One more picture, bear with me...

This is my lovely fish tank. In't it peeeerrty?? Yea. Kinda small, not centered and you can't see any fish whatsoever, but it's still cool to be able to post a picture of it on the internet. Yay, I'm with it...I'm current with the technology. I finally got a digicam. Congratulations to me.

So I just got home from Target, got Melanie a license plate holder to go with her lovely steering wheel cover. Then just to be goofy as hell I threw in some fuzzy dice. Package complete. I'm s'posed to go over there in a few so I should probably get to the dreaded cleaning of the rat cage. I've let the rats out to run around on the porch for now and I can hear Swirl climbing the screen door. I just checked...sure enough... I have to go out there often to check on them. I usually stay outside and watch them, just in case curiosity takes over, which it usually does with Swirl. They're good though, they pretty much stay by the cage...for NOW. Okay, I think that's going to be it for today. More pictures coming, I'm sure...

First picture!

Ahhh, it's the end of the day on Friday. My favorite time. Especially when it's not an exercise day and I can just go home and relax. I did a nice, thorough cleaning of the bird cages last night and so tonight is just the rat cage. Ya know...I should list my pets because I'm always talking about them. Okay, right now this is my list o' pets:

1. Stanley the white kitty (aka lil' asshole)
2. Pickles the nuerotic lovebird
3. Apples and Bananas the braindead parakeets
4. Rosie the tarantula
5. Caramel and Swirl the crazy girlie rats
6. Gertrude the Angelfish and all her other lil' fishy friends in my 30 gallon fish tank. I don't usually name fish, but she's cool and seems to have a bit of personality...uh...for a fish.

So there you have my pets. Isn't that grand? I'm trying to find Apples and Bananas a home so that I can get a parrotlet or some other small parrot. That's it though. Two or three small birds is all I can handle. I'll probably only have one cat for a long time. My place is too small for two. One day I'd love to get a German Shepherd. That's my dream dog...or rescue a pitbull. Who knows what I'll end up with, but I do want a dog in the future. I also might get a large parrot in the future, like a macaw (loud as hell, I'd want it in an outside aviary) but I don't know if I'm cut out for that. Maybe years from now, who knows. But I'm at pet capacity. My house is perfect for the pets I have, too. There is room for all of them. I'm very meticulous about cleaning cages. Oh yea, that's what I was getting at...yea, I'm so fucking random. I cleaned the two bird cages last night, so tonight I just have to do the rat cage. It only takes about ten minutes. Tonight is spray down night...gotta take that sucker outside and spray the whole thing off. I do that once a week. I just change the bottom shavings out the other two times a week that I clean it. Then there's the catbox. I scoop that thing every single day. Sometimes, like on a Friday, I'll skip a day. But rarely. And I have Lysol right next to it so I can spray it down a few times a week. I don't ever wanna be one of those freaky hoarders who has a house that reeks. Ew. Gotta keep the pets in control and not get more than I can handle.
But before I clean the rat cage (the hilight of my evening HAHA) I'm going to Target to get the rest of Melanie's present. It's going to be even more fun tonight because Tyra is coming. She's the one who came to Vegas with us and is a lot of fun. She's never had artichokes so we're gonna make 'em fancy...gonna bake 'em! So it should be a fun girls night tonight. Plus Ron is going to have a guys night, which I was happy to hear. I felt a little bad because he's going to be getting off of work early tonight. He usually gets off at 10:30 and doesn't get to my house 'til 11:00, but tonight he's getting off at 8:00. He just called a bit ago to say he's going to play some pool with some work buddies. Wonderful!
I'm hoping tomorrow isn't hideous and gray in the morning like yesterday and the rest of the week has been. We're going to the beach bright and early. Yay! Gonna get some ocean swimming in again. Then I think we're going to catch a movie. I wanna see that "Lords of Dogtown" flick. Looks good.
Okay, so I went and got an online photo album and now I'm going to try to paste a photo in this entry....

AWRIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!!!!! Check id ouuuuut!!!! Thanks Eggsaucted! That was just TOO damn easy! 'Kay, this is Stan man, if you haven't guessed. He's an awesome cat. Acts more like a dog than a cat, even drinks outta the toilet. And he's really friendly, even to strangers. I hate cats who run and hide under the bed everytime you have company over. Stan actually sits right down on guests laps when they're on the couch! That's kind of a bad habit though...he's a bit spoiled. I'm actually trying to break him of the toilet habit. I've already broken his habit of sleeping on my head. That gets annoying, especially when he's shedding like hell. Okay, enough...I'm gonna post more pics later! This is FUN!

Smelly 'ol shrimp

HI! HAPPY FRIDAY! WOO WOO WOOOOOHH! Yes, a short week...HURRAH! In't that somethin'? 'Kay, it's only the beginning of the day though and I have ten thousand things to do. I gotta go shoppin' for the boss who's coming tomorrow, gotta have a key made, pick up the mail, clean out the fridge...Oh shit, actually I'm gonna go throw out that smelly 'ol shrimp right now. Be right back... There, tossed the shrimp and poured some ammonia down the disposal. PEW! Plus tonight I'm going over to Melanie's to celebrate her birthday. Gonna pick up a coupla big, honkin' artichokes, some wine and some brownies and do it RIGHT man! We STILL haven't had an artichoke fest of our own yet. So we're gonna do it tonight. Hurray! Oh yea, and I still have to get her one more gift. I already got her a cute steering wheel cover for her car (thought she'd like one, too, ya know) and I'm not sure what else to get. I'll know it when I see it. I'm gonna swing by Target on my way home and see what I can find. I need to get some shorts for myself, anyway. I think I'll make it a car theme, since her car still pretty new to her. She got it about a year ago, a dark blue 2002 Nissan Xterra. Really cute and so her. The other car that she had for ten years was an '88 Toyota Forerunner. Same color! What a trooper that thing was. Anyway, I think that's what I'll do...get some cute detailing things for her cute car.

So I took a great jog around work yesterday. I just looked it up on mapquest and it was only about 3 or 4 miles altogether, but it felt like so much more! I think I'm gonna try for the five mile stint again next week. Feels so good to do that. Plus it was a nice change of scenery. I've been exercising/jogging regularly now for the past two years. I'm so glad I've kept it up. I guess I still have quite a bit of discipline left from being a swimmer. I'm gonna try to keep it up for as long as I can, gonna be one of those old ladies at the Y swimmin' in that HOT ASS pool. That's actually one of the reasons why I don't really swim at the YMCA. They always keep the damn pool so hot. Plus, I don't really want to have to pay to work out. Every now and again though, I think I might go to the pool at my old jr. college and do some laps. It'll be worth it on those awful hot days that are coming up.

Okay, I've been writing this entry for about two hours now. I'm going to go run those lousy errands.

Random babble 'cause I'm good at it

I think I've decided what bird I want to get to replace those braindead parakeets...isn't that wonderful?! Yes, well I'm pretty sure I want a parrotlet...the smallest parrot inna wooorld. I think they are, anyway. They're only 5" and really quiet. I'm going to do it right and take my time when I choose my next pet. I want this bird to be a pet and a friend to my other bird, not just an object in a cage. I have a fish tank for that. So the parrot store I'm going to get it from has some mommies sitting on eggs. I figure I'll get one by the end of the summer. Gives me time to find the parakeets a good home. Hopefully with someone who has a nice, big aviary with a some other parakeets in it so they can all fly around in birdie bliss.

Hmmm, what else to babble about on the internet... Ah! Last night, after I got home from running errands, I treated my car to a nice detailing and car spa treatment. I'd gone to Pep Boys on the way home for a breaklight and some car soap and I ended up getting her some oil and oil treatment, a cute steering wheel cover and armorall in addition. So I had fun washing and detaling my baby last night. I love her...she's nothing too fancy, just a red 1994 Honda Accord LX, but she's just wonderful. I've had her for about 7 years now and she's never given me a problem *knocks on wood*. I do take great care of her and try to do all the preventative maintenance things, though. Plus, now I have a boyfriend who LOVES cars and knows everything about taking care of them. So I can rest assured in that department at least. It was fun making her look all pretty though.

Well, I guess that's it for now. This is such a random entry, isn't it? I don't know, I'm just filling space. Yea, yea...I'ma space filler. OH yea, one more thing. Today is one of my best friends birthdays. Melanie...her birthday is exactly two weeks after mine. So HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Melanie. That's it for now. Yay. Later...

Nice long weekend

Okay, so today I'm taking time out to update on my nice, long weekend. I can't believe it's already Wednesday. The joys of long weekends! Not only do you have an extra day tacked on to the weekend, but ya got an extra day taken OFF the week!

Yesterday was one hell of a busy day. I didn't have time to fart. Actually, I didn't have time to eat lunch. I had to stuff it in my face while working. It's so busy because my boss is at yet anther convention and was calling in orders left and right. Plus we had back orders to get out, plus my other boss from Poland is coming to town this weekend so there are things to prep for him.... Then it's the end of the month AND the end of the fiscal year so I had to get stuff together for the CPA. Plus statements and collection calls. Then of course it just had to be one of those days that customers keep calling in and asking for outlandish things. It's great that every day isn't like yesterday was, or I'd have surely had a nervous breakdown by now. Today is much more mellow and I have all my tasks in order. Which gives me time to write in here in between...

So my weekend was nice. It marked the official end of my birthday celebration, the last coupla get togethers. Thursday was the Cathies, yes I have TWO friends named Cathy. We went to dinner...it was pretty fun. They're the friends from highschool that I get together with every now and again, but don't really have much in common with anymore. Friday night was Melanie, and she surprised me the the CUTEST gift. Some little tiki lamps and candles for my backyard. So very thoughtful. Her birthday is exactly two weeks after mine...it's tomorrow. I haven't a clue what to get her, but I'm gonna go shopping either today or Friday. I'm sure I'll find something. But Friday night was fun, we just hung out with our friend Mike for a while. Saturday I helped Ron move some more of his stuff into storage. Sunday was the birthday celebration at my parents house. We barbequed some steaks and had baked potatoes and salad. For dessert was a huge, rich brownie with a candle on it. It was wonderful! My mom was so excited to give me my gift, too. She'd gone all out and gotten me a bunch of cute little fun things...a lovely kitty planter, fishy wine glasses and this awesome candle set for my coffee table. It's a wine bottle, two pieces of swiss cheese and some green grapes...ALL made of wax. They sit on a cute little black plate. It's a really cool set and it all looks so real! Of course I will probably never light the things, if only for a second. It's just too cute! Oh yea, and she also got me these adorable silly slippers that look like giant feet with painted toenails. Ha! Right up my alley! So that was lots of fun. Monday I helped Ron a bit more and then we settled in at my house to relax. First we went on a nice bikeride, then we had some beers when we got back and then we made a delicious salmon dinner on my little outside hibatchi grill. It was soooo very good. We wrapped it all up in foil with mushrooms, tomatoes and butter. We also cooked sweet corn, still in the husks, on the grill. It was all put on top of a bed of rice. It was so very very delicious!

