Just have to take the written test tomorrow night and hubby and I will be certified divers! We had our last class this past Sunday, which involved going out to Catalina on a diving boat and completing three practice dives using all of the skills we'd learned. Simple, right? Mostly yes...but this moron (me) had to take a huge (and very stupid) chance by not buying any seasickness meds for the trip. No, no... Instead I bought these wristbands that are supposed to help the "drug free" way. You know, 'cause I thought we were taking the Catalina Express...the one that gets ya there fast with minimal rocking. And I'm so totally "drug free" ya know. NOT. How dumb I felt when we arrived at the port at 6:00 a.m., only to load up on the much smaller diving boat, the Magician. Oh what spells of puke that boat did weave, lemme tell ya.
So I panicked a little, thinking about my last ocean excursion when I went fishing with my dad and brother last August. It was the same sized boat with about 25 people...almost the exact scenario, except we were on that boat to fish, not dive. It wasn't so bad that time, but I do remember being a little sqeamish throughout the day. I just ate a little bread and concentrated on the horizon. It worked out fine for that trip, but NOT for this one. Those wristbands didn't do a fucking thing. It was only about 15 minutes into the TWO HOUR trip that I spewed the breakfast I'd eaten to try to "settle" my stomach. Word got around the boat that we had a puker, so a nice man offered me some meds. No sooner had I opened my mouth to put the pills at the back of my tongue (a simply brilliant thing to do when you're nauseous), I was barfing again. Like...violently. IT HURT, MAN. Ron was soothing me, even though he wasn't feeling too well himself. I looked up at him, pain in my eyes, drool flying from my mouth and nose and said, "I don't think this hobby's gonna work out..."
I was in complete misery the entire time, wedged between one side and railing of the boat, staring hopelessly at the horizon. I did manage to salvage some of the soggy pills I'd tried putting down my throat earlier. It was disgusting, I had to scrape the bitter sogginess onto the back of my tongue and swallow. ANYTHING to get something down there and working to ease this suffering. I think I'd rather have a lead pipe through my skull than be nauseous, as it is the WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD to me... It wasn't long until I was yelling over the side again, with nothing coming out but the little bit of water I'd sipped. Once we FINALLY got there, I asked the nice medicine man if he could please give me two more pills so I could try to keep them down.
So I was unable to participate in the first dive because I was too sick to do anything but moan, let alone try and wrestle on a wetsuit. I watched as Ron and the others went in groups, trying to forget about my sickies. Then I slowly started to put my gear on. Once I had everything on, I started to feel a bit better. The captain and dive masters told me to go ahead and get in the water, that floating around would help. I got in a tootled around the boat for a bit, until I got cold. Yes, even though I had a full wetsuit, it was coooold. I hadn't put on my gloves and cap yet, so the chillies were seeping in. But by the time I got out of the water, everyone was starting to finish with the first dive and I was feeling much better. I even ate some watermelon.
The two dives I went on were great. Some parts FUH-REEEEZ-ING...but altogether great. I was able to catch up on the second dive with all the tests and practices our group had done on the first dive. So the medicine worked and my day was not completely ruined. I learned a very important lesson from this experience. I will never, EVER forego the seasick meds again! Being able to do something I have always dreamed of is worth a little discomfort but holy HELL...not that much!
Oh, and one more thing I've learned...we need to seek warmer waters for our next diving trip. Catalina has lovely kelp forests and some beautiful waters on some days, depending on conditions of course, but the water is often FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEzing!!! On the second dive I thought my toes were gonna fall off. Then I was cold on the boat ride home because all my clothes were WET. No wonder my head is still stuffy and I can't kick the leftover cough I got from the cold I had last week. *sigh* And I really wanted to get back into swimming at the Y again this week. DAMMIT. Maybe Thursday... I just hope this stuffy head crap goes away and I don't have a relapse.
That's it for now. I've been writing in here on and off all day. Time to end this post and end the day. Gotta go home and rest.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Snot bubbles
OH JOY! Izzit HUMP day already?! Where did the week go?? Well, it went right under my sheets, 'cause I've been in bed with a poopie nasty head cold for the past coupla days. I think I got it from the gross ocean we went diving in on Saturday morning. But I did it! I DID IT! I WENT DIVING AND LIVED! Not only did I live, I was actually comfortable! I remember smiling around my regulator when my ears finally stopped hurting and I wasn't feeling one bit of nauseous. I actually felt, RELAXED. Diving is the most relaxing thing one can do, if they're in the right frame of mind. Now that I know what I'm doing, I feel much better about the whole thing. I can't wait to keep getting those diving experiences under my belt!
I wish I could say Saturday morning's dive was as beautiful as it was early (we had to be there at 6 a.m., an hour drive, which meant we were up at 4:30 and out by 5:00 a.m.)... We were only able to see about 5 or 6 feet in front of us. The dive was great for experience though. It was a beach dive, which meant we had to get past the surf and in the water from the beach. Ya reeeally gotta watch for those waves when you've got 50 pounds worth of crap on your back. Once we were under we had to be sure to keep track of each other and stay close. Good thing there were only four of us. Ahh, well, California kinda sucks for diving. Unless you go to Catalina, which is where we're headed next weekend...YAY! I'm looking forward to that one.
