I discovered a new diary read today. In my exploration of the site, I found something that really touched my heart. Thank you so much, MOO for sharing such beautiful thoughts on marriage. Of course I emailed this to Ron right away. Now I feel like I should have saved it 'cause I'm just BOMBARDing him with love this week. HA! Oh well, he needs it! So here it is...
"Why Marriage?"
"Because to the depths of me, I long to love one person,
With all my heart, my soul, my mind, my body...
Because I need a forever friend to trust with the intimacies of me,
Who won't hold them against me,
Who loves me when I'm unlikable,
Who sees the small child in me, and
Who looks for the divine potential of me...
Because I need to cuddle in the warmth
of the night
With someone who thanks God for me,
With someone I feel blessed to hold...
Because marriage means opportunity to grow in love in friendship...
Because marriage is a discipline
To be added to a list of achievements...
Because marriages do not fail, people fail
When they enter into marriage
Expecting another to make them whole...
Because, knowing this, I promise myself to take full responsibility for my spiritual, mental and physical wholeness
I create me,
I take half of the responsibility for my marriage
Together we create our marriage...
Because with this understanding
The possibilities are limitless"*Whew* Now I have to go wipe the mush off my feet...
What a great evening. I set my mind to be in a good mood and make it a special evening for Ron and I did. First, I remembered some things that he'd mentioned he wanted and needed so I went out and got them. Then I went to the store and picked up all the fixings for his favorite dinner. He was so happy! We put all our crankiness aside and had a wonderful time, just like we always used to. These are the times we need to especially enjoy. Because I know and I've said many times before that this is only the beginning and it just gets tougher. Ups and downs. Gotta learn to deal with them and have a better attitude. Don't be a brat, don't let it get to that!I just found out that I have a four day weekend coming up for the 4th! Hurraaaayyy! I know my boss has plans to go out of town on Friday and I was afraid I'd have to come into the office on Monday. I'm so glad I don't have to because Ron has Monday off, too. Plus, Devin is coming into town on Thursday. Melanie and I are gonna pick him up from the airport. I'm looking so forward to it! We haven't seen him since the China trip. He'll be staying for about three weeks so we're going to try to plan a camping trip for all of us. I can't wait!I have to go do some inventory now. Wooooowee. Bleh. Bye bye for now!
You know, I am being very selfish. Ron has done so much for me, he's surprised me and made me feel special on so many occasions. He's spoiled me and I think he deserves some spoiling himself. He doesn't have much fun in life unless HE is the one putting it together. No one ever surprises him or makes him feel special. That is MY job and I've been slacking off quite a bit lately. All I've done is take take take. It's time to stop expecting so much and to give back.
I got the kiddie pool on Friday after work and I am so glad I did. It's been a very hot and humid few days. Less than ten dollars for a 12" deep, 46" diameter wading pool. I sat in a folding lawn chair with a beer and a magazine with my feet soaking in that thing for hours on Saturday. Very relaxing.
The weekend was pretty good, although Ron and I were kind of tired and cranky through most of it. This band that Ron, Melanie, her brother, his girlfriend and I had seen about a month ago was throwing a big blowout party on Saturday night. The members of the band were renting these two little houses that shared a huge backyard. They were known to throw huge parties there on occasion, Melanie had told me about how awesome the last one was. This was their final party on the property, as they've been kicked out because the land has been sold for development. So Melanie and I made a point to go, whether anyone else wanted to join us or not. Ron didn't want to go because he was too tired from the week and apparently, is plain sick of the whole 'party scene'. He says it's boring standing around talking to people all night. I can't deny that I was disappointed he didn't want to go, but I can also understand. It was hot and he was tired from a long week. But no matter how much I'd missed him during the week, I just didn't feel like sitting around at home. I felt like being social. I ended up going to the party with Melanie, her boyfriend Ivan, her brother Michael and his girlfriend Susan. They're a very fun group and we had a lovely time. The band played a huge set, took a break and played another set. By a third of the way throught the second set, I was buzzed enough to do a little dancing. Well, it was more like hip swaying and knee buckling! But it was fun, nonetheless.
Sunday I woke up early with Ron to get my laundry done. He had rested all night so was able to hop outta bed at 8:30 a.m. to head to the mat. I, on the other hand, was not so enthusiastic. I'd gotten to bed by about 4:00 a.m. But I needed to get my laundry done and knew I would just end up sleeping the day away and avoiding it unless I forced myself to do it during the morning. With the help of a caramel macchiato from Starbucks, I got my four loads done, folded and put away. Hallelujiah! Then I took a three hour nap and woke up feeling like I was suffocating in a hot, steamy cave. Time for a dip! Hehe...
Late Sunday afternoon was a graduation party for my little friend Paul. I've mentioned him here before, not sure which entry... He's the 12 year old half brother of my friend Marguerite. He is a functioning autistic and loves animals. He's had his cockatiel, Gloria, for about a year now and is fascinated by all things parrot. This has lead to a friendship between us. He's such a sweet kid. We talk about once a week or so and sometimes have little "play dates" with our birds. Anyway, he graduted from 6th grade this past week. This is a big accomplishment for him (and his parents for that matter) because he graduated from a regular school. His mom called last week to invite me to the graduation festivities...a pizza party for friends and family. She said to feel free to bring my fiance because she hadn't met him yet. Again, it was a no-go for Ron. Just another boring party. Again, I was disappointed and didn't do so well at not showing it. But what else could I do but suck it up and go by myself? I had a good time and enjoyed meeting some of the extended family. I spent about two and a half hours there and then went home to hose myself off and relax with Ron.