That pretty much covers my weekend. Nothing too exciting, which is good. I'd better concentrate on work now, actually. This is just TOO distracting. I might be back later to add another bullshit entry. Bye for now.

Weekend email

Okay, here's another description of my weekend in an email. I took the time to write this all out to her and I didn't feel like writing it again.

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As for me, I just wanted to tell you about the fun weekend I had. First of all, I got a great haircut last week. That bad day I was having ended good because I went and got a cute haircut and then after that went to the pet store to relax. I got myself a really cool fish, a dragon fish. It looks like a dragon, with a long body, frilly fins and a gaping mouth. Then it's got these teeeeeeeeeeeeny little golden eyes with blacks dots inna middle. It's so freaky lookin'! Hehe! But I love my hair. It's above my shoulders and short for the summer. This time I made sure he didn't cut my bangs. I don't have bangs and it's short and bobby. I love it. Ron says it makes me look so much younger. Yep, that's what short hair does! It's cool because it's something different, but it'll grow out over the summer. I was tired of long hair for now.

Well my hairdresser told me that Rosie the spider sometimes likes to eat pinky mice. I thought, okay, cool....something different. Then I won't have to feed her for a few weeks. So I went to the pet store and got one pinky mouse on Friday. I gave it to Rosie and tried to forget about it. Saturday was really fun, my brother Steve took me out to breakfast and actually gave me a present!! It's the first time in years because he never had money and now he finally has a steady job!! He and Ron had coordinated and Ron told Steve to get me some fins to body surf with 'cause we were going to the beach on Sunday. Isn't he thoughtful??! Hehehehe! We changed the beach to Sunday because it was easier to coordinate with my cousin. So that was great, I got these awesome fins...but they didn't fit, they were too big. So when I got back from brunch with Steve, Ron and I went to a surf shop over by my work and got me the right size. I then took Ron to see where I work, which was really fun. I'm here alone again for the next few weeks. I really like it. Ron was really impressed with the building and it was so much fun showing him. Then we just went home and relaxed on Saturday night because we were gonna leave really early on Sunday. It was hotter than hell in my place so we just lounged around drinking beers and vodka and played video games. I kept up with him with the drinking and got really wasted. He didn't because he was sweating it all out. Once we settled in the watch a movie,I totally passed out. I don't remember much of anything. Good thing that doesn't happen too often. I like to remember things. I think it was because I hadn't eaten much other than the brunch with my brother. Beer is so filling, too...

So after the movie Ron carries me to bed. He said I was bobbing my head all over the place and smashed him in the face with my chin! Hahahahaha! Such a funny picture! He's all...are you alright?? And I'm like....uh-huh...yea... I don't remember a thing!! Then he told me that the Cuban neighbor from the front house came to the door at 1 a.m. Of course she doesn't speak English and Ron opens the door all bleary eyed and she's like....Yoolie mouse! Pointing toward the street. He said he went up front and there was Swirl on the front lawn!!! She had opened the cage door, I guess I hadn't closed it alla way tight before I put them out on the porch for the night! Hahaha! Little shit! I can't believe her! So Ron goes out front and calls her and she came right to him! Crazy rodent! So I hear about all this in the morning, we got up at seven to get to the beach by nine because we had to go alla way to pick up my cousin and his son. I totally woke up early with no hangover...nuthin'. Amazing! Oh yea, and speaking of mice....Saturday morning I noticed that Rosie still had not eaten the pinky and it was squirming all pathetic in the dirt. I felt so bad...I didn't want it to suffer so I tried to feed it to Stan. He of course just sniffed it. So I brought it over to the rats, thinking they might devour it like my other rat devoured that fuzzy mouse a few years ago. They just sniffed it...so I put it in a paper towel and put it in their cage, hoping they'd eat it. I didn't see it in the towel on Sunday morning so I thought they'd done the deed.

So Sunday we drive out to my cousin's and Ron takes me to grab breakfast at this great little greasy spoon where you get tons of food. We both got eggs and hashbrowns and bacon and sausage. It was HUGE and so yummy to my acid stomach. I hadn't eaten since the brunch the day before, hence my total drunkenness and passing out!! We made it to the beach by 9:15 and grabbed a six pack of beer. They downed five and I just had one 'cause I wanted to swim. Of course the water was FREEEZING! It took forever to get used to and I hadda try several times. Ron kept staring at me in my bikini...it was so lovely. My cousin brought a joint and we took a walk while Ron went in the water with his son. The hilight of the day was when I blew the boys away by swimming way the hell out in the ocean. There were huge waves that day, tons of holes in the bottom because of alla pounders. At one point I tried to 'body surf' and got stuck in the white water...I didn't get slammed though, I got out of it. I looked and saw Ron all far away and I waved and smiled...all the while blowing the water outta my nose! I kept swimming back and forth behind the waves, it was sooo much fun! My first ocean swim of the season! The only problem was the fins were really hurting me. The ones we got are too small (*sigh*) and were rubbing my feet raw in one spot. I wish I coulda stayed in longer. But once we got in both my cousin and Ron were like...WOW! Are you a seal??! For the rest of the day Ron kept saying....that was impressive....Wow.....sexy water mama! Hehehehehee!!! I couldn't wait to show off to him!

We left the beach when it started to get really crowded...around one or so. When we all got back to my house we relaxed and played video games and just hung out. Then we got some huge ass steaks and bbqed on my grill. It was so lovely. It was hot though, and I hadn't put my sunblock on right. I look like I have birthmarks on my body...I'm all splotchy on my chest...some on my butt, the backs of my knees. I'm never gonna have a nice tan, damn it! Hehehehe! Oh yea, and while we were bbqin'...my cousin's son was playing with the rats. Alla sudden he's like...OH MY! Did they have a baby?? The poor pinky was STILL alive and sqirming. By this time it hadn't eaten since Friday. I felt so bad I took it out and went and got some evaporated milk and fed it. Guess what's sitting on my desk right now? I've been feeding it since Sunday. I am a dork and a half. I even added a few rat/mouse pellets to the milk to add vitamins. I can't even kill a pinky mouse. It's so helpless and tiny an' cute. I was gonna take it back to the store, but I think I'm gonna see if I can feed it for a while. I don't know what to do...I'm torn. So for now I'm just fostering it. Doin' a little 'speermint. Fuck, I'm SUCH a nerd ass!!! Who the hell fosters a pinky mouse?? Pfft....

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The email goes on a little more, of course, but that part was my weekend. It was great. I can't believe it's already Wednesday. It's been a nice week. I think today after work I'm going to visit a bird store and start looking at birds. I've posted my parakeets on penny saver on the internet. If that doesn't work I'll probably move on to ebay. I feel bad treating animals like objects, but that's all these are to me. They have no personality and they're still petrified of me after a year. Oh well, I hope they make someone great aviary birds.

Computer woes gone...for now

I forgot to mention here how my home computer is working just wonderfully! I was reading old entries and came across the one where I'm swearing profusely about my computer situation.

Once again, Melanie came over and reformatted my computer. She's got an IT friend who she's copied all the programs from...she's just loaded with everything I need 'cause computers are her hobby. She's got three at home and she's always working on someone or another's computer problems. So we made a nice evening of it, made some artichokes and relaxed. It was cool and now my computer is happy. I am sooooo very careful to download virus updates and scan for viruses and spyware almost every time I use it. Not to mention Windows updates and patches. Gotta keep up on those, too. So for now, it's all good.

Ah, it's time to go home. I'm just wrapping up the works here and then I'm gonna run some errands. I'm also going to start bird shopping. I've posted my budgies on the Pennysaver online. Hopefully they'll sell pretty quickly. I'm really not in too much of a hurry because I've vowed to take my time while I'm looking for another companion parrot. I tend to rush and want things now NOW NOW! Bad habit. Must control myself. So I'm just gonna go and LOOOOK. Animals are like people, they all have different personalities. I need to get a bird that matches my lifestyle and that is somewhat tame. I want to be able to interact with it. I basically want another bird like Pickles and I haven't ever been able to find one. Leonard, the conure I had to get rid of, was almost as sweet as Pickles. But loud and messy. I'm still mad I got rid of her though. Yes, her...I named her before I had her DNA sexed...with lotsa parrots you can't tell what sex they are just by lookin'. She was a cool bird. She talked...said Whatcha doin', Hey Baby, Uh-Oh, Hello (of course), What?...and many combinations of those things. She also danced, which consisted of her swaying back and forth with her wings out going WOO-WOO! WOO-WOO! It was so cute. She made lots of noises, mimicked things, too. She had so much personality. I just want one other bird with personality. So I'm going to take my time.

Okay, I'm off to start my weekend. BYE BYE!

