It's going fine, really

Another long time no writin'. All is going just swell. I'm really liking my new job. Everyone is very nice and easy to get along with. The only problem is that it's not full time yet. I know they're planning on hiring me, but they have to wait out the contract with the agency. I agreed to take a few less hours for the time being so that they can afford to keep me on while they work things out. I think the minimum for this agency is two months. I have a meeting planned with my boss for next week so that we can go over when exactly I will be brought on full time. But for now this is working for me. Partly because I've been working part time for so long that I really don't want to go full again! Heh... But I know I have to. At least I'm going in every day now.

It's still kind of surreal not working for that Poopie Co. anymore. I don't miss my old boss at all, although I do miss my co-worker. She was a sweetheart. I really hope she's doing okay. So far I haven't gotten any desperate emails from her so I assume all is well.

Sorry, still no pictures of my new gecko, Charlie. He sure is cute though. Love to watch him 'hunt' and eat crickets. I need to get the camera out and do some downloading. We've taken many fun, random pictures this summer. We still haven't made it to the beach though. It's been very weird weather, quite cold for summer. I'm dreading the inevitable heat wave that's going to come most likely at the end of this month and last on and off through November. There will be fires in them hills!

I know, I'm terribly boring lately. Well, I'd rather be boring than all stressed out. I've been trying my best to keep the stress at a minimum in all areas of my life. It's just not worth it.

Holy CRAP! It's finally happened!

Well I've been sooo very out of the internet loop lately and today I finally have the time and motivation to write in here.

So the biggest news of all is that I have FOUND A NEW JOB! And since I'm so lazy with writing lately and I'm tired of telling the story over and over... I'ma go ahead and copy and paste from an email in which I told a friend about said new job...

"Well I've got some news for you! Guess what?! JUST GUESS. I GOT A NNEEWWW JOOOOOOBBB!!!! AAAAAAAAA!!!! *bells n' whistles* *confetti* *confetti* I'm thrilled to the gills because a.) I finally get to get away from that crazy, snobby boss 'o mine and work in an office with mostly MEN. b.) I no longer have a 40 minute to hour long commute (try 6 minutes...home for lunch, here I come!) and c.) It's FULL TIME and the same position of office manager at a small company! Yaaay!

The company is in the environmental/architectural field in that they locate subsurface utilities, gas lines, cables, underground storage tanks. So it's technicians out on the field n' me in the office making sure all is well.

It's actually a pretty young business (7 years old) and it's growing so the owner (a nice family man in his mid 40's who grew up in the area) is moving to the next step, which was to hire a full time person to help him get there. I have all the right small business experience and I'm actually very excited to be able to use the skills I learned during my 7 year tenure at Poopie Co. Even though my boss was very irritating, I still admire parts of her and am very thankful for what I did manage to squeeze out of her. Yea...couldn't get a lot of money, but I did get knowledge n' that's important..."

That's pretty much it in a little 'ol nutshell. So I'm on my last week at the old job and working every other day while I put in a few hours at the new place until I start full time next week. I'm sure as time goes on my new boss will be annoying in his own way, but hell... What boss isn't? You have to give that to them and respect them for giving you work...until it becomes such that you have to move on for your own good. That's what I'm doing. No hard feelings, just very happy to be able to move on. FUCKINGFINALLY.

There are plenty of other things that are new but I'm not in the mood to write about it at the moment. Oh wait, one thing I should mention... I also got a new pet this past weekend. My little Rosie Tarantula died about six months ago and I really missed having a cute little guy in a ten gallon tank to feed crickets to. Well I was at the fish store replacing one of my bulbs when I gazed upon their vast reptile collection. Before I knew it, I found myself asking what they might suggest as a low maintenance critter that eats crickets and stays small. Dude pulled out a fat tailed gecko and I fell in love. I'll have to post a pic when I get a good one. He is SO ADORABLE!!!

Well, it's time to get to the store n' grab some dinner fixins. I will be back sooner than before, I promise. And I'll post a pic of my latest art project, too! WHOoOoo!

BAROO?

One of my first pet portraits! I did this for a friend. It's actually just the first attempt. I'm not sure if I want to do a pencil version. I quite like the stark black n' white with thick lines. It's kinda my thing. Maybe I'll do another one and shade it with water colors. Yay me! I drawd again! :P

Number 650

This here is my 650th post on this blog. Has it really been six years? Almost seven? I don't seem to have much to say as of late. There's plenty going on but I don't feel much like writing about it. I usually come here just to check out a few of the blogs on my roll over there.