That was my weekend. Fabulous and exciting, no? No. I'm trying not to be a spiteful brat toward Ron but it's been tough. Especially on Saturday when he refused to go to the party. I understand he was tired, but he slept a lot that day. I went to bed at about 1 a.m. and he at 4 a.m. We slept until 2:00 p.m. on Saturday. We ate lunch and I went to sit in the pool for a while... When I came back into the house, he was in bed again. I was bored, didn't know what to do with myself so I started cleaning. I was feeling espeically bratty so I turned on the vacuum. He got pissed and left. When he came back he asked me why I was being so selfish. I told him that I wanted him to hang out with me, that I missed him, that I didn't want him to sleep all damn day. Then I just apologized. And apologized. I should have talked to him instead of being a spiteful turd. I don't know. I'm still a little bit mad at him. His attitude comes and goes. You know, it's NEVER just over after one or two talks. Fuck, I've been writing this for way too long. I gotta get the rest of my work done. Shit...my hair is going absolutely crazy today because it is extremely muggy out. I look like Sheena of the jungle! Okay, enough blather. For now.
It's the end of an unbelievably long week. As of this morning, I've got my car back. It was the ingnition switch that had burned out. Absolutely nothing to do with the engine that they replaced a few months ago. Therefore, I had to pay for it. So almost $300 later (with Rons help), I have my car again. I made sure to tell her, as I was driving into work, to please stop fucking up on me now. This was her third trip to the doctor in the past 8 months. It's a good thing she chose this year to be a bitch. I don't know what I would have done without Ron. Well, yes I do...and it involves credit card debt.
Well, Melanie helped me out AGAIN in my time of need. She ended up coming to my rescue when I was stranded at work on Wednesday. Actually, it was her lovely boyfriend who picked me up. He is such a sweetheart. Melanie picked me up yesterday without a problem. Then she, her boyfriend and I went to dinner and had a good 'ol time. *sigh*...I really want to get the hell out of L.A. one day soon and the only one I'm really going to miss is Melanie. I feel like she is my only real friend. Besides Ron, OBVIOUSLY. As I've grown older, I've grown apart from my friends. She's the only one I've actually grown closer to. She's like a sister to me now. I am very lucky to have Melanie and Ron because some people have absolutely NO one.
I know it's quite common, but I feel like I'm surrounded by people and yet, still so very lonely. I miss Ron every day... I find myself reaching out to people I used to know on Myspace, even the ones I really don't care for. What a waste of time. Nothing irks me more than being friendly toward these people and getting NOTHING in response. Fuck you, asshole. Seriously, why do I BOTHER? I know it's a waste of energy to get so caught up in this crap. I realize that, I really do. But I long to go to a place where the people are friendly and open and not trying to boost an ego or cover up some insecurity. I know that most of us are insecure in our own way, but seriously, what is everyone so fucking afraid of?! I seriously have to stop letting these stupid things bother me.
I'm not sure if I mentioned it here, but I actually wrote this person a long email a few weeks ago. I was alone on a Friday night, waiting for Ron to get home. This is the woman I met on a parrot site a few years ago. The Bird Brainz site on my side panel. After a few dozen emails, it seemed like we had a lot in common. I was sorely mistaken. Last year she joined Myspace and I've watched her turn into a completely different person. I just wanted to find out why she suddenly stopped confiding in me, why her emails went from, "I love you, you're so great, omigawd we have SO much in common, we're TWINS, we HAVE to meet and go camping blah blah blah..." to two or three sentences about the weather. Well, not about the WEATHER, but you know what I mean. I'm glad I wrote that email, it felt good to get all those feelings out. I needed some closure. She sent me a nice answer, too. She basically said that she didn't mean to hurt my feelings, that she was going through a very lonely time when we started emailing. Now she's back to her "social butterfly" self. I am certainly no social butterfly. I'm more like a social...uh...pill bug. Or snail. Yea, snails aren't very social. A very sensitive snail who tries way too fucking hard and really needs to get a life.
Okay, enough about that shit...
Anyway, there are no plans for this weekend, in particular, though I do hope to get the fuck out of my hot house at some point. Apparently, it's supposed to be nothing less than a scorcher for at least the next four days. Beach, here we come. I am definately going to head to the toy store after work today and get myself what I like to call a ghetto pool. Aaahhh...the bright-colored plastic with little seahorses and starfish staring up at me. I thought of getting one several times last year, but never got around to it. I have to do it today. I need a water refuge, no matter how small. That, coupled with a twelver of a favorite brew, equals cool relief. Ron might very well come home to a bikini-clad me, sleeping in my little oasis in the middle of the livingroom.
Okay, I'm avoiding work as usual. I'll leave you with some more ~flashbacks~ from last year. I've got more than one... Apparently June 2005 was a busy month in writing!
~Flashback 1~~Flashback 2~~Flashback 3~~Flashback 4~~Flashback 5~~Flashback 6~Okay, shit...I know...that's enough! Those are for those of you who really like to READ. Ha.
Later.
