Me and my emotions...letting GO

Yesterday was one of those days that was too much for me to tolerate emotionally. After everyone had left work for the day I sat alone at my desk and bawled my eyes out. It was just one of those days...I was feeling sorry for myself. Ron called in the middle of my sniffle session and I couldn't hold back the tears long enough to talk like nothing was wrong. I'm terrible at that. Espcially when I'm in the middle of it. He consoled me over the phone and told me to calm down and come home to relax and tell him all about it. So even though I wasn't done with what I'd intended to do, I got the hell outta the office and drove home. Through my pathetic tears I told him all about Dakota's death, my pap results, feeling like an ass at work (even though everything is fine and I DID get my raise after all) and my lonliness. He just listened, hugged and consoled me some more. We sat down with a couple of beers and talked calmly after my tears stopped. He made me feel so much better and I was finally able to relax. Then I wanted to be alone and he let me be while I went into my room to read. Then I put on my headphones and fell asleep to some tunes. Next thing I knew it was midnight and I had headphones on my neck and cord twisted around my shoulders. But my bottom half was covered with a blanket a la Ron. Sweetie pie.

I basically need to learn not to let people get to me so much. The same thing I ALWAYS basically need to learn. I'm still way too sensitive and worried about what people think of me. Sometimes I try too hard. Sometimes I let people make me feel like I owe them something. I'm too easily minipulated by my own out of whack sense of guilt. Sometimes I'm too genuine and give too much only to be easily taken advantage of. Sometimes I hold back when I shouldn't... What I should do is sit back and not give such a huge shit about it. No one is worth it until they've proved themselves to me. If they don't like me, fuck 'em! I have to STOP WASTING ENERGY ON THESE FUCKS WHO AREN'T WORTH IT!!!

I guess what got me thinking is the fact that I just stopped talking to my ex's best friend. And he made me feel very bad about myself. All we were doing was instant messaging here and there. Not very much at all, mostly while I was at work and needing some social interaction. But I realized that I really needed to completely cut all ties with him, as I am in a somewhat new and serious relationship now and he was a very very short rebound relationship after my ex. I don't need him in my life, why am I still talking to him? It's not right, to me, because there was sex involved and it's ALL OVER. It was over before it started. I always thought of him as a pervert because he was so obsessed with sex. Gross. I sent him the last instant message, telling him that I was sorry but I didn't think we should talk anymore. He was "hurt" and rude to me in return. He thought we were "friends". I don't believe in being friends with men I've had any sort of sexual or emotional relationship with. I know it's not always that black and white, but it's generally a good idea to cut ties with those people, ESPECIALLY when you are in another serious relationship. Unless you were friends for a long time before it got more "complicated", so to speak, I don't really see a reason to carry on. This fellow betrayed his best friend. I rebounded. That's it. It's over. There are plenty of other people out there who ARE worth my time. This was a situation that made me think of how I need to communicate my feelings better and be more confident. Don't let this guy make me feel bad. I don't owe him anything. I need to let it go, let go of the people that I don't feel are good for me. Don't lead them on, don't sugar coat it. It wasn't cool of me to still be friendly to someone who I didn't really want anything to do with anymore. Boredom again...I wanted to instant message with someone at work. Maybe get a little gossip about the ex. In the end I'm glad because I want NOTHING to do with any of that past. Those people should remain in the past. Time to completely let go.