Well, shit...they DIDN'T like it!

Heh. Just got a disturbing email from the lovely colorist who joined us for the book project... The three of us had gotten together this past Sunday, as she had finished coloring the last drawing and had put them together in the book. *Dude who wrote the book* was to take the finished product to our investors. The email reads as follows:

"Hey girl ... just wanted you to give me a call or email me when you get the 'letter' from *dude who wrote the book*. Am kind of shocked and not sure about what I'm going to say to *dude who wrote the book*. Humm. Basically our investors (*dude who wrote the book's* mom and brother) don't like our character ... many reasons why, which means all those pictures are useless. *Dude who wrote the book's* letter didn't indicate that he disagreed with them. What are your thoughts?"

My thoughts? Well, my very first thoughts were, of course... WHAT THE FUCK, DUDE??! DIDN'T YOU SHOW THE FUCKING CHARACTER AND PROGRESSIVE DRAWINGS TO OUR FUCKING INVESTORS? YOU FUCKING JERK-OFF?! I know...how quickly I can go from, "What a sweet man." to "WHAT A FUCKING IDIOT!"

Now that I've calmed down (told my mom and Ron about it) I'm thinking I'd better get my drawings back from shithead. Yea, this is the guy that I'd decided I didn't want to work with, and then changed my mind. This was in October '07. Here's a blurb from an entry from back then...

"As for the art project I bitched about last week? I'm still gonna do it. Bottom line is that I have to finish what I start. And the drawings are coming out so well. I made it clear to the guy that I was pissed and disappointed though. I told him that I would still like someone to help us, preferably a professional who has dealt with this shit before. He's found someone and we're going to meet up again in a few weeks. In the meantime, I will do my drawings. What can it hurt?"

Oh, come now... It can't hurt anything! But my already fragile ego! Oh well, this shit happens all the time in the freelance art world. I'm going to call colorist woman tonight (she's actually really cool, I think I may have made a new friend) and figure out how we're going to get our work back. What have I learned? NO MORE DRAWINGS FOR FREE. From now on it's, "HEY ASSHOLE, I'M A SKILLED ARTIST. MY WORK TAKES TIME. YOU ARE NOT GOING TO GET IT FOR FREE. PAY ME WHAT I'M WORTH YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT!"

Ahhh, another of life's little lessons. I'm going to get up, dust myself off and continue to do my artwork. Just because some people don't like it, means nothing...except for when they're the ones funding the whole thing. Fuck. I guess I sorta knew this would happen. At least I was productive. And I don't care what they think, many people love my drawings so they can go ahead and fuck off. After they give me my hard work back, that is...

Ambivalence

Hi bloggie-blog. This week is going pretty well. I discovered this site and it has helped me immensely. Ya see, I'm not crazy. I just have to get rid of my rediculous fear of the unknown. I've got to choose not to be afraid anymore. I'm not afraid of never having children. I've always been a bit ambivalent on the subject and just assumed I would some day be a mother. Well, ya know what? That very well might not happen and I'm really okay with it. Even if my husband does not want to stay with me because of it, I understand...won't make it any easier to go through but hell. I'm NOT going to do something like that unless every fiber of my being is yelling at me to do so. Right now, every one of those little fibers are yelling at me NOT TO.

I had another talk with Ron over the weekend. It was messy and emotional but helped a whole lot. I needed to get this out to him. I just have to be able to do it without having an anxiety attack and scaring the holy hell out of my hubby in the process.

So here are a couple of my posts so far, to explain what's been rattling around in my tin can brain...

"Hi everyone, I'm new here...

So lately I've been thinking...I mean REALLY THINKING...about whether or not I want kids. It's starting to look like I really don't want them. My problem is my husband. He's 9 years older than me...gonna be 40 next year and it's starting to look like he wants at least one kid. I, on the other hand, have been coming to the realization that raising a child really isn't my thing. It's not that I don't like children, I really do enjoy the sweet ones. But I enjoy pets and animals so much more. They alleviate that womanly urge to "take care of something".

We talked about it some before we got married (we had a year together and a year engagement, not very long) and it was always a maybe... Lately he tells me it's okay, to take my time, but he really wants to be a father. *sigh* I've just kinda nodded my head...

I know, I'm very afraid to tell him... A few weeks ago was the last time he said it and that was when I'd tearily told him I didn't want kids. He started in with the ammunition...the "Oh, you'll be a great mom, look how well you do with your zoo of pets." and the dreaded, "I want a little girl that's just like you..." Oh and don't forget the, "I'll shape up and help more, don't worry.." Yea right.

So, this is my first step. Exploring. Then of course there will be therapy, nothing I'm not used to. I'm another one on drugs for anxiety and depression and have been going to therapy on and off since I was 12. It's in the family, both sides. Two of my cousins have it pretty bad. One of them is childless and living in Vegas with her hubby and chihuahuas. I guess another step would be to talk to her..."

Then post number two...

"Hey guys,

Thanks SO MUCH for all of the wonderful feedback. Yes, Kimmie, I am well aware of all the things that I will have to do if we have a kid. The thought of all that drugery makes me ill. I mean, I had a pretty good childhood, my parents provided well for my brothers and I. But I also had a very depressing childhood in that I hated school and so many of my peers where such @ssholes. I really don't want to watch my child go through all of that pain.

So I had to bring it up to hubby again this weekend... Lemme tell ya, it was not pretty. We got through it, but it was kinda hellish... I ended up freaking hubby out pretty badly when I had that anxiety attack in the car. This was after he told me to go ahead and have the kid and he'd raise it. WHAT?! I couldn't even speak and the tears started rolling... That's my problem, I get SO HYSTERICAL sometimes...

