Still lazy

OH yea...and I laid in bed again this morning like a lazy bum when the alarm went off. I was a couple of minutes late for work again. This is bad. Very very very bad. I have to do something about it. Like get the fuck outta bed when the alarm goes off! Let's see what happens Monday, shall we?

Dull afternoon

Okay, another dull Friday afternoon. Waiting for the day to end...so I have to write about it. I'm kinda depressed. I gotta snap out of it. I'm just in another blah-don't-feel-much-like-doing-anything mood. I did my laundry last night like a good girl. Tonight I have to jog. It'll be a short one, but I have to do it because I'm going to go out to eat later with my friend Lisa. I haven't seen her in ages. We have lots to catch up on and we'll most likely do so sitting across from each other at some lovely Italian restaurant.

So I'm here alone. Both the shipping lady and the boss are gone for the weekend. I'm stuck here waiting for the fucking UPS man who comes later and later every damn day. We close at four and have told them this a million times. They were doing better for a time there, but I guess they changed routes again or something because he's getting here after four more often than not. Uck.

When I get outta here I have to go get some crickets for Rosie the tarantula. My weekly trip to the pet store. I have too many damn pets...GAH! I think I need to get rid of my rats though. Poor Ron had another horrible allergic reaction to them last night. He decided to come over again last night, which was a great treat. I was asleep on the couch as usual, but he woke me and we had some fun before going to sleep. But the poor guy's nose was running the entire night. He had to go home in the middle of the night, around 3:30 I think it was, because he just couldn't take it anymore. He couldn't sleep at all. I feel so bad...he keeps telling me it's not my fault. I just HAD to go out and get these damn rats though. They're too much for him during this horrible allergy season. He tells me to wait 'til summer to see if things calm down. I'm at a loss, I don't know what to do. Poor poopie is home sick instead of working tonight, I just found out. I guess I'll be going to his house after my dinner out. I don't care if he has a cold or the flu ('cept for the barfies...HELL NO) I'm going over there to cuddle with him. Okay, time to go call UPS and bug them to come pick up the ONE lousy package we have going out today. Buh-bye.

Lazy bum

Why am I having such a horrible time waking up in the morning?? I've started a terrible habit in which a roll over and turn the alarm OFF when it wakes me...instead of hitting the snooze button. What the hell?! I never ever used to hit snooze, now I'm turning the damn thing off! I'm not even aware of it! It sucks because I keep being late for work. Well, arriving after 8:00, that is. It's usually only one or two minutes after 8:00, but still, I'd much rather be at work a few minutes early. That's only logical....*sigh* I need to start setting my alarm for waayyy early so I can hit snooze forever. Oh no, I've turned into one of THOSE. I never thought I would. I always used to get out of bed before the alarm even went off! Seems that's not the case anymore. I'm just not a morning person and it's getting worse.

At least today is Thursday, that's cool. I have to try to do laundry tonight...that's not cool. Blech. I went jogging yesterday and my legs are ever so sore, but that's a good thing. So far I've managed to do everything I set out to do this week. Now it's just the laundry. Even if I just do one or two loads. It shouldn't be a problem since I don't have plans for tonight. Ron has come over every night this week so he won't be coming tonight....*sniff* So that gives me time to get some laundry done and go to bed early so I can hopefully get up before the damn alarm goes off.

Okay, time to go run some errands. I have to run to Staples and pick up the mail from the PO box. Oh so very exciting. I might write more later if my home computer is in a good mood tonight.

Sleeping and Jogging

I am so awake today, man. More awake than I've been in weeks! I fell asleep last night at 8:30 and didn't wake up until 7:15 this morning! Once again, I attempted to take a nap while waiting for Ron to get off of work and come over. Once again, I slept like a log and didn't even wake up when he got there. He said he gave me a kiss and I just flailed my arms and groaned so he left me alone. Shit, I feel so bad! I guess I needed to sleep though...and damn if I don't absolutely LOVE sleeping. It's one of my favorite things to do. Sad, but true.

