I managed to make something

Here is the company Christmas card. Isn't that lovely? Every year I have to make one and this year was very difficult. But I managed. I'm not too thrilled with it but it's okay. I didn't want to spend too much time on it. Those are the same clouds I used in another picture I did a while back. I'm glad I kept that file because they were perfect for this.

Oh yes, I actually do have something somewhat exciting to report! I think I've figured out a way to make some extra money during this very difficult time. I'm going to start a pet sitting business. It's probably going to start with mostly dogs and cats but I'm eventually going to concentrate on exotics. Birds, fish tanks (salt n' fresh), reptiles, bugs, rats, mice, sugargliders, skunks, alligators... Whatever the hell people have 'cause I ain't afraid a nuthin'! I figure that if I want to get back into the pet industry that this is the best way to do it.

I haven't done any Christmas shopping at all. I just wish we could celebrate without all the cards, decorations and overall trash that this season produces. I'm so tired of trying to figure out what the fuck to get everyone. I guess it helps to have a better attitude, yea? Heh...

Speaking of gifts, I have a friend whose birthday is right around Christmas. She's always been a popular people pleaser so she's got many friends. Anyway, I received her Christmas/birthday 'wishlist' by email the other day. Handbags, accessories, gift cards, spa visits... It must be nice to have so many friends and family to expect this shit from. I guess that's why she runs herself ragged doing things with and for others. She's a very nice person, but a big drama queen who is constantly busy busy busy busy. Wanna hang out with her? Better make plans at least a week ahead of time. She also loves to be the center of attention. Every year there's a surprise party or a trip to Disneyland for the birthday. Then I get this list. I can't help but feel pretty damn insulted, but maybe that's just me. I mean, who the fuck does she think she is? A fucking celebrity?!

I guess I'm actually kind of irritated with her. We can never just have an impromptu hang out. She's always got somewhere to be, someone to visit, errands to run... Last night we finally saw each other. It had been several months. I'm glad she invited our other mutual friend because I thought it was just going to be the three of us and of course it wasn't. She had arranged to get together with some other friends from some job she had a few years ago. So we met up at some nasty dive bar and after three drinks and an hour of them talking about work and pretty much ignoring us, I'd had it and left. Mutual friend left about 20 minutes later, I found out, because they just kept talking about work. This friend has a tendancy to be rude like that. I don't think I'm gonna see her for a while. She doesn't have the time, anyway.

Well, I'm at work again and I need to concentrate. I'll be back next week...maybe before Christmas. Woop.

Later!

When are the Hellidays gonna be OVER?

Only two more weeks of this shit and we can get back to normal. I haven't even done any shopping yet. It's hard to think about shopping when my hours are going to be cut in half again come January. Not only that, my actual pay will be cut also. I suppose I deserve it for staying at this shitty job for so long and not having the courage or confidence to leave and try something else. I have a horrible work ethic and I really don't know what to do. I don't WANNA work, but I have to.

Everything is okay at home still. Trying to actually work on things instead of cry about how horrible it all is.

In other news, I continue to play stupid Fakebook games. That's about it. I have to get out of here now and go get my damn Christmas cards. Most people on my list are just getting a card. I've told them the same. No gifts, please! I'm so tired of the season mainly because of all the lame consumerism. It's bullshit and I won't deal with it. The end... For now...

Just LOOK at it!

Thank you to my lovely internet friend for this. You know who you are... I love it and had to send it to all my friends, especially my birdy friends. Look at that adorably detailed teeny tiny kitchen! AAA!!! I love miniatures and would love to collect some...if I had the room.

So yea, I'm still alive. I'm ashamed to admit that this place has taken a backseat to the mindless games on Fakebook. Well, they're just the current internet sensation to help me pass the day. Stupid time-wasters like 'Farmville', 'Fish World' and 'Cafe World' distract me from reality as well as provide me with pointless goals that make me feel productive. They actually have helped make me more productive at work, as they help me set a sort of schedule.

It goes kinda like this... Start task/project, check on farm, finish task, check on fish tank, go back to project put off last week, check cafe, do a little of project and put off again to check on fish tank. I know it's bad, but my productivity really isn't affected too much. I need something to distract myself with during the day or I'll go crazy. Lately it's been the stupid games because they keep me from thinking too much.

I've actually laid off going to that childfree site I used to frequent because it's one of the things that puts a negative spin on my thinking. I mean, it's okay to visit and let off steam, but I really don't want to think about it so much anymore. Especially THAT shit. So I don't want kids. So the fuck what. I have to turn it into a more positive thing and not make such a big deal about it. All it does is make me look insecure and angry and I want to get rid of those feelings. Well, I know I'll never be completely rid of them (maybe the insecurity if I'm lucky) but it does help to back off a bit.

Well tomorrow is another visit with the counselor with Ron. This will help decide our next course of action. Things have been okay and we're both in 'trying' mode again. I've also got plans in case things don't work. I've got alternatives, I just don't feel all the way ready to pick up and go right now. I'm scared, of course, but I cannot take one more fight like the one we had a few weeks ago. It's way too emotionally taxing. I'm just trying to keep myself together and be calm. But I'm not doing enough to help my depression. I guess I have to want to help myself rather than continue to feel bad. I wish I could dig this black spot out of my chest. For now I have to chip away at it the best I can by telling myself it's gonna be okay. It's not that bad...

Morningview

Gee whiz, could Incubus' album "Morningview" possibly be about the process of breaking up? Every song touched a nerve this morning as I listened to it while driving to work. Especially "Mexico"...

"You could see me reaching
So why couldn't you have
Met me halfway
You could see me bleeding
But you could not put
Pressure on the wound

You only think about yourself
You only think about yourself
You'd better bend before I go
On the first train to Mexico

You could see me breathing
But you still kept
Your hand over my mouth
You could feel me seething
But you just turned
Your nose up in the air

You only think about yourself
You only think about yourself
You'd better bend before I go
On the first train to Mexico

You only think about yourself
You only think about yourself
You'd better bend before I go
On the first train to Mexico"

Yea, still struggling with shit on the brain. Trying to figure out what to do next. Trying to get the nerve to help myself. It will happen. There is hope.