After the fiasco of emotions that was this weekend, I am still left with the conclusion that kids aren't happening any time soon, if at all. I love my husband very much, but in all honesty, I'm not sure if this marriage is gonna make it. We have many things to work through and a counselor is probably going to enter the picture sooner or later. I also admit that I ignored many the red flag when it comes to my choice in a hubby. But I made my decision to marry him and I'm going to do all I can to make this marriage work. And if it doesn't? I'd rather have a shred of sanity left, and no children to support, thank you.

First thing to work on? My self worth. Hubby tells me I'm SO AMAZING in SO many ways and how on earth can I doubt myself like I do? Well,as you have all said, I don't think he's seeing the big picture here. He's very focused on the "script". The foresaken picket fence... So I'm gonna work on being confident in life and around hubby. I need to show him that I am able to make a decision and stick to it. If he don't like it, as painful as it is, he can lump it. I know he loves me, too...he did say, during all our up and down emotional fighting this weekend, that he would stay with me no matter what. However, those are just words. He could resent me terribly for it. But that is really his problem, now isn't it?

All I know is that my marriage, as it stands, IS NOT healthy enough to sustain a child. My gut is screaming NOOOO!!!!!!! So I will continue on with cofidence and work on my marriage, first and foremost. If kids never happen, I don't care. I really don't mind being the "weird aunt" with all the pets. I was always different anyway...

Thanks again, guys. I'll be back."

Yea... Their responses and all of the other reading I've been doing has really helped me form an opinion. Now it's just time to RELAX and work on things. Everything is going to be fine. I only have to believe in myself because I'M the only one I have.

Do you think they'll get the point?

Probably not...but we put a lotta stuffing around that very expensive and fragile item. Always gotta take the precaution 'cause this box will most likely be drop-kicked from truck to truck...aaaaallll the way to Pennsylvania.

So... I was thinking of switching blogs, but then decided against it. I think I'ma stay here for a while longer. I just changed my colors and that's about it. I think I'll do another "about me" and link it again. Maybe a little later. I had to post this real quick 'cause we just got done packing this thing... I hope it makes it. Ya think?

Okay, back to work!

...or I can go ahead and tell myself...

...like I do every day. It's gonna be fine. Of course I've calmed down since yesterday. I'm trying not to think negative thoughts. Don't pull myself into a depression... Instead, I should express myself in a positive way. Right, Mike? Right. I've started by drawing many silly little Peabirds on things... Flipped the page on the new desk calendar at the reception desk and doodled a buncha Peabirds doing various things, took a message for the boss with a Peabird in one corner of the page and there are Peabirds running up and down this purchase order I have in front of me.



Oh... This is a Peabird...



A birdy from my childhood imagination. That's when Tady finally made it onto a cartoon cell... I'd gotten a tablet of cells from an artist friend and HAD to try them. You know, everyone wants me to animate these little guys. But, I don't like what animation's become. That's another entry for another day.



So...I've been thinking (what ELSE is new??) and I figured out one thing that I really need...to express myself. To make myself heard, but in a positive way. That's the thing I need to fix, I have to stop being so negative all the time. Lean toward my silly, who-cares-what-you-think-I'M-gonna-do-it-anyway side. Ron always complains that I tend to get LOUD IN PUBLIC. Almost every time we go out to eat (which is a lot lately, says my little pot belly), I feel the need to loudly express how I'm feeling about...whatever...usually something negative about a particular person or situation. Whatever happens to be blowing my whistle at that particular moment.


"OH my gawd...LOOK at her HAIR!"


"What the HELL is that guy driving?!"


"What a LAME tattoo."


"GAWD I hate screaming babies!"


"Ooooh! I just dropped a green pepper down my boobhole!"


"Shit! I'm drooling all over the place!"


"Son of a fucking bitch!"


Yea. I'ma total potty mouth in public, too. Love hate and hate everything else. That's what Ron tells me.


*sigh*


I HATE it when he says that.


OYE. UGH.


But I really think these little outbursts stem from an innate need to be heard. I'm in constant need of validation. I'm still so usure of myself. Ron constantly tells me that I should be proud of myself, that I'm such an amazing person. It's great that my hubby thinks of me that way, but I feel so...so...in the backround. So many others are doing this same thing right now, I'm sure. I've read it. Do you know how many billions of other depressed women are out there, writing about their struggles on the internet? They're all getting it out of their systems. I need to get this outta mine.


Starving for attention. I feel stuck between being outgoing and being withdrawn. I hate all the popular crap out here, yet I don't strive to make my own...crap. I have so much talent and I feel like it's just sitting here because I'm SO AFRAID to get out there and express it.


"What if they don't like it?"


"What if it's been done before?"


"What if no one cares?"


Stupid, insignificant things that hold me back. I don't think I'm content being a regular person with all the regular, run of the mill bullshit that fills a regular persons day. rEgULar. Boring. But if you're bored, then you ARE BORING. Naw. That's not it. Oh, but be happy and count your blessings! OH BUT I HAVE.


What do I need to do to stop being so afraid? The constant fear is going to keep me from becoming the person I want to be... I want to be recognized and live a financially comfortable life. I don't want to be rich to the point of obscenity, just comfortable and able to do the things that make me happy. I want to fulfilled, find my niche.

