointment before next year is like trying to find a pearl earring at the bottom of the ocean. It seems that the majority of Los Angeles area and surrounding counties is on some sort of anti-depressant. I wonder if it's a West Coast thing because there are so many pansy, emotionally sensitive artists living here. We all need a boost in our sagging self esteem during these increasingly difficult times. I'm sure the United States as a whole is dotted with many mentally struggling individuals, hell I've read it on so many blogs! I find it alarming that there are so many people who can't cope without the help of drugs, prescribed or not, myself included. What the fuck is going on?? Is the world really that shitty?

I think it has to do with the fact that emotional disorders are indeed hereditary and are often passed on down the line, unbeknownst to parents. Many just don't think that far ahead. Maybe they think their fantastic and amazing parental skills will somehow erase the generations of mental illness. It's this delusional thinking that's contaminated the gene pool with so many head cases. We are all suffering from some mass Stockholm Syndrome, our captor being our own fucked up minds.

It's time to pick up the phone and try yet another doctor, one I went to about 10 years back. He might be able to squeeze me in by Thanksgiving. He must be patting himself on the back plenty, with all those hundred dollar bills, for getting into his chosen profession. It looks like we're always going to need ourselves a good head shrinker.

It's more phun with photoshop!

Sometimes cute baby pictures need a little help.

BWAH! I know... Juvenile... Speaking of which...

I think the "Towlie Eyes" are a nice touch, don't you? I'm sorry, I just had to...

Beautiful example of your tax dollars at work

I just love The Onion. I always forget about it. Guess it's time to add it to my lil' 'ol sidebar.

This one my me cry I laughed so hard... Oh man, I'm wiping the tears away right now. Ssshit... *whew* Okay, gotta get to work now. Just had to share.

Start July right, with a nice uneven burn

Ron and I finally made it to the beach this past Sunday. It was a great day, 'cept for all of the annoying people of course. It's been a hot week and that sent most of the huge population of Los Angeles to the coast. I wonder what the hoards must have looked like from the sky as they moved in and darkened the edges, peppering the water. We tried to make it an early day, arriving at about 10:30 a.m. It's best to get there as early as possible before every ounce of parking is sucked up. Get there at noon and you're screwed. Next week we plan on getting there by 9 a.m. so as to be out of there by the time the place is overrun.

It was good to get out and exercise tolerance for my fellow human beings. I didn't do toooo bad, but could have done better. I could have saved the loud remarks about all the yuppie clone families pushing huge strollers. Strollers. Strollers, everywhere strollers. And screeching contributions. Then there were the loud teenagers, including the ones shouting to each other over our table while we were trying to have breakfast. I know, eating at a bar and grill at the BEACH, we've gotta expect the entitled local asshole teenagers to be all over the place. This group had to split up because they were too big for the tables. So one group sat at the table to the right of us, one group to the left of us. It would have been okay if they had sorted their shit before they sat down. But no... They had to bellow across our table.

I'd had enough after a couple of exchanges and yelled, "Do you HAVE to shout over our HEADS?! FUuuuck!"

Nothing but blank stares. No 'sorry', no nothing. At least they shut up...for a little while. They were drinking, and like I said, it's way too much to expect at a BAR.

Oh yes, and to the other side of us? A father with three chillun. They were quiet for the most part. I can block out their loud little voices if they're not saying something obnoxious like, "EEEEewwww, I don' LYKE EHGGZ! Youuu ead it! I don' WUH-NUH ead dit!" That was actually last week...

I couldn't help but notice the one little girl, she looked about four, tear open some sugar packets and start to gingerly sprinkle them all over the floor around her chair. It only took dad about two packets to notice and then quietly tell her to stop... To which she responded by tearing open another packet *behind her back* and sprinkling as much as she could back there. I don't think dad noticed at all that time. I had to turn back to Ron before I went over there myself and did what my mom would have done to me. Deliberate disobedience like that made my mom furious. She'd have yanked my arms out and grabbed those sugar packets, then while giving me a good stinging pinch under the chin she'd hiss at my face through clenched teeth, "You stop that RIGHT NOW, you hear me? Don't you DARE disobey me again!"

Ah, but who in the hell wants to get caught disciplining their children these days? It's so...so...uncool. They have to pretend that it doesn't bother them. I guess I have to do that as well. Ron really hates it when I get all bitchy about the kids. Gawd, I'm only 32 and young people are pissing me off so much. If I continue this way, I'll end up isolating myself. That's not good at all. I'm already feeling very lonely, though I'm surrounded by thousands of people. It's called 'crazy' when that starts to happen.