Birthday happenin's

For the first time in a while, I had an absolutely FABULOUS birthday. Not only did I get calls or emails from everyone I care about, Ron totally outdid himself. Well now of course Ron has a key to my place. I gave it to him about a month ago 'cause he comes over late at night a lot and it's nice for him to just be able to let himself in. I don't know why I didn't give it to him sooner. So anyway, I get home from work and couldn't help but notice a BRAND NEW flashy ass stereo in place of my old one that wouldn't play CDs anymore. It's all set up and gorgeous. I almost shit my pants right there... How did he know?? No one has ever done something like that for me. So of course I have to fiddle fart around with it and of course LISTEN to it. Oh man, it sounds GREAT! The speakers are huge and they have subwoofers so the thing shakes the floor! Plus, there was an added bonus...he had gotten the last one so he got the one on display, which had CDs in it. They forgot to take them out so I got two new CDs! I've listened to one of them, it's some artist I don't remember the name of right now but it's great. I haven't listened to the other one yet but it's a band I know. I don't remember the name of that one right now, either...BUT then, a little while later, I go to the fridge for some water and sqeal with delight when I see a huge cake with a dozen roses on top of it and a card. I am overwhelmed with sweetness and I have to call my mom and Melanie right away. Then one of my best friends from highschool, Marguerite, called me from France. Yes, the friend who was studying abroad CALLED. Awwwwww!!! I was so happy to hear from her. She's one of those friends who I don't see too often, but when I do it's like we fall right back into place. Of course I had to gush to her, too. She's so happy for me.

I keep remembering what she told me when she called during my drama with the ex. I was on my way to the dreaded counselor, the one I went to with him after the baby was born, and I was on the verge of tears. I didn't want to tell her what was going on because she thought I was totally done with that dork. I spilled to her and she felt so bad for me. She kept saying..."Oh Julie, honey...OH NO..." She tried to reason with me and one of the things she said stuck. She said that I keep going back for the comfort (I knew that but wouldn't admit it to myself, like most people do) and that we did have something but it's no longer there. Then she said what I'll always remember (I know, finally), that I am an awesome person and that there is not just one person out there for everyone. She told me I have a great personality and that I will meet someone else some day and fall in love and forget AAAaaaalll about the pain I was feeling right then. That couldn't have been more true. It's common logic, actually. That's how life goes. And hey, if this one doesn't work out...there will be someone else. But I'm so in love and so happy. I know it's just the beginning and relationships are work, but it's worth the ride. So yea, Marguerite is da bomb. I love her.

Ahem, so where was I... Oh yea, my birthday. It was great. After listening to music for a while I went to Boston Market an' picked myself up a nice big dinner din din. I even took Pickles (Lovebird) along for the ride. He loves to go on car rides. People always always always ask the same question..."He doesn't fly away???" It's so funny! I'm always like...well no, he can only fly short distances. It helps keep him tame and safe around the house. Plus I like to take him out to see the world. Ya know, since he can't fly and all. So that was fun. It's good for me to take Pickles out sometimes 'cause it helps me work on my social skills, talk to strangers who always come up and ask me about him. 'Cause he's just so damn pretty and cute. Little bastard bird

After The splendid dinner I just relaxed and fell asleep onna couch like a lazy ass. Actually, I was tired because of the lack of sleep. I only got to nap for about 20 minutes before Ron showed up early 'cause he got offa work early. So I woke up for a while and rewarded him for being such a fabulous boyfriend. *wink* *wink* Hehehehehe!

I'm looking soooo very foward to this weekend. We's gon' go to duh BEEEEEEEACH!!! Woowooweewee!!! Hippy hurray! I've been DYING to go. Plus I think my cousin Mark and his son are gonna come along. That should be fun. And with this new short haircut, I get to go in the water and come out and go in and come out and go in and and and...without worrying about my hair being a big, long fro. It'll just dry all nice and cute.

Oh wait, is this a work day? Am I still sitting at work? I guess so. Shit, I guess that means I hafta work. I should really get on it. This online diary shit is getting addicting, just like I thought it would. Awright. I might be back later. Bye bye for now.

Blooh blah blee

WOW!!!!! Not only am I adding yet ANOTHER entry today, I have CHANGED MY TEMPLATE! Thanks Lealoo! Wherever you are! I went to her cute little site, Lilydesigns.com. Great idea to help out all us html illiterates.
So far I've had a lovely birthday. I even got a little bonus check at work! YAY! I've gotten either emails or calls from all the important people (except one, but I forgive her because she's in France studying abroad) and that makes me feel so very good.

I forgot to mention in here that I got a haircut yesterday and I LOVE it! My hair is naturally curly and it's been a little past my shoulders and layered for the past couple of years. I was getting bored with that and needed a bit of a change so I cut off quite a bit. Now it's a little above my shoulders. It's an adorable cut and the best thing is that it'll probably grow out very nicely. I won't have to get anther hair cut for another 4 to 6 months. This is the first time in a long time that I've been excited about a cute haircut. I also stopped by the pet store yesterday to look at some cornsnakes after my hairdresser (another animal freak) told me how cute they are. I'll probably end up getting a snake someday so I was curious to check them out. They're awfully cute....for a snake... Then I just HAD to buy myself a new fishie since it's my birthday and I haven't gotten a new fish in so very long. I had never seen anything like it, that's why I got it. It's a dragonfish. The name doesn't lie, it's got a long body with fan-like frilly fins and purple-ish gold markings. Plus it's got this HUGE gaping mouth and these teeeeeeeeeeeeny lil' golden eyes. Cool lookin' fish, man.

I've also decided to sell my two parakeets and get a different bird. I'm going to take my time in picking out the next bird. I want to interact with it. I still miss the conure I had to get rid of a few years ago when I moved. I got these parakeets a year ago 'cause they're easy maintenance and I really thought I could tame them. The yellow one, Bananas (I know HOW original) is almost tame. This means she'll sit on my finger and not bite the shit outta me. The blue and white one, Apples, is a terrible biter. I stopped trying to handle her after about 3 months of getting bitten. The thing with birds and why most people don't really like them as pets is because they take so much patience and understanding. They're so different from dogs and cats...the main difference being that they're not domesticated. We've only been keeping parrots as pets for about the last 100 years. SO, before I get going on my bird soapbox...I'll save that for another entry. But I want a bird that I can interact with and at the same time can be a friend to my original birdie-bird, Pickles. He's a lovebird and is very bonded to me. So I wanna get him a friend, possibly another lovebird, so he won't be so attached to me. I didn't get a pair originally because I wanted Pickles to bond to me. Lovebirds don't HAVE to be in pairs, just so long as you give them a lot of attention. Oh hell, I'm going on and on again....

So now I can move on to better things, like the fact that I get to go HOME now. Hurray! I'm so very glad. I'm tired 'cause I only got four hours sleep last night. Slept over at Ron's. I don't usually do that because his place is so far from my work. But once in a while it's fine. I just have to get up so much earlier. Yuck, I have that cotton ball eyes feeling again. Awright, on to my way home to relax.

My day

Today is my 28th birthday. Wow. Another year has gone by. It flew the hell by when I wasn't lookin'. That always starts happening as you get older, don't it... Happy Birthday to meeeeeeeee!!!

Falling through

NO...it's NOT fun to play those kinds of things by ear. There must be some planning involved. At least something a bit more strategic... We are so lame. We always end up fucking things up. Well, not ALWAYS, but we almost always end up completely NOT doing what we'd "planned".

So let's get to my shitty weekend, shall we? Well, my weekend wasn't that shitty. It really could have been much worse I suppose. It's just that shit fell through, like it always does. To start things off, we...totally...lagged...when...it...came...to...getting...ready. Second, the drive was a lot further than originally calculated. It was to be seven hours instead of five. By the time we were all done getting ready it was 11:00 p.m. This is another thing Melanie and I aways do when we're planning to leave...we take FORfuckingEVER to get going. We decided to rethink whether or not we want to drive ALL the WAY to the artichoke festival, spend a few hours there and drive ALL THE WAY back. Hmmmm.....we make up our minds that we simply cannot go that far in one night, that if we would have been able to leave earlier in the afternoon things would be better. So we decide, instead, to drive to Santa Barbara and spend the day there. It's a much shorter drive and we calculate our arrival time to be about 3:00 a.m. Which it indeed was. Then we hit a snag, a BIG ASS snag...no place to stay. We thought ahead enough to write down the phone numbers of the Motel 6s and such in the area, but soon discovered that they were all booked. Who'da thunk a major tourist town would be all booked up at 3:00 a.m.?? Not us! We weren't about to pull over at a rest stop and sleep. HELL NO. We're not THAT stupid! Sooooo we ended up turning around and driving right back home. Melanie pulled into my driveway at 5:30 a.m. Such a lovely time of day. No, it really is. I rarely see it. It was a nice drive to a fro, we relaxed, talked and listened to music. Plus we got to take Melanie's lovely car...a 2002 Nissan Xterra. It was a comfy drive at least and I'm thankful that Melanie drove. She's a great driver. That did make the whole thing suck less. It was fun...sorta. I like to stay up all night sometimes.

So when I got home, needless to say, I went to sleep. Four hours later, Ron shows up. I had told him he could come by to use the computer to look something up about the bike show he was going to on Saturday. I heard him opening the door, peeked outta my bedroom and almost scared the shit outta him. Hehehehe, the look on his face was pretty funny. So he stuck around for a little while and I dozed on the couch with him. Then he left for the bike show and I went back to bed. I woke up at four and it was hotter than HELL in the house. Of course this weekend, of all weekends, it has to be HOT HOT HOT! And I couldn't go to the beach. Well, I could have, but I wanted to go with Ron and he was busy all weekend with stuff 'cause he thought I was gonna be gone.

Ugh, I've been working on this for too damn long now. I'm busy at work. Bleh. To make a long boring story a short boring story, I ended up doing nothing this weekend. I was too hot and lazy to even exercise. This is becoming a problem. I have plenty of things to do, draw, whatever. I just don't feel like doing them. Once again...I'm a lazy fuck. Oh well, whatever. Ron and I had a nice evening last night anyway, when he got home. We made spags and garlic bread an' meatie bwalls. Nice and yummy.

Ah yes, today I'm PMSing, the weather is cold (I hope I don't catch a cold from all this weather fluctuation) work is busy and I wanna go home. Which I'm going to do. Right. Now.

Artichoke fest

Hi there. Wow, it's Friday the 13th. Isn't that grand? It's gonna be a fun weekend. Melanie and I are finally going to make it up north to the artichoke festival. Yes, we are dorks like that...gonna go eat artichokes fried, artichokes baked, artichokes steamed, artichokes barbequed artichokes artichokes ARTICHOKES. We love them and have been planning on going to this festival for the past four years, 'cept something always comes up. Not this year. This year we get to just take off and go have fun for a few days. I can't wait. I'm looking forward to the drive, too. It's FIVE hours up north. I don't know what it is but I just love long drives. Especially when someone else is driving! So we're probably going to leave around 8 or 9 tonight, get there and take a nap in the car and then head to the festivities. It goes from noon 'til six on both Saturday and Sunday. So we're not sure when we're going to leave tomorrow. We may finish it out or head home early. It's fun to just play these things by ear.