So Monday I managed to do some exercises when I got home. I did some sit ups and push ups, leg crunches, jumping jacks, leg lifts... It felt good and I'm nice and sore today. Even more than I was yesterday. So today I'm going to try to take it easy and just do a short easy jog. I'm probably going to go over to my brother's area because I'm tired of my neighborhood. I need a change of scenery every now and again. It should be nice and challenging anyway, as there are tons of hills over there. I'll probably end up walking most of them! Ah, but anything is better than nothing, which is what I've been doing lately. I needed some time off though. I was getting burnt out. Plus I'm trying to cut back on eating so much. After I finished off the Easter candy, I felt like such a fat glutton. I haven't had too much chocolate on my weeks off of exercising so I feel better. I have to get rid of the notion that I can just eat whatever the hell I want since I'm exercising. I'd have to run at least 25 miles a week to be able to just eat like a hog. I KNOW that's not gonna happen.

So there's not much going on lately. I'm glad...just the same 'ol poo every day. I can't believe my birthday is just around the corner. I'm gonna be 28! Wow! I love having a May birthday, spring is my favorite time of year. I'm not sure what I'm doing for my birthday just yet. I don't really care, I'm not one to expect too much on the day. Hopefully I'll get a few calls from the important friends. I KNOW I'm gonna get the infamous "Happy Birthday" song phonecall from my parents in the morning. Hehehe! It's so silly, but they have to do it every year for all three of us. They just know we're sitting there rolling our eyes and smiling! Also coming up in May is my two year anniversary at this job. I can't believe it's been two years already. This is the first time I've had the same job for that long. I actually stayed somewhere long enough to get some raises! I'm hoping to get a fairly decent raise this year, as I've improved a lot over the past 10 months. I was a total slacker last year because I really didn't care about this job. This was just supposed to be temporary, like every other job I've had. I'm glad I decided to settle and actually LEARN about the company and concentrate on doing a GOOD job...istead of just getting by. All that temping I did a few years ago just stuck me in that 'temporary' frame of mind. Not any more. I like it here now and realize it could be much much worse.

I hope it doesn't rain today. There's supposed to be yet another huge storm coming. I want to go jogging and Ron wanted to go ride his bike at the track tonight. He's been meaning to do that for weeks but has just been too busy and tired. I hope he gets to do it 'cause it makes him so happy. I wish I could say the same for jogging.... Hehe...

Okay, back to work. It's kind of a slow week still and that puts boss man in a bad mood. I'd better work on some crappy long term shit I've been putting off. Ick. Yuck. Pooh. Later!

Yet again

Awww shithole....another MONDAY after a wonderful WONDERFUL weekend. *sigh* It was glorious. I really enjoyed the shower I went to on Saturday. It was so nice to see all those people that I hadn't seen in so very long. Plus I really enjoyed spending time with my mom.

Saturday night was a blast. Ron got to my house just a little while after I got home from my parents. We just hung out and played games, Scrabble and Mario Brothers. Then we tooled around on my computer.... OH YES! How could I forget...good 'ol Melly darlin' came over Friday night and loaded some spyware software onto my computer. Then we scanned and scanned and scanned and kept finding shit. Ron and I were scanning on Saturday night, too, and just kept finding more and more shit. I feel so stupid, how could I not know that this was spyware? That's one of the most common problems now. Why?! Why do these stupid computer geek motherfuckers have to sit around and consciously WORK on developing problems for the rest of us?! Fucking ASSHOLES! Once again, Melanie saves the day. She also showed me how to open up the internet through 'My Computer' since my internet explorer got all fucked up and needs to be re-installed. Yay.

I'm such a dorkus...yesterday I made this HUGE playstand for my birds. I took the top off of the parakeet cage and added it to my existing playstand, put a whole bunch of toys and ropes all over the place.... It's 'cause the parakeets have their flight feathers and they're not tame so I may as well let them fly around. Pickles, the lovebird, likes nothing more than to hang out on my shoulder during out time. Although, I think I'll probably let him grow his flights so he can fly around with the parakeets. He needs to learn some maneuvers. I got him when he was about two months old and he's now four. I've kept him clipped because it helps keep him tame and I also like to take him on little "outings" occasionally. I'll take him with me to the store or for a walk around the neighborhood... Sometimes I'll let a few of his flights grow in and he's able to get across the room. But he needs to learn basic flight and landing a little more. Plus I want to teach him to fly to me. That could be useful someday, just in case he ever gets out.

