Not so blue

Happy day...it's a Monday and I don't feel like complete and total depressed shit. That's because I was somewhat of a good girl. Somewhat. I still had a few beers and such, but I didn't overdo it at all. It's so nice to wake up ready to face the day. I wish it could be like this every day, especially every Monday.

It was a nice, regular, run 'o the mill weekend. Friday night I helped Melanie a little with the cleaning of her old place. Seems like the poor girl has been in the middle of moving forever. SO MUCH STUFF. Man oh man. Now they're just finishing up with the cleaning...putting down new ceramic floor tiles, painting and carpet cleaning. I washed the windows, a few cabinets and some doors before I petered out... There wasn't too much left to do though, good 'ol Ivan got so much done during the week. I hope this was the last weekend they had to deal with that place... I think Melanie's gonna put it on the market this week.

Saturday was spent running errands. After reading some of that aquarium book Ron gave me, I decided that I wasn't paying enough attention to the water quality in my tank. So one of the errands was to head to the fish store and get the proper filter media to make the fishies happy. I also got some aquarium salt...it's s'posed to be good for their overall well being (protects against disease and stress) and gill function. And since we were in the valley we also stopped by the bird store to get the birdies some fruit/veggie salad. It sucks that the quality pet stores that I trust have to be so damn far away from home.

The Shabu Shabu place happens to be in the valley, too, so I was finally able to get Ron over there to try it after our errands on Saturday. He LOVED it! I'm so very glad 'cause this means we'll get to go there a little more often! I hope... We had a great time. Oh yes, and before dinner we went CD shopping. Once again it had been too long since I'd gotten some new music. I got five, plus Ron picked out a Mr. Bungle CD that he said I just HAD to have... Of course I LOVE it. It's hilarious! There's one song in which he sings about food. I've never heard anyone rap so fast! "Squeeze me macaroni...slide your face in my balogna..." HAHA! Ron would sing that sometimes and I had no idea what he was talking about!

Uh-oh, my boss is back and I'm supposed to be helping him get ready for the show this week. I'd better get crackin'. Later!

DUH

You know what I just realized? In my long, emotional, exploratory post yesterday I mentioned that MONDAY came crashing down. I meant Tuesday. Yes, TUESDAY because it was the day after a long weekend. DUUUHH. I need a brain flush.

Sick farts

OH fanTABulous! It's Friday again. Welcome to another weekend. A weekend wherein I will NOT get wasted beyond all wastedness. I was good all week so I am going to allow myself a bit of fun. Just a bit. Really. NO REALLY. JUST A LITTLE. Have a few beers and relax. But not make it the center of my attention like I did last weekend. I don't want to have a shitty beginning to my week again. Come Monday, I will NOT wake up depressed and worried. I will wake up refreshed and happy to greet the new day. OH...who the fuck am I kidding?! I probably won't be refreshed or happy to go to work... But this attitude, this bitterness has GOT to STOP. I don't have to be a fucking ray of sunshine, but I do have to try harder to keep my stupid emotions at bay and deal with life a little better.

*End of self therapy session*

SO. I finally finally FINALLY joined the rest of the world and got a new cell phone yesterday. My old phone was almost SIX years old! It still worked fine, looked fine...no one could really tell it was ancient until they saw that old green screen. It was kinda sentimental to me and I liked the fact that it was different than everyone else's newfangled gadgets. However, the battery was getting old. I couldn't use it too much or it would be juiced pretty quickly. And nothing is more ear-shattering than the beep that thing makes when it completely loses battery power. You're in the middle of a conversation...little warning beep...little warning beep...you're trying to end the coversation before it BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPP!!!! *gah* Ron mentioned yesterday that his plan contract was finally up and he would finally be able to get a new phone. He wanted to get a plan together and I told him I'd check out what was available with my service first, since I've always liked it and have never had a problem. I headed on over there after work and found out that since it had been so damn long since I'd changed a thing on my plan, I was eligible for lots of perks, discounts and TWO phones! SOOOoooooo...we now have two lovely new phones and a plan together. We can talk to each other for free! All day long! Yay! And I can take pictures of my ass and send them to him! Holy shit! The features this thing has...the sounds... Welcome to 2006. And it's almost over. Hah!

Ron sweetie poopsie thoughtful man brought home an AWESOME aquarium book for me last night. The fish geeks dream book. It's got everything you wanna know about keeping fresh and saltwater fish, fish names, natural habitats... Guess what I'm gonna be reading all weekend?! I know a lot about the hobby, but there's always more to learn. I happened to flip to a page as I was scanning it and found a fish that I just started keeping and don't know much about. The orange chromide cichlid. Here's a pic of one of mine...



Can you see 'im? He's the lil' fishie to the right. Yea. Apparently, they like brackish water. Little salt in their mix. Putting a little salt in a freshwater aquarium is actually good for the fish anyway. I'm going grocery shopping today (been puttin' that shit off for three weeks now) and I'm onna pick me up some uniodized salt. In't that sumpin'?

Ooooh...that Taco Smell I had yesterday is not agreeing with me. I still haven't eaten anything since yesterday afternoon. I've been feeling all bloated and icky since then. I just farted and made myself sick. Good Lord, what the hell is IN that shit? I don't want to know. That's why I don't eat fast food very often. Yuck. I need to go evacuate. Yea...I'd better go 'cause the poop talk is starting.

Stone cold

Ah, good morning and welcome to day three of stone cold sobriety. Yes, I'm trying again. Last Thursday, after having a talk with Ron, we had decided that we need to cut back on the drinking. Then Friday rolled around. The Friday before a long weekend Friday. BIG Friday. Melanie called while I was on my way home from work and invited us over for a hang out session that night. Mike, Bam and another couple we didn't know were gonna be there. We headed over around eight and thus began the party. The party that did not end until Monday night. Like I said the other day, it was a great weekend... A great weekend riddled with substances of the inebriatin' kyynd.

