Confusion

I seem to have "lost" a post. I thought I had posted something before that last post. Apparently it was lost. I don't get it. It must be somewhere, but I'm not gonna look for it. Maybe I'll come across it someday.

So, about this past weekend. It started out with a disagreement, just like I thought it would. But we got over that one pretty quickly and moved on to have another nice, but hotter-than-fuck weekend. We escaped the heat as much as we could by going out to eat, seeing "Superman" (FINALLY...and it was good, too) and going to the beach. Seriously though, this hot fucking hell wave can end anytime soon. ANY TIME. PLEASE!

*ahem*

As usual, I was panicking on Friday when I posted that entry. My brain was in total "panic and feeling sorry for myself" mode. I know I am not a nag. I am a normal human being. I keep questioning myself and my abilities. I can handle a relationship. I can handle building a healthy marriage. Just tell myself that I can do it. Tell myself the right way to deal with situations. And DO IT. I've probably said this before and I'll say it again because it makes sense... How we deal with things ultimately determines our overall happiness. We can choose to be bitter and angry and feel sorry for ourselves or we can skip all that shit. We didn't exactly skip it on Friday night, but we reached another agreement. I had to have an emotional breakdown, too. Everything combined into one, big cryfest. It felt good. When all is said and done, everything is fine fine fine.

I am having a difficult time concentrating again. Things to do, things to do. I gotta go for now. Concentrate so I don't get confused. No more mindless babble...for now...

Weekend of the 14th

The stupid draft I started last week...

**********************************

So much to write, so little motivation to do so. Oh well, here we go. Once I get going it usually starts flowin'. I guess I'll start with the weekend. It was another good one, albeit a hot one. As with anything though, I've started to get used to it. Eventually your body just says, "Fuck it", and you learn to live with whatever discomfort may be upon you. It's the survival instict and it works in mysterious ways!

Friday afternoon I arrived home from work to be greated by a smiling Ron. What a nice change from weeks past. Not having to wait for him to get home. Man, I want it to be like this always. Always happy to see each other when we get home for the day. Not letting the complications of life cloud the happiness we feel when we see each other. I want to keep that alive. Anyway, I got home and let the birdies out to fly around while I sat with Ron and we contemplated what we would be doing for the evening. I wanted to spend time with Devin, since he would be leaving in a few days. But the plans were not to my liking. Devin and Melanie wanted to check out a club they'd heard about. Guess where it was? Yup, downtown toward Rich's area. Ron and I did not want to go, especially since I'd complained profusely to Ron about the prior evening. Therefore, when Melanie called to ask if we'd be joining her, Devin and Ivon for the trek to meet Rich and his lawyer friend for dinner at the club, I politely declined. Not only did I not have the money to spend on the amount of drinks it would take to allow me to loosen up and have fun, I did not feel like leaving the house and going on another long drive. I needed a break.

We had a delightful Friday evening and were so glad we decided to stay home. First we went to the market to get a baked chicken and some beer. Then off to El Pollo Loco for one of their delicious Mexican ceasar salads. I threw on some refried beans when we got home and we made ourselves some yummy yummy YUMMMMMMYYYY soft tacos. Yes, they were yummy. No wait...YUMMMMMMMY. Seven 'm's worth. After a few beers it was time for nighty night. It must be the weather because I've had this incredible craving for tacos and burritos lately. I've had something to that effect almost every day for two weeks. It's the weather. It's too hot to do anything else. Besides maybe a bbq chicken salad. We're overdue for one of those.

Rons survival instict (not to mention the weather report) told him that we had to get the fuck outta Dodge on Saturday and head toward cooler temps. Fast. And EARLY. Saturday was 106 degress in LA. ONE-HUNDRED-AND-SIX. We made plans to meet with Rich, Devin, Melanie and Ivan for breakfast near the beach to start out our day. Turns out that Devin doesn't like the beach, so he and Rich spent the day together while the rest of us had a beautiful day. I couldn't believe how HOT it was down there. It must've been at least 85 - 90. We should have been more attentive with the sun screen 'cause each of us got at least at little burned. My face got too burnt... But it was a great day. I finally got to SWIM and had a glorious time playing in the ocean. It was way overdue. There is nothing like swimming in the ocean and I'm going to miss it a lot when and if we move away from here.

After the beach we'd planned on having Rich and Devin join us for a Saturday evening BBQ. That wasn't to be however, because we were all exhausted from a long day of sun and exersion. Sunday was BBQ day. Well, it was more like Mexican BBQ, minus the BBQ. More like soft tacos and margaritas night. Melanie and I went to the store to pick up the works...beans, meat, tortillas, cheese, guacamole and plenty o' Cuervo for the makings of a lovely evening of eating, drinking and being merry. And eat, drink and be merry we did. Not a bad way for Devin to spend the last evening of his abbreviated trip. It was so disappointing to all of us that he couldn't stay longer. Ron enjoyed spending more time with Devin on Sunday, as he'd only met him once before. And this was the first time Ron had met Rich. He got to start forming his own opinion of the guy. Rich was much more subdued that evening, probably due to the fact that there were more of us and he was just meeting Ron for the first time. He was his pleasant self, thankfully.

I took Monday, the 17th off of work to just have a day to myself. Although hotter-than-fucking-HELL AGAIN (*sigh*) I enjoyed it. Got some more cleaning done! I finally mopped the floors, it had been too long. I really need to do the floors more often. It's gross to let it go, it's just such a pain in the ass. I don't even have a lot of floor to mop and I still hate it. Not as much as I hate grocery shopping though.

***********************************************
That was my weekend. Last weekend. Now it's time to go on with my hot ass day. Later!

It came crashing down

Things were going great. Things were fine. Until I opened my mouth. Now things are shitty again. Around and around in circles we go. I don't understand. I say the wrong things. We agree on something and everything is fine, and then that same thing goes wrong again and I know nothing, I am just a nag. I am just another one, another thorn. Another stupid, nagging woman. I don't know what to do. This is a recipe for disaster. I'm worried. What are we gonna do?

And it's still hell outside. There is no end in sight. There is no relief. No camping this weekend. Nothing. All I can do is drench my clothes and sit around in my hot house. I'm not looking forward to this weekend.

Wow...

That's a first.

FEeeeeling...

HI. I'm working on another post, but it's gonna take me a little longer than I thought. And I have work to do...eh, that I SHOULD do. Check out my sidebar, I've added the "Essential Facts about ME" page. If you care to learn more, 'cause I KNOW you do, it's over there. See...right...there...to your right. I'm fascinating, aren't I? Hehehe... So a few thoughts on how I feel today...