Would you like to see a true example of the resentment and frustration that has built up inside? It's a beautiful email I wrote to a friend this morning. Warning, my language is quite 'flowery'...

"Happy Wednesday to ya. I hope you're okay today. I'm at work today and have tomorrow off. I need to spill a coupla things to ya.

First thing...Ron broke the bottom drawer on the plastic storage 'dresser' thingie I have in the closet. He said he'd replace it, no problem. That was like five months ago. I found out this morning that what he actually meant was that I was supposed to buy it and he'd pay me for it.

This morning he asked about it, as he was doing his laundry and saw the broken thing, repeating that he had to 'replace' it. I told him he could probably get one at the CVS or Target. He then said that he thought I was going to do it.

Am I crazy/selfish/rude/lazy to expect him to get his lazy fucking ass to the store and replace it for me? For fucks sake? Since HE fucking broke it?! What kind of goddamn motherfucking husband is he?? He KNOWS I hate to shop! What the FUCK?! So yea, I get this attitude from him as I calmly ask if he could please just replace it, as in GO TO THE GODDAMN FUCKING STORE AND GET ONE. IS THAT TOO FUCKING MUCH TO ASK?!"

Ahem.

That wasn't the whole email, just the fun part. This is not going to work, folks. This is not respect.

And this is where you say, "We know, WE KNOW. WHEN are you going to DO something about it?"

When I get the courage.

Perseverence in the Face of Danger

Thank you all for your kind words. As always, I appreciate them so much. I'm glad I write out these feelings when they come on. It's good for me to see the repetitiveness of these nasty thoughts in writing. It makes me want to continue trying to help myself.

I had a good visit with the therapist yesterday and I've got some decisions I need to make. There's no rush though. I'm not going to overwhelm myself with worry right now. As usual I am going to take it day by day and tell myself it's all going to work out fine.

Now I have to finish this day at work. It will be over soon and it's time for Pilates with the coworkers. Yay!

Oh yea...and Happy Halloween. We're not doing anything, really. Just going to spend the day away from the house. Maybe catch a movie or two, check out a museum, go to dinner. Should be a nice weekend.

Later!

R.I.P Rosie spider

My seven year old tarantula, Rosie, died over the weekend. She was looking a little tired the past few months and not eating all of her crickets so I had a feeling she was either going to shed or die. I know it's just a bug, but she was very sweet for a big, hairy spider. We buried her in the planter downstairs from our apartment...said a few words and everything. We're going to miss her.

Well, it was a good weekend. Ron actually got up on Saturday and HELPED ME CLEAN. Yes, he didn't want yet another Sunday to be ruined by my stressing out over cleaning so he decided to start helping me on Saturday mornings so we can get it overwith and enjoy the rest of the weekend. It worked out nicely.

Other than that, I'm just trying to keep my mind out of this turmoil. You're so right, witty, I am still not completely hopeless. I have to try my best to relax, like I keep telling myself. Going to see the therapist on Thursday and he's told me to do the old pros and cons list, which I'm going to start working on tonight.

Oh yea...and work... It's slowed waaayyy down again and I'm afraid we'll be going on part time hours again. I suppose that's okay. I don't care. We'll see what happens. For now I'm just going to continue to do my job and get through the day again. I really hate Mondays.

No, it's not okay

"Sometimes you really don't, really don't, REALLY DON'T know what I mean..."

Right when I say I'm not gonna write. Here I am! Well, I feel like I've got to get this out and it feels better to do it digitally. It's also faster this way.

Things continue to be bad in my marriage. Denial has been rearing its ugly head for so long that it's beginning to trick me into thinking everything is okay. I know, deep down in my soul, that things ARE NOT OKAY. I AM NOT OKAY. The feeling that I'm circling the bowl is not normal. I am not supposed to be this uptight, this worried, this UNHAPPY in a marriage.

For the longest time now, we have lived as separate entities. He works at night and comes home late when I'm already in bed. I wake up early and leave while he's still sleeping. The weekends are a little different. We sleep in late, go out to eat breakfast, run errands, come home with a couple of movies and drink the night away. Sunday is more of the same, except I'm in the dreaded 'cleaning for the week' mood. Gotta get a few things done, the vacuuming, dusting, cleaning the bathroom, laundry. This disturbs the hell out of Ron, as he's trying to watch football. We've had the same argument over and over. He doesn't help me clean so I can get it done faster, no... He just complains and asks why I can't do it during the week. Sometimes the argument disintegrates into a fight. I end up crying hysterically. He gets angry and either leaves or ignores me. I continue with chores, maybe drink a little. He also starts to drink, to relax and comes around to comfort me.

He tells me everything is fine, everything is going to be okay. But it's not...

The reality is that we just don't understand each other. Sure, we share some similarities, that's the reason we got together in the first place. But those few likenesses are NOT enough to sustain a marriage. We were raised with completely different morals. Our families, friends and experiences have made us into who we are. Ron doesn't understand this, he doesn't take these things into account because they don't matter to him. I can't seem to explain it to him in the right way without him taking what I'm saying and twisting it with his own scewed ideals. An obvious problem is that he's never seen what a healthy marriage is supposed to be. Never. How can I expect him to understand?

The unhealthy pattern is taking hold. Something has GOT to change. One of us is not happy and that is one too many. Actually, he is really not happy either. I don't think he knows how to be. If it continues this way it is just going to get worse and worse, until I finally lose my mind. I've already lost so much of my hard earned self esteem.

So what is it going to take? I think a separation will help us. Naturally I'm scared to death and it may take a little while before I stop sitting on these here laurels...but the feeling is there. I can't go on like this on a permanent basis.

