Negative Me

What better way to illustrate the way I've been feeling about myself. I felt better yesterday though, it was pretty good for a Monday. It was a busy day at work and I had a great jog for the first time in months. I'm usually dragging myself through workout these days and was surprised at the amount of energy I had.

I'm wondering if the Mrs. P is on her way, as I felt really down this past weekend and slept for most of it again. The end of last week was pretty good. The Lord of the Rings play turned out to be a parody that was quite funny and enjoyable. Then we had Pilates at my boss' house on Friday after work. She's set it up so all three of us can have regular exercise and the company pays for it. So that was nice... But the constant grey weather we've been having for the past two weeks hasn't helped. I know, complaining about the weather again...I'm so predictable. Sunday I had another anxiety attack over housework, much to Ron's dismay. I did what I usually do, started a million things at once, got overwhelmed and freaked out.

It made Ron really mad and I don't blame him. It must be very frustrating to watch your wife move everything (bird cages, cat boxes, trash can, some furniture) out onto the patio, come back in and do dishes, move on to start vacuuming one area, go to the bathroom and start dumping the trash, spray the toilet down with scrubbing bubbles (he went to take a shit and nearly fell off the toilet) and leave that to open the hall closet door and start raving about what a cluttered mess it is, slam that door and pick up the guitar stand and ask where the hell it's gonna go, all the while sighing and carrying on like a spoiled brat. I wonder what the neighbors thought of me yelling, "But I DOOO clean the bird poop off the doors, I DO! SO WHAT if I miss a little sometimes, I ALWAYS FUCKING DOOOO IIIITTTT!!!" I really can't believe he stayed calm for as long as he did. It's only when I started the hysterics that he lost it and yelled at me to calm the fuck down and to do one thing at a time. Then he actually started helping again. He really has been doing better at keeping his shit neater, it's just NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR PSYCHO.

The good thing is that we both apologized for our behavior right away, which is new. I didn't sit and protest like I usually do, I put myself in his place. I understand that I am too crazy about cleaning and that it doesn't have to be perfect like I want it. It's never going to be. I just have to learn to live with it. If I want that many pets in that small of a space, I'm going to have to deal better.

I'm not trying hard enough. I received the therapy book last Thursday and I have yet to crack it open. Artwork still evades me. Every time I think of sitting down to work on the small paintings I dread it. It's so stupid, I don't know why I'm not in any sort of mood to do it. I just can't get out of this stupid funk. It's probably because deep down, I don't want to. I don't have the energy. EVERYTHING BUGS ME.

ARGH! I just had another shitty phone conversation with Ron. He keeps picking on me again. It's the little things. I can't do anything right. I don't think enough for him. He really seems to have some major control issues... Is that it? It's making me CRAZY, whatever the fuck it is.