What a week I've had. It started with the car accident and then moved on with fighting and more fighting. We had ANOTHER fight on Saturday. This was due to my bottling up of everything all week and then spilling it on him like sewage. Of course it made him upset. Then I got upset. Then the world turned upside down for a few hours. Luckily I had Melanie again. She picked me up and took me back to her house so that I could compose myself and relax. Then Ron called and once again there were apologies on both sides. I know... This is getting old and it can't go on. We have problems that need to be sorted out by a third party. I'm trying to get in to see a counselor before November. I have to call the office again today and find out if they found me an alternative therapist that isn't booked 'til November. I'll probably just have to wait for a cancellation though.
Well, at least the week started on a decent note. I got the cleaning bug yesterday and could NOT stop cleaning. I'd start one thing, move on to another, go back to the other thing, start another thing... I ended up cleaning the doors, windows and ceiling fan, dusting the tables, vacuuming and mopping the kitchen and bathroom. I also mopped the porch. That was a can of worms. We live upstairs over the garage, so there's a painted balcony and staircase from our front door. It gets terribly dusty, so I filled the trash can I'd been rinsing and poured it down the stairs. I love watching all the dirt and grime cascade down down down the stairs. Of course that only produced mud on the porch, so I had to dump water all over the porch, too. Then I had to get the mop to finish it up. And once I was done cleaning the house, I still had to clean the fish tank. Aaahh... But it felt SO GOOD to cleeeeann!! It really helps me relax. Being surrounded by clutter and filth just makes me so uptight! When I was done I melted into the couch.
That brings me to today. The beginning of another week. I hope it's better than last week. I'll try my best to make it so. I have to get over this depression and be strong. Everything will be fine. Speaking of strong, I'm gonna go make some more coffee 'cause this shit is weak. UGH. Weak coffee SUCKS.
Edited to add:
I just read Chris' blog and it made me think about the big mistake I've made, getting emotionally involved with someone before we realized our gaping differences. Of course that's one of the main reasons we're having so much trouble. I got involved with someone who has had vastly different life experiences than I have. He had a nasty childhood and has many unresolved issues. What was I thinking?! I ignored all the red flags, just like so many other people do. Now I feel like I'm stuck. Well, I got myself here so I'm going to have to get myself out. Not out of the relationship, but out of this hole that we've dug ourselves into. If he wants to follow me out, great. If not, I'm afraid I'm going to have to leave him in the darkness that he insists on creating.
Okay, that's it. Really. I have to fucking work now. I need another vacation...
Well, at least the week started on a decent note. I got the cleaning bug yesterday and could NOT stop cleaning. I'd start one thing, move on to another, go back to the other thing, start another thing... I ended up cleaning the doors, windows and ceiling fan, dusting the tables, vacuuming and mopping the kitchen and bathroom. I also mopped the porch. That was a can of worms. We live upstairs over the garage, so there's a painted balcony and staircase from our front door. It gets terribly dusty, so I filled the trash can I'd been rinsing and poured it down the stairs. I love watching all the dirt and grime cascade down down down the stairs. Of course that only produced mud on the porch, so I had to dump water all over the porch, too. Then I had to get the mop to finish it up. And once I was done cleaning the house, I still had to clean the fish tank. Aaahh... But it felt SO GOOD to cleeeeann!! It really helps me relax. Being surrounded by clutter and filth just makes me so uptight! When I was done I melted into the couch.
That brings me to today. The beginning of another week. I hope it's better than last week. I'll try my best to make it so. I have to get over this depression and be strong. Everything will be fine. Speaking of strong, I'm gonna go make some more coffee 'cause this shit is weak. UGH. Weak coffee SUCKS.
Edited to add:
I just read Chris' blog and it made me think about the big mistake I've made, getting emotionally involved with someone before we realized our gaping differences. Of course that's one of the main reasons we're having so much trouble. I got involved with someone who has had vastly different life experiences than I have. He had a nasty childhood and has many unresolved issues. What was I thinking?! I ignored all the red flags, just like so many other people do. Now I feel like I'm stuck. Well, I got myself here so I'm going to have to get myself out. Not out of the relationship, but out of this hole that we've dug ourselves into. If he wants to follow me out, great. If not, I'm afraid I'm going to have to leave him in the darkness that he insists on creating.
Okay, that's it. Really. I have to fucking work now. I need another vacation...
2 comments:
Ugh. I hear you, hon, I really do. It is a common mess, getting involved with someone emotionally before you should. I think women do it all the time. If I can recommend Barbara to you, I think she might be able to help! Her full name is Barbara DeAngelis and she has a couple of books about relationships and marriages. The one I'm using as my bible now is "Are You the One For Me?" and it helps you to find a good relationship and/or evaluate the one you're currently in. I hope things get better, I know how hard it is! **HUGS!!**
Yeah, you know, people used to ride my ass for not being romantic enough--especially my wasband. "But love conquers all" and so on.
Oy. A successful relationship requires more than love. It requires a certain amount of practicality. Yes, someone DOES have to look good on paper to you, and someone DOES have to have the same goals.
It's just a crappy lesson to learn through experience. Unfortunately, our society programs us, and women in particular, to go after a connection, because, you know, women are "sensitive" and "giving" and "nurturing" and we just can't be alone. We're such "emotional creatures."
Which is horseshit, chica. As I've said to a few people today, people are people. I'm so tired of generalizations. All anyone ever needs to do is listen to his or her gut. It never lies. We just tell it to shut up too much.
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