A very strange thing happened yesterday, not too long after I finished my entry. I began to feel nauseous. I thought nothing of it...thought it would go away after a bit. No, instead it got steadily worse. I tried sipping tea and nibbling crackers to "settle" things, but soon after the sipping and nibbling I found myself crouched over the toilet in the classic puking stance. Relief followed, but was brief. After two more launches, I decided that it was best to go home. I couldn't concentrate at all because the nausea kept returning. I even had to pull my car over on the way home and puke in a bush. THAT's certainly something I've never done before! I didn't care who was looking (luckily, I don't think anyone saw) I just wanted to get it out fast so I could get home and sleep away whatever was upsetting my stomach so much. And sleep I did. Luckily I didn't wake up nauseous anymore. I just slept until about 8:30 p.m., at which time I actually had what felt like the return of a small appetite. So I had some more tea and nibbled some toast. This time it stayed down...ahhhh. I watched a bit of t.v. and then it was back to bed.This morning I woke up feeling better. Still a little weak, but better. So I dressed and headed off to work. Then another strange thing happened... I was not half a block from work when my car engine just turned off. I was like, "What the??", as I coasted to a parking spot right in front of my work building. I felt lucky that my car ran to the point that it did, AND to get a parking spot right in front of the building. Once I was safely parked, I tried the engine. It turned but didn't start up and keep running. Hmmm... So I called Ron and he came to my rescue. First he checked it out and then he decided to call his friend at the shop that replaced my engine. We had it towed there and I have yet to find out what is wrong with it. So now I'm trying to find a ride home, as Ron will be working by the time I get off. Did I mention how much I LOVE his schedule? *sigh* First I tried Melanie, but she's got a meeting after work. Now I'm trying my friend Janine...she's got some stuff that she's trying to reschedule and then she'll get back to me. If that doesn't work out I'm not sure what I'm gonna do. I suppose I could take the bus. I'm ashamed to say that I haven't taken the bus in something like 15 years. I don't even know the routes from here. Am I spoiled or what?! I guess I could ask my boss for a ride home... It sure sucks to be stranded!These things, along with work being kinda shitty, have made for a not so good start of my week. I'm starting to feel weak and tired again, I only had a little soup earlier today. I just want to go home and bury myself in bed.
I am SO tired this morning. I'm at my limit again, I've gone to bed way too late that past couple of nights and I'm not doing well at all. I need my sleep in a bad way. I can't wait until this day is over. The weekend was lots of fun. Friday night Melanie and I headed to our friend Richs neck of the woods, by the beach, for his birthday get together. He decided to have it at a little bar and grill a few blocks from the beach. Great atmosphere and nice people. It was fab seeing Rich again, haven't seen him in almost a year! He and I talked and talked about wedding plans. He is going to be a huge help, as he is head caterer at a hotel and plans weddings all the time. Ron and I plan to get together with him in the next couple of weeks.Saturday morning Ron and I had an appointment to check a nice hotel that's near my work. It was much better than the last place we visited a few months ago. Amazing what a difference a person who knows what they're doing makes. I barely had to ask any questions! We both liked it a lot so it's going to be a big consideration...so far. Things are moving right along now and I don't feel as stressed about it anymore. I JUST WANT TO GET MARRIED! WEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!Saturday afternoon we took my dad to a car show for Father's Day. My dad has been retired for a couple of years and has rebuilt an old volkswagen bug convertable. He is ready for his next project, hopefully a hotrod. This show was perfect for him, he had such fun looking at all the old cars, talking to people, getting ideas... He and Ron talked a lot while I ran around frantically snapping pictures of AMAZING cars. So many photo ops, a photographers wet dream. I'm no photographer, but I did get some great shots. Including one of Ron and I, IN THE SAME PICTURE. FINALLY. The show was a great success!Sunday, Ron and I stayed home and tootled around the house. We didn't go to the family father's day thing because it was far away and we'd taken my dad out the day before. It was a nice change from the usual meeting of the family at some restaurant. It was such a hot day and I had gotten burned on Saturday, so I was just hot and tired. And hot. And tired. Bleh. But we got a little bit done and then rested most of the day. Then we started watching movies, listening to music, playing on the computer... Didn't get to bed until 2 a.m.! Okay, I'm tired and I have to get some work done. I'll leave ya with some nice pictures from the show. 
LOOK! He does exist! And we're TOGETHER!
Dad and future son-in-law bonding. AWWwwwww!
No, he just can't smile for a close up!
I'm roddin'!
It's a silver bullet!
Ooooooooooooooh, peeeeeeeeerdy!
Look at that crazy beehive lookin' thing!
This one turned out just plain funky. That's the reflection of the car behind me as I was taking a shot of the very realistic flames on the side of another car. I've never seen flames like that!Okay, that's it... Later!
You gotta check this site out. It's great fun! Draw me something!
Okay, Zoot, I was a bad bad girl. I didn't do my homework last night. But I still wanted to do it and was gonna try to get to it sometime this weekend...SWEAR! Now I don't have to write a letter. It seems that I was actually able verbalize all of my thoughts to Ron this morning. I'm so proud of myself. I was able to tell him that I really didn't appreciate the way he was acting toward me, that this behavior is not supportive at all. I even said, "I don't like being chastized like a child! I am perfectly capable." And he agreed, wholeheartedly, that he has not been handling things well. Work has been stressing him so much, especially the people. I told him what I have observed and concluded and he took it all in stride and apologized again. Ah, he sure does listen and understand when he is in the mood. Hell, he's a libra, just like my boss. A moody dudie. He also said, "I don't want you to have to "deal" with me, as in these moods." I replied with, "That's just the way it goes in a relationship. Dealing with your partner. SUPPORTING them. You get depressed, angry, etc...I get depressed, angry, etc. We're HUMAN." And I mentioned counseling again. He's still somewhat receptive. He agrees he has issues (with his dad, too) and he wants to try to sort as much out by himself as he can before he gets help. That's fine with me. We are in tune. I am so happy to be there to love, support and understand him because it looks like I am the first one to do that in a very long time. And I will still write a letter if I have to. I have all the documentation that I need right here. All the documention that I'm sharing with the fucking planet. Ron would not like that. But he doesn't have to know. *wink* *wink*
Okay, on to other things...