Nothing has really changed... Still at my job part time, still working on taking care of an animal or two on the side. Still unable to touch my art. I'm getting too emotional over it and it's screwing me. I could be doing pet portraits right now. But I'm too busy being depressed and feeling sorry for myself. Yea, same old shit on a different day.

I'm also trying not to distract myself with too many things online while at work. I started the nasty habit years ago and it's a tough one to quit. I can't take advantage of my employer like that, no matter how shitty they may seem. So facebook, blogs, message boards and the like have taken a backseat to work. By the time I get home I don't feel much like looking at a computer screen anymore. I'm also doing other things on my days off, like looking for jobs and working on my business. Besides, there's not much to say other than I continue to struggle in life and it's my own damn fault.

There are a few good things, though... A neighbor has hired me to take care of his 28 gallon salt tank so I've got my first "client". I've also looked into volunteering at a local parrot sanctuary. Unfortunately, I won't be allowed to handle the birds, but I will be able to help prepare their food n' shyt. I hope to start doing a few days a week this summer.

OH YEA! And now Ron is out of work! Isn't that lovely? I do believe he'll be called right back as soon as they get some contracts going again, but right now it's pretty dry so they're making him stay home. So now we're really poor and both dependent on unemployment benefits...well, until I can get off my lazy, insecure ass and make money with my own business! Right...

That's about it for now. I must go and work on my positive outlook. Yea... That's it!

Three years...

Well, it certainly hasn't been easy, but we've made it to the three year mark. Happy Anniversary to us. Things may be a bit dysfunctional, but at least it's still mostly happy. Cheers to a better year for both of us.

Love you, my great big fannyhead.

Still plugging away, but I learned something new!

Life continues at the usual pace... Just coming here to put down some thoughts...

I'm still plugging away at my shitty job. Still interviewing a bit, but not enough. It's better than nothing though. I'm so worried about my future. I hate it here, it is soul crushing. But I'm doing what I gotta do for now.

After getting our taxes done yesterday, I'm feeling very unorganized. I learned two major lessons, the first being that I REALLY NEED to start deferring some of my meager income into some sort of savings for retirement. I'm so behind and can't believe I haven't done anything yet. I've thought about it, but now it's time to get some much needed financial advice. Second is that I need to save ALL MY RECEIPTS. Especially if I'm thinking of doing any sort of business on my own. But I continue to struggle to get my shit together. I'm managing to scrape it into a big pile right now. The pet sitting business is slow, but coming. I think I might just go ahead and make some business cards to start distributing. I'm hesitant to start a website. I don't know why. Plus, the friend that is helping me is seriously lagging...of course. Well, he's got a baybee on the way so I might end up getting screwed and doing the site myself. New parents tend to drop off the face of the planet.

Another thing worth mention is my weight. I've gained at least 20 pounds. My drinking habits have not helped and I've decided to slow down. Especially with the beer, which I've acquired quite the taste for. I've really been putting it away the past six months or so, and my belly and butt are showing it. Also, the lack of energy has caused me to slow down on exercising. So no more drinking during the week and it's gotta be controlled on the weekends. Maybe I can be a good influence on Ron, who continues to drink way too much beer. I won't say how much because it's embarrassing.

Despite that, I think we're doing pretty well in learning how to deal with each other. The relationship continues to run much smoother. We're trying to appease each other's needs a little more and it helps. I'm also trying my best to stay calm and not let his words or actions get to me... Pretty damn hard and we still slip into an argument here and there. It pains me to see what an alcoholic Ron is. He admits it but doesn't do anything about it. He simply cannot quit drinking so much and won't think it's a real problem until his health is affected. This scares the holy hell out of me, but I am powerless. If I nag, it'll just start an argument. So I have to try to be an example and wait to see if he decides to stop. I'm just not sure how long I can wait while he continues this selfish behavior. The sad thing is that he thinks he has it all under control and he doesn't seem to understand my conern.

So... While I bury those problems, let's get to something positive shall we? I finally, FINALLY learned how to snowboard! I started about three seasons ago and only managed to hit the mountain one to two times a year since. Each time I went I most literally HIT the mountain and was therefore unenthused for a while. Actually, I didn't go at all last year. It took Melanie being unemployed and me being partially unemployed for us to get up there more than a few times so that I could actually make progress and start to learn. She and her brother discovered an awesome bunny slope that is longer and more advanced than the old bunny slope we used to hit on the other side of the mountain. That slope really helped me learn, as well as using a board that was the right size for me. Turns out the board Ron got me was way too big and that's what was keeping me from being able to turn and control the thing without going too fast or falling. We went again on Sunday with her brother, his friend and Ron and it was so fun! I even managed to get down the bunny slope twice without falling and THEN make it down the real, long run down the face of the mountain! I fell about four times on that one, but they were little and much more controlled. Hehe!

