I can DO this!

Wish me luck, I have a job interview tomorrow morning. Do you think writing about it here will jinx me? I should quit being so superstitious and believe in myself. I'm trying to replace the fear with confidence. Heh. How am I doing so far? Pfft...

I've been checking out the website and doing my interview homework. This place really looks like a good fit for me. Seriously though...almost ANYTHING is a good fit at this point. I knew my time at this place was finite and I've dragged it out way too long. I'm losing myself here. Day in and day out, the same bullshit. My fucking brain is melting! I cannot sit idly by anymore. I'm going to drive out to the place tonight. I don't care about getting stuck in traffic, I have to know where I'm going tomorrow. I don't need that extra stress. Then when I get home tonight I'll take a hot bath and go to bed. That's what I'ma gon' do. I'm gon' make this shit happen!

Man, the past few months... If it hasn't been my marriage, it's my job. Intense emotions back and forth between the two. I must change something before I go insane. When all is said and done it's about priorities. Gotta concentrate on my job situation, as it will determine my future. No shit, huh. I'm so...perceptive. Anyway, I can't leave a troubled marriage (which it isn't bad right now, really) if I don't have any fucking income. I need my independence. I also have dreams... I want my fucking jungle room, man! In like, a HOUSE and shit. Just a little house...

No big deal if this one doesn't work out. I just need to have the strength and perseverance to KEEP TRYING. Don't be afraid to shine. Okay, it's time to stop because I'm beginning to sound oh so horribly cliche.

Oh yea, I've got a couple pics from Satuday night to share. It was the two girls Cath(iey), me, Ron and a shitload of Cathie's friends and family. It was an actual movie-party. Remember that scene from Weird Science where he's introducing Lisa to his obviously shock stricken parents? They're like, "Where are you two going this evening?" and they simultaneously answer with, "We're going to a ______." and he says "movie" and she says "pah-ty". And he's all, "It's a...a movieparty..." Yea. Hehe. My favorite line from that movie is still the part where Robert Downey is trying to order a drink all cool-like from the coo brutha bartender. I love the answer he gets, "I tell you what, you ben' ovuh, I shove it straight up yo' ASSSsss." And he's answers all nervous, "On the rocks is fine..." HAHAHA! Haha. Hah. My family, friends and Ron are so tired of that one. I do it alla time.

Anyway, that's what we did on Saturday night. Went to see Darkman, Cathie's favorite movie. It is silly, fun movie CHEEZ. She's a total movie lover and frequents the theater for her favorite, Midnight movies! She's such a little night owl still. I had to take a nap in order to make it 'til 3 am. How pathetic is that? Okay, I'm rambling. Here are the pics. I gotta get some shit done.


Me, Ron and Cathy.


Me and the birthday girl, Cathie.

Awww...

M'kay, later...

She cancelled! Yaaay!

She's sick, the poor dear. She's been kinda under the weather all week and the symptoms got worse as the evening came. It used to happen to me... Come to think of it, I haven't had a true cold in a long time. I think it's been a few years at least. I never get sick... *knock on wood* I think it's the regular exercise. It may not be intense, but it is routine and that's probably doing wonders for my immune system. Yea. So I'm thrilled that I don't have to flake outta exercise tonight! Woo! Now I can drink wine, eat a yummy Gnocchi dinner and follow it with some cHoCoLaTe. Mmmmmm...fanny-head got me some yummies. Thank you, fanny-head.

I'm reading a new diary again. Haven't taken the time to get into one in a while. It makes me feel so much better to know that there are people out there who suffer with the same things I do. Relating to others is a good way to figure out your own shit. What was I just writing about? My fears? Check out this little blurb from my newest read, Bunny Suit:

"I was all set to give my two weeks notice today. I need to just quit, to start working temp jobs and look for a new job online in the other town. But I am so afraid. I think I am trying to get fired by default, so that I don't have to make the decision to leave. My entire family is passive/agressive, so I guess that is the only way that I know to deal w/things.

You know what really sucks? Being crazy and self-actualized at the same time. There is nothing worse than knowing that you're insane, knowing that your lunacy is showing like a hint of white slip sticking out of a virgin's summer dress. Everyone kinda tries not to look, but they really want to, it is their nature. And no matter how the innocent tugs at that dress, trying to cover it, the SLIP STILL SHOWS."