*Bored
*Unmotivated
*Unable to concentrate
*Somewhat happy
*Tired

Isn't that nice? Everything is fine though. I'm alive. I've been thinking. I even played the guitar again last night. Ron's got it tuned so it's very easy to play. I'm using that to learn the rudimentary hand movements and positions. It's a lot more fun learning to play guitar when it doesn't sound like complete shit. I really need to strengthen the fingers of my left hand and get the rythm down with my right before I can start to really learn notes. I'm starting to get cute little calluses at the ends of my fingers.

Playing guitar last night made me think about how I'm not using my creative energy at all again. I never draw or paint. There are so many things that I need to do. All I have to do is start. It's the same shit over and over again. Creative energy that needs to be expressed.

That's all for now. Gotta run.

Uh-oh, it's a longie...

It's Tuesday and I'm back at work. I decided to take Monday off. The weekend went very well, considering things. I started writing this post on Friday and had to stop to actually work. So I am posting it today. I will post more about the weekend later...

****************************************


It's never fun to have to sit through dinner with someone who insists on stroking their own ego throughout the entire. Dinner. Conversation. You know...it goes kinda like this...

Egocentric: "BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH ME ME ME ME BLAH BLAH BLAH."

Me: "That's nice, I'm happy for you. I'm glad things are going so well for you. How wonderful."

Egocentric: "BLAH BLAH BLAH ME ME ME ME ME ME BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH ME ME ME ME ME BLAH BLAH."

Me: "OH, how lovely... So, uh..."

Egocentric: "BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME"

Me: "Really? That's great. So what are..."

Egocentric: "MEMEMEMEME BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHMEMEMEME"

Me: "I... But I've...Uh... Oh... poop...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"

Devin came back from visiting his family in Indiana yesterday. His ex-boyfriend Rich, who lives down by the beach and closer to the airport than Melanie and I, picked him up and they hung out at Richs' pad for the day. A little backround refresher for you... Rich and Devin were together for 5 years. They lived with Melanie's ex-boyfriend, Dave. That's how we met, and were almost instantly drawn to, Devin. He is eccentric, he is charismatic, he is sincere, he actually LISTENS and RESPONDS during a conversation. As we got to know Devin, we came to find that he is also very spontaneous and unpredictable. This has sort of become his trademark. So Devin is much younger than Rich and has not yet found himself. He loves adventure and travel, hence his decision to break up with Rich and move to Beijing, China two years ago.

Melanie and I were the last to know of his decision to move. We found out only two weeks before he was to leave. Rich recieved the news only days before we did. To say we were shocked is an understatement. We were just starting to really get to know this guy and become friends. It took Rich a long time to get over the hurt, naturally. He was terribly bitter and it's understandable. I don't think he's completely over it quite yet. It doesn't seem like he has let go the tiny glimmer of hope that Devin will get his head out of the clouds, stop travelling the world and come back to him. But that's neither here nor there...

Okay, so Rich and Melanie have still been hanging out on and off since Devin left. Sometimes I'll join them for dinner and a drink or two or seven. And when Devin has visited in the past, Rich has also been invited. In this time, I have gotten to know Rich more and more. I have come to realize that although he is basically a nice guy with a good sense of humor, his personality can become grating. It's all about him and his accomplishments. I can see why someone like Devin couldn't handle being with someone like Rich. Rich was Devin's first serious relationship and, like many many many other first serious relationships, it went on for some time. Until it crashed and burned.

Let's move on to last night, shall we? I was hoping beyond all hope that we wouldn't have to drive all the way down to the damn dirty fucking shithole beach city AGAIN. Unfortunately, I did not hope enough. It wasn't in the stars. Once again, we had to drive down there and have dinner at an overpriced restaurant. We spent the majority of dinner listening to Rich talk about his job. You ever try to tactfully change the subject, only to have it turned RIGHT back around? Both Devin and I tried a few times, unsucessfully. I was only going to have one drink, but as time went on I realized that this was going to be at LEAST a two drink event. I wasted so much money on margaritas...but they were my savior. They helped me get through one of the most boring evenings of my life.

When it seemed as though time were standing still, I decided to play possum. Yes, I feigned sickness so that we could get the fuck OUT of there. I'ma bad girl. It helps that I have a nervous stomach so I know just how to act. I pretended that I had eaten too fast and had gotten terrible gas pains. This has happened to me several times before, usually when I wait too long to eat and then eat too much. So the situation was perfect. However, it took at least another 30-40 minutes from the onset of my "sickness" until we were finally able to leave. Our waitress decided to take our check out on a date. Shit, I was a waitress for only a few years, but tell me, doesn't it make sense to be sure that all of your tables are taken care of and have their checks BEFORE you sit down for your dinner break?!

Oh yes, and I almost forgot to mention the clincher. On the way to meet Rich and Devin Melanie tells me that Rich had told her Devin will be leaving THIS Sunday, the 16th as opposed to next weekend on the 21st or 22nd. Devin, being his unpredictable self, did not tell us of this little detail and we weren't sure if we should even believe it. We had both arranged to have a couple of extra days off of work next week so that we could go camping from Sunday through Tuesday. Devin was supposed to have extended his plane ticket. At dinner Devin confirmed that he would indeed be leaving for China on Sunday. He went on to explain that he did not have enough money to extend his ticket due to the fact that he had run into some unexpected expenses during this trip. Very understandable, but something that would have been nice to know BEFORE the fucking weekend was to start! At least this was Thursday, so I was able to tell my boss today that I will probably only take Monday off and save my other days. I only have a few vacation days left for this year and I need to use them wisely.

That was my evening. Kind of disappointing. So WHO KNOWS what's up for this weekend. This playing things by ear is getting a little old. I'd like to have solid plans for a change.

MORE Phun with Photoshop

I thought I'd make my own little picture really quick, since that seems to be the theme this week. Man, the possibilities are endless, aren't they?



This one's kinda freaky. Imagine THAT flying toward you while you're on vacation. "Wow, lookit the pretty...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!"

*Ahem*

Well thanks for the congrats you guys! However, I have some news... My parents, Ron and I went to the hotel to make the reservations last night and found out that the garden area that we wanted would not be available on the 28th. THEREFORE, the official date is NOW a week earlier...

******APRIL 21, 2007******

And that is IT. DEFINATELY IT. THE END. Well, the END is the wrong word to use here. This is just the beginning. It's a good beginning. Last night was a little stressful because my mom was being the typical stressed out mother of the bride. I can't blame her, that is typical because the mother always wants everything to be perfect for her daughter. I appreciate that. Really, I do. But my mom has to realize that we have NINE MONTHS to do this. I do realize that time flies, but come on now. We've got plenty of time to finalize everything. And it is not worth stressing over. I want this to be fun.