It's all in my mind

My self esteem is in the shitter. I caught myself having the usual bad thoughts again this morning. They usually go something like this:

~I'll never amount to anything
~I'm tired of life and don't have motivation to do anything about it.
~Why can't I get myself out of this downward spiral?
~I'll never amount to anything.
~My time has passed, I'm just going to get older and uglier from here on out.
~What am I waiting for? Fear and laziness hold me back.
~I'll never amount to anything.
~I can't continue this way or it'll just get worse and worse.
~It's too hard to change, I can't do it right now.
~I'll never amount to anything.
~I am weak.
~I am stupid.
~I am worthless.
~I want to get out of here but I don't know how, I'm stuck and it's my own fault.
~Everything worth doing is hard.
~I'm scared.
~I'll never amount to anything.

The power of these thoughts is all encompassing. The tools that will help me conquer this beast are right here, I just don't know how to use them. You know, I'm beginning to think I like this stupid struggle that I'm putting myself through... I wish I could stop. I feel so weak and pathetic.

That's all for now. I have to get through the day now.

A respite

In case you haven't noticed, I'm taking a break from blogging. I'll be back...not sure when. I might even move to a different site. I don't know. Life is going okay and I'm trying to keep myself out of trouble. I'm also continuing to write my feelings on paper and it helps. I just don't feel like sharing my shit on here lately is all. That's it for now. Later...

Just as I suspected...

As usual, I have forgiven Melanie, even though she didn't even know I was mad. Heh... Well, she invited me over for artichokes so I think she might have had an idea. But the reason for her odd behavior last week is indeed rooted in the turmoil she is experiencing lately. All the things she had started to build are crumbling down around her. First off, she lost her well-paying job last month and is now home and unemployed. Second, she has finally decided once and for all (I hope, I reeeally reeeally hope) to leave that pile of weird she's been dating and living with for the past 3 + years. He refuses to move to the next level and get married and have a family, which is what Melanie has always pictured herself doing. He also refuses to try to compromise and barely even talks to her. Every time she tries to bring it up it's, "Not now, this is not the right time." But she doesn't want to have to force him so she's given up. They're not in love anymore and just tolerate each other. Poor thing... Now she has the complicated task of finding a new place to live and moving out of a house that she'd been settling in.

The reason she'd said she was tired and just left that evening is because she hadn't slept in two days. She apologized for being such an airhead as to think she could actually exercise in that condition. I can't hold a grudge because I feel terrible for her. That pussy she lives with has done nothing but dissapoint her and now she has to start all over again. The good news is that she received plenty of severence pay from work and has enough to do some fun things for herself for a while. She's leaving next week for France to stay with her cousin for a month. She might even stay there for 6 months if her cousin doesn't decide to move to Cali, then they might get a place together. So she's got a bit of a plan in the works, which is great. I wish her luck and will help her during this very difficult time. She may be somewhat flakey, but she's really helped me in the past.

Who knows? She'll probably meet someone else, have a whirlwind romance and be pregnant by next year! Ugh... That'd be the first of my close friends to do such a thing, but if it's what she wants I have no choice but to be supportive. Besides, it'll be cool to be the weird/fun "auntie" to my good friend's kids. I think...

The whole thing makes me all the more glad I'm not chasing the same old life that everyone else seems to be. I found out last night that Melanie really does want the baby on her hip, dinner in the oven, laundry all over the house life. I just sat there and told her how much of the opposite I am. Then I sympathized with her because I feel very badly for her. I want her to be happy and I hope she finds it soon.

Enough about Melanie... How am I doing? Just fine, actually! I'm continuing to not overthink things. I'm also recognizing the triggers that start Ron and I fighting and at least half was me. Bitchy, angry 'ol me. I discovered that I've been so angry past months that it's ruining me. I've also discovered, once again, that meds work wonders when you remember to take them every day!

Alright, it's time to finish up and get outta here for my jog. Bye bye...

Not even a phone call

Okay, I really love my friend Melanie. Most of the time I understand what motivates her to do the things she does, just as she usually understands my motives. The events of the past couple of days, however, have hurt my feelings. I totally understand that she can be flakey, as can I, especially when we're going through the depressies. But shit, when we make tentative plans and she's gonna flake, she doesn't even bother to call.

Since Melanie is out of work at the moment and doesn't get home as late as she used to, we've been trying to get together for bike rides more often. On Wednesday we agreed to meet at my house at 5:30. It's a given that Melanie is always at least 15 - 30 minutes late so I didn't expect her there until sixish. I get home around 5:40 and call her again (I'd left a message on her home phone when I left work, her cell was off) and she tells me she's getting ready to leave. Okay, so it'll be about 20 or 30 more minutes...mind you, she's only 10 - 15 minutes away. I get my workout clothes on, do a few stretches and then sit in front of the t.v. to wait. For some reason I was watching that Tyler Somebody or Other meets the Browns. Ugh! What a fucking LAMEASS, horribly written, unbelieveably predictable poor excuse for a sitcom! But I sometimes like to watch this shit, just to piss myself off. And I wonder why I have issues... So 6:30 comes and goes, I'm thinking the usual, "Where the hell IS she??" and I try her cell to see if she's on the way. It's still off. No one answers the home phone so she must be on the way. By 6:50 I've had it. I want to get my exercising overwith. I hate working out late because it fucks my whole evening up. So I decide to grab the bike and do a few circles around the block while waiting because she's obviously on her way.

After one trip around the block I come around the corner to see her getting out of her truck. By this time it's probably a bit after 7. An HOUR AND A HALF past the time we'd originally agreed to meet. I say in a partially irritated, partially joking manner as I'm riding up, "I was beginning to think you rode your bike here. What happened?! I mean, an HOUR AND A HALF?!" She replies that she simply, "took her sweet-ass time", which is her M.O. but still, I ask (while smiling to lighten it up), "Not even a PHONE CALL?", to which she answers, "Oh well, you can go then, I'm just gonna go home. I ask why, what's wrong and say I don't understand why she wants to go after loading her bike up and driving all the way over. She says it's no problem, she's just tired and doesn't feel like going after all. Ooookay... We agreed to try again the next day (yesterday) and she asked me to give her a call again when I'm on my way home. Then I take off and get my damn exercise done. Alone. In the dark. Yay.

