New horizons

I'm moving right along in my pet sitting business venture. This is the first version of my logo. I'm getting some new graphics software tomorrow from my friend at the aquarium shop so I can color it a little better. He's going to put Adobe Fireworks on my little 'ol girl. I'm tired of Photoshop and I'd like to see what I can do with this in another program for a change. He's also going to help me build a website. I've got my domain name, too! I'll reveal that a little later in the process when things are a little more concrete. But it's a start to getting myself out there. The business cards will come a little later. A website is a better first step... Then I'll have the address on the cards! In' 'nat sumpthin'? Heh...

So I'm going to concentrate on exotics. Birds, reptiles, rodents, insects... Of course I'll offer services for dogs and cats, but my heart with the not so traditional pets. There aren't too many people willing to take your Boa for a weekend or read to your lonely cockatoo while you're on a business trip. Well, maybe there are... But I'd love to be one of them.

In other news, my marriage continues to improve. I don't know what it is... Maybe we just needed to hit rock bottom. I know it's never going to be easy, but I think we're picking up the tools to make this work a little better. And it's so true... In order to make a change in a relationship, or anywhere in life, you need to start with yourself. That's what I've done. I started with this anxiety I keep having over cleaning. I've finally realized that the clean police are not going to break down my door and drag me away to dirty jail for not vacuuming every day. The dishes can wait, too. Keeping up and doing them little by little helps, too. The main thing is that it's doesn't all HAVE to be done NOW. Ron doesn't even nag me. It's ME who keeps putting all this pressure on myself. I don't need it anymore.

That's it for an update. I've gotta eat din din now. Mmmm... Tuna Helper. I am SUCH a cook.

Feeling a little small...but fyne.

Well hi and a very late Happy New Year! Now I'm going to ask the inevitable... Is it ALREADY 2010?! What the hell happened to the last ten years?!

So things have been going fine lately. Just the usual. The first pet sitting job went great and I was invited back for the next week. I'm now working on my business card design and will hopefully have it printed by next week. I'm also psyching myself up to look at the vet tech/animal husbandry classes at some nearby *gulp* schools. I figure I need to strengthen my skills and it may as well be with the animals because I would like that to be my career.

Speaking of "career"... To the people who keep telling me how talented and wonderful my drawing is and how I should make that my main career goal, make cartoons, go into graphic art (BLAH), paint, sell, sell, sell because I could make so much more money at it! First of all, thank you very much for your confidence in my talent. HOWEVER. I am not interesed in making it a career. It is something that I used to love and it has become a major source of anxiety. I can't sit down and just draw for the joy of it anymore without a voice in my head telling me I missed the boat and should have done this for a living and that I'ma great big failure because everyone is always wondering WHY I didn't do my ART ART ART because I'm so TALENTED.

I'm working on making it enjoyable again and that's about all I can do right now. I know there are so many things I can do with art when it comes to making money. Really though, the market is flooded with artists. I've also gotten screwed a few times, which is inevitable when you're starting out. I know that sounds like an excuse but honestly, I'm just not interested in putting in the effort to make myself a known artist. Maybe some day I'll meet someone serious, someone who actually has the FUNDS to PAY ME for my work. Until then I will continue to work on not putting so much pressure on myself and loving it again like I used to. Also, I will NEVER, EVER, EVER, EEEVVVVERRRRR do ANYTHING FOR ANYONE without PAYMENT, FIRST AND FOREMOST!

No... I'm not bitter. I'm excited about figuring out the next step in doing something that I actually like as my everyday job. I know that I'll always have my art and I WILL be inspired again. It's never too late.

Other than that, things are just peachy. I can't believe how much Ron and my attitudes have changed in the past few months. I hope we can keep it up because we're doing well. We're finally communicating like adults. I expect some more pitfalls here and there, but I'm not going to let it get as bad as it did before. That's all for now. Maybe I'll be back sooner than three weeks next time...

Later!

I managed to make something

Here is the company Christmas card. Isn't that lovely? Every year I have to make one and this year was very difficult. But I managed. I'm not too thrilled with it but it's okay. I didn't want to spend too much time on it. Those are the same clouds I used in another picture I did a while back. I'm glad I kept that file because they were perfect for this.

