Nastalgia

Hooo... Taking a break for now. I'm almost all caught up. The boss is gone again, won't be back 'til next Tuesday. I'm still sipping my coffee. Getting ready to get some orders together and shipped out. Feeling just fine and dandy today. And life goes on...

I hung out with my brother Steve last night. It had been awhile, we usually try to go to dinner and/or hang out about once a month. It's been like that since he's been back in L.A. He lived in the Bay area for ten years and moved back here about three years ago. I was glad when he moved back 'cause I really enjoy hanging out with him. He's a crazy, silly weirdo just like I am. Well, it looks as though he might be moving away again. He applied for a sound engineer job in Washington, DC...just as a "What the hell, I may as well give it a shot" type of thing. It looked like a great opportunity but he wasn't too sure it would go anywhere. It's always good to try that next rung on the ladder. His first interview was over the phone two weeks ago. He told me it went very well, that he felt like he hit it off with the interviewer. Apparently so 'cause today is his second interview. The company is actually sending someone out here to interview him. He's all nervous and excited about this prospect, and at the same time feeling a little overwhelmed and unsure. He'll be moving across the country. But he'd be crazy not to...this is a great opportunity. Doing what he loves at a huge company. Earning great money, great benefits...all the things people strive for in the career world. All the things that he has worked so hard for. Not two years ago he was really struggling. This is a blessing... Of course I'm very happy for him, but it'll be like losing a friend.

Last night reminded me of how much fun he is. We went out for chinese at one of those great little hole in the wall places. I didn't even know it existed and it's been in the area for years and years. The food was fantastic! The hot and sour soup...oooohhh so wonderful. It puts the stuff I get from the chinese place next to work to SHAME! We had a yummy dinner and then chilled and digested at his place for a while. So, my new phone has this feature where you can record and playback...it's got a speakerphone and a mic. I was showing this to Steve, how you can record and playback normal, slower and faster. I got to one recording that I didn't remember...a phone conversation I'd had with my mom a few weeks ago. But you couldn't hear me talking, only my mom. I had no idea I'd recorded it. Turns out you hit a button on the side of the phone in order to record the person you're talking to. HAH! Could be very incriminating...

In any case, my mom's recorded voice is fucking hilarious! Last night brought back memories... Steve has always been into music and sounds...he's done foley (backround sounds) for a couple of independent productions. When we were little he had a reel to reel recorder that he'd play around with all the time. Recorded all sorts of things, airplanes going by, the washing machine...my parents arguing or just talking in general. Then he'd be able to slow down or speed up the recordings. I remember being little and playing around with the recorder with Steve. We'd have my mom's voice on there...our favorite would be her signature calling of my dad from across the house..."FRRRrraaannnk!" Then we'd speed it up, slow it down and die laughing. Well we did that again last night with my phone. You had to have been there, but it was so funny my stomach hurts today. I was laughing so hard I couldn't breathe! I know the conversation my mom and I were having was about wedding plans. And it was only about 15 seconds of it...

"...we can tell them, and things like that."

"But take your time, it's no sweat..."

"OKAAY" (echo)

"I'm sorry fer..."

"But you called me."

"No, I called you...I called you..." (laugh)

"Have a...have a...." (beepbeep signals end of recording)

I know, typical conversation. Not too funny when it's played back normal speed. But slow it down two times and it totally sounds like she's drunk!!! And the, "No, I called yewww..." and the laugh she does afterwards...all digitally slow and shit! We played it over and over! It was great! I can't wait to play it for Ron. Over and over and over. HAHAHA! OH and I just gotta embarrass the shit outta my mom and play it for her!

Man, break's over... End of nastalgia...

Have a nice day!

Shit, have I mentioned how much I LOVE this scanner? I need one for home, man. Now I can be RUDE to the whole world! Yep, you betcher ass this is on my stupid myspace page! Don't ask why... Just the mood I'm in today.

Mmm-hmm, sometimes I feel like I'm lying in the street bleeding and everyone is standing around staring and not helping.

Uh-oh...someone needs an attitude adjustment. Again. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!!! I'm not taking my meds. Heeeeeeeeeeeee...

I'm goin' koo koo! WOO WOO!

Just kidding. I'm fine. Actually, I am getting off the meds. I'm trying again and it's working this time. I'm not going out of my mind...the withdrawal isn't bad at all. Hmm, I guess I could say this picture is for the all pharmaceutical companies who are putting everyone on medication. FUCK YOU! I don't need medication to be happy! I need to get back to work. Almost all caught up, just had to take a break to write something pointless.

Flippin'

Eeeeeeeeeeeeek!! Lotsa crap going on right now. Busy busy. Still haven't caught up at work. At least I'm not feeling sick anymore. I felt so much better last Thursday that I over-extended myself after work that evening. Thought I'd get all the things done that I hadn' earlier in the week. Then I was busy as hell at work on Friday and by THAT evening I had completely exhausted myself. I was supposed to go out with the two girls Cathy and I just couldn't. Had to rest and get ready to go on a little get away weekend with Ron.

Uh-huh...

We made it out of town at last! Went to old town San Diego for a little romantic getaway. It was just what we needed and we enjoyed it thoroughly. We ate lotsa Mexican food and drank lotsa margaritas! Had dinner at a cute little place called "La Pinata" on Saturday night and had ourselves some of the best tostadas carnitas ever! And the peach margaritas were soooo very delicious! We got to indulge (but not toooooo much, we've been being VERY good...BOTH of us*pat onna back*) 'cause we were spending the night at a little cozy place that was right across the street from the restaurant and shopping area in old town. It was what I'd been wanting to do with Ron all damn summer... Have a nice, relaxing getaway. Now that it's done, we have to concentrate on wedding planning 'cause it's gonna be here before we know it. It's almost the anniversary of our engagement!

