Nails in my eye

I've been sick...again. Woke up with another fever yesterday. I don't know what is up with me, this is the second fever I've gotten since June. This time I went to the doctor and got a shot so that it wouldn't turn into the sniffling, lung buttery, hacking hell it did last time. It started Monday at work. Toward the end of the day I got a terrible headache. I finished the day, went home (drove most of the way with one eye closed 'cause it felt like there was a nail in my socket), took three aspirin and rested. I went to bed by 8:30 and proceeded to have a million nightmares in a row. That's when you know you have a fever, when the nightmares don't stop. I'd wake up from one like, "OH GAWD, what the HELL was that all about?! I'm so glad I woke up..." Only to fall asleep and go right back to where it left off. I don't really remember any of them anymore, as those were replaced by yesterdays depressing dreams. I'm trying to forget those 'cause they left me with an awfully depressed feeling in my gut. So I spent the whole damn day yesterday in bed. Now my back is killing me because we are in serious need of a new mattress. The thing is ELEVEN years old. OUCH. I'm hoping to hobble through the rest of this day and go home to rest some more. I need to put a heat pad on my aching back...

This past weekend was great. We didn't do much of anything...watched movies, cleaned, ran errands. The usual. We went out to dinner with my cousin Mark for his son Masons 13th birthday. For being around a guy like my cousin, that kid sure did turn out sweet. He is such a cutie pie. Anyway, we went to a cozy Italian place (my favorite) and I had the eggplant parmesian while the others had pizza. I miss my grandmas eggplant parmesian. No one can make it like Mama could. I gotta find that recipe. I have an old book of recipes that I'd found while living at my grandparents house. It's time to pull that thing out and start makin' some REAL Italian food! Mmmmmm...

Oh yea...Stanley had to go to the vet again today to get another oral surgery. They're gonna pull some more of his problem teeth. Yes, my wonderful cat who has a fabulous, doglike personality, doesn't piss all over the place, doesn't scratch all over the furniture and is otherwise perfect, just HAS to have a chronic problem with his teeth. He had a couple of problem teeth pulled last year and that didn't seem to do anything to remedy the problem. We were being cautious before but now we gotta pull out the big guns. Now they're gonna go for the ones that seem to always get infected BADLY...his top right teeth in the back. I took him back to the vet I trust...the vet I've always taken him to. She may be a little paranoid about his weight, but she's a very good vet. She actually didn't say anything about his weight this last time I had him checked. He's maintaining at about 15 pounds now. I've been feeding him a fixed amount. Not too much and not too little, which seems to work fine. And I usually try to keep him on the healthy weight maintenance formula. I'm more worried about his teeth right now. I hadn't taken him for a mouth check up since that last vet I took him to for the second opinion ripped me the fuck off. At least I got lots of pills from the last time and that kept the chronic infection at bay for a while. But it came back and I'm hoping this surgery will do the trick. I don't want any more teeth to be pulled, as he's a youngin' (only 6) and I'd like him to be able to keep most of his teeth and eat dry food for a while longer. *sigh*

Well back to work for me. Got some catching up to do. Later...

Ducky and the mysterious Larvae

You didn't think I was gonna stop at one, did you? HELL no. It's Friday, the boss is still gone and I have a new toy at my desk!



It's the birth of ducky!

And can anyone tell me what the hell these things are?



I know they're some sort of little larval casing...they're all over the stucco walls outside here at work. I noticed them scattered around before, but they seem to have multiplied some over the past few months. So going along with the theme for today, I decided to take a few of 'em and scan 'em in. Yes, I know...another novelty. Pretty soon I'll be scanning my boogers. Hmmm, now what sorta art project can I make with boogers? I know...don't ask...

First day of school

Mommy and child packing popcorn, waiting for the bus. Isn't that precious?

Guess who got a new computer and a scanner at work... Mmmm-hmmm, that's right...

I'm gettin' all deep again...