Then MONday came crashing down, like it always does. Monday and reality. Reality sucks the salt offa chimps balls. I know I don't have a big problem, but a developing one. I've been enjoying drinking a little too much, especially since I've gotten with Ron. We've discussed this several times. He knows he has a problem, too. A functioning alcoholic is what he calls himself. He told me this in the beginning... He doesn't drink hard liquor from morning 'til night, but he still drinks a helluva lotta beer.

So...Monday. I was depressed and emotional as hell again. At one point my brother Steve popped up on the IM to tell me about his new job possiblity. He might be moving to Virginia. Fuck. But that's another story. I made the mistake of complaining to him about my mood, the drinking too much, Rons shitty schedule... Next thing ya know he's asking if he can be truthful. UH-OHhhh. Ya see, my brother has known Ron for a long time, since Ron is best friends with our cousin Mark. Our cousin Mark who also has his own set of alcohol and drug problems. He basically told me that he wants me to be sure of what I'm getting into. That Ron is a good guy, but he's got a sordid past. That he's worried because our relationship seems to be moving very fast. That his gut is telling him no. He said that I deserve someone who has their shit more together because I'm still working on getting MY shit together. This made me burst into tears. He told me not to panic and to just think good and hard about what I'm doing. That I'm a smart person and he's concerned for me. He said that so long as I'm happy, it's fine, but that I should really think about my future.

Of course this has made me worried sick. Ron is a wonderful man and I really DO want to marry him. I see how smart he is and how he is trying to clean up his act now that he has found someone that he loves and wants to build a life with. But he is still human. He still has habits that his rough life has given him. He didn't have a healty family life at all. He didn't EVER have the support he needed. He got disappointed A LOT by people he trusted. He couldn't depend on anyone but himself. We HAVE talked about these things, like I've mentioned before... He tells me that I have nothing to worry about, that he has the right plan and he knows what he needs to do. That it won't always be this way. I see him making steps and I love the fact that I've been able to help him so much. He HAS gotten quite far since we first got together. But now I'm just worried sick about the future. I want him to talk to someone. I don't want to be his therapist. I want to go with him to talk to a counselor before we get married. He's been somewhat receptive to counseling...but then he'll go backwards and say that he doesn't need anyone to tell him what to do, that he KNOWS what he needs to do. Typical stubborn man. I feel compelled to help him, even though my brother says that it's not my job. He is worth it to me. He is a good man.

So I've started with myself... I have to lead by example. If I can be sober, so can he. We can do this together. We CAN get our shit together. Hell, we ARE getting our shit together. I'm gong to work on myself, work on being STRONG for him. I'm not going to have so many breakdowns in front of him. I'm not going to keep nagging him about his drinking. I'm going to find the right time to bring up the counseling again...the key is not to nag or get all huffy like I always do because that just makes him not want to do it. I love him and he is worth it to me. That's all that matters.

Grubba grubba blahblah

Just a quick update today. I'm busy at work. Great weekend. Grrrreeaaaat weeeeeeeeekennnddd. We had parties, we had BBQs, we met new people and we even made it to the beach for a bike ride. We didn't go out of town like we'd planned weeks ago. Well, didn't really "plan"...we're terrible at that. I don't know if we'll be able to afford the little weekend trip we wanna take sometime soon. We can try though. There's still a little hope. We had lots of fun this weekend though. Another scorcher, that was the only bad part. I'm ready for the heat to go away now. I want fall...I LOVE fall weather. Most of all I want to cuddle again.

I was on an emotional rollercoaster this morning due to PMS, too much drinking over the weekend and a change in schedules...Ron goes back to nights this week. I gotta learn to handle that better. I'm tired of telling myself that, along with telling myself a lot of things. Nothing is easy...I've said it a million times. I'm trying not to think about all the little things that bother me and it's working to get me through the rest of this day. I'm on that tip of emotional hell where just ONE little thing can set me off on a crying spree. Gettin' a grip now. For now.

And a moment of silence for Steven Irwin...

The news of his death hit me pretty hard. That guy could be so annoying, but what a beautiful soul. You could tell he really cared, he did so much for animals. Rest in peace, mate.

*sigh*

Okay, gotta go get packing done. Later.

DUH-rooooo-EL

The obsession continues...



*swoon*

And Ron is feeding it! He gave me an awesome Fantomas t-shirt last night. I love it love it LOVE it! And I love Ron. Yes EYE doooooh! My poopie man. Poospie-poh-poh.

YAYez...

I am weirdin' out this marnin', case ya couldn't tell. It's the coffee. Too much shooogar in duh kahffee. Mmm-hmmm. And it's FRY DAY. Before a LONG WEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekend! Weeweeweeweeeeeeeeekend! Whutter we gon' do? Play it by the 'ol ear like we always do. But we're gonna do it outside by the beach because it's s'posed to be a hottie.

This is a short entry. I must go work. I must go do something before I become a useless blob 'o pippernickel. Don't ask...

Friends and Inspiration

What a fabulous and inspiring evening I had with my friend last night. She was in town this week from France, where she had been all summer doing an internship. Tomorrow morning she leaves for up north to go back to school. This is how it usually is with her, I'll see her about two to three times a year and that's it. She is one of those valuable friends... One of those friends that you can be apart from for months or even years at a time, only to get together and have it be just like old times. We met in our sophmore year of highschool during swim team. We had our rough patches here and there, but over the years have formed a strong bond. I can talk to her about anything and know that she will never judge me. Not only does she listen, she gives sound advice. I am so glad that we have kept up with each other. Last night as we caught up on things and shared ideas, I realized how much our friendship has grown. She is truely a lifetime friend and I am so lucky to have her.