Shit. Boss just called, she's on her way back to the office. I'd better get on the things I need to do. She's leaving tomorrow to take her niece to Hawii. I'm not afraid to express the fact that I AM SO FUCKING JEALOUS. Okay, keep telling myself she deserves it, she works her ass off, she's driven...things I'm not. But I COULD BE. AAAAAHHHH!!!!


Over and out...

What a bitch

It's the bruthas kitty, in the window on a lovely day.  Henry is on the right.  He's gettin' BIG.  I can tell them apart by their faces though.  And Stan's "baggage" floppy tummy.  Cute little kitty kattuses.

So yea, that last entry was kinda bitchy huh.  I'm not feeling so great these days.  Too much on my mind again.  I'm feeling way too much lately.  The same shit that I hate to admit feeling because I do it to myself over and over again.  This stupid feeling of inadequacy.  Like I'm not doing enough, like I should be more than what I am.  This damn unhappiness with the person I am.  WHY can't I love myself?  I still don't believe in myself.  I feel destined for failure and that's just WRONG.

What I have to do is use this stupid blog to write down what I want in life.  Why aren't I happy?  This is supposed to be for myself, but why not share it with the planet?  Seeing as I'm feeling so desperate to be heard by more people.  I just want to be heard.  I just want more people to care.  WHY?  WHY do I feel so alone???

Okay, so let's start a list shall we?  What do I want?

1. A happy, healthy marriage - I'm not feeling very healthy in my marriage lately.  Lots of drinking by both of us.  Lots of denial.  Lots of expecting things from each other and not getting them. 

  

2. A home, I don't care if it's small...just...something that's ours.  It's coming, I know.  We're working on it.

3. To go somewhere new.  I don't know.  I keep saying I want to move somewhere else, but then I'm petrified of leaving my "support system" ...the few friends I have and my family.  I need my mommy and daddy to be close.  I love them and I don't want to move too far away.  But at the same time I have this urge to get the HELL OUTTA L.A.

4. To stop being afraid.  I'm so tired of being afraid of everything.  I feel so perpetually STUCK.  I should do this and I should do that to get out of this rut.   I know what this and that is.  I just don't wanna do it.

5. For it to be okay if I decide I don't want to have kids.  I'm so worried about this decision.  I know it's up to me, but Ron wants them and I don't want to disappoint him.  He tells me it's okay, to take my time, but he wants to be a dad.  WHY?  What if I don't wanna?  What if I never wanna?  What if it doesn't make me happy?  What if I'm just a lazy, no good, selfish person who doesn't want to deal with kids?!  What if I just want to surround myself in my own little "jungle room" with birds and fish tanks?  Will Ron leave me?!

Okay, so the list isn't working.  Lists are for motivated, happy, I-can-get-through-anything 'cause-I'm-tough-as-nails type of people like my boss.   Oh but wait, that's just a cop-out isn't it?  I can do it, too, I just have to BELIEVE in myself and be positive and give of myself and all that shit.  

That's all for now.  Somebody, please email me.  I'm so lonely.  Please?  Somebody just tell me it's gonna be okay.

Bikini shopping SUCKS...and so do ugly bratty kids at fireworks shows

Hi. I hate shopping. I hate grocery shopping, shoe shopping, clothes shopping, tire shopping and any other kind of shopping that is frequently required and involves certain amounts of bargain hunting. I'm terrible at bargain shopping...if it's taking too long to find a particular item, I'm guarateed to pick up the most expensive option. I just don't have the patience for it.



Sunday we went to the beach. We wanted to ring in the summer with a nice boogie board/swim in the ocean session. I'm putting on my old standby blue and brown floral bikini. I'm tired of it and had purchased a new one in Cancun, however I lost the bottom of that lovely set at the stupid laudromat. So it's the standby or the hideous old-lady one piece. I'm not ready for that yet. Ron says, "How 'bout we buy you a new bikini?" OH-KAY HUNN-EEE!! Little did I know the frustration to come...



Sports Chalet, Mervyns, JCPenny and three trendy (two of them by the gloomy beach) shops later, I end up with a way too expensive and too small bikini. What the hell is wrong with me?! Anyway, I'm gonna make the best of it. It was the last plain, black bikini they had. The only one I really liked all day. I was looking for something plain and simple in a solid blue, red or black that would stay on while swimming in the ocean. I swear, do these buyers get all of their stock from the same damn manufacturer?! It seemed like I had all the same choices at all of those places! I even saw the exact same design...this horrible white and brown thing with little brown hearts all over it. BROWN HEARTS? EEW! Then there were the ones that looked like a fiesta threw up on them...all these horrible colors mixed together...yellow, brown, red, blue, green, turquiose in designs that made my eyes cross. And if I DID manage to find something in a solid color, it would have all these stupid damn bows, rings, ruffles and shit all over it. I couldn't even figure out how to get one of the stringy messes off the hanger! I ain't no waif, so string bikini's do not work for me at all. I like to cover my butt cheeks. I found the one I ended up buying at a shop near home. They were having a "sale" so I was able to get an alternative bottom. The top works fine and is plain black so I'm thinking of going back for a nice pair of black and/or red board shorts. And that's IT for bikini shopping. YUCK.



The beach was gross. Holiday weekends at the beach are complete shit. Not only was it crowded as hell, it was also cold and gloomy. One of those days where it's lovely and just a little hazy inland, but once you're three blocks from the beach the thick marine layer rolls in. As I mentioned in the river entry, now that I'm older, it takes a bit more to get used to freezing ass water. So freezing ass water and gloomy ass day means my ass ain't touchin' the water. Damnit. I really miss swimming again. *sigh* Maybe next week.