I'm still feeling pretty damn good about life. The attitude adjustment is working so far. Still trying to keep positive, not let people/the world get me down, look forward to the future and be confident. But I can't always ride the wave of happiness, as seen in this blog many times before. During those times of inevitable sadness/frustration/general disappointment I must remember...remember that I was born with a normal, functioning and complete body. Something that this poor child will never know.

Yea, things were going just swell...got a great job, great house, great start to a family... Then ya go and do what millions of others do every fucking day, get pregnant with a second child. Then you find out, through the wonderful technology of ultrasound, that she's got a genetic abnormality. Life throws a curve. Hmmm, a cleft palate maybe? Not quite...

This is why I have anxiety. All the "what ifs" in life. Another general statement that I, and thousands of others think and say every day... Gotta make the best of what you've got because you never know. You just NEVER fucking know.

Sometimes...

I just LOVE my job. My boss is gone for a week again... I'm just here doing my own thing. Day by day. Was gonna exercise after work, do the 'ol running up and down the stairs since it was hot out again today. Well, I ran into a bit of a problem as I was changing into my workout clothes. Ya see, I forgot my workout SHORTS. Ooops. Good thing I'm here alone! I can just work out in my underwear! No worries... Panties and a sportsbra! Perfect! It's so much FUN running around work in your skivvies. Now I'm all done with the workout. Time to throw on my skirt with the sportsbra and head home. I don't wanna drive home in muh undies...you know...all those tall trucks. Heh.

FUCK!

Okay, Photobucket is FUCKED up today. It's doing it again. BIG HAIRY SPIDER IN YOUR FACE. I'm leaving this for now.

I don't get it

For some odd reason, one of the pictures I posted in the last entry WILL NOT SHRINK. I went to photobucket and shrunk it to the size of the others...that usually works. I even reposted the entry AGAIN with the tag to the edited picture. The edited damn picture that says it's the same damn size as the other pictures. Why does it keep showing up so fucking HUGE?! Oh well, gotta leave it for now. Boggles the fucking mind.

Here's a couple more pics I forgot to post last week... Pet pics, of course:



I was actually INSIDE the fish tank when I took this one. Heehee!

And look, Rosie is WALKING!



She's a nocurnal lil' bugger. I turned on the light in the kitchen and saw her walking along. I had to take a picture of the event. My life is so fucking exciting, I tell ya! Okay...that's enough for now. Gotta work.

OH Whuttah...

WEeeeeeeeeeeeeeekend! It was nice. The usual... Nothing too spectacular to report. Ran errands, hung out with Melanie and Tyra some. Went to Ron's mom's for a BBQ. Took Stan to the vet for shots and to get his infected mouth checked out. He's gonna need to have some more teeth pulled 'cause the infection just won't stop. Dammit... Don't wanna talk about that though.

Here...have some pictures of the bathroom clouds that I ALMOST finished this past Thursday...

The first night I spent doing simple, white clouds:









The second night, a week and a half later, I shaded MOST of the clouds:









I started to get tired and although I only had a few more to do, I just couldn't. I knew I'd have to come back to touch everyting up anyway. I'm such a damn perfectionist. And speaking of perfection...



Don't gag. NO... I'm NOT obessed. Why do you ask? Collecting pictures for my scrapbook. Ron saw this new one laying out on my dresser and he's like, "OH GAWD...ANOTHER ONE? What have I done?" Then he got me another Mr. Bungle CD. He's still feeding it, I tell you! Hehehe...

He's perfect for ME, that's why I'm marrying him. Huh, honey...



I love you, Ron.



MMMM-WHUUH!!!

(check out those nostrils...can you see my brain?) Later!

What the hell?!

One more thing... This is one of the gifts listed on the Day-vid's Bridal website. What do you think? A nice, engraved flask for everyone! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Nuptuals and lists...

I've been doing so much better this week. SO much better. What a difference positive thinking makes. And less drinking makes. For goodness sakes. Yes. Gee whiz, whoda thunk?

