Touched...

Whilst avoiding the tedious work ahead, I thought of something I forgot to mention about the funeral...

At the end of the service we were ushered from the back toward the altar, where the deceased lay in the (*gulp*) open casket. We would pay our respects and exit to the side. I made my way up the line, trying to decide whether or not I wanted to say goodbye to an embalmers restorative art. Then I got to Henry, the brother of the deceased. The look on his face when he saw me was one of the sweetest I'd ever seen. His large, blue, bloodshot eyes instantly filled with tears as he let out a little "oh" and opened his arms to give me a hug. Of course this made my heart plummet and my eyes run over with tears as I hugged him. He was genuinely touched that I was there and it made me feel all warm and fluffy in muh heart. Yea.

I did go up to the casket and say goodbye to Horace. He didn't look half bad, they'd done a nice job of presenting him in a relaxed state. I actually sidetracked and read a little about an embalmers job while in the middle of writing this. Wow...what a job. For only those special people out there. Yea. Thanks a lot, fellas. Really.

SO.

That's it. End of story. I'm 'on get over it now. Time to move on with life. Some of us were even talking about another camping trip at the house after the funeral. Maybe even to the river. I know it's cliche, but really...Horace would have wanted it that way. Get over it and keep grabbing life by the balls. Besides, it's still a beautiful, peaceful place. I do believe I've learned the lesson I was supposed to from all this. We'll be taking a rope and/or floating device with us on future trips to rivers known for their dangerous currents. Uh-huh. Yea.

Okay, seriously. Enough doodling on the internet. No, Ron honey. I DO work at work. I totally don't blog all day. Totally. I'm SO working, man. Working my ass off. Where's the fax machine? Gimme some WORK.

Bye.

A Sad Goodbye and a Pregnant Bride

*whew*

What a weekend... I've never attended both a funeral and wedding within 48 hours. Very interesting, I must say. There's a range of emotions, especially magnified when one is suffering from PMS. No, it's not an excuse...it is very real. I think I might need to change my pills because I've never had such strong symptoms.

Awww...thanks very much for all of your condolences, ya'll 'er sweet. What a tough week, one of the longest I've ever experienced. The funeral was on Saturday and I went with Melanie and her boyfriend. It the was the catharsis I needed. The service was held at a lovely local funeral home in a church atop a hill. The place was surrounded by trees and dappled sunlight. Such a relaxing and beautiful atmosphere, not to mention perfect weather. There was a slideshow of his life at the beginning, pictures from his life, his family and friends... He was only 53. He didn't have any children of his own, but many nieces and nephews that adored him. Not surprisingly he was considered the "fun" uncle. No shit. Near the end of the slide show were pictures from that last day of his life. There was even video. I didn't realize someone was filming me that mornig as I walked around with no bra in my ratty t-shirt and shorts. Ah...but such are the joys of camping. Anyway, those scenes naturally brought on the water works. Good thing Melanie thought ahead (as always) and brought some napkins. The following service was wonderful, and it was great to see so many friends and family come up to the mic and say a few words.

He was laid to rest next to other family members, under a huge evergreen on the side of a hill. A very steep hill. The balls of my feet got a workout that day. Then we headed to his house to celebrate his crazy life, as he would have wanted it. This means there was lots of booze. I was a good girl though, made sure not to get plastered. Everyone who was camping with us was at the funeral and the house. I enjoyed hanging out with them again. It was kind of like finishing what we had started that weekend.

I still have this sad feeling in my gut though... Like... I don't know. It's weird, I just have to get over it. In all my swirling emotions and PMS, it doesn't help that my new favorite music at the moment reminds me of that weekend. I had downloaded and gotten very into it before we left. I didn't want to risk bringing the ipod along since I'm still feeling the sting from the other one being stolen...so I had this music in my head the entire weekend. I attach tons of emotion to music so now every time I hear it I get this bittersweet feeling... But I like it. I can't explain it. Anyway, it'll pass.

Then there was the wedding. Rons friend Jay from work. Nice enough guy, don't know him too well. He and his fiance came to our wedding...I guess before they were engaged. I'm really not too crazy about weddings...not even my own. As I recall, I just wanted to get all the hubub OVERWITH. As simple elegant as possible without spending way too much money. I enjoyed it very much but I can say never, ever again. Weddings don't mean as much as they used to. This one was nice though. At the top of a mountain at a ranch. There was a waterfall, lots of trees with pretty lights hanging from them, their initials in flowers on the side of the hill...

It looked like there were a lot of chicks involved. A lot of chicks with tattoos. They're so common now. I'm getting kind of tired of seeing them, actually. I mean, I know I have them but shit...at least they're slightly inconspicuous. Some of these girls had these huge things on the backs of their calves, on their thighs, traling from their shoulders to their elbows... One even had a tattoo on the back of her neck and behind her ear! I'm sorry but, EW. I finally got a closer look of the neck tat later on and realized it was a heart with a pair of scissors cutting through it. GROSS. How fucking immature can you get?! Yes, someone broke your heart...MUST you post it on your NECK? UGH. I couldn't get close enough to see what was behind her ear. But I'm so sure those things are gonna look killer when she's 60.

Okay, so I remember Ron telling me about how Jay got this girl knocked up at the beginning of their relationship and that she already had another kid from a previous relationship. I also remember Ron telling me that her engagement ring cost $8,000. Those things kinda made me sick. Then I remember Ron telling me she lost the kid. That kinda made me sad. Fast forward to the wedding, and there's the beautiful bride (she really did look beautiful, few brides don't) walking up the isle in a dress that sorta makes her look pregnant. Is she pregnant?! HUH? Turns out she's 7 months, according to the drunken new sister-in-law who yelled it out during her speech.

