Fine fine fine

Monday morning sucks. I'm not having a good one. The old "Pit of Despair" is back, sitting in my gut right now. I can physically feel it pulling on my heart. An ache. A longing. To just get out of here. The monotany that is life. My thoughts race and I can't concentrate, my eyes well up with tears and I cry for a few minutes, I sit and stare into space...cycles over and over, not necessarily in that order. I hate these feelings.

My weekend was good, despite the fact that I am so down this morning. I got together with Melanie for baked artichokes on Friday night, which was fun. She's been in the process of moving into her boyfriends house these past few weeks. Ivan inherited a two bedroom house from his grandparents when they passed away. He was raised by them, mostly, as his parents had their own problems. So I got to see the progress of her moving on Friday.

Speaking of moving, I don't think I ever mentioned what's been going down. Melanie owns a one bedroom condo that she bought about five years ago. She was considering letting Ron and I rent or lease it from her because it's bigger than the little backhouse we're in now and we could still save money. She told us last week that she's decided to go ahead and sell it to pay off some of her bills. Poor thing deliberated over it a lot 'cause she knew it would disappointing to us. But I had a feeling it might turn out this way. We would have been able to save money, but I guess this is for the best. I remember living there with her for two months when I'd moved out of the ex's and was waiting for the back house to be ready... I didn't like a few things about it. Plus, entering a deal like this with my best friend makes me a little nervous.

So anyway, Friday night was good. I hadn't seen Melanie in a few weeks and enjoyed hanging out with her and Ivan. Ron didn't come 'cause he was tired and didn't feel like hearing Melanie and I squealing over artichokes. That's fine...I don't blame him! But when I saw all of Melanie's stuff in that big house, I couldn't help but feel a twinge of jealousy. I was really looking forward to moving into a bigger place. Ron would have been able to start sorting through his massive piles of stuff that his has in storage, I would have been able to set up my 55 gallon fish tank...we would have been able to spread out a little. I feel like we're never going to be able to afford to have a bigger place without really struggling. Rent is fucking INSANE over here. And I'm sick and TIRED of being crammed into this tiny house. But it's for the best.

Yea.

Saturday was Rons company picnic. It was at a gorgeous park with a lake. Your typical company shindig... Burgers an' dawgs, a raffle, games and six billion kids. Ron is older and he's just beginning (as of 3 years ago) as an electrician. He is an apprentice right now, next year is his last year of schooling. He works with a whole lotta youngins who think they're hot shit. Daddy or Uncle (the company owners) got them into the business. They still live at home and own huge trucks and boats. I got to meet some of them on Saturday. Well, the ones who were polite enough to actually introduce themselves, that is. Don't you just love standing there and feeling invisible while your friend/significant other blabs away with someone who doesn't even BOTHER to offer his name or ask yours? So much fun. I guess I shoulda exposed my titties.

The situation made me clam up...it reminded me a little of the times I'd go to work parties with my ex. A bunch of firemen...city, county and forestry (forestry firemen are lowest paid monkeys of the bunch, this is what my ex was and he was always kissing ASS to get in witht he big boys on the city or county) talking shop the WHOLE motherfucking time. "OOooh, sexy firemen!", you say. Being with my ex made me lose a lot of respect for firemen, lemme tell ya. Plus my uncle Tom, who passed away three years ago from lung cancer (of course), was an LA City Fire captain. So I've been around the lot of 'em. Don't get me wrong, I've still got respect for firemen, those who work hard...but many, many of them let their jobs go to their heads. That's how I felt about these guys. I guess it's due to my overall impression, I wasn't interested in talking to them at all. So I just sat there and smiled while Ron talked shop with them. Then Ron wanted to go play volleyball with them...I wasn't interested. I went off by myself to check out the lake for a bit. Found a huge snail shell, watched a crane eat, watched the duckies swim by. Much more relaxing than sitting at picnic tables with a bunch of strangers. Total social overload for someone who can't stand people.

Ron WAS cool through it all though. He was sweet and did introduce me, when he remembered. I had no qualms about his behavior that day. Overall it was a good time and we were only there for a total of about two and a half hours. Ron could tell I was a little down afterward so we stopped for some yummies and movies. He had also bought a DVD of Faith No More for us to watch. I really enjoyed watching that when we got home, helped cheer me up a lot! Heh...

Sunday was supposed to be the car show at the museum, but we decided to put that off for a bit because we wanted to go to a concert instead. Ron got us tickets to check out Anthrax, he hadn't seen them in about ten years. We were both very disappointed with the show. The drinks were more than a rip off, the opening bands were horrible (barking metal...NOT my thing at all) and Anthrax played like shit. AND we had your basic stringy-haired freak flinging his sweaty hair in front of us. I was lucky and didn't get hit with the delicate spray of sweat, most of it was caught by the large black man in front of me. Poor guy... We left the show early because we were bored out of our minds. Oh well, it was a concert experience for me. Though I really wish I could have gone to all the great shows that Ron got to see during 90s. He's always talking about how he saw Nirvana at this place, Mr. Bungle at another, Faith No More, PEARL JAM (have I told you I HATE him sometimes?), Alice in Chains, Soundgarden, Morrissey... *sigh*

That was my weekend and that' s all for now. I have to go pack shit. I don' wanna. All I wanna do is...you guessed it...go home and sleep. I'm bored out of my mind. I need a change. I need an adventure. It's too expensive... But I'm not doomed to this meager existence. I have faith that it'll get better.