Drowning

Hi. I'm having a hard time again. Not really in the mood to write. Things'er shit-teee. My mom is still in the hospital with a staph infection in her foot from stepping on the eeeensy weeeeensy piece of wire two weeks ago. She's had diabetes for 41 years and now is the time I'm really starting to worry about her. I got off of work early to make the drive to visit her yesterday, that was nice.

The weekend was horrible. I'm working on changing things, but my procrastination and turning a blind eye to what's going on is not helping. I honestly don't know how to deal with Ron anymore. His constant negative attitude, putting people down, putting me down, hating the world, everyone is stupid, everything is unfair... He's going to drink himself to death and I don't wanna hang around and get sucked down with him. That's what's happening. He says he's going to do things and never does because he's too t-i-r-e-d. No one ever does anything for him, no one every gives him anything, he's had to work so hard all his life, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. blah, blah. Then he turns it around on me... Well, *I* never do the things he asks, why should he do the things I ask? I'm so sick of his never ending circular arguing. I'm realizing that it's NOT me, it's him.

What's really driving me crazy is him saying one thing and doing another. He says he doesn't hate life, but his actions speak otherwise. He is a miserable man and he's dragging me down with him. I know...how many times can I say the same thing? I'm so tired of the constant complaining and negative shit. I am losing my mind and sinking into a terrible depression. I have to do something about it. Going to the couselor tonight to see where to start.

Hell, at least I have work. I feel horrible for saying those awful things about my boss a few months ago. I don't hate her. Sure, she's got a type A personality, can be an obnoxious busy body and likes money, but she's still a good person and she believes in me and trusts me. I'm not going to turn on her anymore, it's the least I can do. I can't lose my job and my freedom, I don't know what I'd do.

Okay, time to think positive...or try. I'm just drowning in my own shit right now and I'm so tired of it.

Silly pictures

I love it when Ron decides to take pictures of me when I'm sleeping. This is a gem from last weekend. I fell asleep on the couch on Friday night. Ron arrives home at midnight or so to find me sacked. That's when he pulls out the camera and starts having fun. Apparently, this is the freaky face I make when he tries to get me to go to bed. I just toss my head n' nod off. Isn't that cute? Hehehe...

Here we have the "toilet art". See the mermaid? Yes, Ron had to take a picture of the random tissue I left in the toilet that night, it happened to take the form of a mermaid. No, that is not piss. I would never post a pic of piss. That's just tissue...

Here we have Stanley submerging his entire head into my glass of water. It was empty, I drank it 'fore I fell asleep. Ron had to get this shot of Stan doing what he does best...scrounging for liquid.
I took this one a while back. I'm not sure if I posted it here before... I think I might have. It's just so cute. Stanley and Henry never cuddle. I think this'll happen more when they get a little older. Henry's only two and Stan is approaching nine. Wow...I can't believe he's almost ten. Muh lil' ol' man.

That's it for now...random uploads from the camera. Have a nice day!

Wake up, America!

I just got this email from my dad.

This guy's youtube video has been so popular that Obama called him personally. He said that he was very disturbed with the video and even invited him to the White House. Obama also said he wanted the White House to handle the Press and not to talk about the video or the White House visit. Interesting...

We the People Stimulus Package

We have become a nation of cowards who bend over backwards for a bunch of dicks who continue to fuck us. Yes, dicks fuck assholes AND pussies! There goes the anger control... AMER-I-KUH, FUHCK YEAH!

The bitch is here

Mrs. P arrived yesterday afternoon. Not a surprise at all, considering my moods last week. Today's outlook is somewhat positive. Gonna keep a good mood this week. Don't think about things that piss me off and/or make me feel guilty, like people asking when we're going to join the parents club (my cousin bugged Ron about it this weekend, seems cousin really wants him to join the misery, I mean, "fun"). Woudn't it be nice if people minded their own fucking business when it comes to these things? Fakebook continues to poke at me and I'm not gonna let that shit get to me, either. I checked it out a little today and tried to have fun. But I have to point out another thing I hate, of course. I can't stand that people I never want to see again keep popping up in the right hand corner. The perfect blonde bitch from swim team, the asshole from biology class... Today I saw my ex's perverted loser best friend, holding a loaf (baybeee) that may very well be his. OH goody! Isn't it fun to watch all the losers breed?! Ugh...

Nope...not gonna get irritated. Really I'm not. Erasing it from my mind right now. HAH! So there!

At least it's a pretty sunny day out. The last few weeks have been almost solid gloom every day. Maybe we'll be able to hit the beach soon. As I said before, I haven't been camping or to the beach yet and it's getting me down. No one invites me and Ron doesn't want to go, says it's too much work and too expensive to get equipment. If I want to go, I have to do some planning and help get the stuff. No big deal I guess, 'cept for I really suck at planning these things. But I can do anything I put my mind to... Uh-huh... If I really want to go I can put something together. We can't afford any real vacation, which is fine with me, but I'd like a little one soon. We need to have some fun doing something new together.

I had a nice weekend, got some things done for a change. I got up early to take the cats to the vet on Saturday. They needed shots, I skipped them last year and they should have them if I'm going to let them out, even as little as I do. I only let them out on the weekends and usually no longer than a few hours. They always come back inside and hang out anyway, even when the door is wide open! It was funny on Saturday, I only had one good carrier, the other was a cardboard box. That thing did nothing to keep Henry inside. Before I knew it he'd clawed his way out of the top and was roaming the car so I had to take it slow and do side streets. He settled on the floor in the back seat though, it was good. They were very good for the vet, too, as usual. Such good kitties. When I got home I did some other things around the house and then we went to that nice Italian place I'd checked out a few weeks ago. Ron loved it and we had another yummy dinner.

We enjoyed Father's Day yesterday, my parents had a lovely bbq at their house. It was my two brothers, sis-in-law, niece and nephew, parents, Ron and I. There was lots of delicious food and we all had a nice time talking. The guys even got a few poker games in. I was upset to find out that my diabetic mother has yet another infection. I'm actually very worried about her, as she'd just gotten over an infected boo-boo on her left leg from an injury she got while garden shopping last month. Just my mom's luck to bang her shin into the dirty shelf of a flower display. It was full of garden dirt n' shit. That infection lasted three weeks and she's had to go to the doctor to get it cleaned twice a week. So now we come to find out that on Friday night, a little splinter-sized piece of metal wire got stuck in the ball of her foot near the toes. She'd been wearing shoes like a good girl, but the little wire somehow got in and got lodged in place. Being diabetic, she didn't notice it until it started hurting the next day and it was off to urgent care again. Yesterday she insisted on doing so much and we (sis-in-law and I) had to force her to sit and relax so we could do the serving. It was a great dinner and I'm glad I saw my parents again, it'd been almost a month. I'm praying the infection doesn't get horrible and spread. I should get a call later today to see what the doctor has advised...