This is EXACTLY how I feel. We anxious depressies have so much in common. Anxiety leads to depression. It's a vicious cycle. And it is genetic. It doesn't manifest itself until later in life...usually AFTER you've bred like you're 'supposed' to. I would hate to inflict this torture on another person. I would hate to watch that person suffer.

As I sit here typing, Pickles and Punkin' have flown over to do their little birdie burbles in my ear. Stanley man has finally decided to curl up on the pillow next to me, instead of trying to lay down on the laptop. I'm so thankful for my pets. They have helped me through some terrible times. A blessed distraction. Oooh, I have a poop distraction to take care of. Time to put on my poop shirt.

The ugly side of me

That last post sure showed it, huh. I'm just working out these issues, I'll get over it. I'm very angry and defensive right now because I've made a choice that isn't common. But I don't have to be angry about it, that's the thing. I'm making it negative when it is really positive...for me. It's the right choice for me. No biggie. I don't have to give in to the urge to yell it from the mountains. I can simply take my path and shut the hell up. Well, I don't have to shut up all the way. It's okay to vent a little of the frustration out.

Work is sucking the juicy ass cheese right now. I don't wanna be there. The dynamic I've created between my boss and I is so unhealthy. She is nice in her own way, but I can't stand her personality anymore. One minute I'm cursing her in the closet and the next I'm kissing her little brown feet. I don't want to hurt her, I just wanna move on now. Why did I have to choose such a horrible time to finally get going and start looking for another job? Whine whine whine. Everyone is going through this right now. I feel so worthless...I know what I have to do and I'm letting fear take over like always! Just believe that it will all work out and it will. Believe in myself and my abilities. This has become a chant...

Don't feel scared
Don't feel crappy
Believe in yourself
And you'll be happy

Yes. That's it.

Melanie's coming over and we were gonna take a walk. I really don't feel like it. I've gone for walks all week. I actually went for a jog or walk Monday through Thursday. I don' WANNA go. But I always do this flaking on the walk thing with her. We don't do exercise together well. We always end up drinking some wine, making dinner, smokin' cigs and talking. We'll see what happens...maybe I should pretend to be asleep when she gets here. Right. I'm such a fluff. I'ma go feed the lil' kiddy katz some whett fooood!

What day is this?

Ahh...  So much to do, so little desire to do anything.  I'm at home today, no temp jobs for me yesterday either.  Although I did get a call about a potential position.  Not gonna talk about it or get my panties in a knot over it, just gonna let things happen.  

This is about the time depression seeps in.  Yesterday I combatted it by going for a long jog and going to a friend's house.  Today doesn't feel so...uhm...productive.  I did get up and make Ron a nice breakfast.  It's been nice seeing each other awake during the week for a change.  Now he's at work and I have nothing but time to do all sorts of things like vacuuming (my favorite!), cleaning out the bedroom closet, going for another long jog/walk (I might bring myself to a little later) and of course, drawing!  Yes, I was feeling so very inspired after my therapist appointment last week.  Where the hell did it go?  I don't even have the urge to doodle.  But here I am, typing away in a pointless blog.  Wait.  This isn't pointless.  Is it?  No...no...  At least I'm doing SOMEthing.

And now for a hilarious, distasteful poem about my favorite subject...

Bulging stomach, stretchy skins
Babies born with dorsal fins
Drunk teens, anal tears
Pregnant women falling down stairs
Your mom is drunk and loose!
Eat my pill or eat my gat
Ill slap you with my golden strap
Filthy sex drunken stupor
should have jazzed in her pooper
Pregnancy is an STD!
Drinkin' Gin and blackin' out
suckin' clit that tastes like trout
Ludes and Acid Triamenic,
rides to the abortion clinic
You were an accident!
I got a cure for this disease,
Say 'kick me in the stomach please'
All you want now is my cash!
Because I slipped a load in your monster gash!
Pregnancy is an STD!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!  Yea.  I know...I have issues.  Heh.