I didn't realize how much I'd missed her until we started talking. I love to get her take on things because she has always been such a strong person. She made me think of my problems in a different perspective and I now have some inspiration to make some needed changes. I've been stuck in this rut and she made me realize that I really don't have to be. There are so many little things I can do that aren't overwhelming. Just put one foot in front of the other.

My art is something that I really need to persue. It doesn't matter how long it takes, little by little I can get myself out there. I just have to believe in myself. Don't think of it as a chore or as work. Do little projects here and there that make me happy. Enjoy the process, don't let it make you nervous. Put together a portfolio, something I've been afriad of for so long. There are so many creative jobs out there for a freelance illustrator. That's what I want to be. I don't have to be someone's drone or work for a big company. I just need someone to be my mentor and my manager. Someone to help me organize my thoughts and the business end of it. Most of my problem lies in the fact that I really need to poked and prodded to get things done. It's always the same, get the ball rolling!! It's a very common thing, I know...

Well, the ball is sorta rolling right now... I just gotta find a hill. I'm proud of myself because on Tuesday I started a painting project. My landlord asked me to paint clouds on his blue bathroom wall. I didn't feel like going after work, didn't feel like getting my shit together... Then I finally DID and it was so much fun! I'm not done yet, but I took pictures of my progress and will post them later.

I also finally brought in that cartoon cell I painted...



HAHA! It's a little messy, as I rushed it a bit...but it was so much fun! That's Tady (Tay-dee) Peabird lookin' at a squirrel. The tree, rock and grass are on one cell and the squirrel and Tady on another. I'm gonna do another character on another cell in that same scene pretty soon, too. But before I do that I have another project. I want to paint a fairy for Zen. I drew this at work one day last year. Then I brought it home, colored it with some sparkly pens and sealed it with clear tape. I don't know what happened to the pens, damnit, they were cool...




But I was thinking that Zen would really like this... And it would be so much fun to paint with acrylics. What do ya think? Zen?

I feel good today and I know how I'm gonna keep this up. I'm gonna try my damndest to stop drinking and smoking so much. I know those things are not helping with my mood swings and depression at all. They aren't helping Ron, either. It's time for me to lead by example. We can do this together. It'll be hard but I'm up for the challenge. I NEED the challenge. Life doesn't HAVE to be so boring.

Halloween is coming...

Hide your dog!!!

Fish samiches

It was another nice, long weekend. The hilight was my ocean fishing trip today with my dad, brother and nephew. It was the first time I've been fishing on a boat in the ocean since I could remember. Besides having lots 'o fun, I learned one important lesson...take your seasick meds THE NIGHT BEFORE...and be sure to eat at least a little something before getting on the boat. I took a pill an hour before we left and ended up getting kinda seasick. The water was very choppy today and I was kinda squeamish the whole time. It wasn't enough to ruin the trip though and I didn't let it. After fiddling with live bait (shoving a hook through a live macrels nose) and squid bits and casting my line a few times, I wasn't doin' too well stomach wise. So I took a break and got some dry bread from the crew guy. I then stood there holding on to the side, thinking happy thoughts and looking at the horizon. That helped until the pill finally kicked in. There were about 15 people on the boat altogether and quite a few of them fed the fish over the side. I did not, thankfully! I even managed to sorta kinda catch a fish. What I mean by "sorta kinda" is that one of the crew guys just handed me a pole with a fish already hooked on it and had me reel it in! He was like, "You need to catch something." Uh...okay! I managed to pull it most of the way up and then he grabbed it and cut it off the line. It was a Bonita, a fish closely related to the tuna. Tastes pretty much like tuna also. Unfortunately, I didn't get a pic of it...but I DID get a few good ones of my lovely day...


We docked the boat and left by 6 a.m. Had to get up at 4. I was surprisingly chipper, despite this... My brother Steve was not. Heh...he's a real bear in duh moh-nin'.


There were so many cute lil' 'ol water fowl following us around all day. Lots and lotsa pelicans. I just loooooooove pelicans!


Ahhhh... Such a gorgeous day!


My 15 year old nephew, Andy, caught a whole lotta lil' throwbacks like this one.


But he kept going back for more and more! Inspired me to get back to it once I was feeling better...


Muh bro pulled in one of the larger catches of the day, a sheep head. He threw it back though. Said he didn't wanna keep anything unless it was ridiculously huge!


Yep, there's another throw back! Good job, Andy... This time, try not to gouge out an eyeball. Teenage boys...*sigh*

It was a great day and I'm so glad I went. So glad, in fact, that I'ma gon' do it again! I really do enjoy fishing, though it's not for those with a weak stomach...hell no! Rocking boats, fish guts, STINKING bait, people puking over the side... All in a successful day!

Oh yes, and I also managed to get a picture of myself wearing Zens beautiful creation!


LOOK! I'm wearing it and you can barely see it!


So I took a close up...

I've already gotten TONS of compliments on it, just like a thought I would! It's so beautiful and original! Not to mention very special 'cause it's modeled after my lovely lil' Toby birds colors.

And I forgot to mention the adorable little basket it came in...




Isn't that ADORABLE! I was thrilled to get this little addition! I love collecting little boxes and stuff so this'll fit right in! Rosie likes, it too...that's her cage behind it in case ya couldn't tell...hehe...

Okay, well it's time to relax. I took a nap earlier but I think I'm still gonna hit it early tonight. Gotta get to work on time tomorrow! Later!

Flying out the door

It's Friday again and as usual I cannot concentrate on work because I want to start the weekend already. The rest of this week has gone fine. Keepin' it real on the homestead. I am adjusting my attitude again and feeling better. For now. You know, the usual crap.

I checked out this girls old Diaryland entries last night. She was one of the first online diaries I came across last year and it made me want to start my own. I forgot how hilarious some of her entries are. I love her sarcastic sense of humor and her silly artwork. Check out a couple of my favorite entries...

mrs. dee and the den of sin

dangerous panties


Heh...

