*whew*
What a weekend... I've never attended both a funeral and wedding within 48 hours. Very interesting, I must say. There's a range of emotions, especially magnified when one is suffering from PMS. No, it's not an excuse...it is very real. I think I might need to change my pills because I've never had such strong symptoms.
Awww...thanks very much for all of your condolences, ya'll 'er sweet. What a tough week, one of the longest I've ever experienced. The funeral was on Saturday and I went with Melanie and her boyfriend. It the was the catharsis I needed. The service was held at a lovely local funeral home in a church atop a hill. The place was surrounded by trees and dappled sunlight. Such a relaxing and beautiful atmosphere, not to mention perfect weather. There was a slideshow of his life at the beginning, pictures from his life, his family and friends... He was only 53. He didn't have any children of his own, but many nieces and nephews that adored him. Not surprisingly he was considered the "fun" uncle. No shit. Near the end of the slide show were pictures from that last day of his life. There was even video. I didn't realize someone was filming me that mornig as I walked around with no bra in my ratty t-shirt and shorts. Ah...but such are the joys of camping. Anyway, those scenes naturally brought on the water works. Good thing Melanie thought ahead (as always) and brought some napkins. The following service was wonderful, and it was great to see so many friends and family come up to the mic and say a few words.
He was laid to rest next to other family members, under a huge evergreen on the side of a hill. A very steep hill. The balls of my feet got a workout that day. Then we headed to his house to celebrate his crazy life, as he would have wanted it. This means there was lots of booze. I was a good girl though, made sure not to get plastered. Everyone who was camping with us was at the funeral and the house. I enjoyed hanging out with them again. It was kind of like finishing what we had started that weekend.
I still have this sad feeling in my gut though... Like... I don't know. It's weird, I just have to get over it. In all my swirling emotions and PMS, it doesn't help that my new favorite music at the moment reminds me of that weekend. I had downloaded and gotten very into it before we left. I didn't want to risk bringing the ipod along since I'm still feeling the sting from the other one being stolen...so I had this music in my head the entire weekend. I attach tons of emotion to music so now every time I hear it I get this bittersweet feeling... But I like it. I can't explain it. Anyway, it'll pass.
Then there was the wedding. Rons friend Jay from work. Nice enough guy, don't know him too well. He and his fiance came to our wedding...I guess before they were engaged. I'm really not too crazy about weddings...not even my own. As I recall, I just wanted to get all the hubub OVERWITH. As simple elegant as possible without spending way too much money. I enjoyed it very much but I can say never, ever again. Weddings don't mean as much as they used to. This one was nice though. At the top of a mountain at a ranch. There was a waterfall, lots of trees with pretty lights hanging from them, their initials in flowers on the side of the hill...
It looked like there were a lot of chicks involved. A lot of chicks with tattoos. They're so common now. I'm getting kind of tired of seeing them, actually. I mean, I know I have them but shit...at least they're slightly inconspicuous. Some of these girls had these huge things on the backs of their calves, on their thighs, traling from their shoulders to their elbows... One even had a tattoo on the back of her neck and behind her ear! I'm sorry but, EW. I finally got a closer look of the neck tat later on and realized it was a heart with a pair of scissors cutting through it. GROSS. How fucking immature can you get?! Yes, someone broke your heart...MUST you post it on your NECK? UGH. I couldn't get close enough to see what was behind her ear. But I'm so sure those things are gonna look killer when she's 60.
Okay, so I remember Ron telling me about how Jay got this girl knocked up at the beginning of their relationship and that she already had another kid from a previous relationship. I also remember Ron telling me that her engagement ring cost $8,000. Those things kinda made me sick. Then I remember Ron telling me she lost the kid. That kinda made me sad. Fast forward to the wedding, and there's the beautiful bride (she really did look beautiful, few brides don't) walking up the isle in a dress that sorta makes her look pregnant. Is she pregnant?! HUH? Turns out she's 7 months, according to the drunken new sister-in-law who yelled it out during her speech.
*sigh*
I guess that's they way things are now. I mean, my own sister-in-law was two months along when they got married 15 years ago. They were 21 and 22. They're still together, but that's a rarity these days. It's depressing. I'm so tired of people bringing children into the mix so soon. But I have to remember, not everyone is the same. Not everyone is afraid to have children, like I am. That's the thing that's been bothering me. AGAIN. I can't get it out of my head. And last night I was terribly emotional and wanted so badly to go home and stop having to pretend I was interested in what was going on. But not until after we ate, of course. Mmmmm...prime rib...beer...wine... Still didn't want to be around those people. Then I started getting down on myself for not wanting to give Ron a child right now. I'm just not ready. WE'RE not ready. And that's OKAY. I have to get that through my curly head. I feel left out though. Like, I should have already done it by now. Like, WHY don't I want to? Why can't I get over this? I have to stop thinking about it so much. DUH. THAT'S why I can't get over it. And it's not easy to get over when I'm constantly hearing or reading about pregnancies...many of which are in unhealthy situations. It's frightening how many men out there have "two families". It's sickening.
I can't keep thinking about it like I do. I'm becoming far too bitter about the whole thing. It'll happen if it's gonna and that's it. I can't let my stupid insecurity do this to me. I've still got this insecurity and I know that's what makes me very bitter and angry sometimes. Like, I constantly compare myself when there really IS NO COMPARISON. I need to go jog now. Maybe that'll put me in a better, not quite so "blah" mood. It IS a gorgeous day out.
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