I call her after work yesterday and it's the same thing... Voicemail. Her phone is off. I leave a message on her home phone asking if she's still up for a ride, telling her it's okay if she's not, just gimme a call on my cell. There's no return call in the next 20 minutes as I head over to the fish store to get some tank stuff. While I'm at the fish store I decide to get another rock to add to my structure. I figure I may as well work on the tank because she's most likely going to flake. I get home by 6:20 and still no phone call to say that she won't make it. She just completely brushed me off. Isn't that nice?

After pissing and moaning about this to Ron and the walls, I realize that it's my good old passive aggressive nature that's made me the doormat again. Melanie knows she can brush me off and I won't do a thing. Why should I though? It's really not worth it to me... Well, it wasn't... Now I'm getting tired of it. She never returns phone calls and flakes on plans a whole helluva lot. But I'm not in much of a position to harp on her because I've been flakey, too. At least I CALL though. Ugh... Whatever. It's been two days of being pissy over this. It doesn't feel good to be brushed off. Good old Julie, she'll always be there if I don't have anything better to do. *HMPH* Fuck that. I'm gonna do it again, just not call her or give a shit. She'll come around when she does. It's really not a big deal I guess.

Wouldn't it be HEALTHY to think this way?

The noble mind wishing to benefit others is extremely fruitful. It is the principal source of happiness, courage,and success in life. When our minds are full of suspicion and ill will, we automatically feel that others think badly of us. These negative feelings colour all our relations with our fellow human beings. More often than not they lead to unhappiness. -The Dalai Lama



A common thought, as taken from a post on Fakebook. Don't go coloring your relations with negative thoughts now! That will ruin EVERything. Too bad this has become such a habit of mine...and many others.



Wow, I'm having a horrible time concentrating today. I'm slowly going through this pile of paid invoices, stamping them and filing them little by little as I do other things... Eat a little from my bowl of soggy cereal, sip the coffee, open a new document, call about a purchase order, check work email, check personal email, back to stamping and filing, prepare payroll, check my reminders, call boss back... Oh hell, I gotta call the boss back. I've also been trying to download pictures from my cell phone but the damn computer can't see the connection. I thought it got the stupid drivers! Ugh!

Okay, enough of a stupid entry for now. Damnit, I always think of so many interesting things to write about while on the way to work in the morning but I just can't get them out. It all disappears the minute I walk through the door. Oh well, I guess I'm not destined to be a writer because content always eludes me. Now I really have to go, the phone is ringing again. Maybe I'll be back with some pics if I can ever figure this damn phone out.

Later!

Medz

I forgot to mention my appointment this morning... It went well and I'm doing the right thing by keeping up the doctor visits and updates on the medication. Everything is going to be juuuuuusstt fiiiiine. Yea.

Yesteryear...Some old MS Paint Art

My dad sent these to me the other day. He found them on our old PC. I must have done these when I was twelve or so. Seeing these again was such a fun trip down memory lane. Ahhh, to be young, carefree and creative...



I love the names I chose for these things. "Kitfat"... Heh. Mkaayyy...



"Dragon Dude". Yes indeedy...



"The doggies", another perfect title for this work.



"Kitty n' things" works well for this one, doncha think?

I hope he finds some of my writings on there as well. In my days of typing practice, I wrote some pretty damn outlandish things. I used to love writing nonsense. Here's a typical example of the insanity,

As I flew through the night on a pin of tinkle, the wind curled into my belly button fuzz making it ripe for the taking.
I swallowed the peas and drank the cube juice as smoke billowed from my nostrils.
Tell the pink toilet that she doesn't need a shitfactor to continue. She can do it all on her pubescense.

Yes. I had the most fun making my brother, friend or whoever I happened to be around during these sudden bursts of crazy, read it back to me while I sat there and giggled like a loon. Such fond memories...

Now it's off to do another day of work and get my ass back to an exercise routine. I'm ashamed to admit the amount of food I ate yesterday during our little football get together. I'll just make it all better by going for a jog today. Maybe that'll get things moving and I can take a nice, cleansing crap when I get home. Wouldn't that be lovely? Bodily functions are a blessing.

Have a nyce day!

BOOO!

Just another quick update for a Friday. I have just been too lazy to write! Another weekend is upon us. Is it September already?? I'm so glad it's football season again, yet I can't believe it's already here. We're hoping to go to a sports bar on Sunday to kick off the season right.

Not much else going on. I'm just living life and continuing to not overthink and let things bug me *ahem* take my meds *cough* *ahem* Yea, seems I kept forgetting to take my pills. For the past three weeks or so I've made it an absolute point to take my pill at the SAME TIME every morning. It's helping...damnit. I'm going in for an eval on Monday so I can finally see an actual psychiatrist again. I always like to keep these things in check. I don't want to lose my mind. That would be bad. Ver' ver' baaaad.

Okay, once again work beckons. Boss isn't here today so I'm slacking a bit. I can't help it!

Trippin's good

In case you haven't noticed, I've continued to have a hard time banging out the entries in here. I'm taking a little break...

My trip to NY to visit Marguerite was wonderful. I didn't take too many pictures, though. I'm not too good at wielding the camera for all those special "moments". But I did get some great shots of Central Park. I'll post some when I get around to it some day. I also got to hang out with Rich and Devin, which was a blast. I took the lovely subway system from Queens to Brooklyn to hang out with the guys on Monday and Tuesday while Marguerite was at work. I really enjoyed those trains, it was so different having freedom without a car. It's amazing how dependent we've become on cars here in L.A.

I find that I really needed this trip, it helped me rearrange my head a little. It helped me realize that my number one concern right now should be learning to relax about life. I've been taking things way too seriously, overthinking them into the ground and sending myself out to that vacant, black sea. It's time to reel it in and stop fishing for blame in those murky depths of despair. I'm paddling back to the clear, blue waters...

Yea.