Well that's it for now. I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed again. Time to do the usual and finish my work so the day goes by and I can go home. Bye for a while...

It's not over! I'm still alive!

Nope. I'm still writing in here. Nothing very interesting though. I'm too scatterbrained to stick to a theme. Unless that theme is general depression. Heh... No, I'm actually doing fine despite the fact that I'm poor. It could be worse.

So I almost got a new job this week at a real estate development/property management company. ALMOST. But they moved too fast for me, wouldn't even let me go home and think about it. I interviewed last Thursday. Friday they called me to come in on Monday. There was another candidate there when I arrived on Monday morning. We both had to read the company manual and then take a comprehension test. We both sat in the owners office as he went over our tests and grilled us about the wrong answers. Then he had us go back, open the manuals and do the wrong answers over. When we were done with that, he sat us both down and told us we were both hired and that we'd be switching off between that office and another one in the valley. He said we'd get training that afternoon and start putting together our personnell files. Then he said he needed to talk to us separately for about 10 minutes each, I assume to discuss our compensation. The other girl was first so I stepped out and looked around the office a bit. I was terribly nervous and uncomfortable. I really wasn't sure I wanted to accept the job.

While I waited, I walked over to the old receptionist/secretary that we were to replace and tried to make small talk by asking her how long she'd been there. A whopping two weeks and Monday was her last day. Not too surprised, I asked if the boss was 'difficult' and she nodded enthusiastically. We whispered a bit and I told her I still needed to give my two weeks and that I wasn't ready to start the job yet. She said he didn't let her go home and think about it, either. That's when I realized that this was not the environment I wanted to be in, much less one I'm going to last in. A very strict place where we weren't allowed to touch the internet or even personalize our own computers. Man...I've gotten way too spoiled here. Anyway, next thing I know the other girl came out of his office and some auditors arrived and were whisked into his office. No time for me to talk to the guy before we're taken to the break room and told we need to go to lunch because by that time it was 11:45. I'm handed a time card and off we go! I was close to home (one of the perks) so I just drove there on my lunch break. After talking to Ron and Melanie, I called them from home to say I wouldn't be coming back and that I'd decided the position wasn't for me.

I feel like a chicken shit, but I can honestly say I'm glad I didn't take the position. I could just tell by reading the manual and by the way the guy talked to me that this was not going to be a good fit. Not to mention that I'd be working for yet another filthy rich person. In the manual was the list of accounts and files. I got to the page that listed his personal accounts and noticed a beach house, a mountain cabin, cars for each of the kids... Ugh... And he had pictures of his stupid kids and grandkids all over the place. A fambly man. BARF. Hehe...I'm such a bitch. I really don't mind family people if they're not rich, arrogant assholes. And if they don't talk about their kids too much. Hehehe!

Some other exciting news, Ron and I went on 'vacation' to Brian Head resort in Utah this year. He had three days off of work and I had enough time off to combine it into the short vacation. It was the same thing as last year, we spent it at his mom's time share resort. It was beautiful weather and the slopes were great. I'm starting to get the hang of snowboarding. I might just get it this year if I can make it to the mountain a few more times. But the trip was way too short. We got there Thursday night and spent Friday and Saturday, then left Sunday evening after a movie. It sucked having to come home so soon.

That's about all I have time for now. I've been so damn busy at work because I only have two days to do shit and we're starting to get busy for Easter again. I hope I get some more hours soon. My unemployment was delayed and I'm completely broke. It really sucks and makes me feel like such a loser. Maybe one day I'll get a real job. Maybe one day I'll get this pet sitting thing off the ground.

New horizons

I'm moving right along in my pet sitting business venture. This is the first version of my logo. I'm getting some new graphics software tomorrow from my friend at the aquarium shop so I can color it a little better. He's going to put Adobe Fireworks on my little 'ol girl. I'm tired of Photoshop and I'd like to see what I can do with this in another program for a change. He's also going to help me build a website. I've got my domain name, too! I'll reveal that a little later in the process when things are a little more concrete. But it's a start to getting myself out there. The business cards will come a little later. A website is a better first step... Then I'll have the address on the cards! In' 'nat sumpthin'? Heh...