I'm kind of down today. I'm not getting my raise that I'd hoped for. At least not THIS pay period anyway. May 11th marked my two year anniversary at the company and one year since my last raise. I emailed the owner, my other boss, in Poland, patting myself on the back for being here two years...you know, as kind of a *hint* *hint*. All I got was a vertual pat on the back and congrats from her. Great. Thanks. I guess I can't just EXPECT a raise, even though the company is doing better than it had last year AND I've "improved 100%" (as quoted by the owner) from the slacker dork I was when I started here. Oh well, I guess I'll ask my boss who is here with me every day how he thinks I'm doing and if there's anything I can improve upon. I did the same thing last year when I hit the year mark. There are no annual evaluations here. I just have to do it myself. I'm just afraid I've hit the ceiling here as far as salary and that I'm going to have to *gulp* go back to school and get more training in order to be worth more. It sucks because I hate school AND I hate working, even if it's doing something I'm supposed to enjoy. I've got a couple more illustration projects on the table and I JUST DON'T FEEL LIKE DRAWING. Ugh. Fuck, what is wrong with me?? I wonder how many times that particular rhetorical question has been asked on the internet. I should do a survey... Fuck, I'm just a lazy bitch. I shoulda been born a cat. My favorite thing to do is daydream. Wish I could make a career outta that.

Working for small companies is cool, but it sucks too. The main thing that sucks is the fact that I don't have insurance coverage. I have to buy my own. All I can afford right now are bullshit 'savings plans' that gouge my pocket and don't save me SHIT on my expensive fucking medication. I was very disappointed this week to find that the new plan I just bought saves me a whole .75 on my meds. Fucking BULLSHIT. I guess it's back to the drawing board, but not before losing lots of money. I'm good at that.

I'm just bummed. I shouldn't be. I keep thinking mind over matter. Don't worry so much. Ron keeps telling me not to worry but he just doesn't understand. It'll take him more time I guess. I've told him that this is just ME, this is how I am. I'm sorry. He of course tells me I don't have to apologize for being the way I am, that he'll help me, don't worry... I can't help but worry, almost constantly. It's a lot better since I'm taking this stupid medication though. I just keep going around in the same damn circle. Little improvements here and there but it's always the same. I'm sorry, I just can't be happy all the time. I have the bored feeling again. I think this trip will help. I wish I could go somewhere with Ron, but we're both broke. AGAIN. I suppose we could do something cheap...I'm so bad at planning things. I always leave it up to the guy. I shouldn't do that.

I've been adding to this all morning. I need to close this distraction and get back to focusing. Something that's almost impossible for my bored mind to do. I might write later.

Still lazy

OH yea...and I laid in bed again this morning like a lazy bum when the alarm went off. I was a couple of minutes late for work again. This is bad. Very very very bad. I have to do something about it. Like get the fuck outta bed when the alarm goes off! Let's see what happens Monday, shall we?

Dull afternoon

Okay, another dull Friday afternoon. Waiting for the day to end...so I have to write about it. I'm kinda depressed. I gotta snap out of it. I'm just in another blah-don't-feel-much-like-doing-anything mood. I did my laundry last night like a good girl. Tonight I have to jog. It'll be a short one, but I have to do it because I'm going to go out to eat later with my friend Lisa. I haven't seen her in ages. We have lots to catch up on and we'll most likely do so sitting across from each other at some lovely Italian restaurant.

So I'm here alone. Both the shipping lady and the boss are gone for the weekend. I'm stuck here waiting for the fucking UPS man who comes later and later every damn day. We close at four and have told them this a million times. They were doing better for a time there, but I guess they changed routes again or something because he's getting here after four more often than not. Uck.

When I get outta here I have to go get some crickets for Rosie the tarantula. My weekly trip to the pet store. I have too many damn pets...GAH! I think I need to get rid of my rats though. Poor Ron had another horrible allergic reaction to them last night. He decided to come over again last night, which was a great treat. I was asleep on the couch as usual, but he woke me and we had some fun before going to sleep. But the poor guy's nose was running the entire night. He had to go home in the middle of the night, around 3:30 I think it was, because he just couldn't take it anymore. He couldn't sleep at all. I feel so bad...he keeps telling me it's not my fault. I just HAD to go out and get these damn rats though. They're too much for him during this horrible allergy season. He tells me to wait 'til summer to see if things calm down. I'm at a loss, I don't know what to do. Poor poopie is home sick instead of working tonight, I just found out. I guess I'll be going to his house after my dinner out. I don't care if he has a cold or the flu ('cept for the barfies...HELL NO) I'm going over there to cuddle with him. Okay, time to go call UPS and bug them to come pick up the ONE lousy package we have going out today. Buh-bye.

Lazy bum

Why am I having such a horrible time waking up in the morning?? I've started a terrible habit in which a roll over and turn the alarm OFF when it wakes me...instead of hitting the snooze button. What the hell?! I never ever used to hit snooze, now I'm turning the damn thing off! I'm not even aware of it! It sucks because I keep being late for work. Well, arriving after 8:00, that is. It's usually only one or two minutes after 8:00, but still, I'd much rather be at work a few minutes early. That's only logical....*sigh* I need to start setting my alarm for waayyy early so I can hit snooze forever. Oh no, I've turned into one of THOSE. I never thought I would. I always used to get out of bed before the alarm even went off! Seems that's not the case anymore. I'm just not a morning person and it's getting worse.

At least today is Thursday, that's cool. I have to try to do laundry tonight...that's not cool. Blech. I went jogging yesterday and my legs are ever so sore, but that's a good thing. So far I've managed to do everything I set out to do this week. Now it's just the laundry. Even if I just do one or two loads. It shouldn't be a problem since I don't have plans for tonight. Ron has come over every night this week so he won't be coming tonight....*sniff* So that gives me time to get some laundry done and go to bed early so I can hopefully get up before the damn alarm goes off.

Okay, time to go run some errands. I have to run to Staples and pick up the mail from the PO box. Oh so very exciting. I might write more later if my home computer is in a good mood tonight.

Sleeping and Jogging

I am so awake today, man. More awake than I've been in weeks! I fell asleep last night at 8:30 and didn't wake up until 7:15 this morning! Once again, I attempted to take a nap while waiting for Ron to get off of work and come over. Once again, I slept like a log and didn't even wake up when he got there. He said he gave me a kiss and I just flailed my arms and groaned so he left me alone. Shit, I feel so bad! I guess I needed to sleep though...and damn if I don't absolutely LOVE sleeping. It's one of my favorite things to do. Sad, but true.

So Monday I managed to do some exercises when I got home. I did some sit ups and push ups, leg crunches, jumping jacks, leg lifts... It felt good and I'm nice and sore today. Even more than I was yesterday. So today I'm going to try to take it easy and just do a short easy jog. I'm probably going to go over to my brother's area because I'm tired of my neighborhood. I need a change of scenery every now and again. It should be nice and challenging anyway, as there are tons of hills over there. I'll probably end up walking most of them! Ah, but anything is better than nothing, which is what I've been doing lately. I needed some time off though. I was getting burnt out. Plus I'm trying to cut back on eating so much. After I finished off the Easter candy, I felt like such a fat glutton. I haven't had too much chocolate on my weeks off of exercising so I feel better. I have to get rid of the notion that I can just eat whatever the hell I want since I'm exercising. I'd have to run at least 25 miles a week to be able to just eat like a hog. I KNOW that's not gonna happen.

So there's not much going on lately. I'm glad...just the same 'ol poo every day. I can't believe my birthday is just around the corner. I'm gonna be 28! Wow! I love having a May birthday, spring is my favorite time of year. I'm not sure what I'm doing for my birthday just yet. I don't really care, I'm not one to expect too much on the day. Hopefully I'll get a few calls from the important friends. I KNOW I'm gonna get the infamous "Happy Birthday" song phonecall from my parents in the morning. Hehehe! It's so silly, but they have to do it every year for all three of us. They just know we're sitting there rolling our eyes and smiling! Also coming up in May is my two year anniversary at this job. I can't believe it's been two years already. This is the first time I've had the same job for that long. I actually stayed somewhere long enough to get some raises! I'm hoping to get a fairly decent raise this year, as I've improved a lot over the past 10 months. I was a total slacker last year because I really didn't care about this job. This was just supposed to be temporary, like every other job I've had. I'm glad I decided to settle and actually LEARN about the company and concentrate on doing a GOOD job...istead of just getting by. All that temping I did a few years ago just stuck me in that 'temporary' frame of mind. Not any more. I like it here now and realize it could be much much worse.

I hope it doesn't rain today. There's supposed to be yet another huge storm coming. I want to go jogging and Ron wanted to go ride his bike at the track tonight. He's been meaning to do that for weeks but has just been too busy and tired. I hope he gets to do it 'cause it makes him so happy. I wish I could say the same for jogging.... Hehe...

Okay, back to work. It's kind of a slow week still and that puts boss man in a bad mood. I'd better work on some crappy long term shit I've been putting off. Ick. Yuck. Pooh. Later!

Yet again

Awww shithole....another MONDAY after a wonderful WONDERFUL weekend. *sigh* It was glorious. I really enjoyed the shower I went to on Saturday. It was so nice to see all those people that I hadn't seen in so very long. Plus I really enjoyed spending time with my mom.

Saturday night was a blast. Ron got to my house just a little while after I got home from my parents. We just hung out and played games, Scrabble and Mario Brothers. Then we tooled around on my computer.... OH YES! How could I forget...good 'ol Melly darlin' came over Friday night and loaded some spyware software onto my computer. Then we scanned and scanned and scanned and kept finding shit. Ron and I were scanning on Saturday night, too, and just kept finding more and more shit. I feel so stupid, how could I not know that this was spyware? That's one of the most common problems now. Why?! Why do these stupid computer geek motherfuckers have to sit around and consciously WORK on developing problems for the rest of us?! Fucking ASSHOLES! Once again, Melanie saves the day. She also showed me how to open up the internet through 'My Computer' since my internet explorer got all fucked up and needs to be re-installed. Yay.