Did I mention that I gave myself a haircut about a month ago? Not sure if I did... Well, usually after about a month or so I can see how it's growing out and I can positively say, so far so good! I got a couple of pretty decent haircuts from the cute girl at Supercuts but as usual, they started to grow out kind of weird. It's only because I'm still in the correction/growing out phase from the abortion of a haircut I got from my "salon" guy about six months ago. I've had to consistently trim it every two months since that mess. Now it's finally starting to look the way I want it and not like I'm wearing a fucking football helmet. I HATE HATE HATE layered cuts in which the bottom is longer than the top. You know, where the sides are short, the bangs are short...looks like a MULLET. And it grows out horribly. ESPECIALLY with this curly ass hair I've got. Curly hair looks much better when there is weight on the bottom.
From watching these so called "experts" all these years, I was able to give myself what's called an "undercut". It's where they part your hair into three sections (part in the middle, bottom half), put two of the sections in a clip or scrunchie and bring down a layer on the neck part. The thickness of the layer you bring down depends on how many layers you want in the undercut. It's usually one layer, closest to the neck and the shortest, another layer that's about a half inch longer and then you bring down the rest of the hair (still parted in the middle) that should be cut so it's a half in longer than the second layer. Easy, right? Except for the fact that I kinda suck at parting my hair evenly. That's where having curly hair comes in handy. Doesn't matter if it's a tad uneven 'cause it won't show! I've always liked how the undercut makes my hair fall so it's heavier on the bottom. This makes the curls turn to ringlets. The only other layers I like are the sides next to my face being a little shorter than the bottom and tapered to the neck...and then maybe some bangs that go to the middle of my face or maybe my chin. THREE layers, as opposed to FIVE. I tapered the sides by wetting my hair and sticking it to my face. Then I dragged the scissors down each cheek, being sure to trim in a straight line toward the bottom.
So there you have it. Lessons in haircuts. Now go give yourself one and send me pics. HAHAHA! Now I'm gonna let it grow out for a while. I'll probably get a cut from Supercuts girl just to even things out for good in about four months or so. I want my hair to be a little bit past my shoulders for my wedding. I think that's a possibility!
In other news (I like this segue, lotsa people use it), I was listening to Depeche Mode this morning, as I've been in what I like to refer to as "The Depeche Mode Mood". It happens when I hear a song on the radio or listen to one from my library. Then I just have to listen to another album from my library. Yes, they are my all time favorite band and no, I'm not a gay man. Anyway, I was listening to the song "Get Right with Me", hence the title of this entry, and I like the words. I believe they refer to God. I like that Mr. Blasphemous wrote these words because they have a nice message. I think. Unless I'm interpereting it COMPLETELY wrong...
I will have faith in man
That is hard to understand
Show some humility
You have the ability
Get right with me
Friends if you've lost your way
You will find it
Again some day
Come down from your pedistals
Open your mouths that's all
Get right with me
Life is such a short thing
That I cannot comprehend
But if this life were a bought thing
There are ways I know we'd mend
People take my advice
Already told you once
Once or twice
Don't waste your energy
Making apologies
Get right with me.
Yea, got it right with Ron. Still working on getting it right with God. You know I believe in you, right Big Guy? Ooops....I know hate being called that!
Now, I leave with a drawing that one of my "friends" (an old highschool aquaintance) on Myspace posted to my page. We were both on swim team, and I drew this...I think like in 10th grade. HAHAHAHA! I was still trying to get people down...
Later!
I have an all white kitty and I STILL haven't painted his ass for Halloween. It's about time I take advantage of that loverly white canvas, doncha think?I liked this email that I received and you KNOW what I have to do when I get an email I like, right? Why, post it HERE of course! I especially like numbers 3 and 6. How 'bout you?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over?
2. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
3. My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.
4. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
5. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
6. Remember, some people are alive simply because it is illegal to shoot them.
Okay, so here I am at work unable to concentrate again. I just have to write in between tasks. I have a lot on my mind. Namely, where my relationship is going. I received some very helpful insight in my comments that I will take to heart. That's part of why I write here, to get helpful insight from you guys. In other words...free therapy! Thanks so much... Last night I ended up stopping at my brothers and we made a nice spaghetti dinner. That helped alleviate my loneliness. Then I went home and played with the pets for a bit before I passed out on the couch. Ron woke me at about 2 a.m. (as usual) and my tongue was firmly stuck to the roof of my mouth. Ew. And ouch! After a guzzle of water from the sink it was crash into bed time. I really wanted to talk to and hug Ron more, but I was doing a mid-sleep body transfer and wanted nothing but to go back to deep sleep. Now I'm still not awake. Ughggahhag.I've decided that since I love writing so much, I'm going to sit my butt down and write Ron a letter about how he's been making me feel about myself. In it, I am going to mention marriage counseling again. I mentioned it to him last week and he seemed receptive. We really do need it, as we need to get some things out into the open in front of a third party. I have determined, many times actually, that he is simply not happy with where he is and as much as he wants to deny it, he's got ISSUES. He is taking it out on me and he needs to know this. Then he can deny and argue all he wants...in front of a counsellor. Everyone has their own set of problems and sometimes they need a little help sorting them out. There is nothing wrong with that.Shit, this isn't working. I seriously gotta concentrate... I'll be back later. Maybe.
