Crappy ass week and continuation

Ugh..what a crappy ass week. I feel like I have so much to do, but I'm just too damn tired to do it. I had a great weekend again. Partied all weekend like a bad girl. Of course that's why I feel like shit this week. I just don't want to deal with ANYthing. It's all a drag. I just want to go to sleep. I'm alone at work for the next few weeks, so I simply MUST come into the office. Damnit.

My internet at home is screwed up. I still have to call SBC and deal with that. My fish tank looks like a cesspool, to me anyway. It's not that bad, but I usually don't let it get this way. I'm just not in the mood to clean it. My pets usually make me so happy, but I feel like getting rid of ALL of them right now. 'Cept good 'ol Stan. Kitties are never that much trouble. I'm beginning to regret getting those rats though. They're really sweet, cute and smart but I just don't have the time to let them out every day. Swirl is so rambuncious and needs to get out for exercise on a daily basis, but it's such a pain. I try to let them out in the bathroom, where they can't get into anything, but that's too small. Then I try to let them out in the back room, but Swirl gets under the door, the little shit. I stuffed towels under the door the other day and she PUSHED them out! She loves to go into my bedroom and under the bed. A few times I've found her IN my bed...EEEeewwwww!!!! I had to change the fucking sheets! I guess the main problem is that I don't want them in the bedroom. It has two doorways, one of which does not have a door on it. I suppose I could rig something up with my room divider. Yea, all I have to do is use my brain and I'll figure something out that's not too much trouble. But damn, all these pets. Ugh. At least they can entertain themselves in their cages. Can't do that with kids. That's why I'm waiting 'til I'm REALLY SURE before I have (if I have) kids.

So what the fuck was I rambling about? Oh yea, life sucks. No, it doesn't. I'm in love and I have a good job and a roof over my head and a wonderful family. Yay. I'm just going through that down time that I usually go through about once or twice a month. Dragging my ass this week.Okay, so I guess I should finish the ex story. I'll do a quick summary.... As I think I've said before, the first three years were great because it was my first real love and I was still learning. I ingnored some HUGE red flags. The guy had personality problems, he was a major passive aggressive, racist, momma's boy son of a bitch with a very fucked up temper. He'd get so frustrated with trying to figure things out (the computer, the fish tank filter, the car) and he'd throw a fucking temper tantrum. I was with him for six years total and broke up with him three times. He'd always be so upset and I'd always go back due to my own insecurities. He acted like he needed me so much, would walk on eggs in the beginning, and then it was back to the same 'ol shit. Every. Single. Time. I'm a slow learner, but I did learn a helluva lot from this relationship. It was like FOUR fucking relationships in ONE!

The last time I left him (well, second to last, but I don't really count the LAST last time) we were living together and engaged. We only lived together six months and we had only been engaged for three and a half weeks. I freaked out at the prospect living the rest of my life with this person. I just had this nagging feeling and I couldn't ignore it. I realized that I was a different person when I was with him. I wasn't completely comfortable, even though I thought I was.

So my friend Melanie (God bless her, I don't know what I'd do without her) helped me move the fuck outta that place while he was at work one day. It was the only way to do it. I couldn't very well 'prepare' him for something like that because I knew he would try his best to talk me out of it. It was a crazy day, Melanie came over and we packed as much of my shit into trash bags as we possibly could. Then she took it to her place and I stayed to gather up a few last things. As I was stuffing the bird cages into my car, he gets home from work. I guiltily walk up the driveway and as he's getting out of the car with a baffled look on his face...I tell him we have to talk. He's like..."OOOooh noooooo, not again!" I don't remember exactly what I said (it's been almost two years now) but I basically told him that I was sorry, that I couldn't marry him, it just didn't feel right. He begged me not to go, to reconsider, no relationship is perfect, we could work it out...blah blah blah. He ripped the ring off my finger. He pleaded some more. HE CALLED HIS MOTHER. Yes, he put me on the phone with his MOTHER (by this time I was sobbing, I couldn't take it anymore) and had HER try to convince me that marriage would be fine. WHAT IN THE FUCK???!!! That pretty much sealed the deal right there. I knew I was doing the right thing. I don't remember what I told her, but she let me go because I don't think she could understand me...I was kinda gettin' hysterical at this point.

The last thing I remember was walking down the driveway with the cat carrier. I should NOT have looked back, but of course I did. I saw him crying on the balcony, waving pathetically. I spent the next month and a half living with Melanie in her one bedroom condo with my two birds and cat. It was so stressful for the both of us. Poor Melanie was out of a job at the time, I had just started the one I'm at now. So...new job, breakup, no place to live, pets all over the place. I was so fucking stressed. Oh yea, and for the first week...Mr. Dork CALLED me and kept trying to negotiate with me. I finally emailed him telling him it was over and he didn't bug me again.