Meanwhile, the hills near my home are burning like crazy! The weather was so nice and mild when I left last week... I hated coming home to this awful heat wave and huge wildfires everywhere, but I guess it was coming. This is naturally a fuel fire. Not enough rain, but ample time for the underbrush to get nice n' big n' D-R-Y. We've gotten away with murder in terms of the summer weather this year. It's been so nice and mild most days... Anyway, I hope the weather starts to cooperate and they're able to get those wildfires back under control before more homes are lost. I don' lyke it! It's smellies an' yuckies!

Oh yes, and little update on Mickey bird. He's all fine and good healthwise, so I've started to let them all out together. The first day I let him out, the poor guy didn't have his bearings and flew into the ceiling fan, then the window, stunning himself in the process. That's a risk I take letting them be fully flighted... I've been lucky so far. I stroked his little head and put him back in the cage to recover for a bit. I figured I'd call the vet if he wasn't better in a few minutes. He was back to playing with the others within ten minutes. *Whew* After that he learned to maneuver quickly, though. Now he's following the others in circles around the livingroom almost flawlessly.

Well, we've gotten our container of goods in from Europe this week, I'd better get back to it. We've got more back orders to pack and items to count. Joy.

Later!

Mickey's arrival

I have little bit of cute, exciting news on the bird front this past weekend. Well, it's exciting to us bird/animal freaks anyway...



Before we left to grab some lunch on Saturday afternoon, I'd rolled my bird cages out onto the balcony for some sun and fresh air. Punkin' and Pickles the lovebirds have their own big cage and Toby the parrotlet has his own medium cage. I like to put them out every week or so to let them get a change of scenery while I clean the birdy area. This time it was imperative that I clean up some, due to our little ant infestation that morning. We'd gotten the lovely pestering cat awakening from Stanley and Henry that morning...the 7 a.m. whiney meows and jumping on and off the bed. So far the ants had only found the cat food and I wanted to keep it that way.


After lunch we picked up a few movies to watch when we got home. I fell asleep for a nap toward the end of the first movie and woke to Ron excitedly talking about a wild lovebird hanging out on top of Punkin' and Pickles' cage. I groggily walked outside and heard a familiar chirp in the distance. Then I saw him on the apartment roof across the driveway, a normal colored Peachfaced lovebird. It didn't take long for him to fly back over and land on the lovebird cage again. I could tell he'd been someone's pet, as he was pulling on the toys and climbing the cage bars with ease. Ron managed to snap a picture of him just chillin' on the top of the boy's house...







There he is sittin' on his little hauches, all fluffed up and tired.



He'd get very close at times, climbing over Toby's cage, flitting to the balcony railing... I tried to catch him with my hands a few times and that was just a joke. He'd fly, sometimes just out of my reach to other side of the balcony, sometimes across to the apartment roof. All the while Ron was cheering me on, telling me to do 'my birdy thing'. He thought the whole thing was so awesome, a 'wild bird' showing up our birds' calls. I don't think Ron would have let me keep this little guy if I'd have brought him home after I'd found him say, in the yard at work. But being witness to this random event he said enthusiastically, "You can keep him if you can catch him!" It didn't take me long to realize that this bird was just recently someone's pet. It was obvious that although he wasn't hand tame, he was somewhat used to people and the captive environment. I'd say he'd only been free for 24 hours at the most, as we'd never seen him before. Though I wonder if he could have flown a long distance...



Anyway, I did my birdy thing by setting up an extra cage with food, water and toys and placing it on top of the lovebird cage. It has two little doors, one at the top and one on the side. I also put out a little colorful wooden play gym, complete with ladders and bells, right next to the open side door, to further entice him. Then Ron and I watched and waited inside, just behind the door, ready to swing into action as soon as the time was right. Finally, as dusk approached we saw him hop into the cage to eat. I bolted out to close the doors and just like that, we've got a new flock member. We danced around thrilled that we'd saved the poor little guy from almost certain demise. Pet birds, especially the smaller ones, are no challenge to the crows and hawks that are all too common in our area, which is just below the nearby mountains. Of course, if we hear of someone looking for their lost bird we will return him... But somehow I don't think that'll be the case. To most people, it's "just a bird". SO...his name is Mickey. Hehe!



That night he ate and ate and continued to eat when we brought them all into the house a little while later. He's spent most of his time thus far on the highest perch, only coming down to eat. He's still frightened from the ordeal and being in a new place so he hasn't moved much or made any noise. I'm keeping him separated from the others for now, probably for about a month. I need to get him into the vet to be checked for any illness before I can allow him near the rest of the flock. I'll probably do that when I get home from my trip to New York next week...



Which brings me to my other news... I'm going to New York to visit my friend Marguerite! I'm leaving this Friday the 21st and staying until the 26th. Just a short little jaunt, but it'll be very fun. New York is a lovely place to visit and I'm excited to see my friend again. I haven't seen her in almost a year again. I'm also going to try to see my friends Rich and Devin. Devin is the one that Melanie and I went to visit in 2005. He had separated from his boyfriend, Rich, in 2004 when they were living together in California. They happend to be Melanie's ex-boyfriend's roommates and that's how we met them. We became pretty close friends with Devin and then he decided to go on an adventure to teach English in China for a few years. Well, that stint is now over and he's moving back to New York where they are both from. Once again he'll be living with Rich. Obviously they communicated here and there when Devin came for visits. Then Rich moved back to New York and Devin's following. I hope we can at least have dinner... Which reminds me, I need to email Rich and tell 'im I'm coming!



So life goes on... Having a new bird fly into my life is an interesting distraction. I continue to be passive aggressive in the way of my marriage. We're doing okay, but continue to bicker and fight over our communication problems. It's like we're living parallel lives instead of as a team. We're not working together on things, neither is trying...and neither wants to. One of the biggest problems is that I'm not getting the emotional support I need. Ron doesn't seem to understand what I need. He doesn't understand that telling me the way things are, telling me he knows everything, is NOT the way to get through to me. I know I need to do something but I'm terribly afraid and depressed about it. I keep putting it off... I've tried to explain but I guess I'm not doing it right. Then I don't feel like dealing with it so I ignore it.