Now, the reason Ron was able to come with us is because his schedule has changed...for the BETTER! He's ON DAYS!!!! YEEEAAAAAAAYYYY!!!!! He has been moved to a different project with a different crew because they finally finished that shithole government building in the ultimate of shitholes, downtown L.A. He is now in the hot ass valley working 7 a.m. to 3:30 p.m. Fucking GREAT! Well, for me...but not really for him at the moment. It's so hard on a person to change schedules like that. It totally screws up ones daily rythm. By the time he gets used to it, school will be back in session and he'll have to switch to nights again. This means he is probably going to be pretty exhausted in the coming weeks. Exhausted and grumpy. I will do my best to put up with it, but I will not lay down and let him treat me like shit. He has been in a wonderful mood lately and last night he suddenly started getting snappy with me. Instead of cowering with my tail between my legs and getting upset, I didn't let it bother me at all. I continued being nice...killed him with kindness, like he always tells me to do with others. And ya know what? It worked!

He only got about two hours of sleep last night because it was horribly hot and he's not used to going to bed at 11:00 p.m. They had given him the day off to get ready for the new schedule, but that's never enough. So tonight I expect him to be tired and grumpy. Therefore, I will continue with my business and let him rest. I will probably end up going out with Melanie anyway, since Devin should be back today. Hopefully we'll go swimming. I have had no luck swimming at Melanie's because she is on the home owners board and they have been telling the tenants that they must be out on the pool deck with their guests while they are swimming. Melanie doesn't like it out there because the pool is not situated to her liking. It's not private enough. There are apartments towering above the pool and sound travels easily. I can understand that...but that is no reason to avoid it completely. I want to swim, dammit!!!! You know, the way my life goes...by the time I get the opportunity to swim, the weather will cool off trememdously. Fuck, I shouldn't even THINK that. Murphy's law rules my world.

Okay, as usual it is time to get back to work. Blehgghghg.

It's Official!

I'm getting a whole lotta cute animal picture emails lately. Lots of photoshopped ones, too. I have to share them. They're TOO cute. Look at that FACE! Yes, that is a koala smoking a joint. He's saying, "EH mon, woncha coom op 'ere an' share 'dis wit' meh." That NOSE. It's so big and it's covered in all those leeeettle teeeeeny hairs that I love to rub my upper lip on! One of my weird habits that I admitted to a while back.

ANYWAY...

I wanted to announce that Ron and I have finally agreed on a wedding date. April 28, 2007. Isn't that wunnnderful? We have also decided on a location. I'm not sure if I mentioned it here before, but we have decided to have it at the Sportmen's Lodge Hotel. Ron and I looked at the facilities and they are just what we want. Simple, rustic, plenty of room and there is even the sound of trickling water from a stream that runs through the place. I'm very excited to be making progress. I'm getting married! I'M GETTING MARRIED! WEEEEeee!!!!!

Everything else is going fine today. It's strange, I kinda feel like I'm on summer vacation. Well, it IS summer and it's slow at work and I AM gonna take a few days off next week. That's 'cause Devin will be back from visiting his parents on Thursday. He will be here until the 22nd, I believe. I have taken Monday through Wednesday of next week off. I hope we will be going camping, like we did last year. I love camping and I don't do it nearly enough. Whatever we do though, I'm sure it'll be fun.

I'm going to go make my lunch. I can't wait any longer, I've been looking forward to it all day! I went grocery shopping yesterday and got all kinds of great stuff. So today I brought in some flour tortillas, sliced turkey and ham, a bag of lettuce, a tomato, an onion and some ranch dressing so that I can make myself a wrap. Or two. Or three. Yea. But I'm gonna go jogging after work, too. Yes I am. Gotta have fuel, right? Haha. I love food...

I'm off to see the wizard! The wonderful wizard of wraps!

Later!

Fun with Photoshop...and a glorious weekend

HAHA! It's Panda KISS! This shit cracks me up! Aren't they just adorable?! Hehehe! No, I didn't do this. It was sent to me in an email of course. I had to share it.

My weekend was spent well. Friday night I went to a surprise party that Lisa threw for her girlfriend, Paulette's big THREE-OH. Lisa had been swamped at work all week so she needed some last minute party prep help. I picked up the cake and showed up at the restaurant a little early to help put things together. It was fun...and good practice for me, too...just in case I ever decide to throw a surprise party. I am not one to throw parties at all and I think it's about time that I do. Not only is it fun, it's very satisfying to do something like that for someone you love. Paulette was very surprised and happy. The party was held at a new bar and grill type of place in town. It's probably been open for quite some time, but this was my first time there. That's not saying a lot since I really don't get out much! The food was delicious. My favorite had to be the spinach artichoke dip, of course!

Saturday Ron and I had a list of things to do. First we were going to take the new truck to the valley to pick up some bike parts that Rons friend had left for him. His friend, another BMX/bike enthusiast, had worked at a well-known bike shop for years. As a result, he had collected many bike parts in his backyard shed. The friend had a few sudden life changes, he'd gotten a better job and had to move from the house he'd been renting because of new ownership. So he offered Ron these parts (tires, hubs, rims, sticker sets), most of which were brand new and had not been used. We had to get out there and get these things before the new owners showed up on Saturday afternoon and managed to do so in the knick of time. Now Ron's got a whole lotta new parts so that he can start building his bikes...and start getting them sold!

After the pickup we were going to eat breakfast, get the truck insurance, get concert tickets (Ron just found out that one of our favorite bands, Peeping Tom, is playing in LA) and then go home and do laundry. We managed to eat breakfast...then we were too tired to do anything else so we went home to rest. It had started to get hot by the time we were done with breakfast and we were drained from getting up early. On the way home we stopped by the Wherehouse to see if we could get tickets, but their ticket service was temporarily out of service. Damnit. Once we got home we both passed out for a long nap. By the time we woke up we weren't in the mood to do anything but sit around and watch movies. We picked up some pizza and beer and spent the evening being as immobile as possible. Why do what you can put off for yet another day? Uh-huh...

Sunday we had plans to take my parents to another car show. This time it was a vintage GMC truck show. It was lots 'o fun. On the way to my parents we tried again to get tickets. Unfortunately the show in LA is sold out. But we're still going to try to get tickets for the shows in either San Diego or San Francisco. That would be great motivation for a little (much needed) road trip for the two of us. Anyway, the truck show was great and afterwards we went to my parents house for a BBQ. Steaks, baked potatoes and salad. One of my very favorite dinners. It was so much fun hanging out with my parents and Ron. My mom had gotten a new board game for us to play, too. It's called "Scene It" and comes with a DVD full of movie clips and lots of questions. We had a blast playing it!

We got home Sunday night, exhausted...but it was a nice exhausted. So now it's Monday again. Bleh. I still have tons of laundry to do, not to mention grocery shopping. Yuck. And Ron works Monday nights now, too. He'd been going to class on Monday nights (third year electrician classes) from 5 - 9 and the semester was over two weeks ago. He works swing shift and since class was at night on Mondays, he couldn't work those nights. And they couldn't switch him to daytime for just one day a week. Now he has to work five days a week at that stupid federal building they've been working on for the past 4 months. Still shitty swing shift from 5 to 1:30 a.m. I was hoping that when they finish this building they'd be able to move to working on a school again. That way, since school is out for the summer, they'd have a day shift. But so far, word is that they'll probably be going to another damn federal building. Commence weekly loneliness.