Sunday was the best. The first visit to the beach this year. We went with my cousin Mark and his son, Mason again. It was a gray morning, like it usually is in June, and so we didn't get as much of an early start as we usually do. Once we left we only drove about halfway there and then pulled off the freeway to have lunch at a lovely little bar and grill. Two beers and a philly cheese steak later, we were off to the beach. We went to one that's a little further up the coast than our usual one. It had many more rocks, some of them with little caves to explore. All we did was walk around and explore and then lay on the beach for a while. The water was way too cold to even put a toe in. But it's so nice to listen to...I can think of nothing more relaxing than the swoosh-swoosh-swooshing of the ocean.We only spent about an hour there and then decided to go home and have a BBQ. Ron made his fabulous BBQ burritos. And we drank lots and lots and lots 'o beer. I've pretty much quit drinking beer, especially during the week. It just makes me feel so damn bloated. Not to mention the fact that I've lost 8 pounds since quitting! But I've also been watching my portions... Anyway, I allowed myself to splurge on Sunday. And SPLURGE I did!!! I'm a lightweight again and after five beers I was fuh-ay-ded. You know how it is when you've got a good buzz happening and then the FOOD comes in? Yea, I munched and munched. Mmmm-bobba!!I also loaded a whole lotta music onto my player. That thing is great, it plays music, videos and holds pictures too! You put an album on it and it downloads all the info from the internet...song names, album cover, release date... I can't believe I went so long without one! I'm such a techno-phobe. It's still not going to replace my CDs though, because it only holds 500 songs. It'll be cool to put albums on and then take them off. Yay, I wuv my new toy!Okay, that's about all the shit I'm spewing today. I'm off to go home and be alone. *sigh* I don't feel like being alone tonight. I tried to make plans but they fell through the last minute so now I have nothing to do. I'm feeling extra lonely today. I know I should enjoy it, but I don't feel like it. I don't wanna go home. I'm a little depressed today, too. Ron has been much better, but there's still an issue and it's making me feel bad. The issue is me, really. He thinks I'm a ditzoid. He hasn't outright CALLED me that...he just says that he worries a lot about me because I don't seem to be all there. I forget things, I don't listen, etc. I tell him that this is just how I am...I'm a ditzy, on Mars...I've always been that way, regardless of the pot I've smoked. Hell, I've made it THIS far. But now he's making me nervous and therefore, I do the duh's more often. He says he doesn't want to do the extra WORK it takes to deal with that. He also wants me to quit Paxil. He says that it will cause birth defects and the sooner I get off it the better. I don't want to, but I do. But I'm so afraid. He still doesn't understand. I feel like he's not satisfied with the way that I am. Like he wants more from me. "What are your goals?", he asks. I honestly don't know. I don't have any. What ARE my goals? I don't care.I just feel like a huge dork lately, too. Like no one cares or understands. I'm worried about a lot of things. I don't know. I'm just making myself feel worse right now. I'd better go.
The weekend turned out...and it turned out SWELL. Almost the complete opposite of last week. Saturday morning I got up early and it was off to meet Melanie (maid of honor) and Lisa (bridesmaid) so that we could drive to my parents house and get together with my mom. Poor mom is freaking the hell out because I haven't done much in terms of wedding planning. The biggest concern right now is setting the place and the date. And you know how men are...I thought I had these things pretty much figured out, until Ron decided to pipe in with HIS opinion. *rolling eyes* So it was imperative that we (the four hens) get together on Saturday to sorta kick things off. The plan for the day was a trip to David's Bridal (a GODSEND of a place) to start looking for a dress and then a sit down lunch, at which we would make lists of what needs to be done first.The day was a great success. First I registered and then I got to register for Ron to come in and check out the line of tuxes from a company their affiliated with. They made it so Eeeeeeeeeeeasy. I loved almost ALL of the 8 or 9 dresses I tried on. What girl doesn't love standing on a pedestal before a three-way mirror looking at herself in what can only be described as a GLORIOUS dress? I kept turning around and around, standing on my tip-toes, waving my hands around like a retarded fairy. I felt like...like a girl. Like a princess. I know, *gag* I seem to have narrowed it down to six dresses thus far. We made sure to get the item numbers so that I can look the dresses up online and try to decide. And of course we're going to go back. There are the bridesmaids dresses, too. It'll be either just the girls and I, or my mom, too. It was great to have Lisa along because she's been to more weddings, this year alone, than I think I've been to in my lifetime. She knows her shit, especially when it comes to picking out dresses. At lunch we wrote down things like, #1. PICK THE DAMN DATE AND PLACE!!!#2. Lists of places and so on and so forth...GO TOGETHER with Ron to check them out!#3. Design invitations (I want to draw them)#4. Call here#5. Call thereYou get the idea. I feel much better about the plans. Just take it one step at a time and don't get overwhelmed with all of the bullshit. There is SO MUCH bullshit it's rediculous. I'm like, I don't CARE...I just want a simple wedding with the basics.After my parents house I went home to take a nap. Melanie went home to finish getting ready for the BBQ we were having that night. Our first "couples evening". Melanie and Ivan, Tyra and Tony and Ron and I. Ron had gone to his cousins, about an hour away, to pick up his long lost surfboard. I had told him about the BBQ earlier in the week and that day. He knew about plans, right? Plans that I had gone ahead and made for us because that's what he wants me to do sometimes. Take charge, right? Well he started tossing back beers with his cousin around 11:30 a.m. He called me at quarter to six saying he was too faded to drive and that he would be home by about 7:45, just as soon as he sobered up some. *sigh* "Okay, honey." I really tried to be understanding, but he could tell I was kinda pissy. And rightfully so. I know he wasn't too crazy about our evening plans but hell, they were PLANS. And I really wanted to see Tyra and her cute little boy. Damnit. So Ron didn't get home until 8:30. He called on the way home, apologizing his head off. I was understanding. "Fine honey, no prob." Really though, it was cool. I didn't want to be too uptight. He got home and we took the short drive to Ivan's. He lives a block away from the street I grew up on. Five minutes away from where I live now. Sweeeeet.Oh dear, I must cut this short for now. Food's here. I'll finish it a little later. I have to eat lunch now...we got to order out 'cause it was the shipping lady's birthday last week! Woowoo!
