We're few and far between

So the 20th was the annual family Christmas party. Aunts, uncles (what's left of them), cousins and cousin progeny. My mom's side of the family, chuck full of what I've come to call "breeders". They're the ones who also have the annual family Beer Bust every July, which consists of basically the same group of snobs, I mean, people.

Ron described the party as a "mind numbing" experience, and he was dead on. He'd tried his darndest not to drink during the thing, only to cave about halfway through. I know he was trying to be "good" and that was very noble of him... However, I did not expect him to try to do so during a boring family get together. I mean, I couldn't even handle being sober. I beelined to the kitchen for a Bud within the first 10 minutes of our arrival.

The only ones we were happy to see were my lovely parents and a couple of the cousins. Oh, and my elusive brother Steve, who usually manages to have to work on the day of the party. I'm so glad he was there, along with my cousins David and Deanna...the only other two adults who haven't thrust their DNA replicants upon us. Cousin David is gay and has a lovely partner and cockatoo that he calls family. Cousin Deanna and her husband Billy, on the other hand, are childfree and living in Vegas with two chihuahuas. They hardly ever come to the big get togethers, usually because they have to work or just have enough time to hang out with the nuclear family for a day or two. I've been meaning to call Deanna for months to see why she is childfree and to discuss my feelings with her. I was so happy to see her at the party so I could finally talk to her!

About an hour into the thing I managed to get into a private conversation with her in one of the bedrooms that didn't happen to have a pile of screaming children in it. I was like, "I HAVE to talk to you, you're the ONLY other adult woman here who hasn't bred!" She was only too happy to talk to me about it. She congratulated me for having the brains to really think about such a life altering decision and to conclude that I really wasn't cut out for the job. It's the same thing she and her husband of 13 years did when she was 25. They were still dating when they decided that children weren't for them.

"There is NOTHING wrong with feeling that way..." AAAaahhhh...

I'm at the stage of this decision during which I need much validation. I'm sorry, but I do. Women who don't want children are few and far between, at least in my neck of the woods. I suppose if I was more in the music, arts and entertainment industry, I might very well meet lots of people who think like I do. As of now it's only been on the internet...which is a helluva lot better than nothing, lemme tell ya! It's great to get advice and validation from people who don't think I'm going to change my mind in a few years. My cousin Deanna is the first real childfree person I've gotten to talk to since I became all gung-ho about it. I loved being able to express my feelings toward humanity and to have someone squeal with delight that they thought the same damn thing! So we exchanged numbers, as she doesn't have the internet just yet. But I'm going to make it a point to go out to visit them this year. I'm not crazy about Vegas, but they're the type who live there and stay as far away from the strip as possible. I can handle that. I don't hang out with her at all and she really is a sweet person. I've never taken the time to get to know her and what better time than now? She seems to share a lot of my personality traits. Gee...I wonder if it's 'cause we're fucking RELATED. Deerr...

Anyway, we didn't get to talk as much as I wanted to, before we were interrupted by a bunch of kids. Not to mention the arrival of the Invetro Fertilization Queen cousin Debra and the Almighty Child. She's the one who married the filthy rich (but very nice and humble) guy and quickly pumped out two bratty, entitled sons who are now 5 and 7. You see, she was in her late thirties when she finally found Mr. Right Money Pants. They got two boys and Debra wanted a girl. Not to be denied of anything she WANTS, they got IVF. They showed up just as Deanna and I were leaving the bedroom. Debra had the little squirming thing in a pretty, velvety red dress, complete with giant velvety red bow wrapped around the head to match. Of course she was cute, as far as babies go. But I certainly didn't want to hang around with all the other cousins and grandmas and worship it.

Thankfully, one of my other cousins brought one of her little doggies, a mangled chihuahua. It was the runt of the litter and a little screwed up. One of its legs is almost useless and sort of just hangs there. I don't know the extent of its problems, all I know is that I find it much cuter than the trophy baby. I made sure to carry that thing around so I wouldn't have to hold the Christ Child. I also spent a lot of time outside smoking with the "outcasts".

I should mention my other cousin and his broodmare wife, who is on her fifth child. I honestly think she's addicted to being pregnant because that's all she's been for three years. She's got two older girls (10 and 13) from a previous boyfriend. Since marrying my cousin she's had a boy, 3 and a girl, 2. They're wanting the sex of this bun to be a surprise. I think that's sweet and old fashioned...that's about it though. Anyway, we had to hear, several times over, about her near birthing the day before. She's been getting pains and bleeding some...Ugh... Yea, could you save that 'til AFTER we eat? She's due to drop it any time now. So all she had to talk about was that, which is less than entertaining.