So I finally told Ron about all that was on my mind...AGAIN. I told him that kids were off the table, that we've got other things to work on. Some of the more important points brought up included the fact that some of the things coming out of his mouth lately are VERY unhealthy and WRONG, therefore we need to see a counselor and that I'm setting it up soon, that he DOESN'T know everything, that although he is funny and has a good heart, he is also a very depressed, angry man who needs to STOP dwelling on his past mistakes, stop trying to drink it all away and work on a better future and, most importantly, that he has to get those fucking bikes out of the livingroom within a certain time frame because my patience (FOUR YEARS, PEOPLE) is UP! We had this "talk" on Monday and I could tell it upset him. But I kept my cool. I did raise my voice some, but at least I didn't start getting all cry baby and hysterical like I usually do. More importantly, I made him think again. So, I've decided that I'm only gonna give it a few more years. If we can't move past some of the things that have got us in their tendrils, then we're just not gonna make it. Period. Not without a fight, however, which I am more than willing to do because I love the guy. For now. But does love conquer all? HELL NO. And that's okay with me. THAT'S LIFE. IT IS WHAT IT IS, HONEY. Man, he hates it when I or anyone else says those things! But I'm trying to help him. If he doesn't want my help, fine. He doesn't get me, either. I'm no martyr, that's for sure.
Oh yes, and mister shithead who wrote the book responded to our email. I don't know if I mentioned that he wrote us a few weeks ago, as if nothing happened... As if the things he pointed out that were wrong with our finished, hand painted artwork were simple, easy things to fix. Oh man...we really let loose on him in an email. And then he responded...oh gawd, he's got to be the most dense person I have ever dealt with. I'll go ahead and post those next. For now I've got to finish up and get out of here because I'm starting to feel shitty again.
I wish I could say Saturday morning's dive was as beautiful as it was early (we had to be there at 6 a.m., an hour drive, which meant we were up at 4:30 and out by 5:00 a.m.)... We were only able to see about 5 or 6 feet in front of us. The dive was great for experience though. It was a beach dive, which meant we had to get past the surf and in the water from the beach. Ya reeeally gotta watch for those waves when you've got 50 pounds worth of crap on your back. Once we were under we had to be sure to keep track of each other and stay close. Good thing there were only four of us. Ahh, well, California kinda sucks for diving. Unless you go to Catalina, which is where we're headed next weekend...YAY! I'm looking forward to that one.
So I finally told Ron about all that was on my mind...AGAIN. I told him that kids were off the table, that we've got other things to work on. Some of the more important points brought up included the fact that some of the things coming out of his mouth lately are VERY unhealthy and WRONG, therefore we need to see a counselor and that I'm setting it up soon, that he DOESN'T know everything, that although he is funny and has a good heart, he is also a very depressed, angry man who needs to STOP dwelling on his past mistakes, stop trying to drink it all away and work on a better future and, most importantly, that he has to get those fucking bikes out of the livingroom within a certain time frame because my patience (FOUR YEARS, PEOPLE) is UP! We had this "talk" on Monday and I could tell it upset him. But I kept my cool. I did raise my voice some, but at least I didn't start getting all cry baby and hysterical like I usually do. More importantly, I made him think again. So, I've decided that I'm only gonna give it a few more years. If we can't move past some of the things that have got us in their tendrils, then we're just not gonna make it. Period. Not without a fight, however, which I am more than willing to do because I love the guy. For now. But does love conquer all? HELL NO. And that's okay with me. THAT'S LIFE. IT IS WHAT IT IS, HONEY. Man, he hates it when I or anyone else says those things! But I'm trying to help him. If he doesn't want my help, fine. He doesn't get me, either. I'm no martyr, that's for sure.
Oh yes, and mister shithead who wrote the book responded to our email. I don't know if I mentioned that he wrote us a few weeks ago, as if nothing happened... As if the things he pointed out that were wrong with our finished, hand painted artwork were simple, easy things to fix. Oh man...we really let loose on him in an email. And then he responded...oh gawd, he's got to be the most dense person I have ever dealt with. I'll go ahead and post those next. For now I've got to finish up and get out of here because I'm starting to feel shitty again.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Swimmin' Tigers and Swimmin' minds
These incredible photos are of a White Bengal Tiger named Odin. Odin is six years old and 10 feet long from tail to nose. He lives at a Zoo in Vallejo, California, near San Francisco.
Odin was hand-raised at the zoo British trainer Lee Munro. And after he was weaned, his trainer discovered his remarkable skill. When a lump of meat was thrown into a pool of water, Odin would happily dive in after it."He makes a funny face - and it's actually to close his nostrils to stop the water from going into his nose."
Not all big cats enjoy the water but for Tigers from the hot climate of South-East Asia it's one way to cool down. "Plus they hunt in and around water. They're an ambush predator so they wait for prey to come down to the water." "When you actually see him dive underwater he looks so graceful," "Odin loves the water and he loves food," he said.
"Not all big cats will dive and swim underwater even for meat treats." Munro said tigers were the most powerful swimmers out of all land-dwelling animals.
Tragically, within our lifetimes, zoos might be the only places left to see these magnificent animals. (Did I not tell you there was always this part? Always gotta mention that good old MAN continues to fuck things up for the beautiful animals of the world!) A century ago there were about 100,000 tigers in the wild. Now there are just 2,500 adults, with the Bengal variety almost extinct. None has been seen in the wild since the last white tiger was shot and killed in 1958. White tigers are the most rare. They get their white color from an unusual and extremely rare genetic combination. I hope you enjoyed these photos as much as I did.
*sigh*
I wanna go visit and swim with Odin. The big, fluffy kha-hitty kha-HAT-t-t-t... Hehehehe!