I had been meaning to post a picture of these, too. Someone on the Bird Brainz site I visit regularly (on my sidebar, I'm too lazy to link) posted them. Aren't they awesome?! They're parrot flowers from Thailand. I wish I could find some of these here, let alone keep them alive. I'm good with pets, but plants...uhhhh...not so good. I'm working on it! Nature is astounding, isn't it? I can't wait to move somewhere close to nature, a woodsy place. I'd love to be able to take walks through the woods or a forest during those times I'm feeling overwhelmed by people's destruction. Of everything. Every day. Which I've been feeling quite often lately. Okay, back to work for me.
I had a nice entry in my head this morning, but every time I've tried blogger it's been down for maintenance! The waiting has been killing me!!! And it killed my inspiration as well, unfortunately. I'll just ramble like I always do.Yea...When I got into work this morning I got my usual number of spam emails in my Outlook account. I need to find a way to block the damn spam (oooo, that rhymes...catchy ain't it?) because it pisses me off. The names they use to get their stupid ass penis-enlargement drug emails through are fucking insane! Some examples...*Purls H. Earthlings* ~ Yea! Earthlings! I think I knew him in high school!*Nudism C. Predicament* ~ OOoooh, right! I worked with good 'ol Nudism at one of my temp jobs...*Bacon L. Tidewaters* ~ OH NO! How on earth did my fat ex boyfriend find me?!Insane, I tell you...INSANE! And who FALLS FOR THIS?! WHOEVER IT IS, STOP! YOUR PENIS IS FINE THE WAY IT IS!!!OH yea! Now I remember what I was going to talk about... I was listening to the annoying local radio DJs this morning, a rare thing for me because I hate the radio. I happened to tune in as they were talking about animation, a little bit of a sore subject for me. I rambled a bit about it in this entry. Anyway, they were talking to a guy (now I forgot his name and the name of his site, DAMNIT) who opened an animation studio (in some state that I also forget now) for animators who do it the old fashioned way...BY HAND. I came in when the guy was talking about how Disney has downsized so much since they do the majority of animation on computers now. He went on the compare works of art such as "Snow White" with "Toy Story" and how each is unique in its own way. He said that hand-drawn animation, when it is done right, is beautiful and takes so much effort. It shoul!dn't be completely wiped out by computer animation. It should continue to be appreciated for the art that it is. For the skill that it takes. I don't blame the DJs for getting bored with the guy because he did go on and on in a dry boring way and even used the word "Golly" twice! But he made some valid points that the DJs just didn't get because they haven't an INKLING of artistic sense when it comes to illustration and animation. Actually, they don't have much sense with music either, but that's beside the point. They kept saying stupid shit like, "But the computer animated movies look so cool!" and "Everything looks so real!"ARUGHGUGHGHGHGHH!!!!!!! DUMBASSES!!!!!!! YOU HAVE NO CLUE!!!!!!It pissed me off so I had to turn it. Mass produced shit is what it is to me. Countless video games (I detest most video games), stupid cartoons and full length animated movies that all look the fucking SAME to me. I have absolutely NO desire to see "Over the Hedge". More fucking computer animated animals. Art is such a difficult field because so much of it has been done before. However, I do want to see "Cars". And I DO like other movies like the Shreks and the Toy Stories and the Ice Ages. But they don't even come close to the hand-drawn ones, in my opinion. Sure, you can use computers to help the process...but for the WHOLE project?! Sure! Just churn them out so you can make more and more and MORE MONEY! Because we all know that Sonofabitchgoddamnmutherfucking MONEY rules the world!Ooooh...that's another thing I was thinking about. How would we function as a society without MONEY? Ah, but that's a topic for another entry. For now I'm just happy because I think that I've figured out FOR SURE that I NEVER want to work in the field of animation. If I do anything, it will be illustration. People can use computers for THAT, too, but that's okay...I guess. You know what it is? I'm getting older and becoming resistant to change. All these whipper-snappers who have got patience for NOTHING but instant gratification! All this newfangled hodgepodge! Why, when *I* was a kid... Heh. Can't be resistant to change. But I have a right to my opinion! And before I sign off... Good news! The MP3 player works! I'm finally with the times there! Now I get to do what I've been wanting to do for a while now...but I had to hold back because it was better than having nothing. I have to try to jog with my CD player, for old times sake. Then when it starts to skip I will first, remove my precious CD and THEN I get to THROW it as HARD as I can! Be it against a wall or the sidewalk, I want to see that piece o' shit SHATTER!!! MUUUAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!! I know I'm insane. That's fine. EEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeee!!!! DErrrrr!
The lovely Onewetleg let the raw emotions fly in this beautiful entry. Haven't we all felt the same way at times? It's called being a woman. We are the emotional equivalent of rocket science.