First off, been thinking about the 'ol wedding plans. My mom and I went to a baby shower this past Sunday. It was for her friend Margaret's daughter, Jennifer. Mom and Margaret are great friends since college so our families know each other pretty well. Actually, it was more like a baby "sprinkle" due to the fact that this is Jennifer's second baby, her first is six months already! Only a few people were invited and it was more of a celebration than a gift-giving extravaganza. Anyway, Jennifer is two years older than me and got married 7 years ago. She's a sweet girl, we used to play as kids but have lost touch since we didn't have much in common. For example... She was a happy, peppy, confident blonde cheerleader in highschool...I was a depressed, weird, frizzy haired, insecure dork in highschool. I know we're adults now and things change, but we're still a lot different. Her outgoing, positive leader personality sure comes in handy when planning a wedding though! My mom was DYING for me to talk to her...

"Go over and show Jennifer your ring!"

"Go ask Jennifer what you should do now that you have a date and a place set."

"You should take this opportunity to talk to Jennifer about planning, I got married 40 years ago...I have no idea what I'm doing!"

My mom thinks I should be bursting with enthusiasm. Of course...'cause she's my mom and wants me to be happy. You know how mothers are. They worry. I'm not excited enough...what if inside, I really don't want to get married! Like...like last time! I've reassured her no less than six THOUSAND times that, YES...YES DAMMIT! I WANT TO MARRY RON. I AM EXCITED. I AM JUST OVERWHELMED AND I PROCRASTINATE WHEN I AM ANXIOUS. Eesh. It's almost been a year since we got engaged (Nov 13th) and I still feel good about it. I was engaged to butthead for three weeks before I up and moved the fuck out. C'mon now, mah, you gots nuthin' to worry 'bout. I'm just not the enthusiastic type. I even got fired from a hostess job at a restaurant after three days because I wasn't "enthusiastic enough". Eye-lands...not a good place for me to work. A great job for perky blondes and cutsie brunettes...but not me.

ANYWAY...

Needless to say, I ended up having an in depth conversation with Jennifer. MAN is she ORGANIZED. Holy shit, she made up an itinerary for her bridesmaids and the DJ! She made up an entire BINDER of information and lists! I'm all..."You're hired. H-E-L-P-M-E." She's still got that binder and she's gonna lend it to me. We exchanged email addys and I've already sent her a list of questions. I am doing my homework like a good girl. I've even started sketching the invitation. GO ME! OOooh Ungowa oooh ooh Ungowa! Yes, I've found a truly helpful person this time. Someone who is more organized than I can ever dream of being. I appreciate that 'cause I need to improve my skills in that area. First off, lists are your friends...

And speaking of lists, I did my first art homework assignment given to me by Marguerite during her visit. She asked me to list things I'd like to do with my art. I came up with six things, all having to do with illustration...

1. Children's Books
2. Animal info/anatomy books
3. Custom painting - furniture, walls, windows, etc...
4. Pet portraits
5. Album covers
6. Book covers

My next assignment is to go through each of these things and figure approximately how long it will take me to do a project. Besides a contract, knowing what to charge my client is extremely important. I've had problems with this in the past when I used to paint store windows for the holidays. Rule number one...know what you're doing, or at least act like it at first, 'cause people will take advantage of you. It takes time and energy to produce a quality product, no matter what it is. I have to learn to be somewhat of a professional about this. Shit. A professional?! ME?! Yes...

OH and I made another list of personal art projects that I need to finish.

1. Fairy statue for Lisa... I painted this for her birthday a few years ago. She didn't like one of the colors I used so I agreed to change it. It's been sitting on top of my fridge for two years.

2. Book cover for Lucy... One of the first paid projects I did was an astrological calendar series for this woman I met at my restaurant job. They were for the year 2000 and we didn't get them printed 'til October '99. Lots of little technical problems that weren't thought through enough. Got tons of great illustrations though and we wanna make it into a book. I've sketched a great cover and I just need to ink it!