It's so sad that man always has to dominate. Hoping there aren't any tragic "accidents" with Odin and his beloved trainer. Look at that magnificent animal. So much beauty and grace. Perfection, compared to the ratty and disgusting human being. We have proven that intelligence only goes so far. Intelligence without boundaries is a very dangerous thing.
Another dangerous thing has been going on lately... I've been thinkin' again. UHG-OOH. I'm getting a very strong urge to scrape a resume together and try to find myself a better gig. What can it hurt to go out and try? There are a couple of places I have in mind, why not give it a shot? I'll get over my fear, pull out the laptop and write up a lovely, updated version of my glorious, marketable skills. I am seriously bored with this job. I know part of it is because it's summertime and things are generally slow. The fucked up economy isn't helping. Now, I'm kind of a lazy person at times but this is rediculous. It's time to start thinking about my future. I've always known I can't stay here forever. This place is becoming a crutch. I know I can do better.
For now, however, I have a job to do. There are things to do, but I put them off. I need some stimulation, man. Someone give me a figurative fire up the anus. EWww... Now think about firey anuses whilst I get my working groove on.
Late.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
He's a MACHINE!
I forgot to mention that we've been watching the Olympics quite a bit... I love the gymnastics and the swimming. This guy blows me away. I am SO HAPPY FOR HIM! CONGRATS, you darling man! You beat everyone and you we're evening trying to beat anyone but yourself!!! I mean, everyones going nuts with happiness for him and the camera pans in to show he's pissy 'cause he didn't beat his OWN time! HAHAHAHAHAAHA!!! That is the cutest, most humble thing I have ever seen. I so love and admire people like that. He deserves his victory. His attitude puts that arrogant, piece of shit Thorpe to shame.
YAY FOR THE CUTE SWIMMER!!!!
I just loves cute swimmers, yes I do...
That's all for now...
Life and Death
Well, hello there. Welcome to another Wednesday. It's been a nice week, so far. I took the day off yesterday to spend a much-needed day with my mommy. What a lovely mother/daughter day we had; complete with lunch, shopping and lots of gabbing. I even shared some of my childfree lifestyle thoughts with mom, who completely understood where I was coming from. Since this has been on my mind so much, I felt I really needed to come clean to my mom. It felt great to hear that she supports me in whatever path I choose to take. I'm very thankful to have great parents who not only raised me to be a smart, responsible adult, but also support me.
Okay, on to the scuba diving weekend... It was...A LOT. A LOT to spend on A LOT of equipment, A LOT to take in, A LOT of time and A LOT of water. Friday night we bought/rented all of our equiment including, but not limited to, mask, snorkel, fins, boots, gloves, BCD vest, tank, weights and wetsuit. Lordy. You ever try to put on a wetsuit? Not an easy task, especially in the humid changing room at the store. I struggled with one suit for 20 minutes, getting rubber burns on my fingers, all the while not even able to pull the thing past my knees, until I finally decided to go with the next size up. Not much easier to get on, but it eventually worked out. Oye. Saturday we had classroom workshop from 9 to 11 a.m., then break for lunch and meet at the pool for practice with our gear from 1:30 p.m. to 4:30/5 p.m. We were exhausted after that and could do scarcely more than eat and fall asleep. Sunday was a repeat of the same, 'cept we were in the pool 'til six. Oye. OYE. Tiring as hell, but oh so much fun.
This coming Saturday is the first ocean dive. *gulp* I'm doing well, able to breathe underwater/get around fine... I'm just nervous about going into the murky California ocean with all of this heavy shit strapped to my back. And it's gonna be OH SO VERY early in the morning...we are to arrive at 6:30 a.m. and it's an hour drive from home. I'm not a morning person, but I'll have to suck it up when the alarm goes off at 4:30 a.m. It's gonna be worth it!! But what if it's cloudy? What if it's FREEEZING? What if I lose my equipment? It'll be fine, I can do it. All I have to do is relax and think about how much I enjoy swimming in the ocean in general. Except this time I have to keep from being slammed in the head by a metal air tank, either mine or someone else's. Our group is cool though, seven of us including the instructor. We get along well so it should be fun. Wish me luck!
Speaking of exercising, I'm headed to the Y tonight for another workout in the gym. Yes. ME. The one who hates the gym. Well, this one is different...I used to go there for years back when I was swimming in high school and college. I like that it's a nice change of pace. I love being able to swim as well as utilize a gym full of equiment. Last Thursday I did the stationary bike for 45 minutes and it felt fabulous afterward! Gonna do that again today, plus some of the other machines. Not gonna swim 'cause I'm still a little waterlogged from the weekend.
Oh yea, and...damn... We lost Bernie Mac AND Issac Hayes... FUCK! What the HELL, man?! Okay, now that we've lost so many cool people lately, can't we start getting rid of the shitty ones? Not gonna name any names right now, but there are plenty of assholes in the entertainment industry that I wish would take the low road to hell...
And with that, I am off to eat some lunch. Yummy leftovers are calling my name...
Bye bye!
Okay, on to the scuba diving weekend... It was...A LOT. A LOT to spend on A LOT of equipment, A LOT to take in, A LOT of time and A LOT of water. Friday night we bought/rented all of our equiment including, but not limited to, mask, snorkel, fins, boots, gloves, BCD vest, tank, weights and wetsuit. Lordy. You ever try to put on a wetsuit? Not an easy task, especially in the humid changing room at the store. I struggled with one suit for 20 minutes, getting rubber burns on my fingers, all the while not even able to pull the thing past my knees, until I finally decided to go with the next size up. Not much easier to get on, but it eventually worked out. Oye. Saturday we had classroom workshop from 9 to 11 a.m., then break for lunch and meet at the pool for practice with our gear from 1:30 p.m. to 4:30/5 p.m. We were exhausted after that and could do scarcely more than eat and fall asleep. Sunday was a repeat of the same, 'cept we were in the pool 'til six. Oye. OYE. Tiring as hell, but oh so much fun.
