The last time I felt good

That last post is the last time I felt good.  I stopped taking my anti-anxiety/depression pills in April, thinking I could do without them.  I was WRONG.  Things started to really decline in August and have gotten worse and worse.  I have an appointment with the psychiatrist on Thursday.

My marriage is doing okay, but we've really had our ups and downs.  Work is also okay, but is very stressful and exhausting.  Just keeps getting busier and busier, which is good but so very draining.  I still don't make enough money.  Even my pets are stressing me out.  The new bird I got doesn't get along with one of the others and it's such a pain in the ass to let them out.  It used to be fun.  The salt tank is not as perfect as it was before, I can't clean it every week like I used to.  The cats are doing okay, but Stan had to go to the vet to get more teeth out again and it was very expensive.

All I can seem to do is think negative negative negative.  I am tired all the time.  I've managed to keep up a little exercising, but it is terribly hard.  I can't stop feeling sorry for myself and thinking I'm a failure.  I know I'll get through it.  I must for my husband, friends and family...  I just feel so alone.

Hoping the pills will help get rid of this pit in my stomach so I can get a little spirit back and start making the changes I keep putting off. 

I can't dance for shit...

...But I'm glad I tried a Zumba class with my friend Cathy yesterday.  I was in the mood for something different because I have become so burnt out with jogging.  What a fun time!  I was about 20 mintues late so I didn't get the impact of a full hour, but it was so fun to just jump around all spastic-like with my uncoordinated ass.  I feel a little sore today, such a nice feeling that I haven't had in quite a while.  It's the feeling of muscles I forgot I had.  I do believe I will be going to the class again tomorrow.  It's probably not something I'm going to do all the time because it's a little far away and in a somewhat crappy part of town.  I needed to try something different and it helped.  Maybe I'll find a local class soon.


In other exciting news...  I finally got a new-ER car!  After driving my faithful 1994 Honda Accord for 14 years, I am now the proud owner of (well, when I pay it off) a lovely 2001 Honda Accord.  Yea...  I like the Hondas.  Ron found it for me online a few weeks ago.  It is so fun to drive!  I still have the old girl, affectionately named 'Scratch' due to all of her boo-boos, because I just can't give her up.  We had a new engine put in about 4 years ago and she is otherwise in good shape so we figured it would be good to keep her as backup.


As the summer months come on, work has become crazy.  It's a great thing, but I am so tired of working full time already.  I wanted it so badly and now I'm burnt out.  I wish we could afford for me to work part time but that ain't gonna happen for a long time.  Probably never, since Ron was out of work for a long time and we want to save up to buy a house sometime before 2020.  If I were on my own I would probaby just live in an apartment forever.  Houses make me nervous.  Heh...  What doesn't?  Plus, I'd like to possibly retire.  It looks like I'm going to be working until I drop dead at this point.  Yay. 


Well that's it for now.  Just thought I'd scribble on here a bit for my lunch break.  Back to work for me!

Blogger has changed... And so has the season!

Time is going by too quickly.  In two days I will be 35.  Fuck.  The year is almost half over.  I know I mention this in most of the few posts I've written lately but...  Fuck...  Time is flying.  Ron and I have already been married for 5 years.  Shit!

Other than the fact that time seems to be dragging me through life at lightening speed, there is not much else going on.  I'm just living and trying to enjoy life.  Still trying to exercise regularly, still eating and drinking too much, still have pets...  Still have a JOB.  The same one, too.  In' 'nat somethin'?  I'm working full time and it's pretty busy most days.  I don't have the time (there's that word again) to write here during the day like I used to.

I am happy for the most part.  Still have my down days, but it's been like that since I can remember.  As part of my 'therapy', I try to catch myself when I'm thinking negatively in order to replace those awful thoughts with good ones.  Works sometimes...

The thing that's bothering me the most lately is that I can't seem to do what I like for money.  It always goes to shit.  I think it is mostly to do with the negative thought processes that cause me to act out and fuck up the situation.  I can't seem to 'enjoy' drawing anymore and it makes me sad.  I so want to be able to sit down, relax, listen to music and doodle like I used to.  It's not happening.  My doodler is clogged.  To look at my notebooks and scheduler at work, you wouldn't be able to tell.  It's better than nothing, I guess. 

I also don't 'enjoy' pet sitting very much anymore.  It's because it turned into most dog walking, which I am not a huge fan of.  Well, I got tired of it anyway.  Especially since I have had unleashed dogs come charging at me and my dogs on more than one occasion.  I had it happen to be twice in one day last month.  It's a good thing I have a loud voice and was able to scare them away by yelling my fool head off.  Bastards.  I don't blame the dogs, of course, but their irresponsible owners,  I will probably continue to try to pet sit here and there, but I can't imagine turning it into a business.  BLEH...

The last pet gig I had with the old lady ended a little badly.  I've explained the situation so many times though, I am tired of talking about it.  Turns out this woman needed a whole lot more from me than I was able to give her.  I should have asked her in the beginning how long she expected me to walk her dogs for her.  She paid me well and was very generous.  She would give me food, pet toys, and all sorts of other little things.  She was very nice.  TOO nice.  She was also very depressed and had hoarding tendencies.  One day I was overwhelmed with work and life in general.  I shouldn't have tried to walk her dogs that day, as she noticed my distress and told me I didn't have to help her anymore in the most guilt-grinding way.  I decided it was best for me not to continue working for her.

So for the most part, I continue to fight the general melancholy, but it hasn't taken over.  My boss just walked in so I need to get back to work. 

Later...  Maybe not much later.  We'll see...

 

That last post...

I had been trying to post forEVER, but there was something wrong with the java shit on this computer.

Work and life have been so busy that I haven't had much time at all to devote to blogging. I've kind of gotten out of it, obviously. But I still like to come by and post a little something here and there.

Here is a quick list of things that have gone on in the last few months.

~I am THRILLED that we are through the holidays. I was not in the mood for them at all this year. Once again I didn't even decorate. We got through them and they were okay.

~Still snowboarding here and there, but not as much. Plus, this is a shitty winter. Glad I didn't buy a season pass. Still learning and getting better and better though. Slow and steady!

~Ron is still out of work but joined the union and is hoping to be working by spring. *crossing figners, toes and everything else.

~My job is going fine and I am busy full time.

~I have a new pet sitting/dog walking gig for a very sweet older woman with hip problems. I am helping her out a lot by walking her 3 dogs 3 times a week. She is paying me nicely, too. I really enjoy helping her though, and would do it for free, but a little extra cash is always nice. My friend Lucy referred me to her and I am so grateful.

~The pets are okay, but we had a loss last week. Punkin' the lovie suddenly passed. We think it was an anuerysm due to head trauma he suffered a few years ago. Very sad and we miss him a lot. Going to look into rescuing another male when the time is right. I love having a nice flock for Pickles lovie to enjoy.

~A good long distance friend of mine killed herself in early January. I had actually met her on the internet. We talked and wrote to each other a lot. I had never developed such a great relationship with someone I met on the internet. We connected. She was an awesome and very interesting person. I am very sad that she was in so much pain and that she is gone. I am also angry at her for being so selfish. I miss you, damnit!

~Speaking of friends, many of mine seem to be changing. I am losing contact with a few. I have given up on those who can't take the time to contact me. I am tired of always being the one making the effort. Goodbye, assholes.

~I still can't find creativity... I am not in the mood. But I doodle here and there so that's better than nothing I guess.

That's about all for now. I need to work. Just thought I'd take my lunch time to scribble some here.