Shit, I need to get to work again. I always do this... I don't know why I can't write at home. Back to work for me! Bye for now...

Illiteracy taken to a new level

This is an old one that I just recently became aware of. Just goes to show the wonders of the internetz never cease.

As featured on somethingawful.com, a gem from the site, "Yahoo Answers". A question and answer site, it is meant to stimulate the curious mind. Ah, but ends up doing anything than that, thanks to all the weirdos, idiots and time-wasters that clog the lines. All it ends up being is yet another ignorant corner of the net, where mostly teenagers banter in their native stupid text-speak. One beautiful example of illiteracy found on the site was made into a flash cartoon that this particular 'net weirdo needs to stop repeating before she drives her husband nuts. Warning, it loops...

http://www.somethingawful.com/flash/shmorky/babby.swf

I think it made me stupid just watching the thing again, as I could NOT make the damn link work no matter how hard I tried. Well, it wasn't that hard, considering I'm now completely out of coffee time to work on this lame shit. I must go do my job. Damnit.

I'm doing okay... How 'bout some cute pictures?

Yea, I'm still alive. I'm still not in much of the mood to write. These are some of my favorite picutres from recent emails. Notice how the first three are color coordinated. Heh. Have I mentioned how I can't get enough of cute animal pictures? They always make my day, especially when I've been sick.

Yesterday I stayed home from work due to feeling squeamish and having a low grade fever. I figure it's due to the fact that I swallowed a large amount of water while swimming at the beach on Sunday. Mmmmm, yummy. Nothing like a gullet fulla salty poop water. Ugh, it felt bad enough when it happened. I got an unexpected tumble from a large wave and inadvertantly gulped down some of the tasty ocean, much of which felt like it was through my nose. Bwehh... The water actually looked quite clean that day. It was a pretty bluegreen, somewhat clear and I was able to open my eyes underwater to see the bottom. My eyes didn't even sting afterward. I'm very surprised I got sick, but I did and it sucked. At least I got over it pretty quickly. After a few squirty poohs (nice visual, I know) I slept most of the day and by last night I was feeling fine.

Oh yea, this time we went to the beach with my cousin Mark and his son Mason again. We seem to have a love/hate relationship with cousin Mark. I forgot if I mentioned his whole ordeal on here... The fact that he was out of work for 13 years and was supported by his girlfriend, the fact that they suddenly got married a just few months after us, the fact that they just had a baby girl (cousin is 39 and she is 37 or so I think), the fact that they were practically given a house and all new furniture by cousin's in-laws. Though I'm sure the wife bought some of it, she makes pretty decent money and she bought her own big engagement ring.

The girlfriend is nice enough to our faces, but never wants to actually hang out with us. It's weird, she always stays home while we pick up Mark and Mason to do things. Mason actually spends every other weekend with Mark, he lives with mom, the girlfriend Mark knocked up before he met the current wife. Anyway, we enjoyed hanging out with them, but have made a point to kind of let them go a little. Mark never has money, never offers anything...Oh and can't drive, either. So we always have to pick his ass up. That's why we don't do much with them anymore. Believe it or not, it really doesn't have much to do with the baby. Although it doesn't help... Really, given their history, especially Mark's, they are the last people who should be having kids. But I'm trying my best to get over that kind of crap because I'm going to witness countless more people around me, qualified and unqualified, having children. It's not my place to judge them, just so long as they don't judge me for not having them. Hah! Right. But I'm ready for them...

It was funny the other day, I was holding Mark's baby and his wife Trish is like, "I know you don't like kids and all, but you're so good with her..." or some such bullshit. I just smiled and said what I'm probably going to say a million more times in the future, Oh no, I like most kids and babies. Just because I don't want any of my own doesn't mean I don't like them!"

*sigh*

People can be so stupid. I just have to let these things go and quit dwelling... Ah, the story of my life. That's all I have time for at the moment. I have things to get to at work. Some making up to do for yesterday's absence.

More fun from the Onion

This is brilliant!

We Must Preserve The Earth's Dwindling Resources For My Five Children

By Brenda Melford

June 28, 2006

As we move into the 21st century, it is our responsibility to think of the future of the earth—not for ourselves, but for those who will inherit what my husband and I leave behind when we're gone. If we do not join together and do what's best for this, our only planet, there may not be an environment left in which my five children, and their 25 children's 125 children, can grow up and raise large upper-middle-class families of their own. Nothing less than the preservation of my descendents' lifestyle itself is at stake.

Imagine a world devoid of pristine wilderness for my progeny to explore on the weekends in the sport-utility-vehicles of the future, leaving my youngest son, Dylan, with nowhere to blow off steam on off-road adventures. Imagine a world in which my beautiful middle son, Connor, is denied his twice-daily half-hour hot showers because of water shortages. Picture what it would be like for my oldest boy Asher, preparing to start his first semester at Stanford, to have to go without basic amenities such as cable television, satellite radio, central air, or massage chairs, all because of the shortsighted squandering by his parents' generation of our non-renewable energy sources today.

Though it seems like a far-off nightmare, this terrible vision is all too possible. Would you want to live in a world where my five children had to endure such horrible deprivations? I know I wouldn't. If we don't take action now, my daughters Kimmy and Jenna may not be able to blow-dry their hair for 45 minutes to an hour each morning, nor may my future sons-in-law cut their grass atop enormous, diesel-powered riding mowers. In fact, they may not even have lawns—at least not the lush, verdant kind that requires constant watering and pesticide treatment. It's conceivable that one day my five children's spacious yards may be entirely composed of synthetic Astroturf, or—God forbid—those tacky wood chips my sister in Arizona uses.