Oh yes, I actually do have something somewhat exciting to report! I think I've figured out a way to make some extra money during this very difficult time. I'm going to start a pet sitting business. It's probably going to start with mostly dogs and cats but I'm eventually going to concentrate on exotics. Birds, fish tanks (salt n' fresh), reptiles, bugs, rats, mice, sugargliders, skunks, alligators... Whatever the hell people have 'cause I ain't afraid a nuthin'! I figure that if I want to get back into the pet industry that this is the best way to do it.

I haven't done any Christmas shopping at all. I just wish we could celebrate without all the cards, decorations and overall trash that this season produces. I'm so tired of trying to figure out what the fuck to get everyone. I guess it helps to have a better attitude, yea? Heh...

Speaking of gifts, I have a friend whose birthday is right around Christmas. She's always been a popular people pleaser so she's got many friends. Anyway, I received her Christmas/birthday 'wishlist' by email the other day. Handbags, accessories, gift cards, spa visits... It must be nice to have so many friends and family to expect this shit from. I guess that's why she runs herself ragged doing things with and for others. She's a very nice person, but a big drama queen who is constantly busy busy busy busy. Wanna hang out with her? Better make plans at least a week ahead of time. She also loves to be the center of attention. Every year there's a surprise party or a trip to Disneyland for the birthday. Then I get this list. I can't help but feel pretty damn insulted, but maybe that's just me. I mean, who the fuck does she think she is? A fucking celebrity?!

I guess I'm actually kind of irritated with her. We can never just have an impromptu hang out. She's always got somewhere to be, someone to visit, errands to run... Last night we finally saw each other. It had been several months. I'm glad she invited our other mutual friend because I thought it was just going to be the three of us and of course it wasn't. She had arranged to get together with some other friends from some job she had a few years ago. So we met up at some nasty dive bar and after three drinks and an hour of them talking about work and pretty much ignoring us, I'd had it and left. Mutual friend left about 20 minutes later, I found out, because they just kept talking about work. This friend has a tendancy to be rude like that. I don't think I'm gonna see her for a while. She doesn't have the time, anyway.

Well, I'm at work again and I need to concentrate. I'll be back next week...maybe before Christmas. Woop.

Later!

When are the Hellidays gonna be OVER?

Only two more weeks of this shit and we can get back to normal. I haven't even done any shopping yet. It's hard to think about shopping when my hours are going to be cut in half again come January. Not only that, my actual pay will be cut also. I suppose I deserve it for staying at this shitty job for so long and not having the courage or confidence to leave and try something else. I have a horrible work ethic and I really don't know what to do. I don't WANNA work, but I have to.

Everything is okay at home still. Trying to actually work on things instead of cry about how horrible it all is.

In other news, I continue to play stupid Fakebook games. That's about it. I have to get out of here now and go get my damn Christmas cards. Most people on my list are just getting a card. I've told them the same. No gifts, please! I'm so tired of the season mainly because of all the lame consumerism. It's bullshit and I won't deal with it. The end... For now...

Just LOOK at it!

Thank you to my lovely internet friend for this. You know who you are... I love it and had to send it to all my friends, especially my birdy friends. Look at that adorably detailed teeny tiny kitchen! AAA!!! I love miniatures and would love to collect some...if I had the room.

So yea, I'm still alive. I'm ashamed to admit that this place has taken a backseat to the mindless games on Fakebook. Well, they're just the current internet sensation to help me pass the day. Stupid time-wasters like 'Farmville', 'Fish World' and 'Cafe World' distract me from reality as well as provide me with pointless goals that make me feel productive. They actually have helped make me more productive at work, as they help me set a sort of schedule.

It goes kinda like this... Start task/project, check on farm, finish task, check on fish tank, go back to project put off last week, check cafe, do a little of project and put off again to check on fish tank. I know it's bad, but my productivity really isn't affected too much. I need something to distract myself with during the day or I'll go crazy. Lately it's been the stupid games because they keep me from thinking too much.

I've actually laid off going to that childfree site I used to frequent because it's one of the things that puts a negative spin on my thinking. I mean, it's okay to visit and let off steam, but I really don't want to think about it so much anymore. Especially THAT shit. So I don't want kids. So the fuck what. I have to turn it into a more positive thing and not make such a big deal about it. All it does is make me look insecure and angry and I want to get rid of those feelings. Well, I know I'll never be completely rid of them (maybe the insecurity if I'm lucky) but it does help to back off a bit.