I'm such a dorkus...yesterday I made this HUGE playstand for my birds. I took the top off of the parakeet cage and added it to my existing playstand, put a whole bunch of toys and ropes all over the place.... It's 'cause the parakeets have their flight feathers and they're not tame so I may as well let them fly around. Pickles, the lovebird, likes nothing more than to hang out on my shoulder during out time. Although, I think I'll probably let him grow his flights so he can fly around with the parakeets. He needs to learn some maneuvers. I got him when he was about two months old and he's now four. I've kept him clipped because it helps keep him tame and I also like to take him on little "outings" occasionally. I'll take him with me to the store or for a walk around the neighborhood... Sometimes I'll let a few of his flights grow in and he's able to get across the room. But he needs to learn basic flight and landing a little more. Plus I want to teach him to fly to me. That could be useful someday, just in case he ever gets out.

Ron and I had stayed up really late so we spent yesterday just lounging around. I went in the bedroom to take a nap and woke up to the wonderful smell of garlic. While I was sleeping away, sweetheart went out and got all the fixin's for a fabulous steak dinner. So we feasted and then lounged some more. It was glorious.

Today has been really slow at work so far. It's that time of year. Spring and summer are always kind of slow. I can't wait to go home, I hate slow days. I have to do some sort of exercise when I get home, too. I've been slacking for the past couple of weeks. I'm going to slowly get back into it, do some situps and pushups tonight. I'm not going to go for a jog until Wednesday or so. Ugh, I've been so bad.

Okay, I've thought of some slow day things to keep me busy...I'd better get to it since my boss is back in town.

Should we talk about the weather??

Oh yes...and IT'S RAINING AGAIN! AAAAAAARRRGGGHHH!!!!! It's supposed to fucking rain all weekend. I wanted to go for a bike ride at the beach on Sunday! WWAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!! Plus I wasn't expecting it to be so mutherfucking NIPPLE ASS COLD TODAY! I'm f-freezing! I've got the heater on full blast. What the hell made me think I could wear a skirt and sandles today??! Maybe the fact that the fucking SUN was out just YESTERDAY??! MAYBE??! Shit, what a spoiled pansy Californian I am. People in other states are dealing with all sorts of freezing misery and I'm complaining because it's below 70 today. Boo-fucking-HOO! It's just...it's just that.....consistency! I want consistency! Uh-huh, never gon' happen. Kay, back to work. No really, yea....

Mumbojumbo

Well well well.... My stupidfuckingpeiceofgoddamnmotherfuckinghorseshitsonofabitchass home computer is BROKEN AGAIN! AAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!! ARGUGUGUGUGHHGHGHGHG!!!!! *Puff* *Puff* This has not been the greatest of weeks. Mostly because I've been just plain TIRED and run down and haven't felt like doing much else but sleep in front of the t.v. I've just been dragging myself through each day, doing what absolutely HAS to be done. I have a million things to do that I just plain don't feel like doing....laundry, grocery shopping, cage cleaning, phone calls, blah blah blah.... I haven't even felt like cleaning the fish tank! Oh MY! It's usually very relaxing to me, fiddling with fish poo. Don't ask me why. I finally got around to it last night, I've been putting it off for a couple of weeks now. At least that's done.

The computer thing really really really PISSES me off though. I JUST got the fucker up and running happy again. Then, out of nowhere...BZZT! VIRUS! Seems my shitty ass anti-virus wasn't running. I don't know what happened. I was on THIS SITE, reading someone's diary when I clicked on the God-for-saken link that threw my computer into spasms. I'm paying for fucking DSL, damnit, I want to be able to USE it! So now I have to wait for Melanie to come over and rescue me again. Ron's pretty good with computers, too. He was able to spot five viruses the other night. He says he got rid of them, but it's still not working. I don't know...I just don't have the patience (or the money) for it. I just wish the shit would work without breaking every five fucking minutes. I need a Mac. FUCK MICROSOFT! FUCK THEM ALL TO HELL!!!!! Awright...enough, I'm pissing myself off again...pfft, what else is new.

So anyway, the same day my computer exploded, my brother was over at my house for the first time in forever. I miss him. Ever since he and I obtained new partners, we haven't had much time to hang out. I count him as one of my friends. He's so funny and cool to hang out with. The only thing about him, is that he's kinda selfish. He tends to not be interested in things unless there's something in it for him. I guess that stems from the fact that he's had a really hard couple of years. He was out of a job for a long time and having such a horrible time just surviving. All in the name of getting into the career path he'd been trying SO very hard to get into for the past ten years...sound engineering. The guy is extremely talented and has a fabulous ear. He's a complete whiz at pro-tools and computers and all that shit. His main problem was the fact that when he finally decided to try, full time, to get into the field, it was already saturated by all the college grad fucks. Well, he's finally gotten his dream sound engineering job making great money. I'm so proud of him....he struggled for so long. But in the process, he's become so preoccupied with himself and his needs.

So, anyway...I finally saw him on Tuesday. I had called him a week before and left a message, he never called me back. So I called him again on Tuesday, left him a message to "please call me back you BUTTMONGER!" This got a response. We decided to hang and he needed to work on his brakes in my driveway. We had a good plan, he'd work on his car, I'd tool around on the 'puter and take care of the pets and then we'd make a nice dinner. It all went to shit after less than an hour. He started having major problems trying to fix his car, my computer fucked up... After three hours I gave up on the computer, he gave up on his car because it was getting dark and I was starving. He wasn't hungry because he'd just eaten a few hours before. I had to eat so I did while he tried to figure out what the fuck was up with my shitty computer... I ended up having to drive him all the way to his girlfriends because he couldn't fix the car. I was tired and cranky by the time I got home. An altogether shitty evening.

That is...'til good 'ol Ron came over. I had my undies all in a knot, stressed out over miscellanious bullshit. He helped me to completely relax within five minutes of his arrival. We had a few beers, watched some t.v., cuddled. Then he worked on my computer some while I went to sleep. That's when he managed to find the viruses. The next morning my brother got a ride back early to try to do something about his car. Ron was there 'til about one, when he has to leave for work. He helped my brother with his car some (he's just a Godsend, that boy, knows about CARS too....*sigh*....I'm so in love...he's SUCH a man...ahem) and even gave him a ride to work. That day I really didn't feel like working, I was sooooo very tired. I don't know why.

After work I'd promised to go pick up a 55 gallon fish tank from some friends. I'd babysat for this wonderful family's two girls for almost ten years. I've known them for 12 years now and I still pet sit for them occasionally. The one girl has had this fish tank since she was five. They replaced it with an acrylic tank about five years ago. I'd always help her with it 'cause I'm the fish nerd and she could never really keep it clean. She'd always get nasty snail infestations, too. I knew I'd end up with this tank. The girl is gonna be a senior in highschool next year and she just doesn't have time for it anymore. Naturally they offered it to me. FINALLY! I've been waiting for this! I'm a dork! But picking it up was a major pain. I had to help drain it, take some of the fish back to the pet store, blah. Putting it in my car was a drag and a half. The mom helped me. So by the time I got home I was so exhausted. I was expecting Ron so I wanted to take a nap and then work on the tank when he got there. Naps never work out for me. I always end up falling asleep and being dead tired when I wake up. So Ron got there, let himself in and woke me gently. I was in a piss poor mood again...but not for long :) But I started complaining about how I had to clean my filthy tank, there's a stinking tank in my car, I'm tired...yadda yadda. Well, he took that tank out of my backseat all by himself. He told me to stop freaking out, there's plenty of time to do everything.... I'm such a stupid stress case sometimes, I swear. He helped me relax once again and we played a nice game of Scrabble. I kicked his butt again! But only for the second time.

Yea, so I'm just rambling on about this week, aren't I? All in all it's really been okay, I've just been feeling a little low. I, and I'm sure billions of others, go through these times occasionally. For no good reason. There are so many other huge problems in the world and I'm worried about cleaning my stupid fish tank. Fuck.

So tonight I gotta go to my parents. No usual drive out to Ron's to spend a lovely weekend with him. I don't get to see him 'til tomorrow night. I'm going to my parents tonight because they live about an hour away and I'm going to a baby shower with my mom tomorrow at 11:00 a.m. The shower is another hour out from my parents. There is no way in HELL I'll make it on time if I leave from my house tomorrow morning. This shower is for one of my mom's good friend's daughters. I used to play with her as a kid. I haven't seen much of her through our teenage/adult years. Last I saw her I think it was her wedding....four years ago. I'm sorta looking foward to this, but I'm not too fond of baby showers. They bore me to fucking TEARS.

Okay, time to get back to work and finish out the day. My boss comes back Monday and I should really make sure everything is done. No more slacking.....for now. Later!

Crappy ass week and continuation

Ugh..what a crappy ass week. I feel like I have so much to do, but I'm just too damn tired to do it. I had a great weekend again. Partied all weekend like a bad girl. Of course that's why I feel like shit this week. I just don't want to deal with ANYthing. It's all a drag. I just want to go to sleep. I'm alone at work for the next few weeks, so I simply MUST come into the office. Damnit.

My internet at home is screwed up. I still have to call SBC and deal with that. My fish tank looks like a cesspool, to me anyway. It's not that bad, but I usually don't let it get this way. I'm just not in the mood to clean it. My pets usually make me so happy, but I feel like getting rid of ALL of them right now. 'Cept good 'ol Stan. Kitties are never that much trouble. I'm beginning to regret getting those rats though. They're really sweet, cute and smart but I just don't have the time to let them out every day. Swirl is so rambuncious and needs to get out for exercise on a daily basis, but it's such a pain. I try to let them out in the bathroom, where they can't get into anything, but that's too small. Then I try to let them out in the back room, but Swirl gets under the door, the little shit. I stuffed towels under the door the other day and she PUSHED them out! She loves to go into my bedroom and under the bed. A few times I've found her IN my bed...EEEeewwwww!!!! I had to change the fucking sheets! I guess the main problem is that I don't want them in the bedroom. It has two doorways, one of which does not have a door on it. I suppose I could rig something up with my room divider. Yea, all I have to do is use my brain and I'll figure something out that's not too much trouble. But damn, all these pets. Ugh. At least they can entertain themselves in their cages. Can't do that with kids. That's why I'm waiting 'til I'm REALLY SURE before I have (if I have) kids.