I managed to find my cute backhouse, moved and got settled. I dated, had a rebound relationship (that was a small emotional hell in itself, crazy clingy guy) worked, slept, and got on with life. Sorta. I managed to stay away from dork for eight months. 'Til I was drunk and lonely one night in January. Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, BAD ME!!!!! All my fault. I should have never called him. He should have never talked to me. But we ended up trying to be 'friends' for the next several months which of course led to ONE more try in August of '04. The end of August through the beginning of October was a horrible time. Funny how when your brain is telling you it's completely WRONG and your heart is telling you it's right and comfortable you think you're confused. Well, I guess it is confusion. We made the dreadful mistake of going to the beach together one day and acting like it was 'old times'. Okay, I admit, I was feeling sorry for him because he had knocked up his girlfriend (his rebound that he'd gotten with right after I left him) and was all fucked up. He'd dated and fucked the chick for about four or five months...broke up with her in January '04 because he finally got the balls to. He told me she was a pain in the ass, clingy, stupid, ignorant, annoying...wanted a baby (uh-OH! RED FLAG, STUPID) because her ex-husband beat her and she lost her first one. It's such a stupid mess. So we go to the beach and then go to one of our favorite restaurants afterwards....then of course end up gettin' drunk and sleeping together. NOOOOoooooooo!!!!

So that starts my six-seven weeks of hell. I don't want to tell my family or friends because I'm so ashamed of myself for going back AGAIN. I start blaming myself for leaving him and for him going off and possibly getting some other bitch pregnant. He kept telling me at first that he wasn't sure it was his. He'd been going to a counselor since I left him again, the same couple's counselor that we'd gone to when we got back together before. Note to self: If you have to go to a fucking counselor BEFORE you're even MARRIED, it most likely ain't gon' work out. Anyway, the couselor (who turns out to be a horrible counselor, by the way) has put it into his head that this bitch is probably a liar, among other things. That she's probably been out screwing others and it may not be his kid. Of course she wants to keep it. Oh yes, this is the kind of person she is.... Finds out she's pregnant and QUITS her job, gets on WELFARE and moves back home to her parents! What a great woman!

Okay, so this is what I'm dealing with. I finally break down and tell my parents because I have a horrible time keeping this in. They are so supportive. They tell me that everyone makes mistakes, that if it's going to work out it will, don't worry, everything will be fine. My mom told me to see how he handles this situation. See how he treats me during all of this. That will tell me whether or not this is right, ONCE AND FOR ALL. She was so right, of course. He handled it all wrong. He made me feel awful through the whole ordeal. I kept having breakdowns and blaming myself for leaving him and him getting into this mess. First he'd tell me that he forgave me, that everything will be fine...then he'd throw it in my face that I left him so very many times and make me feel guilty as hell. The guy LOVED to play on my guilt complex. Fucker.

In the end, I realized (FINALLY) that this just wasn't right. He was not worth all of this. I didn't want to raise some other bitch's kid. Some other bitch who is so fucking DUMB. This wasn't my fault at all. What I'd done, which is left him several times 'cause I couldn't make up my fucking insecure mind, could be healed and worked out. What he'd done, which is knock up some crazy bitch he'd met on the internet, could not be healed. I was to either deal with it or forget it. He didn't realize how much he was asking of me. The baby was due at the end of September. Then he'd get a DNA test to find out if it was his for sure. In the mean time, he'd go with her to the doctor, he'd help out with the baby's room, he'd stockpiled a shitload of diapers in his garage. This was driving me OUT OF MY MIND with jealousy, insecurity, regret... We were both going to the counselor at this point. Since I didn't have insurance, he paid for my visits. Aww, what a sweetie. Fucker. We went together a few times and by ourselves a few times. This counselor was horrid. She actually told me that I would have a hard time finding someone else who would 'adore' me as much as this asshole did. PFFT!!! HA! Stupid bitch didn't see my side at all. She'd always defend him.

Well, I basically found out where I stood when the baby was finally born. While I was at home, seething with anger and jealousy, he was at the hospital with her. He came home with a goddamned band on his wrist...all reflective... I told him what the counselor had advised that we handle the situation. That he should not rub this baby shit in my face, that it was too much for me to deal with. That he should respect the fact that I needed him because I was feeling terribly insecure. He agreed, but then he'd go right back to driving me nuts. I'm tired of telling this story now. I basically realized what an immature peice of shit he is by the way he acted during the seven weeks before that baby (which is 99.9% his, by the way) was born. If I had problems with him before, this just sealed the fucking deal. NO WAY, I decided. I DON'T NEED THIS. HE IS NOT WORTH THIS. GOODBYE!! I told him I didn't want to work it out anymore, that it was done. What's done is done. I continued to talk to his best friend for a little while, even had a little rebound fling with him. HA! But then I started feeling guilty about that, too. I really didn't need any of these people in my life anymore. I decided to move on and I'm so glad. I finally got the closure I needed. Now I never want anything to do with that fuckhole again.

I just need to be indifferent now and I'm working on it. I have to get this out of my head. I've already thrown out some pictures and practically all the bullshit cards he gave me. 'Cept for the ones from the beginning when the relationship was special. This WAS my first love. Thank GOD I didn't marry him. I'd be miserable, even if he hadn't knocked up another woman.

My goodness, this turned out to be a long entry. I'm done for now. I've got lots of work to do. I finished my coffee and feel somewhat awake now. It's time to work. Uck.