He's thu lil' suh-suh-suh-meller

Lil' kiddy noes. Whutta yew suh-mellin', Suh-TAN-leee?

Another quick post... I'm feeling okay today. I managed to get a jog in and even painted a little yesterday. Although I found out that I forgot how to blend acrylic colors. I seem to be having a problem. I was working on one of my two small fish and it just was NOT working. The paint is too thick and lumpy. I'm trying to paint yellow over red. I ended up working on this teeny thing for an hour and then scraping some of it off with my fingernail. Ugh... Art is not working for me lately. I am sucking. I just want to finish these two small things and I'm having such a hard time! Even with my brand new paint brushes.

*sigh*

I will work on it again soon. Damn it, I will FINISH these two lousy, 3" fish paitings! ARGH! I can't believe how hard this is for me right now. I swear, I used to know how to paint! It's just a matter of continuing to pick up that paintbrush. I can do it.

Okay, on to the crap I have to do. Gotta get through this checklist. Later...

Thought patterns

Is May coming to a close already? Man, I really haven't been in the mood to write in here... Once I get started things seem to flow. I have to at least attempt to organize my thoughts. Coming back to read them over would be a good thing also...

What's going on in my world? Oh, it's the usual. I keep slipping and I'm not doing a very good job of keeping myself out of the hole. It's the bad thought patterns that are taking over. Which reminds me, I have homework from the therapist. I have to find a book he suggested that will help me train myself on the concept of cognitive behavioral therapy. I wrote about that in here a while back when I'd read an interesting article about it online. Well, I pretty much quoted the article and posted it in the entry. It was basically about getting and keeping hold of the power of your own mind to keep the anxiety and depression at bay.

Negative thought patterns can predominate so easily. They begin the chain reaction, naturally leading to the bad decisions that result in an unsatisfying life. This perpetuates the sadness. But life is only as shitty as you think it is. My problem lies in the fact that many experiences have trained me to think bad thoughts. I tend to focus on the negative and it contributes to how I handle situations and their results. I've gained other bad habits like drinking and smoking to "deal". Guilt makes me continue to keep them under control, but it's starting to become a struggle. I still have decent habits like managing to keep up somewhat of an exercise schedule, eating decent, keeping the apartment pretty clean (despite all the cat hair and feathers), making it to work every day(though not always on time) and good personal hygene. Yea, I'd better not lose that last one, that's when you know you're in trouble.

How to catch these nasty thoughts that swirl in my brain like flies around shit? The first step is to clean up the shit, right? Wait, no... First I have to kill the thing that's shitting all over my brain. That's the tough part. Change is the sword that will slaughter this beast. Anyone know where I can find this weapon? Within myself? Okay! I'll get RIGHT on it! Tomorrow...

Happy Berfday to meh and other bullshit

Haha! Remember this one? I'm not sure if I posted it here before... I probably did. I made it for Ron's birthday in October. I printed it all perdy on photo paper n' shyt.

So today's my day. It's been lovely so far. This morning I got the usual birthday song from my parents, except this time I wasn't able to answer the phone so they left the message on my cell. I'm so glad I have it recorded, it is simply priceless! Thanks, Mom n' Dad, I love you so very much, too.

In my quest to find this birthday drawing, I read some of my older posts, which I haven't done in ages. I was much happier at this time last year. My mind was in a completely different place. Interesting... As I've said a million times before, the year went by very quickly.

Damnit, I just spent way too much time trying to find a rare sketch from SNL that features Bill Murray and a bunch of parrots dressed up as little characters. Ron and I saw it and couldn't stop laughing, it was the cutest thing! I wanted to post it here but it's taking too much time to find. Shit!

Oh well, another not-so-interesting entry for today...

Actually, there's one thing that's sorta bothering me. I finally got off of Shitspace, right? Well, now I find myself on Fakebook and it's the same thing, except this time I actually know all of my friends. They're either cool people I've met on the 'net, or people I've met through the years. Then there are some from high school. You know, I really fucking hated high school and all the posers I had to deal with then. It feels like I'm kind of dealing with it again on Fakebook. I don't like when people add me and then never say anything to me again. Especially when it's my birthday and I see them on there and I happen to comment on something they posted.

Okay, I know, this is lame. I really don't like the chick anyway. She's from the group of friends from high school, more Melanie's "cool" friends from back then, the ones she met her boyfriend though. They're some of the idiots we went camping with last summer, whose drunken uncle died in the river. I've been trying to link it, but for some reason it won't work. If you wanna read the original post about it, go back to June 2008.

So this one chick "L", who was also camping with us and from the high school "cool" group, has been hanging out with Melanie some over the past year. Melanie is everyone's friend. She is social and happy and doesn't have all the stupid hang ups I do. Anyway, "L" had added me months back, I don't know why. I guess because she knew me from high school and also from the disaster trip. So I see that they had their first BBQ of the summer at Melanie and Ivan's (her boyfriend). I commented on it and so did a bunch of other retards. So I'm feeling kind of insecure and bad that I wasn't invited to this "party" of sorts. It was at Melanie's, after all.

Why do I care? Well, something else happened on that camping trip that I'm totally ashamed of. One of the guys hit on me. I'll call him Manwhore. He was also married (not anymore) at the time. Tequila took over and next thing ya know we're walking off by ourselves, only to be followed by Melanie and broken apart. No, we didn't make out, but I know the guy wanted to. Manwhore nd his brother are Ivan's friends from way back. They were neighbors. It was their uncle who died. Their dad was also there, another alcoholic who was three sheets to the wind the whole time. I know it was partially the tequila, but I really didn't care about going off with this guy. I was mad at Ron and admit that I liked the attention. It was so stupid though. The very next day, Manwhore was flirting with another chick from another camping group. He did so right up until his panicking uncle floated by in the river...