Well tomorrow is another visit with the counselor with Ron. This will help decide our next course of action. Things have been okay and we're both in 'trying' mode again. I've also got plans in case things don't work. I've got alternatives, I just don't feel all the way ready to pick up and go right now. I'm scared, of course, but I cannot take one more fight like the one we had a few weeks ago. It's way too emotionally taxing. I'm just trying to keep myself together and be calm. But I'm not doing enough to help my depression. I guess I have to want to help myself rather than continue to feel bad. I wish I could dig this black spot out of my chest. For now I have to chip away at it the best I can by telling myself it's gonna be okay. It's not that bad...

Morningview

Gee whiz, could Incubus' album "Morningview" possibly be about the process of breaking up? Every song touched a nerve this morning as I listened to it while driving to work. Especially "Mexico"...

"You could see me reaching
So why couldn't you have
Met me halfway
You could see me bleeding
But you could not put
Pressure on the wound

You only think about yourself
You only think about yourself
You'd better bend before I go
On the first train to Mexico

You could see me breathing
But you still kept
Your hand over my mouth
You could feel me seething
But you just turned
Your nose up in the air

You only think about yourself
You only think about yourself
You'd better bend before I go
On the first train to Mexico

You only think about yourself
You only think about yourself
You'd better bend before I go
On the first train to Mexico"

Yea, still struggling with shit on the brain. Trying to figure out what to do next. Trying to get the nerve to help myself. It will happen. There is hope.

Would you like to see a true example of the resentment and frustration that has built up inside? It's a beautiful email I wrote to a friend this morning. Warning, my language is quite 'flowery'...

"Happy Wednesday to ya. I hope you're okay today. I'm at work today and have tomorrow off. I need to spill a coupla things to ya.

First thing...Ron broke the bottom drawer on the plastic storage 'dresser' thingie I have in the closet. He said he'd replace it, no problem. That was like five months ago. I found out this morning that what he actually meant was that I was supposed to buy it and he'd pay me for it.

This morning he asked about it, as he was doing his laundry and saw the broken thing, repeating that he had to 'replace' it. I told him he could probably get one at the CVS or Target. He then said that he thought I was going to do it.

Am I crazy/selfish/rude/lazy to expect him to get his lazy fucking ass to the store and replace it for me? For fucks sake? Since HE fucking broke it?! What kind of goddamn motherfucking husband is he?? He KNOWS I hate to shop! What the FUCK?! So yea, I get this attitude from him as I calmly ask if he could please just replace it, as in GO TO THE GODDAMN FUCKING STORE AND GET ONE. IS THAT TOO FUCKING MUCH TO ASK?!"

Ahem.

That wasn't the whole email, just the fun part. This is not going to work, folks. This is not respect.

And this is where you say, "We know, WE KNOW. WHEN are you going to DO something about it?"

When I get the courage.

Perseverence in the Face of Danger

Thank you all for your kind words. As always, I appreciate them so much. I'm glad I write out these feelings when they come on. It's good for me to see the repetitiveness of these nasty thoughts in writing. It makes me want to continue trying to help myself.

I had a good visit with the therapist yesterday and I've got some decisions I need to make. There's no rush though. I'm not going to overwhelm myself with worry right now. As usual I am going to take it day by day and tell myself it's all going to work out fine.

Now I have to finish this day at work. It will be over soon and it's time for Pilates with the coworkers. Yay!

Oh yea...and Happy Halloween. We're not doing anything, really. Just going to spend the day away from the house. Maybe catch a movie or two, check out a museum, go to dinner. Should be a nice weekend.

Later!

R.I.P Rosie spider

My seven year old tarantula, Rosie, died over the weekend. She was looking a little tired the past few months and not eating all of her crickets so I had a feeling she was either going to shed or die. I know it's just a bug, but she was very sweet for a big, hairy spider. We buried her in the planter downstairs from our apartment...said a few words and everything. We're going to miss her.

Well, it was a good weekend. Ron actually got up on Saturday and HELPED ME CLEAN. Yes, he didn't want yet another Sunday to be ruined by my stressing out over cleaning so he decided to start helping me on Saturday mornings so we can get it overwith and enjoy the rest of the weekend. It worked out nicely.

Other than that, I'm just trying to keep my mind out of this turmoil. You're so right, witty, I am still not completely hopeless. I have to try my best to relax, like I keep telling myself. Going to see the therapist on Thursday and he's told me to do the old pros and cons list, which I'm going to start working on tonight.