This coming Saturday is the first ocean dive. *gulp* I'm doing well, able to breathe underwater/get around fine... I'm just nervous about going into the murky California ocean with all of this heavy shit strapped to my back. And it's gonna be OH SO VERY early in the morning...we are to arrive at 6:30 a.m. and it's an hour drive from home. I'm not a morning person, but I'll have to suck it up when the alarm goes off at 4:30 a.m. It's gonna be worth it!! But what if it's cloudy? What if it's FREEEZING? What if I lose my equipment? It'll be fine, I can do it. All I have to do is relax and think about how much I enjoy swimming in the ocean in general. Except this time I have to keep from being slammed in the head by a metal air tank, either mine or someone else's. Our group is cool though, seven of us including the instructor. We get along well so it should be fun. Wish me luck!
Speaking of exercising, I'm headed to the Y tonight for another workout in the gym. Yes. ME. The one who hates the gym. Well, this one is different...I used to go there for years back when I was swimming in high school and college. I like that it's a nice change of pace. I love being able to swim as well as utilize a gym full of equiment. Last Thursday I did the stationary bike for 45 minutes and it felt fabulous afterward! Gonna do that again today, plus some of the other machines. Not gonna swim 'cause I'm still a little waterlogged from the weekend.
Oh yea, and...damn... We lost Bernie Mac AND Issac Hayes... FUCK! What the HELL, man?! Okay, now that we've lost so many cool people lately, can't we start getting rid of the shitty ones? Not gonna name any names right now, but there are plenty of assholes in the entertainment industry that I wish would take the low road to hell...
And with that, I am off to eat some lunch. Yummy leftovers are calling my name...
Bye bye!
Thursday, August 07, 2008
Simply Fishy
First of all... Wow, isn't THAT cool? I like reading about those kinda things. They'z inter-stin.
And now...
The one...
The ONLY...
SALTWATER TANK IN MY HOUSE!!!
Yes, most of these pictures are somewhat crooked. I'm too lazy to fix 'em. There's the whole tank, giant flash included.
This is Lenny Blenny with wire in front... Oh yeah, my shots are pRoFeSsIoNaL, bAbY.
Lenny streaking by, with flashing eye. Hehehe... There's Camero the Bristle Tooth Tang over to the right. The algea on the back is blotchy from Camero's little 'kisses' as he eats it.
Here's Happy Yellow Tang, Camero and Lenny to the upper right. I can't seem to get a good picture of that little turd, he's so FAST. But you'll notice here that he's still got his juvenile stripe. That's completely gone now. He's usually half purple in the front toward his head and half yellow in the back toward his tail. Uhm, hence the name Bicolor Blenny. And sometimes he flashes little white spots up and down the side of his body and at the corners of his little mouth, usually at feeding time.
Here's a shot that does Coop the Pygmy Angelfish very well. Those half-inflated inner-tube looking things sticking out of the white rock are mushrooms.
These are my newest polyps. It's a shame the word 'polyp' always reminds me of a colonoscopy. These are much more appealing, I think. They remind me of the Fire Power Flower from Mario Brothers. Duh-Duh DUH Duh-Dah DAH...DUH...
More polyps and mushrooms and a lovely Torch Coral.
Here's the sand starfish, aka, Little Pooobiefish.
Oop! There he goes...into the sand! Sometimes he'll hang out on the back of the tank. He's also a little algea muncher. Algea muncher...*snicker* He leaves cute little mouth marks, too. Hehe...
The Candy Cane Coral. It's always easier for me to remember the common name for these things. They've all got their scientific names but I can't remember those for the life of me.
This is another nice shot of the Torch Coral.
Peek-a-boo! It's Prestone the Watchman Goby. That's his little spot, he hangs out by or on that coral skeleton.
This is what that skeleton looked like in the beginning... It's gotten a lot of green and light pink algea on it, which is great! Means the tank is nice and healthy.
Hi Prestone!
And for the finale, we have some "creative" shots. Heh. Yea.
It's Kaleidoscope tank!
OOOOoooooOOOOooooOOOOoOoOoOOoOoo!
AAAAAAAaaaaaaaAAAAAAaHHHhhHhhHhhh!
And now...
The one...
The ONLY...
SALTWATER TANK IN MY HOUSE!!!
Yes, most of these pictures are somewhat crooked. I'm too lazy to fix 'em. There's the whole tank, giant flash included.
This is Lenny Blenny with wire in front... Oh yeah, my shots are pRoFeSsIoNaL, bAbY.
Lenny streaking by, with flashing eye. Hehehe... There's Camero the Bristle Tooth Tang over to the right. The algea on the back is blotchy from Camero's little 'kisses' as he eats it.
Here's Happy Yellow Tang, Camero and Lenny to the upper right. I can't seem to get a good picture of that little turd, he's so FAST. But you'll notice here that he's still got his juvenile stripe. That's completely gone now. He's usually half purple in the front toward his head and half yellow in the back toward his tail. Uhm, hence the name Bicolor Blenny. And sometimes he flashes little white spots up and down the side of his body and at the corners of his little mouth, usually at feeding time.