Progress and whatnot

This week is going pretty well, as did last week. I'm looking very forward to my therapist appointment tonight. I figure I'll go a few times a month, Ron is helping me out with the finances. He's also gonna go in for a visit in a few weeks. It's taken so long to get him in because of his schedule, it's gotta be a Saturday and the doctor isn't in on all Saturdays.

So, we've been working on things. He is trying, I can give him that. I need to do my part as well. The therapist is helping me with my response to Ron. I'm trying to do some of that 'cognitive behavioral therapy'. I need to train myself not to freak out all the time, as it's driving Ron nuts and I don't blame him. And of course I've changed since we married...he told me I seemed so confident and happy when he met me. He sees how I've lost that happy go lucky belief in myself. I told him I have because I feel beat down by the world...at work and by him. Of course there's lots more in this tangled web of working things out. Gotta keep on trying it one day at a time. Hey, at least we seem to agree on the kid thing now. He seems to be accepting it, especially after I made it clear to him that it wasn't going to happen anytime soon. He responded that he was too old (39) anyway and didn't want to start this late. I'm happy to hear this however, I still worry about future resentment. I guess we'll just have to see if he likes having a Hot Rod better than a snotnose. That'll probably happen around the time our circle of friends start having teens around, if we make it that long.

Other than that, I'm broke. Ah yes, 25 hours a week sure sucks! To think, I was almost making a decent living on my own. So I have to continue looking for another job, either part time or full, whatever comes along. I've signed up for the old temp agency I used to work for, just as a supplement. I'm going to sign up for another one next week. They can probably get me some interviews for a full time perm position...eventually. But I can't leave it all up to them, gotta put out other feelers. I hate this. I feel like I'm never going to find my place in the working world, that I'm always going to be scraping by in a job I don't like. I'm going to work on that with the therapist, too. I can't do what I need to do in life if I'm always just shy of completely fucking broke.

So I don't feel completely worthless, I finally colored my lovely Dog Poo Cone picture. I think I'm going to enter it in a contest my lovely friend Cathy told me about. Hehehe...lookit...



Yummy! However, I think I might be the only one who would wear that on a t-shirt. Heh...

And here is a great shot of Stanley, taken as he enjoys the new kitty tower.



We got the thing about a month ago and they both love it so much. It's about 8 feet tall. Of course Stanley is king, whenever he is up there Henry has no chance. But whenever Stan is with me on the couch, Henry is up there snoozin'.

Here's a nice shot of me, my nostrils and the birdies just hanging out watchin' tv together.



Ron had to take this shot, he always loves to see me happy with my pets. He thinks it's so cute. In' 'nat lovely? Yea, he does say and do nice things, I tend to concentrate on the bad a lot. Okay, I have to get ready to go for a walk. I need to exercise at least a little.

Later!

Crap, I'm locked out!

Hey, Razorvixen? Uhm...yea, could you email me please? I used to enjoy reading your blog and now when it starts to get interesting I'm locked out. That sucks. What about meeee?? Heh...

In other news, life goes on as usual. I realized that I must have had the world's worst case of PMS last week. I notice this pattern of emotional insanity happens every month. The week before my scheduled...ahem...period... *cough* ...I turn into a psycho. The pit of despair in my gut grows huge, EVERYthing bothers me, I get a HUGE zit on my cheek or chin that involves at least 4 pores, the world seems to be closing in on me... Then old Aunt Flo shows up and I feel much better. I sure hope it gets better now that I've gotten off the pill. Do you think it'll get worse before it gets better? I certainly hope not. Oh, and thanks for the interesting points, makes me feel a little better about being on the thing for so long. I just hope I don't have any problems with this thing and with the fact that there will no longer be hormones pulsing through me. What if I grow a beard? What if my nice curly hair turns to barbed-wire? What if my acne comes back ten fold?! EEEEK!

There I go again, worrying... It's what I do best! Hey, maybe I can get a job as a professional worrier. Just dump your load on my shoulders and I'll worry about it for you! No problem is too small, throw it at me! And, most importantly, pay me big bucks!!!