So what's on the plate for this weekend? Not much. Gotta grocery shop at some point. I've got Mother Hubbard cabinets. I hope to go on a bike ride, too. It'd be nice to head down to the beach for a ride. We haven't done that yet this year.

Tonight I'm going to a jewelry party with Melanie. One of her coworkers is hosting it. Sorta like a tupperware party, but they've got all sorts of cool jewelry, handbags and other knick-knacks. And food...lots of yummy food. I don't need any more jewelry really, so I probably won't get any unless I see something REALLY cool. I just got my gorgeous fairy necklace so I'm not too interested in getting much else. I am, however, in need of a new handbag. I've been carrying around the same, crusty 'ol bags for years. I'm not much into accessorizing, but it's fun to get something new every decade or so. I still use a couple of purses that my MOM gave me years ago! They're not trendy (I hate trendy shit) and they're nice and plain so it doesn't matter to me. They're just getting old and need to be retired. I hope I find something. There wasn't much in terms of plain, simple but slightly cool handbags at the party we went to last November.

Egads...it's only 10:20 a.m. I want to leave. Ugh...I took my vitamin this morning and it's stuck in my throat. I didn't drink enough water with it. I keep burping that nasty vitamin taste. EWWwww. Even trying to push it down with coffee hasn't helped.

I'd better go make myself useful so that this day passes. I'm off to see the wizard!

The trick is to keep breathing...

I'm getting overwhelmed again. My back feels like one big knot. I've been doing a lot of what I refer to as "snowballing" lately. One disturbing thought leads to another disturbing thought that leads to another and another and and and then I'm crying. I'm trying to combat this bubbling inner stress and bitterness by doing good things like exercising, getting rest (I've been going to bed between 9:30 and ten), not eating too much junk, doing things I enjoy like setting up the new fish tank and drawing, thinking happy thoughts about Mike Patton... These things work for a little bit...but before long I'm turning to smoking and alcohol. I can honestly say that I have a developing substance abuse problem. So does Ron... We are both able to keep it somewhat at bay and function, but just like thousands of other people, we can't always do that.

I love Ron very much. I want to always be there for him. I can't help but be scared for our future. I admit it, I want someone to take care of me. I'm afraid that we both have the same negative outlook, depression, anxiety. That's not good for us or our relationship. I'm scared yes, but I have faith that we can fight this battle together. I have to have faith in Ron because I'm afraid that I don't have anything else. This world is a rotten place and I'm lost in it.

I know when the frustration and stress gets bad because I have these recurring dreams...sometimes in the same night. It's pretty damn bad right now because I've had these two dreams in the same night, twice in a row now. Last night and Sunday night.

The theme of one recurring dream is that I have to go back school, either elementary (I hated my elementary school years and I think they are the root of my depression and anxiety) or highschool. It's usually elementary. I find myself searching the entire school premises for something...I don't know what. I have this horrible depressed feeling in my chest as I walk through the empty halls, up the stairs, looking into empty classrooms. I sit in the tiny, pink, smelly bathroom that I used to cry in. I case the school yard. Sometimes the yard is filled with water, like a lake. The shore is right next to the benches where I used to sit with my asshole classmates. Sometimes I go swimming out to the far gate... I always have the feeling of wanting to get the hell out of there and go to back to work, but I am being forced to be there and I have no choice. I have to do my awful schoolwork. The highschool dreams are frustrating because the school is so crowded and I can never find my first period class. I keep trying to find the couselors office so that I can find out what my classes are and I can't find it. Days go by and I'm getting more and more behind in my classes because I just can't find them. The school grounds get more and more confusing... Sometimes it even starts snowing...snow only happens in the highschool dream.

In last nights dream I was so depressed because I had to repeat the 8th grade at my old elementary school and THEN I had to repeat 9th - 12th grade at my old highschool. I was surrounded by the people I couldn't stand from elementary and highschool. It's strange because we're all in our 20's and 30's.

The theme of the other recurring dream is one in which I have to go to the dentist to get oral surgery. In reality, I had quite a bit of oral surgery as a kid because I had too many teeth and a small mouth. Plus I had some weird jaw thing that I had to take care of with headgear and shit 'cause my jaw wouldn't stop growing if I didn't. That's why I have a long, pointy face. If I get too skinny I can probaby slice bread with my jaw. Anyway...in the dream I'm at the oral surgeons sitting in the chair. The nurse is jabbing a needle (which a feel, some times the pain intensity is worse than others) into my left arm trying to find the vein. This takes forever...then she finally starts pumping in the anesthesia and it's NOT WORKING. I can't go to sleep. I feel myself kinda getting that woozy feeling and then I'm WIDE AWAKE. The doctor comes in. He thinks I'm asleep and starts putting all sorts of plastic shit in my mouth. I'm trying to talk through it to tell him I'm not asleep and he's not listening. But the nurse hears, and starts moving the damn needling, jabbing the hell out of my arm again. I'm gagging on stuff and then I'm out...then I'm awake again and everyone is gone. Then the nurse comes in and starts the whole thing over again! AAAAAH!!!!! I had a bit of both of these themes on Sunday night. Last night was just dreaded school. OH how I detest school!

I forgot to mention one other recurring theme... When and if I DO go home from school or the dentist, I end up at either the old house I grew up in (which my parents sold 6 years ago and moved to Orange County...yuck) or my grandparents old house (which my dad sold 5 years ago when his dad passed away). I spent much of my childhood in these two places and they have both been sold to "some asshole". I guess I miss them. In last nights dream I went home to my grandparents house. I was stressed to peices because I had tons of homework to do. Homework was the bane of my existence as a kid. I would get so stressed out over it that my mom would have to beg me to just sit down, relax and watch cartoons when I got home from school instead of going right to the homework to get it overwith so I could really relax. In the dream, there were a whole bunch of people from school at the house and I was trying to get them to leave. I started getting very thirsty so I went to the kitchen for a glass of water. I opened the old, dirty freezer to get some ice... The freezer was a dark hole that extended far, far back into nothingness. Ice poured from the black hole. I grabbed some, put it in a glass of water and drank. A little while later I noticed these weird shrimp/worm/insect looking things swimming in the glass. This made me gag...and wake up... Ew.