Oh yea...and work... It's slowed waaayyy down again and I'm afraid we'll be going on part time hours again. I suppose that's okay. I don't care. We'll see what happens. For now I'm just going to continue to do my job and get through the day again. I really hate Mondays.

No, it's not okay

"Sometimes you really don't, really don't, REALLY DON'T know what I mean..."

Right when I say I'm not gonna write. Here I am! Well, I feel like I've got to get this out and it feels better to do it digitally. It's also faster this way.

Things continue to be bad in my marriage. Denial has been rearing its ugly head for so long that it's beginning to trick me into thinking everything is okay. I know, deep down in my soul, that things ARE NOT OKAY. I AM NOT OKAY. The feeling that I'm circling the bowl is not normal. I am not supposed to be this uptight, this worried, this UNHAPPY in a marriage.

For the longest time now, we have lived as separate entities. He works at night and comes home late when I'm already in bed. I wake up early and leave while he's still sleeping. The weekends are a little different. We sleep in late, go out to eat breakfast, run errands, come home with a couple of movies and drink the night away. Sunday is more of the same, except I'm in the dreaded 'cleaning for the week' mood. Gotta get a few things done, the vacuuming, dusting, cleaning the bathroom, laundry. This disturbs the hell out of Ron, as he's trying to watch football. We've had the same argument over and over. He doesn't help me clean so I can get it done faster, no... He just complains and asks why I can't do it during the week. Sometimes the argument disintegrates into a fight. I end up crying hysterically. He gets angry and either leaves or ignores me. I continue with chores, maybe drink a little. He also starts to drink, to relax and comes around to comfort me.

He tells me everything is fine, everything is going to be okay. But it's not...

The reality is that we just don't understand each other. Sure, we share some similarities, that's the reason we got together in the first place. But those few likenesses are NOT enough to sustain a marriage. We were raised with completely different morals. Our families, friends and experiences have made us into who we are. Ron doesn't understand this, he doesn't take these things into account because they don't matter to him. I can't seem to explain it to him in the right way without him taking what I'm saying and twisting it with his own scewed ideals. An obvious problem is that he's never seen what a healthy marriage is supposed to be. Never. How can I expect him to understand?

The unhealthy pattern is taking hold. Something has GOT to change. One of us is not happy and that is one too many. Actually, he is really not happy either. I don't think he knows how to be. If it continues this way it is just going to get worse and worse, until I finally lose my mind. I've already lost so much of my hard earned self esteem.

So what is it going to take? I think a separation will help us. Naturally I'm scared to death and it may take a little while before I stop sitting on these here laurels...but the feeling is there. I can't go on like this on a permanent basis.

It's all in my mind

My self esteem is in the shitter. I caught myself having the usual bad thoughts again this morning. They usually go something like this:

~I'll never amount to anything
~I'm tired of life and don't have motivation to do anything about it.
~Why can't I get myself out of this downward spiral?
~I'll never amount to anything.
~My time has passed, I'm just going to get older and uglier from here on out.
~What am I waiting for? Fear and laziness hold me back.
~I'll never amount to anything.
~I can't continue this way or it'll just get worse and worse.
~It's too hard to change, I can't do it right now.
~I'll never amount to anything.
~I am weak.
~I am stupid.
~I am worthless.
~I want to get out of here but I don't know how, I'm stuck and it's my own fault.
~Everything worth doing is hard.
~I'm scared.
~I'll never amount to anything.

The power of these thoughts is all encompassing. The tools that will help me conquer this beast are right here, I just don't know how to use them. You know, I'm beginning to think I like this stupid struggle that I'm putting myself through... I wish I could stop. I feel so weak and pathetic.

That's all for now. I have to get through the day now.

A respite

In case you haven't noticed, I'm taking a break from blogging. I'll be back...not sure when. I might even move to a different site. I don't know. Life is going okay and I'm trying to keep myself out of trouble. I'm also continuing to write my feelings on paper and it helps. I just don't feel like sharing my shit on here lately is all. That's it for now. Later...

Just as I suspected...

As usual, I have forgiven Melanie, even though she didn't even know I was mad. Heh... Well, she invited me over for artichokes so I think she might have had an idea. But the reason for her odd behavior last week is indeed rooted in the turmoil she is experiencing lately. All the things she had started to build are crumbling down around her. First off, she lost her well-paying job last month and is now home and unemployed. Second, she has finally decided once and for all (I hope, I reeeally reeeally hope) to leave that pile of weird she's been dating and living with for the past 3 + years. He refuses to move to the next level and get married and have a family, which is what Melanie has always pictured herself doing. He also refuses to try to compromise and barely even talks to her. Every time she tries to bring it up it's, "Not now, this is not the right time." But she doesn't want to have to force him so she's given up. They're not in love anymore and just tolerate each other. Poor thing... Now she has the complicated task of finding a new place to live and moving out of a house that she'd been settling in.

