Jam on my Bun

There it is...my breakfast this morning. Isn't that pretty? I mixed the raspberry and apricot jams. Oooh that tastes good!

Things have been fine. Not much I feel like writing about, can you tell? Have I mentioned lately that I hate Mondays? How original, I know but... Today especially sucks because I drank too much over the weekend. I've been so good, too. The beer was just too appetizing and I kept going for more. Now I'm terribly down and depressed. Poopies... Oh well, I'll get over it like I always do.

I've had some interesting dreams lately... Ones where I'm maintaining fish tanks that I actually remember maintaining in other dreams. Like the ten gallon I set up in my brothers room in one dream, the 50 gallon in my old room in another dream... I go back and visit them, take out the dead fish, feed them...it's rediculous. I have this one tank in these dreams, I think it's like 300 gallons or something, but it's got an entire room behind it that's dedicated to filtration. And the filter is such that it doesn't need any cleaning, only little red or yellow balls added to the system, depending on the water quality at that time. Weird...

Then there's the recurring dream I've been having for the past few months, the one where all the shit that's going down in the middle east actually moves over here...like they come on over and nuclear bomb California to get a point across. At one point I'm running home to see if our apartment is still there, the sky is purple and red, I can't find anyone I know... It's terrible and I've had it 4 times in the past 2 months. What is UP with that shit?

And the best disturbing and recurring dream is the one where Ron leaves me for a woman with toddlers...or one who is pregnant, or one who WANTS to get pregnant. Last night's was horribly depressing. I was crying and carrying on, begging him to stay and be child free with me...then I see him walking off into the sunset with a woman and her snot nosed toddler. Ugh...

I guess I've been having that last one a lot lately because of my feelings toward having a family. Feelings that are not new, but rather more grounded in my mind. Things on that front are okay though. Ron realizes how I feel about the subject and that's good. I've made an impression. Now it's just going to be sticking to my convictions and not feeling guilty about it. You know how it is, too... Say you decide to go on a diet and cut out ALL the sweets. Suddenly, all you see are people eating ice cream, brownies, candy... It's the same thing with me and kids lately. ALL I see are fucking families with toddlers and babies. I do not feel envious, just really left out. Like, why can't there be MORE people like me? Why does EVERYONE have to go that route? I feel guilty, like I'm supposed to want to do all this crap for my husbnad, I'm not supposed to even think about it. I'm s'posed to be the good, unselfish, family minded woman who just squirts out kids and hopes for the best.

NO.

NOT ME. I refuse...I want to keep my freedom! Is that so wrong? I'm just scared. I guess I can save it for my psych appointment this Friday. Time to do a check on the 'ol meds and see if I can find a couselor for us.
And that's about it. Time to go for now. Bye bye...