I haven't felt this way in a while... I'm feeling awful. I don't know how to stop worrying. I'm so depressed it hurts. It's weird because things have been fine. I even got to tour the house I grew up in yesterday. I haven't seen those rooms in 10 years. I spent the first 20 years of my life there. Maybe the nostalgia went bad? It's like...I wanna go back. I hate being an adult and having to make all of these decisions, having all this responsibility, having to do all of these things day in and day out, never having time to do what I want to do because I have to clean this or work on that or finish that or work out my fat ass or drive here or pick up that... Never ending, mundane duties that are only going to multiply as the years go by.
What's wrong with me? I'm supposed to want to do all of these things. I'm supposed to want to have a baby. I'm supposed to want to work toward my goals. I'm supposed to have confidence in myself, my abilities. I'm supposed to do these things in real life instead of writing about it on the internet. It's that old, helpless feeling in my stomach again. All the "what ifs" are drowning me. I feel so lost. I have to find something. I know I have to find faith in this hideous mess. I know I'm not alone, but why do I feel so alone?
It's like we're all constantly babbling to each other...on Myspace, on the internet, on the cell phone...yet we don't hear each other. We don't listen. We're too busy worrying about ourselves and wanting others to give a shit, when they really don't. They're just worried about saving their own asses. Everyone is just daydreaming through life. Doing what they have to do because they think that's what's expected of them. Droning on...what the fuck's the point? It's been done before! What do you want?! I feel as though I'm surrounded by power-hungry, money-grubbing, rude, selfish fucks. We're all so busy with our day to day bullshit that we don't stop to even acknowledge a neighbor...even when they're in the same FUCKING LAUNDRY ROOM AS YOU, BITCH. Would it hurt to turn around and say hello?! I'M TIRED OF ALWAYS BEING THE BIGGER PERSON.
I have to get rid of this anger, this resentment toward humanity. It's not fair to myself. I don't have to be this unhappy. It's just always the same the same the SAME and I'm so TIRED OF IT.
1 comment:
I can see why a trip to your childhood home would bring this about. When you're a kid, you didn't have responsibilities. Nobody depended on you. You didn't have to punch in at a job. You really didn't have to do anything more pressing than watch cartoons and be a kid. It does change as an adult. Nobody tells you this. I really wish I could have taken a high school class called "Adulthood" instead taking Intro to Science, which prepared me for absolutely nothing.
Hope you feel better. FIGHT THE POWER!!
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