Isn't that sweet?

As usual, your kind and thoughtful words are always appreciated. Thanks so much... I know it's okay if I don't want to become a stroller slave. The trick is getting rid of the guilt surrounding my decision. I hate guilt, it is a terrible symptom of depression. If you make people aware of your guilt weakness (ahem, boss) they will use it against you. I also have to try my best to deal with those who already have or want children. Good for them. I have the ultimate respect for those who do it right and provide a safe, healthy environment for their kids to grow up in. That is their life, their prerogative and I have nothing to do with it...until they decide to insult my decision. That's where I draw the line. Hey, you like cleaning up after kids. I like cleaning up after animals.

I always let things get to me to the point of emotional breakdown. My shields are weak, especially the one around my heart. I think that one's finally broken. The insults are always remembered while the helpful and positive reminders are always left behind. Are you guys blue in the face, yet? It's not hopeless, I promise. I'm working a new shield. Who knows when this construction project "me" will ever be finished. Most likely never...but that's okay, too.

This weekend was very nice. The visit with my mom on Saturday was so much fun. Just a fun mother and daughter day that I am going to make a point to do more regularly. I really wanted to get together with her, since I'll be missing the Mother's Day festivities next weekend due to my yearly trip to Chicago for the catalog convention for work. It's during the same week, every fucking year. We have to leave on the Sunday before, which is always Mother's Day. I'm obviously sick of it, but I gotta do what a gotta do.

I worry about my mom being around for much longer. She's doing very well for having struggled with Type 1 Diabetes for the past 35 years, but of course it has taken more of a toll on her body over time. So I have to take advantage of the fact that she is still here. I was reminded of good old mortality again on Saturday when we watched the tape (now a DVD thanks to dad) of my brother's graduation from the Navy in 1992. I was a 15 year old brace face with a sphinx haircut who couldn't put down my adorable nephew. He was only 14 months and my niece hadn't been born yet but she was in the oven at the time. The video was shot by my now-deceased uncle Bob, who passed away in 2001 from leukemia at the age of 59. There was also my maternal grandfather, who died of old age at 98 almost two years ago, and his wife Lorine (yucky wierd step-grandma he married when my real grandma died at 69 of a brain hemorrhage when I was six months old) who also died of old age at 94 in 2006. Then there was my uncle Tom, who died of lung cancer in 2000 at 60. My cousin Danny was not in the video, but he was uncle Bob's son. He died in a motorcycle accident in 1994 at only 23.

Yea... So the video was very bitter-sweet. But the graduation was a very fun memory. Going to San Diego, all of us staying two nights at a nice hotel with a pool. My uncle did a great job with the video, catching all of the perfect moments during the graduation ceremony. I'd forgotten that my brother played the bass drum and was right in front the whole time. They even did a cute drum solo. I can't believe how young my now 39 year old brother looked. I asked my dad to make me a copy of it so I can show Ron some of the people from my family he'll never have the pleasure of meeting. I also can't wait to show him what I looked like and the hours of laughter we will have over it!

The rest of Saturday was lovely. Mom and I went to see the movie 'Earth', a very obviously Disney creation, complete with good old James Earl's voice. Now there is a person who overcame his weakness to become great. Though the movie was aimed at children (of course) and had all of the usual lessons, we enjoyed the endless shots of animals and natural beauty. After the movie we had a nice dinner at a nearby 50's-sh restaurant. I was even a smiling, good girl while the waitress told us about her pregnancy, that mom naturally had to ask about. It wasn't long until we discovered that two other women who worked there were also pregnant. The three of them were about six weeks apart. Yay. I think I did a great job of pretending to be interested...for mom's sake. Our waitress was really sweet though, she did a great job, preggo or not. After dinner we stopped by a shoe store and mom bought her broke daughter a pair of cute sandals...

But mom, it's Mother's Day! Happy Mothers Day, she says to me... Hah! I'm going to be sure to send her some gorgeous flowers and a sweet card, of course. She always loves the simplest things. I think that's where I get it from. I don't need nuthin' fancy, just a little appreciation when it's deserved.

I'm being a bad girl right now, writing a lot at work again. My boss is gone to Poland this week to get the rest of her things from the few years she lived there with her husband. They're finally divorcing. Goodie. I'm just happy to have a break from her for the next month, 'cept when I meet up with her in Chicago for the convention. Things are fine between us and I'm trying my best to hold up my end of the deal until something better comes along...whenever that is. I'd better get going, I have quite a few things I want to do before I leave here today. Like, work related things. Really...

Later!