It's so hard not to be insecure sometimes. That entry made me think of my own, similiar self deprecating questions. Some more of those nasty what ifs. What if he fell in love with me and then discovered who I REALLY am and is disappointed? Am I too boring? Am I too needy? Am I too anxious? Too weak? Why am I depressed? Why can't I relax and do it later? Why does it matter? WHY don't I pay attention?!
It all works out in the end. We're human. Take the good with the bad and don't dwell on it. Remind yourself a trillion times, the same shit will come back until it's resolved. Life is complex but simple. Over and over and over again. Choose your battles!
And yes, men who flirt from the passenger seat are kinda scummy. But they're everywhere...on construction sites, mowing lawns, in the grocery store, walking down the street, on MYSPACE. They all want the same thing. Some of them are cute and it's a little less abrasive. It's great to have my own man who sees more to me. I have to convince myself that it's enough. I'm enough. He's worth it, worth everything.
I will end this stupid, ranting attempt at being creative with my words with this:
It's delightful to pick all the chocolate chips out of pre-made cookie dough, eat the chips and then roll up the dough into a worm and suck it down. Do this only AFTER eating succulent baked artichokes...with happy melty mozerella cheese, bread crumbs and dripping garlic butter. And WINE. Lord GOD, don't forget the wine!!! I am blessed with a tongue! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!
It's always good to be reminded that you are attractive. Especially when you've been feeling a tad less like pond scum in past weeks. Yesterday evening, as I was driving home from picking up Melanie's birthday gift, I received a compliment from a cute fellow in the car next to me. I was sitting at a red light, blasting the Gnarles Barkley CD I'd purchased over the weekend (GREAT, by the way) when I heard,"Hey! Excuse me!" I roll down my window to speak to the fellow in the passenger seat of what I assume is his buddy's car. "Yes?""I'm sorry, but would you happen to know where the nearest {Gas ripoff station} is?"Mind you, I've lived in the same city my ENTIRE life. However, when confronted with questions of this nature, ESPECIALLY coming from a cute stranger, I am almost always at a loss. Aware of my surroundings? Me? Of course not! I am terrible at knowing where the nearest ANYTHING is and usually have to look it up if I am in need. So I sit there and try...try to keep the heat from rising past my neck, try to come up with an answer...quick, yew eeeediot!!!"Uh, yea...you might try making a left on the next street. I'm pretty sure (always covers your ass) there's one a few blocks up." *genuine smile* "Okay, so make a left here? Cool, thanks a lot." *smiles back*By now the heat has undeniably risen to my face and I turn my head as I roll up the window partway. I'm thinking, "Look cool, don't look embarrassed...relaaaxxx...ah, look busy!" So I take a cigarette from my newly purchased pack. *flick* *flick* *PUUuufffffff* *Aaaahhh* Felt good. My first cigarette in days, as I've cut way back due to the phlegm fest in my chest. As I'm finishing blowing out the first puff, I hear,"Hey!"Roll down window again, "Yes?" *smile*"I just wanted to tell you that you looked really sexy when you lit your cigarette just then..."All attempts at keeping from blushing are now completely obliterated. HUGE FLUSH. FIRE. SMOKE FROM EARS."Why...uh...why, thank you!" *stoopid grin* "I think you're very pretty. I see a ring on your finger...engaged?""Y-yes, yea" *BLUSH*"Awwww...damn, well I woulda asked you out right here and now!"I answered with,"Well, cool...it's good to know...you know...I still...I..." Looking for the right words, trying not to fumble too much 'cause this guy is cute and he knows I think he's cute and it's just one of those silly, fun, awkward situations... He finishes my sentence with..."You can get 'em. Yes, you're very attractive.""Why, thank you very much." *gushing smile* "You know, you made my day...""Well that's awesome, glad I could do that for ya!"Then we started talking a little, where ya from, whatsyername and just as I was thinking that this could possibly be the longest red light in the history of this city I grew up in, the light changed."Take it easy! Take care! You too!"I drove home the rest of the way all fluffy chested, hot and flustered...but happy. I was also hoping that there was at least a gas station, nevermind that particular one, in the direction I'd told them to go! But I needed that little confidence boost. Who doesn't enjoy something like that? We always forget the positive things so quickly and remember that bad shit (put downs, failures, weaknesses) forever. I didn't tell Ron right away, I actually still haven't. I was at Melanie's by the time he got home last night. I was gonna tell him but didn't really find the right time. We talked about other importnat things. And I felt I needed to listen to him. Then we watched a movie and went to bed. I'm just a little worried about Ron. He seems very stressed in the past few months. It's so understandable, so many people, especially men, get overwhelmed at the prospect of marriage and starting a whole new life. I think it would be a very good idea for us to go to pre-marital counseling. It's not like we have major problems and I still want to marry him. It's just that we both have issues. They've come into the light a few times and we need to discuss them further, we need to try to make this transition into married life as smooth as possible. I think that he feels a bit too pressured by me, along with everything else in his life...like I've been too needy or something. We just have to talk...seriously. This is why I hate his schedule. It could go on like this until the end of the year. It's so hard to fit everything in on the weekends. He wants to unwind and sleep a lot, do a few things here and there, but mostly relax. That leaves little time to talk seriously. I don't know where in the hell the weekends go, honestly. In the meantime, I'll continue to be supportive, as I always try to do. I have to be there for him and not be a disappointment, like everyone else in his life.Oooh, where did the time go? It's slow today. I have to eat lunch. Later!