Oh yes, and Friday we had another Pilates class at my boss' house. She invited me to stay for dinner and it was a lovely time. I'm done being mad at my boss. This is my job right now, it's difficult to find another one. Things really aren't as bad as they could be. My boss really isn't the horrible bitch I made her out to be. I mean, yea, she is kinda greedy and can be annoying (hey, she totally admits she's annoying at times) but hell, it really could be so much worse. I've earned what I get. If I want more, I have to work to get it. Life's not fair, deal with it.

Negative Me

What better way to illustrate the way I've been feeling about myself. I felt better yesterday though, it was pretty good for a Monday. It was a busy day at work and I had a great jog for the first time in months. I'm usually dragging myself through workout these days and was surprised at the amount of energy I had.

I'm wondering if the Mrs. P is on her way, as I felt really down this past weekend and slept for most of it again. The end of last week was pretty good. The Lord of the Rings play turned out to be a parody that was quite funny and enjoyable. Then we had Pilates at my boss' house on Friday after work. She's set it up so all three of us can have regular exercise and the company pays for it. So that was nice... But the constant grey weather we've been having for the past two weeks hasn't helped. I know, complaining about the weather again...I'm so predictable. Sunday I had another anxiety attack over housework, much to Ron's dismay. I did what I usually do, started a million things at once, got overwhelmed and freaked out.

It made Ron really mad and I don't blame him. It must be very frustrating to watch your wife move everything (bird cages, cat boxes, trash can, some furniture) out onto the patio, come back in and do dishes, move on to start vacuuming one area, go to the bathroom and start dumping the trash, spray the toilet down with scrubbing bubbles (he went to take a shit and nearly fell off the toilet) and leave that to open the hall closet door and start raving about what a cluttered mess it is, slam that door and pick up the guitar stand and ask where the hell it's gonna go, all the while sighing and carrying on like a spoiled brat. I wonder what the neighbors thought of me yelling, "But I DOOO clean the bird poop off the doors, I DO! SO WHAT if I miss a little sometimes, I ALWAYS FUCKING DOOOO IIIITTTT!!!" I really can't believe he stayed calm for as long as he did. It's only when I started the hysterics that he lost it and yelled at me to calm the fuck down and to do one thing at a time. Then he actually started helping again. He really has been doing better at keeping his shit neater, it's just NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR PSYCHO.

The good thing is that we both apologized for our behavior right away, which is new. I didn't sit and protest like I usually do, I put myself in his place. I understand that I am too crazy about cleaning and that it doesn't have to be perfect like I want it. It's never going to be. I just have to learn to live with it. If I want that many pets in that small of a space, I'm going to have to deal better.

I'm not trying hard enough. I received the therapy book last Thursday and I have yet to crack it open. Artwork still evades me. Every time I think of sitting down to work on the small paintings I dread it. It's so stupid, I don't know why I'm not in any sort of mood to do it. I just can't get out of this stupid funk. It's probably because deep down, I don't want to. I don't have the energy. EVERYTHING BUGS ME.

ARGH! I just had another shitty phone conversation with Ron. He keeps picking on me again. It's the little things. I can't do anything right. I don't think enough for him. He really seems to have some major control issues... Is that it? It's making me CRAZY, whatever the fuck it is.

Arugula Poops

Last night I needed a salad in a bad way. My pipes were clogged and I had to administer some 'natural' Draino on the system before it harded any more. No, not laxitives... I like my asshole where it is, thanks. I decided to get a salad on the way home. At first I was going to be a good girl and get a few ready-made salads at the market. Then I thought about how I really didn't feel like dealing with shopping, which is often the case. Randomly deciding to stop by Melanie's house on the way home quickly destroyed those plans anyway. Some days I like to take the long way home and her house is right in the middle of the route. She's usually not home at the time I drive by, but yesterday her car was there.

Turns out she had a doctor's appointment and got to come home early. So we chatted for about a half an hour, talking about our weekends and such. I didn't let her know I would have liked to have gone camping, as I have to let that shit go. I just suggested we go camping soon, as I'd like to have a pleasant experience this time. It's easy to talk to Melanie, she's always kinda grounded me. It was a relaxing conversation that soon ventured onto the topic of pooping problems. Like women often do, we discussed our ongoing weight battles and the obstacles we face in trying to keep the bulge at bay. We got to talking about salads and Melanie reminded me of a nice Mediterranean/Italian restaurant that's right down the street from my apartment. I'd last gone there with the ex about six years ago and loved their eggplant parmesian. She told me they had a fantastic arugula and goat cheese salad that I should try. Mmm...goat cheese... It wasn't long until my tummy started growling and I headed home.

When I arrived home, I parked in the garage and then hopped out of the car to walk the two blocks to the restaurant. Upon entering I was pleasantly surprised, the place looked like it had been redone. Come to think of it, I think it was actually a different, less fancy Italian restaurant back when I'd last visited. Well, the new owners did a great job. I ordered my food to go, but the environment was so warm and inviting that I wanted to stay and have a glass of wine while waiting for my mushroom soup and arugula salad. It really helped that it was a Tuesday evening and the place was nearly empty.

The host asked if I wanted a glass of water while I was waiting and I took that as I sign and agreed to some water and a glass of wine. Next thing ya know, he's bringing me some bread with my water n' wine. The water's got a lemon in it...tasty... Then I get my food, all boxed up nicely and ready to go. But I'm not done with my wine and I'm enjoying myself now. I finish the delicious bread and decide to just go ahead and eat my food there. The nice host offers to put my salad on a plate, brings me more water, puts my soup in a bowl... Then I order one more glass 'o wine to go with the food. It was so nice and quiet as I sat there grazing on the salad. I felt the stress slowly melting away. A few minutes later an older man came in talking to himself. I thought he had a bluetooth in his ear, but it turns out he was talking to himself. He sat down, ordered and continued on with his in depth conversation.

"Damn cat, always walking on me at 2 and 3 a.m."

"What are they gonna do in those skinny jeans?"

"How well does he know this country?"

"Really, well what do you say I do about these warts?"