So I'm going to concentrate on exotics. Birds, reptiles, rodents, insects... Of course I'll offer services for dogs and cats, but my heart with the not so traditional pets. There aren't too many people willing to take your Boa for a weekend or read to your lonely cockatoo while you're on a business trip. Well, maybe there are... But I'd love to be one of them.

In other news, my marriage continues to improve. I don't know what it is... Maybe we just needed to hit rock bottom. I know it's never going to be easy, but I think we're picking up the tools to make this work a little better. And it's so true... In order to make a change in a relationship, or anywhere in life, you need to start with yourself. That's what I've done. I started with this anxiety I keep having over cleaning. I've finally realized that the clean police are not going to break down my door and drag me away to dirty jail for not vacuuming every day. The dishes can wait, too. Keeping up and doing them little by little helps, too. The main thing is that it's doesn't all HAVE to be done NOW. Ron doesn't even nag me. It's ME who keeps putting all this pressure on myself. I don't need it anymore.

That's it for an update. I've gotta eat din din now. Mmmm... Tuna Helper. I am SUCH a cook.

Feeling a little small...but fyne.

Well hi and a very late Happy New Year! Now I'm going to ask the inevitable... Is it ALREADY 2010?! What the hell happened to the last ten years?!

So things have been going fine lately. Just the usual. The first pet sitting job went great and I was invited back for the next week. I'm now working on my business card design and will hopefully have it printed by next week. I'm also psyching myself up to look at the vet tech/animal husbandry classes at some nearby *gulp* schools. I figure I need to strengthen my skills and it may as well be with the animals because I would like that to be my career.

Speaking of "career"... To the people who keep telling me how talented and wonderful my drawing is and how I should make that my main career goal, make cartoons, go into graphic art (BLAH), paint, sell, sell, sell because I could make so much more money at it! First of all, thank you very much for your confidence in my talent. HOWEVER. I am not interesed in making it a career. It is something that I used to love and it has become a major source of anxiety. I can't sit down and just draw for the joy of it anymore without a voice in my head telling me I missed the boat and should have done this for a living and that I'ma great big failure because everyone is always wondering WHY I didn't do my ART ART ART because I'm so TALENTED.

I'm working on making it enjoyable again and that's about all I can do right now. I know there are so many things I can do with art when it comes to making money. Really though, the market is flooded with artists. I've also gotten screwed a few times, which is inevitable when you're starting out. I know that sounds like an excuse but honestly, I'm just not interested in putting in the effort to make myself a known artist. Maybe some day I'll meet someone serious, someone who actually has the FUNDS to PAY ME for my work. Until then I will continue to work on not putting so much pressure on myself and loving it again like I used to. Also, I will NEVER, EVER, EVER, EEEVVVVERRRRR do ANYTHING FOR ANYONE without PAYMENT, FIRST AND FOREMOST!

No... I'm not bitter. I'm excited about figuring out the next step in doing something that I actually like as my everyday job. I know that I'll always have my art and I WILL be inspired again. It's never too late.

Other than that, things are just peachy. I can't believe how much Ron and my attitudes have changed in the past few months. I hope we can keep it up because we're doing well. We're finally communicating like adults. I expect some more pitfalls here and there, but I'm not going to let it get as bad as it did before. That's all for now. Maybe I'll be back sooner than three weeks next time...

Later!

I managed to make something

Here is the company Christmas card. Isn't that lovely? Every year I have to make one and this year was very difficult. But I managed. I'm not too thrilled with it but it's okay. I didn't want to spend too much time on it. Those are the same clouds I used in another picture I did a while back. I'm glad I kept that file because they were perfect for this.

Oh yes, I actually do have something somewhat exciting to report! I think I've figured out a way to make some extra money during this very difficult time. I'm going to start a pet sitting business. It's probably going to start with mostly dogs and cats but I'm eventually going to concentrate on exotics. Birds, fish tanks (salt n' fresh), reptiles, bugs, rats, mice, sugargliders, skunks, alligators... Whatever the hell people have 'cause I ain't afraid a nuthin'! I figure that if I want to get back into the pet industry that this is the best way to do it.

I haven't done any Christmas shopping at all. I just wish we could celebrate without all the cards, decorations and overall trash that this season produces. I'm so tired of trying to figure out what the fuck to get everyone. I guess it helps to have a better attitude, yea? Heh...