So it's a combination of mind fucks that is making me feel really shitty. On a happier note, I received my beautiful and gorgeous necklace from Zen. Just as I had expected, it is even more beautiful in person. I put it on and haven't taken it off yet...well, 'cept to shower 'cause I don't wanna ruin the crystals. She is so sweet, she also included a pair of earrings to match and another necklace with amazing blue and green gemstones. And she did something very special. She made the color theme of each peice to match my darling Toby beerd...



Speaking of Toby...I got him a year ago already! Holy shit! Happy bring home day, Tobster poop.

I also got my birthday present from Melanie. She had gotten me one of these for my birthday in May. The first one arrived broken and it took a couple of months to receive another one. I was DYING to get it! She finally brought it over this past weekend and I brought it into work yesterday. Very cool. Very cool, indeed. Thank you, Melanie darling poop. Poop. I like poop.

Anyway, I've written a book here. It's time for me to get on with my mundane life. Later.

The good, the bad and the ugly

I'm in a pretty decent mood on a Monday for a change! Isn't that lovely? I had a very nice weekend and a little of it carried over to today. I'm going to take advantage of it and get shit done. Maybe.

SO...Being a little more caught up at work has allowed me to visit some regular reads that I hadn't in a while. I was a little disappointed to see that one blogger took me off her list. Had a feeling she was only reading me 'cause I read and commented on her quite a bit. She tried but lost interest. Oh well... I still like reading her anyway.

Now I will comfort myself with the same crap I always do. Ready?

I can't let it bother me. Just like friends, bloggers come and go. Yup, I have a hard time meeting cool people/friends in real life and I seem to have the same problem online. Only a few seem to "get" me. That's okay. I learned a long time ago that popularity doesn't mean much. Not to mention, the blogger world is so full of WOMEN. Bitchy women. I hate women. Hell, who am I kidding? I hate people in general. I am ONE bitter bitch. I'll just practice here what I do in real life...I can't expect people to like me. SO...if you don't like me, FUCK YOU! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Naw...just don't read me. I have imaginary readers...and even a few cool and REAL readers. For now. 'Til they inevitably get bored with my complaining and negativity. SO THERE! HAH!

Uh-huh.

Speaking of hating people, Ron and I went to the public Aquarium yesterday. He had never been and in keeping with the weekend fishy theme, we decided to check it out. A public recreational location. On a Sunday. BRILLIANT. I brought my camera. What a joke. I couldn't get close enough to the damn exhibits to take any good pictures. There was always some shithead (or 30) butting their fat ass in front of me, someone's fucking brat stepping on my feet, someone's fucking stroller rolling into me or over my feet, someone BREATHING MY AIR. ARRGH! All the godforsaken people crowded into that place ruined the experience. I wished we could have gone on a day when it wasn't so damn crowded. Surprisingly, Ron didn't seem to mind the crowds as much as I did. He took it all in stride while I bitched and fumed and eventually got completely FED the fuck UP. We got our moneys worth and left. Probably won't go back for a looooooooooong time.

Note to all people here in California with out of state license plates:

GO THE FUCK BACK!!! WE DON'T NEED ANY MORE PEOPLE HERE. WE DON'T NEED ANY MORE DAMNED CONDOS, TRAFFIC, SMOG, ASSHOLES ALL OVER THE PLACE. GET USED TO THE GODDAMNED COLD WEATHER. IT'S GOOD FOR YOU. FUCKERS.

No really, I'm in a GOOD mood. I'm gonna go beat the shit out of something now. Later.

Thank you, Zen!

ACK! I'm FINALLY able to log onto blogger! I guess they changed a few things this month. I was having a terrible time because my password/email kept getting rejected and I didn't understand why. Glad I got it figured out 'cause I was DYING to see the jewelry that my new blogger pal Zen made me! Check it! She is SO talented! She's put it in the mail and pretty soon I will be exhibiting her latest work of art! Now that I've got my camera working again I'll be sure to take a pic to post of me wearing it. YAY! Not only is she talented, she loves animals and has PARROTS! It's always fun to find someone cool that you have things in common with.

And now it's time for some pictures... GUESS what I did this weekend!



Guess



Just




Just guess...



YUP! I went out and got my new fish tank stand to set up the bigger tank! We did it yesterday afternoon. The fish are so happy 'cause now they can swim back and forth vertically instead of hovering in one spot like they had to do in that vertical tank. They've also got 30 more gallons of real estate! We filled the tank using 5 gallon water jugs and found out that it's 60 gallons instead of the 55 I'd orginally thought.

Yea.

So here it is!



Yes, another blurry picture but you get the idea. It's wonderful. I LOVE it!

And for added fun (more fooling around with the camera), a nice picture of my leg tat...



NO, it's NOT NEMO. I drew this lil' guy ten years before that damn movie came out. I'm gonna get it touched up pretty soon and possibly add something. Not sure what yet.

And last but not least, a nice picture of Ron being a fool...



HAH!

Okay, that's all for now! It's Sunday night, time for me to make a nice din din for us.

Whoooooooot

I am bored. Fine but bored. My writing is boring. I'm boring. Same old crap. Same old thoughts that there is something better for me somewhere and I just don't know where to start to look. I'd rather be bored than stressed. I'd rather everything be fine, like it is. So I continue to sit here and do my job day after day after day in order to avoid anxiety. I just feel so small and insignificant. What can I do? How can I stand out?