Nice entertainment, I must say. I wonder if he was talking to his dead wife. The mind has interesting ways of coping. The host and waiter kept coming by, asking if everything was okay. I realize that they'd succeeded in their plot to make me stay and spend more money, but hell if I didn't enjoy it. I made sure to tell them both that I'd be back with my husband soon. I have to get Ron to join me soon, I think he'd enjoy it very much. We need a new place to go and this place was a pleasant surprise. It's been right around the corner all this time. I love it when I discover things like that. So my meal was twice as much as I'd planned, who cares. I enjoyed it and that's all that matters.

After my glorious meal, I took my leftover soup and walked home. By the time I walked through the door it was about 8:30, too late the let the birdies out to play. Oh well, they need in-cage nights a few times a week. I was suddenly in a Mike Patton mood, so I turned on the poe-puter and checked out some YouTube vids for a while. Aaahhh...

Oh yea, another thing... In all my 25 years or so of aquarium keeping, I've never once bought a test kit to check my water chemistry. Well, as the salt tank ages, it's important for me to start keeping track of these things. Better safe than sorry, especially when I start getting a few of the more expensive corals. So last night I pulled out my newly acquired test kit and checked the four major perameters that need to be kept under control; pH, ammonia, nitrite and nitrate. Everything was perfect. The tank is now 15 months old (heh, my "baby" is getting older!) and the 5 gallon weekly water changes have kept things going strong. Yay. I know, the things that are exciting to a fish nerd.

What a nice, random Tuesday night. I'm kinda glad Ron works nights sometimes. It's nice to have the freedom to do whatever random shit I want on any given evening... Tomorrow night I'm going to a musical with the two girls Cathy(ie). It's the Lord of the Rings musical. I never was a fan of LOTR, but I figure a musical on stage should be interesting. Let's see what they do without all that computer animation. Hey, I can make fun of it if all else fails...and it'll be nice to see the Cathy(ie)s again.

Yay for random evenings! And yay for arugula poops in the morning!

Craptastic

Yay. I've almost made it through another day. It's been decent, at least it's somewhat busy at work and I have things to do. Full time hours, too...don't forget that. All the things I used to take for granted... And hey, I've got my physical health for now. I should feel good about that. I was able to go jogging yesterday. It wasn't as miserable as I thought it would be.

See how the bad thoughts take over when I let them? What is it, every other week now? I know it's rediculous to carry on like that, but some days I just have to whine. That's what this unlimited server space is for, right? Rambling on about my endless insecurities. I think I should stay away from Fakebook and networking sites in general. Well, I try to keep it at a minimum anyway. There ARE some nice people on there who care.

What helps me is the fact that I am not alone. I try to think about it like that and it helps me feel better, at least for a little while. Moving on until I have another attack of the emotions...

In other exciting news, I finally went to the dentist after 8 years. I only have two cavities to fill... I've never had a cavity filled in my life and I'm 32. Not bad, I must say. I do need a deep cleaning of course, made my first appointment for mid-July. Before then I'd like to get this lousy permanent retainer out from behind my bottom front teeth. It's been in there for almost 17 years and it needs to go so I can keep those teeth clean. I've started flossing regularly again in the past six months and the damn retainer makes it impossible to get to those teeth.

I also need an implant. My front left bicuspid never came in and I've had a fake tooth for almost 20 years. First it was a fake tooth attached to braces and then a fake tooth on a retainer, which I've had ever since. I've replaced the retainer since, but it's time for another new one. Of course the dentist brought up an implant, but that shit is so expensive! I'd rather just keep the retainer, it's a great party trick and scares this shit out of unsuspecting people when you pop out your tooth at 'em. The thing is, the gum around the adjacent tooth is starting to recede so I'm going to have to do something about it pretty soon. I found out a bridge is out of the question now that the receding gum has made the one anchor tooth a little loose. Hell... I figure I'll start with the deep cleaning, get the cavities filled and go from there. At least I finally made it to the dentist.

The next thing I need to do is get these dark moles burnt off before we start going to the beach this summer. I've got two on my back and two on my face that I really want to take care of. They're potentially dangerous and I don't want to expose them to any more sun.

I've got another therapist appointment this Thursday. I was supposed to go last week but canceled it due to lack of funds. I know it's important, but I just don't want to spend my money on it. I have all these other things going on and now that I'm working full time hours again, I want to save! Ugh... Hopefully I'll get my book before the appointment so I can start reading so we can discuss it. Maybe I can get him to cut the price a little, too. Damnit if I didn't find a good therapist OUTSIDE my insurance again. I want to deal with this crap on my own, without meds and without a therapist. HAH! Who am I kidding?

Alright, time to get back to things. Later...

Mornings are bad...

Especially Monday mornings, that's when the pit in my gut feels the worst. I'm feeling a little bit better now that the day is almost over. I'm so dreading going jogging after work. I don't enjoy it anymore. It's just another thing I have to do to get through the day before I can go home and eat and sleep, my two favorite things to do lately. I know I'm going downhill. As always, some days are better than others. Today is not so good. I must exercise so that I don't feel completely worthless.

Tomorrow will be a better day. Just think about so many others who have it way worse than I do. Hell, I don't even have it 'bad'. I'm just a big, whining baby. I'm done whining for now.

Suddenly feeling Monday

Lots of things bothering me and overtaking my mind at the moment, especially after looking at Fakebook. I need to stay away from that place, it's just a painful reminder of what a loser I am.

1. Cousin Mark's stupid wife popped out the kid this weekend. Feeling all angsty and weird about it. Letting myself feel bad. Why? I have to get over it. Now every time someone pops I have to get used to them asking when it's going to happen for us. Ron has reassured me. He said this weekend that he'd like one, but it's just too late. That's his reasoning...it's too late. He's being very good about it, really. I feel bad because I'm always sure to slap him upside the head with angry-toned comments like, "There's no way in hell I'd have the patience for that!" or "You and I would make terrible parents." or "Who is stupid enough to want to raise kids in this fucked up world?!" He agrees with these things but always tells me to calm down and let it go. I have to listen to him or it will remain an issue forever. I just want to get over it but I'm doing a terrible job of trying.

2. I want to go camping. Melanie went with that chick Liza and the group again this weekend. Liza has posted her happy fun in the sun pics, of course. Melanie isn't mad at me, by the way. I made it into a big thing in my head as usual. We got together for a bit on Friday night to exchange birthday gifts, it was nice. She told me how she and Ivan were going to do an overnight camp the next day. I was like, "Oh really? Cool..." on the outside, but kinda sad on the inside again. I wish I could have been there, but my husband and I don't like the group anyway. We only like Melanie. Why can't I just move on from this?