Speaking of gifts, I have a friend whose birthday is right around Christmas. She's always been a popular people pleaser so she's got many friends. Anyway, I received her Christmas/birthday 'wishlist' by email the other day. Handbags, accessories, gift cards, spa visits... It must be nice to have so many friends and family to expect this shit from. I guess that's why she runs herself ragged doing things with and for others. She's a very nice person, but a big drama queen who is constantly busy busy busy busy. Wanna hang out with her? Better make plans at least a week ahead of time. She also loves to be the center of attention. Every year there's a surprise party or a trip to Disneyland for the birthday. Then I get this list. I can't help but feel pretty damn insulted, but maybe that's just me. I mean, who the fuck does she think she is? A fucking celebrity?!

I guess I'm actually kind of irritated with her. We can never just have an impromptu hang out. She's always got somewhere to be, someone to visit, errands to run... Last night we finally saw each other. It had been several months. I'm glad she invited our other mutual friend because I thought it was just going to be the three of us and of course it wasn't. She had arranged to get together with some other friends from some job she had a few years ago. So we met up at some nasty dive bar and after three drinks and an hour of them talking about work and pretty much ignoring us, I'd had it and left. Mutual friend left about 20 minutes later, I found out, because they just kept talking about work. This friend has a tendancy to be rude like that. I don't think I'm gonna see her for a while. She doesn't have the time, anyway.

Well, I'm at work again and I need to concentrate. I'll be back next week...maybe before Christmas. Woop.

Later!

When are the Hellidays gonna be OVER?

Only two more weeks of this shit and we can get back to normal. I haven't even done any shopping yet. It's hard to think about shopping when my hours are going to be cut in half again come January. Not only that, my actual pay will be cut also. I suppose I deserve it for staying at this shitty job for so long and not having the courage or confidence to leave and try something else. I have a horrible work ethic and I really don't know what to do. I don't WANNA work, but I have to.

Everything is okay at home still. Trying to actually work on things instead of cry about how horrible it all is.

In other news, I continue to play stupid Fakebook games. That's about it. I have to get out of here now and go get my damn Christmas cards. Most people on my list are just getting a card. I've told them the same. No gifts, please! I'm so tired of the season mainly because of all the lame consumerism. It's bullshit and I won't deal with it. The end... For now...

Just LOOK at it!

Thank you to my lovely internet friend for this. You know who you are... I love it and had to send it to all my friends, especially my birdy friends. Look at that adorably detailed teeny tiny kitchen! AAA!!! I love miniatures and would love to collect some...if I had the room.

So yea, I'm still alive. I'm ashamed to admit that this place has taken a backseat to the mindless games on Fakebook. Well, they're just the current internet sensation to help me pass the day. Stupid time-wasters like 'Farmville', 'Fish World' and 'Cafe World' distract me from reality as well as provide me with pointless goals that make me feel productive. They actually have helped make me more productive at work, as they help me set a sort of schedule.

It goes kinda like this... Start task/project, check on farm, finish task, check on fish tank, go back to project put off last week, check cafe, do a little of project and put off again to check on fish tank. I know it's bad, but my productivity really isn't affected too much. I need something to distract myself with during the day or I'll go crazy. Lately it's been the stupid games because they keep me from thinking too much.

I've actually laid off going to that childfree site I used to frequent because it's one of the things that puts a negative spin on my thinking. I mean, it's okay to visit and let off steam, but I really don't want to think about it so much anymore. Especially THAT shit. So I don't want kids. So the fuck what. I have to turn it into a more positive thing and not make such a big deal about it. All it does is make me look insecure and angry and I want to get rid of those feelings. Well, I know I'll never be completely rid of them (maybe the insecurity if I'm lucky) but it does help to back off a bit.

Well tomorrow is another visit with the counselor with Ron. This will help decide our next course of action. Things have been okay and we're both in 'trying' mode again. I've also got plans in case things don't work. I've got alternatives, I just don't feel all the way ready to pick up and go right now. I'm scared, of course, but I cannot take one more fight like the one we had a few weeks ago. It's way too emotionally taxing. I'm just trying to keep myself together and be calm. But I'm not doing enough to help my depression. I guess I have to want to help myself rather than continue to feel bad. I wish I could dig this black spot out of my chest. For now I have to chip away at it the best I can by telling myself it's gonna be okay. It's not that bad...

Morningview

Gee whiz, could Incubus' album "Morningview" possibly be about the process of breaking up? Every song touched a nerve this morning as I listened to it while driving to work. Especially "Mexico"...