3. Got an email the other day from a contact I made a few years ago. He'd wanted illustrate a children's book idea he had. I did a few finished and colored drawings to go with his manuscript and he sent it out...but only to about 25 publishers. He wants to try again. I say cool 'cause I've gotten even better at drawing children and I'd like to re-do one of the pictures I did. I always figure, "What the hell?", when it comes to these things. Same with the Lucy project. Just DO shit and get it out there. A portfolio will come together before I know it.

4. Paint the fairy for Zen dear. I'm gonna go get the stuff I need this weekend, I hope. Gotta get started on it!

5. Finish drawing my wedding invitation picture. This one's obvious. Gotta get it done and printed!

Okay, for now I actually have a drawing assignment at work! Gotta do some drawings for my boss to take with him to the show he's doing next week. I did a lovely illustration of 'The Sacred Heart of Jesus' yesterday. I need to scan that sucker in! First I wanna color a copy of it in pencil though. Shit, guess that's item number 6. Better get started... Later!

It's not just what's in fashion...

It's what's in the bag...

Not so blue

Happy day...it's a Monday and I don't feel like complete and total depressed shit. That's because I was somewhat of a good girl. Somewhat. I still had a few beers and such, but I didn't overdo it at all. It's so nice to wake up ready to face the day. I wish it could be like this every day, especially every Monday.

It was a nice, regular, run 'o the mill weekend. Friday night I helped Melanie a little with the cleaning of her old place. Seems like the poor girl has been in the middle of moving forever. SO MUCH STUFF. Man oh man. Now they're just finishing up with the cleaning...putting down new ceramic floor tiles, painting and carpet cleaning. I washed the windows, a few cabinets and some doors before I petered out... There wasn't too much left to do though, good 'ol Ivan got so much done during the week. I hope this was the last weekend they had to deal with that place... I think Melanie's gonna put it on the market this week.

Saturday was spent running errands. After reading some of that aquarium book Ron gave me, I decided that I wasn't paying enough attention to the water quality in my tank. So one of the errands was to head to the fish store and get the proper filter media to make the fishies happy. I also got some aquarium salt...it's s'posed to be good for their overall well being (protects against disease and stress) and gill function. And since we were in the valley we also stopped by the bird store to get the birdies some fruit/veggie salad. It sucks that the quality pet stores that I trust have to be so damn far away from home.

The Shabu Shabu place happens to be in the valley, too, so I was finally able to get Ron over there to try it after our errands on Saturday. He LOVED it! I'm so very glad 'cause this means we'll get to go there a little more often! I hope... We had a great time. Oh yes, and before dinner we went CD shopping. Once again it had been too long since I'd gotten some new music. I got five, plus Ron picked out a Mr. Bungle CD that he said I just HAD to have... Of course I LOVE it. It's hilarious! There's one song in which he sings about food. I've never heard anyone rap so fast! "Squeeze me macaroni...slide your face in my balogna..." HAHA! Ron would sing that sometimes and I had no idea what he was talking about!

Uh-oh, my boss is back and I'm supposed to be helping him get ready for the show this week. I'd better get crackin'. Later!

DUH

You know what I just realized? In my long, emotional, exploratory post yesterday I mentioned that MONDAY came crashing down. I meant Tuesday. Yes, TUESDAY because it was the day after a long weekend. DUUUHH. I need a brain flush.

Sick farts

OH fanTABulous! It's Friday again. Welcome to another weekend. A weekend wherein I will NOT get wasted beyond all wastedness. I was good all week so I am going to allow myself a bit of fun. Just a bit. Really. NO REALLY. JUST A LITTLE. Have a few beers and relax. But not make it the center of my attention like I did last weekend. I don't want to have a shitty beginning to my week again. Come Monday, I will NOT wake up depressed and worried. I will wake up refreshed and happy to greet the new day. OH...who the fuck am I kidding?! I probably won't be refreshed or happy to go to work... But this attitude, this bitterness has GOT to STOP. I don't have to be a fucking ray of sunshine, but I do have to try harder to keep my stupid emotions at bay and deal with life a little better.