Then there was the funeral. So these guys and their family are drinkers. I went to the funeral, along with the other people from the camping group and other dicks from high school who knew the boys, the family and their uncle. It was okay, but I'm so glad I left when I did. It turns out that shit went sour a little after midnight. Manwhore had locked himself in the bathroom with yet another chick. Melanie was with the group, yelling at him to get out. My name was brought up... Anyway, it was very awkward and stupid and I shouldn't care about that particular group of people. They're assholes. Sometimes I really don't like Melanie's taste in people. Just because she likes them doesn't mean I have to.

Oh yea, and the last thing that really pisses me off... I remember Ivan mentioning to me, in a half drunken state about two weeks after the incident, that I was the strongest swimmer in the group and probably could have saved him. What the fuck is that shit? That right there changed my opinion about the guy. I mean, you NEVER say that to someone. How RUDE.

Again and again I ask myself... WHY do I let these little, insignificant things bother me? Because I'm so insecure and wear my emotions on my sleeve. Actually, it's more like a giant neon billboard. And I'm passive aggressive. I can never tell people how much they piss me off to their faces. I never stand up for myself the right way. That and I'm constantly comparing myself to others. In my eyes, everyone is more accomplished, makes more money and just...just has more. Christ, I really need to get a grip. That's a terrible way to look at things. Okay, so I know these things about myself. I can't fix them, it's how I'm wired. I don't know if I'll ever be comfortable in my own skin...that's what's holding me back.

This was another entry written in spurts. I need to stop now and really concentrate again. It's that time of day and if I distract myself I'll never get anything done. It's my birthday but I should really do SOME work. I mean, I am being PAID and all.

Quick updates for a Friday

I hung out with the two girls Cathy(ie) last night and Cathie took this nice shot of me with her ifone. I must say I love how it turned out, hence my posting it here and on good 'ol fakebook. It was lovely to see them again, as it had been too long. We hung out just in time for my birthday, which is coming up next Tuesday. I am turning 32 and now officially thirty-something. In' 'nat sumthin'.

My couple of days in Chicago for the catalog meeting went very well. Another year, another meeting... Wow. I stayed in almost the same room, on the same floor of the hotel that I did last year and the year before. It was strange, I felt like I'd just been there and it had already been another year. I don't like that feeling. We did the same thing, made a presentation to a set of small groups of our clients on our status and our plans for the coming year. After two days of the same presentation, I was very happy we weren't going to be there for the whole week. I couldn't imagine how sick of the whole thing I'd be by Friday.

There were same representatives from each company... I tell ya, some of them reeeeally appreciate that hotel bar. It's interesting to watch your colleagues cut loose in the bar on a Tuesday night. I spent an hour or two in the bar on Monday and Tuesday night, then it was up to my room to read the stupid book I'd picked up at the airport. I had dinner with the boss on Sunday and Monday nights n' that was nice, too.

Speaking of the stupid book... I don't know why I picked out this particular one. It's a murder mystery but so predictable and boring. The main characters are typical good-looking lawyer and doctor. They've lost their 16 year old boy! Oh no! He might be involved in the death of one of the other character's 15 year old boy! Oh dear! It's only about a 5 or 600 page book and I'm usually able to finish one of that length over my trip. But I got a little held back on this one because of all the breederific comments in it. You know, 'cause I happen to be sensitive to that shit right now.

These aren't exact quotes, but I read many things along these lines...

"A depostion over the weekend when her beloved son was missing? Her boss was alone, she chose a career over having a husband and children. How could she possibly understand what it was like to go through something like this?"

"She lay in the fetal position on her son's bedroom floor, thinking of how she used to watch him sleep and marvel at his innocence."

"How could they spy on their son? It felt so wrong invading his privacy like this, but as responsible parents, it was something they had no choice but to do. The boy spent so much time on that computer and they had to explore the secrets it held or they just might lose him for good."

"Father to father. That's how they needed to discuss this."

"That was before she had children. Before she knew that she could love someone more than herself."

OH PUH-yooook me a river. Anyway, they were lying on the back cover when they said it'd be a book that I wouldn't be able to put down.

Now I'm back at the office, keeping things going with my lovely coworker until the boss comes back at the beginning of June. She put us on full time hours, at least until she returns. I hope our sales continue to be decent so we can continue to get at least a few more hours per week during the summer. That would be nice, seeing as I'm already burnt out on this job search crap. I know, I'm not going to give up completely. I'm still keeping my eyes somewhat open.

Damn it, I just realized I forgot to bring my fish painting to work so I can get a nice picture of it to post. I'm hoping to get back to painting the two little fish pictures this weekend so I can have three finished fishies to post. It's comin', it's comin'...

So life keeps on going. Tonight I'm hoping to hang out with Melanie. It's been quite some time since we've done anything together also. It's funny because I always see her dad at these conventions and meetings that I go to because he's in the same industry. He helped me get this job. As usual, we had lunch with him on one of the days in Chicago. He only stays the first couple of days as well.

I hope Ron and I make it to the beach tomorrow. We want to go have breakfast down there and then he wants to check out a bike store in the area. He's been looking for a special set of tires for the racing bike he's been trying to finish for the past few months. Yay.

Welp, it's time to pay attention to work if I want to be able to leave on time today. Bye bye blogger.