That was the weekend. Nothing else notable...oh except for the fact that my other cousin Mark, from my dads side...the one whose girlfriend and now wife has basically supported him since he hasn't worked in ten years, is getting a house. Yes, his wife's parents are loaded and if he and wifie can give them a grandchild, they get a house. I found this out through my brother Steve. Mark hasn't told Ron and I because he knows it will piss us off. You see, he's been skating through life and this drives Ron nuts. Ron always helped Mark, but Mark never returns favors because he has no car, no money, no freedom from a nagging woman. He already has a 15 year old son from when he knocked up a girlfriend, who later married someone else. Mark would get the kid on weekends, when he was sober...but never had to pay child support. It went on like that for a long time, him not working and living with the girlfriend, who he finally married after 10 years. Now, they're apparently working on a kid, which they also haven't told us about. I'm sure that's because Ron and myself have told them that we probably won't have kids. I expressed it with more enthusiasm in an email I sent Mark a few months back. Now he makes me sick. Of course I can't TELL him that because I'm not supposed to know. We have to act all excited when and if they tell us she knocked up. We have to try our best to be happy for them and not be bratty. It's the adult thing to do. Hopefully that house will be far away so that Ron can move on from that friendship like he's been trying to do. Mark has always been kind of an asshole and it really sucks to see him acting all goody-two-shoes for his controlling wife while he tries to knock her up. You know, because NO ONE can get married and not have a cement baby! I just hope he doesn't screw this one up, 'cause he got WAY lucky with the first one.

Sooo...yea. There's some family dirt for ya. I've gotta go try to concentrate again. Happy short week.

It's true...

Witty is right! I AM AWESOME! I CAN CREATE! I really shouldn't forget that I DO have a fair amount of talent. I'm lucky to be one of those creative types, even though sometimes it feel like a burden when the evil "shoulds" catch up to me...namely what I SHOULD be doing with it. The only person who knows that is me. And I don't have an answer right now so I may as well just keep the fuck on drawing. What can it hurt?

Here's the Christmas card I made for the company this year. I made our products into ornaments. Some of you Catholic types might recognize a few of those things...I'm not naming any of them of course, because I certainly don't want this blog to be found by anyone having to do with the shitty industry I'm in...



Remember last year's card? I liked how that one turned out, too.



Then there's this little logo type thing I was working on for a guy who was trying to get his surfboard business off the ground. They're beautifully hand crafted out of wood and then sealed, of course. Of course it's not going to happen, given our current shitty situation. I wish it would though, I'd love to do graphics for a small company that makes artistic, crafty things.



Yes, more religious-like work from someone who is SO NOT into religion right now it's not even funny.

That Radiohead song comes to my head right now... The one that goes, "You do it to yourself, you do..." I really do. Okay, but I know that. Time to move on...until I come right back, that is. Happy Thursday and coming weekend...

Trying hard to make it through the Hellidays

I'm really feeling low this week. I mean L-O-W. I'm sorry to be a downer, but I can't help it. I feel horrible. I can't STAND work, I'm letting the same old things bother me and I'm NOT in the fucking "holiday" spirit. Especially since my "bonus" this year is getting paid for the four days I have off in the next two weeks. Then I get my hours cut again. I know I should be thankful to have a job and money coming in. Plus I have a husband who has a very good job. I just want to quit this place. I'M SO TIRED OF IT. But I can't. Then I'll feel even MORE worthless.

Now I have to create a FUCKING Christmas card for this shithole when I'm feeling about as creative as a corpse. I went to the doctor last week and got some new meds that I'm supposed to switch over to, however I don't want to fuck with anything until after the Fantomas concert. I'm very excited about that trip and Ron is trying so hard to make me happy...I really appreciate it...yet I'm still falling into this hole. I'm trying to stay out, I really am, but I can't. I just can't. I don't want to talk to someone, I already know how I feel and what is going on. I know I have to switch these stupid meds, that I wish I had never started taking. I hate being dependent on a pill. I'm afraid of switching because it's gonna make me crazy. It's gonna make me all irritable and foggy. I want to be someone else. Someone who knows how to feel happy about herself and who she is and what she's decided to do with her life. I don't want to be the bitter old lady with 10,000 cats, but it looks like I'm headed that way. This hatred and anger is killing me.

...and THIS!

So I've gone ahead and added the LOL Catz link to my side bar there, right under Cuteoverload. I cannot get enough of these! I'm so thankful to the animal loving people who have put these sites together. Nothing warms my heart more than an adorable animal picture.



As usual, the animals know best.



*SSSSQQUEEEEEALLL!!!!* I just wanna shove his kewt lil' fuzzy face in my mouf!!!



Some days are very much like this.



You're lucky if you haven't dated or been married to a guy like this. HAHA!



Spooooky kitties iz gonna GITCHA! *REEEEAAAWWWRRRRWWRRR!!!!!!*



...I'm onna scratch yer eyes out... You'll LOVE it!

This and That

I came into the office this morning to get some great emails...





And this: http://www.stupidvideos.com/video/all/Boogie_Hedgehog/#215782

Happy Friday!

Thursday and I'm hangin' in there...

I had another rockin' time with the guys last night...brother, cousin and friend. It's so relaxing to spend an evening fooling around with music. I made sure not to encourage the dog to be spastic this time and he calmed right down. I didn't feel much like wrestling anyway, I was dragging my butt yesterday. Feel a little better today, though. I'm trying to gear up for a jog but I don't know if I'm going to make it. We'll see how I feel once I get home from running errands.

This year I've done something different for the Holidays...I haven't touched the decorations. Our apartment is so cluttered and crappy I just have no desire to put out a bunch of shit that I'm just gonna have to put away again in a few weeks. I'm not in the spirit at all and I don't even want to try. I know I'm only bringing all of this misery onto myself. Ah, but why not spread it? Everyone just LOVES a negative, scowling bitch.