Speaking of anniversaries, at this time last year I was in CHINA! It's been a year already... What a trip that was... In more ways than one! If you wanna see all the awesome pics, go check out my posts from the end of last October/beginning of November. It's still so weird to see the Great Wall on t.v. or in pictures and be like, "I've been there!" But I still haven't made it to Hawii. Shit, go figure!

That's all I have time for right now. Gotta do some more work. Must catch up before my boss leaves again! AAACCKCKCKCKCKKK!!!!

Oh yes...one more thing...go check out J a ck @ss 2. Well, if you like completely disgusting, boyish, rediculous toilet humor that is. We loved it. I know...tells ya what kinda people WE are. HAH! Later...

Nails in my eye

I've been sick...again. Woke up with another fever yesterday. I don't know what is up with me, this is the second fever I've gotten since June. This time I went to the doctor and got a shot so that it wouldn't turn into the sniffling, lung buttery, hacking hell it did last time. It started Monday at work. Toward the end of the day I got a terrible headache. I finished the day, went home (drove most of the way with one eye closed 'cause it felt like there was a nail in my socket), took three aspirin and rested. I went to bed by 8:30 and proceeded to have a million nightmares in a row. That's when you know you have a fever, when the nightmares don't stop. I'd wake up from one like, "OH GAWD, what the HELL was that all about?! I'm so glad I woke up..." Only to fall asleep and go right back to where it left off. I don't really remember any of them anymore, as those were replaced by yesterdays depressing dreams. I'm trying to forget those 'cause they left me with an awfully depressed feeling in my gut. So I spent the whole damn day yesterday in bed. Now my back is killing me because we are in serious need of a new mattress. The thing is ELEVEN years old. OUCH. I'm hoping to hobble through the rest of this day and go home to rest some more. I need to put a heat pad on my aching back...

This past weekend was great. We didn't do much of anything...watched movies, cleaned, ran errands. The usual. We went out to dinner with my cousin Mark for his son Masons 13th birthday. For being around a guy like my cousin, that kid sure did turn out sweet. He is such a cutie pie. Anyway, we went to a cozy Italian place (my favorite) and I had the eggplant parmesian while the others had pizza. I miss my grandmas eggplant parmesian. No one can make it like Mama could. I gotta find that recipe. I have an old book of recipes that I'd found while living at my grandparents house. It's time to pull that thing out and start makin' some REAL Italian food! Mmmmmm...

Oh yea...Stanley had to go to the vet again today to get another oral surgery. They're gonna pull some more of his problem teeth. Yes, my wonderful cat who has a fabulous, doglike personality, doesn't piss all over the place, doesn't scratch all over the furniture and is otherwise perfect, just HAS to have a chronic problem with his teeth. He had a couple of problem teeth pulled last year and that didn't seem to do anything to remedy the problem. We were being cautious before but now we gotta pull out the big guns. Now they're gonna go for the ones that seem to always get infected BADLY...his top right teeth in the back. I took him back to the vet I trust...the vet I've always taken him to. She may be a little paranoid about his weight, but she's a very good vet. She actually didn't say anything about his weight this last time I had him checked. He's maintaining at about 15 pounds now. I've been feeding him a fixed amount. Not too much and not too little, which seems to work fine. And I usually try to keep him on the healthy weight maintenance formula. I'm more worried about his teeth right now. I hadn't taken him for a mouth check up since that last vet I took him to for the second opinion ripped me the fuck off. At least I got lots of pills from the last time and that kept the chronic infection at bay for a while. But it came back and I'm hoping this surgery will do the trick. I don't want any more teeth to be pulled, as he's a youngin' (only 6) and I'd like him to be able to keep most of his teeth and eat dry food for a while longer. *sigh*

Well back to work for me. Got some catching up to do. Later...

Ducky and the mysterious Larvae

You didn't think I was gonna stop at one, did you? HELL no. It's Friday, the boss is still gone and I have a new toy at my desk!



It's the birth of ducky!

And can anyone tell me what the hell these things are?



I know they're some sort of little larval casing...they're all over the stucco walls outside here at work. I noticed them scattered around before, but they seem to have multiplied some over the past few months. So going along with the theme for today, I decided to take a few of 'em and scan 'em in. Yes, I know...another novelty. Pretty soon I'll be scanning my boogers. Hmmm, now what sorta art project can I make with boogers? I know...don't ask...

First day of school

Mommy and child packing popcorn, waiting for the bus. Isn't that precious?

Guess who got a new computer and a scanner at work... Mmmm-hmmm, that's right...

I'm gettin' all deep again...

I'm still feeling pretty damn good about life. The attitude adjustment is working so far. Still trying to keep positive, not let people/the world get me down, look forward to the future and be confident. But I can't always ride the wave of happiness, as seen in this blog many times before. During those times of inevitable sadness/frustration/general disappointment I must remember...remember that I was born with a normal, functioning and complete body. Something that this poor child will never know.

Yea, things were going just swell...got a great job, great house, great start to a family... Then ya go and do what millions of others do every fucking day, get pregnant with a second child. Then you find out, through the wonderful technology of ultrasound, that she's got a genetic abnormality. Life throws a curve. Hmmm, a cleft palate maybe? Not quite...

This is why I have anxiety. All the "what ifs" in life. Another general statement that I, and thousands of others think and say every day... Gotta make the best of what you've got because you never know. You just NEVER fucking know.

Sometimes...

I just LOVE my job. My boss is gone for a week again... I'm just here doing my own thing. Day by day. Was gonna exercise after work, do the 'ol running up and down the stairs since it was hot out again today. Well, I ran into a bit of a problem as I was changing into my workout clothes. Ya see, I forgot my workout SHORTS. Ooops. Good thing I'm here alone! I can just work out in my underwear! No worries... Panties and a sportsbra! Perfect! It's so much FUN running around work in your skivvies. Now I'm all done with the workout. Time to throw on my skirt with the sportsbra and head home. I don't wanna drive home in muh undies...you know...all those tall trucks. Heh.

