It's the bruthas kitty, in the window on a lovely day. Henry is on the right. He's gettin' BIG. I can tell them apart by their faces though. And Stan's "baggage" floppy tummy. Cute little kitty kattuses.So yea, that last entry was kinda bitchy huh. I'm not feeling so great these days. Too much on my mind again. I'm feeling way too much lately. The same shit that I hate to admit feeling because I do it to myself over and over again. This stupid feeling of inadequacy. Like I'm not doing enough, like I should be more than what I am. This damn unhappiness with the person I am. WHY can't I love myself? I still don't believe in myself. I feel destined for failure and that's just WRONG.
What I have to do is use this stupid blog to write down what I want in life. Why aren't I happy? This is supposed to be for myself, but why not share it with the planet? Seeing as I'm feeling so desperate to be heard by more people. I just want to be heard. I just want more people to care. WHY? WHY do I feel so alone???
Okay, so let's start a list shall we? What do I want?
1. A happy, healthy marriage - I'm not feeling very healthy in my marriage lately. Lots of drinking by both of us. Lots of denial. Lots of expecting things from each other and not getting them.
2. A home, I don't care if it's small...just...something that's ours. It's coming, I know. We're working on it.
3. To go somewhere new. I don't know. I keep saying I want to move somewhere else, but then I'm petrified of leaving my "support system" ...the few friends I have and my family. I need my mommy and daddy to be close. I love them and I don't want to move too far away. But at the same time I have this urge to get the HELL OUTTA L.A.
4. To stop being afraid. I'm so tired of being afraid of everything. I feel so perpetually STUCK. I should do this and I should do that to get out of this rut. I know what this and that is. I just don't wanna do it.
5. For it to be okay if I decide I don't want to have kids. I'm so worried about this decision. I know it's up to me, but Ron wants them and I don't want to disappoint him. He tells me it's okay, to take my time, but he wants to be a dad. WHY? What if I don't wanna? What if I never wanna? What if it doesn't make me happy? What if I'm just a lazy, no good, selfish person who doesn't want to deal with kids?! What if I just want to surround myself in my own little "jungle room" with birds and fish tanks? Will Ron leave me?!
Okay, so the list isn't working. Lists are for motivated, happy, I-can-get-through-anything 'cause-I'm-tough-as-nails type of people like my boss. Oh but wait, that's just a cop-out isn't it? I can do it, too, I just have to BELIEVE in myself and be positive and give of myself and all that shit.
That's all for now. Somebody, please email me. I'm so lonely. Please? Somebody just tell me it's gonna be okay.
1 comment:
It WILL be okay. It will. As for the kids thing, it's definitely okay to decide not to have them. I decided that a while ago. I think people don't believe me, they think when I find someone, I'll change my mind. But I won't (well, I'm PRETTY sure about that!). My niece & nephew are enough to fulfill that "kid fix", I don't mind my friends' kids (probably only because they're my friends') but otherwise, no interest and other people's kids are annoying. Anyhow, take your time with that decision, because obviously it's for life and not something to be rushed into.
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