"You could see me reaching
So why couldn't you have
Met me halfway
You could see me bleeding
But you could not put
Pressure on the wound

You only think about yourself
You only think about yourself
You'd better bend before I go
On the first train to Mexico

You could see me breathing
But you still kept
Your hand over my mouth
You could feel me seething
But you just turned
Your nose up in the air

You only think about yourself
You only think about yourself
You'd better bend before I go
On the first train to Mexico

You only think about yourself
You only think about yourself
You'd better bend before I go
On the first train to Mexico"

Yea, still struggling with shit on the brain. Trying to figure out what to do next. Trying to get the nerve to help myself. It will happen. There is hope.

Would you like to see a true example of the resentment and frustration that has built up inside? It's a beautiful email I wrote to a friend this morning. Warning, my language is quite 'flowery'...

"Happy Wednesday to ya. I hope you're okay today. I'm at work today and have tomorrow off. I need to spill a coupla things to ya.

First thing...Ron broke the bottom drawer on the plastic storage 'dresser' thingie I have in the closet. He said he'd replace it, no problem. That was like five months ago. I found out this morning that what he actually meant was that I was supposed to buy it and he'd pay me for it.

This morning he asked about it, as he was doing his laundry and saw the broken thing, repeating that he had to 'replace' it. I told him he could probably get one at the CVS or Target. He then said that he thought I was going to do it.

Am I crazy/selfish/rude/lazy to expect him to get his lazy fucking ass to the store and replace it for me? For fucks sake? Since HE fucking broke it?! What kind of goddamn motherfucking husband is he?? He KNOWS I hate to shop! What the FUCK?! So yea, I get this attitude from him as I calmly ask if he could please just replace it, as in GO TO THE GODDAMN FUCKING STORE AND GET ONE. IS THAT TOO FUCKING MUCH TO ASK?!"

Ahem.

That wasn't the whole email, just the fun part. This is not going to work, folks. This is not respect.

And this is where you say, "We know, WE KNOW. WHEN are you going to DO something about it?"

When I get the courage.

Perseverence in the Face of Danger

Thank you all for your kind words. As always, I appreciate them so much. I'm glad I write out these feelings when they come on. It's good for me to see the repetitiveness of these nasty thoughts in writing. It makes me want to continue trying to help myself.

I had a good visit with the therapist yesterday and I've got some decisions I need to make. There's no rush though. I'm not going to overwhelm myself with worry right now. As usual I am going to take it day by day and tell myself it's all going to work out fine.

Now I have to finish this day at work. It will be over soon and it's time for Pilates with the coworkers. Yay!

Oh yea...and Happy Halloween. We're not doing anything, really. Just going to spend the day away from the house. Maybe catch a movie or two, check out a museum, go to dinner. Should be a nice weekend.

Later!

R.I.P Rosie spider

My seven year old tarantula, Rosie, died over the weekend. She was looking a little tired the past few months and not eating all of her crickets so I had a feeling she was either going to shed or die. I know it's just a bug, but she was very sweet for a big, hairy spider. We buried her in the planter downstairs from our apartment...said a few words and everything. We're going to miss her.

Well, it was a good weekend. Ron actually got up on Saturday and HELPED ME CLEAN. Yes, he didn't want yet another Sunday to be ruined by my stressing out over cleaning so he decided to start helping me on Saturday mornings so we can get it overwith and enjoy the rest of the weekend. It worked out nicely.

Other than that, I'm just trying to keep my mind out of this turmoil. You're so right, witty, I am still not completely hopeless. I have to try my best to relax, like I keep telling myself. Going to see the therapist on Thursday and he's told me to do the old pros and cons list, which I'm going to start working on tonight.

Oh yea...and work... It's slowed waaayyy down again and I'm afraid we'll be going on part time hours again. I suppose that's okay. I don't care. We'll see what happens. For now I'm just going to continue to do my job and get through the day again. I really hate Mondays.

No, it's not okay

"Sometimes you really don't, really don't, REALLY DON'T know what I mean..."

Right when I say I'm not gonna write. Here I am! Well, I feel like I've got to get this out and it feels better to do it digitally. It's also faster this way.

Things continue to be bad in my marriage. Denial has been rearing its ugly head for so long that it's beginning to trick me into thinking everything is okay. I know, deep down in my soul, that things ARE NOT OKAY. I AM NOT OKAY. The feeling that I'm circling the bowl is not normal. I am not supposed to be this uptight, this worried, this UNHAPPY in a marriage.