The reason she'd said she was tired and just left that evening is because she hadn't slept in two days. She apologized for being such an airhead as to think she could actually exercise in that condition. I can't hold a grudge because I feel terrible for her. That pussy she lives with has done nothing but dissapoint her and now she has to start all over again. The good news is that she received plenty of severence pay from work and has enough to do some fun things for herself for a while. She's leaving next week for France to stay with her cousin for a month. She might even stay there for 6 months if her cousin doesn't decide to move to Cali, then they might get a place together. So she's got a bit of a plan in the works, which is great. I wish her luck and will help her during this very difficult time. She may be somewhat flakey, but she's really helped me in the past.

Who knows? She'll probably meet someone else, have a whirlwind romance and be pregnant by next year! Ugh... That'd be the first of my close friends to do such a thing, but if it's what she wants I have no choice but to be supportive. Besides, it'll be cool to be the weird/fun "auntie" to my good friend's kids. I think...

The whole thing makes me all the more glad I'm not chasing the same old life that everyone else seems to be. I found out last night that Melanie really does want the baby on her hip, dinner in the oven, laundry all over the house life. I just sat there and told her how much of the opposite I am. Then I sympathized with her because I feel very badly for her. I want her to be happy and I hope she finds it soon.

Enough about Melanie... How am I doing? Just fine, actually! I'm continuing to not overthink things. I'm also recognizing the triggers that start Ron and I fighting and at least half was me. Bitchy, angry 'ol me. I discovered that I've been so angry past months that it's ruining me. I've also discovered, once again, that meds work wonders when you remember to take them every day!

Alright, it's time to finish up and get outta here for my jog. Bye bye...

Not even a phone call

Okay, I really love my friend Melanie. Most of the time I understand what motivates her to do the things she does, just as she usually understands my motives. The events of the past couple of days, however, have hurt my feelings. I totally understand that she can be flakey, as can I, especially when we're going through the depressies. But shit, when we make tentative plans and she's gonna flake, she doesn't even bother to call.

Since Melanie is out of work at the moment and doesn't get home as late as she used to, we've been trying to get together for bike rides more often. On Wednesday we agreed to meet at my house at 5:30. It's a given that Melanie is always at least 15 - 30 minutes late so I didn't expect her there until sixish. I get home around 5:40 and call her again (I'd left a message on her home phone when I left work, her cell was off) and she tells me she's getting ready to leave. Okay, so it'll be about 20 or 30 more minutes...mind you, she's only 10 - 15 minutes away. I get my workout clothes on, do a few stretches and then sit in front of the t.v. to wait. For some reason I was watching that Tyler Somebody or Other meets the Browns. Ugh! What a fucking LAMEASS, horribly written, unbelieveably predictable poor excuse for a sitcom! But I sometimes like to watch this shit, just to piss myself off. And I wonder why I have issues... So 6:30 comes and goes, I'm thinking the usual, "Where the hell IS she??" and I try her cell to see if she's on the way. It's still off. No one answers the home phone so she must be on the way. By 6:50 I've had it. I want to get my exercising overwith. I hate working out late because it fucks my whole evening up. So I decide to grab the bike and do a few circles around the block while waiting because she's obviously on her way.

After one trip around the block I come around the corner to see her getting out of her truck. By this time it's probably a bit after 7. An HOUR AND A HALF past the time we'd originally agreed to meet. I say in a partially irritated, partially joking manner as I'm riding up, "I was beginning to think you rode your bike here. What happened?! I mean, an HOUR AND A HALF?!" She replies that she simply, "took her sweet-ass time", which is her M.O. but still, I ask (while smiling to lighten it up), "Not even a PHONE CALL?", to which she answers, "Oh well, you can go then, I'm just gonna go home. I ask why, what's wrong and say I don't understand why she wants to go after loading her bike up and driving all the way over. She says it's no problem, she's just tired and doesn't feel like going after all. Ooookay... We agreed to try again the next day (yesterday) and she asked me to give her a call again when I'm on my way home. Then I take off and get my damn exercise done. Alone. In the dark. Yay.