3. I'm so happy for my friend Kim because she's having a blast training horses. Her barn is all up and running and she trains children to ride horses. It's such a wonderful and fulfilling job, perfect for her. She worked so hard to get there and I'm very happy for her. She posted some more pictures of the Dressage show she had over the weekend. Again, I wanted to be there. I commented and said I wanted to go to the next one and she responded right away, telling me the next show is on the 20th. I plan to go, but I'll probably have to go without Ron again. He's never going to meet these people and I want him to so badly... Anyway, I'm gonna go, but this stupid jealousy is going to nag me. I'm going to wish that I had the tenacity and the drive to do what Kim is doing. I'm going to wish I could move there and help her with the business. But no, I'm stuck here.

4. My friend Trya (actually, more Melanie's friend from work, we just all hang out every now and again) finally married the father of her child last year after some drama. Anyway, her husband added me and wanted to use my art skills. He asked me to design a tattoo for him and said he'd pay me. It took me a week, but I did a first sketch and emailed it to him. He never answered my email. A week later I sent it again, and noted on Fakebook that I'd emailed him and asked if he ever got it. No answer again. Today I see he posted his brand new tattoo, designed by someone else. That's fine, but really... He could have at least answered my email. Asshole.

So why do I let all these stupid things bring me down on myself? Feels like everyone else is having a blast while I'm at home watching tv, sleeping and getting drunk and stoned like a fucking loser. I have to get out of this cycle. It's not Ron's fault, it's mine. I don't want to do anything. I feel powerless and worthless. I hate my life and I made it this way. Why can't I just be happy? Why does this horrible jealousy have such a grip on me? I cant' stop. I don't want to stop. I just want to give up. I hate myself.

Morphing animals and a new reality show!

I went to visit my little buddy Paul last night. He's gotten so into the fish tank hobby since he began the hobby a few years ago when he was about 12. It started with a freshwater tank, then he saw my reef tank and it was all over. Now's he's got two big tanks in his room, one of them a large freshwater and the other a medium saltwater. He's doing such a great job mainting them.

It's amazing how high functioning autistic people can get so engrossed in any one thing. For Paul, it started with trains when he was a whee guy. The train obsession went on for the first 7 or so years of his life and ended with a huge train set in the garage. The thing is gorgeous. Next came the animals. I was surprised how well they integrated the pets into the family. I've known them since high school (daughter Marguerite is my friend from then and living in New York currently) and they didn't seem like your typical 'pet people' back then. First it was the cat that wondered in and Paul was enamored. He was a cool cat so mom and dad liked him quite a bit so they adopted him. Next came the bird, a cockatiel of course, and Paul was fascinated. Always talking about the Macaw he was going to buy one day... Now it's the aquariums and this hobby seems to be the one he's been most passionate about thus far. Man, the kid knows more than I do now!

I was over there last night checking out his latest new fish, saying hi to the bird, talking about tank equipment...animal nerd stuff. It was nice, but I had to keep the visit short because it was 7 pm, I was tired and starving. As I was trying to leave, which is always a process with Paul, he just HAD to show me ONE more thing. It'll only take a minute, he says and is off to the computer room by the front door. M'kay, so it's on my way out...cool. I'm glad I watched these, they're so awesome! There's never just one, either...

First we have a Fish Morph.

Then we have a Bird Morph.

Isn't that sumpthin'? Pretty cool what creative people are doing these days. The internet has opened so many doors.

This morning while on my way to work I listened to the comedy channel on Sirius again. Have I mentioned how much I love those channels? I've always loved stand up on Comedy Central and this is just icing on the cake. So this guy comes on and damnit if I've forgotten his name already... Tim somethin'...anyway I tuned in as he was talking about having to go to Afghanistan where one of the duties Americans have to carry out is finding and detonating the land mines.

He says, "What a job to give to Americans. We should give this job to the millions of felons that are jamming our prisons."

HAH! Yea, how 'bout that?

"Get 'em out there and hey, what a great idea for a new reality show! We can call it 'Duck, Duck, BOOM!"

BWAHAHAHA!!!!

"We'll make the host a drill sergeant who barks orders at them. Have him introduce each one by announcing what they went in for. This is Hal Grossman, in for manslaughter. Sergeant hands him a helmet and a stick and off he goes!"

Can you imagine? You can follow the reality show formula so easily with this one. Yea, I got a kick outta Tim. I can usually tell if I'm going to like the act within the first minute or so. There are things that are a total turn off for me when it comes to comedy and a major one is obviously disrespect for animals. I couldn't stand the guy yesterday who kept bringing up killing dogs. I don't remember the context really, but it didn't make the mention of shooting dogs funny to me.

Then there was the one who started in with, "You know when you hear the birds singing? They're not singing about anything, really. They don't know what they're doing... Chirp! Chirp! Humans are the only ones that can really sing songs..." At which point I turned it. He was obviously ignorant of the fact that birds do learn complicated song patterns and pass those songs on to their young. But I'm a bird nerd and not everyone knows that. I shouldn't let stupid shit like that annoy me, but it does.

Another major turn off is when a comedian will start in on their kids and how "amazing" or "crazy" they are. In the words of George Carlin, "Your kids aren't special." I used to think the kid stuff was funny, but it's gotten old. I especially can't stand it when their kid is young and they act as though they're the first parents on the planet. I'm sure it has a lot to do with my recent discovery of my childfree identity, of course. My eyes have been opened to the reality of motherhood and how I don't wanna go there. Too bad it's so painfully common and I have to accept it. If I want respect for my choice to be without children, I have to respect their choice to have them. However, that doesn't come into play when I'm listening to them on the radio or watching them on tv. I have the freedom to choose and to turn the damn channel.

There's another entry, banged out in between work. Again, it's time to do my job and earn my full time pay.

Later!

Since I haven't done much else lately...

It'd been a while and I finally got to add a few new critters to the tank...so I had to take some new pictures. It's thriving... I now have seven fish:

Yellow Tang ~ Happy
Bristle Tooth Tang ~ Camero
Pygmy Angelfish ~ Coop
Green Chromis ~ Blue
Bicolor Dotty Back ~ Dip
Tomato Clown ~ Tommy
Lyre Tail Hawkfish ~ Bones

Then there are the other cute inverts and such, some came with the live rock, some I added:

Sand Star ~ Lil' Poopiefish
Narcissus snails ~ Backhoe n' Dumptruck
Crabs ~ Fred and the little Black Asshole
Abalone ~ Mister Abalone
Clam ~ Sea Pussy
Pistol Shrimp ~ Hellboy

Still others that have been added over time include feather duster worms, corals, mushrooms, polyps and brittle stars.