So that was my Sunday. The rest of the weekend was a little cleaning and a lot of lazy. Friday's public fire works show was okay. The downside was having to show up two hours before the show and sit through the boring bands and patriotic crap. I swear, all those people throwing flags around and shit...I know it takes a lot of effort and all but...all the routines started to look exactly the same after a while. Then there was the little butterball kid, his ugly sister and their whale of a crappy mom sitting next to us.



Little Pig - "NOoOooOooo...MOOMMYYY...NOOOooOOo!"

Little Miss Pig - "NOOoOooo!!! I wannn' it!"

Little Pig and Miss Pig in unsion - "WHAAAHHHHH!" (I swear, they were crying in a painful harmony)

Mommy Pig - "Be quiet or we're going home!"



Yea right. Nothing says discipline like empty threats. I hoped for the best, but they didn't move. So it was Mommy Pig, Grandma Pig and the nasty piglets, who squirmed and bitched and kicked and whined throughout the entire pre-show. I wanted to eviscerate that ugly little shit. When it was almost time to start the damn fireworks show we came to see, there was a sudden influx of parents and kids into our section. I couldn't take it anymore and grabbed Ron so we could head over to the next section they'd decided to open up 10 minutes before the fireworks. We had to leave his poor mom and grandpa to deal with the piggy family.



The show, when it FINALLY came on, was interesting. I always find it fun, and kinda scarey, when we're right in front of a fireworks show. I fear the things are gonna explode prematurely...like they'll get halfway up to where they're supposed to explode...say 500 ft instead of 1000 and BOOOM! There you go. Along with the rest of the crowd. Bloody bits all over the stands. MMmmm... Yea, the show was good but afterward...ugh... Ron's grandpa came with us, right? Well, we'd decided to take a cab to maybe make things a little easier with gramps being handicapped and all. Cab worked out all fine and good when we got there, he dropped us off right at the entrance. But getting out of that hellhole? Not so easy. They wouldn't let cabs in until the majority of the crowd cleared. That means we were either stranded or we had to walk grandpa pace all the way to where our cab was parked, 6 blocks away. Yea, see...we didn't know they wouldn't allow cabs in after the show. We found out that little useful tidbit AFTER the show...after grandpa had already tripped and skinned both his knees. A walk that should have taken 15 minutes tops, took us 50 minutes. Never. Again. And I hope Rons mom complained like she said she was gonna. What kind of public place doesn't provide for the handicapped? Not even the cops helped us out!



And that's it. My three day weekend. Now it's Tuesday again already. And the end of another entry. I gotta go. Bye bye.

This time it's not a charm

Okay, I've tried to fix that damn link THREE times now and it won't work. The entry I refer to in the first paragraph is the orange one from a few weeks ago called "Gettin' the hell outta here..." GAWD. I don't get it. Oh well. I gotta eat.

A little perspective

Whuddya know... The minute I resolve that I am going to move on from a relationship, as I stated at the end of this little entry. M called outta the blue last night. Just her style. She keeps odd hours over there in New York and called my cell at around 9:30.

Despite the touch of anger and hurt I still had, I was very happy to hear from her. I was right, she was still a little bent out of shape over the fact that I did not involve her in my wedding at all. Of course I empathize, I'm good at it. I always try to see where that person is coming from...before I give up on them completely or resolve to dislike them. She was upset because she still considers me as one of her closest friends. To not be involved in any of the details of my wedding made her feel very left out. I apologized and explained again, that I felt she was just too far away... Maybe I should have made a little more effort to involve her. Now that all is said and done, I'm so glad she got over it and told me how she was feeling. Yay! We can move on!

Oh...and Ron reminded me of something the other night. If you recall my little snark toward the pregnant bride a couple entries ago... Well he reminded me of what she said to us at the wedding, that it was our wedding that inspired her to get married. Yea, that's a sweet thing to say to a couple. Apparently I was so out of sorts that night, I didn't care to notice all of Rons work friends staring and pointing at us, making comments about how cute we are together. There's that perspective thing again. What a difference perspective makes, eh?

Okay, well it's the day before the fourth, so I had to color this entry accordingly... Even though I'm not too terribly proud to be an American right now. Anyway, don't light yourselves on fire. Late.

Touched...

Whilst avoiding the tedious work ahead, I thought of something I forgot to mention about the funeral...

At the end of the service we were ushered from the back toward the altar, where the deceased lay in the (*gulp*) open casket. We would pay our respects and exit to the side. I made my way up the line, trying to decide whether or not I wanted to say goodbye to an embalmers restorative art. Then I got to Henry, the brother of the deceased. The look on his face when he saw me was one of the sweetest I'd ever seen. His large, blue, bloodshot eyes instantly filled with tears as he let out a little "oh" and opened his arms to give me a hug. Of course this made my heart plummet and my eyes run over with tears as I hugged him. He was genuinely touched that I was there and it made me feel all warm and fluffy in muh heart. Yea.

I did go up to the casket and say goodbye to Horace. He didn't look half bad, they'd done a nice job of presenting him in a relaxed state. I actually sidetracked and read a little about an embalmers job while in the middle of writing this. Wow...what a job. For only those special people out there. Yea. Thanks a lot, fellas. Really.

SO.

That's it. End of story. I'm 'on get over it now. Time to move on with life. Some of us were even talking about another camping trip at the house after the funeral. Maybe even to the river. I know it's cliche, but really...Horace would have wanted it that way. Get over it and keep grabbing life by the balls. Besides, it's still a beautiful, peaceful place. I do believe I've learned the lesson I was supposed to from all this. We'll be taking a rope and/or floating device with us on future trips to rivers known for their dangerous currents. Uh-huh. Yea.