So yea... Uhm... The beach. Yes, the beach was nice because the weather was gorgeous. It was the perfect summer day. We found a spot a little further behind the growing crowd at the water line and laid out our old towels. It wasn't long before we needed to visit the water and we couldn't believe how warm it was. "Warm" in California means it's over 60 degrees. If it hits 69-70 it's like bathwate, that usually doesn't occur until late August. But we were happy not to have to endure the numb feet and legs while trying our best to get used to it. I don't do well with the freezing water anymore and would much rather just skip the swim if it means I won't have a heart attack when a wave crashes over my shoulders.

Sunday was great though... Ron did some boogie boarding while I swam out past the waves to do a few laps back and forth. Then we laid out some before heading back into the water for refreshment. I'm surprised Ron didn't mow down a few kids while he was boarding, I saw a few close calls. I watched one kid ducked under the waves just as Ron zoomed overhead with this look of sheer joy on his face. It was cute. I'm glad I didn't board though, I probably would have shaved some heads and backs.

We'd had enough by about 3:30 and gathered ourselves to go. On the ride home we discovered that during all the people watching, swimming and laying out, we hadn't reapplied the sunblock enough. We're now sporting the blotchy, uneven burned look of stupid tourists. Yes, I was sure to have Ron spray it on my many scary back moles, but didn't get my legs enough. I also didn't get my stomach or the cavernous gap between my boobs. I've even got spray marks, it's beautiful. I guess I'll have to work on evening things out next time. I've also made an appointment at the dermatologist so that I can get those dark back moles taken care of, I'm starting to worry.

Trying to sleep that night with krispy legs was fun. I kept waking myself up every time I moved. The aloe gel was soothing to put on at first, but the discomfort would come when it dried, leaving the skin tight and sticky. Yea, pulling my legs apart when they stuck together was like having my skin peeled off. I'm so thankful for the air conditioning, which we had to leave on that night or we'd have burst into flames. Ahhh...sunburn...brings me back. I can't do this to myself anymore though, it's really not worth it. Not to mention how rediculous it looks.

Next week we're going to make a point to go out again. Maybe I can keep my nasty comments to myself and quit complaining. It's pointless and just makes me all the more miserable. Just let it go of the anger and ignore it. Until next time I let go of the dental floss leash that holds my emotions in "check".

Feeling out of place

I know...more pictures of my cat! What did you expect? Since I seem to be lacking excitment in my life lately, I decided to bring Stanley to work yesterday. My boss is on vacation so my animal loving coworker and I decided to have another pet day. That's lovley coworker posing with him, she's such a sweetie. I love that she adores animals as much as I do. She has a dog and a rabbit at home.

The last time I brought Stan to work with me was about five years ago, when my ex-boss was out of town on business and I was left alone at the office for a few weeks. When Stanley was a teenaged kitty, he had much more energy and curiosity so he seemed to enjoy exploring the large office building. Well, he'll be nine years old this coming October so he's becoming an old hair man... He's entering the old homebody stage, set in his ways. He felt nervous and out of place all day, didn't touch his food or water until I brought it over to his comfort spot under my desk, where he spent the majority of the day. I did bring him to the upstairs office once to see what he'd do, but he just cowered under the main desk, in between all the wires and crap. The server happens to be under that desk so I had to get him out of there...cat hair in the computer system spells future disaster for sure.

No more outings for kitty, unless he has no choice... He's okay with being indoors most of the time. I do let them outside on the weekends occasionally, but they rarely spend too much time out there. They're usually back inside napping after only about an hour.

So what else is new in my boring life? Well, I must say I happen to be feeling a little out of place with my friends. More like one friend, really... Okay, so I've been avoiding Fakebook, right? I've been trying anyway. I go to visit the few friends I like on there and that's been it. Maybe play a few games or take some stupid quizzes, not too much. I try to avoid looking at things that might upset my rediculously delicate feelings. This morning I saw it again. More pictures from that Liza chick showing the 4th of July 'celebration'. Normally, this wouldn't bother me, except for the fact that once again my 'best' friend Melanie was in them. Yea... The one I emailed and called on Friday to see what they were doing for the 4th. The one who didn't return my call all weekend, then returned my email on Monday apologizing for not calling me back, adding that she'd spent the weekend not doing much but sunning herself. I know, get over it right? So what if Melanie wants to hang out with 'the gang'. I'm not invited anymore. All those 'mutual friends' I thought Melanie and I had are really just friends with Melanie. They don't give a flying shit about me.