This is Blue looking very green in this shot. He's usually a light turquoise. I love those blue mushrooms.



A nice shot of most of the tank. There's Bones peaking out from the top there, the new Hawkfish I got last week. He is too cute and loves to perch all around the tank on his little fin "hands". Then we have Tommy the Tomato Clown to the left, floating above his favorite coral. It's a torch coral and closely resembles the stinging sea anemones clowns are so fond of hanging out in. Sometimes I'll see Tommy backing into the coral all cozy like. It's so cute to watch him hover over it. The fishy down below is little Coop with his bubble eye. I got him for my birthday last year and he had bout of fungus in that eye. It healed and then blew into that clear bubble that makes him look related to a bubble-eyed goldfish. Doesn't seem to be hurting 'im so whatever...



A closer look at Bones. See his little 'fingers'? There are five little bony phalanges sticking out at the front of the fin. That's not the camera, his eyes are blue in the light.



Here is Mister Abalone Racer. He's quite fast for a giant mollusk and is always making his way around the tank walls on his big 'ol foot, slurping on the algae. I like to watch his mouth on the glass...nom nom nom... Only thing is he keeps knocking down the corals that aren't secured. I need to get in there with my reef glue.



A shot of four fish. There's a blurry "Blue" in his usual shade. Camero the Bristle Tooth Tang is down to the left near the bottom, another one I've had for over a year. He's a sweetie and always eats out of my fingers. His mouth is soft and the 'bristles' are light. There are little 'kiss' marks in the algae on the back wall from his snacking.



Here we have the elusive Fred the crab. He came with some of the live rocks and was the size of a dime. The little hairy turd is three times that size now. His little shell sheddings and 'parts' are spread around the sand. He's become braver over the year and is always out to feed with everyone else, waving his little claws around.



This is my new clam that I also got last week. I'm not sure what kind it is yet, as the fish store guys and I kept referring to it as the "Sea Pussy". Heh...



The bright green candy cane coral to the left there started out as two little green nubs. They've since split into three big pieces. A fourth is emerging from the right side of the largest one in front.



This is little Dip the Dotty Back. He's a cutie, always dartin' in and outta crevices... Heh... That sounds dirty...



Last we have Happy, the Yellow Tang who was my very first fish. Another one who's always a blur, always darting around the tank. I love how saltwater fish do that, they leave no space unexplored.

So there you have it. The thing continues to thrive as long as I keep an eye on the perameters (temp, water chemistry, salt levels) and do small weekly water changes. I change about 5 to 7 gallons a week and that seems to keep things steady. I also have to put in additives each week to keep the essential elements up. Isn't that lovely? I'm having fun widdit.

Things are going okay this week. The boss came back from Poland today. We'll see how much longer I can keep on the full time schedule, as things'll probably be slowing down again as we head into summer. Though we're hanging in there with the sales, it's not too terrible. Keeping my fingers crossed...

I'm happy to report that Melanie isn't mad at me about my little emailed outburst, at least she hasn't said anything. We both helped Lisa move to her new condo this past weekend. A great way to spend the day, helping someone else move... She was very greatful for the help though, as she was getting too close to having a nervous breakdown. I hope things calm down for her now that she's quit her stressful job and is done moving. The new condo is gorgeous and she should have a blast decorating it.

Anyway, Melanie's birthday was yesterday n' we're gonna shoot for a get together for both our birthdays on Friday. Maybe go out for a few drinks or something. We'll see if anything comes up then, but I'm certainly not going to be the one to bring it up. Better to let it go already. Yea...me and letting things go...

I think I'm gonna let THIS go now. Time to get something done.

He's thu lil' suh-suh-suh-meller

Lil' kiddy noes. Whutta yew suh-mellin', Suh-TAN-leee?

Another quick post... I'm feeling okay today. I managed to get a jog in and even painted a little yesterday. Although I found out that I forgot how to blend acrylic colors. I seem to be having a problem. I was working on one of my two small fish and it just was NOT working. The paint is too thick and lumpy. I'm trying to paint yellow over red. I ended up working on this teeny thing for an hour and then scraping some of it off with my fingernail. Ugh... Art is not working for me lately. I am sucking. I just want to finish these two small things and I'm having such a hard time! Even with my brand new paint brushes.

*sigh*

I will work on it again soon. Damn it, I will FINISH these two lousy, 3" fish paitings! ARGH! I can't believe how hard this is for me right now. I swear, I used to know how to paint! It's just a matter of continuing to pick up that paintbrush. I can do it.

Okay, on to the crap I have to do. Gotta get through this checklist. Later...

Thought patterns

Is May coming to a close already? Man, I really haven't been in the mood to write in here... Once I get started things seem to flow. I have to at least attempt to organize my thoughts. Coming back to read them over would be a good thing also...

What's going on in my world? Oh, it's the usual. I keep slipping and I'm not doing a very good job of keeping myself out of the hole. It's the bad thought patterns that are taking over. Which reminds me, I have homework from the therapist. I have to find a book he suggested that will help me train myself on the concept of cognitive behavioral therapy. I wrote about that in here a while back when I'd read an interesting article about it online. Well, I pretty much quoted the article and posted it in the entry. It was basically about getting and keeping hold of the power of your own mind to keep the anxiety and depression at bay.

Negative thought patterns can predominate so easily. They begin the chain reaction, naturally leading to the bad decisions that result in an unsatisfying life. This perpetuates the sadness. But life is only as shitty as you think it is. My problem lies in the fact that many experiences have trained me to think bad thoughts. I tend to focus on the negative and it contributes to how I handle situations and their results. I've gained other bad habits like drinking and smoking to "deal". Guilt makes me continue to keep them under control, but it's starting to become a struggle. I still have decent habits like managing to keep up somewhat of an exercise schedule, eating decent, keeping the apartment pretty clean (despite all the cat hair and feathers), making it to work every day(though not always on time) and good personal hygene. Yea, I'd better not lose that last one, that's when you know you're in trouble.

How to catch these nasty thoughts that swirl in my brain like flies around shit? The first step is to clean up the shit, right? Wait, no... First I have to kill the thing that's shitting all over my brain. That's the tough part. Change is the sword that will slaughter this beast. Anyone know where I can find this weapon? Within myself? Okay! I'll get RIGHT on it! Tomorrow...

Happy Berfday to meh and other bullshit

Haha! Remember this one? I'm not sure if I posted it here before... I probably did. I made it for Ron's birthday in October. I printed it all perdy on photo paper n' shyt.