In a cruel irony, those wood chippings will get more expensive as the world's timber supply continues to shrink. Encroaching urban sprawl has already begun to spoil the view from the porch of our beautiful new summer home on Lake Wakenaka. Sadly, the view from the bay windows of our first summer home, the one we built at our Woodland Acres property six years earlier, has already been ruined by such unchecked development. Must my children grow up in a world where only one of their parents' summer homes is surrounded by the beauty of nature? It's unthinkable, I know, but we must face facts. This is to say nothing of the deleterious impact the destruction of our global ecosystems will have on the wildlife my family enjoys hunting. Biodiversity is crucial to another 100 years of deer-, quail-, duck-, bear-, moose-, bobcat-, and bison-shooting summer recreation for my descendents.

We must take steps immediately to devise safe, alternative energy sources that my future offspring can safely consume. If we don't develop new fuels now, there will be none left for those who issue from my loins to burn and continue to burn for all time. I don't want my 625-odd great-grandchildren to have to wait 20 or 30 precious seconds for their toilets to flush. I don't want their 3,125 children to live in a hellish society where they cannot own their own snowmobiles. And I shudder to think that my 15,625 great-great-great-grandchildren may not be able to have TVs in every room that they can leave on all day and all night. Is it our right to deny my progeny of their gargantuan RVs and motorboats, as well? Of course not.

We cannot, in good conscience, lay such a burden on tomorrow's generations of Melfords. My children are the future. And at the end of the day, isn't it family—my family—that truly matters.

A Sure Sign the World's in the Toilet...or is it just our heads?

So I've been trying to find a psychiatrist in Los Angeles, I need to get these meds adjusted. The anxiety has started to distort my world and is causing me quite a bit of misery. Ron's not having a good time with it, either. In my quest for a prescribing doctor, I've discovered that getting an appointment before next year is like trying to find a pearl earring at the bottom of the ocean. It seems that the majority of Los Angeles area and surrounding counties is on some sort of anti-depressant. I wonder if it's a West Coast thing because there are so many pansy, emotionally sensitive artists living here. We all need a boost in our sagging self esteem during these increasingly difficult times. I'm sure the United States as a whole is dotted with many mentally struggling individuals, hell I've read it on so many blogs! I find it alarming that there are so many people who can't cope without the help of drugs, prescribed or not, myself included. What the fuck is going on?? Is the world really that shitty?

I think it has to do with the fact that emotional disorders are indeed hereditary and are often passed on down the line, unbeknownst to parents. Many just don't think that far ahead. Maybe they think their fantastic and amazing parental skills will somehow erase the generations of mental illness. It's this delusional thinking that's contaminated the gene pool with so many head cases. We are all suffering from some mass Stockholm Syndrome, our captor being our own fucked up minds.

It's time to pick up the phone and try yet another doctor, one I went to about 10 years back. He might be able to squeeze me in by Thanksgiving. He must be patting himself on the back plenty, with all those hundred dollar bills, for getting into his chosen profession. It looks like we're always going to need ourselves a good head shrinker.

It's more phun with photoshop!

Sometimes cute baby pictures need a little help.

BWAH! I know... Juvenile... Speaking of which...

I think the "Towlie Eyes" are a nice touch, don't you? I'm sorry, I just had to...

Beautiful example of your tax dollars at work

I just love The Onion. I always forget about it. Guess it's time to add it to my lil' 'ol sidebar.

This one my me cry I laughed so hard... Oh man, I'm wiping the tears away right now. Ssshit... *whew* Okay, gotta get to work now. Just had to share.

Start July right, with a nice uneven burn

Ron and I finally made it to the beach this past Sunday. It was a great day, 'cept for all of the annoying people of course. It's been a hot week and that sent most of the huge population of Los Angeles to the coast. I wonder what the hoards must have looked like from the sky as they moved in and darkened the edges, peppering the water. We tried to make it an early day, arriving at about 10:30 a.m. It's best to get there as early as possible before every ounce of parking is sucked up. Get there at noon and you're screwed. Next week we plan on getting there by 9 a.m. so as to be out of there by the time the place is overrun.

It was good to get out and exercise tolerance for my fellow human beings. I didn't do toooo bad, but could have done better. I could have saved the loud remarks about all the yuppie clone families pushing huge strollers. Strollers. Strollers, everywhere strollers. And screeching contributions. Then there were the loud teenagers, including the ones shouting to each other over our table while we were trying to have breakfast. I know, eating at a bar and grill at the BEACH, we've gotta expect the entitled local asshole teenagers to be all over the place. This group had to split up because they were too big for the tables. So one group sat at the table to the right of us, one group to the left of us. It would have been okay if they had sorted their shit before they sat down. But no... They had to bellow across our table.

I'd had enough after a couple of exchanges and yelled, "Do you HAVE to shout over our HEADS?! FUuuuck!"

Nothing but blank stares. No 'sorry', no nothing. At least they shut up...for a little while. They were drinking, and like I said, it's way too much to expect at a BAR.

Oh yes, and to the other side of us? A father with three chillun. They were quiet for the most part. I can block out their loud little voices if they're not saying something obnoxious like, "EEEEewwww, I don' LYKE EHGGZ! Youuu ead it! I don' WUH-NUH ead dit!" That was actually last week...

I couldn't help but notice the one little girl, she looked about four, tear open some sugar packets and start to gingerly sprinkle them all over the floor around her chair. It only took dad about two packets to notice and then quietly tell her to stop... To which she responded by tearing open another packet *behind her back* and sprinkling as much as she could back there. I don't think dad noticed at all that time. I had to turn back to Ron before I went over there myself and did what my mom would have done to me. Deliberate disobedience like that made my mom furious. She'd have yanked my arms out and grabbed those sugar packets, then while giving me a good stinging pinch under the chin she'd hiss at my face through clenched teeth, "You stop that RIGHT NOW, you hear me? Don't you DARE disobey me again!"

Ah, but who in the hell wants to get caught disciplining their children these days? It's so...so...uncool. They have to pretend that it doesn't bother them. I guess I have to do that as well. Ron really hates it when I get all bitchy about the kids. Gawd, I'm only 32 and young people are pissing me off so much. If I continue this way, I'll end up isolating myself. That's not good at all. I'm already feeling very lonely, though I'm surrounded by thousands of people. It's called 'crazy' when that starts to happen.