For the longest time now, we have lived as separate entities. He works at night and comes home late when I'm already in bed. I wake up early and leave while he's still sleeping. The weekends are a little different. We sleep in late, go out to eat breakfast, run errands, come home with a couple of movies and drink the night away. Sunday is more of the same, except I'm in the dreaded 'cleaning for the week' mood. Gotta get a few things done, the vacuuming, dusting, cleaning the bathroom, laundry. This disturbs the hell out of Ron, as he's trying to watch football. We've had the same argument over and over. He doesn't help me clean so I can get it done faster, no... He just complains and asks why I can't do it during the week. Sometimes the argument disintegrates into a fight. I end up crying hysterically. He gets angry and either leaves or ignores me. I continue with chores, maybe drink a little. He also starts to drink, to relax and comes around to comfort me.

He tells me everything is fine, everything is going to be okay. But it's not...

The reality is that we just don't understand each other. Sure, we share some similarities, that's the reason we got together in the first place. But those few likenesses are NOT enough to sustain a marriage. We were raised with completely different morals. Our families, friends and experiences have made us into who we are. Ron doesn't understand this, he doesn't take these things into account because they don't matter to him. I can't seem to explain it to him in the right way without him taking what I'm saying and twisting it with his own scewed ideals. An obvious problem is that he's never seen what a healthy marriage is supposed to be. Never. How can I expect him to understand?

The unhealthy pattern is taking hold. Something has GOT to change. One of us is not happy and that is one too many. Actually, he is really not happy either. I don't think he knows how to be. If it continues this way it is just going to get worse and worse, until I finally lose my mind. I've already lost so much of my hard earned self esteem.

So what is it going to take? I think a separation will help us. Naturally I'm scared to death and it may take a little while before I stop sitting on these here laurels...but the feeling is there. I can't go on like this on a permanent basis.

It's all in my mind

My self esteem is in the shitter. I caught myself having the usual bad thoughts again this morning. They usually go something like this:

~I'll never amount to anything
~I'm tired of life and don't have motivation to do anything about it.
~Why can't I get myself out of this downward spiral?
~I'll never amount to anything.
~My time has passed, I'm just going to get older and uglier from here on out.
~What am I waiting for? Fear and laziness hold me back.
~I'll never amount to anything.
~I can't continue this way or it'll just get worse and worse.
~It's too hard to change, I can't do it right now.
~I'll never amount to anything.
~I am weak.
~I am stupid.
~I am worthless.
~I want to get out of here but I don't know how, I'm stuck and it's my own fault.
~Everything worth doing is hard.
~I'm scared.
~I'll never amount to anything.

The power of these thoughts is all encompassing. The tools that will help me conquer this beast are right here, I just don't know how to use them. You know, I'm beginning to think I like this stupid struggle that I'm putting myself through... I wish I could stop. I feel so weak and pathetic.

That's all for now. I have to get through the day now.

A respite

In case you haven't noticed, I'm taking a break from blogging. I'll be back...not sure when. I might even move to a different site. I don't know. Life is going okay and I'm trying to keep myself out of trouble. I'm also continuing to write my feelings on paper and it helps. I just don't feel like sharing my shit on here lately is all. That's it for now. Later...

Just as I suspected...

As usual, I have forgiven Melanie, even though she didn't even know I was mad. Heh... Well, she invited me over for artichokes so I think she might have had an idea. But the reason for her odd behavior last week is indeed rooted in the turmoil she is experiencing lately. All the things she had started to build are crumbling down around her. First off, she lost her well-paying job last month and is now home and unemployed. Second, she has finally decided once and for all (I hope, I reeeally reeeally hope) to leave that pile of weird she's been dating and living with for the past 3 + years. He refuses to move to the next level and get married and have a family, which is what Melanie has always pictured herself doing. He also refuses to try to compromise and barely even talks to her. Every time she tries to bring it up it's, "Not now, this is not the right time." But she doesn't want to have to force him so she's given up. They're not in love anymore and just tolerate each other. Poor thing... Now she has the complicated task of finding a new place to live and moving out of a house that she'd been settling in.

The reason she'd said she was tired and just left that evening is because she hadn't slept in two days. She apologized for being such an airhead as to think she could actually exercise in that condition. I can't hold a grudge because I feel terrible for her. That pussy she lives with has done nothing but dissapoint her and now she has to start all over again. The good news is that she received plenty of severence pay from work and has enough to do some fun things for herself for a while. She's leaving next week for France to stay with her cousin for a month. She might even stay there for 6 months if her cousin doesn't decide to move to Cali, then they might get a place together. So she's got a bit of a plan in the works, which is great. I wish her luck and will help her during this very difficult time. She may be somewhat flakey, but she's really helped me in the past.