*sigh*

I guess that's they way things are now. I mean, my own sister-in-law was two months along when they got married 15 years ago. They were 21 and 22. They're still together, but that's a rarity these days. It's depressing. I'm so tired of people bringing children into the mix so soon. But I have to remember, not everyone is the same. Not everyone is afraid to have children, like I am. That's the thing that's been bothering me. AGAIN. I can't get it out of my head. And last night I was terribly emotional and wanted so badly to go home and stop having to pretend I was interested in what was going on. But not until after we ate, of course. Mmmmm...prime rib...beer...wine... Still didn't want to be around those people. Then I started getting down on myself for not wanting to give Ron a child right now. I'm just not ready. WE'RE not ready. And that's OKAY. I have to get that through my curly head. I feel left out though. Like, I should have already done it by now. Like, WHY don't I want to? Why can't I get over this? I have to stop thinking about it so much. DUH. THAT'S why I can't get over it. And it's not easy to get over when I'm constantly hearing or reading about pregnancies...many of which are in unhealthy situations. It's frightening how many men out there have "two families". It's sickening.

I can't keep thinking about it like I do. I'm becoming far too bitter about the whole thing. It'll happen if it's gonna and that's it. I can't let my stupid insecurity do this to me. I've still got this insecurity and I know that's what makes me very bitter and angry sometimes. Like, I constantly compare myself when there really IS NO COMPARISON. I need to go jog now. Maybe that'll put me in a better, not quite so "blah" mood. It IS a gorgeous day out.

You never think it could happen to you...

And then, just like that...tragedy strikes. I'm not doin' too well today. Ya see, my vacation started out all well and good, but things took quite a turn on Saturday.



Thursday was fun. It was nice to spend the morning with Ron. Then I met up with Melanie and Tyra for lunch, something I never get to do because I work too far away and only have a half hour for lunch. I picked up food on the way, picked them up from work and we headed to a nearby park for a leisurely summer lunch. We ate and chatted at a picnic table, in the shade of a lovely tree. Ahhhh...



After I dropped them back at work, I headed for the aquarium shop to pick up my chiller. I thought only cold water tanks, or tanks with tons of lighting needed chillers. Turns out that even the tropical reef fish need cooler temps. They don't do well with temps in the 80's all the time. It's best for the fish to have temps at roughly 72 ~ 78 degrees. Makes sense though. Just think about how big and deep the ocean is, compared to the lakes and streams freshwater fish come from. There are all sorts of factors that affect the much more sensitive saltwater fish in a closed system. SO...before I get all fishy-technical again... I got the chiller and set it all up myself. No gysers and no leaks! Amazing! I kept going back to check my connections, expecting a disaster at any moment. Didn't happen...and the expensive new toy works great. Cooled the tank from the 82 degrees it was at all week to a nice 77, in just a few hours. Yay.



By the time I got the chiller sitch squared away, Melanie was home from work. So I headed to her house for our weekly bike ride. After our ride we headed to the grocery store to pick up all the goodies we'd need for the camping trip. Meat... Check. Alcohol... Check. Water... Check. Wood... Check. S'mores ingredients... Check. I also picked up some groceries for home, since I'd put off grocery shopping for about a month by then. Bad me. I just HATE shopping of any kind. Especially at night, after a long hot day and a bike ride. We got home at ten and by the time we were done unloading, I was so exhausted. So I went home so I could unload the essential fridge stuff and hit the hay.



Friday I packed in like an hour... It was no surprise when I discovered I'd forgotten my deoderant later on in the trip. *SIGH* I ALWAYS forget my damn deorderant! Oye. And Melanie and I can never, ever manage to leave for a trip in the morning hours. It's no matter that we have the day off. I mean, get up early? What for?? Hah. We'd shot for leaving at 11 a.m., which in our time frame means 2:00 p.m., which is exactly when we finally got on the road. Well, 2:30 actually. It was a HOT drive to the river, with a couple a stops to eat and pee...we made it there by about 7:30 p.m. Ugh. But it was wonderful to see that the boys had us all set up.



We met up with Melanie's old camping group from high school. That's actually where she first met her boyfriend...camping in high school. Then they met up again ten years later and started dating. Interesting... Anyway, it was Melanie's boyfriend I.G., his two friends who're brothers, C.O. and R.O., their cousin M, his girlfriend J, L and her boyfriend D and a couple other friends of the group C and R. Yea. Got all that? Later that evening, the brother's father H.O. and uncle H.O. (yes, there's two of them, just try to keep up) joined us.



Friday evening was a blast...well, what I remember of it. Ya see, the boys had built a makeshift "bar" with some planks of wood. They built it onto a tree branch and even re-enforced the thing with two-by-fours dug into the dirt hill behind it. So once we got there, we started drinkin'. And eatin'. And drinkin'. And smokin'. A great time was had by all. I even managed to smear chocolate all over my face, arms and thighs at some point during the evening 'cause I woke up all chocolatey (and headachey) on Saturday morning. Well...not ALL over...it was pretty streaky. But it was plenty sticky. Good thing I was just on top of the covers.



So we had a great breakfast, made by M's lovely girlfriend J. I think I rolled out at about 8 a.m....she'd been up since 7 just a cookin' away. There were bagels, hash browns, eggs, bacon AND sausage. Oh, and flour tortillas. I made myself a helluva breakfast burrito. Then we spent much of the morning lounging around the campsite. It was so relaxing. Just thinking about it makes me long to turn the clock back and spend that day differently...to be able to finish the day without the relaxing camping experience being destroyed by catastrophe.