So yea... Uhm... The beach. Yes, the beach was nice because the weather was gorgeous. It was the perfect summer day. We found a spot a little further behind the growing crowd at the water line and laid out our old towels. It wasn't long before we needed to visit the water and we couldn't believe how warm it was. "Warm" in California means it's over 60 degrees. If it hits 69-70 it's like bathwate, that usually doesn't occur until late August. But we were happy not to have to endure the numb feet and legs while trying our best to get used to it. I don't do well with the freezing water anymore and would much rather just skip the swim if it means I won't have a heart attack when a wave crashes over my shoulders.

Sunday was great though... Ron did some boogie boarding while I swam out past the waves to do a few laps back and forth. Then we laid out some before heading back into the water for refreshment. I'm surprised Ron didn't mow down a few kids while he was boarding, I saw a few close calls. I watched one kid ducked under the waves just as Ron zoomed overhead with this look of sheer joy on his face. It was cute. I'm glad I didn't board though, I probably would have shaved some heads and backs.

We'd had enough by about 3:30 and gathered ourselves to go. On the ride home we discovered that during all the people watching, swimming and laying out, we hadn't reapplied the sunblock enough. We're now sporting the blotchy, uneven burned look of stupid tourists. Yes, I was sure to have Ron spray it on my many scary back moles, but didn't get my legs enough. I also didn't get my stomach or the cavernous gap between my boobs. I've even got spray marks, it's beautiful. I guess I'll have to work on evening things out next time. I've also made an appointment at the dermatologist so that I can get those dark back moles taken care of, I'm starting to worry.

Trying to sleep that night with krispy legs was fun. I kept waking myself up every time I moved. The aloe gel was soothing to put on at first, but the discomfort would come when it dried, leaving the skin tight and sticky. Yea, pulling my legs apart when they stuck together was like having my skin peeled off. I'm so thankful for the air conditioning, which we had to leave on that night or we'd have burst into flames. Ahhh...sunburn...brings me back. I can't do this to myself anymore though, it's really not worth it. Not to mention how rediculous it looks.

Next week we're going to make a point to go out again. Maybe I can keep my nasty comments to myself and quit complaining. It's pointless and just makes me all the more miserable. Just let it go of the anger and ignore it. Until next time I let go of the dental floss leash that holds my emotions in "check".

Feeling out of place

I know...more pictures of my cat! What did you expect? Since I seem to be lacking excitment in my life lately, I decided to bring Stanley to work yesterday. My boss is on vacation so my animal loving coworker and I decided to have another pet day. That's lovley coworker posing with him, she's such a sweetie. I love that she adores animals as much as I do. She has a dog and a rabbit at home.

The last time I brought Stan to work with me was about five years ago, when my ex-boss was out of town on business and I was left alone at the office for a few weeks. When Stanley was a teenaged kitty, he had much more energy and curiosity so he seemed to enjoy exploring the large office building. Well, he'll be nine years old this coming October so he's becoming an old hair man... He's entering the old homebody stage, set in his ways. He felt nervous and out of place all day, didn't touch his food or water until I brought it over to his comfort spot under my desk, where he spent the majority of the day. I did bring him to the upstairs office once to see what he'd do, but he just cowered under the main desk, in between all the wires and crap. The server happens to be under that desk so I had to get him out of there...cat hair in the computer system spells future disaster for sure.

No more outings for kitty, unless he has no choice... He's okay with being indoors most of the time. I do let them outside on the weekends occasionally, but they rarely spend too much time out there. They're usually back inside napping after only about an hour.

So what else is new in my boring life? Well, I must say I happen to be feeling a little out of place with my friends. More like one friend, really... Okay, so I've been avoiding Fakebook, right? I've been trying anyway. I go to visit the few friends I like on there and that's been it. Maybe play a few games or take some stupid quizzes, not too much. I try to avoid looking at things that might upset my rediculously delicate feelings. This morning I saw it again. More pictures from that Liza chick showing the 4th of July 'celebration'. Normally, this wouldn't bother me, except for the fact that once again my 'best' friend Melanie was in them. Yea... The one I emailed and called on Friday to see what they were doing for the 4th. The one who didn't return my call all weekend, then returned my email on Monday apologizing for not calling me back, adding that she'd spent the weekend not doing much but sunning herself. I know, get over it right? So what if Melanie wants to hang out with 'the gang'. I'm not invited anymore. All those 'mutual friends' I thought Melanie and I had are really just friends with Melanie. They don't give a flying shit about me.

I realize Melanie is not in a good place in her life right now. The poor thing is losing her job in less than a month (she's known she was laid off for five months now), she's living with a boyfriend who is very difficult (we're going through very similiar relationship issues, actually, 'sept he won't marry her) and she's just had a shitty year altogether and is burnt the hell out. I can't help but wonder if I'm just a reminder of bad times to her. I wonder if that's the reason she seems to be avoiding me... Not returning my calls or emails for days and such. Really, I'm not contacting her a lot at all. I'm totally giving her space and respect that she's got a lot going on. I just can't help but feel a little hurt. I guess I'm too much of a jealous person. What is the point? Should I even bother mentioning this to her? I wonder if I'll just throw it out there next time we get together, if it's not too far into the future... "SOooo, what'd you guys end up doin' on the 4th?" She'll probably tell me they went to a party.

It's not a big deal, I know. I just feel so disconnected from everything lately. I guess I could try to get off my ass and contact people...they just seem to be moving on with their lives without me. I should get used to it. That's how life works. It's happened to me before, friends come and go, sometimes it's the same people. You'll disconnect for years and then something brings you together.

Hell, it's time to get back to my work. I need to concentrate on my tasks and stop worrying endlessly.

Oh yea, one other thing... Chris, if you happen to be reading this, could you please give me a password to your page? Thanks...

Later.