Okay, seriously. Enough doodling on the internet. No, Ron honey. I DO work at work. I totally don't blog all day. Totally. I'm SO working, man. Working my ass off. Where's the fax machine? Gimme some WORK.

Bye.

A Sad Goodbye and a Pregnant Bride

*whew*

What a weekend... I've never attended both a funeral and wedding within 48 hours. Very interesting, I must say. There's a range of emotions, especially magnified when one is suffering from PMS. No, it's not an excuse...it is very real. I think I might need to change my pills because I've never had such strong symptoms.

Awww...thanks very much for all of your condolences, ya'll 'er sweet. What a tough week, one of the longest I've ever experienced. The funeral was on Saturday and I went with Melanie and her boyfriend. It the was the catharsis I needed. The service was held at a lovely local funeral home in a church atop a hill. The place was surrounded by trees and dappled sunlight. Such a relaxing and beautiful atmosphere, not to mention perfect weather. There was a slideshow of his life at the beginning, pictures from his life, his family and friends... He was only 53. He didn't have any children of his own, but many nieces and nephews that adored him. Not surprisingly he was considered the "fun" uncle. No shit. Near the end of the slide show were pictures from that last day of his life. There was even video. I didn't realize someone was filming me that mornig as I walked around with no bra in my ratty t-shirt and shorts. Ah...but such are the joys of camping. Anyway, those scenes naturally brought on the water works. Good thing Melanie thought ahead (as always) and brought some napkins. The following service was wonderful, and it was great to see so many friends and family come up to the mic and say a few words.

He was laid to rest next to other family members, under a huge evergreen on the side of a hill. A very steep hill. The balls of my feet got a workout that day. Then we headed to his house to celebrate his crazy life, as he would have wanted it. This means there was lots of booze. I was a good girl though, made sure not to get plastered. Everyone who was camping with us was at the funeral and the house. I enjoyed hanging out with them again. It was kind of like finishing what we had started that weekend.

I still have this sad feeling in my gut though... Like... I don't know. It's weird, I just have to get over it. In all my swirling emotions and PMS, it doesn't help that my new favorite music at the moment reminds me of that weekend. I had downloaded and gotten very into it before we left. I didn't want to risk bringing the ipod along since I'm still feeling the sting from the other one being stolen...so I had this music in my head the entire weekend. I attach tons of emotion to music so now every time I hear it I get this bittersweet feeling... But I like it. I can't explain it. Anyway, it'll pass.

Then there was the wedding. Rons friend Jay from work. Nice enough guy, don't know him too well. He and his fiance came to our wedding...I guess before they were engaged. I'm really not too crazy about weddings...not even my own. As I recall, I just wanted to get all the hubub OVERWITH. As simple elegant as possible without spending way too much money. I enjoyed it very much but I can say never, ever again. Weddings don't mean as much as they used to. This one was nice though. At the top of a mountain at a ranch. There was a waterfall, lots of trees with pretty lights hanging from them, their initials in flowers on the side of the hill...

It looked like there were a lot of chicks involved. A lot of chicks with tattoos. They're so common now. I'm getting kind of tired of seeing them, actually. I mean, I know I have them but shit...at least they're slightly inconspicuous. Some of these girls had these huge things on the backs of their calves, on their thighs, traling from their shoulders to their elbows... One even had a tattoo on the back of her neck and behind her ear! I'm sorry but, EW. I finally got a closer look of the neck tat later on and realized it was a heart with a pair of scissors cutting through it. GROSS. How fucking immature can you get?! Yes, someone broke your heart...MUST you post it on your NECK? UGH. I couldn't get close enough to see what was behind her ear. But I'm so sure those things are gonna look killer when she's 60.

Okay, so I remember Ron telling me about how Jay got this girl knocked up at the beginning of their relationship and that she already had another kid from a previous relationship. I also remember Ron telling me that her engagement ring cost $8,000. Those things kinda made me sick. Then I remember Ron telling me she lost the kid. That kinda made me sad. Fast forward to the wedding, and there's the beautiful bride (she really did look beautiful, few brides don't) walking up the isle in a dress that sorta makes her look pregnant. Is she pregnant?! HUH? Turns out she's 7 months, according to the drunken new sister-in-law who yelled it out during her speech.

*sigh*

I guess that's they way things are now. I mean, my own sister-in-law was two months along when they got married 15 years ago. They were 21 and 22. They're still together, but that's a rarity these days. It's depressing. I'm so tired of people bringing children into the mix so soon. But I have to remember, not everyone is the same. Not everyone is afraid to have children, like I am. That's the thing that's been bothering me. AGAIN. I can't get it out of my head. And last night I was terribly emotional and wanted so badly to go home and stop having to pretend I was interested in what was going on. But not until after we ate, of course. Mmmmm...prime rib...beer...wine... Still didn't want to be around those people. Then I started getting down on myself for not wanting to give Ron a child right now. I'm just not ready. WE'RE not ready. And that's OKAY. I have to get that through my curly head. I feel left out though. Like, I should have already done it by now. Like, WHY don't I want to? Why can't I get over this? I have to stop thinking about it so much. DUH. THAT'S why I can't get over it. And it's not easy to get over when I'm constantly hearing or reading about pregnancies...many of which are in unhealthy situations. It's frightening how many men out there have "two families". It's sickening.