I can't believe I'm so fucking stupid

I'm ashamed of myself... I was fooled AGAIN by some company claiming to be in affiliation with AssTits n' Tits long distance. This is not the first time I've fallen for something like this while working here. It's probably the third or so...and of course I'm being generous. It's happened way too many times. As usual, I was not paying as much attention to what they were saying as I should have. They claimed to have made a billing error that had affected a large area. They said they weren't authorized to make changes to the account, that this was just a reinstatement of the old billing. At first I did what I usually do to put these people off and told them that I was not allowed to do anything and that they'd have to speak to my boss, who was out of town until the end of the month. The woman insisted that they didn't need to talk to the owner, that an employee could help them. Okay... I even looked at the bill and didn't see their name anywhere on it. That right THERE was a HUGE red flag!

This happened yesterday afternoon. As I was driving home I realized what I'd done. After a little panic I told myself that there was nothing to be done about it at the time. I'd have to wait until this morning. I tried my best to put it out of my mind for the rest of the evening. First thing this morning, I called the 800 number they'd given me and asked for the fax I was supposed to receive, verifying everything. Sure as shit, the lady didn't know about any "reinstatement". I asked her what this establishment was and she gave me the familiar name. At least that was a break... She was in on it too. That's when the adrenaline started to flood my system and I became very light-headed.

I started to panic on the phone, my voice rose that high, shaky pitch that Ron loves so much... "What?! How did they have all of my account information?! Please cancel this right away! I am not authorized to make any changes to our account! Stop it! Stop it NOW!

I think she got the message.

"Let me have the phone number they associated with your account, please. Okay, it looks like the order has not gone through yet, I do not see you in the system. Don't worry, ma'am, I will make sure that the order is cancelled."

"YES, PLEASE!", I said in my most agitated and anxiety-stricken voice.

"It's okay, ma'am, I have cancelled all action."

I can't FUCKING BEELEEEIVE I fell for this shit again! I am so disappointed in myself! WHY DO I ALWAYS REALISE THESE THINGS AFTER THE DAMAGE IS DONE?! I should have hung up on the bitch the minute she insisted I speak to a third party! ARRGHG!!! How could I be so stupid??! This is exactly what Ron is talking about. This is exactly why I keep fucking up in life.

I made sure to call AssTits & Tits as well, to explain the situation. The woman had a very soothing voice. She said we had a freeze on the account and that no changes could be made anyway. She also made sure to put the notes in the system about the issue. So next week when I return from the trip, I'm going to call both parties again to be sure that nothing has happened. I cannot let my boss know any of this, she will lose all of what little faith she has left in me.

I have to stop trusting everyone. I make myself such an easy target for these fucking sharks. They're EVERYWHERE.

Kewt lil' squueeeaks

I'm sitting at a red light this morning and I hear the darling squeaks of a little black bird. Where is he? Waayyy up, hanging his cute little head out of a hole in the post, just a squeeeeakin' away. They're so beautiful, with shiny black iridescent feathers and bright yellow eyes. Then mommy comes flying back, swoops down and hovers a bit for daddy to ZOOOM outta the hole so she can flit right in to feed the babies. I love watching birds taking care of their young, especially when the males and females take turns in feeding and protecting the teeny squeakers. Aahh...spring.

Then we have my guys at home. Everybody's so broody... They're also molting so there are constant feathers flying. *sigh* Pickles continues to feed his rope toy with copious amounts of birdy barf, while Punkin' works away at the bottom of the cage shredding little strips of newspaper. Such a cute lovebird habit. It's interesting that Punkin' does only part of the 'nesting' job. He doesn't tuck the strips in his rump feathers and fly them up to build the 'nest' in another part of the cage. No, that's a female's job. He's only got the 'helping' part down. Hehehe... Toby parrotlet is also a little grumpy and broody, with pin feathers sticking all out of his teeny head. Not to mention all the humping that's going on. Punkin' is the only one who doesn't partake in a little masturbatory pleasure...that I've seen, anyway. Pickles is very obvious as he sways back and forth on his boingy rope like a little rodeo rider. Toby just sits on his rope perch, rubbing his little bottom back and forth making a very tiny and quiet 'sqeee-squee' noise. Isn't that nice? Yes, I'm entertained by my birds masterbating. Who knew?

So I'm working on two more tiny fish paintings. I finished the first one, which turned out okay. It was a practice piece, one that I painted over an old canvas. These next two are very small, about 3" x 3". I'm going to do three altogether, I'm just not sure what the third fish is gonna be just yet. I want them to go quick, but it's so hard to sit down and do it each night. Especially now that I'm back on full time hours for the month. I've been trying to do a little each night. I hope to be done with these two by early next week so I can finally take a picture of them and post them. I also want to take them over to the fish store guys and see if they'll sell 'em for me. It's a start. I just wish I could enjoy it. DAMN this anxiety!

At least it's Thursday already. At this time next week the convention will be overwith. I'm trying to look forward to it though. At least it's in a different city. Which reminds me, I need to check what the weather's like in Chicago about now.

Later!

Being self aware in a difficult relationship...

Something I read on another site that really hits home:

"All relationships leave very important clues about who and what we are. It’s much easier to delude ourselves into thinking we are blameless when we don’t have to look closely at history. Having a relationship history staring you in the face makes bullshitting yourself a LOT harder. Make a relationship history. Try to remember all the relationships that you have been involved within. Put them in chronological order. It can be useful to literally draw a vertical line and mark it off year by year so you can have a clear visual. Write about them. What motivated you to get into the relationship? How did it begin? What were you looking for from that relationship? What did you think the relationship was going to be about? What was good about it? What was not good about it? How long did it last? How did it end? Who ended it? How did you feel about the ending of the relationship? How did you feel about yourself? In a couple of sentences finish each relationship by finding one or two (or as many as you can think of) things that you could learn about yourself from the relationship.