Awright, so I'll stop beating around the bush. Hah. Pun intended... We naturally went down to the river bank as it got hotter so we could tool around in the water. The boys enjoyed swimming across the river to a big rock and taking jumps off it. Something I didn't dare try because a.) the water was literally just above freezing (think about the ice water contests as a kid, who can hold their arm/hand/foot in the ice water longest without losing a limb) and I'm getting too old to try to 'get used' to that kind of cold and b.) I prefer my face the way it is, not scraped off by a jagged edge. So we're hanging out, drinking beers and relaxing. The uncle, H.O...of the brothers R.O. and C.O., comes down to join us. Uncle H.O. is an older gentleman, about 62. I'm not sure where his brother H.O. was at this point... There's about 7 of us at the shore now, Melanie and I, the uncle, R.O., L, uncle H.O. and a snobby family of three or four. I won't get into why they were snobs...they just bugged me. Huh. What else is new?

Anyway, we were all talking and I was trying to get used to the water so I could swim across the river with Melanie's boyfriend. He kept asking me to go with them, but I didn't want to just yet. I had more "getting used to" to do, which I doubted would happen. I finally gave up and sat down next to Melanie, telling her there was probably no way I could swim in the frozen water. That's when Melanie suddenly pointed to the middle of the river...

"Is that H.O.?!", she asked in a panic stricken voice.

I'm thinking...he didn't go in the WATER did he?? This is because the man is not only older and overweight, he also happens to be diabetic! I'm guessing it was the beer the helped him decide that it was okay to swim.

"You guys, YOU GUYS! LOOK!" Melanie's frantically pointing out the man drifting down the middle of the river, who was indeed H.O. He's looks completely frozen with panic and is obviously unable to swim. By the time we start to react he's drifted dangerously close to the upcoming rapids. Mind you, we weren't hanging out too close to the rapids...we WERE in a calm spot between them. But if you're not a great swimmer and not wearing a life jacket...

*sigh*

You can probably guess what happens next. We're all on the shore flailing our arms, yelling his name, yelling for him to SWIM! SWIM! as we watch him yell for help. I.G. and C.O., who had joined him for the swim across, are swimming toward him as fast as they can. But they were too far behind. In all the commotion, a few of us thought we saw him make it to the side just before the rocks. Melanie, L and I run up the hill to the campsite so we can find a car and drive downstream. M and J pull up in their truck just in time for us to jump in and tell him the news. We take off down the road along the river, stopping to ask the random people we come across if they've seen a man in the river. Time keeps passing and passing as we run back and forth, up and down... No one's seen him.

We end up about two miles downstream and pull up next to the rafting group we'd seen going by earlier, a little while before uncle H.O. entered the picture... Most of the rafters are over to the side and one of the guides walks up to the truck. By this time we're almost completely hysterical...I'm climbing over, trying to get out when I hear the guide say that they found him and it's not good. I'm thinking he's badly hurt...until I hear the words, "He didn't make it." M, J, Melanie, L and I all burst into tears. I don't know how we got out of the truck. I'm completely shocked and disoriented, devastated...I get a peek over the edge down to the river bank and see a raft and legs... White legs...

Then I'm nauseous, dizzy, light headed...I don't know whether to puke or shit. Overwhelming sadness that's still in my gut today as I try despirately to get through this slow work day. After hearing the horrible news, we jump into another truck, I think it was R's, as he was just about to leave before the incident... We rush back to the campsite to find everyone else...

The rest of the afternoon was nothing short of one of the most depressing days of my life. It's one thing to hear about someone dying...but to actually witness it is something else. I mean, I've had my share of deaths in my family and group of friends, but never this close to home. The closest was the day my cousin died in a motorcycle accident. This was just awful. Even though I had only known the guy for not even 24 hours... We spent a few hours just roaming the campsite in shock. Crying, yelling out in anger, sitting around staring at the ground. Every time I looked at his brother, H.O., my eyes welled up with tears. Kinda like they are now. I can't think about it without crying. Melanie's poor boyfriend, I.G. This guy was like family to him, moreso than his own. I know how he feels, too, 'cause we have family friends that are just like that. I couldn't imagine...

Needless to say, we didn't stick around another night. None of us could stand looking at that river anymore. After a few hours of mourning, hugging and crying, we packed up and left. Melanie and I had driven out together, so after we helped the others clean up, we took off for the long ride home. We got home at around midnight, both physically and metally exhausted. I'm so glad I took Monday off 'cause I just couldn't go to work. I made it in yesterday, but went home early after breaking down in tears while telling the story to the coworkers. I wanted to be alone. Or with someone who'd experienced it. Like Melanie. I went to her house last night for a bit...just to hang.

So uhm...that was my vacation in a nutshell. Very emotional. I can't write anymore right now. I have to try to get a little work done...not to mention eat. I've got an appetite again. The funeral is this Friday or Saturday. Even though I didn't really know him too well, I knew and enjoyed his company in his last hours. I must go pay my respects. I'm onna go get 'em a card, too. Poor poopies. Poor, poor poopies.

*SIGH*

Later...

Gettin' the hell outta here for a few days...

FINALLY! The last day at work before my vacation! Guess where my head is? Well, it's already gone. Ugh...must CoNcEnTraTe. But first, here are some random pictures from my cell phone.

We'll start with the reason I got a stupid camera phone in the first place. For times like this...