I can't keep thinking about it like I do. I'm becoming far too bitter about the whole thing. It'll happen if it's gonna and that's it. I can't let my stupid insecurity do this to me. I've still got this insecurity and I know that's what makes me very bitter and angry sometimes. Like, I constantly compare myself when there really IS NO COMPARISON. I need to go jog now. Maybe that'll put me in a better, not quite so "blah" mood. It IS a gorgeous day out.

You never think it could happen to you...

And then, just like that...tragedy strikes. I'm not doin' too well today. Ya see, my vacation started out all well and good, but things took quite a turn on Saturday.



Thursday was fun. It was nice to spend the morning with Ron. Then I met up with Melanie and Tyra for lunch, something I never get to do because I work too far away and only have a half hour for lunch. I picked up food on the way, picked them up from work and we headed to a nearby park for a leisurely summer lunch. We ate and chatted at a picnic table, in the shade of a lovely tree. Ahhhh...



After I dropped them back at work, I headed for the aquarium shop to pick up my chiller. I thought only cold water tanks, or tanks with tons of lighting needed chillers. Turns out that even the tropical reef fish need cooler temps. They don't do well with temps in the 80's all the time. It's best for the fish to have temps at roughly 72 ~ 78 degrees. Makes sense though. Just think about how big and deep the ocean is, compared to the lakes and streams freshwater fish come from. There are all sorts of factors that affect the much more sensitive saltwater fish in a closed system. SO...before I get all fishy-technical again... I got the chiller and set it all up myself. No gysers and no leaks! Amazing! I kept going back to check my connections, expecting a disaster at any moment. Didn't happen...and the expensive new toy works great. Cooled the tank from the 82 degrees it was at all week to a nice 77, in just a few hours. Yay.



By the time I got the chiller sitch squared away, Melanie was home from work. So I headed to her house for our weekly bike ride. After our ride we headed to the grocery store to pick up all the goodies we'd need for the camping trip. Meat... Check. Alcohol... Check. Water... Check. Wood... Check. S'mores ingredients... Check. I also picked up some groceries for home, since I'd put off grocery shopping for about a month by then. Bad me. I just HATE shopping of any kind. Especially at night, after a long hot day and a bike ride. We got home at ten and by the time we were done unloading, I was so exhausted. So I went home so I could unload the essential fridge stuff and hit the hay.



Friday I packed in like an hour... It was no surprise when I discovered I'd forgotten my deoderant later on in the trip. *SIGH* I ALWAYS forget my damn deorderant! Oye. And Melanie and I can never, ever manage to leave for a trip in the morning hours. It's no matter that we have the day off. I mean, get up early? What for?? Hah. We'd shot for leaving at 11 a.m., which in our time frame means 2:00 p.m., which is exactly when we finally got on the road. Well, 2:30 actually. It was a HOT drive to the river, with a couple a stops to eat and pee...we made it there by about 7:30 p.m. Ugh. But it was wonderful to see that the boys had us all set up.



We met up with Melanie's old camping group from high school. That's actually where she first met her boyfriend...camping in high school. Then they met up again ten years later and started dating. Interesting... Anyway, it was Melanie's boyfriend I.G., his two friends who're brothers, C.O. and R.O., their cousin M, his girlfriend J, L and her boyfriend D and a couple other friends of the group C and R. Yea. Got all that? Later that evening, the brother's father H.O. and uncle H.O. (yes, there's two of them, just try to keep up) joined us.



Friday evening was a blast...well, what I remember of it. Ya see, the boys had built a makeshift "bar" with some planks of wood. They built it onto a tree branch and even re-enforced the thing with two-by-fours dug into the dirt hill behind it. So once we got there, we started drinkin'. And eatin'. And drinkin'. And smokin'. A great time was had by all. I even managed to smear chocolate all over my face, arms and thighs at some point during the evening 'cause I woke up all chocolatey (and headachey) on Saturday morning. Well...not ALL over...it was pretty streaky. But it was plenty sticky. Good thing I was just on top of the covers.



So we had a great breakfast, made by M's lovely girlfriend J. I think I rolled out at about 8 a.m....she'd been up since 7 just a cookin' away. There were bagels, hash browns, eggs, bacon AND sausage. Oh, and flour tortillas. I made myself a helluva breakfast burrito. Then we spent much of the morning lounging around the campsite. It was so relaxing. Just thinking about it makes me long to turn the clock back and spend that day differently...to be able to finish the day without the relaxing camping experience being destroyed by catastrophe.



Awright, so I'll stop beating around the bush. Hah. Pun intended... We naturally went down to the river bank as it got hotter so we could tool around in the water. The boys enjoyed swimming across the river to a big rock and taking jumps off it. Something I didn't dare try because a.) the water was literally just above freezing (think about the ice water contests as a kid, who can hold their arm/hand/foot in the ice water longest without losing a limb) and I'm getting too old to try to 'get used' to that kind of cold and b.) I prefer my face the way it is, not scraped off by a jagged edge. So we're hanging out, drinking beers and relaxing. The uncle, H.O...of the brothers R.O. and C.O., comes down to join us. Uncle H.O. is an older gentleman, about 62. I'm not sure where his brother H.O. was at this point... There's about 7 of us at the shore now, Melanie and I, the uncle, R.O., L, uncle H.O. and a snobby family of three or four. I won't get into why they were snobs...they just bugged me. Huh. What else is new?