*End of self therapy session*

SO. I finally finally FINALLY joined the rest of the world and got a new cell phone yesterday. My old phone was almost SIX years old! It still worked fine, looked fine...no one could really tell it was ancient until they saw that old green screen. It was kinda sentimental to me and I liked the fact that it was different than everyone else's newfangled gadgets. However, the battery was getting old. I couldn't use it too much or it would be juiced pretty quickly. And nothing is more ear-shattering than the beep that thing makes when it completely loses battery power. You're in the middle of a conversation...little warning beep...little warning beep...you're trying to end the coversation before it BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPP!!!! *gah* Ron mentioned yesterday that his plan contract was finally up and he would finally be able to get a new phone. He wanted to get a plan together and I told him I'd check out what was available with my service first, since I've always liked it and have never had a problem. I headed on over there after work and found out that since it had been so damn long since I'd changed a thing on my plan, I was eligible for lots of perks, discounts and TWO phones! SOOOoooooo...we now have two lovely new phones and a plan together. We can talk to each other for free! All day long! Yay! And I can take pictures of my ass and send them to him! Holy shit! The features this thing has...the sounds... Welcome to 2006. And it's almost over. Hah!

Ron sweetie poopsie thoughtful man brought home an AWESOME aquarium book for me last night. The fish geeks dream book. It's got everything you wanna know about keeping fresh and saltwater fish, fish names, natural habitats... Guess what I'm gonna be reading all weekend?! I know a lot about the hobby, but there's always more to learn. I happened to flip to a page as I was scanning it and found a fish that I just started keeping and don't know much about. The orange chromide cichlid. Here's a pic of one of mine...



Can you see 'im? He's the lil' fishie to the right. Yea. Apparently, they like brackish water. Little salt in their mix. Putting a little salt in a freshwater aquarium is actually good for the fish anyway. I'm going grocery shopping today (been puttin' that shit off for three weeks now) and I'm onna pick me up some uniodized salt. In't that sumpin'?

Ooooh...that Taco Smell I had yesterday is not agreeing with me. I still haven't eaten anything since yesterday afternoon. I've been feeling all bloated and icky since then. I just farted and made myself sick. Good Lord, what the hell is IN that shit? I don't want to know. That's why I don't eat fast food very often. Yuck. I need to go evacuate. Yea...I'd better go 'cause the poop talk is starting.

Stone cold

Ah, good morning and welcome to day three of stone cold sobriety. Yes, I'm trying again. Last Thursday, after having a talk with Ron, we had decided that we need to cut back on the drinking. Then Friday rolled around. The Friday before a long weekend Friday. BIG Friday. Melanie called while I was on my way home from work and invited us over for a hang out session that night. Mike, Bam and another couple we didn't know were gonna be there. We headed over around eight and thus began the party. The party that did not end until Monday night. Like I said the other day, it was a great weekend... A great weekend riddled with substances of the inebriatin' kyynd.

Then MONday came crashing down, like it always does. Monday and reality. Reality sucks the salt offa chimps balls. I know I don't have a big problem, but a developing one. I've been enjoying drinking a little too much, especially since I've gotten with Ron. We've discussed this several times. He knows he has a problem, too. A functioning alcoholic is what he calls himself. He told me this in the beginning... He doesn't drink hard liquor from morning 'til night, but he still drinks a helluva lotta beer.

So...Monday. I was depressed and emotional as hell again. At one point my brother Steve popped up on the IM to tell me about his new job possiblity. He might be moving to Virginia. Fuck. But that's another story. I made the mistake of complaining to him about my mood, the drinking too much, Rons shitty schedule... Next thing ya know he's asking if he can be truthful. UH-OHhhh. Ya see, my brother has known Ron for a long time, since Ron is best friends with our cousin Mark. Our cousin Mark who also has his own set of alcohol and drug problems. He basically told me that he wants me to be sure of what I'm getting into. That Ron is a good guy, but he's got a sordid past. That he's worried because our relationship seems to be moving very fast. That his gut is telling him no. He said that I deserve someone who has their shit more together because I'm still working on getting MY shit together. This made me burst into tears. He told me not to panic and to just think good and hard about what I'm doing. That I'm a smart person and he's concerned for me. He said that so long as I'm happy, it's fine, but that I should really think about my future.