When you're at the grocery store and you put a box of spaghetti, that happens to be open on one end, in your cart. Mmm-hmmm, I was snapping this just as a guy came around the corner. We had a good laugh as he helped me clean up my mess. Ha. Haha.

Next is...


Waiting in the car for Ron while he's in the bank. Oooh, I think I'll take a picture of myself in my new prescription sunglasses! Aren't they perdy?

And then there's an old one of Gerdy the black angel I lost right before I set up the salt tank...


This was when the fresh tank was doing very well. Before the dreaded snail outbreak of '07.

Mmm-hmmm. Going on another little adventure. I'll be sure to bring a camera. We're going to the Kern River again like we did back in back in July 2005. Same place, same Melanie but a different group of people. We're going with Melanie's boyfriend and a few of their friends they both knew back in high school. Should be fun.

Oh yes, and I think it's time to let go of a friendship. I mean REALLY LET GO this time. I haven't heard from M in ages and I so I randomly text her yesterday...only to get the reply, "Who's this?" I reply with, "It's Jooliepoooo, just sayin' hi. Gimme a call sometime." Then I get no answer after that. I TOLD myself I wouldn't contact her anymore, dammit! Why did I do it? Maybe she'll call. But the polite thing would have been to say, "Oh, hi!" or at least SOMETHING. Doncha think? Like I've said during my other insecure fits, it's no big deal. Who needs her? Especially when she got all bent out of shape when I didn't have her as a bridesmaid. Seriously. How many HINTS do I need?!

Awright. Time to go to lunch with Ronnie. I gotta go! Laytah!

I left my nano in San Francisco

So, this weekend I finally uploaded the pictures of our San Francisco trip. Wanna see? Kay...


The mens bathroom at the train station on the night we left. Isn't that precious?


Some of the view from the long ass train ride there. We left at 2 a.m. and were at the outskirts by about 9 a.m.


*HOOOOOONK!* *HONK!!!* *HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNKKKK!!!*
*CHUGGAChuggaCHUGGAchuggaCHUGGAchuggaCHUGGAchugga*
*HOOONKK!!!!* *HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNKK!!!!!* *HOO-OnK!*
*CHUGGAchuggaCHUGGAchuggaCHUGGAchuggaCHUGGAchugga*


Oooh...old broken pier. Lovely shot, hon. Yes, all pictures courtesy of my hubby the shutterbug.


One of many that will be added to the "Sleeping upright with mouth hanging open" series, to be chronicled here at a later date. I finally fell asleep during the last hour on the *HHHOOOOONNKKK!!!!!!* *CHUGGAchuggaCHUGGAchugga* train.


Just off the bus, before hailing a cab, we see this lovely work of art. I must explore!


*sspssfftsspspseespeespee*


The view from our window at the Beresford. Ah yes, pleasantries of the city...


Getting ready for our long walk on Saturday.

And some wonderful Ronnie shots...
















Whooo... I get cold just looking at these again! It was such a chilly morning...






Saran Wrap - The surefire way to keep your beemer safe in the city.






Awwww...lookit tha biiirrdy!


The Golden Gate in clouded Glory.


Customary couple on vacation shot.




The evil address.


Get it on!


The hotel we stayed at, from which my new nano I'd acquired the week before was gingerly stolen from my purse. Or so I've concluded. I discovered it was missing while waiting at the train station to go home. Note to self...write down the serial number on the unit. I have done this with the replacement I purchased a week later. I went ahead and upgraded from the 8 gig nano to an 80 gig iPod...just to help dry my tears. Damn you, thieves!






Some nice shots as we were leaving the city... It was a great trip, despite the long train ride and stolen nano. The meals were fantastic! We had pizza at this little place called "Piraats" on the corner across from the hotel. Spinach and mushroom...aahhh...mouth watering...some of the best pizza I've ever had! And the Prime Rib dinner at the Beresford restaurant on Saturday night was hEavAnLy sCrUmPtiOus!

Yea, my hubby put together a great little birthday/anniversary trip. He's so good at planning things. I need to learn from him and plan our next little getaway. I suck at planning and could learn a thing or two from him!

Anyway, that's all for now. I need to get on with my Monday.

The LAST drawing...

Yaaaaaaaaaaaay! This is the one I really can't wait to see colored. It's gonna look so beautiful with some depth.

Well, that's all I have time for right now. Having another busy day here. Buh-bye for now.

Drawing with the birdies

There I am, with my lil' 'ol birdie pals...just drawing away. I've finished quite a few drawings in the past few weeks. I've got one more that's almost finished, an underwater scene. It's gonna look SO GORGEOUS when it's colored! All of the drawings are coming out beautifully in water color. We were supposed to be done by the end of May, but have had to push it back a little. But it's coming, it's COMING. I'm almost FINISHED with something! Yay, me!

Last weeks mood has drifted into this week a little bit, but I'm trying not to let it. I'm into the exercising again this week, that's good news. At least I feel like going out and doing something. This week. We'll see about next week...OH WAIT! Next week I go on a mini vacation! I'm taking Thursday and Friday off so Mel and I and a couple of our friends can head up to the river again like we did three years ago. I love camping! It seems like I never get to do it, it's been way too long again. I hope nothing comes up because I really need this...as I've stated about six thousand times before.

