...like I do every day. It's gonna be fine. Of course I've calmed down since yesterday. I'm trying not to think negative thoughts. Don't pull myself into a depression... Instead, I should express myself in a positive way. Right, Mike? Right. I've started by drawing many silly little Peabirds on things... Flipped the page on the new desk calendar at the reception desk and doodled a buncha Peabirds doing various things, took a message for the boss with a Peabird in one corner of the page and there are Peabirds running up and down this purchase order I have in front of me.
Oh... This is a Peabird...
A birdy from my childhood imagination. That's when Tady finally made it onto a cartoon cell... I'd gotten a tablet of cells from an artist friend and HAD to try them. You know, everyone wants me to animate these little guys. But, I don't like what animation's become. That's another entry for another day.
So...I've been thinking (what ELSE is new??) and I figured out one thing that I really need...to express myself. To make myself heard, but in a positive way. That's the thing I need to fix, I have to stop being so negative all the time. Lean toward my silly, who-cares-what-you-think-I'M-gonna-do-it-anyway side. Ron always complains that I tend to get LOUD IN PUBLIC. Almost every time we go out to eat (which is a lot lately, says my little pot belly), I feel the need to loudly express how I'm feeling about...whatever...usually something negative about a particular person or situation. Whatever happens to be blowing my whistle at that particular moment.
"OH my gawd...LOOK at her HAIR!"
"What the HELL is that guy driving?!"
"What a LAME tattoo."
"GAWD I hate screaming babies!"
"Ooooh! I just dropped a green pepper down my boobhole!"
"Shit! I'm drooling all over the place!"
"Son of a fucking bitch!"
Yea. I'ma total potty mouth in public, too. Love hate and hate everything else. That's what Ron tells me.
*sigh*
I HATE it when he says that.
OYE. UGH.
But I really think these little outbursts stem from an innate need to be heard. I'm in constant need of validation. I'm still so usure of myself. Ron constantly tells me that I should be proud of myself, that I'm such an amazing person. It's great that my hubby thinks of me that way, but I feel so...so...in the backround. So many others are doing this same thing right now, I'm sure. I've read it. Do you know how many billions of other depressed women are out there, writing about their struggles on the internet? They're all getting it out of their systems. I need to get this outta mine.
Starving for attention. I feel stuck between being outgoing and being withdrawn. I hate all the popular crap out here, yet I don't strive to make my own...crap. I have so much talent and I feel like it's just sitting here because I'm SO AFRAID to get out there and express it.
"What if they don't like it?"
"What if it's been done before?"
"What if no one cares?"
Stupid, insignificant things that hold me back. I don't think I'm content being a regular person with all the regular, run of the mill bullshit that fills a regular persons day. rEgULar. Boring. But if you're bored, then you ARE BORING. Naw. That's not it. Oh, but be happy and count your blessings! OH BUT I HAVE.
What do I need to do to stop being so afraid? The constant fear is going to keep me from becoming the person I want to be... I want to be recognized and live a financially comfortable life. I don't want to be rich to the point of obscenity, just comfortable and able to do the things that make me happy. I want to fulfilled, find my niche.
Shit. Boss just called, she's on her way back to the office. I'd better get on the things I need to do. She's leaving tomorrow to take her niece to Hawii. I'm not afraid to express the fact that I AM SO FUCKING JEALOUS. Okay, keep telling myself she deserves it, she works her ass off, she's driven...things I'm not. But I COULD BE. AAAAAHHHH!!!!
Over and out...
Oh... This is a Peabird...
A birdy from my childhood imagination. That's when Tady finally made it onto a cartoon cell... I'd gotten a tablet of cells from an artist friend and HAD to try them. You know, everyone wants me to animate these little guys. But, I don't like what animation's become. That's another entry for another day.
So...I've been thinking (what ELSE is new??) and I figured out one thing that I really need...to express myself. To make myself heard, but in a positive way. That's the thing I need to fix, I have to stop being so negative all the time. Lean toward my silly, who-cares-what-you-think-I'M-gonna-do-it-anyway side. Ron always complains that I tend to get LOUD IN PUBLIC. Almost every time we go out to eat (which is a lot lately, says my little pot belly), I feel the need to loudly express how I'm feeling about...whatever...usually something negative about a particular person or situation. Whatever happens to be blowing my whistle at that particular moment.
"OH my gawd...LOOK at her HAIR!"
"What the HELL is that guy driving?!"
"What a LAME tattoo."
"GAWD I hate screaming babies!"
"Ooooh! I just dropped a green pepper down my boobhole!"
"Shit! I'm drooling all over the place!"
"Son of a fucking bitch!"
Yea. I'ma total potty mouth in public, too. Love hate and hate everything else. That's what Ron tells me.
*sigh*
I HATE it when he says that.
OYE. UGH.
But I really think these little outbursts stem from an innate need to be heard. I'm in constant need of validation. I'm still so usure of myself. Ron constantly tells me that I should be proud of myself, that I'm such an amazing person. It's great that my hubby thinks of me that way, but I feel so...so...in the backround. So many others are doing this same thing right now, I'm sure. I've read it. Do you know how many billions of other depressed women are out there, writing about their struggles on the internet? They're all getting it out of their systems. I need to get this outta mine.
Starving for attention. I feel stuck between being outgoing and being withdrawn. I hate all the popular crap out here, yet I don't strive to make my own...crap. I have so much talent and I feel like it's just sitting here because I'm SO AFRAID to get out there and express it.
"What if they don't like it?"
"What if it's been done before?"
"What if no one cares?"
Stupid, insignificant things that hold me back. I don't think I'm content being a regular person with all the regular, run of the mill bullshit that fills a regular persons day. rEgULar. Boring. But if you're bored, then you ARE BORING. Naw. That's not it. Oh, but be happy and count your blessings! OH BUT I HAVE.
What do I need to do to stop being so afraid? The constant fear is going to keep me from becoming the person I want to be... I want to be recognized and live a financially comfortable life. I don't want to be rich to the point of obscenity, just comfortable and able to do the things that make me happy. I want to fulfilled, find my niche.
Shit. Boss just called, she's on her way back to the office. I'd better get on the things I need to do. She's leaving tomorrow to take her niece to Hawii. I'm not afraid to express the fact that I AM SO FUCKING JEALOUS. Okay, keep telling myself she deserves it, she works her ass off, she's driven...things I'm not. But I COULD BE. AAAAAHHHH!!!!
Over and out...
1 comment:
Ahaha........whoops, that was supposed to be my "little secret"! Ah well.
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