Take your completed relationship history and look through it very carefully. Look for patterns, themes and repeating incidents. If this seems very difficult, do the exercise with someone who knows you well and can help you explore the patterns. It can be hard to ask for help for this undertaking. When we start seeing our own role and involvement in creating the messes in our lives it can be used to beat ourselves senseless with it. Blame, guilt and shame are absolutely counter productive here. You need to be able to identify the patterns so that you are free to change them. If it is all about everyone else and what they "did to you" it means you are a victim, helpless to affect change. When you can see where you are contributing to the problems, you can make changes. Personal accountability is the most empowering tool for healing. Sometimes we bitch about all the shit in our lives to our friends and intimates. Because these people love us, they listen and commiserate and comfort. This can be the safety valve that allows dysfunction to continue. We release that pressure and pain - remove the discomfort just enough so we can re-enter the situation and continue with it. This exercise is not about that kind of support. It is about getting the honest and direct third party feed back that encourages us to look deeply at ourselves and make changes. Prettying things up and spoon feeding us more bullshit is not useful. Ask for the truth and if the other person really gives a damn about helping you move forward - they will find the courage to tell you the truth.

Think about the relationships you saw as you grew up. How did your parent’s relationship work? Other family member’s relationships? What were you told about relationship and the nature of "love"? You are going to have to be aware that many of those messages will not be verbal - they will be unspoken and so much more powerful. If you have a sibling or other family member that you are close to, this can provoke very intense sharing that can prove mutually advantageous and powerful for gaining insight. Consider the qualities in your parent’s relationships that you are trying to either avoid or emulate in your own. Notice similarities and differences. Think of how you took on or rejected different aspects of the adults you grew up around. If you think you are avoiding making the same mistakes by saying, I will never be like my mother", think again. It seems to be that kind of thinking that attracts the exact same experiences. It’s like life says, ‘so you think you got it all figured out? Try this!’ Then there you are, just as fucked as ever your mother was - it might look different - but if the patterns manifest the same results - WAKE UP!

Try some free association. Take a few minutes and get comfortable. Find a blank piece of paper or use your word processor if it’s more comfortable. Think of the word "relationship" - and free associate - what are all the things that come up into your head about what relationship is, what it isn’t, what you want and what you don’t want. Keep going for as long as you can, write ALL the thoughts that come up whether they seem relevant or not - the trick is to NOT think - just let the thoughts flow. When you are finished take a look at what you have written - use a highlighter or colored pens or markers to circle the things that seem to be links to other themes or patterns you have noticed. Are there items that make you feel good and that you want to incorporate into your relationship? Are there items in your list that make you feel uncomfortable? Do some of the things surprise you? Take some time and really examine your list - this is the extraneous dross that goes on in the back of your mind all the time - this exercise just moves your unconscious thoughts to a conscious place where you can have a look at them. You can do this as many times as you want.

Ask yourself what being in a relationship allows you to not have to face or address about yourself or your own life. Some of these things are difficult to get to. For example, did you grow up believing that being in a relationship would make it so you didn’t have to be responsible for yourself financially, emotionally or socially? Relationships can be a great way of not having to face the things we could or even should do in our own lives. We can postpone our own decisions, not strive for our own goals, and forget our own ambitions and dreams. We can avoid having to find out how we would fare in the world on our own, and that means we can avoid being responsible for our own lives and always have another person, or people, to blame for why we don’t succeed. It means we don’t have to face our own fears. Sometimes maintaining a bad or abusive relationship saves us from having to figure out how to support ourselves financially, or return to school, or to be a single parent, or to date again, or to possibly have to be alone for a long time. Sometimes even a shit relationship can feel safer than figuring out what you need to do for yourself.

Make a list of all the things that are important to you in your life. What people matter to you? Are you maintaining quality relationships with the people who matter to you? If you are not, why aren’t you? What are the things you want to do, be, achieve? Are you doing what is necessary to get to those places? If not why aren’t you? Often we put other relationships on hold and stop doing the activities that nurture and nourish. Sometimes it is because the energy to maintain an abusive or dysfunctional relationship is so high that there is no energy left over to do anything else at all. Sometimes it is because we get lazy and start to skim along the surface of our lives rather than delving into the meat and potatoes of it. Sometimes it is ignorance. We don’t take the time to figure out who we are and so we don’t notice when we aren’t being ourselves. This is an exercise that pinpoints our excuses, all the reasons we allow ourselves to opt out of the responsibility for our own lives. If you were to take each of those reasons or excuses and come up with three proactive steps to change it - you would be well on your way to a more balanced and healthful life, which includes balanced and healthful relationships.

A final exercise that is easily incorporated into a life strategy is looking at developing personal responsibility and accountability. This is not the type of responsibility that occurs from balancing your checkbook or getting to work on time, although that can be a part of it. Rather it is learning to become self aware and live authentically. Throughout the day ask yourself what you think, what you feel, what you believe. When you answer those questions, check to make sure you are acting in a way that is congruent with what you believe, think and want. Everything you say and do moves you one step closer to where you want to be and who you want to become (and let’s face it, life is very much a work in progress). If what you are doing isn’t taking you forward, it is taking you one step farther from where you want to be. No one else makes these choices for you. You are the only person in the driver’s seat of your life. Where you end up is completely dependent on what you are willing to do in between now and then."

I'd better get started on all of these lists. Shit, being healthy takes too much of an effort. Fuck it. I'll just continue making excuses for why I'm 'stuck'.

Don't you hate it when you read something and it describes all of your mistakes? It's so true, if only I'd taken more time to think about what I was getting myself into. Such a common mistake. All I can say is that I'm working on it. Things will work out one way or another.

Isn't that sweet?