Of course this has made me worried sick. Ron is a wonderful man and I really DO want to marry him. I see how smart he is and how he is trying to clean up his act now that he has found someone that he loves and wants to build a life with. But he is still human. He still has habits that his rough life has given him. He didn't have a healty family life at all. He didn't EVER have the support he needed. He got disappointed A LOT by people he trusted. He couldn't depend on anyone but himself. We HAVE talked about these things, like I've mentioned before... He tells me that I have nothing to worry about, that he has the right plan and he knows what he needs to do. That it won't always be this way. I see him making steps and I love the fact that I've been able to help him so much. He HAS gotten quite far since we first got together. But now I'm just worried sick about the future. I want him to talk to someone. I don't want to be his therapist. I want to go with him to talk to a counselor before we get married. He's been somewhat receptive to counseling...but then he'll go backwards and say that he doesn't need anyone to tell him what to do, that he KNOWS what he needs to do. Typical stubborn man. I feel compelled to help him, even though my brother says that it's not my job. He is worth it to me. He is a good man.

So I've started with myself... I have to lead by example. If I can be sober, so can he. We can do this together. We CAN get our shit together. Hell, we ARE getting our shit together. I'm gong to work on myself, work on being STRONG for him. I'm not going to have so many breakdowns in front of him. I'm not going to keep nagging him about his drinking. I'm going to find the right time to bring up the counseling again...the key is not to nag or get all huffy like I always do because that just makes him not want to do it. I love him and he is worth it to me. That's all that matters.

Grubba grubba blahblah

Just a quick update today. I'm busy at work. Great weekend. Grrrreeaaaat weeeeeeeeekennnddd. We had parties, we had BBQs, we met new people and we even made it to the beach for a bike ride. We didn't go out of town like we'd planned weeks ago. Well, didn't really "plan"...we're terrible at that. I don't know if we'll be able to afford the little weekend trip we wanna take sometime soon. We can try though. There's still a little hope. We had lots of fun this weekend though. Another scorcher, that was the only bad part. I'm ready for the heat to go away now. I want fall...I LOVE fall weather. Most of all I want to cuddle again.

I was on an emotional rollercoaster this morning due to PMS, too much drinking over the weekend and a change in schedules...Ron goes back to nights this week. I gotta learn to handle that better. I'm tired of telling myself that, along with telling myself a lot of things. Nothing is easy...I've said it a million times. I'm trying not to think about all the little things that bother me and it's working to get me through the rest of this day. I'm on that tip of emotional hell where just ONE little thing can set me off on a crying spree. Gettin' a grip now. For now.

And a moment of silence for Steven Irwin...

The news of his death hit me pretty hard. That guy could be so annoying, but what a beautiful soul. You could tell he really cared, he did so much for animals. Rest in peace, mate.

*sigh*

Okay, gotta go get packing done. Later.

DUH-rooooo-EL

The obsession continues...



*swoon*

And Ron is feeding it! He gave me an awesome Fantomas t-shirt last night. I love it love it LOVE it! And I love Ron. Yes EYE doooooh! My poopie man. Poospie-poh-poh.

YAYez...

I am weirdin' out this marnin', case ya couldn't tell. It's the coffee. Too much shooogar in duh kahffee. Mmm-hmmm. And it's FRY DAY. Before a LONG WEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekend! Weeweeweeweeeeeeeeekend! Whutter we gon' do? Play it by the 'ol ear like we always do. But we're gonna do it outside by the beach because it's s'posed to be a hottie.

This is a short entry. I must go work. I must go do something before I become a useless blob 'o pippernickel. Don't ask...