Nothing much else new. I'm sore as hell today, due to the fact that I haven't exercised in a few weeks again. Thought I'd try to make up for it by cramming it in yesterday and Monday. I did some kick boxing exercises with Melanie on Monday night, lots of fun. Then I went jogging and did some more kick boxing moves yesterday. Today is ouch city. I can't climb down stairs without limping and forget about sitting without falling (sorry toilet seat). I swear, I stretched! Apparently it wasn't nearly enough.

Ah yes, I finally did upload a few pictures from our lovely Tahoe trip. Better late than never!


We always like to start with the pretty view outside our window. In't that nice?


The resort from the front. It was a nice, cozy place as expected.


Just down this short road was the place we were to snow board. Ron went without me, as I mentioned before, too expensive to just fall on my ass all day.

Here are some nice shots from Ron's day on the hill:










It was a looooooooooooong run... Hehehe!


We had a nice hot tub in our room. I made sure to go 'swimming' in it first thing...


The usual shot of me doing my hair.


Being dorks in our room 'cause we can.


We took a hike one day and took this the following lovely shots...






I'm making my very first snow angel with my FULL set of snow clothes! Wow, no soggy undies this time!


Isn't that sumpthin'?


We need this pose in there, of course.


Ron pretending to pee. Nice, honey.


Oh lookies! I'm walkin' in thu snowz!


Had to go to the local pub for a beer after our hike. Yea.


Heh... Yea. It's a perdy place. We shall go back some day soon.

That's it for now!

Closed for Business - TMI but I'm onna write about it anyway...

It's been done, partially anyway. I went in on Friday to have my IUD put in place. A very simple procedure for now. It's supposed to last 10 years, so I'm gonna keep it in 'til I'm ready for a tubal. I got so tired of taking the stupid pill. It's going on 13 years I've been on it and that can't be good for my body. Time to break free from the pill! That lame, irritating commercial comes to mind... You know the one with the synchronized swimmers? "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, every daayyyy..." Not anymore! Yaay! I'm honestly not ready for the big snip yet. Call me chicken. I'm planning on doing it at 35 or so. Before that, I'd really like to get laser surgery on my eyes. Glasses are another thing I'm fed up with.

Other than that, not much else going on...thankfully. Last week was another difficult week, but we made it through. Now I'm just trying to relax because things could be much worse. I'm trying not to worry about work, as my hours are still cut in half. She tried to let us go back to normal for a while, but things just keep slowing down. It's time to start looking for a part time job for now. That's less intimidating than finding another full time one. I don't want to work at another company I don't like.

Back to work... Dammit, I keep forgetting to upload those damn pictures from my other 'puter! I'll get to it. Eventually. For now I'm going to concentrate on having a better week. Later!

HAH!

I remember THIS one!

There once was a woman named Jill
Who tried a dynamite stick for a thrill
They found her vagina
in North Carolina
and bits of her tits in Brazil

Fumbling in the Darkness

Things are okay. Some days are better than others. I can't help but feel I'm making terrible mistakes. I went to my parents house this past weekend, just to get away again. They miss me horribly because I've kind of been pulling away from the family lately. This visit was for my dad's birthday and Ron was purposely uninvited. I think I've gone and told my parents too much. I'm betraying my husband. But he could have come, all he had to do was ask. All he had to do was act interested. Oh, but he thought it would be 'far away' at my parents or brother and SIL. He didn't know he wouldn't have to drive to my family. Instead, he waited until I got home to tell me that he felt bad.

I'm trying, but I'm drowning in a sea of unhappiness with my choice. It's all my fault that I can't talk to my husband. I let it get this way. I gave him the wrong idea. I made him think that who he is is okay with me. It's not. I'm not doing this right at all. Oh wait, I'm seeing a therapist. That's right. And I'm going again tonight. I don't know how I'm gonna afford this, but I need it. I'm still so mad at Ron. We got in another fight this morning because neither of us wants to do what the other wants. This isn't a marriage, this is a fucking joke. Our fight this morning ended with him telling me to 'go ahead and file the papers'. Wow. He doesn't even think I'm trying. But I don't think he is, either. This is rediculous. This is not how it's supposed to be.

The state of my life makes me think of some favorite lyrics...

"Darkness makes me fumble...

...for a key...

...to a door...

That's WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide open!"