Here's a shot that does Coop the Pygmy Angelfish very well. Those half-inflated inner-tube looking things sticking out of the white rock are mushrooms.
These are my newest polyps. It's a shame the word 'polyp' always reminds me of a colonoscopy. These are much more appealing, I think. They remind me of the Fire Power Flower from Mario Brothers. Duh-Duh DUH Duh-Dah DAH...DUH...
More polyps and mushrooms and a lovely Torch Coral.
Here's the sand starfish, aka, Little Pooobiefish.
Oop! There he goes...into the sand! Sometimes he'll hang out on the back of the tank. He's also a little algea muncher. Algea muncher...*snicker* He leaves cute little mouth marks, too. Hehe...
The Candy Cane Coral. It's always easier for me to remember the common name for these things. They've all got their scientific names but I can't remember those for the life of me.
This is another nice shot of the Torch Coral.
Peek-a-boo! It's Prestone the Watchman Goby. That's his little spot, he hangs out by or on that coral skeleton.
This is what that skeleton looked like in the beginning... It's gotten a lot of green and light pink algea on it, which is great! Means the tank is nice and healthy.
Hi Prestone!
And for the finale, we have some "creative" shots. Heh. Yea.
It's Kaleidoscope tank!
OOOOoooooOOOOooooOOOOoOoOoOOoOoo!
AAAAAAAaaaaaaaAAAAAAaHHHhhHhhHhhh!
Weren't those just BEAUTIOUS?!! It's so much fun watching this tank grow. I'm enjoying it thoroughly.
I can't wait to be able to swim in the ocean with these things. It's going to blow my mind...it'll be better than any drug/drink-induced trip I've ever had.
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
Creative Potty Signs
So many ways to communicate one dirty little thought. I love art.
I took a bazillion pictures of the salt tank over the weekend. I'm onna be posting those next. Perdy soon. Just gotta finish uploading some. But I got some really great shots of my little critters.
Speaking of saltwater, Ron and I start our scuba lessons this weekend. Last night was orientation. We've been planning to do this all summer and it's finally here! I'm so very excited! The next three weekends will be spent training. What's even MORE exciting is the fact that we'll be using our newly acquired skills in Hawaii! We're planning on going in either September or October. I've always dreamed of scuba diving in gorgeous waters... I know I got to do that on our honeymoon in Cancun, but that was too short lived. I only had about 15 minutes down there, most of which I was feeling horribly nauseous from the 10 foot underwater drift. Seasick? Underwater?! NOOO!!! I gotta do it again so I can get used to that crap and really enjoy the scenery that I've literally had hundreds of dreams about. I'm such a fishy head.
Okay, end of quick picture post. Back to the job.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
How much longer can I put this shit off?
I hate statement day. I really have to teach the new girl (well, not really new anymore, she's been here since March) how to do them. But you know how sometimes it's more of a pain in the ass to teach someone something than to just do it yourself? Especially when they'll keep asking questions over and over again. All it requires is patience, which is something I'm running low on. So I'll just keep putting it off.
Well...lemme start. Ooop, I printed ONE. Now I gotta fax it and mail it. Yea.
There's number two...
Okay, what else is going on? Nothing much. I finally received the actual letter from dude who wrote the book. It basically listed all the things that were wrong with the character and drawings, all things that should have been mentioned before I even inked the drawings, much less had them colored. My favorite part is at the end where he implies that this is just a minor "set back" in the grand scheme of things. It's a pretty major one in my eyes because I did all of this work for free. Well guess what? If he ever gets the balls to actually contact me (haven't heard a word by email or phone yet), I'm going to have to tell him that I will do NOTHING FURTHER without payment. Sorry bud. You have been a huge FLAKE and I owe you absolutely nothing. Next...
I can't seem to stay away from that Childfree site. Wow...who knew it was such a taboo to say you might not want kids. Everyone seems to take it upon themselves to assume that you don't like kids. Gawd people are stupid. My own MOTHER asked me! It's okay for people to hate birds, rats, spiders (all pets I've had or have) but say you don't like kids and you're instant EVIL. I'm totally not saying I hate kids. NOT AT ALL. I'm just starting to really come to terms with the fact that I ain't that crazy about 'em, that's all. They don't do it for me. Hey, birds and fish tanks don't do it for other people. I respect that not everyone loves, or even likes, animals and pets. Why can't people respect that I don't get all googoo over babies? Sure, some of them are adorable...but honestly, think baby animals (puppies and kittens and seals and bearcubs) are so much more appealing. I even hated dolls as a child. All I had and would play with were stuffed animals, carebears and My Little Ponies. I had a "fake" Barbie family and they were always the evil ones trying to take over Pony land or something.
I've always had this thing where I like animals more than humans. I think it also stems back to when I'd watch nature shows on PBS. The show would be about eagles, deer, wolves or whatever...living in beautiful nature. Then MAN would always come along and fuck things up with his industrialization, factories, housing, whatever...taking away precious homeland from the animals. Fuck humans. We think we're so special. All we are is the scum of this earth, which will probably shake us off like dead skin pretty soon anyway.
Wow. I have such a wonderful outlook huh. I'm starting to realize that I can't tell my poor, tender mother about some of the terrible shit that goes through my head, I can't tell her EVERYthing anymore. It's just too upsetting for her little world. I let it slip that I hate weddings the other day and she was like, "Gosh, honey...what's happening to you? Why do you hate everything so much?" Uhm. I don't know. Ask Ron. Wait, he doesn't know, either.