So today's my day. It's been lovely so far. This morning I got the usual birthday song from my parents, except this time I wasn't able to answer the phone so they left the message on my cell. I'm so glad I have it recorded, it is simply priceless! Thanks, Mom n' Dad, I love you so very much, too.

In my quest to find this birthday drawing, I read some of my older posts, which I haven't done in ages. I was much happier at this time last year. My mind was in a completely different place. Interesting... As I've said a million times before, the year went by very quickly.

Damnit, I just spent way too much time trying to find a rare sketch from SNL that features Bill Murray and a bunch of parrots dressed up as little characters. Ron and I saw it and couldn't stop laughing, it was the cutest thing! I wanted to post it here but it's taking too much time to find. Shit!

Oh well, another not-so-interesting entry for today...

Actually, there's one thing that's sorta bothering me. I finally got off of Shitspace, right? Well, now I find myself on Fakebook and it's the same thing, except this time I actually know all of my friends. They're either cool people I've met on the 'net, or people I've met through the years. Then there are some from high school. You know, I really fucking hated high school and all the posers I had to deal with then. It feels like I'm kind of dealing with it again on Fakebook. I don't like when people add me and then never say anything to me again. Especially when it's my birthday and I see them on there and I happen to comment on something they posted.

Okay, I know, this is lame. I really don't like the chick anyway. She's from the group of friends from high school, more Melanie's "cool" friends from back then, the ones she met her boyfriend though. They're some of the idiots we went camping with last summer, whose drunken uncle died in the river. I've been trying to link it, but for some reason it won't work. If you wanna read the original post about it, go back to June 2008.

So this one chick "L", who was also camping with us and from the high school "cool" group, has been hanging out with Melanie some over the past year. Melanie is everyone's friend. She is social and happy and doesn't have all the stupid hang ups I do. Anyway, "L" had added me months back, I don't know why. I guess because she knew me from high school and also from the disaster trip. So I see that they had their first BBQ of the summer at Melanie and Ivan's (her boyfriend). I commented on it and so did a bunch of other retards. So I'm feeling kind of insecure and bad that I wasn't invited to this "party" of sorts. It was at Melanie's, after all.

Why do I care? Well, something else happened on that camping trip that I'm totally ashamed of. One of the guys hit on me. I'll call him Manwhore. He was also married (not anymore) at the time. Tequila took over and next thing ya know we're walking off by ourselves, only to be followed by Melanie and broken apart. No, we didn't make out, but I know the guy wanted to. Manwhore nd his brother are Ivan's friends from way back. They were neighbors. It was their uncle who died. Their dad was also there, another alcoholic who was three sheets to the wind the whole time. I know it was partially the tequila, but I really didn't care about going off with this guy. I was mad at Ron and admit that I liked the attention. It was so stupid though. The very next day, Manwhore was flirting with another chick from another camping group. He did so right up until his panicking uncle floated by in the river...

Then there was the funeral. So these guys and their family are drinkers. I went to the funeral, along with the other people from the camping group and other dicks from high school who knew the boys, the family and their uncle. It was okay, but I'm so glad I left when I did. It turns out that shit went sour a little after midnight. Manwhore had locked himself in the bathroom with yet another chick. Melanie was with the group, yelling at him to get out. My name was brought up... Anyway, it was very awkward and stupid and I shouldn't care about that particular group of people. They're assholes. Sometimes I really don't like Melanie's taste in people. Just because she likes them doesn't mean I have to.

Oh yea, and the last thing that really pisses me off... I remember Ivan mentioning to me, in a half drunken state about two weeks after the incident, that I was the strongest swimmer in the group and probably could have saved him. What the fuck is that shit? That right there changed my opinion about the guy. I mean, you NEVER say that to someone. How RUDE.

Again and again I ask myself... WHY do I let these little, insignificant things bother me? Because I'm so insecure and wear my emotions on my sleeve. Actually, it's more like a giant neon billboard. And I'm passive aggressive. I can never tell people how much they piss me off to their faces. I never stand up for myself the right way. That and I'm constantly comparing myself to others. In my eyes, everyone is more accomplished, makes more money and just...just has more. Christ, I really need to get a grip. That's a terrible way to look at things. Okay, so I know these things about myself. I can't fix them, it's how I'm wired. I don't know if I'll ever be comfortable in my own skin...that's what's holding me back.

This was another entry written in spurts. I need to stop now and really concentrate again. It's that time of day and if I distract myself I'll never get anything done. It's my birthday but I should really do SOME work. I mean, I am being PAID and all.

Quick updates for a Friday

I hung out with the two girls Cathy(ie) last night and Cathie took this nice shot of me with her ifone. I must say I love how it turned out, hence my posting it here and on good 'ol fakebook. It was lovely to see them again, as it had been too long. We hung out just in time for my birthday, which is coming up next Tuesday. I am turning 32 and now officially thirty-something. In' 'nat sumthin'.

My couple of days in Chicago for the catalog meeting went very well. Another year, another meeting... Wow. I stayed in almost the same room, on the same floor of the hotel that I did last year and the year before. It was strange, I felt like I'd just been there and it had already been another year. I don't like that feeling. We did the same thing, made a presentation to a set of small groups of our clients on our status and our plans for the coming year. After two days of the same presentation, I was very happy we weren't going to be there for the whole week. I couldn't imagine how sick of the whole thing I'd be by Friday.

There were same representatives from each company... I tell ya, some of them reeeeally appreciate that hotel bar. It's interesting to watch your colleagues cut loose in the bar on a Tuesday night. I spent an hour or two in the bar on Monday and Tuesday night, then it was up to my room to read the stupid book I'd picked up at the airport. I had dinner with the boss on Sunday and Monday nights n' that was nice, too.

Speaking of the stupid book... I don't know why I picked out this particular one. It's a murder mystery but so predictable and boring. The main characters are typical good-looking lawyer and doctor. They've lost their 16 year old boy! Oh no! He might be involved in the death of one of the other character's 15 year old boy! Oh dear! It's only about a 5 or 600 page book and I'm usually able to finish one of that length over my trip. But I got a little held back on this one because of all the breederific comments in it. You know, 'cause I happen to be sensitive to that shit right now.

These aren't exact quotes, but I read many things along these lines...

"A depostion over the weekend when her beloved son was missing? Her boss was alone, she chose a career over having a husband and children. How could she possibly understand what it was like to go through something like this?"

"She lay in the fetal position on her son's bedroom floor, thinking of how she used to watch him sleep and marvel at his innocence."