FUCK!

Okay, Photobucket is FUCKED up today. It's doing it again. BIG HAIRY SPIDER IN YOUR FACE. I'm leaving this for now.

I don't get it

For some odd reason, one of the pictures I posted in the last entry WILL NOT SHRINK. I went to photobucket and shrunk it to the size of the others...that usually works. I even reposted the entry AGAIN with the tag to the edited picture. The edited damn picture that says it's the same damn size as the other pictures. Why does it keep showing up so fucking HUGE?! Oh well, gotta leave it for now. Boggles the fucking mind.

Here's a couple more pics I forgot to post last week... Pet pics, of course:



I was actually INSIDE the fish tank when I took this one. Heehee!

And look, Rosie is WALKING!



She's a nocurnal lil' bugger. I turned on the light in the kitchen and saw her walking along. I had to take a picture of the event. My life is so fucking exciting, I tell ya! Okay...that's enough for now. Gotta work.

OH Whuttah...

WEeeeeeeeeeeeeeekend! It was nice. The usual... Nothing too spectacular to report. Ran errands, hung out with Melanie and Tyra some. Went to Ron's mom's for a BBQ. Took Stan to the vet for shots and to get his infected mouth checked out. He's gonna need to have some more teeth pulled 'cause the infection just won't stop. Dammit... Don't wanna talk about that though.

Here...have some pictures of the bathroom clouds that I ALMOST finished this past Thursday...

The first night I spent doing simple, white clouds:









The second night, a week and a half later, I shaded MOST of the clouds:









I started to get tired and although I only had a few more to do, I just couldn't. I knew I'd have to come back to touch everyting up anyway. I'm such a damn perfectionist. And speaking of perfection...



Don't gag. NO... I'm NOT obessed. Why do you ask? Collecting pictures for my scrapbook. Ron saw this new one laying out on my dresser and he's like, "OH GAWD...ANOTHER ONE? What have I done?" Then he got me another Mr. Bungle CD. He's still feeding it, I tell you! Hehehe...

He's perfect for ME, that's why I'm marrying him. Huh, honey...



I love you, Ron.



MMMM-WHUUH!!!

(check out those nostrils...can you see my brain?) Later!

What the hell?!

One more thing... This is one of the gifts listed on the Day-vid's Bridal website. What do you think? A nice, engraved flask for everyone! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Nuptuals and lists...

I've been doing so much better this week. SO much better. What a difference positive thinking makes. And less drinking makes. For goodness sakes. Yes. Gee whiz, whoda thunk?

First off, been thinking about the 'ol wedding plans. My mom and I went to a baby shower this past Sunday. It was for her friend Margaret's daughter, Jennifer. Mom and Margaret are great friends since college so our families know each other pretty well. Actually, it was more like a baby "sprinkle" due to the fact that this is Jennifer's second baby, her first is six months already! Only a few people were invited and it was more of a celebration than a gift-giving extravaganza. Anyway, Jennifer is two years older than me and got married 7 years ago. She's a sweet girl, we used to play as kids but have lost touch since we didn't have much in common. For example... She was a happy, peppy, confident blonde cheerleader in highschool...I was a depressed, weird, frizzy haired, insecure dork in highschool. I know we're adults now and things change, but we're still a lot different. Her outgoing, positive leader personality sure comes in handy when planning a wedding though! My mom was DYING for me to talk to her...

"Go over and show Jennifer your ring!"

"Go ask Jennifer what you should do now that you have a date and a place set."

"You should take this opportunity to talk to Jennifer about planning, I got married 40 years ago...I have no idea what I'm doing!"

My mom thinks I should be bursting with enthusiasm. Of course...'cause she's my mom and wants me to be happy. You know how mothers are. They worry. I'm not excited enough...what if inside, I really don't want to get married! Like...like last time! I've reassured her no less than six THOUSAND times that, YES...YES DAMMIT! I WANT TO MARRY RON. I AM EXCITED. I AM JUST OVERWHELMED AND I PROCRASTINATE WHEN I AM ANXIOUS. Eesh. It's almost been a year since we got engaged (Nov 13th) and I still feel good about it. I was engaged to butthead for three weeks before I up and moved the fuck out. C'mon now, mah, you gots nuthin' to worry 'bout. I'm just not the enthusiastic type. I even got fired from a hostess job at a restaurant after three days because I wasn't "enthusiastic enough". Eye-lands...not a good place for me to work. A great job for perky blondes and cutsie brunettes...but not me.

ANYWAY...

Needless to say, I ended up having an in depth conversation with Jennifer. MAN is she ORGANIZED. Holy shit, she made up an itinerary for her bridesmaids and the DJ! She made up an entire BINDER of information and lists! I'm all..."You're hired. H-E-L-P-M-E." She's still got that binder and she's gonna lend it to me. We exchanged email addys and I've already sent her a list of questions. I am doing my homework like a good girl. I've even started sketching the invitation. GO ME! OOooh Ungowa oooh ooh Ungowa! Yes, I've found a truly helpful person this time. Someone who is more organized than I can ever dream of being. I appreciate that 'cause I need to improve my skills in that area. First off, lists are your friends...

And speaking of lists, I did my first art homework assignment given to me by Marguerite during her visit. She asked me to list things I'd like to do with my art. I came up with six things, all having to do with illustration...

1. Children's Books
2. Animal info/anatomy books
3. Custom painting - furniture, walls, windows, etc...
4. Pet portraits
5. Album covers
6. Book covers

My next assignment is to go through each of these things and figure approximately how long it will take me to do a project. Besides a contract, knowing what to charge my client is extremely important. I've had problems with this in the past when I used to paint store windows for the holidays. Rule number one...know what you're doing, or at least act like it at first, 'cause people will take advantage of you. It takes time and energy to produce a quality product, no matter what it is. I have to learn to be somewhat of a professional about this. Shit. A professional?! ME?! Yes...