Not much else to say that isn't complaining, so I should probably end this and think about birdies and butterflies while I sit in traffic.

She nailed it

One of my regular reads (not gonna link her 'cause she likes to keep a low profile) pretty much nailed the reasons for my anger right on the rusty 'ol head. There are only a few minor differences. I don't have to be angry about these things because they are simply fact. I have nothing to be sorry about.

"10. Enjoying a good buzz.

9. Laughing at fart jokes.

8. Not talking to one of her sisters. (For me it's not relating to and therefore not wanting to talk to one of my brothers)

7. Being impatient with people less intelligent than she is.

6. Honking at old people who drive 40 miles an hour on the highway. (For me it's not just the old people, it's EVERYONE in this shithole L.A.)

5. Wishing there was no such thing as religion.

4. Wanting time to herself.

3. Not wanting children.

2. Dating a younger man. (For me it's being married to an immature man, as much as he HATES to hear it)

1. Hating her job.

So there."

Right there with ya, sistah!

I don't know where the sunlight ends and the starlight begins

It's all a mystery...

I spent the whole day yesterday laying around when I could have gotten things done. I just did NOT feel motivated, whatsoever. I've got the major depressies still... Trying to make the best of things but having the hardest time.

For starters, I'm worried about my husbands health. He has to stop drinking so much if he's going to make it to his 50th birthday. He is 39 years old and too old to be drinking so much damn beer. At least it's not hard alcohol, but it's still alcohol. I try to talk to him in a non accusatory way so that he doesn't feel threatened. He has to be ready to stop.

Then there's my job... I still have it, but I'm hanging by a thread. Boss gave us notice this time, that if we continue to be slow (we've slowed down again and it's making her panic as usual) we're going to have our hours cut again in January. I've been looking for a job, but not hard enough. I have to physically walk into some of the places I want to work and I haven't gotten the courage yet, especially during these horrible times. Plus, I'm not really sure where I want to work or what the fuck I want to do. I don't care enough... It's so difficult out there. *whah* Excuses, excuses...

It seems my insecurity is back with a vengeance as well. Thinking and worrying too much have put me here. I can't seem to commit to anything...exercising more, eating better, smoking less... I feel okay, but I know I could be better.

And this endless urge to get out of here. I'm so tired of Los Angeles and the surrounding overcrowdedness. I long to go somewhere quiet where there aren't so many fucking people everywhere. But for now I'm stuck here.

Why am I so angry at the world and at myself? Why can't I just accept it and move on? All of this endless worrying and anger is going to shorten my life.

*sigh*

Enough whining for now. How about the stuff I have to look FORWARD to? Well, we've got the Metallica concert up north next weekend. Then we have the much anticipated Fantomas concert in San Francisco with my darling Mike Patton. And since we won't be able to do Hawaii this year, we're going to Lake Tahoe in February instead. I'd rather be scuba diving instead of falling on my ass trying to snowboard again, but it'll still be a beautiful vacation that's spent somewhere relaxing and nature-y instead of at home. I hope the local mountains get a least a little snow soon so that I can get a little practice in...

Another thing to look forward to? Rescuing a large parrot. Ron wants one almost as much as I do. We'll be doing some research for a while. We obviously can't have a large macaw at our apartment so I'm just going to have to be patient. It'll be worth it though...someday I will have my jungle room.

I forgot how much I enjoy shoving my arm down a dogs throat

A nice, large pitbull... No, I didn't get attacked, I just enjoyed wrestling with him like I used to do with my dog Cindy. I can't explain it, I love the feel of a dog play-biting my hand and arm...then up to my shoulder...then the big, wet, sniffy nose in my ear. Gives me goosebumps and makes me giggle like crazy.

Where did I meet this fuzzy playmate? Last night I wanted to jog around my brother Steves neck of the woods for a change of scenery. It turned out that he and my cousin Mark were going to be "jamming" at a friends house in Pasadena. Steve is a sound engineer and a drummer, cousin Mark plays the bass for fun and my brothers friend Justin is also a sound engineer and musician who plays the guitar. So the three of them like to get together about once every two weeks or so to play at Justins house. I did want to jog, I really did...but I wanted to hang out at their little jam session and drink beer with them more. So I invited myself over because I was missed my brother and cousin. I also didn't want to go jogging around home...alone as usual.

Oh the joy of hearing a dog bark when we rang the doorbell at Justins. I was like a little girl jumping up and down as I said, "OH GOODIE! You didn't tell me he had a dog!" The beautiful blue pitbull, named Roger, was just as spastic and out of control as any large, untrained dog. But only when he was excited to see who was coming through the door. He as all wriggling body, whipping tail and snorfiness. I miss that kind of greeting, as opposed to the nonchalant greeting of my kitties. Although Stanley still does his flop over on the back for a belly rub the minute I walk through the front door. Heh... Once Roger calmed down he was a pleasure to have around. I couldn't stop petting him, fussing over his darling pitty face... It was great when Justin gave him a squeaky ball that he proceeded to destroy in less than ten minutes. First he grabbed the ball like it was a piece of bacon, then he realized IT MAKES NOISE and it was squeak-ah-squeak-ah-squeak-squeak-squeak-ah all the way through the house, out the back door and into the dark back yard. The yard was dark and at first we just stood in the doorway listening to the squeak-ahs in the blackness. Then the squeak-ahs stayed in one spot and got faster and faster. By the time we turned to yard light on, it was all over. He was laying on the ground, partially destroyed ball between his front paws just tearing away! He chewed on the remnants of that thing for the rest of the evening!