"How could they spy on their son? It felt so wrong invading his privacy like this, but as responsible parents, it was something they had no choice but to do. The boy spent so much time on that computer and they had to explore the secrets it held or they just might lose him for good."

"Father to father. That's how they needed to discuss this."

"That was before she had children. Before she knew that she could love someone more than herself."

OH PUH-yooook me a river. Anyway, they were lying on the back cover when they said it'd be a book that I wouldn't be able to put down.

Now I'm back at the office, keeping things going with my lovely coworker until the boss comes back at the beginning of June. She put us on full time hours, at least until she returns. I hope our sales continue to be decent so we can continue to get at least a few more hours per week during the summer. That would be nice, seeing as I'm already burnt out on this job search crap. I know, I'm not going to give up completely. I'm still keeping my eyes somewhat open.

Damn it, I just realized I forgot to bring my fish painting to work so I can get a nice picture of it to post. I'm hoping to get back to painting the two little fish pictures this weekend so I can have three finished fishies to post. It's comin', it's comin'...

So life keeps on going. Tonight I'm hoping to hang out with Melanie. It's been quite some time since we've done anything together also. It's funny because I always see her dad at these conventions and meetings that I go to because he's in the same industry. He helped me get this job. As usual, we had lunch with him on one of the days in Chicago. He only stays the first couple of days as well.

I hope Ron and I make it to the beach tomorrow. We want to go have breakfast down there and then he wants to check out a bike store in the area. He's been looking for a special set of tires for the racing bike he's been trying to finish for the past few months. Yay.

Welp, it's time to pay attention to work if I want to be able to leave on time today. Bye bye blogger.

I can't believe I'm so fucking stupid

I'm ashamed of myself... I was fooled AGAIN by some company claiming to be in affiliation with AssTits n' Tits long distance. This is not the first time I've fallen for something like this while working here. It's probably the third or so...and of course I'm being generous. It's happened way too many times. As usual, I was not paying as much attention to what they were saying as I should have. They claimed to have made a billing error that had affected a large area. They said they weren't authorized to make changes to the account, that this was just a reinstatement of the old billing. At first I did what I usually do to put these people off and told them that I was not allowed to do anything and that they'd have to speak to my boss, who was out of town until the end of the month. The woman insisted that they didn't need to talk to the owner, that an employee could help them. Okay... I even looked at the bill and didn't see their name anywhere on it. That right THERE was a HUGE red flag!

This happened yesterday afternoon. As I was driving home I realized what I'd done. After a little panic I told myself that there was nothing to be done about it at the time. I'd have to wait until this morning. I tried my best to put it out of my mind for the rest of the evening. First thing this morning, I called the 800 number they'd given me and asked for the fax I was supposed to receive, verifying everything. Sure as shit, the lady didn't know about any "reinstatement". I asked her what this establishment was and she gave me the familiar name. At least that was a break... She was in on it too. That's when the adrenaline started to flood my system and I became very light-headed.

I started to panic on the phone, my voice rose that high, shaky pitch that Ron loves so much... "What?! How did they have all of my account information?! Please cancel this right away! I am not authorized to make any changes to our account! Stop it! Stop it NOW!

I think she got the message.

"Let me have the phone number they associated with your account, please. Okay, it looks like the order has not gone through yet, I do not see you in the system. Don't worry, ma'am, I will make sure that the order is cancelled."

"YES, PLEASE!", I said in my most agitated and anxiety-stricken voice.

"It's okay, ma'am, I have cancelled all action."

I can't FUCKING BEELEEEIVE I fell for this shit again! I am so disappointed in myself! WHY DO I ALWAYS REALISE THESE THINGS AFTER THE DAMAGE IS DONE?! I should have hung up on the bitch the minute she insisted I speak to a third party! ARRGHG!!! How could I be so stupid??! This is exactly what Ron is talking about. This is exactly why I keep fucking up in life.

I made sure to call AssTits & Tits as well, to explain the situation. The woman had a very soothing voice. She said we had a freeze on the account and that no changes could be made anyway. She also made sure to put the notes in the system about the issue. So next week when I return from the trip, I'm going to call both parties again to be sure that nothing has happened. I cannot let my boss know any of this, she will lose all of what little faith she has left in me.

I have to stop trusting everyone. I make myself such an easy target for these fucking sharks. They're EVERYWHERE.

Kewt lil' squueeeaks

I'm sitting at a red light this morning and I hear the darling squeaks of a little black bird. Where is he? Waayyy up, hanging his cute little head out of a hole in the post, just a squeeeeakin' away. They're so beautiful, with shiny black iridescent feathers and bright yellow eyes. Then mommy comes flying back, swoops down and hovers a bit for daddy to ZOOOM outta the hole so she can flit right in to feed the babies. I love watching birds taking care of their young, especially when the males and females take turns in feeding and protecting the teeny squeakers. Aahh...spring.

Then we have my guys at home. Everybody's so broody... They're also molting so there are constant feathers flying. *sigh* Pickles continues to feed his rope toy with copious amounts of birdy barf, while Punkin' works away at the bottom of the cage shredding little strips of newspaper. Such a cute lovebird habit. It's interesting that Punkin' does only part of the 'nesting' job. He doesn't tuck the strips in his rump feathers and fly them up to build the 'nest' in another part of the cage. No, that's a female's job. He's only got the 'helping' part down. Hehehe... Toby parrotlet is also a little grumpy and broody, with pin feathers sticking all out of his teeny head. Not to mention all the humping that's going on. Punkin' is the only one who doesn't partake in a little masturbatory pleasure...that I've seen, anyway. Pickles is very obvious as he sways back and forth on his boingy rope like a little rodeo rider. Toby just sits on his rope perch, rubbing his little bottom back and forth making a very tiny and quiet 'sqeee-squee' noise. Isn't that nice? Yes, I'm entertained by my birds masterbating. Who knew?

So I'm working on two more tiny fish paintings. I finished the first one, which turned out okay. It was a practice piece, one that I painted over an old canvas. These next two are very small, about 3" x 3". I'm going to do three altogether, I'm just not sure what the third fish is gonna be just yet. I want them to go quick, but it's so hard to sit down and do it each night. Especially now that I'm back on full time hours for the month. I've been trying to do a little each night. I hope to be done with these two by early next week so I can finally take a picture of them and post them. I also want to take them over to the fish store guys and see if they'll sell 'em for me. It's a start. I just wish I could enjoy it. DAMN this anxiety!

At least it's Thursday already. At this time next week the convention will be overwith. I'm trying to look forward to it though. At least it's in a different city. Which reminds me, I need to check what the weather's like in Chicago about now.

