The trick is to keep breathing...

I'm getting overwhelmed again. My back feels like one big knot. I've been doing a lot of what I refer to as "snowballing" lately. One disturbing thought leads to another disturbing thought that leads to another and another and and and then I'm crying. I'm trying to combat this bubbling inner stress and bitterness by doing good things like exercising, getting rest (I've been going to bed between 9:30 and ten), not eating too much junk, doing things I enjoy like setting up the new fish tank and drawing, thinking happy thoughts about Mike Patton... These things work for a little bit...but before long I'm turning to smoking and alcohol. I can honestly say that I have a developing substance abuse problem. So does Ron... We are both able to keep it somewhat at bay and function, but just like thousands of other people, we can't always do that.

I love Ron very much. I want to always be there for him. I can't help but be scared for our future. I admit it, I want someone to take care of me. I'm afraid that we both have the same negative outlook, depression, anxiety. That's not good for us or our relationship. I'm scared yes, but I have faith that we can fight this battle together. I have to have faith in Ron because I'm afraid that I don't have anything else. This world is a rotten place and I'm lost in it.

I know when the frustration and stress gets bad because I have these recurring dreams...sometimes in the same night. It's pretty damn bad right now because I've had these two dreams in the same night, twice in a row now. Last night and Sunday night.

The theme of one recurring dream is that I have to go back school, either elementary (I hated my elementary school years and I think they are the root of my depression and anxiety) or highschool. It's usually elementary. I find myself searching the entire school premises for something...I don't know what. I have this horrible depressed feeling in my chest as I walk through the empty halls, up the stairs, looking into empty classrooms. I sit in the tiny, pink, smelly bathroom that I used to cry in. I case the school yard. Sometimes the yard is filled with water, like a lake. The shore is right next to the benches where I used to sit with my asshole classmates. Sometimes I go swimming out to the far gate... I always have the feeling of wanting to get the hell out of there and go to back to work, but I am being forced to be there and I have no choice. I have to do my awful schoolwork. The highschool dreams are frustrating because the school is so crowded and I can never find my first period class. I keep trying to find the couselors office so that I can find out what my classes are and I can't find it. Days go by and I'm getting more and more behind in my classes because I just can't find them. The school grounds get more and more confusing... Sometimes it even starts snowing...snow only happens in the highschool dream.

In last nights dream I was so depressed because I had to repeat the 8th grade at my old elementary school and THEN I had to repeat 9th - 12th grade at my old highschool. I was surrounded by the people I couldn't stand from elementary and highschool. It's strange because we're all in our 20's and 30's.

The theme of the other recurring dream is one in which I have to go to the dentist to get oral surgery. In reality, I had quite a bit of oral surgery as a kid because I had too many teeth and a small mouth. Plus I had some weird jaw thing that I had to take care of with headgear and shit 'cause my jaw wouldn't stop growing if I didn't. That's why I have a long, pointy face. If I get too skinny I can probaby slice bread with my jaw. Anyway...in the dream I'm at the oral surgeons sitting in the chair. The nurse is jabbing a needle (which a feel, some times the pain intensity is worse than others) into my left arm trying to find the vein. This takes forever...then she finally starts pumping in the anesthesia and it's NOT WORKING. I can't go to sleep. I feel myself kinda getting that woozy feeling and then I'm WIDE AWAKE. The doctor comes in. He thinks I'm asleep and starts putting all sorts of plastic shit in my mouth. I'm trying to talk through it to tell him I'm not asleep and he's not listening. But the nurse hears, and starts moving the damn needling, jabbing the hell out of my arm again. I'm gagging on stuff and then I'm out...then I'm awake again and everyone is gone. Then the nurse comes in and starts the whole thing over again! AAAAAH!!!!! I had a bit of both of these themes on Sunday night. Last night was just dreaded school. OH how I detest school!

I forgot to mention one other recurring theme... When and if I DO go home from school or the dentist, I end up at either the old house I grew up in (which my parents sold 6 years ago and moved to Orange County...yuck) or my grandparents old house (which my dad sold 5 years ago when his dad passed away). I spent much of my childhood in these two places and they have both been sold to "some asshole". I guess I miss them. In last nights dream I went home to my grandparents house. I was stressed to peices because I had tons of homework to do. Homework was the bane of my existence as a kid. I would get so stressed out over it that my mom would have to beg me to just sit down, relax and watch cartoons when I got home from school instead of going right to the homework to get it overwith so I could really relax. In the dream, there were a whole bunch of people from school at the house and I was trying to get them to leave. I started getting very thirsty so I went to the kitchen for a glass of water. I opened the old, dirty freezer to get some ice... The freezer was a dark hole that extended far, far back into nothingness. Ice poured from the black hole. I grabbed some, put it in a glass of water and drank. A little while later I noticed these weird shrimp/worm/insect looking things swimming in the glass. This made me gag...and wake up... Ew.

So it's a combination of mind fucks that is making me feel really shitty. On a happier note, I received my beautiful and gorgeous necklace from Zen. Just as I had expected, it is even more beautiful in person. I put it on and haven't taken it off yet...well, 'cept to shower 'cause I don't wanna ruin the crystals. She is so sweet, she also included a pair of earrings to match and another necklace with amazing blue and green gemstones. And she did something very special. She made the color theme of each peice to match my darling Toby beerd...



Speaking of Toby...I got him a year ago already! Holy shit! Happy bring home day, Tobster poop.

I also got my birthday present from Melanie. She had gotten me one of these for my birthday in May. The first one arrived broken and it took a couple of months to receive another one. I was DYING to get it! She finally brought it over this past weekend and I brought it into work yesterday. Very cool. Very cool, indeed. Thank you, Melanie darling poop. Poop. I like poop.

Anyway, I've written a book here. It's time for me to get on with my mundane life. Later.