I was reading through some of my archives and noticed the pattern. The ups and downs. And the complaining about the same shit that doesn't even matter. Pccsht! I don't have problems! I'm blessed! Blessed with depression. Blessed with a shitty attitude about things even when they are just fine and dandy. That's a great excuse to smoke and drink! We all know how much BETTER that makes life!

I am doing what I'm supposed to do. I am happy about getting married. It's just this nagging feeling that I don't want to be like everyone else. I don't want to be regular. I want some excitement! I guess I'm way overdue for some fun. *snore*

Ramble ramble ramble. *Yawn* Later...

Good news

It's been a good day so far. Nothing too spectacular to report, other than I GOT A RAISE today! Hurrayy!! I've been doing a consistently good job and didn't have to ask for it this time like I did last year. Yay for me!

Ron and I talked last night about my current dark mood. He says I'm his sunshine and he hates to see me so unhappy. Most of the time I try to be my good natured, silly self... But as I've expressed here, MANY a time, I have a downside. And so does he, as I've ALSO expressed here. Many a time. The resolution? Deal with it. Try not to get sucked into angry land so much. Both of us have a problem with this...this incessant disillusion.

Back to work for me. I might be back later.

City cage

It's Monday again. The beginning of yet another week. How do I feel? Oh, the usual shitty. I hate Mondays. What else is new? Moving on...

The weekend was nice enough. Saturday we met Rons mom for lunch at a swanky little Italian place. We had a coupon and thought we'd try the place out. The food was fantastic! Definately going to make a return trip someday. I enjoyed seeing Rons mom again, it had been ages. She brought me a little surprise, too... A real birds nest that she'd found in her yard while cleaning the gutters. It even has a tiny egg in it! The perfect addition to my nature collection. It'll look lovely next to Rosie's skin in a bottle.

Sunday we got up early and went to our usual little cafe for breakfast. Then we went to the museum that we'd skipped last weekend. The LA museum of autimotive history. It was cool, took some more pictures of classic cars. They had a shitload of old H*twheels (gotta try to skip the real names of things 'cause I'm getting tons of stupid blog spam) on display. After the museum we rented some fun, lighthearted movies to spend the evening watching.

Yeaup. There you have the highlights of the weekend. Whee.

This morning I came into the office as usual and I opened up my emails while sipping coffee. I came across one from an email buddy in Washington. I met her on a website a few years ago. Very nice girl. Anyway, she had sent me another email over the weekend asking if I'd received her email from last week. I'd read it, but hadn't had a chance to look at the pictures she'd attached. They were of the new property that she and her husband just bought up in Washington state. Beautiful lakefront property. Soooo...I sat back, sipped coffee and checked out the pics so that I could respond to her email. As I looked at picture after picture of the wide open space, of gorgeous trees and hills and lake as far as the eye could see...the little ball of envy and sadness in my gut let loose (again) and I got kinda teary eyed. The little spoiled brat in my head screamed, "I WANT THAT!" I wrote back to her as cheery as I could...but then I couldn't help it. I had to tell her how I felt. Here's part of the email...I'd told her about not being able to move into Melanie's place in the paragraph before this...

*****************************************

I was just looking forward to a change in scenery. I wanted to set up my 55 gallon tank, too. I'm tired of the tall 30 gallon. I might just do it anyway. I need a change. I really really really REALLY HATE where we live. I know it could be much worse, but 30 years in ***** is more than enough for me. I'm just gonna come right out and say that I am SO ENVIOUS of you guys. There! I said it! I want that scenery so bad. I hate the city, I hate LA, I hate the crowds of people, the pollution, the sirens, the helicopters. I know that we'll get out of here eventually. We're planning on getting to Colorado within about two years. But we have to save money. That means we're probably gonna have to stay at my little shithouse for all that time. *sigh*

I feel bad saying this, but I'm on a roll... I love Ron to peices, but why does he have to be in debt? I'm tired of finding guys who are in debt. I may not make a whole lot of money, but I don't have any debt and I've been responsible. It sucks to have to live like this. I hate this struggling. Ron is being very good and trying his best to pay his bills off and I feel very good that I can help him. And I know we're just starting out. But it's not like we're in our 20s. We have so much catching up to do and it sucks to watch my friends living in lovely houses while I'm stuck in this tiny shithole. I've voiced this to Ron, of course...not too much about the debt thing though. I don't wanna rub it in and make him feel worse. No one needs that. He just had a string of bad luck and made some bad decisions. He's human. I just hate being poor...especially in LA. I'm getting so tired of it. I feel trapped, like I'm never going to be able to get out of here. We've set a goal to work towards and I have believe we can do it. It'll all be worth it blah blah blah. I just hate going through it. I've had ENOUGH of this place...if you couldn't tell...pfft!

Anyway, I've rambled enough. Thank you for sharing the lovely pics, really. It gives me something to look forward to. One day we will have that view, too. It's a great goal to work toward. I think I'm gonna go home and measure that 55 gallon tank and get me a stand. I'll just move some junk over, dammit. I want my tank.

**********************************************

Ron called a little while after I wrote this email and asked me why I sounded so down all of a sudden. I had to tell him how unhappy I am. He gave me a good idea. He told me to write down all the things that make me unhappy about where we are so that we can sit down and talk it out, put things in perspective. We both know that we're most likely going to have to move out of the backhouse before we can move to Colorado. It's just too small and Ron needs more room to go through all the shit he has in storage. We'll work this out. We're together and I have to be supportive and helpful. That's the only way we'll have a chance to get to the place where we can both be happy. Because neither of us are right now.

Driving driving driving driving

That's all I've been doing the past few days. The boss' daughter had some follow up doctors appointments this week. They can't seem to pinpoint what has been causing a constant ringing in one of her ears. That means a trip to the audiologist, then back to the ear, nose and throat doctor, then to an MRI, then back to the ENT doctor... It was fun at first, but now it's becoming a drag. We've had to cram a lot into this week because she is leaving to go back to Poland on Saturday. Tomorrow will be, HOPEFULLY, the last appointment. These doctors aren't close to the office,it's about a half hour drive away. So I have to wait around and it sucks. I have stuff to do at work! Stuff that I'm avoiding right now... I just got back to the office for the afternoon and I'm tired. Just gonna do some receivables and then go the hell home.