Ron and I had stayed up really late so we spent yesterday just lounging around. I went in the bedroom to take a nap and woke up to the wonderful smell of garlic. While I was sleeping away, sweetheart went out and got all the fixin's for a fabulous steak dinner. So we feasted and then lounged some more. It was glorious.

Today has been really slow at work so far. It's that time of year. Spring and summer are always kind of slow. I can't wait to go home, I hate slow days. I have to do some sort of exercise when I get home, too. I've been slacking for the past couple of weeks. I'm going to slowly get back into it, do some situps and pushups tonight. I'm not going to go for a jog until Wednesday or so. Ugh, I've been so bad.

Okay, I've thought of some slow day things to keep me busy...I'd better get to it since my boss is back in town.

Should we talk about the weather??

Oh yes...and IT'S RAINING AGAIN! AAAAAAARRRGGGHHH!!!!! It's supposed to fucking rain all weekend. I wanted to go for a bike ride at the beach on Sunday! WWAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!! Plus I wasn't expecting it to be so mutherfucking NIPPLE ASS COLD TODAY! I'm f-freezing! I've got the heater on full blast. What the hell made me think I could wear a skirt and sandles today??! Maybe the fact that the fucking SUN was out just YESTERDAY??! MAYBE??! Shit, what a spoiled pansy Californian I am. People in other states are dealing with all sorts of freezing misery and I'm complaining because it's below 70 today. Boo-fucking-HOO! It's just...it's just that.....consistency! I want consistency! Uh-huh, never gon' happen. Kay, back to work. No really, yea....

Mumbojumbo

Well well well.... My stupidfuckingpeiceofgoddamnmotherfuckinghorseshitsonofabitchass home computer is BROKEN AGAIN! AAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!! ARGUGUGUGUGHHGHGHGHG!!!!! *Puff* *Puff* This has not been the greatest of weeks. Mostly because I've been just plain TIRED and run down and haven't felt like doing much else but sleep in front of the t.v. I've just been dragging myself through each day, doing what absolutely HAS to be done. I have a million things to do that I just plain don't feel like doing....laundry, grocery shopping, cage cleaning, phone calls, blah blah blah.... I haven't even felt like cleaning the fish tank! Oh MY! It's usually very relaxing to me, fiddling with fish poo. Don't ask me why. I finally got around to it last night, I've been putting it off for a couple of weeks now. At least that's done.

The computer thing really really really PISSES me off though. I JUST got the fucker up and running happy again. Then, out of nowhere...BZZT! VIRUS! Seems my shitty ass anti-virus wasn't running. I don't know what happened. I was on THIS SITE, reading someone's diary when I clicked on the God-for-saken link that threw my computer into spasms. I'm paying for fucking DSL, damnit, I want to be able to USE it! So now I have to wait for Melanie to come over and rescue me again. Ron's pretty good with computers, too. He was able to spot five viruses the other night. He says he got rid of them, but it's still not working. I don't know...I just don't have the patience (or the money) for it. I just wish the shit would work without breaking every five fucking minutes. I need a Mac. FUCK MICROSOFT! FUCK THEM ALL TO HELL!!!!! Awright...enough, I'm pissing myself off again...pfft, what else is new.

So anyway, the same day my computer exploded, my brother was over at my house for the first time in forever. I miss him. Ever since he and I obtained new partners, we haven't had much time to hang out. I count him as one of my friends. He's so funny and cool to hang out with. The only thing about him, is that he's kinda selfish. He tends to not be interested in things unless there's something in it for him. I guess that stems from the fact that he's had a really hard couple of years. He was out of a job for a long time and having such a horrible time just surviving. All in the name of getting into the career path he'd been trying SO very hard to get into for the past ten years...sound engineering. The guy is extremely talented and has a fabulous ear. He's a complete whiz at pro-tools and computers and all that shit. His main problem was the fact that when he finally decided to try, full time, to get into the field, it was already saturated by all the college grad fucks. Well, he's finally gotten his dream sound engineering job making great money. I'm so proud of him....he struggled for so long. But in the process, he's become so preoccupied with himself and his needs.