It's funny how when I'm feeling bad, I like to buy things for the pets. Lately it's been the saltwater tank, but last Friday I decided that the lovebirds needed a new flight cage. I had gotten an indoor aviary from a friend last year, but it's too big for the livingroom so that's gone into storage for another place and another time... Meanwhile, the lovies, who adore their flying time, have been crammed in a small cage. About a month ago I'd found a nice, great priced flight cage at a bird store close to work. I told myself I'd wait until I paid this and did that...but I just couldn't. And neither could Punkin' or Pickles. Ron and I picked up the cage with his old truck, 'cause it was too big to fit in my car. The thing is gorgeous...it's all set up now with perches, swings and playthings. The birds are in seventh heaven, flying back and forth, swinging, climbing all over... It's great, now I don't have to feel guilty on birdie-in-cage days. Toby is still in his smaller cage, but that's fine for just him. He still gets to play in the flight cage during out time. Sometimes I close him in there to play with the lovies and that works fine, too.

Well, I'm off to eat something. It's already one and I have tons more to do.

What a WHINE-FEST

I'm so glad this week is almost over. It's been a toughie. But it's all in my crazy widdle head. I'm downright certifiable! I think I'm gonna go toss myself off a freeway overpass today. Then again, maybe not. There is plenty to live for! Live! LIVE! I want to liiiiivvvve! Does anybody care? No. And that's fine. I care. I care too much. Now let's go finish having a nice day, shall we? OKAY!

Misery and Inventory

It took a lot of strength not to just call in depressed today. I dragged my ass here... Wow, what a difference a little epiphany makes. It's like the events of the past week...well, they weren't really "events", moreso things flowing through my ever-tangled mind. I met with the people I'm doing the book with and the discussion we had made me see things at my workplace in a new light. My boss in a new light. And also, going to my old house kinda made me step back and look again. I feel I need to make a change before I go crazy.

Before I contine, allow me the usual disclaimer... Boss has been good to me, has given me confidence, has taught me so much. She's basically a nice person. She is a smart business person. I admire her accomplishments...

BUT...

I am tired of hearing about them. If I hear, "I'm so proud of myself", ONE MORE TIME... I need a vacation. I need to get away from her and this office. I need to see my husband more than twice a week. I need more freedom. I know I have plenty here...just look what I'm doing instead of inventory...but...it's just the Catholic guilt. I feel bad for having these feelings of resentment toward my boss suddenly flood my mind. I can't take her rudeness, her snobbery anymore. I need a break. It's my fault for allowing her to say these things to me. I shouldn't stand for it. I have to talk to her again and tell her I need some time to myself. This commute is killing me. No time to catch up at home. No energy. I'm tired of being a peon. I'm not headed in the right direction. Or am I? I just need to get out of here. I want to go home so badly, but I can't. No...I have to do fucking inventory. I've put it off as long as I can now.

Time to go. I have to post pictures. That reminds me...Ron needs to email me pictures.

Overwhelmed

I haven't felt this way in a while... I'm feeling awful. I don't know how to stop worrying. I'm so depressed it hurts. It's weird because things have been fine. I even got to tour the house I grew up in yesterday. I haven't seen those rooms in 10 years. I spent the first 20 years of my life there. Maybe the nostalgia went bad? It's like...I wanna go back. I hate being an adult and having to make all of these decisions, having all this responsibility, having to do all of these things day in and day out, never having time to do what I want to do because I have to clean this or work on that or finish that or work out my fat ass or drive here or pick up that... Never ending, mundane duties that are only going to multiply as the years go by.

What's wrong with me? I'm supposed to want to do all of these things. I'm supposed to want to have a baby. I'm supposed to want to work toward my goals. I'm supposed to have confidence in myself, my abilities. I'm supposed to do these things in real life instead of writing about it on the internet. It's that old, helpless feeling in my stomach again. All the "what ifs" are drowning me. I feel so lost. I have to find something. I know I have to find faith in this hideous mess. I know I'm not alone, but why do I feel so alone?

It's like we're all constantly babbling to each other...on Myspace, on the internet, on the cell phone...yet we don't hear each other. We don't listen. We're too busy worrying about ourselves and wanting others to give a shit, when they really don't. They're just worried about saving their own asses. Everyone is just daydreaming through life. Doing what they have to do because they think that's what's expected of them. Droning on...what the fuck's the point? It's been done before! What do you want?! I feel as though I'm surrounded by power-hungry, money-grubbing, rude, selfish fucks. We're all so busy with our day to day bullshit that we don't stop to even acknowledge a neighbor...even when they're in the same FUCKING LAUNDRY ROOM AS YOU, BITCH. Would it hurt to turn around and say hello?! I'M TIRED OF ALWAYS BEING THE BIGGER PERSON.

I have to get rid of this anger, this resentment toward humanity. It's not fair to myself. I don't have to be this unhappy. It's just always the same the same the SAME and I'm so TIRED OF IT.

BANG YO' HAYED!

I got to do that again this weekend. We went to a sold-out Iron Maiden concert on Saturday night. Ron got us amazing seats, all the way in the front row of seats, right behind the pit. We could feel the heat of the pyrotechnics. It was rad. Like...totally! Hehehe... Bruce Dickenson had his usual crazy pants on, too. I'll post the pics Ron got with his phone, he got some great shots! I hope it was able to get the giant Eddie that came out. It's so cute, them and their Eddie. And it's always a plus when we get a good crowd around us. Shiny happy people. Some of them were a little TOO shiny and happy, but that's fine by me. We were ALL happy an' we had FUN. My neck is sore again from punching the air and banging my head like a hyper teenager. Another great memory made with my darling hubby. My cute lil' fanny-head.

So...I'ma gonna have to start posting pictures of my adventures as of late. I've got SF, fish tank progress and Iron Maiden. I'll have to remember to turn the damn computer on at home, lately I've been a little burnt on the computer. Then again, lately I'm pretty much burnt on everything, but that's another story. The same story... ANYway, I will get the pics soon 'cause it's much more fun to tell a story with lots of nice piccies. That's what I like about blogging, you get to add pictures! Wheee!