So what the fuck was I rambling about? Oh yea, life sucks. No, it doesn't. I'm in love and I have a good job and a roof over my head and a wonderful family. Yay. I'm just going through that down time that I usually go through about once or twice a month. Dragging my ass this week.Okay, so I guess I should finish the ex story. I'll do a quick summary.... As I think I've said before, the first three years were great because it was my first real love and I was still learning. I ingnored some HUGE red flags. The guy had personality problems, he was a major passive aggressive, racist, momma's boy son of a bitch with a very fucked up temper. He'd get so frustrated with trying to figure things out (the computer, the fish tank filter, the car) and he'd throw a fucking temper tantrum. I was with him for six years total and broke up with him three times. He'd always be so upset and I'd always go back due to my own insecurities. He acted like he needed me so much, would walk on eggs in the beginning, and then it was back to the same 'ol shit. Every. Single. Time. I'm a slow learner, but I did learn a helluva lot from this relationship. It was like FOUR fucking relationships in ONE!

The last time I left him (well, second to last, but I don't really count the LAST last time) we were living together and engaged. We only lived together six months and we had only been engaged for three and a half weeks. I freaked out at the prospect living the rest of my life with this person. I just had this nagging feeling and I couldn't ignore it. I realized that I was a different person when I was with him. I wasn't completely comfortable, even though I thought I was.

So my friend Melanie (God bless her, I don't know what I'd do without her) helped me move the fuck outta that place while he was at work one day. It was the only way to do it. I couldn't very well 'prepare' him for something like that because I knew he would try his best to talk me out of it. It was a crazy day, Melanie came over and we packed as much of my shit into trash bags as we possibly could. Then she took it to her place and I stayed to gather up a few last things. As I was stuffing the bird cages into my car, he gets home from work. I guiltily walk up the driveway and as he's getting out of the car with a baffled look on his face...I tell him we have to talk. He's like..."OOOooh noooooo, not again!" I don't remember exactly what I said (it's been almost two years now) but I basically told him that I was sorry, that I couldn't marry him, it just didn't feel right. He begged me not to go, to reconsider, no relationship is perfect, we could work it out...blah blah blah. He ripped the ring off my finger. He pleaded some more. HE CALLED HIS MOTHER. Yes, he put me on the phone with his MOTHER (by this time I was sobbing, I couldn't take it anymore) and had HER try to convince me that marriage would be fine. WHAT IN THE FUCK???!!! That pretty much sealed the deal right there. I knew I was doing the right thing. I don't remember what I told her, but she let me go because I don't think she could understand me...I was kinda gettin' hysterical at this point.

The last thing I remember was walking down the driveway with the cat carrier. I should NOT have looked back, but of course I did. I saw him crying on the balcony, waving pathetically. I spent the next month and a half living with Melanie in her one bedroom condo with my two birds and cat. It was so stressful for the both of us. Poor Melanie was out of a job at the time, I had just started the one I'm at now. So...new job, breakup, no place to live, pets all over the place. I was so fucking stressed. Oh yea, and for the first week...Mr. Dork CALLED me and kept trying to negotiate with me. I finally emailed him telling him it was over and he didn't bug me again.

I managed to find my cute backhouse, moved and got settled. I dated, had a rebound relationship (that was a small emotional hell in itself, crazy clingy guy) worked, slept, and got on with life. Sorta. I managed to stay away from dork for eight months. 'Til I was drunk and lonely one night in January. Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, BAD ME!!!!! All my fault. I should have never called him. He should have never talked to me. But we ended up trying to be 'friends' for the next several months which of course led to ONE more try in August of '04. The end of August through the beginning of October was a horrible time. Funny how when your brain is telling you it's completely WRONG and your heart is telling you it's right and comfortable you think you're confused. Well, I guess it is confusion. We made the dreadful mistake of going to the beach together one day and acting like it was 'old times'. Okay, I admit, I was feeling sorry for him because he had knocked up his girlfriend (his rebound that he'd gotten with right after I left him) and was all fucked up. He'd dated and fucked the chick for about four or five months...broke up with her in January '04 because he finally got the balls to. He told me she was a pain in the ass, clingy, stupid, ignorant, annoying...wanted a baby (uh-OH! RED FLAG, STUPID) because her ex-husband beat her and she lost her first one. It's such a stupid mess. So we go to the beach and then go to one of our favorite restaurants afterwards....then of course end up gettin' drunk and sleeping together. NOOOOoooooooo!!!!

So that starts my six-seven weeks of hell. I don't want to tell my family or friends because I'm so ashamed of myself for going back AGAIN. I start blaming myself for leaving him and for him going off and possibly getting some other bitch pregnant. He kept telling me at first that he wasn't sure it was his. He'd been going to a counselor since I left him again, the same couple's counselor that we'd gone to when we got back together before. Note to self: If you have to go to a fucking counselor BEFORE you're even MARRIED, it most likely ain't gon' work out. Anyway, the couselor (who turns out to be a horrible counselor, by the way) has put it into his head that this bitch is probably a liar, among other things. That she's probably been out screwing others and it may not be his kid. Of course she wants to keep it. Oh yes, this is the kind of person she is.... Finds out she's pregnant and QUITS her job, gets on WELFARE and moves back home to her parents! What a great woman!

Okay, so this is what I'm dealing with. I finally break down and tell my parents because I have a horrible time keeping this in. They are so supportive. They tell me that everyone makes mistakes, that if it's going to work out it will, don't worry, everything will be fine. My mom told me to see how he handles this situation. See how he treats me during all of this. That will tell me whether or not this is right, ONCE AND FOR ALL. She was so right, of course. He handled it all wrong. He made me feel awful through the whole ordeal. I kept having breakdowns and blaming myself for leaving him and him getting into this mess. First he'd tell me that he forgave me, that everything will be fine...then he'd throw it in my face that I left him so very many times and make me feel guilty as hell. The guy LOVED to play on my guilt complex. Fucker.

In the end, I realized (FINALLY) that this just wasn't right. He was not worth all of this. I didn't want to raise some other bitch's kid. Some other bitch who is so fucking DUMB. This wasn't my fault at all. What I'd done, which is left him several times 'cause I couldn't make up my fucking insecure mind, could be healed and worked out. What he'd done, which is knock up some crazy bitch he'd met on the internet, could not be healed. I was to either deal with it or forget it. He didn't realize how much he was asking of me. The baby was due at the end of September. Then he'd get a DNA test to find out if it was his for sure. In the mean time, he'd go with her to the doctor, he'd help out with the baby's room, he'd stockpiled a shitload of diapers in his garage. This was driving me OUT OF MY MIND with jealousy, insecurity, regret... We were both going to the counselor at this point. Since I didn't have insurance, he paid for my visits. Aww, what a sweetie. Fucker. We went together a few times and by ourselves a few times. This counselor was horrid. She actually told me that I would have a hard time finding someone else who would 'adore' me as much as this asshole did. PFFT!!! HA! Stupid bitch didn't see my side at all. She'd always defend him.

Well, I basically found out where I stood when the baby was finally born. While I was at home, seething with anger and jealousy, he was at the hospital with her. He came home with a goddamned band on his wrist...all reflective... I told him what the counselor had advised that we handle the situation. That he should not rub this baby shit in my face, that it was too much for me to deal with. That he should respect the fact that I needed him because I was feeling terribly insecure. He agreed, but then he'd go right back to driving me nuts. I'm tired of telling this story now. I basically realized what an immature peice of shit he is by the way he acted during the seven weeks before that baby (which is 99.9% his, by the way) was born. If I had problems with him before, this just sealed the fucking deal. NO WAY, I decided. I DON'T NEED THIS. HE IS NOT WORTH THIS. GOODBYE!! I told him I didn't want to work it out anymore, that it was done. What's done is done. I continued to talk to his best friend for a little while, even had a little rebound fling with him. HA! But then I started feeling guilty about that, too. I really didn't need any of these people in my life anymore. I decided to move on and I'm so glad. I finally got the closure I needed. Now I never want anything to do with that fuckhole again.

I just need to be indifferent now and I'm working on it. I have to get this out of my head. I've already thrown out some pictures and practically all the bullshit cards he gave me. 'Cept for the ones from the beginning when the relationship was special. This WAS my first love. Thank GOD I didn't marry him. I'd be miserable, even if he hadn't knocked up another woman.

My goodness, this turned out to be a long entry. I'm done for now. I've got lots of work to do. I finished my coffee and feel somewhat awake now. It's time to work. Uck.

Break

Hey, I'm at home. Pretty cool to be adding an entry from home. I'm just sitting here waiting for Ron to get here.

I keep meaning to add an entry, or start one...but I keep remembering that I started the ex saga. I don't necessarily HAVE to finish the whole story all at once though. I can go back to it whenever I want.

So...my day....my week. It was all good. I went to my tax guy today and found out that I'm getting a return this year. A nice one, too! Last year was the first (and I will make sure it's the last) year I had to pay out. I had to work under the table at my new job for the first few weeks I was there. So this year I was at the same job and didn't have ten thousand W2s like I had previous years when I did a lot of temp work. Plus my salary is steadily going up, which helps a lot. It's cool that I made it to my appointment 'cause I almost forgot about it.

Hmmm, not too much else going on. I'm IMing with a guy I dated for a short time before Ron. We only dated a few weeks 'cause it just wasn't happenin'. I'm trying to be 'friends with him, but I don't know how. I'm so bad at having guy friends. When I broke up with my ex...almost two years ago now, I dated and messed around with some random guys. It was my first real 'dating' experience, actually. This guy is one I met online on a friend website. We talked for about four months before we actually met up. He seemed cool at first, like they ALL do. But then, time always tells the truth in terms of whether ya'll is gon' work out or not. Anyway, we chatted a lot...it was the basis of our relationship...online chatting, the occasional get together, movie watch, make-out, sex session...out to eat blah blah. It took only a couple times for the little thing we had going to crash. It went from...'Oooh, you're kinda cute to 'Eh' within a short time. At first I was just driven by hormones, and he DID smell good and have a cute smile. But when there's no spark, there's no way around it. Yea, I know. It's called DATING.

