Perseverence in the Face of Danger

Thank you all for your kind words. As always, I appreciate them so much. I'm glad I write out these feelings when they come on. It's good for me to see the repetitiveness of these nasty thoughts in writing. It makes me want to continue trying to help myself.

I had a good visit with the therapist yesterday and I've got some decisions I need to make. There's no rush though. I'm not going to overwhelm myself with worry right now. As usual I am going to take it day by day and tell myself it's all going to work out fine.

Now I have to finish this day at work. It will be over soon and it's time for Pilates with the coworkers. Yay!

Oh yea...and Happy Halloween. We're not doing anything, really. Just going to spend the day away from the house. Maybe catch a movie or two, check out a museum, go to dinner. Should be a nice weekend.

Later!

R.I.P Rosie spider

My seven year old tarantula, Rosie, died over the weekend. She was looking a little tired the past few months and not eating all of her crickets so I had a feeling she was either going to shed or die. I know it's just a bug, but she was very sweet for a big, hairy spider. We buried her in the planter downstairs from our apartment...said a few words and everything. We're going to miss her.

Well, it was a good weekend. Ron actually got up on Saturday and HELPED ME CLEAN. Yes, he didn't want yet another Sunday to be ruined by my stressing out over cleaning so he decided to start helping me on Saturday mornings so we can get it overwith and enjoy the rest of the weekend. It worked out nicely.

Other than that, I'm just trying to keep my mind out of this turmoil. You're so right, witty, I am still not completely hopeless. I have to try my best to relax, like I keep telling myself. Going to see the therapist on Thursday and he's told me to do the old pros and cons list, which I'm going to start working on tonight.

Oh yea...and work... It's slowed waaayyy down again and I'm afraid we'll be going on part time hours again. I suppose that's okay. I don't care. We'll see what happens. For now I'm just going to continue to do my job and get through the day again. I really hate Mondays.

No, it's not okay

"Sometimes you really don't, really don't, REALLY DON'T know what I mean..."

Right when I say I'm not gonna write. Here I am! Well, I feel like I've got to get this out and it feels better to do it digitally. It's also faster this way.

Things continue to be bad in my marriage. Denial has been rearing its ugly head for so long that it's beginning to trick me into thinking everything is okay. I know, deep down in my soul, that things ARE NOT OKAY. I AM NOT OKAY. The feeling that I'm circling the bowl is not normal. I am not supposed to be this uptight, this worried, this UNHAPPY in a marriage.

For the longest time now, we have lived as separate entities. He works at night and comes home late when I'm already in bed. I wake up early and leave while he's still sleeping. The weekends are a little different. We sleep in late, go out to eat breakfast, run errands, come home with a couple of movies and drink the night away. Sunday is more of the same, except I'm in the dreaded 'cleaning for the week' mood. Gotta get a few things done, the vacuuming, dusting, cleaning the bathroom, laundry. This disturbs the hell out of Ron, as he's trying to watch football. We've had the same argument over and over. He doesn't help me clean so I can get it done faster, no... He just complains and asks why I can't do it during the week. Sometimes the argument disintegrates into a fight. I end up crying hysterically. He gets angry and either leaves or ignores me. I continue with chores, maybe drink a little. He also starts to drink, to relax and comes around to comfort me.

He tells me everything is fine, everything is going to be okay. But it's not...

The reality is that we just don't understand each other. Sure, we share some similarities, that's the reason we got together in the first place. But those few likenesses are NOT enough to sustain a marriage. We were raised with completely different morals. Our families, friends and experiences have made us into who we are. Ron doesn't understand this, he doesn't take these things into account because they don't matter to him. I can't seem to explain it to him in the right way without him taking what I'm saying and twisting it with his own scewed ideals. An obvious problem is that he's never seen what a healthy marriage is supposed to be. Never. How can I expect him to understand?

The unhealthy pattern is taking hold. Something has GOT to change. One of us is not happy and that is one too many. Actually, he is really not happy either. I don't think he knows how to be. If it continues this way it is just going to get worse and worse, until I finally lose my mind. I've already lost so much of my hard earned self esteem.

So what is it going to take? I think a separation will help us. Naturally I'm scared to death and it may take a little while before I stop sitting on these here laurels...but the feeling is there. I can't go on like this on a permanent basis.

It's all in my mind

My self esteem is in the shitter. I caught myself having the usual bad thoughts again this morning. They usually go something like this:

~I'll never amount to anything
~I'm tired of life and don't have motivation to do anything about it.
~Why can't I get myself out of this downward spiral?
~I'll never amount to anything.
~My time has passed, I'm just going to get older and uglier from here on out.
~What am I waiting for? Fear and laziness hold me back.
~I'll never amount to anything.
~I can't continue this way or it'll just get worse and worse.
~It's too hard to change, I can't do it right now.
~I'll never amount to anything.
~I am weak.
~I am stupid.
~I am worthless.
~I want to get out of here but I don't know how, I'm stuck and it's my own fault.
~Everything worth doing is hard.
~I'm scared.
~I'll never amount to anything.

The power of these thoughts is all encompassing. The tools that will help me conquer this beast are right here, I just don't know how to use them. You know, I'm beginning to think I like this stupid struggle that I'm putting myself through... I wish I could stop. I feel so weak and pathetic.

That's all for now. I have to get through the day now.

A respite

In case you haven't noticed, I'm taking a break from blogging. I'll be back...not sure when. I might even move to a different site. I don't know. Life is going okay and I'm trying to keep myself out of trouble. I'm also continuing to write my feelings on paper and it helps. I just don't feel like sharing my shit on here lately is all. That's it for now. Later...