So, anyway...I finally saw him on Tuesday. I had called him a week before and left a message, he never called me back. So I called him again on Tuesday, left him a message to "please call me back you BUTTMONGER!" This got a response. We decided to hang and he needed to work on his brakes in my driveway. We had a good plan, he'd work on his car, I'd tool around on the 'puter and take care of the pets and then we'd make a nice dinner. It all went to shit after less than an hour. He started having major problems trying to fix his car, my computer fucked up... After three hours I gave up on the computer, he gave up on his car because it was getting dark and I was starving. He wasn't hungry because he'd just eaten a few hours before. I had to eat so I did while he tried to figure out what the fuck was up with my shitty computer... I ended up having to drive him all the way to his girlfriends because he couldn't fix the car. I was tired and cranky by the time I got home. An altogether shitty evening.

That is...'til good 'ol Ron came over. I had my undies all in a knot, stressed out over miscellanious bullshit. He helped me to completely relax within five minutes of his arrival. We had a few beers, watched some t.v., cuddled. Then he worked on my computer some while I went to sleep. That's when he managed to find the viruses. The next morning my brother got a ride back early to try to do something about his car. Ron was there 'til about one, when he has to leave for work. He helped my brother with his car some (he's just a Godsend, that boy, knows about CARS too....*sigh*....I'm so in love...he's SUCH a man...ahem) and even gave him a ride to work. That day I really didn't feel like working, I was sooooo very tired. I don't know why.

After work I'd promised to go pick up a 55 gallon fish tank from some friends. I'd babysat for this wonderful family's two girls for almost ten years. I've known them for 12 years now and I still pet sit for them occasionally. The one girl has had this fish tank since she was five. They replaced it with an acrylic tank about five years ago. I'd always help her with it 'cause I'm the fish nerd and she could never really keep it clean. She'd always get nasty snail infestations, too. I knew I'd end up with this tank. The girl is gonna be a senior in highschool next year and she just doesn't have time for it anymore. Naturally they offered it to me. FINALLY! I've been waiting for this! I'm a dork! But picking it up was a major pain. I had to help drain it, take some of the fish back to the pet store, blah. Putting it in my car was a drag and a half. The mom helped me. So by the time I got home I was so exhausted. I was expecting Ron so I wanted to take a nap and then work on the tank when he got there. Naps never work out for me. I always end up falling asleep and being dead tired when I wake up. So Ron got there, let himself in and woke me gently. I was in a piss poor mood again...but not for long :) But I started complaining about how I had to clean my filthy tank, there's a stinking tank in my car, I'm tired...yadda yadda. Well, he took that tank out of my backseat all by himself. He told me to stop freaking out, there's plenty of time to do everything.... I'm such a stupid stress case sometimes, I swear. He helped me relax once again and we played a nice game of Scrabble. I kicked his butt again! But only for the second time.

Yea, so I'm just rambling on about this week, aren't I? All in all it's really been okay, I've just been feeling a little low. I, and I'm sure billions of others, go through these times occasionally. For no good reason. There are so many other huge problems in the world and I'm worried about cleaning my stupid fish tank. Fuck.

So tonight I gotta go to my parents. No usual drive out to Ron's to spend a lovely weekend with him. I don't get to see him 'til tomorrow night. I'm going to my parents tonight because they live about an hour away and I'm going to a baby shower with my mom tomorrow at 11:00 a.m. The shower is another hour out from my parents. There is no way in HELL I'll make it on time if I leave from my house tomorrow morning. This shower is for one of my mom's good friend's daughters. I used to play with her as a kid. I haven't seen much of her through our teenage/adult years. Last I saw her I think it was her wedding....four years ago. I'm sorta looking foward to this, but I'm not too fond of baby showers. They bore me to fucking TEARS.

Okay, time to get back to work and finish out the day. My boss comes back Monday and I should really make sure everything is done. No more slacking.....for now. Later!

Crappy ass week and continuation

Ugh..what a crappy ass week. I feel like I have so much to do, but I'm just too damn tired to do it. I had a great weekend again. Partied all weekend like a bad girl. Of course that's why I feel like shit this week. I just don't want to deal with ANYthing. It's all a drag. I just want to go to sleep. I'm alone at work for the next few weeks, so I simply MUST come into the office. Damnit.