Watching the boys play was also a lot of fun. At one point they were playing "Badfish" by Sublime. Apparently that's one of Rogers favorites as he was howling along to it! So funny and adorable... My brother even let me get behind the drum set and fool around a bit. Not to mention, I got to hear a little music to a stupid song I made up when I was ten. You gotta yell it. It goes...

MAMA WENT PEE-PEE ON THE FLOOR LAST NIGHT! DOOOOOO-DOO, DUH-DOOT-DOOT-DOODLIE-DO!! YEAH!!

DADDY WENT PEE-PEE ON THE FLOOR LAST NIGHT! DOOOOOO-DOO, DUH-DOOT-DOOT-DOODLIE-DOO!! YEAH!!

UH-MOMMA WENT POOPIE ON THE FLOOR LAST NIGHT!! DOOOOOO....

It goes on and on about momma, daddy, doggie, kitty, grandpa, grandma who all went pee-pee, poo-poo and threw up on the floor last night. Yea, I know...I'm so talented. It was hilarious to hear that set to music.

The evening was lovely and I hope I get the opportunity to spend an evening like that again. Carefree...enjoying music and animals. I'm glad I got to see cousin Mark again, it had been awhile. I also missed my brother Steve. He may be a moody asshole sometimes, but he's my favorite brother because he's just like me...weird, manic-depressive, artsy-fartsy music-loving and all. My oldest brother Eric is from another planet. Speaking of him, I'm pretty disappointed in him as a brother. I suppose I should make more of an effort, but fuck, they live so damn far away. Well, it's only an hour and a half, but they may as well live out of state. It doesn't help that we have nothing in common. Eric hates animals and loves to play with his big man toys. You know, dirt bikes, boats...yuppie stuff. I've been meaning to invite the family... brother, sister-in-law, niece and nephew over to our place, but I just don't want to. Part of me is embarrassed and the other part just doesn't want to hang out with them. It's awful, I know, I'm just not into my arrogant brother. Mister family and business man who always had his shit together and has never ONCE called or emailed me unless he wanted something. He just seems so into himself and I feel a gap forming between us. Especially since that stupid family Beer Bust over the summer where he ignored Ron and I and smoked his cigars with the other big guys.

Whatever... I'll have to get over it like a big girl and stop the resentment. Right? I don't know...I just don't even feel like he's related to me. Enough about it now, I've gotta do the usual getting hyped up to go swimming again this evening. I went on Tuesday. I can't seem to get past two days during the week. Maybe I'll try to go for a Saturday afternoon swim, who knows.

Ode to muh lil' beerdie-beerd beeeeerrddsszz

It was a glorious Thanksgiving with Melanie and friends. The food was delicious and the company was lovely...except for Melanie's boyfriend drinking a bit too much and turning into his usual pissy self. I'm really starting to dislike that dork and his negative antics are getting very old.

The rest of the long weekend was spent being lazy, except for some much needed chores on Saturday...much to Ron's dismay. I can only stand to look at the same pile of papers and clothes for so long before I lose it, ya know? Still working on getting Ron to be a little more disciplined about cleaning up after himself. I mean, all of his stuff is one thing, but if he can't help me out and keep it in at least a little bit of order, I can't help but lose it after a while. The weekend ended badly with me up in the middle of the Sunday night/Monday morning puking my guts up due to what I think was a bad shrimp. Yeap...seems I might have missed a poop track while cleaning the little buggers. There's nothing worse than the bloated feeling you get before you pour forth the evenings dinner...from both ends. Ugh. The aftermath in the bathtub was not fun to clean up the next morning.

Anyway... Ugh... I'm grossing myself out... It's crazy busy at work so far this week. We're selling the madness. I guess that's a good thing, but it totally cuts my fooling around on the 'net time. Dammit. So, I thought I'd do a quick entry of pictures of my wonderful little birdies. Remember my little Punkin', Pickles and Toby? Here...look at their darlingness...















I need to get a new digi cam to take more pictures of my wonderful pets. I enjoy them so very much... They totally keep me sane. And to end this entry here's a shot of Stanley kitty in his nightly couch position...


Yeap. He's a komfy kitty.

Ah...pets...so much better than children!

Fluffy Thanks

Just look at that sweet turkey face. Of course the majority thinks they're stupid, but I know better. I've been considering becoming a 'tarian, I mean it does come with the animal lover territory. I know I need to make a change in my diet if I want to at least stay close to the weight I am now for the long term. Less would be nice and more is not an option.

The first thing I need to do is cut out all fast food. I may as well be eating trash. Next comes the processed foods/meats. Speaking of processed meats...ever try a meat stick? No, not jerky... A thin, processed stick of hard, greasy meat parts. I picked up a few for a friend that was over for football on Sunday. He'd requested jerky and I got him these, thinking they'd be better. He and Ron already knew better and wouldn't touch them. Mind you, I had gotten them for the boys. I'm not too crazy about jerky, but I thought I'd take a bite. It tasted like the recipe consisted of shredded cardboard and wood dust combined with old bacon grease and gristle, squeezed into skinny logs and fried to a reddish brown in old french fry vat oil. YUMMEH!