As usual, your kind and thoughtful words are always appreciated. Thanks so much... I know it's okay if I don't want to become a stroller slave. The trick is getting rid of the guilt surrounding my decision. I hate guilt, it is a terrible symptom of depression. If you make people aware of your guilt weakness (ahem, boss) they will use it against you. I also have to try my best to deal with those who already have or want children. Good for them. I have the ultimate respect for those who do it right and provide a safe, healthy environment for their kids to grow up in. That is their life, their prerogative and I have nothing to do with it...until they decide to insult my decision. That's where I draw the line. Hey, you like cleaning up after kids. I like cleaning up after animals.

I always let things get to me to the point of emotional breakdown. My shields are weak, especially the one around my heart. I think that one's finally broken. The insults are always remembered while the helpful and positive reminders are always left behind. Are you guys blue in the face, yet? It's not hopeless, I promise. I'm working a new shield. Who knows when this construction project "me" will ever be finished. Most likely never...but that's okay, too.

This weekend was very nice. The visit with my mom on Saturday was so much fun. Just a fun mother and daughter day that I am going to make a point to do more regularly. I really wanted to get together with her, since I'll be missing the Mother's Day festivities next weekend due to my yearly trip to Chicago for the catalog convention for work. It's during the same week, every fucking year. We have to leave on the Sunday before, which is always Mother's Day. I'm obviously sick of it, but I gotta do what a gotta do.

I worry about my mom being around for much longer. She's doing very well for having struggled with Type 1 Diabetes for the past 35 years, but of course it has taken more of a toll on her body over time. So I have to take advantage of the fact that she is still here. I was reminded of good old mortality again on Saturday when we watched the tape (now a DVD thanks to dad) of my brother's graduation from the Navy in 1992. I was a 15 year old brace face with a sphinx haircut who couldn't put down my adorable nephew. He was only 14 months and my niece hadn't been born yet but she was in the oven at the time. The video was shot by my now-deceased uncle Bob, who passed away in 2001 from leukemia at the age of 59. There was also my maternal grandfather, who died of old age at 98 almost two years ago, and his wife Lorine (yucky wierd step-grandma he married when my real grandma died at 69 of a brain hemorrhage when I was six months old) who also died of old age at 94 in 2006. Then there was my uncle Tom, who died of lung cancer in 2000 at 60. My cousin Danny was not in the video, but he was uncle Bob's son. He died in a motorcycle accident in 1994 at only 23.

Yea... So the video was very bitter-sweet. But the graduation was a very fun memory. Going to San Diego, all of us staying two nights at a nice hotel with a pool. My uncle did a great job with the video, catching all of the perfect moments during the graduation ceremony. I'd forgotten that my brother played the bass drum and was right in front the whole time. They even did a cute drum solo. I can't believe how young my now 39 year old brother looked. I asked my dad to make me a copy of it so I can show Ron some of the people from my family he'll never have the pleasure of meeting. I also can't wait to show him what I looked like and the hours of laughter we will have over it!

The rest of Saturday was lovely. Mom and I went to see the movie 'Earth', a very obviously Disney creation, complete with good old James Earl's voice. Now there is a person who overcame his weakness to become great. Though the movie was aimed at children (of course) and had all of the usual lessons, we enjoyed the endless shots of animals and natural beauty. After the movie we had a nice dinner at a nearby 50's-sh restaurant. I was even a smiling, good girl while the waitress told us about her pregnancy, that mom naturally had to ask about. It wasn't long until we discovered that two other women who worked there were also pregnant. The three of them were about six weeks apart. Yay. I think I did a great job of pretending to be interested...for mom's sake. Our waitress was really sweet though, she did a great job, preggo or not. After dinner we stopped by a shoe store and mom bought her broke daughter a pair of cute sandals...

But mom, it's Mother's Day! Happy Mothers Day, she says to me... Hah! I'm going to be sure to send her some gorgeous flowers and a sweet card, of course. She always loves the simplest things. I think that's where I get it from. I don't need nuthin' fancy, just a little appreciation when it's deserved.

I'm being a bad girl right now, writing a lot at work again. My boss is gone to Poland this week to get the rest of her things from the few years she lived there with her husband. They're finally divorcing. Goodie. I'm just happy to have a break from her for the next month, 'cept when I meet up with her in Chicago for the convention. Things are fine between us and I'm trying my best to hold up my end of the deal until something better comes along...whenever that is. I'd better get going, I have quite a few things I want to do before I leave here today. Like, work related things. Really...

Later!

Who is selfish?

I don't know how I'll handle it if someone calls me "selfish" for not having children. It's not something that should make me angry. It's just another stupid "bingo". But here is a beautifully put argument I found:

"Choosing to have kids IS the most SELFISH thing someone can do.

Let us assume for the moment that someone who chooses to have kids is making a decision which most benefits that person, or else that person would not make that decision. And let us assume for the moment that someone who chooses not to have kids is also making a decision which most benefits that person.

The difference between these two people is that the have-children person expects others, including those who choose not to have children, to subsidize (i.e. using resources, getting tax breaks, favors and benefits in the workplace, tolerating other's children in places they have no business being in) the choice of the have-children person, while the person who chooses NOT to have children neither expects nor receives any benefits from the have-children people because of the choice he or she made.

That is the essence of the "Who is selfish?" debate. Each is making a decision which best suits himself or herself, but one expects the other to bear some of the costs of that decision, while the other does not. This is why those who have children are selfish while those who do not have children are not selfish."

Very well said. Now I need to get my "unselfish" self home because this stupid damn bug won't go away. I need to rest and be ready to go to my parents tomorrow. I'm not going to be in town on mother's day and I need to spend some quality time with mom. Who isn't one of the selfish ones, by the way. Heh.