OH and I made another list of personal art projects that I need to finish.

1. Fairy statue for Lisa... I painted this for her birthday a few years ago. She didn't like one of the colors I used so I agreed to change it. It's been sitting on top of my fridge for two years.

2. Book cover for Lucy... One of the first paid projects I did was an astrological calendar series for this woman I met at my restaurant job. They were for the year 2000 and we didn't get them printed 'til October '99. Lots of little technical problems that weren't thought through enough. Got tons of great illustrations though and we wanna make it into a book. I've sketched a great cover and I just need to ink it!

3. Got an email the other day from a contact I made a few years ago. He'd wanted illustrate a children's book idea he had. I did a few finished and colored drawings to go with his manuscript and he sent it out...but only to about 25 publishers. He wants to try again. I say cool 'cause I've gotten even better at drawing children and I'd like to re-do one of the pictures I did. I always figure, "What the hell?", when it comes to these things. Same with the Lucy project. Just DO shit and get it out there. A portfolio will come together before I know it.

4. Paint the fairy for Zen dear. I'm gonna go get the stuff I need this weekend, I hope. Gotta get started on it!

5. Finish drawing my wedding invitation picture. This one's obvious. Gotta get it done and printed!

Okay, for now I actually have a drawing assignment at work! Gotta do some drawings for my boss to take with him to the show he's doing next week. I did a lovely illustration of 'The Sacred Heart of Jesus' yesterday. I need to scan that sucker in! First I wanna color a copy of it in pencil though. Shit, guess that's item number 6. Better get started... Later!

It's not just what's in fashion...

It's what's in the bag...

Not so blue

Happy day...it's a Monday and I don't feel like complete and total depressed shit. That's because I was somewhat of a good girl. Somewhat. I still had a few beers and such, but I didn't overdo it at all. It's so nice to wake up ready to face the day. I wish it could be like this every day, especially every Monday.

It was a nice, regular, run 'o the mill weekend. Friday night I helped Melanie a little with the cleaning of her old place. Seems like the poor girl has been in the middle of moving forever. SO MUCH STUFF. Man oh man. Now they're just finishing up with the cleaning...putting down new ceramic floor tiles, painting and carpet cleaning. I washed the windows, a few cabinets and some doors before I petered out... There wasn't too much left to do though, good 'ol Ivan got so much done during the week. I hope this was the last weekend they had to deal with that place... I think Melanie's gonna put it on the market this week.

Saturday was spent running errands. After reading some of that aquarium book Ron gave me, I decided that I wasn't paying enough attention to the water quality in my tank. So one of the errands was to head to the fish store and get the proper filter media to make the fishies happy. I also got some aquarium salt...it's s'posed to be good for their overall well being (protects against disease and stress) and gill function. And since we were in the valley we also stopped by the bird store to get the birdies some fruit/veggie salad. It sucks that the quality pet stores that I trust have to be so damn far away from home.

The Shabu Shabu place happens to be in the valley, too, so I was finally able to get Ron over there to try it after our errands on Saturday. He LOVED it! I'm so very glad 'cause this means we'll get to go there a little more often! I hope... We had a great time. Oh yes, and before dinner we went CD shopping. Once again it had been too long since I'd gotten some new music. I got five, plus Ron picked out a Mr. Bungle CD that he said I just HAD to have... Of course I LOVE it. It's hilarious! There's one song in which he sings about food. I've never heard anyone rap so fast! "Squeeze me macaroni...slide your face in my balogna..." HAHA! Ron would sing that sometimes and I had no idea what he was talking about!

Uh-oh, my boss is back and I'm supposed to be helping him get ready for the show this week. I'd better get crackin'. Later!

DUH

You know what I just realized? In my long, emotional, exploratory post yesterday I mentioned that MONDAY came crashing down. I meant Tuesday. Yes, TUESDAY because it was the day after a long weekend. DUUUHH. I need a brain flush.

Sick farts

OH fanTABulous! It's Friday again. Welcome to another weekend. A weekend wherein I will NOT get wasted beyond all wastedness. I was good all week so I am going to allow myself a bit of fun. Just a bit. Really. NO REALLY. JUST A LITTLE. Have a few beers and relax. But not make it the center of my attention like I did last weekend. I don't want to have a shitty beginning to my week again. Come Monday, I will NOT wake up depressed and worried. I will wake up refreshed and happy to greet the new day. OH...who the fuck am I kidding?! I probably won't be refreshed or happy to go to work... But this attitude, this bitterness has GOT to STOP. I don't have to be a fucking ray of sunshine, but I do have to try harder to keep my stupid emotions at bay and deal with life a little better.

*End of self therapy session*

SO. I finally finally FINALLY joined the rest of the world and got a new cell phone yesterday. My old phone was almost SIX years old! It still worked fine, looked fine...no one could really tell it was ancient until they saw that old green screen. It was kinda sentimental to me and I liked the fact that it was different than everyone else's newfangled gadgets. However, the battery was getting old. I couldn't use it too much or it would be juiced pretty quickly. And nothing is more ear-shattering than the beep that thing makes when it completely loses battery power. You're in the middle of a conversation...little warning beep...little warning beep...you're trying to end the coversation before it BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPP!!!! *gah* Ron mentioned yesterday that his plan contract was finally up and he would finally be able to get a new phone. He wanted to get a plan together and I told him I'd check out what was available with my service first, since I've always liked it and have never had a problem. I headed on over there after work and found out that since it had been so damn long since I'd changed a thing on my plan, I was eligible for lots of perks, discounts and TWO phones! SOOOoooooo...we now have two lovely new phones and a plan together. We can talk to each other for free! All day long! Yay! And I can take pictures of my ass and send them to him! Holy shit! The features this thing has...the sounds... Welcome to 2006. And it's almost over. Hah!