Later!

Being self aware in a difficult relationship...

Something I read on another site that really hits home:

"All relationships leave very important clues about who and what we are. It’s much easier to delude ourselves into thinking we are blameless when we don’t have to look closely at history. Having a relationship history staring you in the face makes bullshitting yourself a LOT harder. Make a relationship history. Try to remember all the relationships that you have been involved within. Put them in chronological order. It can be useful to literally draw a vertical line and mark it off year by year so you can have a clear visual. Write about them. What motivated you to get into the relationship? How did it begin? What were you looking for from that relationship? What did you think the relationship was going to be about? What was good about it? What was not good about it? How long did it last? How did it end? Who ended it? How did you feel about the ending of the relationship? How did you feel about yourself? In a couple of sentences finish each relationship by finding one or two (or as many as you can think of) things that you could learn about yourself from the relationship.

Take your completed relationship history and look through it very carefully. Look for patterns, themes and repeating incidents. If this seems very difficult, do the exercise with someone who knows you well and can help you explore the patterns. It can be hard to ask for help for this undertaking. When we start seeing our own role and involvement in creating the messes in our lives it can be used to beat ourselves senseless with it. Blame, guilt and shame are absolutely counter productive here. You need to be able to identify the patterns so that you are free to change them. If it is all about everyone else and what they "did to you" it means you are a victim, helpless to affect change. When you can see where you are contributing to the problems, you can make changes. Personal accountability is the most empowering tool for healing. Sometimes we bitch about all the shit in our lives to our friends and intimates. Because these people love us, they listen and commiserate and comfort. This can be the safety valve that allows dysfunction to continue. We release that pressure and pain - remove the discomfort just enough so we can re-enter the situation and continue with it. This exercise is not about that kind of support. It is about getting the honest and direct third party feed back that encourages us to look deeply at ourselves and make changes. Prettying things up and spoon feeding us more bullshit is not useful. Ask for the truth and if the other person really gives a damn about helping you move forward - they will find the courage to tell you the truth.

Think about the relationships you saw as you grew up. How did your parent’s relationship work? Other family member’s relationships? What were you told about relationship and the nature of "love"? You are going to have to be aware that many of those messages will not be verbal - they will be unspoken and so much more powerful. If you have a sibling or other family member that you are close to, this can provoke very intense sharing that can prove mutually advantageous and powerful for gaining insight. Consider the qualities in your parent’s relationships that you are trying to either avoid or emulate in your own. Notice similarities and differences. Think of how you took on or rejected different aspects of the adults you grew up around. If you think you are avoiding making the same mistakes by saying, I will never be like my mother", think again. It seems to be that kind of thinking that attracts the exact same experiences. It’s like life says, ‘so you think you got it all figured out? Try this!’ Then there you are, just as fucked as ever your mother was - it might look different - but if the patterns manifest the same results - WAKE UP!

Try some free association. Take a few minutes and get comfortable. Find a blank piece of paper or use your word processor if it’s more comfortable. Think of the word "relationship" - and free associate - what are all the things that come up into your head about what relationship is, what it isn’t, what you want and what you don’t want. Keep going for as long as you can, write ALL the thoughts that come up whether they seem relevant or not - the trick is to NOT think - just let the thoughts flow. When you are finished take a look at what you have written - use a highlighter or colored pens or markers to circle the things that seem to be links to other themes or patterns you have noticed. Are there items that make you feel good and that you want to incorporate into your relationship? Are there items in your list that make you feel uncomfortable? Do some of the things surprise you? Take some time and really examine your list - this is the extraneous dross that goes on in the back of your mind all the time - this exercise just moves your unconscious thoughts to a conscious place where you can have a look at them. You can do this as many times as you want.

Ask yourself what being in a relationship allows you to not have to face or address about yourself or your own life. Some of these things are difficult to get to. For example, did you grow up believing that being in a relationship would make it so you didn’t have to be responsible for yourself financially, emotionally or socially? Relationships can be a great way of not having to face the things we could or even should do in our own lives. We can postpone our own decisions, not strive for our own goals, and forget our own ambitions and dreams. We can avoid having to find out how we would fare in the world on our own, and that means we can avoid being responsible for our own lives and always have another person, or people, to blame for why we don’t succeed. It means we don’t have to face our own fears. Sometimes maintaining a bad or abusive relationship saves us from having to figure out how to support ourselves financially, or return to school, or to be a single parent, or to date again, or to possibly have to be alone for a long time. Sometimes even a shit relationship can feel safer than figuring out what you need to do for yourself.

Make a list of all the things that are important to you in your life. What people matter to you? Are you maintaining quality relationships with the people who matter to you? If you are not, why aren’t you? What are the things you want to do, be, achieve? Are you doing what is necessary to get to those places? If not why aren’t you? Often we put other relationships on hold and stop doing the activities that nurture and nourish. Sometimes it is because the energy to maintain an abusive or dysfunctional relationship is so high that there is no energy left over to do anything else at all. Sometimes it is because we get lazy and start to skim along the surface of our lives rather than delving into the meat and potatoes of it. Sometimes it is ignorance. We don’t take the time to figure out who we are and so we don’t notice when we aren’t being ourselves. This is an exercise that pinpoints our excuses, all the reasons we allow ourselves to opt out of the responsibility for our own lives. If you were to take each of those reasons or excuses and come up with three proactive steps to change it - you would be well on your way to a more balanced and healthful life, which includes balanced and healthful relationships.

A final exercise that is easily incorporated into a life strategy is looking at developing personal responsibility and accountability. This is not the type of responsibility that occurs from balancing your checkbook or getting to work on time, although that can be a part of it. Rather it is learning to become self aware and live authentically. Throughout the day ask yourself what you think, what you feel, what you believe. When you answer those questions, check to make sure you are acting in a way that is congruent with what you believe, think and want. Everything you say and do moves you one step closer to where you want to be and who you want to become (and let’s face it, life is very much a work in progress). If what you are doing isn’t taking you forward, it is taking you one step farther from where you want to be. No one else makes these choices for you. You are the only person in the driver’s seat of your life. Where you end up is completely dependent on what you are willing to do in between now and then."

I'd better get started on all of these lists. Shit, being healthy takes too much of an effort. Fuck it. I'll just continue making excuses for why I'm 'stuck'.

Don't you hate it when you read something and it describes all of your mistakes? It's so true, if only I'd taken more time to think about what I was getting myself into. Such a common mistake. All I can say is that I'm working on it. Things will work out one way or another.