Anyway, we were all talking and I was trying to get used to the water so I could swim across the river with Melanie's boyfriend. He kept asking me to go with them, but I didn't want to just yet. I had more "getting used to" to do, which I doubted would happen. I finally gave up and sat down next to Melanie, telling her there was probably no way I could swim in the frozen water. That's when Melanie suddenly pointed to the middle of the river...

"Is that H.O.?!", she asked in a panic stricken voice.

I'm thinking...he didn't go in the WATER did he?? This is because the man is not only older and overweight, he also happens to be diabetic! I'm guessing it was the beer the helped him decide that it was okay to swim.

"You guys, YOU GUYS! LOOK!" Melanie's frantically pointing out the man drifting down the middle of the river, who was indeed H.O. He's looks completely frozen with panic and is obviously unable to swim. By the time we start to react he's drifted dangerously close to the upcoming rapids. Mind you, we weren't hanging out too close to the rapids...we WERE in a calm spot between them. But if you're not a great swimmer and not wearing a life jacket...

*sigh*

You can probably guess what happens next. We're all on the shore flailing our arms, yelling his name, yelling for him to SWIM! SWIM! as we watch him yell for help. I.G. and C.O., who had joined him for the swim across, are swimming toward him as fast as they can. But they were too far behind. In all the commotion, a few of us thought we saw him make it to the side just before the rocks. Melanie, L and I run up the hill to the campsite so we can find a car and drive downstream. M and J pull up in their truck just in time for us to jump in and tell him the news. We take off down the road along the river, stopping to ask the random people we come across if they've seen a man in the river. Time keeps passing and passing as we run back and forth, up and down... No one's seen him.

We end up about two miles downstream and pull up next to the rafting group we'd seen going by earlier, a little while before uncle H.O. entered the picture... Most of the rafters are over to the side and one of the guides walks up to the truck. By this time we're almost completely hysterical...I'm climbing over, trying to get out when I hear the guide say that they found him and it's not good. I'm thinking he's badly hurt...until I hear the words, "He didn't make it." M, J, Melanie, L and I all burst into tears. I don't know how we got out of the truck. I'm completely shocked and disoriented, devastated...I get a peek over the edge down to the river bank and see a raft and legs... White legs...

Then I'm nauseous, dizzy, light headed...I don't know whether to puke or shit. Overwhelming sadness that's still in my gut today as I try despirately to get through this slow work day. After hearing the horrible news, we jump into another truck, I think it was R's, as he was just about to leave before the incident... We rush back to the campsite to find everyone else...

The rest of the afternoon was nothing short of one of the most depressing days of my life. It's one thing to hear about someone dying...but to actually witness it is something else. I mean, I've had my share of deaths in my family and group of friends, but never this close to home. The closest was the day my cousin died in a motorcycle accident. This was just awful. Even though I had only known the guy for not even 24 hours... We spent a few hours just roaming the campsite in shock. Crying, yelling out in anger, sitting around staring at the ground. Every time I looked at his brother, H.O., my eyes welled up with tears. Kinda like they are now. I can't think about it without crying. Melanie's poor boyfriend, I.G. This guy was like family to him, moreso than his own. I know how he feels, too, 'cause we have family friends that are just like that. I couldn't imagine...

Needless to say, we didn't stick around another night. None of us could stand looking at that river anymore. After a few hours of mourning, hugging and crying, we packed up and left. Melanie and I had driven out together, so after we helped the others clean up, we took off for the long ride home. We got home at around midnight, both physically and metally exhausted. I'm so glad I took Monday off 'cause I just couldn't go to work. I made it in yesterday, but went home early after breaking down in tears while telling the story to the coworkers. I wanted to be alone. Or with someone who'd experienced it. Like Melanie. I went to her house last night for a bit...just to hang.

So uhm...that was my vacation in a nutshell. Very emotional. I can't write anymore right now. I have to try to get a little work done...not to mention eat. I've got an appetite again. The funeral is this Friday or Saturday. Even though I didn't really know him too well, I knew and enjoyed his company in his last hours. I must go pay my respects. I'm onna go get 'em a card, too. Poor poopies. Poor, poor poopies.

*SIGH*

Later...

Gettin' the hell outta here for a few days...

FINALLY! The last day at work before my vacation! Guess where my head is? Well, it's already gone. Ugh...must CoNcEnTraTe. But first, here are some random pictures from my cell phone.

We'll start with the reason I got a stupid camera phone in the first place. For times like this...


When you're at the grocery store and you put a box of spaghetti, that happens to be open on one end, in your cart. Mmm-hmmm, I was snapping this just as a guy came around the corner. We had a good laugh as he helped me clean up my mess. Ha. Haha.

Next is...


Waiting in the car for Ron while he's in the bank. Oooh, I think I'll take a picture of myself in my new prescription sunglasses! Aren't they perdy?

And then there's an old one of Gerdy the black angel I lost right before I set up the salt tank...


This was when the fresh tank was doing very well. Before the dreaded snail outbreak of '07.

Mmm-hmmm. Going on another little adventure. I'll be sure to bring a camera. We're going to the Kern River again like we did back in back in July 2005. Same place, same Melanie but a different group of people. We're going with Melanie's boyfriend and a few of their friends they both knew back in high school. Should be fun.

Oh yes, and I think it's time to let go of a friendship. I mean REALLY LET GO this time. I haven't heard from M in ages and I so I randomly text her yesterday...only to get the reply, "Who's this?" I reply with, "It's Jooliepoooo, just sayin' hi. Gimme a call sometime." Then I get no answer after that. I TOLD myself I wouldn't contact her anymore, dammit! Why did I do it? Maybe she'll call. But the polite thing would have been to say, "Oh, hi!" or at least SOMETHING. Doncha think? Like I've said during my other insecure fits, it's no big deal. Who needs her? Especially when she got all bent out of shape when I didn't have her as a bridesmaid. Seriously. How many HINTS do I need?!