Ron sweetie poopsie thoughtful man brought home an AWESOME aquarium book for me last night. The fish geeks dream book. It's got everything you wanna know about keeping fresh and saltwater fish, fish names, natural habitats... Guess what I'm gonna be reading all weekend?! I know a lot about the hobby, but there's always more to learn. I happened to flip to a page as I was scanning it and found a fish that I just started keeping and don't know much about. The orange chromide cichlid. Here's a pic of one of mine...



Can you see 'im? He's the lil' fishie to the right. Yea. Apparently, they like brackish water. Little salt in their mix. Putting a little salt in a freshwater aquarium is actually good for the fish anyway. I'm going grocery shopping today (been puttin' that shit off for three weeks now) and I'm onna pick me up some uniodized salt. In't that sumpin'?

Ooooh...that Taco Smell I had yesterday is not agreeing with me. I still haven't eaten anything since yesterday afternoon. I've been feeling all bloated and icky since then. I just farted and made myself sick. Good Lord, what the hell is IN that shit? I don't want to know. That's why I don't eat fast food very often. Yuck. I need to go evacuate. Yea...I'd better go 'cause the poop talk is starting.

Stone cold

Ah, good morning and welcome to day three of stone cold sobriety. Yes, I'm trying again. Last Thursday, after having a talk with Ron, we had decided that we need to cut back on the drinking. Then Friday rolled around. The Friday before a long weekend Friday. BIG Friday. Melanie called while I was on my way home from work and invited us over for a hang out session that night. Mike, Bam and another couple we didn't know were gonna be there. We headed over around eight and thus began the party. The party that did not end until Monday night. Like I said the other day, it was a great weekend... A great weekend riddled with substances of the inebriatin' kyynd.

Then MONday came crashing down, like it always does. Monday and reality. Reality sucks the salt offa chimps balls. I know I don't have a big problem, but a developing one. I've been enjoying drinking a little too much, especially since I've gotten with Ron. We've discussed this several times. He knows he has a problem, too. A functioning alcoholic is what he calls himself. He told me this in the beginning... He doesn't drink hard liquor from morning 'til night, but he still drinks a helluva lotta beer.

So...Monday. I was depressed and emotional as hell again. At one point my brother Steve popped up on the IM to tell me about his new job possiblity. He might be moving to Virginia. Fuck. But that's another story. I made the mistake of complaining to him about my mood, the drinking too much, Rons shitty schedule... Next thing ya know he's asking if he can be truthful. UH-OHhhh. Ya see, my brother has known Ron for a long time, since Ron is best friends with our cousin Mark. Our cousin Mark who also has his own set of alcohol and drug problems. He basically told me that he wants me to be sure of what I'm getting into. That Ron is a good guy, but he's got a sordid past. That he's worried because our relationship seems to be moving very fast. That his gut is telling him no. He said that I deserve someone who has their shit more together because I'm still working on getting MY shit together. This made me burst into tears. He told me not to panic and to just think good and hard about what I'm doing. That I'm a smart person and he's concerned for me. He said that so long as I'm happy, it's fine, but that I should really think about my future.

Of course this has made me worried sick. Ron is a wonderful man and I really DO want to marry him. I see how smart he is and how he is trying to clean up his act now that he has found someone that he loves and wants to build a life with. But he is still human. He still has habits that his rough life has given him. He didn't have a healty family life at all. He didn't EVER have the support he needed. He got disappointed A LOT by people he trusted. He couldn't depend on anyone but himself. We HAVE talked about these things, like I've mentioned before... He tells me that I have nothing to worry about, that he has the right plan and he knows what he needs to do. That it won't always be this way. I see him making steps and I love the fact that I've been able to help him so much. He HAS gotten quite far since we first got together. But now I'm just worried sick about the future. I want him to talk to someone. I don't want to be his therapist. I want to go with him to talk to a counselor before we get married. He's been somewhat receptive to counseling...but then he'll go backwards and say that he doesn't need anyone to tell him what to do, that he KNOWS what he needs to do. Typical stubborn man. I feel compelled to help him, even though my brother says that it's not my job. He is worth it to me. He is a good man.

So I've started with myself... I have to lead by example. If I can be sober, so can he. We can do this together. We CAN get our shit together. Hell, we ARE getting our shit together. I'm gong to work on myself, work on being STRONG for him. I'm not going to have so many breakdowns in front of him. I'm not going to keep nagging him about his drinking. I'm going to find the right time to bring up the counseling again...the key is not to nag or get all huffy like I always do because that just makes him not want to do it. I love him and he is worth it to me. That's all that matters.

Grubba grubba blahblah

Just a quick update today. I'm busy at work. Great weekend. Grrrreeaaaat weeeeeeeeekennnddd. We had parties, we had BBQs, we met new people and we even made it to the beach for a bike ride. We didn't go out of town like we'd planned weeks ago. Well, didn't really "plan"...we're terrible at that. I don't know if we'll be able to afford the little weekend trip we wanna take sometime soon. We can try though. There's still a little hope. We had lots of fun this weekend though. Another scorcher, that was the only bad part. I'm ready for the heat to go away now. I want fall...I LOVE fall weather. Most of all I want to cuddle again.

I was on an emotional rollercoaster this morning due to PMS, too much drinking over the weekend and a change in schedules...Ron goes back to nights this week. I gotta learn to handle that better. I'm tired of telling myself that, along with telling myself a lot of things. Nothing is easy...I've said it a million times. I'm trying not to think about all the little things that bother me and it's working to get me through the rest of this day. I'm on that tip of emotional hell where just ONE little thing can set me off on a crying spree. Gettin' a grip now. For now.