I've got to get some things done so that I can leave early today. I am so tired of this place and oh so happy to be able spend a few days off. Did I mention that the holidays are going to be more relaxed this year? It's great, I get to spend tomorrow with friends. Ron and I are going to Melanie's brother's house for a nice, intimate and relaxing day. There will only be six of us total. AND her brother is a fish tank addict like me. I hear he's got at least two tanks now since I've been to there. He also has a couple of sweet kitties that he keeps indoors. I'm looking forward to playing with them. It's gonna be a good day. I'm also looking forward to making my yam recipe. Sweet, mashed yams whipped with milk, butter and eggs with a brown sugar and butter topping sprinkled with pecans. *slup* I cannah wait!

Oh and thanks very much to my few loyal readers/'net buds for your sweet comments. I appreciate knowing that I'm not alone in my struggles. That's why I continue to spew this shit into infinity. Have a happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Couldn't have read this at a better time

I know... It's just one of those stories that's floating around the internet to make us feel better about our own situations, given the trying times we are going through. I received this email a few days ago and got around to opening it today. Once again, how very appropriate...

THE HOT CHOCOLATE STORY

A group of graduates, well established in their careers, were talking at a reunion and decided to go visit their old university professor, now retired. During their visit, the conversation turned to complaints about stress in their work and lives. Offering his guests hot chocolate, the professor went into the kitchen and returned with a large pot of hot chocolate and an assortment of cups-porcelain, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite -- telling them to help themselves to the hot chocolate.

When they all had a cup of hot chocolate in hand, the professor said:'Notice that all the nice looking; expensive cups were taken, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress.The cup that you're drinking from adds nothing to the quality of the hot chocolate. In most cases it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink. What all of you really wanted was hot chocolate, not the cup; but you consciously went for the best cups...And then you began eyeing each others cups.

Now consider this: Life is the hot chocolate; your job, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain life. The cup you have does not define, nor change the quality of life you have. Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the hot chocolate we have.The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything that they have.

It's true...you make what you're worth

*sigh*


What was I saying earlier about my illustrious career? Well, I heard it on the Tom Leykis show. He happened to be talking about the evil of Unions and strikes and got into the fact that one usually makes what they are worth. They end up getting back what they put into their career. Makes complete sense to me.

It's just what I was saying earlier... I have so much potential, I'm very smart but I have this shitty attitude and horrible...I don't know...FEAR of life. I guess that's general anxiety for ya. I know, it's just a cop out, right? GRRRR! Ah, but it seems I don't like anything that leads to great success. Including, but not limited to: Stress, persistence, school, change, lots of work, long hours, responsibility (that's a big one, always afraid I'm onna fuck something up and when I think like that of course I DO)... It all scares the holy hell outta me. If I want to make what I'm worth, I have to put forth more of an effort. NO shit?! I know, it's so obvious is blinding.

I have to admit that I'm a weak person and generally lazy. Wow...what a difference from a few weeks ago when I was fresh with the whole job search thing. Touting myself, all high on the possibility of change. It only took a bit for reality to come back n' slap me upside the 'ol melon.

I had to come home and write this... Now I have to go out and jog in the dark, chilly evening. Must. Force. Myself. Hey, at least I have some discipline, eh?

OH MY GAWD

GUESS WHAT???!!!! Ron got us tickets to see Fantomas in San Francisco on New Years Eve! Who is Fantomas, you ask? Why, it's only one of MIKE PATTON'S BANDS! I GET TO SEE HIM LIVE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ronnie poopie head really wanted to go to a Patton show together and was thrilled to report to me last week that Fantomas would be coming to California this year. Unfortunately they're not doing L.A., but SF is just fine and dandy. We needed to go back there again anyway, since our last trip wasn't all that fantastic. This time we will be taking a plane. No more 10 hour train/bus rides for us. Anyway, now I have that to look forward to...plus Metallica on December 13th. Ron, the concert addict, sure does keep us hoppin' doesn't he.

I'm so proud of Ron lately...he's been trying very hard to make me happy since our troublesome time not too long ago. Things have been good. There has been a lot more respect on both sides. Lots of talking things through as well. I feel good about our future.

I managed to make it through one of the most boring weekends of my life... I had to work all weekend. We'd planned back in September to sell some of our overstocks (some that we've had for years) over this particular weekend at the local parish during the Saturday night, Sunday morning and Sunday evening masses. You know, it's the hellidays so people are starting to shop. So we set up three tables of merchandise for the church goers to pick through as they filed in and out of church. I was in Part of the proceeds were to benefit the scholarship program at the school. The rest went to our company. We did pretty well and managed to raise a good chunk of money. Too bad it's for selling crap I don't care about for a cause I can't give a shit less about. Oh well, at least I still have a job and am back to making the same amount of money I was before the cut backs last month. I'm still keeping my eyes open though. I just don't want to take anything, ya know? I can live with having a job instead of a career.