Mind, body and soul

I'm not doing too well these days. Not only am I sick, I'm also depressed. Again. Went to the therapist a few days ago and he suggested I change meds again. I don't wanna. I don't wanna be on the damn things. But I have to if I'm going to feel better. I can't go on using depression as an excuse not to go anywhere...wherever that is. It'll get better. Things will be fine. I can be happy.

New things

It's always nice be spoiled a little when you're feeling down. Over the weekend, Ronnie darling got me a new cell phone. It's one of those blackberry-like flip phones, with an actual keyboard. Now I can join the masses in ignoring the world and texting to my heart's content. Watch out, friends! Here come the pointless texts about the color of my poop!

Just kidding.


I have to keep it under control. I don't want to become addicted... Though I think it's already too late. DAMN EVIL CELL PHONES! My brain is going to rot. Some more.


Yes, Saturday was a good day. We also got Ron's Sirius satellite radio installed while we had some margaritas and guac at the nearby El Torito. The radio wasn't quite finished when we were done with lunch, so we headed over to the OL' Nave (I'm dropping too many names in this one...) and got me some capris. Three pairs of those and some cute t-shirts. We also stopped by the pet store to get the birds small play gym to move around the house. Then we got a new dish rack at BBAB. Hehe... Beebab. The old dish rack was all rusty and nasty in places. I can't believe how long I had it...I think 7 or 8 years. Utterly rediculous. Oh yes, and Ron got a few video games. So we covered all our bases and it felt good.

Sunday was more fun and errands... Ron gave one of the 17 bikes (of course I exaggerate...there were only 5) in our livingroom to a work friend for his kid, so we drove that to the guy's house. Then we had to return the dish rack because it was missing the silverware caddy. Once we got home I sat down to paint a little. I still haven't gotten the paints, new brushes and canvases I ordered last week so I grabbed a small old painting from college and painted over that. It's interesting to pick up a brush after it's been a few years. Heh...I need a little practice. But Mr. Fishy is turning out good. I'm gonna try to finish him this week. I'm so painfully slow...

That's about it for now. Other than I have a damn sore throat that won't go away. One side of my throat is all pully and painful. It's been doing this for a few days. I also have a headache in my eyes on and off. I haven't been sick in ages. I wonder if it has to do with the severe change in weather we had last week. On Monday and Tuesday it got up to 100, Wednesday dropped to 75 and by Friday it was in the mid sixties! Gotta love California... Anyway, I hope it goes away without turning into something dreadful.

Later...

The Slap Chop

Have you seen this commercial?!  "You're gonna LOVE my nuts!"

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Rock n' Roll HIDEOUS and Happy Anniversary to us!

We rented "Rock n' Roll High School" for the hell of it this past weekend. I'm sorry to those who like the Ramones but I cannot stand them. I think all of their songs sound the damn same. Then I finally got around to seeing this movie and GAWD ALMIGHTY is this guy HID-EE-OUS. Not only does he have this nasty face, his body is just WEIRD. He's all gangly and skinny but somehow he's got woman hips! Rent the movie, check out his woman hips and nasty patch in his jeans that looks like he pissed his pants. EEWWW! I guess rock stardom really does blind the women.

(Edit: Yes, Prolifique, that was one of the lamest movies I have ever seen.  I got distracted around the middle of it and started doing other things.  What a pile of shit.)

Speaking of rock stars, my lovely Mike Patton has finally decided to get the old Faith No More back together for a reunion tour in FUCKING EUROPE. Thanks, asshole! You'd better come to the US! Oh, but we're all a bunch of neanderthals here and he supposedly *hates* LA. Can't say I blame him. But his favorite place in the US in San Franscisco... I guess it's the artsy fartsy up north thing. I don't know. I just feel so...so slighted. Anus head. I'm mad at you, Mike! Humph!

So I'm trying to get all geared up to actually create some finished artwork. As in finished and matted. Gotta do a physical portfolio before I can do a digital one. I visited my artist friend Vicky on Sunday, the colorist who worked with me on that stupid children's book that went to hell. Hey, at least not all is lost, I made a great new friend out of it! She is such an awesome and talented artist. I can learn so much from her! I already did, by taking notes of all the supplies I will need to start bringing the countless sketches I have to LIFE. I'm going to start experimenting with water colors and black ink. I've been putting off this dreaded portfolio since high school. It's one of those 'big assignments' that scares me. All I have to do is START. It will happen.

Today is our 2nd wedding anniversary. It was a tough year, but by golly we dun made it! We celebrated with a wonderful prime rib dinner at Lawry's restaurant on Sunday. A beautifully, elegant place with beyond fabulous food. The evening would have been perfect, except for the fucking sqealing baby at the next table. NO where is sacred, not even a fancy restaurant. Why can't people hire a damn babysitter anymore?!

Anyway, rough times are expected in any marriage. It's getting through them that's the most important thing. I sure do love muh Ronnie-hole.

Underneath a pile of pointless thoughts

Ha! I forgot to post this the other day...from a late Easter greeting I received on Monday.

My mind is flooded with trash and I keep adding to the pile. I don't want to dump the trash, it's comforting. But I'm not accomplishing anything buy constantly worrying about the future and letting all these little things that make me angry crowd my mind! On one hand I know it's wrong and slowly driving me insane. On the other, I don't want to stop!

In trying to keep things simple so that I don't stress so much, I've made my life so boring. There are opportunities everywhere...passing me by because I'm too busy staring at all the uglyness that surrounds me. I continue to compare myself to others. It's so unhealthy to dwell on that crap but I can't seem to make myself stop. I keep concentrating on the bad and forgetting about the good. I can't be happy with who I am and it's making me sink into another depression. Wait...I think I'm already there.