Okay, that's it for now. I've got some work to do. Later.

Look UP!

Okay, okay... I will focus on the positive. No one likes a sourpuss. It's time to start bailing the water out of this sinking boat. Again. My arms are tired but I'll just ignore it and keep at it.

Ron got the newer truck yesterday. A 2000 Chevy truck. I real truck. A man truck. Not a poor excuse for a truck...truck. It's bigger, it's longer, it has a center console, AIR CONDITIONING and, to my ultimate girlie pleasure, is ALL ONE COLOR. It even has an alarm! Let's just hope he knows how to use it so that we (and the neighbors) don't get the rude, screaming, middle-of-the-night awakening that alarms are so very well known for.

*Woowoowoowoowoowoowoo*...*Boooooooooooo-Deeeeeeeeeee-Boooooooooooo-Deeeeeeee-Boooooooo-Deeeeeee* - *Bwooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo-ip*...*Bwooooooooooooooooooooooooooo-ip*...*EEH-EEH-EEH-EEH-EEH-EEH-EEH-EHH*

The multi-annoying sound car alarm. Mans greatest invention.

The trip to my parents was great. I needed that. Even the drive there wasn't so bad. They live about 45 minutes away in no-traffic conditions. I left during rush-hour yesterday and the trip only took an hour and a half. It was an altogether pleasant drive because the weather wasn't too hot and I blasted my music, as always. Once I got there it was all hugs and relaxation. Gawd I'm lucky to have such nice parents. I guess that's why I'm so awesome. *wink* *wink* We picked up some delicious food from the local greasy spoon and proceded to just talk and enjoy ourselves. I unloaded and got some much-needed parental advice.

Yea. Fabulous.

Now it's the weekend again. Joy to the world, the weekend is here. I will spend this weekend spreading joy to all the boys and girls. Particularly to the grumpy boy I live with. And let's see if I can finally take a dip in a real pool, shall we? One in which I cannot touch the bottom with my ass and still not even have a quarter of my body submerged. Or maybe we'll make it to the beach in the new truckie-truck.

Bye bye. *smoochies*

It's not THAT hopeless...I guess

I'm feeling extremely hopeless today. I'm gonna go to my parents house tonight. I miss them so much and I can't stand the thought of going home tonight. No one's there. I need my mommy. Yes, I am a huge, emotional, weak BABY. At least I admit it.

I was telling my friend Marguerite over IM (she's in France again for the summer) how I'm feeling today, and the cutie sent this cool video to cheer me up some. Heh. What a doll. I miss her, too. I'm gonna go to the bathroom and cry now. Later.

How do you restart this thing?

I think I need an adjustment or something. Today I am feeling worse than I did yesterday. I'm so depressed I can't concentrate on anything. This is strange because usually, as the morning goes on, I feel better. Not today. I woke up pretty fine and as the day goes on I feel more and more like crying. I hate this.

I am worried because I know I need to get off of this Paxil. All the horror stories I've read and I just don't think it's helping anymore. I'm scared to death of the withdrawals. I should go to the doctor again, but I'm afraid to do it before the wedding. I just want to keep things how they are until afterwards. But then there will be stress during that time, too. I just have to quit being so weak and deal with life on my own, without drugs. Without. ANY. Drugs.

*Gulp*

When I'm down like this, I like to look at pictures of cute animals...



I seriously wish I were a dog owned by nice people. Wouldn't that be the life? All your needs met, no money worries, sleeping all day... I'm just too fucking lazy, aren't I. Life as a human is just too much work.



Awwww...lookit thu kewt meeeeeeeeeercats!



When I'm hot, I should just imagine doing this. Roll, Roll, Roll in der snooowww!

It's not even noon yet. I should really go grocery shopping after work. YUCK. I'll pick up a couple of things, I guess. I don't know. I'm tired. Maybe later, maybe tomorrow. Whatever. At least I'm still alive and have lots of things going for me. Too bad thinking positive doesn't get rid of this LOUSY feeling.

Not in the mood

Hi... It blows me away just how quickly a four day weekend can fly by. It was a good weekend, though a little too damn hot to do much of anything but sit around. The kiddie pool came in real handy, enabling me to do much of that sitting around in either soggy shorts or a soggy bathingsuit.

We only got to see Devin on Thursday and Friday, he was off to see his family in Indiana by Saturday afternoon. He'll return here on July 13th and will be staying for the following two weeks before heading back to China. That'll give us time to have some more fun and hopefully go camping.

Rons truck has broken down and unfortunately, it's bad. We are in the midst of deciding whether he should fix it since he's invested so much in it over the past months, or just say fuckit, scrap the thing and get a new(er) truck. We looked at a couple of used trucks on Sunday...we just need to weigh out what would be the most feasible thing to do. It sucks and Ron is very stressed over it. I don't blame him at all. We've had so much car trouble and just want to be FREE of it so that we can save money to move. Ugh...

We were supposed to go to Rons moms for the 4th, but it didn't pan out. His mom had some unexpected things come up. I was a little disappointed, as I wanted to get out of the house. I also actually wanted to SEE his mom, it's been quite a while. We spent the day watching movies and drinking beer instead. Not a bad way to spend a holiday. I even surprised myself by playing a few notes on Rons guitar. That was fun...I seem to have an ear for music. I should try to learn an instrument...as I should do a lot of things. *sigh*

Anyway, I made us marinated lemon herb chicken thighs for dinner. I'm very good at throwing shit together in a pan, just making things up and having them turn out deeeeeeeeeelicious! Ron was so blown away that he had six or seven thighs! I don't know, I lost count after four. He's paying for that gluttony today, however. He woke up several times during the night moaning with stomach pain. Poor baby. Men... I should call him and see how he's doing...

Hmf...seems I've written quite a lot for not being in the mood to write. I'm feeling down today. I always get this way after a long weekend. Plus it's been hot and miserable for so long, we usually have a break by now. It's good to be at the cool office for a while. I hope I can go swimming at Melanie's tonight. We've been trying to arrange it but it hasn't been working out... I really need to actually SWIM in a pool. I miss it terribly.

Well, that's it for now. Hope you had a great holiday weekend. Later...

Fond memories of Sesame Street

Thanks, Fuzzball, for bringing back such fond memories of a show I love. This one made my day. Well, part of it anyway. I'm almost off for my four day weekend. The day is c-r-a-w-l-i-n-g. I am distracted. I MUST finish up. Later!

It's party time!