Speaking of hell, it's damn hot again today. But it's supposed to cool down by the weekend. I really hope so because I'm not ready for more misery. Well, who is EVER ready for misery? Pfft... This summer has been shitty though. I wasted vacation days doing nothing. We can't seem to get our shit together enough to go camping, we're broke...blah blah blah. Ron mentioned going to San Francisco for the weekend at the end of August. I'm hoping beyond all hope that nothing comes up financially or otherwise to ruin our plans. I want to go on a little weekend getaway with Ron SO BADLY. We haven't done it yet! I don't want our honeymoon to be the first chance we get to vacation together.

Hmmm...what else is going on... OH yea! I did some more art the other night! I got this pad of cartoon cell paper from that ladys house. You know...that lady...Melanies moms friend who passed away. I mentioned it in this entry, the one with the house fulla stuff. She was an artist and loved cartoons so she had tons of great art supplies. Of course I had to get some of it! I had never actually drawn and painted on a cell before and I finally got the stuff out and did it on Monday night. I drew a tree and a rock for the backround on one cell, then my Pea Bird character sitting on a rock looking at a squirrel up in the tree on another cell. I outlined my drawings with black ink and then painted them with acrylics. I must say, it came out pretty good for my first try! And it was lots of fun. I'll have to try to scan it at work and post it. Maybe I'll have time to do that tomorrow after the doc appointment.

Well, better get to work. I get to leave in an hour. Woopies.

Fine fine fine

Monday morning sucks. I'm not having a good one. The old "Pit of Despair" is back, sitting in my gut right now. I can physically feel it pulling on my heart. An ache. A longing. To just get out of here. The monotany that is life. My thoughts race and I can't concentrate, my eyes well up with tears and I cry for a few minutes, I sit and stare into space...cycles over and over, not necessarily in that order. I hate these feelings.

My weekend was good, despite the fact that I am so down this morning. I got together with Melanie for baked artichokes on Friday night, which was fun. She's been in the process of moving into her boyfriends house these past few weeks. Ivan inherited a two bedroom house from his grandparents when they passed away. He was raised by them, mostly, as his parents had their own problems. So I got to see the progress of her moving on Friday.

Speaking of moving, I don't think I ever mentioned what's been going down. Melanie owns a one bedroom condo that she bought about five years ago. She was considering letting Ron and I rent or lease it from her because it's bigger than the little backhouse we're in now and we could still save money. She told us last week that she's decided to go ahead and sell it to pay off some of her bills. Poor thing deliberated over it a lot 'cause she knew it would disappointing to us. But I had a feeling it might turn out this way. We would have been able to save money, but I guess this is for the best. I remember living there with her for two months when I'd moved out of the ex's and was waiting for the back house to be ready... I didn't like a few things about it. Plus, entering a deal like this with my best friend makes me a little nervous.

So anyway, Friday night was good. I hadn't seen Melanie in a few weeks and enjoyed hanging out with her and Ivan. Ron didn't come 'cause he was tired and didn't feel like hearing Melanie and I squealing over artichokes. That's fine...I don't blame him! But when I saw all of Melanie's stuff in that big house, I couldn't help but feel a twinge of jealousy. I was really looking forward to moving into a bigger place. Ron would have been able to start sorting through his massive piles of stuff that his has in storage, I would have been able to set up my 55 gallon fish tank...we would have been able to spread out a little. I feel like we're never going to be able to afford to have a bigger place without really struggling. Rent is fucking INSANE over here. And I'm sick and TIRED of being crammed into this tiny house. But it's for the best.

Yea.

Saturday was Rons company picnic. It was at a gorgeous park with a lake. Your typical company shindig... Burgers an' dawgs, a raffle, games and six billion kids. Ron is older and he's just beginning (as of 3 years ago) as an electrician. He is an apprentice right now, next year is his last year of schooling. He works with a whole lotta youngins who think they're hot shit. Daddy or Uncle (the company owners) got them into the business. They still live at home and own huge trucks and boats. I got to meet some of them on Saturday. Well, the ones who were polite enough to actually introduce themselves, that is. Don't you just love standing there and feeling invisible while your friend/significant other blabs away with someone who doesn't even BOTHER to offer his name or ask yours? So much fun. I guess I shoulda exposed my titties.

The situation made me clam up...it reminded me a little of the times I'd go to work parties with my ex. A bunch of firemen...city, county and forestry (forestry firemen are lowest paid monkeys of the bunch, this is what my ex was and he was always kissing ASS to get in witht he big boys on the city or county) talking shop the WHOLE motherfucking time. "OOooh, sexy firemen!", you say. Being with my ex made me lose a lot of respect for firemen, lemme tell ya. Plus my uncle Tom, who passed away three years ago from lung cancer (of course), was an LA City Fire captain. So I've been around the lot of 'em. Don't get me wrong, I've still got respect for firemen, those who work hard...but many, many of them let their jobs go to their heads. That's how I felt about these guys. I guess it's due to my overall impression, I wasn't interested in talking to them at all. So I just sat there and smiled while Ron talked shop with them. Then Ron wanted to go play volleyball with them...I wasn't interested. I went off by myself to check out the lake for a bit. Found a huge snail shell, watched a crane eat, watched the duckies swim by. Much more relaxing than sitting at picnic tables with a bunch of strangers. Total social overload for someone who can't stand people.

Ron WAS cool through it all though. He was sweet and did introduce me, when he remembered. I had no qualms about his behavior that day. Overall it was a good time and we were only there for a total of about two and a half hours. Ron could tell I was a little down afterward so we stopped for some yummies and movies. He had also bought a DVD of Faith No More for us to watch. I really enjoyed watching that when we got home, helped cheer me up a lot! Heh...