Man, I waste so much time... I spend way too much time on the internet. It makes everything seem so huge and insurmountable to me, yet I'm so drawn to and fascinated by it. All the competition, all the people trying to sell themselves. I'm not good at it. I'm just another boring schmo. See? Negative thoughts again. Around and around and around. It doesn't have to be that way.

Like I say everytime I have this psychobabble with conversation with myself, all I have to do is take it one small step at a time. Think happy thoughts. Life is NOT pointless. There ARE good people out there who care. A big thank you to everyone who cares.

Nothing but shoulds

I got nothin'. My brain is soup. Inspiration, Motivation, Willpower... They elude me. I feel so worthless and shitty again. Where should I go from here? Does anyone have any suggestions? Any offers? Anything interesting? Do I have to keep plugging along? All I feel like doing is laying on the grass and staring at the sky all day long. Where is my spirit? Where is my faith? Where is my individuality? Where is my balance?

I should stay away from that place.
I should stop drinking so much.
I should stop eating so much junk.
I should stop smoking so much.
I should stop bitching and complaining.
I should stop hating myself.

I should be working.
I should be happy.
I should be thankful.
I should be moving on.
I should be learning.
I should be drawing.
I should be painting.
I should be volunteering.
I should be reading.
I should be accomplishing something.

Should, should, should. It's all so pointless. Why do I worry so much about what I should be doing? Meanwhile I continue to sit stagnant. My mental health is suffering. Who really gives a shit? Gotta keep trying, can't give up. I hate being a fucked up, emotional mess.

I was just getting my feet wet...

So the the job opportunity didn't work out. We had a great interview, I felt very comfortable and it went on for about 45 minutes. The woman who conducted it was very nice and even had a sense of humor. But I realized afterward that I'd made a few little typical mistakes. The feedback from the agency was just what I thought it would be... I was very nice and smart, but not quite the right fit. Overall I feel it was a good start, as I haven't actually interviewed in over five years. I'm glad I had the experience because it gave me the little boost in confidence that I needed. I even signed up at a second agency on Friday. They actually called me to come in, as I'd applied to one of their jobs online. Let's hope that having two agencies working will get me at least one temp gig this week. I can always hope...

In other news, Ron and I finally had our visit with therapist as a couple on Saturday. It went perfectly. Now I'm confident in this guy's ability. Ron was very enthusiastic and talked freely about the issues we'd been having. The therapist, M, asked some very helpful questions and gave helpful suggestions. In other words, he did his job. It's always nice when they do what you pay for, in' it? Once again, validation and general help is nice...too bad it's gotta be for a price. Yea, you know it's right when it rhymes. Hehe. At the end we got the option to go as a couple or for me to continue with the one on one. I told Ron that I wanted to continue on my own, with the option of him coming in only when it is imperative. That should work out fine for now.

Oh yes... I had a checkup on my little "device" on Friday. Seems it's "settled in" nicely into the exact right spot. I got to see an ultrasound of my insides for the first time. It was so fun to see my junk on t.v. I have a normal uterus that I'm trying to disable. Lovely...

That's about all for now. I must get back to work and make the most of my three days at the office.

Later!

I can DO this!

Wish me luck, I have a job interview tomorrow morning. Do you think writing about it here will jinx me? I should quit being so superstitious and believe in myself. I'm trying to replace the fear with confidence. Heh. How am I doing so far? Pfft...

I've been checking out the website and doing my interview homework. This place really looks like a good fit for me. Seriously though...almost ANYTHING is a good fit at this point. I knew my time at this place was finite and I've dragged it out way too long. I'm losing myself here. Day in and day out, the same bullshit. My fucking brain is melting! I cannot sit idly by anymore. I'm going to drive out to the place tonight. I don't care about getting stuck in traffic, I have to know where I'm going tomorrow. I don't need that extra stress. Then when I get home tonight I'll take a hot bath and go to bed. That's what I'ma gon' do. I'm gon' make this shit happen!

Man, the past few months... If it hasn't been my marriage, it's my job. Intense emotions back and forth between the two. I must change something before I go insane. When all is said and done it's about priorities. Gotta concentrate on my job situation, as it will determine my future. No shit, huh. I'm so...perceptive. Anyway, I can't leave a troubled marriage (which it isn't bad right now, really) if I don't have any fucking income. I need my independence. I also have dreams... I want my fucking jungle room, man! In like, a HOUSE and shit. Just a little house...

No big deal if this one doesn't work out. I just need to have the strength and perseverance to KEEP TRYING. Don't be afraid to shine. Okay, it's time to stop because I'm beginning to sound oh so horribly cliche.

Oh yea, I've got a couple pics from Satuday night to share. It was the two girls Cath(iey), me, Ron and a shitload of Cathie's friends and family. It was an actual movie-party. Remember that scene from Weird Science where he's introducing Lisa to his obviously shock stricken parents? They're like, "Where are you two going this evening?" and they simultaneously answer with, "We're going to a ______." and he says "movie" and she says "pah-ty". And he's all, "It's a...a movieparty..." Yea. Hehe. My favorite line from that movie is still the part where Robert Downey is trying to order a drink all cool-like from the coo brutha bartender. I love the answer he gets, "I tell you what, you ben' ovuh, I shove it straight up yo' ASSSsss." And he's answers all nervous, "On the rocks is fine..." HAHAHA! Haha. Hah. My family, friends and Ron are so tired of that one. I do it alla time.

Anyway, that's what we did on Saturday night. Went to see Darkman, Cathie's favorite movie. It is silly, fun movie CHEEZ. She's a total movie lover and frequents the theater for her favorite, Midnight movies! She's such a little night owl still. I had to take a nap in order to make it 'til 3 am. How pathetic is that? Okay, I'm rambling. Here are the pics. I gotta get some shit done.