I call her after work yesterday and it's the same thing... Voicemail. Her phone is off. I leave a message on her home phone asking if she's still up for a ride, telling her it's okay if she's not, just gimme a call on my cell. There's no return call in the next 20 minutes as I head over to the fish store to get some tank stuff. While I'm at the fish store I decide to get another rock to add to my structure. I figure I may as well work on the tank because she's most likely going to flake. I get home by 6:20 and still no phone call to say that she won't make it. She just completely brushed me off. Isn't that nice?

After pissing and moaning about this to Ron and the walls, I realize that it's my good old passive aggressive nature that's made me the doormat again. Melanie knows she can brush me off and I won't do a thing. Why should I though? It's really not worth it to me... Well, it wasn't... Now I'm getting tired of it. She never returns phone calls and flakes on plans a whole helluva lot. But I'm not in much of a position to harp on her because I've been flakey, too. At least I CALL though. Ugh... Whatever. It's been two days of being pissy over this. It doesn't feel good to be brushed off. Good old Julie, she'll always be there if I don't have anything better to do. *HMPH* Fuck that. I'm gonna do it again, just not call her or give a shit. She'll come around when she does. It's really not a big deal I guess.

Wouldn't it be HEALTHY to think this way?

The noble mind wishing to benefit others is extremely fruitful. It is the principal source of happiness, courage,and success in life. When our minds are full of suspicion and ill will, we automatically feel that others think badly of us. These negative feelings colour all our relations with our fellow human beings. More often than not they lead to unhappiness. -The Dalai Lama



A common thought, as taken from a post on Fakebook. Don't go coloring your relations with negative thoughts now! That will ruin EVERything. Too bad this has become such a habit of mine...and many others.



Wow, I'm having a horrible time concentrating today. I'm slowly going through this pile of paid invoices, stamping them and filing them little by little as I do other things... Eat a little from my bowl of soggy cereal, sip the coffee, open a new document, call about a purchase order, check work email, check personal email, back to stamping and filing, prepare payroll, check my reminders, call boss back... Oh hell, I gotta call the boss back. I've also been trying to download pictures from my cell phone but the damn computer can't see the connection. I thought it got the stupid drivers! Ugh!

Okay, enough of a stupid entry for now. Damnit, I always think of so many interesting things to write about while on the way to work in the morning but I just can't get them out. It all disappears the minute I walk through the door. Oh well, I guess I'm not destined to be a writer because content always eludes me. Now I really have to go, the phone is ringing again. Maybe I'll be back with some pics if I can ever figure this damn phone out.

Later!

Medz

I forgot to mention my appointment this morning... It went well and I'm doing the right thing by keeping up the doctor visits and updates on the medication. Everything is going to be juuuuuusstt fiiiiine. Yea.

Yesteryear...Some old MS Paint Art

My dad sent these to me the other day. He found them on our old PC. I must have done these when I was twelve or so. Seeing these again was such a fun trip down memory lane. Ahhh, to be young, carefree and creative...



I love the names I chose for these things. "Kitfat"... Heh. Mkaayyy...



"Dragon Dude". Yes indeedy...



"The doggies", another perfect title for this work.



"Kitty n' things" works well for this one, doncha think?

I hope he finds some of my writings on there as well. In my days of typing practice, I wrote some pretty damn outlandish things. I used to love writing nonsense. Here's a typical example of the insanity,

As I flew through the night on a pin of tinkle, the wind curled into my belly button fuzz making it ripe for the taking.
I swallowed the peas and drank the cube juice as smoke billowed from my nostrils.
Tell the pink toilet that she doesn't need a shitfactor to continue. She can do it all on her pubescense.

Yes. I had the most fun making my brother, friend or whoever I happened to be around during these sudden bursts of crazy, read it back to me while I sat there and giggled like a loon. Such fond memories...

Now it's off to do another day of work and get my ass back to an exercise routine. I'm ashamed to admit the amount of food I ate yesterday during our little football get together. I'll just make it all better by going for a jog today. Maybe that'll get things moving and I can take a nice, cleansing crap when I get home. Wouldn't that be lovely? Bodily functions are a blessing.

Have a nyce day!

BOOO!

Just another quick update for a Friday. I have just been too lazy to write! Another weekend is upon us. Is it September already?? I'm so glad it's football season again, yet I can't believe it's already here. We're hoping to go to a sports bar on Sunday to kick off the season right.