Awright. Time to go to lunch with Ronnie. I gotta go! Laytah!

I left my nano in San Francisco

So, this weekend I finally uploaded the pictures of our San Francisco trip. Wanna see? Kay...


The mens bathroom at the train station on the night we left. Isn't that precious?


Some of the view from the long ass train ride there. We left at 2 a.m. and were at the outskirts by about 9 a.m.


*HOOOOOONK!* *HONK!!!* *HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNKKKK!!!*
*CHUGGAChuggaCHUGGAchuggaCHUGGAchuggaCHUGGAchugga*
*HOOONKK!!!!* *HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNKK!!!!!* *HOO-OnK!*
*CHUGGAchuggaCHUGGAchuggaCHUGGAchuggaCHUGGAchugga*


Oooh...old broken pier. Lovely shot, hon. Yes, all pictures courtesy of my hubby the shutterbug.


One of many that will be added to the "Sleeping upright with mouth hanging open" series, to be chronicled here at a later date. I finally fell asleep during the last hour on the *HHHOOOOONNKKK!!!!!!* *CHUGGAchuggaCHUGGAchugga* train.


Just off the bus, before hailing a cab, we see this lovely work of art. I must explore!


*sspssfftsspspseespeespee*


The view from our window at the Beresford. Ah yes, pleasantries of the city...


Getting ready for our long walk on Saturday.

And some wonderful Ronnie shots...
















Whooo... I get cold just looking at these again! It was such a chilly morning...






Saran Wrap - The surefire way to keep your beemer safe in the city.






Awwww...lookit tha biiirrdy!


The Golden Gate in clouded Glory.


Customary couple on vacation shot.




The evil address.


Get it on!


The hotel we stayed at, from which my new nano I'd acquired the week before was gingerly stolen from my purse. Or so I've concluded. I discovered it was missing while waiting at the train station to go home. Note to self...write down the serial number on the unit. I have done this with the replacement I purchased a week later. I went ahead and upgraded from the 8 gig nano to an 80 gig iPod...just to help dry my tears. Damn you, thieves!






Some nice shots as we were leaving the city... It was a great trip, despite the long train ride and stolen nano. The meals were fantastic! We had pizza at this little place called "Piraats" on the corner across from the hotel. Spinach and mushroom...aahhh...mouth watering...some of the best pizza I've ever had! And the Prime Rib dinner at the Beresford restaurant on Saturday night was hEavAnLy sCrUmPtiOus!

Yea, my hubby put together a great little birthday/anniversary trip. He's so good at planning things. I need to learn from him and plan our next little getaway. I suck at planning and could learn a thing or two from him!

Anyway, that's all for now. I need to get on with my Monday.

The LAST drawing...

Yaaaaaaaaaaaay! This is the one I really can't wait to see colored. It's gonna look so beautiful with some depth.

Well, that's all I have time for right now. Having another busy day here. Buh-bye for now.

Drawing with the birdies

There I am, with my lil' 'ol birdie pals...just drawing away. I've finished quite a few drawings in the past few weeks. I've got one more that's almost finished, an underwater scene. It's gonna look SO GORGEOUS when it's colored! All of the drawings are coming out beautifully in water color. We were supposed to be done by the end of May, but have had to push it back a little. But it's coming, it's COMING. I'm almost FINISHED with something! Yay, me!

Last weeks mood has drifted into this week a little bit, but I'm trying not to let it. I'm into the exercising again this week, that's good news. At least I feel like going out and doing something. This week. We'll see about next week...OH WAIT! Next week I go on a mini vacation! I'm taking Thursday and Friday off so Mel and I and a couple of our friends can head up to the river again like we did three years ago. I love camping! It seems like I never get to do it, it's been way too long again. I hope nothing comes up because I really need this...as I've stated about six thousand times before.

It's funny how when I'm feeling bad, I like to buy things for the pets. Lately it's been the saltwater tank, but last Friday I decided that the lovebirds needed a new flight cage. I had gotten an indoor aviary from a friend last year, but it's too big for the livingroom so that's gone into storage for another place and another time... Meanwhile, the lovies, who adore their flying time, have been crammed in a small cage. About a month ago I'd found a nice, great priced flight cage at a bird store close to work. I told myself I'd wait until I paid this and did that...but I just couldn't. And neither could Punkin' or Pickles. Ron and I picked up the cage with his old truck, 'cause it was too big to fit in my car. The thing is gorgeous...it's all set up now with perches, swings and playthings. The birds are in seventh heaven, flying back and forth, swinging, climbing all over... It's great, now I don't have to feel guilty on birdie-in-cage days. Toby is still in his smaller cage, but that's fine for just him. He still gets to play in the flight cage during out time. Sometimes I close him in there to play with the lovies and that works fine, too.

Well, I'm off to eat something. It's already one and I have tons more to do.

What a WHINE-FEST

I'm so glad this week is almost over. It's been a toughie. But it's all in my crazy widdle head. I'm downright certifiable! I think I'm gonna go toss myself off a freeway overpass today. Then again, maybe not. There is plenty to live for! Live! LIVE! I want to liiiiivvvve! Does anybody care? No. And that's fine. I care. I care too much. Now let's go finish having a nice day, shall we? OKAY!