Later!

Burnt OUT

You know how you need a vacation after a vacation? Yea. That's how I feel today. The SF trip was nice, but not without its pitfalls. I'm still so burnt out. I need more time at home to clean. The house is such a hairy mess it's rediculous. And I'm...just...annoyed today. I'll be back with some pictures from our trip. In the meantime, I need to go put my head in the toilet. Have a nice day.

Officially thirty-SUMthin'

Man, I sure love this time of year. Not only is it my favorite season, it's the time of wedding anniversaries and birthdays! I'm a whole 31 years old today...now officially a thirty-something. This is when time really starts to fly. I guess that means I have to get as much enjoyment out of things as I can. That also means continuing to keep the childish spirit. I can grow older and wiser, but I never want to lose the childish sillies.

The picture of me blowing out the candle is from last year. I miss my long hair, it looks so pretty in that picture. Ever since I gave myself a hair cut, it's taking forever to grow back. I didn't listen to myself, I should never have cut it shorter than ponytail length. *sigh* Oh well, if that's my only regret this year, I'm doing pretty damn great.

I'm looking forward to a few celebrations during this week. Gonna meet my makers (mommy an' daddy) tonight for dinner. And as a special treat, my darling hubby is gonna be home tonight to join us. Yay! This weekend he's taking me to San Francisco for our long overdue weekend trip. He hasn't ever been, and I haven't been there for about 8 years...not since my brother lived there. My parents and I would go up there almost every year to visit my brother, he lived there for about 10 years. It's one of the few cities I can tolerate and I can't wait to experience it with my poopie-head.

Things are continuing to thrive into this second month of the saltwater tank being established. I now have four fish and a whole lotta little critters. Woo. It's looking very nice. The last couple of fish I got are lovely, another tang and a blenny. They're cool because they actually swim out in the open. The week before I left I got a goby. I've seen that guy only once since last Thursday. Damn thing likes to burrow... I don't think I'll be getting another goby because many of them like to stay buried. I should have read up on them before I got one. I hope he's not destroying my invertebrate population in the sand, 'cause I need those little worms and tiny crustaceans. I guess we'll see. I can be confident though, that if mister goby dies, he will promptly be eaten by one or both of the penis snails, who also stay buried most of the time.

Hmmm...what else...

Oh yea! One other exciting thing...I FINALLY got my car air conditioner recharged! It only took me four summers to do it! I'm so happy, I now have air conditioning at home AND in the car! Life is sweet.

Okay, it's time to finish this day at work so I can go home and have fun! Later!

...and his answer...

My husband is fucking hilarious!  Check out his answer to my email from this morning...

"First of all, I love to read and write you moron. Stop forgetting shit. Secondly (Is that a word), I didn't call you last night cuz your messaghe went straight to voicemail cause my phone sucks and I didn't get it til late last night you fruit loop. There is always a reason, sound familiar.

Paragraph form is cool, happy to hear about the solidity of your stool. Wow I can hardly gnoochi.

Your squid analogy was awesome I laughed so hard my lol fell out. I'm gonna call you now so I can hear your backward ebonic euphamisms. See yuh insany..."

HAHAHAHAHA!!!  GAWD I miss him!!!  Fanny head...

Anyway, I just got back from my visit to downtown Chicago.  It was pretty, but I musta walked 40 miles trying to find a damn Chicago dog.  I was starving to death by the time I ate.   I spent the whole afternoon just walking around the city.  Of course I forgot a camera, but I was able to get some nice shots of buildings and lake with my cell phone.  Woo.  I'm just not a city person at all.  I couldn't give a shit.  The architecture was gorgeous and all that but...I don't know, it's just another lousy city full of assholes and filth.  I mean, downtown was gorgeous, but I walked a little past it and it was shithole.  I got solicited several times for money, charity, change...yuck!  Plus, I'm sorta broke so I really couldn't buy anything or do anything.  I was gonna stay 'til 8 p.m. but got bored and left an hour earlier.

Now my feet are killing me.  I should have brought tennis shoes.  I've got these major calluses that I really need to shave off when I get home...  They hurt like hell right now!  EW!  And even my hip joints hurt.  Fuck.  I'm just gonna stay in my room and order room service.  I don't wanna see another human being until tomorrow.  I'm SO homesick.  I wanna go hoooommmeee!  Not only do I miss my hubby, I miss my stupid pets!  I'm so attached to my zoo.  People just don't understand...  I love them like kids.  Man, just wait until I have an actual child...  I have a lotta love to give...

So, seeing as though I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, I'm 'onna go throw my stinking self in the shower.

CHOW for NOW.  Chow.  Ceao.  How you spell it?  Geez.  I'm Italian and I can't spell Caoe.  cao.  I can't think of it at the moment so BYE.  Or Buy.  Or Bi.  Bie bie.

Emails to your hubby from miles away

Where are your nipples?  Over there, alla way in L.A. I wanna nibble on em'. I wanna smell your fuzzy earlobes. I miss you so damn much I can't stand it. *sigh* I had 65 dreams about you last night. I was trying to find you in most of them. Why didn't you call me back last night? I don't care if you wake me, I wanna talk to you! WHAAAHHH!!!!!

Sorry I bitched in you ear yesterdee. I was pisshole. Today is Chicago day. I slept until noon. I gotta get off my ass and go to the city. It was gorgeous weather the last couple of days and now it's hideous out. I don't wanna go but I really should. I wish you were with me.