Who knows? She'll probably meet someone else, have a whirlwind romance and be pregnant by next year! Ugh... That'd be the first of my close friends to do such a thing, but if it's what she wants I have no choice but to be supportive. Besides, it'll be cool to be the weird/fun "auntie" to my good friend's kids. I think...

The whole thing makes me all the more glad I'm not chasing the same old life that everyone else seems to be. I found out last night that Melanie really does want the baby on her hip, dinner in the oven, laundry all over the house life. I just sat there and told her how much of the opposite I am. Then I sympathized with her because I feel very badly for her. I want her to be happy and I hope she finds it soon.

Enough about Melanie... How am I doing? Just fine, actually! I'm continuing to not overthink things. I'm also recognizing the triggers that start Ron and I fighting and at least half was me. Bitchy, angry 'ol me. I discovered that I've been so angry past months that it's ruining me. I've also discovered, once again, that meds work wonders when you remember to take them every day!

Alright, it's time to finish up and get outta here for my jog. Bye bye...

Not even a phone call

Okay, I really love my friend Melanie. Most of the time I understand what motivates her to do the things she does, just as she usually understands my motives. The events of the past couple of days, however, have hurt my feelings. I totally understand that she can be flakey, as can I, especially when we're going through the depressies. But shit, when we make tentative plans and she's gonna flake, she doesn't even bother to call.

Since Melanie is out of work at the moment and doesn't get home as late as she used to, we've been trying to get together for bike rides more often. On Wednesday we agreed to meet at my house at 5:30. It's a given that Melanie is always at least 15 - 30 minutes late so I didn't expect her there until sixish. I get home around 5:40 and call her again (I'd left a message on her home phone when I left work, her cell was off) and she tells me she's getting ready to leave. Okay, so it'll be about 20 or 30 more minutes...mind you, she's only 10 - 15 minutes away. I get my workout clothes on, do a few stretches and then sit in front of the t.v. to wait. For some reason I was watching that Tyler Somebody or Other meets the Browns. Ugh! What a fucking LAMEASS, horribly written, unbelieveably predictable poor excuse for a sitcom! But I sometimes like to watch this shit, just to piss myself off. And I wonder why I have issues... So 6:30 comes and goes, I'm thinking the usual, "Where the hell IS she??" and I try her cell to see if she's on the way. It's still off. No one answers the home phone so she must be on the way. By 6:50 I've had it. I want to get my exercising overwith. I hate working out late because it fucks my whole evening up. So I decide to grab the bike and do a few circles around the block while waiting because she's obviously on her way.

After one trip around the block I come around the corner to see her getting out of her truck. By this time it's probably a bit after 7. An HOUR AND A HALF past the time we'd originally agreed to meet. I say in a partially irritated, partially joking manner as I'm riding up, "I was beginning to think you rode your bike here. What happened?! I mean, an HOUR AND A HALF?!" She replies that she simply, "took her sweet-ass time", which is her M.O. but still, I ask (while smiling to lighten it up), "Not even a PHONE CALL?", to which she answers, "Oh well, you can go then, I'm just gonna go home. I ask why, what's wrong and say I don't understand why she wants to go after loading her bike up and driving all the way over. She says it's no problem, she's just tired and doesn't feel like going after all. Ooookay... We agreed to try again the next day (yesterday) and she asked me to give her a call again when I'm on my way home. Then I take off and get my damn exercise done. Alone. In the dark. Yay.

I call her after work yesterday and it's the same thing... Voicemail. Her phone is off. I leave a message on her home phone asking if she's still up for a ride, telling her it's okay if she's not, just gimme a call on my cell. There's no return call in the next 20 minutes as I head over to the fish store to get some tank stuff. While I'm at the fish store I decide to get another rock to add to my structure. I figure I may as well work on the tank because she's most likely going to flake. I get home by 6:20 and still no phone call to say that she won't make it. She just completely brushed me off. Isn't that nice?

After pissing and moaning about this to Ron and the walls, I realize that it's my good old passive aggressive nature that's made me the doormat again. Melanie knows she can brush me off and I won't do a thing. Why should I though? It's really not worth it to me... Well, it wasn't... Now I'm getting tired of it. She never returns phone calls and flakes on plans a whole helluva lot. But I'm not in much of a position to harp on her because I've been flakey, too. At least I CALL though. Ugh... Whatever. It's been two days of being pissy over this. It doesn't feel good to be brushed off. Good old Julie, she'll always be there if I don't have anything better to do. *HMPH* Fuck that. I'm gonna do it again, just not call her or give a shit. She'll come around when she does. It's really not a big deal I guess.