Not much else going on. I'm just living life and continuing to not overthink and let things bug me *ahem* take my meds *cough* *ahem* Yea, seems I kept forgetting to take my pills. For the past three weeks or so I've made it an absolute point to take my pill at the SAME TIME every morning. It's helping...damnit. I'm going in for an eval on Monday so I can finally see an actual psychiatrist again. I always like to keep these things in check. I don't want to lose my mind. That would be bad. Ver' ver' baaaad.

Okay, once again work beckons. Boss isn't here today so I'm slacking a bit. I can't help it!

Trippin's good

In case you haven't noticed, I've continued to have a hard time banging out the entries in here. I'm taking a little break...

My trip to NY to visit Marguerite was wonderful. I didn't take too many pictures, though. I'm not too good at wielding the camera for all those special "moments". But I did get some great shots of Central Park. I'll post some when I get around to it some day. I also got to hang out with Rich and Devin, which was a blast. I took the lovely subway system from Queens to Brooklyn to hang out with the guys on Monday and Tuesday while Marguerite was at work. I really enjoyed those trains, it was so different having freedom without a car. It's amazing how dependent we've become on cars here in L.A.

I find that I really needed this trip, it helped me rearrange my head a little. It helped me realize that my number one concern right now should be learning to relax about life. I've been taking things way too seriously, overthinking them into the ground and sending myself out to that vacant, black sea. It's time to reel it in and stop fishing for blame in those murky depths of despair. I'm paddling back to the clear, blue waters...

Yea.

Meanwhile, the hills near my home are burning like crazy! The weather was so nice and mild when I left last week... I hated coming home to this awful heat wave and huge wildfires everywhere, but I guess it was coming. This is naturally a fuel fire. Not enough rain, but ample time for the underbrush to get nice n' big n' D-R-Y. We've gotten away with murder in terms of the summer weather this year. It's been so nice and mild most days... Anyway, I hope the weather starts to cooperate and they're able to get those wildfires back under control before more homes are lost. I don' lyke it! It's smellies an' yuckies!

Oh yes, and little update on Mickey bird. He's all fine and good healthwise, so I've started to let them all out together. The first day I let him out, the poor guy didn't have his bearings and flew into the ceiling fan, then the window, stunning himself in the process. That's a risk I take letting them be fully flighted... I've been lucky so far. I stroked his little head and put him back in the cage to recover for a bit. I figured I'd call the vet if he wasn't better in a few minutes. He was back to playing with the others within ten minutes. *Whew* After that he learned to maneuver quickly, though. Now he's following the others in circles around the livingroom almost flawlessly.

Well, we've gotten our container of goods in from Europe this week, I'd better get back to it. We've got more back orders to pack and items to count. Joy.

Later!

Mickey's arrival

I have little bit of cute, exciting news on the bird front this past weekend. Well, it's exciting to us bird/animal freaks anyway...



Before we left to grab some lunch on Saturday afternoon, I'd rolled my bird cages out onto the balcony for some sun and fresh air. Punkin' and Pickles the lovebirds have their own big cage and Toby the parrotlet has his own medium cage. I like to put them out every week or so to let them get a change of scenery while I clean the birdy area. This time it was imperative that I clean up some, due to our little ant infestation that morning. We'd gotten the lovely pestering cat awakening from Stanley and Henry that morning...the 7 a.m. whiney meows and jumping on and off the bed. So far the ants had only found the cat food and I wanted to keep it that way.


After lunch we picked up a few movies to watch when we got home. I fell asleep for a nap toward the end of the first movie and woke to Ron excitedly talking about a wild lovebird hanging out on top of Punkin' and Pickles' cage. I groggily walked outside and heard a familiar chirp in the distance. Then I saw him on the apartment roof across the driveway, a normal colored Peachfaced lovebird. It didn't take long for him to fly back over and land on the lovebird cage again. I could tell he'd been someone's pet, as he was pulling on the toys and climbing the cage bars with ease. Ron managed to snap a picture of him just chillin' on the top of the boy's house...







There he is sittin' on his little hauches, all fluffed up and tired.