Oh yea, speaking of hating... This past weekend was the annual family "Beer Bust". My aunt (mom's sister) and her husband started the "tradition" about 25 years ago when my brothers and cousins were little. Well, my uncle has since passed...it's been about 5 years now. My other uncle passed about 7 years ago. Ever since the party uncles passed, the Beer Bust has become nothing more than a Bust. We went from a full keg, to a pony keg. Less and less people show up. Almost all of my cousins have kids of their own. The ones who don't have kids don't come. In other words, it's reeeeeeeeally starting to SUCK.
This years party was the worst. So the party is usually held at my aunts, which is about 45 minutes away. THIS year, said aunts snobby rich daughter (cousin married into an obscene amount of money) wanted to throw the party at her mansion, which is about AN HOUR and 45 minutes away. My first dissappointment came when they didn't hand out gas money to the poor people once we arrived. Maybe I should have asked. Imagine that! HAH! Anyway, when we finally arrived at the rediculously huge house, we were escorted to the rediculously huge back yard for the party. My second dissappointment was that I didn't bring a bathing suit so I could at least have a little fun in the pool. So besides it being at cousins mansion, (so she could show it off, no doubt, as she was giving "tours" all day) there was nothing different about the party. Just my family standing around talking. No games, no nothing. Just food and boring conversation with the same boring people that I have NOTHING in common with anymore. I enjoyed my mom and dad, as I always do, but even they started to bore me.
Would you like some hilights?
Let's see...
#1. HAS to be when the ONLY childless lady there, one of my brother and SILs friends, who is married but can't have kids, who I actually spoke to about being childless and my consideration of it when I last saw her a few months ago, had the AUDACITY to ask if I was pregnant yet! I gave her a look like, "Excuse me?!" and she said, "You act like it's a bad thing." and I replied, "Well, right now it is." Yea. Great timing there, lady. It's alright though, she had no idea. Neither do all of the other rude, prodding idiots who ask that lame question.
#2 When I found out disgustingly rich cousin is pregnant with her third child, by invetro, because they wanted a girl. AWWW. ISN'T THAT SWEET? Yea. Just the way God intended. *eyeroll* I only overheard her talking about her pregnancy about 67 times. That was annoying, but what was even MORE annoying was overhearing her talk about her two spoiled sons..."Oh yes, he has two rooms he calls his own. He likes to play in one and sleep in the other. Isn't that darling?" Awe. Hey, at least they're not want for anything, eh?
#3 Seeing said spoiled son scream "FUCK YOU!" to his older brother. He's 5 and bro is 7, by the way.
#4 When cousin Matt asked Ron what he did for a living, even though Ron's probably told him he's an electrician at the last three family parties he's been to. Ron drinks a lot and he managed to remember that Matt works on pools. Included in number four is the fact that Matt started talking to Ron and then seemingly lost interest and drifted over to talking to my wanna-be snob brother, who always has to bring and spread his cigars around to all the "cool" men. My brother always manages to get all the men to start talking "business" with him. How fucking BORING.
#5 When I told my SIL about the recent "disgusting" wedding I went to, where the bride was 7 months pregnant...realizing only afterwards that SIL was actually 2 months preggo with nephew when she married my brother 15 years ago. OOOPS. FOOT IN MOUF. *HMPH* Knowing her, she probably got a little offended 'cause she IS very Christian and getting preggo before you're married is pretty hairy...especially when your mom did it, too...and married your dad only because she was pregnant, then dad wasn't really in love with mom for all those years and finally left her for his long lost high school sweetheart a few years ago. Ahem. Yea. Didja get that? Dirty laundry is everywhere.
Gee. Am I being a little sensitive about this pregnancy thing? Maybe? Just a teeny weeny bit? It's an issue and it seems to be trying to stifle me right now. It's like normal women, after they get married, think about how much they want to have a baby, while I'm busy thinking about how much I DON'T. And then I have to go to a fucking shitty ass family party with people who couldn't give a fuck about me unless I'm doing what they expect me to do. How BORING. BORING BORING BOOOOORRRIIINNNGGGGGG.
Okay, that's all the bitter bitching I can do for now. I must get finished with this awfulness. Almost. Done.
Bye.
Well...lemme start. Ooop, I printed ONE. Now I gotta fax it and mail it. Yea.
There's number two...
Okay, what else is going on? Nothing much. I finally received the actual letter from dude who wrote the book. It basically listed all the things that were wrong with the character and drawings, all things that should have been mentioned before I even inked the drawings, much less had them colored. My favorite part is at the end where he implies that this is just a minor "set back" in the grand scheme of things. It's a pretty major one in my eyes because I did all of this work for free. Well guess what? If he ever gets the balls to actually contact me (haven't heard a word by email or phone yet), I'm going to have to tell him that I will do NOTHING FURTHER without payment. Sorry bud. You have been a huge FLAKE and I owe you absolutely nothing. Next...
I can't seem to stay away from that Childfree site. Wow...who knew it was such a taboo to say you might not want kids. Everyone seems to take it upon themselves to assume that you don't like kids. Gawd people are stupid. My own MOTHER asked me! It's okay for people to hate birds, rats, spiders (all pets I've had or have) but say you don't like kids and you're instant EVIL. I'm totally not saying I hate kids. NOT AT ALL. I'm just starting to really come to terms with the fact that I ain't that crazy about 'em, that's all. They don't do it for me. Hey, birds and fish tanks don't do it for other people. I respect that not everyone loves, or even likes, animals and pets. Why can't people respect that I don't get all googoo over babies? Sure, some of them are adorable...but honestly, think baby animals (puppies and kittens and seals and bearcubs) are so much more appealing. I even hated dolls as a child. All I had and would play with were stuffed animals, carebears and My Little Ponies. I had a "fake" Barbie family and they were always the evil ones trying to take over Pony land or something.
