Ambivalence

Hi bloggie-blog. This week is going pretty well. I discovered this site and it has helped me immensely. Ya see, I'm not crazy. I just have to get rid of my rediculous fear of the unknown. I've got to choose not to be afraid anymore. I'm not afraid of never having children. I've always been a bit ambivalent on the subject and just assumed I would some day be a mother. Well, ya know what? That very well might not happen and I'm really okay with it. Even if my husband does not want to stay with me because of it, I understand...won't make it any easier to go through but hell. I'm NOT going to do something like that unless every fiber of my being is yelling at me to do so. Right now, every one of those little fibers are yelling at me NOT TO.

I had another talk with Ron over the weekend. It was messy and emotional but helped a whole lot. I needed to get this out to him. I just have to be able to do it without having an anxiety attack and scaring the holy hell out of my hubby in the process.

So here are a couple of my posts so far, to explain what's been rattling around in my tin can brain...

"Hi everyone, I'm new here...

So lately I've been thinking...I mean REALLY THINKING...about whether or not I want kids. It's starting to look like I really don't want them. My problem is my husband. He's 9 years older than me...gonna be 40 next year and it's starting to look like he wants at least one kid. I, on the other hand, have been coming to the realization that raising a child really isn't my thing. It's not that I don't like children, I really do enjoy the sweet ones. But I enjoy pets and animals so much more. They alleviate that womanly urge to "take care of something".

We talked about it some before we got married (we had a year together and a year engagement, not very long) and it was always a maybe... Lately he tells me it's okay, to take my time, but he really wants to be a father. *sigh* I've just kinda nodded my head...

I know, I'm very afraid to tell him... A few weeks ago was the last time he said it and that was when I'd tearily told him I didn't want kids. He started in with the ammunition...the "Oh, you'll be a great mom, look how well you do with your zoo of pets." and the dreaded, "I want a little girl that's just like you..." Oh and don't forget the, "I'll shape up and help more, don't worry.." Yea right.

So, this is my first step. Exploring. Then of course there will be therapy, nothing I'm not used to. I'm another one on drugs for anxiety and depression and have been going to therapy on and off since I was 12. It's in the family, both sides. Two of my cousins have it pretty bad. One of them is childless and living in Vegas with her hubby and chihuahuas. I guess another step would be to talk to her..."

Then post number two...

"Hey guys,

Thanks SO MUCH for all of the wonderful feedback. Yes, Kimmie, I am well aware of all the things that I will have to do if we have a kid. The thought of all that drugery makes me ill. I mean, I had a pretty good childhood, my parents provided well for my brothers and I. But I also had a very depressing childhood in that I hated school and so many of my peers where such @ssholes. I really don't want to watch my child go through all of that pain.

So I had to bring it up to hubby again this weekend... Lemme tell ya, it was not pretty. We got through it, but it was kinda hellish... I ended up freaking hubby out pretty badly when I had that anxiety attack in the car. This was after he told me to go ahead and have the kid and he'd raise it. WHAT?! I couldn't even speak and the tears started rolling... That's my problem, I get SO HYSTERICAL sometimes...

After the fiasco of emotions that was this weekend, I am still left with the conclusion that kids aren't happening any time soon, if at all. I love my husband very much, but in all honesty, I'm not sure if this marriage is gonna make it. We have many things to work through and a counselor is probably going to enter the picture sooner or later. I also admit that I ignored many the red flag when it comes to my choice in a hubby. But I made my decision to marry him and I'm going to do all I can to make this marriage work. And if it doesn't? I'd rather have a shred of sanity left, and no children to support, thank you.

First thing to work on? My self worth. Hubby tells me I'm SO AMAZING in SO many ways and how on earth can I doubt myself like I do? Well,as you have all said, I don't think he's seeing the big picture here. He's very focused on the "script". The foresaken picket fence... So I'm gonna work on being confident in life and around hubby. I need to show him that I am able to make a decision and stick to it. If he don't like it, as painful as it is, he can lump it. I know he loves me, too...he did say, during all our up and down emotional fighting this weekend, that he would stay with me no matter what. However, those are just words. He could resent me terribly for it. But that is really his problem, now isn't it?

All I know is that my marriage, as it stands, IS NOT healthy enough to sustain a child. My gut is screaming NOOOO!!!!!!! So I will continue on with cofidence and work on my marriage, first and foremost. If kids never happen, I don't care. I really don't mind being the "weird aunt" with all the pets. I was always different anyway...

Thanks again, guys. I'll be back."

Yea... Their responses and all of the other reading I've been doing has really helped me form an opinion. Now it's just time to RELAX and work on things. Everything is going to be fine. I only have to believe in myself because I'M the only one I have.