I had four screwdrivers before I went to bed last night. I was three deep by the time I went to dinner with Edna, which made things oh so much more tolerable. Then I had pee dreams all night. I was looking for a toilet in between looking for you. And then there were the random Mike Patton appearances. I still hadda pee. I'm so weird.

Oh! I'm finally doing solid poops now. Isn't that great?! No more diarreeehhh! 'Cept my farts smelled like gnocchi this morning. Have you ever eaten a whole baby squid? It's like eating cartilage and eraser, but supposedly it's a delicacy. Yea.

That is all. I miss you and I hadda write you a long ass email, even though you don't like to read or write. Oh well. You'll learn. It's fun to read bullshit.

I love you, anus wart.

Your insane wife

Ooooh, I fit in with the business people...

WOW!  I'm SO cool!  I get to sit tapping away at a laptop and look important like all the other business-type folks here.  Where is here?  Why, it's at a hotel in Chicago.  I'm typing this from my room.  Isn't that AWESOME?  Like, OH MY GAWD!  I get to use the internet, like, ANYWHERE!  Eventually I will get used to it.  It's still kinda new to me.  But man is it a luxury to have something to do in my room, other than reading or watching t.v.  'Cause I ain't leavin' my room for nuthin but eating and drinking.  I have NO desire to hang out with these people.  

So I'm here 'til Thursday.  Today we had six meetings and tomorrow we have about six or seven more.  It's going quite well so far, they really like our stuff and our outlook.  They like what we've done with the company since that loser left us last year.  It's his loss.  He used to come to these meetings with my boss, but seeing as the douchebag screwed us over, it seems he can't show his face around these parts anymore.

If you follow that big, long link up there, you can refresh your memory on what an incredibe pile of shit my old boss turned out to be.  This company had one hell of a year last year.  But we seem to have come through it unscathed...so far anyway.  They like the website and many of them are trying to shift to the web.  It's just hard to get some of the older generations to get into it, but it'll happen.  Slowly but surely, as long as we continue to watch our asses.

I entrusted hubby with the zoo...  He's doing well so far, even let the birdies out for some flight time last night.  I asked him to please let them out at least once while I was gone 'cause they'll get cabin fever if they're caged for four days straight!  I also made sure to go over everything with him so he didn't like...give the fish bird seed or something.  You never know with men...

The saltwater tank is doing just swell.  This is week 10.  I purchased my second fish, a goby, on Friday.  First thing he did when I put him in there was make a burrow in the sand.  He's so cute, he likes to gulp up mouthfuls of sand and sift it out his little gills.  He's also made himself a little home under a rock.  He was eating well before I left, so I'm hoping he'll survive until I get home.  Oh, and Fred the penis snail is still alive!  He only comes out during feeding time and spends most of the time burrowing through the sand bed.  It's great for keeping things clean and moved around, so I got another one!  Now there are two little dicks sticking out of the sand at any given time. Awwww...

Well, it's almost time for dinner so that means I need to head down to the bar and have a drink before I meet the boss.  I dunno though...do I want to risk having to talk to someone?  Oye.  I'm so not in the mood.  Oh well.  I should risk it and at least be a little social.
 

Rectal Symphonies

Oh no, I'm not through yet. Hell no! At least not until my stomach starts behaving iteself again. Though I am feeling a bit better today. Not quite so bloated. Ya wanna know why? Well, ya see, gas has this way of, well...escaping. I knew it eventually had to come out and it chose to do so at about 1:30 this morning.

Poor little Ronnie sat on the couch, completely unaware of the explosions that were about to commence in the bathroom, a mere 10 feet from where he sat. I was completely immersed in a dream when I was awakened by intense bubbling in the lower intestines. Oh those bowels, they're reeeeeeeeeeeeeeally not happy these days. It was so weird, I totally felt it happen... From the lower-mid intestinal section, bubblin' on down to the gReAt BoWeLs. Then the *ooop!* You know the *oop* feeling, the one at the "end of the line", where those wonderful little sphincter muscles come into play. Thank goodness for nature's little 'o' rings, lemme tell ya. They help you make it those last crucial inches to toilet seat safety.

So my cheeks hit the seat and we had gas off. I had forgotten the human asshole was capable of such noises. Very, very grotesque noises. It was like a flappy, gassy stream of words, echoing through the bowl. And my ass has a terrible lisp. It sprays what it says sometimes... You can imagine, I don't need to spell out the sound here...

Wasn't long before I was fully awake and giggling like a nutball over the sounds eminating from what seemed like the depths of my soul. Once again, Ron came to investigate and once again, the look on his face was priceless. Imagine how a person would react when they witness a horrific car accident. Yep, hands over the mouth and everything. I musta sat there laughing and spurting for at least 20 minutes. Oh, but what a relief. I think the pasta and meatball dinner I'd had that evening hit the spot in more ways than one. Ah, but I'm Italian and pasta is always my medicine when I'm ready to eat after a stomach episode.

And that concludes yet another poopie entry by the lovely Seacreature, better known as Juliepoo. Have a great poop!

When you're runnin' for home and ya feel somethin' foam...