I realize Melanie is not in a good place in her life right now. The poor thing is losing her job in less than a month (she's known she was laid off for five months now), she's living with a boyfriend who is very difficult (we're going through very similiar relationship issues, actually, 'sept he won't marry her) and she's just had a shitty year altogether and is burnt the hell out. I can't help but wonder if I'm just a reminder of bad times to her. I wonder if that's the reason she seems to be avoiding me... Not returning my calls or emails for days and such. Really, I'm not contacting her a lot at all. I'm totally giving her space and respect that she's got a lot going on. I just can't help but feel a little hurt. I guess I'm too much of a jealous person. What is the point? Should I even bother mentioning this to her? I wonder if I'll just throw it out there next time we get together, if it's not too far into the future... "SOooo, what'd you guys end up doin' on the 4th?" She'll probably tell me they went to a party.

It's not a big deal, I know. I just feel so disconnected from everything lately. I guess I could try to get off my ass and contact people...they just seem to be moving on with their lives without me. I should get used to it. That's how life works. It's happened to me before, friends come and go, sometimes it's the same people. You'll disconnect for years and then something brings you together.

Hell, it's time to get back to my work. I need to concentrate on my tasks and stop worrying endlessly.

Oh yea, one other thing... Chris, if you happen to be reading this, could you please give me a password to your page? Thanks...

Later.

...and in case you're wondering...

I'm doing okay today. The weekend was okay as well. Not good, but not too bad either.

We didn't do anything for the 4th, just went to see 'The Hangover'. Eh. It was funny but a little too over-hyped as usual. It certainly wasn't worth the trip to the theater, full frontal male nudity or not. I really could have lived with not seeing a nasty China man's junk. Have I mentioned that I cannot STAND the theater anymore? As if sitting through the previews isn't bad enough, the damn 20 minutes of pure commercials is way past annoying. Now I have to pay more to watch loads of commercials, it's just wrong. Fuck the movies.

The rest of the weekend was okay, I got some house cleaning done. Whoo. The place is still a cluttered mess, but there's nothing I can do about it. Gotta learn to work around it or go crazy. I don't wanna go crazy... Not this week anyway.

I'd better get on with my work. I have to finish something before the day is done. Bye for now...

Wow, I guess it could be a lot worse

I feel like such a spoiled American woman after reading this...

Joys of A Muslim Woman

by Nonie Darwish


In the Muslim faith a Muslim man can marry a child as young as 1 year old and have sexual intimacy with this child, consummating the marriage by 9.

The dowry is given to the family in exchange for the woman (who becomes his slave) and for the purchase of the private parts of the woman, to use her as a toy.

Even though a woman is abused she can not obtain a divorce. To prove rape, the woman must have (4) male witnesses. Often after a woman has been raped, she is returned to her family and the family must return the dowry. The family has the right to execute her (an honor killing) to restore the honor of the family. Husbands can
beat their wives 'at will' and he does not have to say why he has beaten her.


The husband is permitted to have (4 wives) and a temporary wife for an hour (prostitute) at his discretion. The Shariah Muslim law controls the private as well as the public life of the woman.

In the West World ( America ) Muslim men are starting to demand Shariah Law so the wife can not obtain a divorce and he can have full and complete control of her. It is amazing and alarming how many of our sisters and daughters attending American Universities are now marrying Muslim men and submitting themselves and their children unsuspectingly to the Shariah law.

By passing this on, enlightened American women may avoid becoming a slave
under Shariah Law. Learn more, read: Cruel and Usual Punishment just released in most bookstores. Ripping the West in Two.

Author and lecturer Nonie Darwish says the goal of radical Islamists is to impose Shariah law on the world, ripping Western law an and liberty in two. She recently authored the book, Cruel and Usual Punishment: The Terrifying Global Implications of Islamic Law.

Darwish was born in Cairo and spent her childhood in Egypt and Gaza before emigrating to America in 1978, When she was eight years old, her father died while leading covert attacks on Israel . He was a high- ranking Egyptian military officer stationed with his family in Gaza.

When he died, he was considered a "shahid," a martyr for jihad. His posthumous status earned Nonie and her family an elevated position in Muslim society.

But Darwish developed a skeptical eye at an early age. She questioned her own Muslim culture and upbringing. She e converted to Christianity after hearing a Christian preacher on television. In her latest book, Darwish warns about creeping sharia law -that it is, what it means, and how it is manifested in Islamic countries.

For the West, she says radical Islamists are working to impose sharia on the world. If that happens, Western civilization will be destroyed. In twenty years there will be enough Muslim voters in the U.S. to elect the President!

NN-N-O-O-OO-O-OOOooo!!!

How frightening ignorance can be. Imagine America being in such a position as to be taken over by these horribly backwards beliefs. It's good to pull one's head out of one's own ass occasionally and think about what others have and are going through. It both amazes and boggles my mind that there are beliefs and practices like this that are still at work in the world.