If I really wanted to make anything of myself, I could have by now. I guess it's a combination of not believing in myself enough, fear and plain old laziness. I get so angry at myself about it sometimes. I feel like such a failure. There are so many people out there making it happen with their art on the internet, in the movies, on the streets, in the papers and magazines...while I sit idle and uninspired. I know, I've been screwed because I'm just so dumb and screwable. I have a sign on my forehead that says "Take advantage of me, I'm stupid". That sign shows up plain as day when I'm feeling especially insecure. It's so easy to tell yourself not to be insecure and to believe in yourself. It's just so hard for me to do.

Enough with the downward spiral. I've gotta feel up UP UP for my jog this afternoon. I'm going around the lovely park near my apartment again this evening. I'd been working out in at the Y gym for a while, but now I need to go outside again. I still take advantage of the pool at the Y, but I can't always go to the gym. I miss the solitude of jogging outside in the quiet hilly area near my place. I'm not in the mood to look at that guy on the stationary bike, with the blank stare on his face and sweat dripping off the tip of his chin while his legs pump like crazy as he climbs the imaginary hill in his head. Niether do I want to see the dude who looks like a warewolf. Eck.

Alright, it's the end of another rambling, right off the top of my head entry. Later...

Because I had to do it one more time, okay?

I'm on one of those stupid rolls again. I'm trying to practice finishing things faster. These are very simple and fun and I wanna keep it that way. Now I'm going to do real work. Here I go.

Because I had to, okay?

Tady loves Mike Patton, too. Teehee! I liked the picture of him (of course) especially because he's making another silly face. Him and his expressions. Yea. I should concentrate now. Come back here, concentration! Uh-oh...there it goes.

We CAN live with them!

Summer Classes for Men at
THE
ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Monday, Sept 16 th 2008

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined.

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Speaking of Hell...

The baby shower was it. Then again, I probably made it that way for myself. I can't seem to help it. I'd better or I'm going to drive friends away like an angry bull. Typical Taurus behavior I suppose. Gotta yoke that beast in order to move on with life. Keep my damn big mouth shut. Stop thinking about it so much. Thinking thinking thinking. I should be doing something productive instead of slowly driving myself crazy with my own anger.

Hell Explained by a Chemistry student

The following is an actual question given on University of Washington chemistry mid term. Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

Another Spayshall human and...other shit

I'm going to a baby shower this Saturday. Yea, it's a really unique situation you see, mom-to-be is going to be a rare 'single mom'. Seems she got knocked up and the guy took off. Can you believe it?! So now we're all going to get together and celebrate this momentous occasion. Another person coming into the world is so wonderful, dontcha know. So special, so amazing, so...so UNPLANNED. My favorite kind of situation to encourage with smiles, well wishes and gifts.

*sigh*

I know, why go then? I was invited, of course. She's a friend of my Lisa darling who I never get to see anymore because she rarely has a free moment to pee, much less hang out and relax. This is a high school friend of Lisa's and nice enough, though quite obviously stupid. I'm sorry, she just is. Getting knocked up by a stranger (apparently, I don't know the whole story I'm just a catty bitch) and moving home with mom is not cool in my book. So I offered to help my poor, frazzled friend with the party because, as usual, she is so busy and stressed out over the ten thousand commitments she always seems to have. This is in addition to a film industry job that is a 'nightmare'...and I believe her when she says that. She is a sweetheart and the ultimate 'people pleaser', that one. Keeping this up will put her on the steady path to an early grave.

I'm glad to help Lisa any time though. She and Melanie are the greatest friends and are always there when I need them. Well, Lisa's there when she's not running around and stressing. I'm going to do a cute little project, outlined here. It's a cute idea and I'm going to try to elaborate a bit.

I have a new favorite tv show called, "It's Always Sunny in Philidelphia". That shit is fucking insane and hilarious. Ron discovered it one Thursday night and we've been recording it ever since. Apparently, it's in it's FOURTH season! I'm gonna have to catch up. Here's a clip to tell what it's mainly about...poop.

Hmmmm, I guess I'm feeling linky today. I've been following this lovely blogger for a long time now. I must sat that I love her newest endeavor, it's given me something to think about. I wonder if I can do some of those things. Very interesting...

Oh yes, and work is work. I've been back to my regular schedule lately, the cut back lasted only a week. I'm keeping my eyes open, but I'm also trying my best to get over bad feelings toward my boss. She is who she is. I am who I am. And so it goes...no reason to get my panties all knotted up.

HOW many has it been now?

Ron and I went to another fun concert together last night. Another metal show and my neck is achin' from all the headbangin' . Let's have a list, shall we? In the past four years we have been to:

~Anthrax
~Judas Priest
~Led Zepplin
~Iron Maiden
~Down
~Clutch
~Secret Cheifs 3
~Morrissey
~Mudvayne

I think I've left out a couple but I can't think of any more right now. They always turn out to be so much fun, even when I don't feel like going to Hollywood. Actually, I NEVER feel like going to Hollywood. It's fine in small doses, but the place just disgusts me. And the tuh-RAFF-ic. It was awful last night because we had to deal with rush hour. Then we arrive at our destination only to find that the concert has been moved to another venue that's about five miles away. I'm so glad Ron's mom gave him that navigation gizmo. It came in real handy getting us outta that little fix. They'd pushed the show back an hour so we didn't miss a thing, so it worked out swell.