And a moment of silence for Steven Irwin...

The news of his death hit me pretty hard. That guy could be so annoying, but what a beautiful soul. You could tell he really cared, he did so much for animals. Rest in peace, mate.

*sigh*

Okay, gotta go get packing done. Later.

DUH-rooooo-EL

The obsession continues...



*swoon*

And Ron is feeding it! He gave me an awesome Fantomas t-shirt last night. I love it love it LOVE it! And I love Ron. Yes EYE doooooh! My poopie man. Poospie-poh-poh.

YAYez...

I am weirdin' out this marnin', case ya couldn't tell. It's the coffee. Too much shooogar in duh kahffee. Mmm-hmmm. And it's FRY DAY. Before a LONG WEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekend! Weeweeweeweeeeeeeeekend! Whutter we gon' do? Play it by the 'ol ear like we always do. But we're gonna do it outside by the beach because it's s'posed to be a hottie.

This is a short entry. I must go work. I must go do something before I become a useless blob 'o pippernickel. Don't ask...

Friends and Inspiration

What a fabulous and inspiring evening I had with my friend last night. She was in town this week from France, where she had been all summer doing an internship. Tomorrow morning she leaves for up north to go back to school. This is how it usually is with her, I'll see her about two to three times a year and that's it. She is one of those valuable friends... One of those friends that you can be apart from for months or even years at a time, only to get together and have it be just like old times. We met in our sophmore year of highschool during swim team. We had our rough patches here and there, but over the years have formed a strong bond. I can talk to her about anything and know that she will never judge me. Not only does she listen, she gives sound advice. I am so glad that we have kept up with each other. Last night as we caught up on things and shared ideas, I realized how much our friendship has grown. She is truely a lifetime friend and I am so lucky to have her.

I didn't realize how much I'd missed her until we started talking. I love to get her take on things because she has always been such a strong person. She made me think of my problems in a different perspective and I now have some inspiration to make some needed changes. I've been stuck in this rut and she made me realize that I really don't have to be. There are so many little things I can do that aren't overwhelming. Just put one foot in front of the other.

My art is something that I really need to persue. It doesn't matter how long it takes, little by little I can get myself out there. I just have to believe in myself. Don't think of it as a chore or as work. Do little projects here and there that make me happy. Enjoy the process, don't let it make you nervous. Put together a portfolio, something I've been afriad of for so long. There are so many creative jobs out there for a freelance illustrator. That's what I want to be. I don't have to be someone's drone or work for a big company. I just need someone to be my mentor and my manager. Someone to help me organize my thoughts and the business end of it. Most of my problem lies in the fact that I really need to poked and prodded to get things done. It's always the same, get the ball rolling!! It's a very common thing, I know...

Well, the ball is sorta rolling right now... I just gotta find a hill. I'm proud of myself because on Tuesday I started a painting project. My landlord asked me to paint clouds on his blue bathroom wall. I didn't feel like going after work, didn't feel like getting my shit together... Then I finally DID and it was so much fun! I'm not done yet, but I took pictures of my progress and will post them later.

I also finally brought in that cartoon cell I painted...



HAHA! It's a little messy, as I rushed it a bit...but it was so much fun! That's Tady (Tay-dee) Peabird lookin' at a squirrel. The tree, rock and grass are on one cell and the squirrel and Tady on another. I'm gonna do another character on another cell in that same scene pretty soon, too. But before I do that I have another project. I want to paint a fairy for Zen. I drew this at work one day last year. Then I brought it home, colored it with some sparkly pens and sealed it with clear tape. I don't know what happened to the pens, damnit, they were cool...




But I was thinking that Zen would really like this... And it would be so much fun to paint with acrylics. What do ya think? Zen?

I feel good today and I know how I'm gonna keep this up. I'm gonna try my damndest to stop drinking and smoking so much. I know those things are not helping with my mood swings and depression at all. They aren't helping Ron, either. It's time for me to lead by example. We can do this together. It'll be hard but I'm up for the challenge. I NEED the challenge. Life doesn't HAVE to be so boring.

Halloween is coming...

Hide your dog!!!

Fish samiches

It was another nice, long weekend. The hilight was my ocean fishing trip today with my dad, brother and nephew. It was the first time I've been fishing on a boat in the ocean since I could remember. Besides having lots 'o fun, I learned one important lesson...take your seasick meds THE NIGHT BEFORE...and be sure to eat at least a little something before getting on the boat. I took a pill an hour before we left and ended up getting kinda seasick. The water was very choppy today and I was kinda squeamish the whole time. It wasn't enough to ruin the trip though and I didn't let it. After fiddling with live bait (shoving a hook through a live macrels nose) and squid bits and casting my line a few times, I wasn't doin' too well stomach wise. So I took a break and got some dry bread from the crew guy. I then stood there holding on to the side, thinking happy thoughts and looking at the horizon. That helped until the pill finally kicked in. There were about 15 people on the boat altogether and quite a few of them fed the fish over the side. I did not, thankfully! I even managed to sorta kinda catch a fish. What I mean by "sorta kinda" is that one of the crew guys just handed me a pole with a fish already hooked on it and had me reel it in! He was like, "You need to catch something." Uh...okay! I managed to pull it most of the way up and then he grabbed it and cut it off the line. It was a Bonita, a fish closely related to the tuna. Tastes pretty much like tuna also. Unfortunately, I didn't get a pic of it...but I DID get a few good ones of my lovely day...


We docked the boat and left by 6 a.m. Had to get up at 4. I was surprisingly chipper, despite this... My brother Steve was not. Heh...he's a real bear in duh moh-nin'.


There were so many cute lil' 'ol water fowl following us around all day. Lots and lotsa pelicans. I just loooooooove pelicans!


Ahhhh... Such a gorgeous day!