Me, Ron and Cathy.


Me and the birthday girl, Cathie.

Awww...

M'kay, later...

She cancelled! Yaaay!

She's sick, the poor dear. She's been kinda under the weather all week and the symptoms got worse as the evening came. It used to happen to me... Come to think of it, I haven't had a true cold in a long time. I think it's been a few years at least. I never get sick... *knock on wood* I think it's the regular exercise. It may not be intense, but it is routine and that's probably doing wonders for my immune system. Yea. So I'm thrilled that I don't have to flake outta exercise tonight! Woo! Now I can drink wine, eat a yummy Gnocchi dinner and follow it with some cHoCoLaTe. Mmmmmm...fanny-head got me some yummies. Thank you, fanny-head.

I'm reading a new diary again. Haven't taken the time to get into one in a while. It makes me feel so much better to know that there are people out there who suffer with the same things I do. Relating to others is a good way to figure out your own shit. What was I just writing about? My fears? Check out this little blurb from my newest read, Bunny Suit:

"I was all set to give my two weeks notice today. I need to just quit, to start working temp jobs and look for a new job online in the other town. But I am so afraid. I think I am trying to get fired by default, so that I don't have to make the decision to leave. My entire family is passive/agressive, so I guess that is the only way that I know to deal w/things.

You know what really sucks? Being crazy and self-actualized at the same time. There is nothing worse than knowing that you're insane, knowing that your lunacy is showing like a hint of white slip sticking out of a virgin's summer dress. Everyone kinda tries not to look, but they really want to, it is their nature. And no matter how the innocent tugs at that dress, trying to cover it, the SLIP STILL SHOWS."

This is EXACTLY how I feel. We anxious depressies have so much in common. Anxiety leads to depression. It's a vicious cycle. And it is genetic. It doesn't manifest itself until later in life...usually AFTER you've bred like you're 'supposed' to. I would hate to inflict this torture on another person. I would hate to watch that person suffer.

As I sit here typing, Pickles and Punkin' have flown over to do their little birdie burbles in my ear. Stanley man has finally decided to curl up on the pillow next to me, instead of trying to lay down on the laptop. I'm so thankful for my pets. They have helped me through some terrible times. A blessed distraction. Oooh, I have a poop distraction to take care of. Time to put on my poop shirt.

The ugly side of me

That last post sure showed it, huh. I'm just working out these issues, I'll get over it. I'm very angry and defensive right now because I've made a choice that isn't common. But I don't have to be angry about it, that's the thing. I'm making it negative when it is really positive...for me. It's the right choice for me. No biggie. I don't have to give in to the urge to yell it from the mountains. I can simply take my path and shut the hell up. Well, I don't have to shut up all the way. It's okay to vent a little of the frustration out.

Work is sucking the juicy ass cheese right now. I don't wanna be there. The dynamic I've created between my boss and I is so unhealthy. She is nice in her own way, but I can't stand her personality anymore. One minute I'm cursing her in the closet and the next I'm kissing her little brown feet. I don't want to hurt her, I just wanna move on now. Why did I have to choose such a horrible time to finally get going and start looking for another job? Whine whine whine. Everyone is going through this right now. I feel so worthless...I know what I have to do and I'm letting fear take over like always! Just believe that it will all work out and it will. Believe in myself and my abilities. This has become a chant...

Don't feel scared
Don't feel crappy
Believe in yourself
And you'll be happy

Yes. That's it.

Melanie's coming over and we were gonna take a walk. I really don't feel like it. I've gone for walks all week. I actually went for a jog or walk Monday through Thursday. I don' WANNA go. But I always do this flaking on the walk thing with her. We don't do exercise together well. We always end up drinking some wine, making dinner, smokin' cigs and talking. We'll see what happens...maybe I should pretend to be asleep when she gets here. Right. I'm such a fluff. I'ma go feed the lil' kiddy katz some whett fooood!

What day is this?

Ahh...  So much to do, so little desire to do anything.  I'm at home today, no temp jobs for me yesterday either.  Although I did get a call about a potential position.  Not gonna talk about it or get my panties in a knot over it, just gonna let things happen.  

This is about the time depression seeps in.  Yesterday I combatted it by going for a long jog and going to a friend's house.  Today doesn't feel so...uhm...productive.  I did get up and make Ron a nice breakfast.  It's been nice seeing each other awake during the week for a change.  Now he's at work and I have nothing but time to do all sorts of things like vacuuming (my favorite!), cleaning out the bedroom closet, going for another long jog/walk (I might bring myself to a little later) and of course, drawing!  Yes, I was feeling so very inspired after my therapist appointment last week.  Where the hell did it go?  I don't even have the urge to doodle.  But here I am, typing away in a pointless blog.  Wait.  This isn't pointless.  Is it?  No...no...  At least I'm doing SOMEthing.

And now for a hilarious, distasteful poem about my favorite subject...

Bulging stomach, stretchy skins
Babies born with dorsal fins
Drunk teens, anal tears
Pregnant women falling down stairs
Your mom is drunk and loose!
Eat my pill or eat my gat
Ill slap you with my golden strap
Filthy sex drunken stupor
should have jazzed in her pooper
Pregnancy is an STD!
Drinkin' Gin and blackin' out
suckin' clit that tastes like trout
Ludes and Acid Triamenic,
rides to the abortion clinic
You were an accident!
I got a cure for this disease,
Say 'kick me in the stomach please'
All you want now is my cash!
Because I slipped a load in your monster gash!
Pregnancy is an STD!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!  Yea.  I know...I have issues.  Heh.