My internet at home is screwed up. I still have to call SBC and deal with that. My fish tank looks like a cesspool, to me anyway. It's not that bad, but I usually don't let it get this way. I'm just not in the mood to clean it. My pets usually make me so happy, but I feel like getting rid of ALL of them right now. 'Cept good 'ol Stan. Kitties are never that much trouble. I'm beginning to regret getting those rats though. They're really sweet, cute and smart but I just don't have the time to let them out every day. Swirl is so rambuncious and needs to get out for exercise on a daily basis, but it's such a pain. I try to let them out in the bathroom, where they can't get into anything, but that's too small. Then I try to let them out in the back room, but Swirl gets under the door, the little shit. I stuffed towels under the door the other day and she PUSHED them out! She loves to go into my bedroom and under the bed. A few times I've found her IN my bed...EEEeewwwww!!!! I had to change the fucking sheets! I guess the main problem is that I don't want them in the bedroom. It has two doorways, one of which does not have a door on it. I suppose I could rig something up with my room divider. Yea, all I have to do is use my brain and I'll figure something out that's not too much trouble. But damn, all these pets. Ugh. At least they can entertain themselves in their cages. Can't do that with kids. That's why I'm waiting 'til I'm REALLY SURE before I have (if I have) kids.

So what the fuck was I rambling about? Oh yea, life sucks. No, it doesn't. I'm in love and I have a good job and a roof over my head and a wonderful family. Yay. I'm just going through that down time that I usually go through about once or twice a month. Dragging my ass this week.Okay, so I guess I should finish the ex story. I'll do a quick summary.... As I think I've said before, the first three years were great because it was my first real love and I was still learning. I ingnored some HUGE red flags. The guy had personality problems, he was a major passive aggressive, racist, momma's boy son of a bitch with a very fucked up temper. He'd get so frustrated with trying to figure things out (the computer, the fish tank filter, the car) and he'd throw a fucking temper tantrum. I was with him for six years total and broke up with him three times. He'd always be so upset and I'd always go back due to my own insecurities. He acted like he needed me so much, would walk on eggs in the beginning, and then it was back to the same 'ol shit. Every. Single. Time. I'm a slow learner, but I did learn a helluva lot from this relationship. It was like FOUR fucking relationships in ONE!

The last time I left him (well, second to last, but I don't really count the LAST last time) we were living together and engaged. We only lived together six months and we had only been engaged for three and a half weeks. I freaked out at the prospect living the rest of my life with this person. I just had this nagging feeling and I couldn't ignore it. I realized that I was a different person when I was with him. I wasn't completely comfortable, even though I thought I was.

So my friend Melanie (God bless her, I don't know what I'd do without her) helped me move the fuck outta that place while he was at work one day. It was the only way to do it. I couldn't very well 'prepare' him for something like that because I knew he would try his best to talk me out of it. It was a crazy day, Melanie came over and we packed as much of my shit into trash bags as we possibly could. Then she took it to her place and I stayed to gather up a few last things. As I was stuffing the bird cages into my car, he gets home from work. I guiltily walk up the driveway and as he's getting out of the car with a baffled look on his face...I tell him we have to talk. He's like..."OOOooh noooooo, not again!" I don't remember exactly what I said (it's been almost two years now) but I basically told him that I was sorry, that I couldn't marry him, it just didn't feel right. He begged me not to go, to reconsider, no relationship is perfect, we could work it out...blah blah blah. He ripped the ring off my finger. He pleaded some more. HE CALLED HIS MOTHER. Yes, he put me on the phone with his MOTHER (by this time I was sobbing, I couldn't take it anymore) and had HER try to convince me that marriage would be fine. WHAT IN THE FUCK???!!! That pretty much sealed the deal right there. I knew I was doing the right thing. I don't remember what I told her, but she let me go because I don't think she could understand me...I was kinda gettin' hysterical at this point.