DEVIN'S HERE!!!! We picked him up from the airport last night. It's like he's never been gone. Same old fun guy that we love. Let the FUN begin!

Happy 4th Everyone!!!

Dear Kotex...

Dear Kotex,

I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my pantiliner had a bunch of "Kotex Tips for Life" on it. Annoying advice such as:

*Staying active during your period can relieve cramps.
*Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches.
*Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated and feeling fresh.
*Try Kotex blah blah blah other products...

Obviously the individual behind this was someone who has never possessed a functioning set of ovaries. Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman that drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh. Like we need more fluid inside our bloated bodies from hell But go ahead. I triple-dog-fucking-dare-ya... See what happens and report back. I'll wait.

While you're at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the chocolate from the vending machine. I garan-fuckin-tee that the first responders will be females who just ovulated.

Staying active will relieve headaches and cramps... Well guess what? The only activities that interest me are eating, sleeping, bitching or crying for no apparent reason. And, oh...does ripping someones head off count as a fuckin' activity?!

Look, females don't need or want tips for living on their feminine hygiene products. Younger girls are already hearing "helpful" crap like that from elderly relatives. Veteran females have already concocted their own recipes for survival, many containing alcohol & barbituates. Printing out shit advice while sneaking in ads for the brand that was already purchased is just plain annoying, not to mention rude, and is enough to send a girl running to the Always brand.

It's not a fun time, but DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley faces or bunnies or flowery cutesy crap to your products or the packaging. Put the shit in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw it in our carts discreetly and have it blend in among the wine and beer. There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package announcing your uterine state to everyone in the store. Why don't ya just add an in-store microphone to the damn package to announce that...helloooo, another female in the store is on the rag!!!!!

So take your tips for living and your cute bunnies and the smiley faces and shove them right up your ass!

PS How about adding a free sample of Pamprin & maybe a shot of Bourbon to your packages instead? Now THERE's an idea!

That's just beautiful...

I discovered a new diary read today. In my exploration of the site, I found something that really touched my heart. Thank you so much, MOO for sharing such beautiful thoughts on marriage. Of course I emailed this to Ron right away. Now I feel like I should have saved it 'cause I'm just BOMBARDing him with love this week. HA! Oh well, he needs it! So here it is...

"Why Marriage?"



"Because to the depths of me, I long to love one person,

With all my heart, my soul, my mind, my body...

Because I need a forever friend to trust with the intimacies of me,

Who won't hold them against me,

Who loves me when I'm unlikable,

Who sees the small child in me, and

Who looks for the divine potential of me...

Because I need to cuddle in the warmth
of the night

With someone who thanks God for me,

With someone I feel blessed to hold...

Because marriage means opportunity to grow in love in friendship...

Because marriage is a discipline
To be added to a list of achievements...

Because marriages do not fail, people fail
When they enter into marriage
Expecting another to make them whole...

Because, knowing this, I promise myself to take full responsibility for my spiritual, mental and physical wholeness

I create me,

I take half of the responsibility for my marriage

Together we create our marriage...

Because with this understanding

The possibilities are limitless"

*Whew* Now I have to go wipe the mush off my feet...

At last

What a great evening. I set my mind to be in a good mood and make it a special evening for Ron and I did. First, I remembered some things that he'd mentioned he wanted and needed so I went out and got them. Then I went to the store and picked up all the fixings for his favorite dinner. He was so happy! We put all our crankiness aside and had a wonderful time, just like we always used to. These are the times we need to especially enjoy. Because I know and I've said many times before that this is only the beginning and it just gets tougher. Ups and downs. Gotta learn to deal with them and have a better attitude. Don't be a brat, don't let it get to that!

I just found out that I have a four day weekend coming up for the 4th! Hurraaaayyy! I know my boss has plans to go out of town on Friday and I was afraid I'd have to come into the office on Monday. I'm so glad I don't have to because Ron has Monday off, too. Plus, Devin is coming into town on Thursday. Melanie and I are gonna pick him up from the airport. I'm looking so forward to it! We haven't seen him since the China trip. He'll be staying for about three weeks so we're going to try to plan a camping trip for all of us. I can't wait!

I have to go do some inventory now. Wooooowee. Bleh. Bye bye for now!

Thinking about it and...

You know, I am being very selfish. Ron has done so much for me, he's surprised me and made me feel special on so many occasions. He's spoiled me and I think he deserves some spoiling himself. He doesn't have much fun in life unless HE is the one putting it together. No one ever surprises him or makes him feel special. That is MY job and I've been slacking off quite a bit lately. All I've done is take take take. It's time to stop expecting so much and to give back.

Weekend dips

I got the kiddie pool on Friday after work and I am so glad I did. It's been a very hot and humid few days. Less than ten dollars for a 12" deep, 46" diameter wading pool. I sat in a folding lawn chair with a beer and a magazine with my feet soaking in that thing for hours on Saturday. Very relaxing.

The weekend was pretty good, although Ron and I were kind of tired and cranky through most of it. This band that Ron, Melanie, her brother, his girlfriend and I had seen about a month ago was throwing a big blowout party on Saturday night. The members of the band were renting these two little houses that shared a huge backyard. They were known to throw huge parties there on occasion, Melanie had told me about how awesome the last one was. This was their final party on the property, as they've been kicked out because the land has been sold for development. So Melanie and I made a point to go, whether anyone else wanted to join us or not. Ron didn't want to go because he was too tired from the week and apparently, is plain sick of the whole 'party scene'. He says it's boring standing around talking to people all night. I can't deny that I was disappointed he didn't want to go, but I can also understand. It was hot and he was tired from a long week. But no matter how much I'd missed him during the week, I just didn't feel like sitting around at home. I felt like being social. I ended up going to the party with Melanie, her boyfriend Ivan, her brother Michael and his girlfriend Susan. They're a very fun group and we had a lovely time. The band played a huge set, took a break and played another set. By a third of the way throught the second set, I was buzzed enough to do a little dancing. Well, it was more like hip swaying and knee buckling! But it was fun, nonetheless.

Sunday I woke up early with Ron to get my laundry done. He had rested all night so was able to hop outta bed at 8:30 a.m. to head to the mat. I, on the other hand, was not so enthusiastic. I'd gotten to bed by about 4:00 a.m. But I needed to get my laundry done and knew I would just end up sleeping the day away and avoiding it unless I forced myself to do it during the morning. With the help of a caramel macchiato from Starbucks, I got my four loads done, folded and put away. Hallelujiah! Then I took a three hour nap and woke up feeling like I was suffocating in a hot, steamy cave. Time for a dip! Hehe...