I've always had this thing where I like animals more than humans. I think it also stems back to when I'd watch nature shows on PBS. The show would be about eagles, deer, wolves or whatever...living in beautiful nature. Then MAN would always come along and fuck things up with his industrialization, factories, housing, whatever...taking away precious homeland from the animals. Fuck humans. We think we're so special. All we are is the scum of this earth, which will probably shake us off like dead skin pretty soon anyway.
Wow. I have such a wonderful outlook huh. I'm starting to realize that I can't tell my poor, tender mother about some of the terrible shit that goes through my head, I can't tell her EVERYthing anymore. It's just too upsetting for her little world. I let it slip that I hate weddings the other day and she was like, "Gosh, honey...what's happening to you? Why do you hate everything so much?" Uhm. I don't know. Ask Ron. Wait, he doesn't know, either.
Oh yea, speaking of hating... This past weekend was the annual family "Beer Bust". My aunt (mom's sister) and her husband started the "tradition" about 25 years ago when my brothers and cousins were little. Well, my uncle has since passed...it's been about 5 years now. My other uncle passed about 7 years ago. Ever since the party uncles passed, the Beer Bust has become nothing more than a Bust. We went from a full keg, to a pony keg. Less and less people show up. Almost all of my cousins have kids of their own. The ones who don't have kids don't come. In other words, it's reeeeeeeeally starting to SUCK.
This years party was the worst. So the party is usually held at my aunts, which is about 45 minutes away. THIS year, said aunts snobby rich daughter (cousin married into an obscene amount of money) wanted to throw the party at her mansion, which is about AN HOUR and 45 minutes away. My first dissappointment came when they didn't hand out gas money to the poor people once we arrived. Maybe I should have asked. Imagine that! HAH! Anyway, when we finally arrived at the rediculously huge house, we were escorted to the rediculously huge back yard for the party. My second dissappointment was that I didn't bring a bathing suit so I could at least have a little fun in the pool. So besides it being at cousins mansion, (so she could show it off, no doubt, as she was giving "tours" all day) there was nothing different about the party. Just my family standing around talking. No games, no nothing. Just food and boring conversation with the same boring people that I have NOTHING in common with anymore. I enjoyed my mom and dad, as I always do, but even they started to bore me.
Would you like some hilights?
Let's see...
#1. HAS to be when the ONLY childless lady there, one of my brother and SILs friends, who is married but can't have kids, who I actually spoke to about being childless and my consideration of it when I last saw her a few months ago, had the AUDACITY to ask if I was pregnant yet! I gave her a look like, "Excuse me?!" and she said, "You act like it's a bad thing." and I replied, "Well, right now it is." Yea. Great timing there, lady. It's alright though, she had no idea. Neither do all of the other rude, prodding idiots who ask that lame question.
#2 When I found out disgustingly rich cousin is pregnant with her third child, by invetro, because they wanted a girl. AWWW. ISN'T THAT SWEET? Yea. Just the way God intended. *eyeroll* I only overheard her talking about her pregnancy about 67 times. That was annoying, but what was even MORE annoying was overhearing her talk about her two spoiled sons..."Oh yes, he has two rooms he calls his own. He likes to play in one and sleep in the other. Isn't that darling?" Awe. Hey, at least they're not want for anything, eh?
#3 Seeing said spoiled son scream "FUCK YOU!" to his older brother. He's 5 and bro is 7, by the way.
#4 When cousin Matt asked Ron what he did for a living, even though Ron's probably told him he's an electrician at the last three family parties he's been to. Ron drinks a lot and he managed to remember that Matt works on pools. Included in number four is the fact that Matt started talking to Ron and then seemingly lost interest and drifted over to talking to my wanna-be snob brother, who always has to bring and spread his cigars around to all the "cool" men. My brother always manages to get all the men to start talking "business" with him. How fucking BORING.
#5 When I told my SIL about the recent "disgusting" wedding I went to, where the bride was 7 months pregnant...realizing only afterwards that SIL was actually 2 months preggo with nephew when she married my brother 15 years ago. OOOPS. FOOT IN MOUF. *HMPH* Knowing her, she probably got a little offended 'cause she IS very Christian and getting preggo before you're married is pretty hairy...especially when your mom did it, too...and married your dad only because she was pregnant, then dad wasn't really in love with mom for all those years and finally left her for his long lost high school sweetheart a few years ago. Ahem. Yea. Didja get that? Dirty laundry is everywhere.
Gee. Am I being a little sensitive about this pregnancy thing? Maybe? Just a teeny weeny bit? It's an issue and it seems to be trying to stifle me right now. It's like normal women, after they get married, think about how much they want to have a baby, while I'm busy thinking about how much I DON'T. And then I have to go to a fucking shitty ass family party with people who couldn't give a fuck about me unless I'm doing what they expect me to do. How BORING. BORING BORING BOOOOORRRIIINNNGGGGGG.
Okay, that's all the bitter bitching I can do for now. I must get finished with this awfulness. Almost. Done.
Bye.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Oh look! A door may have closed, but another one has opened!