Owie. I am on the period from hell. I don't think I've had cramps this bad...ever. I was headed for a fun weekend, but we only got to do about half of what we wanted to 'cause I was sick. It started last Wednesday afternoon...I was just feeling a bit queasy and "off". My lower intestines felt like a brick had settled in and wasn't gonna leave. By Friday I felt really crappy, but had to go to work 'cause the boss was still outta town. I worked all day feeling achy and bloated. I went home a little early 'cause I was pulsating hot and bloated. Took my temp and I had a slight fever so I stayed in bed 'til Saturday morning. Well, tried to stay in bed when I wasn't up trying to poop. It's the most aweful feeling when you feel like you're gonna spackle the bowl but only a little diarreah dribbles out. Yea, I tol' ya this was gross. I woke up Saturday feeling a bit better, but still diarreah-y.

So here's the really gross part...which will probably guarantee no one reads this blog ever again...but uh... You know when ya have diarreah and ya really shouldn't fart? Well... I thought I was done. I was standing naked in front of the bathroom mirror, brushing my teeth after the poop and a shower. Felt a little gasser comin' on. Bent slightly to let 'er pass. Well, she sure did...all over the cabinets and floor. Yea. Never seen the hubby run so fast in my life. And it's so fun to clean up. Especially with two cats so anxious to check it out. I'm really surprised I didn't puke... It was awful. I must have sprayed more bleach and chemicals all over the sink, the cabinets, the floor...then I used half a roll of paper towels gettin' the shit up. Ugh... I'm not sure which was worse, the time I sat on the toilet and puked all over the floor in front of me (I was holding out my hand to "catch" it at first but it just kept going and going) or this. I dunno...shit or puke? Hmmm...

We only really managed to go see a movie on Saturday. Went to see the 1R0n MaN. It was good, first good movie I've seen in the theater in a long time. By the way, I hate the theater even more than I did before. We got it all, cell phones ringing, babies crying, freezing our asses off toward the middle of the movie and mister ants in his pants kicking my chair. Ah yes. And the comments. OH the comments. *sigh* All that PLUS ten thousand commercials and previews before the main feature. Yay! We pay through the nose for more advertisements! Wow! It's another fucking new car that looks like all the rest of the shiny bubbles on the road! Oh look! ANOTHER new cell phone! *SIGH*

Sunday was spent either in bed or on the couch trying to recover from whatever the fuck this is because I have a crazy busy week coming up. Boss is back tomorrow, which likely means running all over the place. Ow. I feel so bloated right now it's insane. I really need to go take something because I think I'm gonna explode again. I really want to feel better. Please go away, oh nasty stomach bug and period cramps. Please?

Okay, time to finish up here...I have to stay a little late 'cause I went home early. Peace, love and poop.

It's a good thing...

I took a picture of my tat when I first got it 'cause right now it resembles a slab of burnt bacon on my ankle. EWWW! The damn thing got a little infected, I think, as it's taking FORfuckingEVER to heal. I think I may have washed it a little too much for too long, so now I'm leaving it alone. I also kept putting lotion on it...bad bad. Shit, you'd think I'd know, I have FOUR of the damn things! But it's finally starting to feel better. It had started being very swollen, sore and oozy on Friday and continued through the weekend. I considered going to the doctor and possibly getting on antiboitics, but the pain has subsided. Hell, I don't have a fever, there are no red lines radiating from it (a REALLY bad sign...I think it's blood poisoning by then) and the swelling has gone WAY down. I ain't no pussy! I kin handle a lil' TATTOO! No, really...it's fine. Just a little...uh...crusty and lumpy right now. Yum. Betcha just wanna poke it, huh.

Anyway, life continues. Things are good. I'm getting my yearly raise soon. No, not THIS paycheck, NEXT paycheck. Ugh. I just paid hella taxes and I NEED MUNNY. Man, I learned my lesson with taxes this year. Next year, things'er gonna be different. I also have to get my car brakes done, haven't had them done in about 7 or 8 years! They're finally getting very squeaky on me. Well, the raise is good this year anyway so when it comes it'll be lovely. Yay!

In saltwater aquarium news, my one and only surviving fish is now disease free. He's swimming around happily and eating well. This is very good, being that the tank has been running for 8 weeks as of tomorrow. Slowly but surely I will begin to add stock. I think Fred the penis snail has died, so I really want to get another one. Damn it, the treatment must've gotten 'im. It was an organic solution so it wouldn't do too much damage, but still, a week of putting that stuff in the tank had to have some ill effects. I guess. *sigh* I've learned though, that it's best to quarantine new fishies before I put them in the main tank. I'm not sure how I'm going to do this, as I have NO room for another tank, no matter how small. I guess I can kinda quarantine it at the store. I'm pretty sure they'll let me. I'll just ask when they brought in the fish I'm interested in, put a deposit on it and see that it's healthy in their tank in the coming weeks. Hmmm, I guess we'll see...

I'm looking very forward to this weekend, we're gonna have a blast! Ron has a whole day planned on Saturday...breakfast, a movie and a visit to a museum exhibit of some sort. He says it's a surprise. AWWWW! Innn' eee KEWT?! I've been enjoying my husband SO MUCH lately! We've been getting along wonderfully, due to compromise on both our parts. I have been trying my best to keep myself occupied during the week so that I don't get all depressed that he's not around and take it out on him when I talk to him on the phone. Then when the weekend comes around we just enjoy each others company and relax 'cause we work so hard during the week. I've been trying to stop worrying so much about cleaning the house so much and relax. I do little things here and there during the week, while Ron is at work...like laundry, vacuuming and dusting. Ron has gotten so much better at cleaning up after himself, too. And if he doesn't, it's not a big deal. Life continues, even when there is a dirty ashtray on the coffee table.

Well, it's almost time for our weekly lunch outting. We've been going to lunch every Wednesday or Thursday for a couple of months now and it's working out great. I'm gonna go finish up so's I can be ready. Later!