Late Sunday afternoon was a graduation party for my little friend Paul. I've mentioned him here before, not sure which entry... He's the 12 year old half brother of my friend Marguerite. He is a functioning autistic and loves animals. He's had his cockatiel, Gloria, for about a year now and is fascinated by all things parrot. This has lead to a friendship between us. He's such a sweet kid. We talk about once a week or so and sometimes have little "play dates" with our birds. Anyway, he graduted from 6th grade this past week. This is a big accomplishment for him (and his parents for that matter) because he graduated from a regular school. His mom called last week to invite me to the graduation festivities...a pizza party for friends and family. She said to feel free to bring my fiance because she hadn't met him yet. Again, it was a no-go for Ron. Just another boring party. Again, I was disappointed and didn't do so well at not showing it. But what else could I do but suck it up and go by myself? I had a good time and enjoyed meeting some of the extended family. I spent about two and a half hours there and then went home to hose myself off and relax with Ron.

That was my weekend. Fabulous and exciting, no? No. I'm trying not to be a spiteful brat toward Ron but it's been tough. Especially on Saturday when he refused to go to the party. I understand he was tired, but he slept a lot that day. I went to bed at about 1 a.m. and he at 4 a.m. We slept until 2:00 p.m. on Saturday. We ate lunch and I went to sit in the pool for a while... When I came back into the house, he was in bed again. I was bored, didn't know what to do with myself so I started cleaning. I was feeling espeically bratty so I turned on the vacuum. He got pissed and left. When he came back he asked me why I was being so selfish. I told him that I wanted him to hang out with me, that I missed him, that I didn't want him to sleep all damn day. Then I just apologized. And apologized. I should have talked to him instead of being a spiteful turd. I don't know. I'm still a little bit mad at him. His attitude comes and goes. You know, it's NEVER just over after one or two talks. Fuck, I've been writing this for way too long. I gotta get the rest of my work done. Shit...my hair is going absolutely crazy today because it is extremely muggy out. I look like Sheena of the jungle! Okay, enough blather. For now.

Cars, friends, (no) plans and a helluvalotta flashbacks...

It's the end of an unbelievably long week. As of this morning, I've got my car back. It was the ingnition switch that had burned out. Absolutely nothing to do with the engine that they replaced a few months ago. Therefore, I had to pay for it. So almost $300 later (with Rons help), I have my car again. I made sure to tell her, as I was driving into work, to please stop fucking up on me now. This was her third trip to the doctor in the past 8 months. It's a good thing she chose this year to be a bitch. I don't know what I would have done without Ron. Well, yes I do...and it involves credit card debt.

Well, Melanie helped me out AGAIN in my time of need. She ended up coming to my rescue when I was stranded at work on Wednesday. Actually, it was her lovely boyfriend who picked me up. He is such a sweetheart. Melanie picked me up yesterday without a problem. Then she, her boyfriend and I went to dinner and had a good 'ol time. *sigh*...I really want to get the hell out of L.A. one day soon and the only one I'm really going to miss is Melanie. I feel like she is my only real friend. Besides Ron, OBVIOUSLY. As I've grown older, I've grown apart from my friends. She's the only one I've actually grown closer to. She's like a sister to me now. I am very lucky to have Melanie and Ron because some people have absolutely NO one.

I know it's quite common, but I feel like I'm surrounded by people and yet, still so very lonely. I miss Ron every day... I find myself reaching out to people I used to know on Myspace, even the ones I really don't care for. What a waste of time. Nothing irks me more than being friendly toward these people and getting NOTHING in response. Fuck you, asshole. Seriously, why do I BOTHER? I know it's a waste of energy to get so caught up in this crap. I realize that, I really do. But I long to go to a place where the people are friendly and open and not trying to boost an ego or cover up some insecurity. I know that most of us are insecure in our own way, but seriously, what is everyone so fucking afraid of?! I seriously have to stop letting these stupid things bother me.

I'm not sure if I mentioned it here, but I actually wrote this person a long email a few weeks ago. I was alone on a Friday night, waiting for Ron to get home. This is the woman I met on a parrot site a few years ago. The Bird Brainz site on my side panel. After a few dozen emails, it seemed like we had a lot in common. I was sorely mistaken. Last year she joined Myspace and I've watched her turn into a completely different person. I just wanted to find out why she suddenly stopped confiding in me, why her emails went from, "I love you, you're so great, omigawd we have SO much in common, we're TWINS, we HAVE to meet and go camping blah blah blah..." to two or three sentences about the weather. Well, not about the WEATHER, but you know what I mean. I'm glad I wrote that email, it felt good to get all those feelings out. I needed some closure. She sent me a nice answer, too. She basically said that she didn't mean to hurt my feelings, that she was going through a very lonely time when we started emailing. Now she's back to her "social butterfly" self. I am certainly no social butterfly. I'm more like a social...uh...pill bug. Or snail. Yea, snails aren't very social. A very sensitive snail who tries way too fucking hard and really needs to get a life.

Okay, enough about that shit...

Anyway, there are no plans for this weekend, in particular, though I do hope to get the fuck out of my hot house at some point. Apparently, it's supposed to be nothing less than a scorcher for at least the next four days. Beach, here we come. I am definately going to head to the toy store after work today and get myself what I like to call a ghetto pool. Aaahhh...the bright-colored plastic with little seahorses and starfish staring up at me. I thought of getting one several times last year, but never got around to it. I have to do it today. I need a water refuge, no matter how small. That, coupled with a twelver of a favorite brew, equals cool relief. Ron might very well come home to a bikini-clad me, sleeping in my little oasis in the middle of the livingroom.

Okay, I'm avoiding work as usual. I'll leave you with some more ~flashbacks~ from last year. I've got more than one... Apparently June 2005 was a busy month in writing!

~Flashback 1~

~Flashback 2~

~Flashback 3~

~Flashback 4~

~Flashback 5~

~Flashback 6~

Okay, shit...I know...that's enough! Those are for those of you who really like to READ. Ha.

Later.

Not cool

A very strange thing happened yesterday, not too long after I finished my entry. I began to feel nauseous. I thought nothing of it...thought it would go away after a bit. No, instead it got steadily worse. I tried sipping tea and nibbling crackers to "settle" things, but soon after the sipping and nibbling I found myself crouched over the toilet in the classic puking stance. Relief followed, but was brief. After two more launches, I decided that it was best to go home. I couldn't concentrate at all because the nausea kept returning. I even had to pull my car over on the way home and puke in a bush. THAT's certainly something I've never done before! I didn't care who was looking (luckily, I don't think anyone saw) I just wanted to get it out fast so I could get home and sleep away whatever was upsetting my stomach so much. And sleep I did. Luckily I didn't wake up nauseous anymore. I just slept until about 8:30 p.m., at which time I actually had what felt like the return of a small appetite. So I had some more tea and nibbled some toast. This time it stayed down...ahhhh. I watched a bit of t.v. and then it was back to bed.