So anyway, I'm chatting with him right now. He popped online, wondering why on earth I'd be online on a Friday night when I have a boyfriend. It's, of course, weird trying to be friends after you've slept together. Awkward, 'specially when one of you has since moved on. He is still single. And looking. And asking about my boyfriend. I get that vibe. It's not gonna last. I suck at having guy friends. It just doesn't work for me. But guys are so much cooler than girls in some ways. It's good to have them as friends. It balances the scales. But, you gotta get that sex thing outta the way. I've had this discussion with my friend Melanie, actually. She agrees that the sexual part usually gets in the way. But there are rare circumstances in which a friendship can sprout...ooh, shit the parakeets are flying around the house..... Shit, Apples is missing. I'd better go find her before Stan kitty does. Time to put the birdies away and then I think I'll go play Nintendo. Haven't played it since the other night. Time for some Mario 2. Later.

Continuation...sorta...

Ahh, Thursday already. I had a great weekend and the week is shaping up nicely. PUH-lusss, I get PAID today! Wooo-hoooo! And it all goes to RENT! Yippie-kie-yeaaayyy!
I have a lot of end of the month shit to do today...bleh. Oh well, it's good to have this lovely diary to distract myself as I move through the day. It's almost lunchtime, too. The day is flying.
So my parents met Ron for the first time this past Sunday. It was great, they had invited him to Easter dinner. We all had a lovely time. It was one of my brothers and sister-in-law and the two kids, my mom, dad, my brothers MIL, Ron and I. They really liked him and I was proud to introduce him.
I'm happy because I finally got my computer back from my friend. It was all fucked up and one of the hard drives had died. It's still got a pretty big drive left though, and now it's all clean and protected. I lost a lot of stuff, but it wasn't really important. Plus, I probably still have some of the older stuff on my old hard drive. I'm so very thankful to have a great friend who knows how to deal with (and has the patience for) computers. I'd been doing pretty well with the maintenance thus far, but the shit really hit the fan and demanded a total reformat this time. So I am with computer AND I got an old Nintendo video game system from my cousin over the weekend. The cousin that introduced Ron and I. He's so happy to see us together and it's so cool to be in more touch with him again. Anyway, he and I were talking about old Mario Brothers games and I was telling him how utterly obsessed I was with them as a teen. I've never really been into video games, I actually can't stand most of them... But there's just something about the Mario Brothers series. Those games are just all fun and fantasy. So he told me he had an old Super Nintendo sitting around and would be more than happy to give it to me. He also gave me four games...one of which is Mario Bros. 1 - 3. HOLY SHIT I'M IN HEAVEN! I'm such a dork...I sat there last night just playing the hell outta that thing. Soooo much fun...and of course I got all nostalgic....ah, the old days.
Okay, so where did I leave off on the whole damn ex-boyfriend story? Shit, I'm kinda sorry I started that now. Well, I guess I can go along little by little. It's not toooooo terribly long.....I don't think. Um, so yea...we met and he was my first love. My first EVERYTHING. Things went pretty well for the first three years. Of course there were red flags here and there, but when you're in love (especially for the first time)you tend to ignore these things at first. AT FIRST. Of course I was also young and naive and this was my first real relationship so that's another reason why I was willing to overlook so much. And much I did overlook. The first GLARING problem was the fact that he was divorced. We met and started dating seriously only 4 months after he moved out from the ex-wife's place and into....HIS PARENTS HOUSE. GLARING PROBLEM number ONE, actually. Okay, so he's got an ex-wife, so they didn't work out...he married young and they were only together a total of five years. She drove up the credit card bills and he worked as a seasonal fireman. He made very little money and needed to move in with his parents to get back on his feet. Not a big problem, right? Lotsa people do that, right? Yea...but not everyone has parents who are enablers. Not every man is a momma's boy. Okay, that's it for now. I've been adding to this all damn day and I haven't gotten much of anywhere. Since I now have a PC at home, I will try to continue this tonight while I'm downloading upgrades. Later!

The beginning of the dreaded EX story...we all have one, or two, or...

Look, it's a two entry day! I actually finished most of my work and I get to leave early today. Why not fuck around for the last hour or so, hummm? Just so long as I get everything done, which I have. The important stuff anyway :)
I want to get to the reason why I started this diary. I've never had one before. I've tried doing the journal thing, but I was never one to have an actual diary. I think it'll be interesting to go back and read later. Of course, duh, that's one of the main purposes of a diary, right? Well, I also have an online friend that lives about 400 miles away and we've become pretty close online. I was going through a particularly tough time (thankfully the LAST of a string of many, you know the usual...we never learn) with my ex during the tail end of summer and I found it very helpful to unload all my emotional shit to her online. I could tell her many things that I couldn't tell my family or friends. It's nice to have an arbitrary person to babble to, and get opinions from. I saved some of what I thought were the more intriguing emails to read later. They were great to read after the fact, after I got a whole new perspective...after I dumped his sorry ass. So...that's kinda what this diary is for...
I've noticed while reading along, that there are so many women in these fucked up relationships or who have just gotten out of fucked up relationships and so on and so forth. So I guess I should start with MY story, huh? We ALL have one. Some are more sordid that others...that dreaded ex or exes and the scarring relationship. I'm still pissed about the whole thing, which is a wasted emotion, I know. Espcially since I've got a lovely boyfriend now. I'm supposed to have learned from the last one and moved on by now. Get the FUCK OVER IT! 'Kay, that's another thing this diary should help me with. People are tired of hearing about Mr. shithead. Ssssssoooooooo....I'll hash out an abbreviated version in here and bitch and moan about it whenever the fuck I feel like it...'til I'm completely and totally over it. Yay.
It aaaalll started seven lovely years ago. At the time, I was what I thought a homely 19 year old. I had NEVER HAD A BOYFRIEND! Oh GOD NO! I'm a freak! No one loves me and no one will! Fuck, if you think I'm insecure NOW, I was a total moron back then. I've learned so much about myself and gotten so much self esteem in the last five years it's rediculous. So I'm a fucking late bloomer, who gives a shit! I couldn't even handle a boyfriend in highschool anyway! Sure, I'd had my share of pathetic dates...just a few embarrassing and awkward moments with guys. Hell, I EVEN made it to my senior prom! With some dorkus who "broke my heart". Lesson #1...just because they wanna fuck you doesn't mean they like you. Pfft....duuuuhhh. So then I was off to junior college and waitressing in a restaurant. I stressed out so much during the transition from highschool to college (I fucking HATE school...it wasn't even a REAL college for christs sake) that I broke out in hideous acne. Oh, I thought I had pimples in highschool. No, I didn't even learn the meaning of acne 'til I hit 18 and my face exploded. Hmmmm, adult onset acne. HOW FUN! Just what I need! So I battled the pus face for about a year and then it started to clear up for the most part. I'm one of the lucky greasy Italians who gets pimples. I will get pimples for-fucking-ever. BUT, they're now under some sort of control. So being a late bloomer, low self esteem and all that lame ass youngster bullshit that is sooooo normal kept me from getting my first real boyfriend 'til I was 19. I met...hmmm...what should I call him...I've already used some people's real names so I may as well just use his. It's a stupid ass name and I always hated it...Arn. I ALWAYS had to explain his fucked up name to people...they'd be like "Is that short for Arnold or something?" ALWAYS. I'd be like, no, he's a Scandinavian mommas boy. Okay, so I met ARN at the restaurant I was working at. Picture the shy, cutsie 19 year old hostess/waitress and a 28 year old comes in and asks her out. Well, he had just gotten out a four year marriage and found out that my sister-in-law was still working at the restaurant he used to love to go to before he got married. He was in highschool with her. So he started coming in and noticed me. He asked my sister-in-law if I was dating anyone and she said no, naturally. Sooo...he asked me out. I declined at first because I thought he might be a weirdo (I always attract weirdos, but then again, I'M a weirdo) and he was too old for me. So I told him he was too old for me. Ah, but that fucker was persistent as hell. He continued to come in and just be friendly toward me. At least once a week. I then found out that he was a swimmer in highschool and was still swimming at nights to keep in shape to become a fireman. Ooooh, yes, ladies...a fireman. Uh, so yea, I wanted to swim too 'cause I was a swimmer in highschool too! Holy shit! A common interest. So off we went swimming one night. Then followed the "long talk" and the "first date" and so on and so forth. My 19 year old, inexperienced ass thought I was in love. Yes....it starts. Okay, I thought this was gonna be an abbreviated version...but now I gotta go into all sortsa detail and shit. It's time to go home! I have half day today and damn me if I ain't gon' take advantage of it! I'll continue sometime next week I guess. Bubbye fer now!