My 15 year old nephew, Andy, caught a whole lotta lil' throwbacks like this one.


But he kept going back for more and more! Inspired me to get back to it once I was feeling better...


Muh bro pulled in one of the larger catches of the day, a sheep head. He threw it back though. Said he didn't wanna keep anything unless it was ridiculously huge!


Yep, there's another throw back! Good job, Andy... This time, try not to gouge out an eyeball. Teenage boys...*sigh*

It was a great day and I'm so glad I went. So glad, in fact, that I'ma gon' do it again! I really do enjoy fishing, though it's not for those with a weak stomach...hell no! Rocking boats, fish guts, STINKING bait, people puking over the side... All in a successful day!

Oh yes, and I also managed to get a picture of myself wearing Zens beautiful creation!


LOOK! I'm wearing it and you can barely see it!


So I took a close up...

I've already gotten TONS of compliments on it, just like a thought I would! It's so beautiful and original! Not to mention very special 'cause it's modeled after my lovely lil' Toby birds colors.

And I forgot to mention the adorable little basket it came in...




Isn't that ADORABLE! I was thrilled to get this little addition! I love collecting little boxes and stuff so this'll fit right in! Rosie likes, it too...that's her cage behind it in case ya couldn't tell...hehe...

Okay, well it's time to relax. I took a nap earlier but I think I'm still gonna hit it early tonight. Gotta get to work on time tomorrow! Later!

Flying out the door

It's Friday again and as usual I cannot concentrate on work because I want to start the weekend already. The rest of this week has gone fine. Keepin' it real on the homestead. I am adjusting my attitude again and feeling better. For now. You know, the usual crap.

I checked out this girls old Diaryland entries last night. She was one of the first online diaries I came across last year and it made me want to start my own. I forgot how hilarious some of her entries are. I love her sarcastic sense of humor and her silly artwork. Check out a couple of my favorite entries...

mrs. dee and the den of sin

dangerous panties


Heh...

So what's on the plate for this weekend? Not much. Gotta grocery shop at some point. I've got Mother Hubbard cabinets. I hope to go on a bike ride, too. It'd be nice to head down to the beach for a ride. We haven't done that yet this year.

Tonight I'm going to a jewelry party with Melanie. One of her coworkers is hosting it. Sorta like a tupperware party, but they've got all sorts of cool jewelry, handbags and other knick-knacks. And food...lots of yummy food. I don't need any more jewelry really, so I probably won't get any unless I see something REALLY cool. I just got my gorgeous fairy necklace so I'm not too interested in getting much else. I am, however, in need of a new handbag. I've been carrying around the same, crusty 'ol bags for years. I'm not much into accessorizing, but it's fun to get something new every decade or so. I still use a couple of purses that my MOM gave me years ago! They're not trendy (I hate trendy shit) and they're nice and plain so it doesn't matter to me. They're just getting old and need to be retired. I hope I find something. There wasn't much in terms of plain, simple but slightly cool handbags at the party we went to last November.

Egads...it's only 10:20 a.m. I want to leave. Ugh...I took my vitamin this morning and it's stuck in my throat. I didn't drink enough water with it. I keep burping that nasty vitamin taste. EWWwww. Even trying to push it down with coffee hasn't helped.

I'd better go make myself useful so that this day passes. I'm off to see the wizard!

The trick is to keep breathing...

I'm getting overwhelmed again. My back feels like one big knot. I've been doing a lot of what I refer to as "snowballing" lately. One disturbing thought leads to another disturbing thought that leads to another and another and and and then I'm crying. I'm trying to combat this bubbling inner stress and bitterness by doing good things like exercising, getting rest (I've been going to bed between 9:30 and ten), not eating too much junk, doing things I enjoy like setting up the new fish tank and drawing, thinking happy thoughts about Mike Patton... These things work for a little bit...but before long I'm turning to smoking and alcohol. I can honestly say that I have a developing substance abuse problem. So does Ron... We are both able to keep it somewhat at bay and function, but just like thousands of other people, we can't always do that.

I love Ron very much. I want to always be there for him. I can't help but be scared for our future. I admit it, I want someone to take care of me. I'm afraid that we both have the same negative outlook, depression, anxiety. That's not good for us or our relationship. I'm scared yes, but I have faith that we can fight this battle together. I have to have faith in Ron because I'm afraid that I don't have anything else. This world is a rotten place and I'm lost in it.

I know when the frustration and stress gets bad because I have these recurring dreams...sometimes in the same night. It's pretty damn bad right now because I've had these two dreams in the same night, twice in a row now. Last night and Sunday night.

The theme of one recurring dream is that I have to go back school, either elementary (I hated my elementary school years and I think they are the root of my depression and anxiety) or highschool. It's usually elementary. I find myself searching the entire school premises for something...I don't know what. I have this horrible depressed feeling in my chest as I walk through the empty halls, up the stairs, looking into empty classrooms. I sit in the tiny, pink, smelly bathroom that I used to cry in. I case the school yard. Sometimes the yard is filled with water, like a lake. The shore is right next to the benches where I used to sit with my asshole classmates. Sometimes I go swimming out to the far gate... I always have the feeling of wanting to get the hell out of there and go to back to work, but I am being forced to be there and I have no choice. I have to do my awful schoolwork. The highschool dreams are frustrating because the school is so crowded and I can never find my first period class. I keep trying to find the couselors office so that I can find out what my classes are and I can't find it. Days go by and I'm getting more and more behind in my classes because I just can't find them. The school grounds get more and more confusing... Sometimes it even starts snowing...snow only happens in the highschool dream.

In last nights dream I was so depressed because I had to repeat the 8th grade at my old elementary school and THEN I had to repeat 9th - 12th grade at my old highschool. I was surrounded by the people I couldn't stand from elementary and highschool. It's strange because we're all in our 20's and 30's.

