Stone cold

Ah, good morning and welcome to day three of stone cold sobriety. Yes, I'm trying again. Last Thursday, after having a talk with Ron, we had decided that we need to cut back on the drinking. Then Friday rolled around. The Friday before a long weekend Friday. BIG Friday. Melanie called while I was on my way home from work and invited us over for a hang out session that night. Mike, Bam and another couple we didn't know were gonna be there. We headed over around eight and thus began the party. The party that did not end until Monday night. Like I said the other day, it was a great weekend... A great weekend riddled with substances of the inebriatin' kyynd.

Then MONday came crashing down, like it always does. Monday and reality. Reality sucks the salt offa chimps balls. I know I don't have a big problem, but a developing one. I've been enjoying drinking a little too much, especially since I've gotten with Ron. We've discussed this several times. He knows he has a problem, too. A functioning alcoholic is what he calls himself. He told me this in the beginning... He doesn't drink hard liquor from morning 'til night, but he still drinks a helluva lotta beer.

So...Monday. I was depressed and emotional as hell again. At one point my brother Steve popped up on the IM to tell me about his new job possiblity. He might be moving to Virginia. Fuck. But that's another story. I made the mistake of complaining to him about my mood, the drinking too much, Rons shitty schedule... Next thing ya know he's asking if he can be truthful. UH-OHhhh. Ya see, my brother has known Ron for a long time, since Ron is best friends with our cousin Mark. Our cousin Mark who also has his own set of alcohol and drug problems. He basically told me that he wants me to be sure of what I'm getting into. That Ron is a good guy, but he's got a sordid past. That he's worried because our relationship seems to be moving very fast. That his gut is telling him no. He said that I deserve someone who has their shit more together because I'm still working on getting MY shit together. This made me burst into tears. He told me not to panic and to just think good and hard about what I'm doing. That I'm a smart person and he's concerned for me. He said that so long as I'm happy, it's fine, but that I should really think about my future.

Of course this has made me worried sick. Ron is a wonderful man and I really DO want to marry him. I see how smart he is and how he is trying to clean up his act now that he has found someone that he loves and wants to build a life with. But he is still human. He still has habits that his rough life has given him. He didn't have a healty family life at all. He didn't EVER have the support he needed. He got disappointed A LOT by people he trusted. He couldn't depend on anyone but himself. We HAVE talked about these things, like I've mentioned before... He tells me that I have nothing to worry about, that he has the right plan and he knows what he needs to do. That it won't always be this way. I see him making steps and I love the fact that I've been able to help him so much. He HAS gotten quite far since we first got together. But now I'm just worried sick about the future. I want him to talk to someone. I don't want to be his therapist. I want to go with him to talk to a counselor before we get married. He's been somewhat receptive to counseling...but then he'll go backwards and say that he doesn't need anyone to tell him what to do, that he KNOWS what he needs to do. Typical stubborn man. I feel compelled to help him, even though my brother says that it's not my job. He is worth it to me. He is a good man.

So I've started with myself... I have to lead by example. If I can be sober, so can he. We can do this together. We CAN get our shit together. Hell, we ARE getting our shit together. I'm gong to work on myself, work on being STRONG for him. I'm not going to have so many breakdowns in front of him. I'm not going to keep nagging him about his drinking. I'm going to find the right time to bring up the counseling again...the key is not to nag or get all huffy like I always do because that just makes him not want to do it. I love him and he is worth it to me. That's all that matters.