My weekend, summed up:SickUnbearably HOTCrankyKrappyEntirelyDrainingThis affliction has decided to move and camp out in my sinuses. There's nothing more satisfying than a nice, pounding sinus headache. Then there are my lungs... You know those commercials with the greenish-yellow blob monsters that move into the lungs? I've got a newlywed couple making themselves at home right now. Mmmm, coughing fits that make you gag and almost spew all that tea you've been drinking to wash this shit out of your system...fantastic!*sigh* *cough*I actually wanted to come to work this morning because at least there's AIR CONDITIONING at the office. It was pure misery at my house all weekend. Which put both of us in nothing less than a horrid mood. Again I will proclaim my utter hatred of summer...I FUCKING HATE SUMMER!!!!! ...until I get a nice house with air conditioning, that is. Then it will be bearable. But I spent the whole weekend moping around with hot-air-balloon-head and exhausted, sweaty body. And Ron was fed up and impatient again. I don't blame him for getting this way, but it's still no fun. I tried to be a little enthusiastic here and there, I tried not to let his mood get me down...but it was damn near impossible. We did manage to have SOME fun. We got out of the hotbox house and burned money at the local movie theater, joining the stupid masses to see X-men 3. My opinion of it? They should have left well enough alone. This one was too fucking Hollywood for me. A general disappointment. Plus I'm really not into comics and the movies based on them. I mean, they're okay to see once or twice...but it's always the same thing to me. Muscular men with special powers jumping around in tights. *Yawn* That was Sunday...on Saturday we got some yummy breakfast at our favorite little cafe and then went to pick out my MP3 player. I was gonna get an i-pod, but decided against it. I remember talking about players with my brother and deciding that i-pods are just too exclusive. You can only use THEIR software, play certain files, blah blah... So I settled on a middle-of-the-line general Samsung MP3 player that holds 500 songs and will display JPEGs and other picture and sound files. Yay. Good enough for me. I was going to go shopping for Melanie's gift on Friday after work but was too tired. I went home and went to bed so I could be up with Ron for a few hours. So I slept for about five hours, woke up and hung out with Ron while he played his Grand Turismo game for about the 45 billionth hour this week. What in the HELL is with today's video games?! Too fucking complicated for me...there are races on that game that take TWENTY-FOUR fucking hours to complete! Christ! So I got bored with that and took some more codine to go to sleep. No more fucking codine, man, I couldn't wake UP Saturday...and then the weekend dragged on as described above. Tonight I'm definately going to shop for Melanie's gift so I can go by her house tonight and give it to her. I need to talk to a girlfriend. All these moods and Ron being a shit and the wedding planning is stressing me out. I better get back to work. Later!
Thanks for the well wishes, I feel better today. Though I am still somewhat woozy from the cough medicine I took last night. Alriiiiiiiiight for codine!!! I managed to get through the rest of the day on Wednesday, went home and relaxed and went to bed nice and early. It's been a wonderfully short week. Yesterday I felt okay so it was back to work. However, my boss sent me home early because he said I sounded horrible. I didn't complain! It's always fun to be sent home early 'cause you sound like complete shit. So once again I rested up and took medicine. AND I got to hang out with Ronnie poop for a few hours before he left for work! BONUS! Now I'm at work, alone again. The boss went back home to his family for the weekend and the shipping lady is on vacation this week. I'm especially thankful that the shipping lady isn't here because she just LOVES to talk my ear off and I am NOT in any sort of mood for that today. Aaahhh, a nice quiet day alone to do my work and reflect on what I want to do this weekend. Hopefully we'll make it to the beach for a bikeride. I'd also love to get my ipod for when I get back to jogging next week. For WHEN I do...'cause ya know I'm gonna do it. Yes I am! Gotta start motivating myself now, ya know...
It's my best friend Melanie's birthday today, we're exactly two weeks apart. The poor girl has the same sickness I do, came down with it last weekend as well. Needless to say we're probably going to take it easy tonight, we won't be able to party it up tonight like we usually do. I'm hoping to do the baked artichokes tonight, since we haven't done it lately. Bring over some 'chokes, red wine and brownies for a little dinner thing. I have to go shopping for her gift today after work 'cause I ALWAYS put this shit off 'til the last minute ya know. It's...it's more fun that way. Yea, that's it! That and I couldn't think (or didn't think) of what to get her 'til today. I figured it out this morning though. She had to borrow my camping/lawn chair last weekend for the trip she went on with her boyfriend. So I'm gonna pick up one of those cool folding chairs with the cup holders for her. *Ssssshh* Don't tell! It's a sooprise!
Funny thing...as I read my comments this morning, a couple of you mentioned an MTV show, "Sweet 16" in response to my complaints about that stupid Hogan show. I had never seen it before last night, when I happened to catch a snippet of it on David Spade's Showbiz Show. OH. MY. GOD. Fucking WRONG!!! What is with this focus on and fascination with the disgustingly spoiled?! MTV has so many shows like this...what was that one where the rich assholes show you around their homes? ARGHGHG!!! I just want to reach through the television and mutilate these people! David is right, no WONDER other countries hate us so much! Fucking spoiled Americans!
Ugh...it was so quiet this morning and now the damn phone keeps ringing. It's FRIDAY! I'm LAZY! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!! All these stupid special requests and yadda yadda that I don't feel like dealing with. Oye.
Now I shall leave you with a couple of entries from last year... ~Flashback 1~ and ~Flashback 2~. See, Zoot, I'm using the squiggly lines! Hehehehe! Thanks for the idea... Later!