The theme of the other recurring dream is one in which I have to go to the dentist to get oral surgery. In reality, I had quite a bit of oral surgery as a kid because I had too many teeth and a small mouth. Plus I had some weird jaw thing that I had to take care of with headgear and shit 'cause my jaw wouldn't stop growing if I didn't. That's why I have a long, pointy face. If I get too skinny I can probaby slice bread with my jaw. Anyway...in the dream I'm at the oral surgeons sitting in the chair. The nurse is jabbing a needle (which a feel, some times the pain intensity is worse than others) into my left arm trying to find the vein. This takes forever...then she finally starts pumping in the anesthesia and it's NOT WORKING. I can't go to sleep. I feel myself kinda getting that woozy feeling and then I'm WIDE AWAKE. The doctor comes in. He thinks I'm asleep and starts putting all sorts of plastic shit in my mouth. I'm trying to talk through it to tell him I'm not asleep and he's not listening. But the nurse hears, and starts moving the damn needling, jabbing the hell out of my arm again. I'm gagging on stuff and then I'm out...then I'm awake again and everyone is gone. Then the nurse comes in and starts the whole thing over again! AAAAAH!!!!! I had a bit of both of these themes on Sunday night. Last night was just dreaded school. OH how I detest school!

I forgot to mention one other recurring theme... When and if I DO go home from school or the dentist, I end up at either the old house I grew up in (which my parents sold 6 years ago and moved to Orange County...yuck) or my grandparents old house (which my dad sold 5 years ago when his dad passed away). I spent much of my childhood in these two places and they have both been sold to "some asshole". I guess I miss them. In last nights dream I went home to my grandparents house. I was stressed to peices because I had tons of homework to do. Homework was the bane of my existence as a kid. I would get so stressed out over it that my mom would have to beg me to just sit down, relax and watch cartoons when I got home from school instead of going right to the homework to get it overwith so I could really relax. In the dream, there were a whole bunch of people from school at the house and I was trying to get them to leave. I started getting very thirsty so I went to the kitchen for a glass of water. I opened the old, dirty freezer to get some ice... The freezer was a dark hole that extended far, far back into nothingness. Ice poured from the black hole. I grabbed some, put it in a glass of water and drank. A little while later I noticed these weird shrimp/worm/insect looking things swimming in the glass. This made me gag...and wake up... Ew.

So it's a combination of mind fucks that is making me feel really shitty. On a happier note, I received my beautiful and gorgeous necklace from Zen. Just as I had expected, it is even more beautiful in person. I put it on and haven't taken it off yet...well, 'cept to shower 'cause I don't wanna ruin the crystals. She is so sweet, she also included a pair of earrings to match and another necklace with amazing blue and green gemstones. And she did something very special. She made the color theme of each peice to match my darling Toby beerd...



Speaking of Toby...I got him a year ago already! Holy shit! Happy bring home day, Tobster poop.

I also got my birthday present from Melanie. She had gotten me one of these for my birthday in May. The first one arrived broken and it took a couple of months to receive another one. I was DYING to get it! She finally brought it over this past weekend and I brought it into work yesterday. Very cool. Very cool, indeed. Thank you, Melanie darling poop. Poop. I like poop.

Anyway, I've written a book here. It's time for me to get on with my mundane life. Later.

The good, the bad and the ugly

I'm in a pretty decent mood on a Monday for a change! Isn't that lovely? I had a very nice weekend and a little of it carried over to today. I'm going to take advantage of it and get shit done. Maybe.

SO...Being a little more caught up at work has allowed me to visit some regular reads that I hadn't in a while. I was a little disappointed to see that one blogger took me off her list. Had a feeling she was only reading me 'cause I read and commented on her quite a bit. She tried but lost interest. Oh well... I still like reading her anyway.

Now I will comfort myself with the same crap I always do. Ready?

I can't let it bother me. Just like friends, bloggers come and go. Yup, I have a hard time meeting cool people/friends in real life and I seem to have the same problem online. Only a few seem to "get" me. That's okay. I learned a long time ago that popularity doesn't mean much. Not to mention, the blogger world is so full of WOMEN. Bitchy women. I hate women. Hell, who am I kidding? I hate people in general. I am ONE bitter bitch. I'll just practice here what I do in real life...I can't expect people to like me. SO...if you don't like me, FUCK YOU! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Naw...just don't read me. I have imaginary readers...and even a few cool and REAL readers. For now. 'Til they inevitably get bored with my complaining and negativity. SO THERE! HAH!

Uh-huh.

Speaking of hating people, Ron and I went to the public Aquarium yesterday. He had never been and in keeping with the weekend fishy theme, we decided to check it out. A public recreational location. On a Sunday. BRILLIANT. I brought my camera. What a joke. I couldn't get close enough to the damn exhibits to take any good pictures. There was always some shithead (or 30) butting their fat ass in front of me, someone's fucking brat stepping on my feet, someone's fucking stroller rolling into me or over my feet, someone BREATHING MY AIR. ARRGH! All the godforsaken people crowded into that place ruined the experience. I wished we could have gone on a day when it wasn't so damn crowded. Surprisingly, Ron didn't seem to mind the crowds as much as I did. He took it all in stride while I bitched and fumed and eventually got completely FED the fuck UP. We got our moneys worth and left. Probably won't go back for a looooooooooong time.

Note to all people here in California with out of state license plates:

GO THE FUCK BACK!!! WE DON'T NEED ANY MORE PEOPLE HERE. WE DON'T NEED ANY MORE DAMNED CONDOS, TRAFFIC, SMOG, ASSHOLES ALL OVER THE PLACE. GET USED TO THE GODDAMNED COLD WEATHER. IT'S GOOD FOR YOU. FUCKERS.

No really, I'm in a GOOD mood. I'm gonna go beat the shit out of something now. Later.