Fun, work and insecurities

I can finally add an entry...whew. I've just been too busy to write. Oh yea, and my home computer is still broken. Melanie was all ready to return it last night, but of course the fucker had to start giving her problems. She was gonna call me with an update before ten, but she didn't of course. Mike was coming over to help her and I'm sure they got all high and forgot. Whatever...
I'm slightly pissed because I have to work today and it's Good Friday. Not that I'm particularly religious (I'm what you'd call a non-practicing Catholic...oh the shame my parents feel...). I guess that's what I get when I work for a small religious goods company and my boss goes on vacation. But I'm thankful to have a job. It could be much worse...I could be digging ditches, shoveling shit or working in retail fuckland.
I was invited to go snowboarding with Melanie today too. Fuck. She gets today off and she works for one of the most PAGAN companies there is...Warner Brothers. Ah, but it's a HUGE company and that means there are many religious types working there. I guess it's logical then. Oh well, I can't afford to go snowboarding anyway. With AAALLLL this fucking rain we've been getting, I doubt I'm gonna get to see the snow ONCE this year. Sucks ass.
I had a great end of the week and weekend last week. I ran another five miles on Thursday, which felt great. Saturday Ron, my cousin Mark and his son Mason and I went to the LA County Museum of Art. I hadn't been there in almost ten years. The last time I went was for school. I was all nervous about my assignment so I didn't really enjoy it. This time I did. It was great spending time with my cousin and his son, too. We all laughed and had a good 'ol time. Then we stayed up all night and partied....lovely.
This week has been good. Really busy at work because people are getting all their last minute Easter orders in. Oh yes, and I finally hooked up through my brother. It took forever but it was worth it. Shit, I'm such a pothead. Oh well, it could be worse. I'm not THAT bad. At least I don't smoke it before I go to work and every other hour. Sometimes I even skip a day!
I also got my final drawing ok'd by Lucy. Now I get to ink it. This is going to be a slow project, I'm sure, but it'll be fun. I'd love to see those beautiful astrological calendars turned into books. Lucy did some fanastic writing, she is very talented. So are her twin sisters. The project is on it's way at least...
But I've got the blahs today because I'm just plain tired, too. Haven't gotten too much sleep this week and last night was horrible. I couldn't sleep at all. I fell asleep on the couch and then went to bed around 12:30. Ron was spending the night and he had gotten up really early so he was in bed by 10:00. But once I hit it, I just couldn't sleep....*sigh* When I finally DID fall asleep, I woke up a few hours later to Ron's incessant coughing. He's got asthma and his inhaler ran out. Poor guy... I'm gonna have to do something about all the dander floating around my house. I vacuum at least twice a week, rub the cat down with dander remover...it still doesn't work. It's the weather too, that doesn't help him at all. So he left for work at 5:30 and I drifted in and out of consciousness 'til I had to drag myself outta bed at 6:30. Bleh. I drove all the way to work with a huge scowl on my face. Squinty eyes that feel like I'm wearing cotton contacts.
I was such a bitch to Ron last night, too. Not really a BITCH per se...just kinda bitch-y. Irritated for no good reason and it was lame. Okay, the guy is a musical guru. He plays guitar and knows his shit. He and my cousin are all about music and talent. So anyway, he's not a huge fan of hip hop, rap or dj music. These are some of my favorite genres. I'm not picky, I like all kinds of music...regardless of how much 'effort' the artist put into it. I do like the more underground stuff, but then I appreciate a lot of the more popular stuff. Well, not lately though...I think I'm getting to the age where all that's coming out new lately is just plain garbage. Ron is all about effort and talent and blood sweat and tears when it comes to music. I'm all about...derrr...I like the beat. I'm such a dork though, I get all insulted when people, especially my boyfriend, make fun of the music I listen to. I love music so much, I don't go a DAY without listening to it. The whole thing is, Ron's been turning me on to all sorts of great music (some of it not so great but I dared not say..even though he really wouldn't care because it's ALL OPINION) and I wanted to do the same. He had let me copy a dj cd last week and it reminded me of some of the cool dj stuff I have. So, naturally, I wanted to take a turn...you know...check THIS out dude! Well, what does he do? He starts wincing and telling me it's awful, that they're just stealing other people's music...stuff that those people worked hard on yadda yadda. I'm just sitting there like....but, but I LIKE it. It's fuun! Then I feel like I don't know shit and I can't argue a thing and that my taste sucks. I totally KNOW he doesn't MEAN to make me feel this way because he told me so. He's telling me it's all opinion and he'd just as soon go out dancing to my shit as any other shit. But...but it's not the same. I just can't help it. It's so stupid, I know. I get all insulted for nothing! But still, I just wanted to hear him say, "Wow, this is cool, I like it." But no... Then I put on another one and he thinks it's pretty cool, but by this time he's lost interest and is ready to move on...well, we WERE in my car listening because neither of my shitty CD players in the house works.
I guess this all stems from my insecurities. I don't know HOW many times he's told me how cute, great, beautiful and awesome I am. But, sometimes it seems like he's not listening to me. I've told him this a couple of times. He says he's always listening to me and not to worry. It's just that he should show it more. I want him to at least TRY and act intersted when I'm telling him about things. Sometimes he'll even butt in and start a new thing when I'm in the middle of telling him about something. This is frustrating. He just can't wait to tell me about this car he's seen, or that bike he's seen or has or whatever. But when I'm trying to tell him about my awesome experience of holding a huge parrot...he's barely there. I know we can't all have the exact same intersts and that's what makes relationships interesting. It's great to get new perspectives on things from the other person. It's just that sometimes I don't feel like he's listening or cares...even though he does. I can be a bit too sensitive about it, I know but.... *sigh*
So yea, that was last night. He was like..."You're not MAD are you? It's just my opinion..." I said of course not because I didn't want to make a big deal outta nothing...of course. Yea, everyone has an opinion. I just want him to think mine is cool. He's always the one who knows this and that and has this and that that no one else has or blah blah. Now I don't want to show him anything. I don't even want to listen to my fucking cds anymore. I know, I'm lame. I'll get over it. Fuck, I gotta work. Bye bye.

Burnin'

Ramblings (the first of many, I'm sure)

Okay, it's Tuesday. I managed to go home and do laundry last night. That was oh so very exciting. I got it all done though....well, 'cept for towels. I had three HUGE loads and the towels just would have made another load. Didn't need that. I have plenty of towels to last me 'til the next time I decide to do laundry, in about two or three weeks. I have TONS of clothes, I don't know where they all came from 'cause I haven't bought clothes in ages. I hate clothes shopping.... I hate shopping. Oh yea, duh...my lovely friend Lisa. She's a shop-a-holic, loves to keep up with trends... She's got great taste. She'll tire of some of her older stuff it ends up in her endless pile of give-aways. Then I'm the lucky benefactor. Thanks Lisa! Now be careful with that credit card...
Anyway, laundry got done, pet chores got done...I'm a terrible neat freak...had to make sure everything was straightened up before I could relax. I sometimes hate that about myself. I wish I could just let things go, especially during the week. But no, I have to clean. Well, at least it leaves the weekends mostly free to do what I want...which is usually nothing because I'm fucking broke. Things will get better one day though, right? Yes, of course. Just keep doing what I'm doing even though it sometimes bores me to death.
I'm going through that phase again at the moment...the one where I just feel like fucking everything off and running away. It's very silly, I know. I'm just....bored. I wanna go somewhere beautiful, somewhere I've never been before. I wanna do something I've never done before. I wanna put my fears aside and just run. Last week I hadn't had much of a chance to jog and shit just built up inside me. No, not THAT shit... Other shit...daily irritations that really shouldn't bother me. Every now and again, no matter how well my life is going at the time, I feel like I wanna just BREAK something, kick someone, throw a fit. I don't know what it is...I feel trapped. Like I gotta get OUTTA HERE.
I guess that's what this online diary is for. I can join the masses and write a buncha bullshit online. Have a buncha strangers read it. How fucking COOL is that? Maybe it'll help some, I dunno. We'll see. But I still have that trapped feeling. Like I'm bored with life and I'm too scared to take a risk and DO something about it. Sometimes ya just gotta say fuck it. Uh-huh, I know. FUCK IT.

Monday Blues

Yuck...it's Monday again. At least it's the end of the day. I'm finishing things up here at work and getting ready to go home. I'm kind of depressed today. I usually am after a nice weekend. I don't feel like doing anything. I'm debating whether I should do laundry when I get home. The thought of it is just nausiating. I have at least four huge loads to do. I think I'll just do half tonight. I know I've just gotta do sheets and socks.
I'm broke as hell, too. I've got some big bills coming up and I can't afford to buy anything fun lately. It sucks making little money and having to be responsible. I'm so glad I don't have any major debts. I don't know what I'd do if I did. I'm already a nervous wreck about bills....
Damnit, I have to work on drawings, too. I've been meaning to do it, I'm just not in the mood. I have to mail some drawings off to this guy or he's gonna think I'm a loser. I said I'd do it this week...it's so simple. I've already done most of what I have to do.
*Sigh*....and after spending a wonderful weekend with my boyfriend, I hate that I can't see him again for another two and a half days. That always brings me down. Plus he's probably gonna get another damn job to help pay off his debt so he'll probably be working Saturdays pretty soon. Which SUCKS 'cause he already works nights. We're never gonna be able to do anything FUN. Fuck. Okay....gotta finish up so I can get outta here and go tackle the piles awaiting me in my lovely closet. Ughghghghg....

A bit about ME

Well, I guess I should start out by introducing myself. I'm a 27 year old California native single chick. Been living in LA all my life. I'm hoping to get out of here some day, but for now it'll do. I work in at a small company as an office manager. I'm also an artist and do little freelance projects on the side here and there. I'm pretty happy with my lot in life...though I wish I made more money. Unfortunately, I'm not a very career, goal oriented person. But I'm living one day at a time and so far so good.
I just started a new relationship with a great guy. It's only been about four months so we're still in the 'falling in love' fun stage. I was in a six year relationship before this one...almost got married...EEEeek!! Sooooo very glad I didn't. It was a fun relationship in the beginning, then turned into your typical nightmare. Passive-aggressive types are NOT for me....
Hmmmm....what else about my boring self... I love animals and have a small menagerie at home. I could never live without some sort of pet in my life. Always had an aquarium, I love fish...grew up with a wonderful dog. Now I've got birds, rats, an aquarium (of course), a tarantula and a cat. No, my place is not a stinky, crowded mess. I live in a very cute back house with all my little buddies and I keep it very clean. Lysol is my best friend.
One of the main problems I've had in my life is a very low self esteem. I was always shy, never believed in myself...but as the years have gone by, especially in the last ten years, I've really come out of my shell and can say that I'm now somewhat proud of who I am. It took me a helluva long time to develope a 'if you don't like me, fuck you' attitude. But, as I slowly mature (and I do mean SLOWLY) I've come to know myself a lot better. I guess the self esteem thing stems from the fact that I'm depressed/anxious. There are SOOO many people like that these days and they have a pill for EVERYTHING. I'm not ashamed to say that drugs (both legal and not) have helped me a lot. I have a family history of nervousness and depression. I know that's not an excuse though, and I've been working on it. I give myself lotsa kudos for being able to make it on my own. I've had my good times and bad times and that's....just....life. Major lesson....LIFE IS NOT FAIR. Oh well...
'Kay, that's it for now. There ya go....