Sunday was supposed to be the car show at the museum, but we decided to put that off for a bit because we wanted to go to a concert instead. Ron got us tickets to check out Anthrax, he hadn't seen them in about ten years. We were both very disappointed with the show. The drinks were more than a rip off, the opening bands were horrible (barking metal...NOT my thing at all) and Anthrax played like shit. AND we had your basic stringy-haired freak flinging his sweaty hair in front of us. I was lucky and didn't get hit with the delicate spray of sweat, most of it was caught by the large black man in front of me. Poor guy... We left the show early because we were bored out of our minds. Oh well, it was a concert experience for me. Though I really wish I could have gone to all the great shows that Ron got to see during 90s. He's always talking about how he saw Nirvana at this place, Mr. Bungle at another, Faith No More, PEARL JAM (have I told you I HATE him sometimes?), Alice in Chains, Soundgarden, Morrissey... *sigh*

That was my weekend and that' s all for now. I have to go pack shit. I don' wanna. All I wanna do is...you guessed it...go home and sleep. I'm bored out of my mind. I need a change. I need an adventure. It's too expensive... But I'm not doomed to this meager existence. I have faith that it'll get better.

Crayola moments

I'm so over that drama from the other day. The whole thing is lame. So junior high. I can't blame myself for someone else's personal problems. She has problems that I can't even BEGIN to understand, problems that affect her everyday life, problems that are rooted in a very fucked up childhood. Another set of people who should never have brought a child into this world, who were too immursed in their drug habit to raise a child. Those are the people I like to thank for the state of the world today. Here's a heartfelt FUCK YOU to all those selfish mutherfuckers.

SOH...

Like I said, this girls got A LOTTA issues...manic depression, rock bottom self esteem... One of the most apparent of her issues is trust. When it comes to trust she has the mentality of a 15 year old gangster girl. You know the type...

"EH, BITCH...you wanna say 'dat chit to my FACE?! HUH fucker? 'Cause I KNOW you got sum chit to say 'cause I allreddy heard it frum muh homes, BITCH."

Yea.

I don't need this in my life. Friends are supposed to lift you up, not bring you down. I thought I could help this person by being her friend. By being there to listen. It's turned out that ALL I DO is listen. I can't take it anymore. It's time to let this one go and move on to greener pastures.

I'm SO fucking good at being my own therapist, huh? I should listen to myself! Naw, I'm gonna go with my gut on this one. My gut is screaming, "LEAVE IT, WILL YOU??"

On with life... I've had a nice couple of days. Tuesday was cousin Mark's birthday and we threw a little birthday dinner bash for him at my place. My brother Steve came over and made his famous clam pasta. That shit is amazing, man. He's gotta reduce THREE bottles of white wine into this tiny lil' thick sauce. It's quite the process. But the result, OH the result! The five of us (Ron, Steve, Ben, Mark and I) ate like kings. We also drank like, for lack of a better metaphore, fish. I think we went through two cases of beer. That's not counting the wine with dinner and the vodka shots toward the end of the evening. No, I don't remember a few things. Apparently I was laying on the cement outside with Stan. Ron says I came up to him and was all like, "Sssstan is SSssssso fuckin' coool, man. He's...he's such a cool c-c-hat. I love 'im sooo... LOOok! Lookit me hangin' with 'im! We're toadally catcheen crickets for Rosie!" How lovely. I do remember putting a cricket in Rosies cage at some point in the evening. However, things come to me in bits and pieces. I don't remember going to bed. AND OH the state of the house when I got up in the morning! Dishes EVERYWHERE. Potato chips and dried clam bits ALL over the carpet. The stove looked like someone had spilled tar all over it. I had to calm my neat freak self and just walk out of the house or I'd be an hour late for work. Just walk away...

When I got home last night I heard the most wonderful sound...the vacuum running! And it wasn't ME behind it! Ron had cleaned up all the dishes from around the house and was vacuuming up the chip mess when I walked in. Bless his heart. He did most of the dishes last night. Tonight I'll probably finish them.

I'm looking forward to this weekend. Saturday is Ron's company picnic. I haven't been to one of those in years! There's gonna be volleyball, body art, all sorts 'o games, food and music. Wooooo! Let's see how the electricians party, man! Then Sunday we're going to a museum of old car parts and shit. I'm not really sure. Sheesh...Ron and his cars. I love it though and am developing my own appreciation for old cars. Seems I have good taste, according to Ron and my dad. Shit though, I think it's about time for me to take him to a bird show. Hahaha! Now eet's MY TURN. Someday soon...

That's about it for now. I've got lots of work to do still. Gotta get out the rest of those backorders. I will leave you with a lovely picture of...



I just LOVE discovering music. It's like, I'd heard of this...I'd heard it, but I hadn't discovered it. Ya know? And I love this shit! I can't believe I didn't get into it sooner!

Later!

They come and go...

Welp, I dun did lost a friend today. I don't think I ever want anything to do with this person again. Calling up one of my closest friends (our mutual friend that I actually met her through 20 years ago) and telling her that I badmouthed her, having her contact ME to find out what it was when I don't even KNOW and THEN refusing to talk to me logically when I apologize and ask her just what is going on is NOT something I can easily forgive. I tried to ask her if the three of us could get together and go over things and she just wouldn't have it. She basically told me to fuck off and die in an email. I seriously had NO IDEA she was upset when I left her house on Saturday. I thought everything was fine. She is a fucking hypersensitive NUTJOB and I don't need this in my life.

What is WRONG with me? WHY IN THE FUCK can't I meet anyone cool?? Am I a bitch? Why are people such assholes?! Why do I EVEN FUCKING CARE?! I'M SO TIRED OF THIS.