Some witty responses for the nosey assholes

I told you I was only done...FOR NOW. Ah, but I've got another coloring project in the works. For now, here's a list of things we often hear from parents, and some quick and easy responses:

When are you going to have kids?

~When I run out of better things to do.
~When are you going to stop being so nosy?
~Oh I'm too busy practicing. Maybe when I prefect my technique.
~When are you going to lose weight?
~When they come potty trained.
~When minivans are sexy, childcare is free and they come with on/off switches.

Why don't you have kids?

~I haven't run out of better things to do yet.
~Why aren't you in law school? Oh, you don't want to be a lawyer? Well, I don't want to be a parent.
~Because I'm still perfecting my technique.
~Why don't you have manners?

It's different when they're your own!

~Yea, you can't give them back!
~Yeah, its WORSE!

My/Your child could grow up to cure cancer!

~It's more likely it would end up in jail!
~Why don't you cure cancer instead of living vicariously through your own kid?
~I'll bet Manson/Saddam/Bin Laden's parents said the same thing.

You were a kid once, too!

~So what's your point? (Keep repeating this no matter what excuse they make until they realize they have no point)
~And I grew out of that stage, too.
~So was Hitler!
~Yeah, and I didn't like kids then, either!
~So were you, but that's not reason for your to continue acting like one.
~Next, you're going to tell me the Yankees play in The Bronx...

Don't you want to hear the pitter patter of little feet?

~No.
~I do hear the pitter patter of little feet - dog/cat feet!
~No. I prefer moaning, screaming and furniture breaking.

Who will take care of you when you are old?

~My pension plan that I've been investing in since I was 21.
~The same people who will take care of you -- nursing home attendants.
~Who says I plan to be old?
~My 20-something lover.

Why'd you get married if you didn't want kids?

~For the same reason people get divorced -- because they can!
~Because I love my spouse and see them as more than a reproductive organ.

The only reason to get married is to have children!

~You do realize that 50% of marriages end in divorce, right? Perhaps kids are the reason people get divorced, too.

Some day you'll grow up and change your mind.

~No, I'm perfectly happy with the one I have now.
~Yea, that'll happen about the same time you grow up and change your mind, too!
~Sorry, I don't plan on growing up!
~And someday you'll get your head out of your ass. Good luck with that.

It's all worth it!

~Good! Then I'll never have to listen to you complain about your kids or parenting responsibilities again!
~What is this, a L'Oreal commercial?

You sound like a sad and bitter person!

~Hey, you're the one criticizing other people's life choices!
~I'll take sad and bitter if it means sleeping in on the weekends and having some peace and quiet at home! Sign me up!
~So what's your point?
~If you were so happy with your choices, you wouldn't be trying to make me feel bad by telling me I'm sad and bitter.
~If I am, at least I'm not passing my anger and bitterness on to the next generation like you are!
~That's "INTELLIGENT, sad and bitter." Get it right.

If everyone thought the way you did, the population would die out!

~Do you have any idea how many people there are on the planet right now?
~You do realize that after you die, it doesn't really matter, so if there are no people left, it really doesn't affect you, right?
~How is this a bad thing?
~And?

If your mom felt like you do, you wouldn't be here!

~No, but then you'd be arguing with her instead.
~Right now I'm kinda wishing YOUR mom had felt like I do.
~And I wouldn't have known the difference.

It's the most important job in the world!

~Then why aren't you out doing it?
~What about the guy who makes your disposable diapers and gigantic strollers -- you couldn't survive a day without him!
~Oh, yeah...the "Leader of the Free World" has nothing on YOU.

My kids are the best thing that ever happened to me.

~Wow, that's a sad commentary on your life.
~Gee, it's too bad you wasted all those years of your life being a child yourself since those years were just a waste of time until you got to your REAL purpose in life.
~I am greatly insulted by this. Have we achieved nothing in the last 90 years? Women can achieve just as much and more in almost all the venues men can. 1920 called and it wants you to come back to the dark ages.

You're not giving yourself much credit.

~Newsflash: Your kids are PEOPLE, not things.

You're being selfish!

~Oh, because creating a human being to amuse yourself ISN'T selfish.
~Jealous?
~How is not creating a child who won't be neglected selfish?
~I don't know, you're the one neglecting your kids while you waste time arguing with me. Some might argue that any time away from your kids is "selfish".
~And?

Children are the future!!

~Well, since most people seem to agree the future's fucked, why put them through the agony?
~That's a scary thought, since most of them are idiots who can't learn spelling or grammar.
~Thank you, Whitney Houston!

Nothing is better than 'new baby' smell!

~You mean the smell of vomit, urine, and feces?!
~You really need to get out more.
~Really? Let's see...umm...oh yeah...great, spontaneous sex that lasts for hours! (see "pitter-patter" answer for elaboration).
~I quite like "new car" smell myself. I suppose I could throw some diarreah and powder all over the seats. NAH.