Our enjoyment of the show was aided by the gallons of beer we proceeded to consume. You can't have metal without beer, no sirreee. I'm not even regretting it today because I was sure to drink plenty of water when we got home last night. Plenty of water to wash down the wonderfully nutritious Del Taco dinner I ate in a matter of minutes. I kinda got sloshed because I decided to skip dinner and wait 'til after the show to grab something on the way home. So I was drunk and starving on the way home, not a good combo. I'm just glad I didn't do anything more embarrassing than dumping two thirds of my last beer on my shoes without even realizing it. Hey...it was dark. No one noticed...'cept Ron of course. Which made me drape my arms around his neck and laugh hysterically in his face for about five minutes. Heh. Yea. He didn't even have to tell me about it, I remember it all. At least he was amused and not annoyed. It was a lot of fun.

The weekend was also nice. Saturday I went to a wine tasting party that my new friend Erica threw. She works for a wine club, it's kinda like Mary Kay but with wine instead of makeup. So we all got together and tasted various wines with various chocolates, cheeses, crackers and little sandwiches. A lovely time. After that I skeedaddled over to my little 'ol friend Paul's 15th birthday party. I always have to mention that Paul is the sweet autistic kid whose sister I went to high school with. I actually think I have more in common with that kid than I ever did with his sister. He's got social problems, loves animals and his newest obsession is his fish tank. Hmmm...sounds like me when I was 15. He was so excited to get yet another gift certificate for Petco from me, as he was saving up to buy a brand new canister filter for his lovely tank. I also got him a cool little pirate skeleton figurine tank decoration. He's the easiest person to shop for! Ha! I actually remember getting my first canister filter when I was about 14 or 15. I still have it and was using it up until I switched to saltwater last year. Innat sumthin'? Heh. Yay.

Sunday was football and cuddle time with Ron. It was a nice relaxing day during which I did absolutely nothing. I didn't even change out of my pjs. Unfortunately I didn't realize that I was just gearing up for the tremendous headache I would wake to on Monday. OUCH. I don't know why I keep getting these damn things. I think they have to do with mingraine. Though I don't think it is because I don't have nausea or intense sensitivity to light. I hadn't gotten one for a long time... I think it might have to do with all this emotional stress I keep putting on myself. Yea. Have I mentioned I'm emotional? A few thousand times, maybe? Gee, I think that might be it.

I think I need to try harder to get control of my emotions. They rule my life and get in the way. For me it's emotions before logic and that just fucks everything up.

Speaking of fucking up...I must have fucked up my explanation to that little bitch from Pennsylvania's insurance company. They couldn't find fault. Yea, it seems the stupid cop on the scene couldn't figure it out either. All because that little whore insisted that I turned into her. I know I shouldn't, but I fucking give up. Let my car look like scratched up shit, it runs great and that's all I care about. People will screw you every chance they get and I must be wearing a sign on my forehead that's invisible to me. When am I ever going to learn to stand up for myself at the time of an incident? I'm always a fucking day late and a dollar short. UH-oh...the 'fuckings' are starting...that means I'm getting pissed. Here come the emotions! I'd better shut it off and go work on something before I get really mad all over again. I just hope that little cunt gets hers for LYING.

New National Symbol

Yes, I think it makes sense.

Is today already Thursday? In November? Where the hell is the time going? Ron and I are approaching our four year anniversary. It actually feels like it's been longer... How can that be?

I feel like I'm trying to keep my head above water in a great ocean of depression. I start to sink and then I swim like crazy to gasp for breath. I think my heading to the Y to exercise regularly is about the only thing that's helping my mood. The drugs don't seem to work anymore, I just need them so that I don't have crazy withdrawals. I know, I need to continue with couseling. I just feel like everything I do lately is pointless. And it's the same thing...I know what I need to do but I just don't want to do it. Nothing is ever easy. Yea, it's one of those entries again. Must. Feel. Better. I'm gonna go for now.

America, the

...ObamaNation. Nice drawing, by the way. I knew he would win. My feelings are a mixture of relieved and apprehensive. I believe he was the better of the two candidates, though not by much. I mean, we hardly KNOW the guy. And shit, they'd better have some top notch protection going on over there...it'd better be security up the ASS! They guy should wear a fucking bullet proof vest to bed from now on, if he hasn't already been doing so. Let us begin hoping that he's the band aide for this nations boo-boo. Or how 'bout the stitches for this nations gaping wound? Yea. That's more like it.

Let's move on to my fascinating life, shall we? Well, besides keeping my eyes open for a job and tolerating this one to the best of my ability, I seem to have come down with Newpetneedus. Specifically Newbirdneedus. Symptoms include pining over lovely photos of Amazons, visiting various pet and bird stores and staring longingly into cages and begging a good friend for her lovebird. Yea...I'll explain that last one. You see, this sickness seems to have seeped into the part of my brain that controls my sense of right and rude. Last week, I went so far as to ask (actually, beg) a friend for her lovebird. I took it upon myself to think that I could care for her bird better than she could. I thought she was busy doing other things and couldn't give her bird as much time as I could. Let's just say I felt AWFUL right after sending that email off. First of all, how presumsuous and RUDE could I get? She takes care of her pet just fine and I was crazy to ask her such a thing. I'm glad I realized I was being an idiot and apologized.