The last thing I remember was walking down the driveway with the cat carrier. I should NOT have looked back, but of course I did. I saw him crying on the balcony, waving pathetically. I spent the next month and a half living with Melanie in her one bedroom condo with my two birds and cat. It was so stressful for the both of us. Poor Melanie was out of a job at the time, I had just started the one I'm at now. So...new job, breakup, no place to live, pets all over the place. I was so fucking stressed. Oh yea, and for the first week...Mr. Dork CALLED me and kept trying to negotiate with me. I finally emailed him telling him it was over and he didn't bug me again.

I managed to find my cute backhouse, moved and got settled. I dated, had a rebound relationship (that was a small emotional hell in itself, crazy clingy guy) worked, slept, and got on with life. Sorta. I managed to stay away from dork for eight months. 'Til I was drunk and lonely one night in January. Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, BAD ME!!!!! All my fault. I should have never called him. He should have never talked to me. But we ended up trying to be 'friends' for the next several months which of course led to ONE more try in August of '04. The end of August through the beginning of October was a horrible time. Funny how when your brain is telling you it's completely WRONG and your heart is telling you it's right and comfortable you think you're confused. Well, I guess it is confusion. We made the dreadful mistake of going to the beach together one day and acting like it was 'old times'. Okay, I admit, I was feeling sorry for him because he had knocked up his girlfriend (his rebound that he'd gotten with right after I left him) and was all fucked up. He'd dated and fucked the chick for about four or five months...broke up with her in January '04 because he finally got the balls to. He told me she was a pain in the ass, clingy, stupid, ignorant, annoying...wanted a baby (uh-OH! RED FLAG, STUPID) because her ex-husband beat her and she lost her first one. It's such a stupid mess. So we go to the beach and then go to one of our favorite restaurants afterwards....then of course end up gettin' drunk and sleeping together. NOOOOoooooooo!!!!

So that starts my six-seven weeks of hell. I don't want to tell my family or friends because I'm so ashamed of myself for going back AGAIN. I start blaming myself for leaving him and for him going off and possibly getting some other bitch pregnant. He kept telling me at first that he wasn't sure it was his. He'd been going to a counselor since I left him again, the same couple's counselor that we'd gone to when we got back together before. Note to self: If you have to go to a fucking counselor BEFORE you're even MARRIED, it most likely ain't gon' work out. Anyway, the couselor (who turns out to be a horrible counselor, by the way) has put it into his head that this bitch is probably a liar, among other things. That she's probably been out screwing others and it may not be his kid. Of course she wants to keep it. Oh yes, this is the kind of person she is.... Finds out she's pregnant and QUITS her job, gets on WELFARE and moves back home to her parents! What a great woman!

Okay, so this is what I'm dealing with. I finally break down and tell my parents because I have a horrible time keeping this in. They are so supportive. They tell me that everyone makes mistakes, that if it's going to work out it will, don't worry, everything will be fine. My mom told me to see how he handles this situation. See how he treats me during all of this. That will tell me whether or not this is right, ONCE AND FOR ALL. She was so right, of course. He handled it all wrong. He made me feel awful through the whole ordeal. I kept having breakdowns and blaming myself for leaving him and him getting into this mess. First he'd tell me that he forgave me, that everything will be fine...then he'd throw it in my face that I left him so very many times and make me feel guilty as hell. The guy LOVED to play on my guilt complex. Fucker.

In the end, I realized (FINALLY) that this just wasn't right. He was not worth all of this. I didn't want to raise some other bitch's kid. Some other bitch who is so fucking DUMB. This wasn't my fault at all. What I'd done, which is left him several times 'cause I couldn't make up my fucking insecure mind, could be healed and worked out. What he'd done, which is knock up some crazy bitch he'd met on the internet, could not be healed. I was to either deal with it or forget it. He didn't realize how much he was asking of me. The baby was due at the end of September. Then he'd get a DNA test to find out if it was his for sure. In the mean time, he'd go with her to the doctor, he'd help out with the baby's room, he'd stockpiled a shitload of diapers in his garage. This was driving me OUT OF MY MIND with jealousy, insecurity, regret... We were both going to the counselor at this point. Since I didn't have insurance, he paid for my visits. Aww, what a sweetie. Fucker. We went together a few times and by ourselves a few times. This counselor was horrid. She actually told me that I would have a hard time finding someone else who would 'adore' me as much as this asshole did. PFFT!!! HA! Stupid bitch didn't see my side at all. She'd always defend him.