He'd get very close at times, climbing over Toby's cage, flitting to the balcony railing... I tried to catch him with my hands a few times and that was just a joke. He'd fly, sometimes just out of my reach to other side of the balcony, sometimes across to the apartment roof. All the while Ron was cheering me on, telling me to do 'my birdy thing'. He thought the whole thing was so awesome, a 'wild bird' showing up our birds' calls. I don't think Ron would have let me keep this little guy if I'd have brought him home after I'd found him say, in the yard at work. But being witness to this random event he said enthusiastically, "You can keep him if you can catch him!" It didn't take me long to realize that this bird was just recently someone's pet. It was obvious that although he wasn't hand tame, he was somewhat used to people and the captive environment. I'd say he'd only been free for 24 hours at the most, as we'd never seen him before. Though I wonder if he could have flown a long distance...



Anyway, I did my birdy thing by setting up an extra cage with food, water and toys and placing it on top of the lovebird cage. It has two little doors, one at the top and one on the side. I also put out a little colorful wooden play gym, complete with ladders and bells, right next to the open side door, to further entice him. Then Ron and I watched and waited inside, just behind the door, ready to swing into action as soon as the time was right. Finally, as dusk approached we saw him hop into the cage to eat. I bolted out to close the doors and just like that, we've got a new flock member. We danced around thrilled that we'd saved the poor little guy from almost certain demise. Pet birds, especially the smaller ones, are no challenge to the crows and hawks that are all too common in our area, which is just below the nearby mountains. Of course, if we hear of someone looking for their lost bird we will return him... But somehow I don't think that'll be the case. To most people, it's "just a bird". SO...his name is Mickey. Hehe!



That night he ate and ate and continued to eat when we brought them all into the house a little while later. He's spent most of his time thus far on the highest perch, only coming down to eat. He's still frightened from the ordeal and being in a new place so he hasn't moved much or made any noise. I'm keeping him separated from the others for now, probably for about a month. I need to get him into the vet to be checked for any illness before I can allow him near the rest of the flock. I'll probably do that when I get home from my trip to New York next week...



Which brings me to my other news... I'm going to New York to visit my friend Marguerite! I'm leaving this Friday the 21st and staying until the 26th. Just a short little jaunt, but it'll be very fun. New York is a lovely place to visit and I'm excited to see my friend again. I haven't seen her in almost a year again. I'm also going to try to see my friends Rich and Devin. Devin is the one that Melanie and I went to visit in 2005. He had separated from his boyfriend, Rich, in 2004 when they were living together in California. They happend to be Melanie's ex-boyfriend's roommates and that's how we met them. We became pretty close friends with Devin and then he decided to go on an adventure to teach English in China for a few years. Well, that stint is now over and he's moving back to New York where they are both from. Once again he'll be living with Rich. Obviously they communicated here and there when Devin came for visits. Then Rich moved back to New York and Devin's following. I hope we can at least have dinner... Which reminds me, I need to email Rich and tell 'im I'm coming!



So life goes on... Having a new bird fly into my life is an interesting distraction. I continue to be passive aggressive in the way of my marriage. We're doing okay, but continue to bicker and fight over our communication problems. It's like we're living parallel lives instead of as a team. We're not working together on things, neither is trying...and neither wants to. One of the biggest problems is that I'm not getting the emotional support I need. Ron doesn't seem to understand what I need. He doesn't understand that telling me the way things are, telling me he knows everything, is NOT the way to get through to me. I know I need to do something but I'm terribly afraid and depressed about it. I keep putting it off... I've tried to explain but I guess I'm not doing it right. Then I don't feel like dealing with it so I ignore it.



Shit, I need to get to work again. I always do this... I don't know why I can't write at home. Back to work for me! Bye for now...

Illiteracy taken to a new level

This is an old one that I just recently became aware of. Just goes to show the wonders of the internetz never cease.

As featured on somethingawful.com, a gem from the site, "Yahoo Answers". A question and answer site, it is meant to stimulate the curious mind. Ah, but ends up doing anything than that, thanks to all the weirdos, idiots and time-wasters that clog the lines. All it ends up being is yet another ignorant corner of the net, where mostly teenagers banter in their native stupid text-speak. One beautiful example of illiteracy found on the site was made into a flash cartoon that this particular 'net weirdo needs to stop repeating before she drives her husband nuts. Warning, it loops...

http://www.somethingawful.com/flash/shmorky/babby.swf

I think it made me stupid just watching the thing again, as I could NOT make the damn link work no matter how hard I tried. Well, it wasn't that hard, considering I'm now completely out of coffee time to work on this lame shit. I must go do my job. Damnit.