Then I came across the adorable Bourke's parakeets at the bird store over the weekend. Ron was there with me and I had to at least try to beg him for one...to no avail. You see, we have no current openings at our place for any new pets, as much as I'd like one. I always have to think about the cage cleaning, which Ron threw at me right away... I wish we lived in a house and I had a large aviary in my backyard. All in due time...aaaaaaaaallll in due time...

*sigh*

I have to forget about it and enjoy what I have. Really, I don't need any more birds. I have to save my money for more important things now, as boring as that is. That's life, damnit. Gotta grow up at least a little.

That's all for today. I keep having to do things and I can't write anymore. It's driving me nuts and I can't finish a thought. Bye bye for now...

Last minute closet costumes...

Not my closet, but Melanie's. I had no idea this costume was gonna be so cute. I tried it on last night and decided to wear it into work today. I needed to be festive. We were going through Melanie's closet for a party we're invited to tomorrow night. She had a couple of random things she'd picked up years ago and this was one of them. I thought it'd be kinda cheapy, but was pleasantly surprised. Thanks Mel! As usual, she comes to the rescue.

I think tonight is just going to be mellow hanging out with Melanie and possibly Tyra. We'll probably hand out candy for a few hours and shut the lights out before the shitty teenagers come. Of course there will also be wine drinking. But that's about it. My favorite kind of evening...boring.

I can't write in this thing so much at work anymore. I'm trying to be good while I'm keeping my eyes open. Don't want to rock the only boat I have. *sigh*

Happy Halloweenies...keep your kitties safe!

Tuesday?

I guess so. Happy to be going through an ordinary day. I just have to keep trying, keep trying. Something will come along.

I forgot to mention last night that Ron and I are going through a nice, smooth spell. Everything is going fine. We've worked through that bumpy mess. He's starting to understand where I'm coming from with the children thing. The other night he said that he would like children, but it's ultimately up to me. If it doesn't happen, he is okay with it. He was very reassuring during this conversation and it made me feel much better, for the time being.

Then there's this job searching. It always brings out the best of my insecurities. All I want is a simple life. I do not want a big, complicated career. I just want to work at a small to medium sized company that does something I'm relatively interested in. This goes right along with my lack of desire for a family. Too many people equals too many problems.

It's become so difficult to care about it here. Have I mentioned I hate what we sell and represent? I can't concentrate worth a shit. I haven't EVER really been able to concentrate here. What would it be like to work somewhere that you actually care about? I have yet to know what it's like. Someday I will find it. I gotta go do some more bullshit for now...here comes the bitch.

The new tank is working out swell...

Some quick pictures with the Mac Book.  Not bad for Photo Booth.  Hmmm, which pictures actually have fish in them?  Two outta three ain't bad.  Little buggers were afraid of the big 'ol light square bouncing around outside their tank.  

Ugh...Now it's time to check the dryers.   I hope to be able to move on with the thrilling laundry chore.

Waiting for the Dryer

My neighbor forgot her clothes in the only two washers in the laundry room.  I moved them to the dryers and loaded my laundry into the washers.  Thirty minutes later when I returned to move the loads to the dryers, her wet clothes remained.  I was gonna move 'em back to the washers when she sauntered in.  She sniffled an apology that she's sick and fell asleep.   I was my usual overly nice self.  "It's okay", I said.  Now I wait.  Like I wait to get out of that office.  Somebody hire me.  Get me out of that place.  Somebody get your fucking clothes out of the dryer!

That's it.  I'm at that spot in blogging.  Where I've got so much to write and am in no mood to write.  I wanna get over that.  And my lazy spell.  I was lazy and didn't exercise last week.  Now I'm feeling it.  Kinda stressed and tired.  More lethargic than anything else.  Oh Gawd, Sex in the fucking City is on.  I gotta turn this.  And see what the fuck is up in the laundry room.  Late.

Nothing speaks louder than the almighty dollar

Welcome to my life, where the shit is hitting the fan. So, I'm having issues with my marriage, issues with babies and just plain issues... Why not add my career to that pile? So it seems that the economy has pushed my boss to cut my hours almost in half. You see, no one wants to buy the overpriced, frivolous stuff we sell. That part is very understandable. However, I can't help but feel hurt after all the years I've given her, all the support, all the work. Friday I received a letter that basically tells me I'm not earning my money. Well, at least she sat there while I read it. Okay, fine. If that's how she feels, then it's time for me to move on to a company that appreciates what I give them. My friends have been telling me to get out of here for years. I cannot put it off any longer. Again I will tell myself, I am worth more than this.

Of course this is no time to burn bridges. I must act like an adult. This woman has provided me with a job and a learning experience for the past five years. I appreciate what she has done for me. However, I can no longer take getting kicked in the gut. When it comes down to it, I hate this company and what it sells. I do not want to represent something that I no longer believe in. Actually, I've never believed in it. Ah...but business is business! I've learned all I can here. I am thankful for all of the skills and tenure I have gotten from this company, but seriously, enough is enough. It's time for me to stop being afraid. I NEED this challenge! I NEED this change! Things have gotten too stagnant. I also need more structure as I seem to be "wasting my time" a lot. Yea. Even though I always get my work done and I've been told by boss that I can fool around as long as I get my work done. Oh, but she's the owner and she can change her mind whenever she wants!

So... Off I go to dust off the 'ol resume and job hunt...while I work part time for as long as I can stand it. Wish me luck!