I got to bed laaaaate last night. "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" was a lot better than I'd expected it to be. I laughed and I even cried. It was mostly lighthearted but there were some touching scenes in there that had me tearing up. And the girls were great together, great little actresses. After the movie went we to dinner and met up with a couple of other friends. So that made the evening stretch out a bit. I didn't get home 'til almost midnight. Ron was up and I hung out with him 'til about 1:30. Oh how I hated to see this morning.
Work was a little weird today. I'm already kind of moody because of PMS and the fact that I'm low on pills. Yes, the evil pills...
I've been taking Paxil since I broke up with Arn this past September. I've been on and off anxiety/depression meds since I was 18. The first thing I took was Zoloft and that helped a lot with my overall mood. It really helped with my social anxiety and depression that became very apparent when I entered college. Zoloft helped me feel more comfortable in my skin. I took it for about a year and then got off of it for 3 years. I started to take Paxil on and off when Arn and I started to have problems. This was around the time my parents and I moved out of the house I grew up in and about 45 minutes away to Orange County. I wasn't ready to move out on my own so I went with my parents to start over in a new town. I didn't want to go to school so I started looking for work and got into the temp thing. I was often in between jobs and this stressed me out a helluva lot. Taking Paxil was expensive (still is) because I never had insurance. So I got into the bad habit of 'stretching it out'. I mean, $60 - $70 for a bottle of 30 pills naturally started to take its toll on my thin wallet.
Trying to make them last played havoc on my brain so I got off of them again. A year or so later, back on them and this time, skipping doses all the more. With this kind of medication, you're supposed to let it build up in your system. It takes 2 - 3 weeks to actually start working. But skipping around made me feel like shit, I was always having withdrawal symptoms. It feels like my head is stuffed with cotton. I'm absent minded, moody and irritable, I cry at the drop of a hat. I haven't done the stretch out, skipping doses thing the entire nine months I've been on them again. But they're even more expensive. I was lucky to make them last until I got paid today. I started biting them in half on Thursday. The lower dosage is giving me a little bit of the withdrawal feeling, but not as much...cotton head and irritablility are the most prominent symtoms right now.
That's why I was feeling fucked at work today. Well, that and the fact that I got about four hours of sleep. I am a huge PUSSY when it comes to sleep deprivation. One night of less than my usual 6 to 8 hours and I feel right about shitty all day.
I got an email from my boss instructing me to give him a raise. It made me feel bad because...*sniff*...EYE wanted one! But I feel like I don't deserve one. Not yet, anyway. I got a substantial one last year and I feel like I still have some earning to do. I was very depressed last year, especially when I'd first gotten my job. The job was supposed to be temporary (I was still very much in that state of mind) while I looked for a company I could stay at, one with better benefits. So I really didn't care about my job and treated it so. I didn't pay attention to what I was doing...and during this time I was on and off my pills. Again. I got a raise at 6 months and another at 9, then a niiiiiice one at my year mark. Right after that raise and my trip to New York, they discovered I was making a lot of mistakes.
Fuck, I gotta pee and I'm tired. I'm not done yet but hell...I'll continue it tomorrow. Feeling random right now. Later.
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