Well, I basically found out where I stood when the baby was finally born. While I was at home, seething with anger and jealousy, he was at the hospital with her. He came home with a goddamned band on his wrist...all reflective... I told him what the counselor had advised that we handle the situation. That he should not rub this baby shit in my face, that it was too much for me to deal with. That he should respect the fact that I needed him because I was feeling terribly insecure. He agreed, but then he'd go right back to driving me nuts. I'm tired of telling this story now. I basically realized what an immature peice of shit he is by the way he acted during the seven weeks before that baby (which is 99.9% his, by the way) was born. If I had problems with him before, this just sealed the fucking deal. NO WAY, I decided. I DON'T NEED THIS. HE IS NOT WORTH THIS. GOODBYE!! I told him I didn't want to work it out anymore, that it was done. What's done is done. I continued to talk to his best friend for a little while, even had a little rebound fling with him. HA! But then I started feeling guilty about that, too. I really didn't need any of these people in my life anymore. I decided to move on and I'm so glad. I finally got the closure I needed. Now I never want anything to do with that fuckhole again.

I just need to be indifferent now and I'm working on it. I have to get this out of my head. I've already thrown out some pictures and practically all the bullshit cards he gave me. 'Cept for the ones from the beginning when the relationship was special. This WAS my first love. Thank GOD I didn't marry him. I'd be miserable, even if he hadn't knocked up another woman.

My goodness, this turned out to be a long entry. I'm done for now. I've got lots of work to do. I finished my coffee and feel somewhat awake now. It's time to work. Uck.

Break

Hey, I'm at home. Pretty cool to be adding an entry from home. I'm just sitting here waiting for Ron to get here.

I keep meaning to add an entry, or start one...but I keep remembering that I started the ex saga. I don't necessarily HAVE to finish the whole story all at once though. I can go back to it whenever I want.

So...my day....my week. It was all good. I went to my tax guy today and found out that I'm getting a return this year. A nice one, too! Last year was the first (and I will make sure it's the last) year I had to pay out. I had to work under the table at my new job for the first few weeks I was there. So this year I was at the same job and didn't have ten thousand W2s like I had previous years when I did a lot of temp work. Plus my salary is steadily going up, which helps a lot. It's cool that I made it to my appointment 'cause I almost forgot about it.

Hmmm, not too much else going on. I'm IMing with a guy I dated for a short time before Ron. We only dated a few weeks 'cause it just wasn't happenin'. I'm trying to be 'friends with him, but I don't know how. I'm so bad at having guy friends. When I broke up with my ex...almost two years ago now, I dated and messed around with some random guys. It was my first real 'dating' experience, actually. This guy is one I met online on a friend website. We talked for about four months before we actually met up. He seemed cool at first, like they ALL do. But then, time always tells the truth in terms of whether ya'll is gon' work out or not. Anyway, we chatted a lot...it was the basis of our relationship...online chatting, the occasional get together, movie watch, make-out, sex session...out to eat blah blah. It took only a couple times for the little thing we had going to crash. It went from...'Oooh, you're kinda cute to 'Eh' within a short time. At first I was just driven by hormones, and he DID smell good and have a cute smile. But when there's no spark, there's no way around it. Yea, I know. It's called DATING.

So anyway, I'm chatting with him right now. He popped online, wondering why on earth I'd be online on a Friday night when I have a boyfriend. It's, of course, weird trying to be friends after you've slept together. Awkward, 'specially when one of you has since moved on. He is still single. And looking. And asking about my boyfriend. I get that vibe. It's not gonna last. I suck at having guy friends. It just doesn't work for me. But guys are so much cooler than girls in some ways. It's good to have them as friends. It balances the scales. But, you gotta get that sex thing outta the way. I've had this discussion with my friend Melanie, actually. She agrees that the sexual part usually gets in the way. But there are rare circumstances in which a friendship can sprout...ooh, shit the parakeets are flying around the house..... Shit, Apples is missing. I'd better go find her before Stan kitty does. Time to put the birdies away and then I think I'll go play Nintendo. Haven't played it since the other night. Time for some Mario 2. Later.