This morning I woke up feeling better. Still a little weak, but better. So I dressed and headed off to work. Then another strange thing happened... I was not half a block from work when my car engine just turned off. I was like, "What the??", as I coasted to a parking spot right in front of my work building. I felt lucky that my car ran to the point that it did, AND to get a parking spot right in front of the building. Once I was safely parked, I tried the engine. It turned but didn't start up and keep running. Hmmm... So I called Ron and he came to my rescue. First he checked it out and then he decided to call his friend at the shop that replaced my engine. We had it towed there and I have yet to find out what is wrong with it. So now I'm trying to find a ride home, as Ron will be working by the time I get off. Did I mention how much I LOVE his schedule? *sigh* First I tried Melanie, but she's got a meeting after work. Now I'm trying my friend Janine...she's got some stuff that she's trying to reschedule and then she'll get back to me. If that doesn't work out I'm not sure what I'm gonna do. I suppose I could take the bus. I'm ashamed to say that I haven't taken the bus in something like 15 years. I don't even know the routes from here. Am I spoiled or what?! I guess I could ask my boss for a ride home... It sure sucks to be stranded!

These things, along with work being kinda shitty, have made for a not so good start of my week. I'm starting to feel weak and tired again, I only had a little soup earlier today. I just want to go home and bury myself in bed.

Fun and exhaustion

I am SO tired this morning. I'm at my limit again, I've gone to bed way too late that past couple of nights and I'm not doing well at all. I need my sleep in a bad way. I can't wait until this day is over.

The weekend was lots of fun. Friday night Melanie and I headed to our friend Richs neck of the woods, by the beach, for his birthday get together. He decided to have it at a little bar and grill a few blocks from the beach. Great atmosphere and nice people. It was fab seeing Rich again, haven't seen him in almost a year! He and I talked and talked about wedding plans. He is going to be a huge help, as he is head caterer at a hotel and plans weddings all the time. Ron and I plan to get together with him in the next couple of weeks.

Saturday morning Ron and I had an appointment to check a nice hotel that's near my work. It was much better than the last place we visited a few months ago. Amazing what a difference a person who knows what they're doing makes. I barely had to ask any questions! We both liked it a lot so it's going to be a big consideration...so far. Things are moving right along now and I don't feel as stressed about it anymore. I JUST WANT TO GET MARRIED! WEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday afternoon we took my dad to a car show for Father's Day. My dad has been retired for a couple of years and has rebuilt an old volkswagen bug convertable. He is ready for his next project, hopefully a hotrod. This show was perfect for him, he had such fun looking at all the old cars, talking to people, getting ideas... He and Ron talked a lot while I ran around frantically snapping pictures of AMAZING cars. So many photo ops, a photographers wet dream. I'm no photographer, but I did get some great shots. Including one of Ron and I, IN THE SAME PICTURE. FINALLY. The show was a great success!

Sunday, Ron and I stayed home and tootled around the house. We didn't go to the family father's day thing because it was far away and we'd taken my dad out the day before. It was a nice change from the usual meeting of the family at some restaurant. It was such a hot day and I had gotten burned on Saturday, so I was just hot and tired. And hot. And tired. Bleh. But we got a little bit done and then rested most of the day. Then we started watching movies, listening to music, playing on the computer... Didn't get to bed until 2 a.m.!

Okay, I'm tired and I have to get some work done. I'll leave ya with some nice pictures from the show.



LOOK! He does exist! And we're TOGETHER!



Dad and future son-in-law bonding. AWWwwwww!



No, he just can't smile for a close up!



I'm roddin'!



It's a silver bullet!



Ooooooooooooooh, peeeeeeeeerdy!



Look at that crazy beehive lookin' thing!



This one turned out just plain funky. That's the reflection of the car behind me as I was taking a shot of the very realistic flames on the side of another car. I've never seen flames like that!

Okay, that's it... Later!

Art Pad site

You gotta check this site out. It's great fun! Draw me something!

Get right with me

Okay, Zoot, I was a bad bad girl. I didn't do my homework last night. But I still wanted to do it and was gonna try to get to it sometime this weekend...SWEAR! Now I don't have to write a letter. It seems that I was actually able verbalize all of my thoughts to Ron this morning. I'm so proud of myself. I was able to tell him that I really didn't appreciate the way he was acting toward me, that this behavior is not supportive at all. I even said, "I don't like being chastized like a child! I am perfectly capable." And he agreed, wholeheartedly, that he has not been handling things well. Work has been stressing him so much, especially the people. I told him what I have observed and concluded and he took it all in stride and apologized again. Ah, he sure does listen and understand when he is in the mood. Hell, he's a libra, just like my boss. A moody dudie. He also said, "I don't want you to have to "deal" with me, as in these moods." I replied with, "That's just the way it goes in a relationship. Dealing with your partner. SUPPORTING them. You get depressed, angry, etc...I get depressed, angry, etc. We're HUMAN." And I mentioned counseling again. He's still somewhat receptive. He agrees he has issues (with his dad, too) and he wants to try to sort as much out by himself as he can before he gets help. That's fine with me. We are in tune. I am so happy to be there to love, support and understand him because it looks like I am the first one to do that in a very long time. And I will still write a letter if I have to. I have all the documentation that I need right here. All the documention that I'm sharing with the fucking planet. Ron would not like that. But he doesn't have to know. *wink* *wink*

Okay, on to other things...

Did I mention that I gave myself a haircut about a month ago? Not sure if I did... Well, usually after about a month or so I can see how it's growing out and I can positively say, so far so good! I got a couple of pretty decent haircuts from the cute girl at Supercuts but as usual, they started to grow out kind of weird. It's only because I'm still in the correction/growing out phase from the abortion of a haircut I got from my "salon" guy about six months ago. I've had to consistently trim it every two months since that mess. Now it's finally starting to look the way I want it and not like I'm wearing a fucking football helmet. I HATE HATE HATE layered cuts in which the bottom is longer than the top. You know, where the sides are short, the bangs are short...looks like a MULLET. And it grows out horribly. ESPECIALLY with this curly ass hair I've got. Curly hair looks much better when there is weight on the bottom.

From watching these so called "experts" all these years, I was able to give myself what's called an "undercut". It's where they part your hair into three sections (part in the middle, bottom half), put two of the sections in a clip or scrunchie and bring down a layer on the neck part. The thickness of the layer you bring down depends on how many layers you want in the undercut. It's usually one layer, closest to the neck and the shortest, another layer that's about a half inch longer and then you bring down the rest of the hair (still parted in the middle) that should be cut so it's a half in longer than the second layer. Easy, right? Except for the fact that I kinda suck at parting my hair evenly. That's where having curly hair comes in handy. Doesn't matter if it's a tad uneven 'cause it won't show! I've always liked how the undercut makes my hair fall so it's heavier on the bottom. This makes the curls turn to ringlets. The only other layers I like are the sides next to my face being a little shorter than the bottom and tapered to the neck...and then maybe some bangs that go to the middle of my face or maybe my chin. THREE layers, as opposed to FIVE. I tapered the sides by wetting my hair and sticking it to my face. Then I dragged the scissors down each cheek, being sure to trim in a straight line toward the bottom.

So there you have it. Lessons in haircuts. Now go give yourself one and send me pics. HAHAHA! Now I'm gonna let it grow out for a while. I'll probably get a cut from Supercuts girl just to even things out for good in about four months or so. I want my hair to be a little bit past my shoulders for my wedding. I think that's a possibility!

In other news (I like this segue, lotsa people use it), I was listening to Depeche Mode this morning, as I've been in what I like to refer to as "The Depeche Mode Mood". It happens when I hear a song on the radio or listen to one from my library. Then I just have to listen to another album from my library. Yes, they are my all time favorite band and no, I'm not a gay man. Anyway, I was listening to the song "Get Right with Me", hence the title of this entry, and I like the words. I believe they refer to God. I like that Mr. Blasphemous wrote these words because they have a nice message. I think. Unless I'm interpereting it COMPLETELY wrong...

I will have faith in man
That is hard to understand
Show some humility
You have the ability
Get right with me

Friends if you've lost your way
You will find it
Again some day
Come down from your pedistals
Open your mouths that's all
Get right with me

Life is such a short thing
That I cannot comprehend
But if this life were a bought thing
There are ways I know we'd mend

People take my advice
Already told you once
Once or twice
Don't waste your energy
Making apologies
Get right with me.


Yea, got it right with Ron. Still working on getting it right with God. You know I believe in you, right Big Guy? Ooops....I know hate being called that!

Now, I leave with a drawing that one of my "friends" (an old highschool aquaintance) on Myspace posted to my page. We were both on swim team, and I drew this...I think like in 10th grade. HAHAHAHA! I was still trying to get people down...



Later!

Stans next Halloween costume and a few cute sayings

I have an all white kitty and I STILL haven't painted his ass for Halloween. It's about time I take advantage of that loverly white canvas, doncha think?

I liked this email that I received and you KNOW what I have to do when I get an email I like, right? Why, post it HERE of course! I especially like numbers 3 and 6. How 'bout you?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over?

2. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

3. My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.

4. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

5. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

6. Remember, some people are alive simply because it is illegal to shoot them.

Flowing...in more ways than one

Okay, so here I am at work unable to concentrate again. I just have to write in between tasks. I have a lot on my mind. Namely, where my relationship is going. I received some very helpful insight in my comments that I will take to heart. That's part of why I write here, to get helpful insight from you guys. In other words...free therapy! Thanks so much...

Last night I ended up stopping at my brothers and we made a nice spaghetti dinner. That helped alleviate my loneliness. Then I went home and played with the pets for a bit before I passed out on the couch. Ron woke me at about 2 a.m. (as usual) and my tongue was firmly stuck to the roof of my mouth. Ew. And ouch! After a guzzle of water from the sink it was crash into bed time. I really wanted to talk to and hug Ron more, but I was doing a mid-sleep body transfer and wanted nothing but to go back to deep sleep. Now I'm still not awake. Ughggahhag.

I've decided that since I love writing so much, I'm going to sit my butt down and write Ron a letter about how he's been making me feel about myself. In it, I am going to mention marriage counseling again. I mentioned it to him last week and he seemed receptive. We really do need it, as we need to get some things out into the open in front of a third party. I have determined, many times actually, that he is simply not happy with where he is and as much as he wants to deny it, he's got ISSUES. He is taking it out on me and he needs to know this. Then he can deny and argue all he wants...in front of a counsellor. Everyone has their own set of problems and sometimes they need a little help sorting them out. There is nothing wrong with that.

Shit, this isn't working. I seriously gotta concentrate... I'll be back later. Maybe.

Where was I? Oh yea...

Sunday was the best. The first visit to the beach this year. We went with my cousin Mark and his son, Mason again. It was a gray morning, like it usually is in June, and so we didn't get as much of an early start as we usually do. Once we left we only drove about halfway there and then pulled off the freeway to have lunch at a lovely little bar and grill. Two beers and a philly cheese steak later, we were off to the beach. We went to one that's a little further up the coast than our usual one. It had many more rocks, some of them with little caves to explore. All we did was walk around and explore and then lay on the beach for a while. The water was way too cold to even put a toe in. But it's so nice to listen to...I can think of nothing more relaxing than the swoosh-swoosh-swooshing of the ocean.

We only spent about an hour there and then decided to go home and have a BBQ. Ron made his fabulous BBQ burritos. And we drank lots and lots and lots 'o beer. I've pretty much quit drinking beer, especially during the week. It just makes me feel so damn bloated. Not to mention the fact that I've lost 8 pounds since quitting! But I've also been watching my portions... Anyway, I allowed myself to splurge on Sunday. And SPLURGE I did!!! I'm a lightweight again and after five beers I was fuh-ay-ded. You know how it is when you've got a good buzz happening and then the FOOD comes in? Yea, I munched and munched. Mmmm-bobba!!

I also loaded a whole lotta music onto my player. That thing is great, it plays music, videos and holds pictures too! You put an album on it and it downloads all the info from the internet...song names, album cover, release date... I can't believe I went so long without one! I'm such a techno-phobe. It's still not going to replace my CDs though, because it only holds 500 songs. It'll be cool to put albums on and then take them off. Yay, I wuv my new toy!

Okay, that's about all the shit I'm spewing today. I'm off to go home and be alone. *sigh* I don't feel like being alone tonight. I tried to make plans but they fell through the last minute so now I have nothing to do. I'm feeling extra lonely today. I know I should enjoy it, but I don't feel like it. I don't wanna go home.

I'm a little depressed today, too. Ron has been much better, but there's still an issue and it's making me feel bad. The issue is me, really. He thinks I'm a ditzoid. He hasn't outright CALLED me that...he just says that he worries a lot about me because I don't seem to be all there. I forget things, I don't listen, etc. I tell him that this is just how I am...I'm a ditzy, on Mars...I've always been that way, regardless of the pot I've smoked. Hell, I've made it THIS far. But now he's making me nervous and therefore, I do the duh's more often. He says he doesn't want to do the extra WORK it takes to deal with that. He also wants me to quit Paxil. He says that it will cause birth defects and the sooner I get off it the better. I don't want to, but I do. But I'm so afraid. He still doesn't understand. I feel like he's not satisfied with the way that I am. Like he wants more from me. "What are your goals?", he asks. I honestly don't know. I don't have any. What ARE my goals? I don't care.

I just feel like a huge dork lately, too. Like no one cares or understands. I'm worried about a lot of things. I don't know. I'm just making myself feel worse right now. I'd better go.