Here's the email I received from the colorist this morning,
"This is my first and last experience with *Writerdork* me thinks ... if indeed this is a habit with him! Like you, I don't want my work counting for nothing. I say we take our work and create something else with it. Rename all the characters and come up with a way different story. Put on your thinking cap and so will I!!
He has his words and we have our art. Just remember also, it's just more in our portfolios so it's not useless work. I also SOOOOO understand (we are kindred spirits in this) getting TIRED of doing artwork with no pay. It's our idealism Julie, a right pain in the ass it can be at times. So, we are still moving forward in some venture as I think we need to. Keep smiling and don't let him run your emotions, we run them, remember!"
We also talked on the phone last night. She's got all of our work, he'd dropped it off with the letter. She said she wondered why he left in such a hurry...the pussy. I feel absolutely fine about the situation. I called it, I knew what I was getting into and my ego is not bruised at all. I've learned some important lessons from all of this:
1. Never, ever work with an unprofessional loser again, make sure they have some useful experience under their belt.
2. Get ALL the facts straight IN THE BEGINNING ~ Who is involved? Where is this going?
3. Secure PAYMENT CONTRACT (hourly charge/per square inch charge) IN THE BEGINNING.
And most of all...
4. DON'T AGREE TO BE THE VEHICLE TO SOME DOUCHEBAG'S PIPE DREAM.
That's all it was, I knew it. Same with that bitch who left me in a lurch three years ago. Fine. Be that way. I don't give a shit. I still have my talent! ASSHOLES! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!
Way to go with the confidence, huh? It also helps that Ron and I had an amazing talk last night. He and I seem to be more on the same page than I thought. It's a relief... We have our work cut out for us, but there is so much room for growth. All we have to do is take it one day at a time...and have fun while we're at it!
Speaking of fun, Ron and I signed up for our scuba diving lessons. We're gonna start next weekend! I'm so excited! We're planning on going to Hawaii (it'll be my first trip there, I'm DYING to go!) for some lovely scuba experiences. I've been wanting to get certified forEVER and I'm FINALLY gonna do it! I can't wait to dive and actually be comfortable with it. My first experience in Cancun was way too short... We went 30 feet down and there was a 15 foot drift...I got seasick and had to cut the experience short in order to get to the surface and puke. I've found out since then that you can apparently just go ahead and puke through your regulator. Nice. I hope that's true. At the same time I hope I never have to do it. Ewww...
Anyway, I'd better get some shit done. I can't wait to get out of here today. I'm so tired of working. I still need to get the fuck away... Be patient, it's coming...
Bye Bye for now.
"This is my first and last experience with *Writerdork* me thinks ... if indeed this is a habit with him! Like you, I don't want my work counting for nothing. I say we take our work and create something else with it. Rename all the characters and come up with a way different story. Put on your thinking cap and so will I!!
He has his words and we have our art. Just remember also, it's just more in our portfolios so it's not useless work. I also SOOOOO understand (we are kindred spirits in this) getting TIRED of doing artwork with no pay. It's our idealism Julie, a right pain in the ass it can be at times. So, we are still moving forward in some venture as I think we need to. Keep smiling and don't let him run your emotions, we run them, remember!"
We also talked on the phone last night. She's got all of our work, he'd dropped it off with the letter. She said she wondered why he left in such a hurry...the pussy. I feel absolutely fine about the situation. I called it, I knew what I was getting into and my ego is not bruised at all. I've learned some important lessons from all of this:
1. Never, ever work with an unprofessional loser again, make sure they have some useful experience under their belt.
2. Get ALL the facts straight IN THE BEGINNING ~ Who is involved? Where is this going?
3. Secure PAYMENT CONTRACT (hourly charge/per square inch charge) IN THE BEGINNING.
And most of all...
4. DON'T AGREE TO BE THE VEHICLE TO SOME DOUCHEBAG'S PIPE DREAM.
That's all it was, I knew it. Same with that bitch who left me in a lurch three years ago. Fine. Be that way. I don't give a shit. I still have my talent! ASSHOLES! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!
Way to go with the confidence, huh? It also helps that Ron and I had an amazing talk last night. He and I seem to be more on the same page than I thought. It's a relief... We have our work cut out for us, but there is so much room for growth. All we have to do is take it one day at a time...and have fun while we're at it!
Speaking of fun, Ron and I signed up for our scuba diving lessons. We're gonna start next weekend! I'm so excited! We're planning on going to Hawaii (it'll be my first trip there, I'm DYING to go!) for some lovely scuba experiences. I've been wanting to get certified forEVER and I'm FINALLY gonna do it! I can't wait to dive and actually be comfortable with it. My first experience in Cancun was way too short... We went 30 feet down and there was a 15 foot drift...I got seasick and had to cut the experience short in order to get to the surface and puke. I've found out since then that you can apparently just go ahead and puke through your regulator. Nice. I hope that's true. At the same time I hope I never have to do it. Ewww...
Anyway, I'd better get some shit done. I can't wait to get out of here today. I'm so tired of working. I still need to get the fuck away... Be patient, it's coming...
Bye Bye for now.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Well, shit...they DIDN'T like it!
Heh. Just got a disturbing email from the lovely colorist who joined us for the book project... The three of us had gotten together this past Sunday, as she had finished coloring the last drawing and had put them together in the book. *Dude who wrote the book* was to take the finished product to our investors. The email reads as follows:
"Hey girl ... just wanted you to give me a call or email me when you get the 'letter' from *dude who wrote the book*. Am kind of shocked and not sure about what I'm going to say to *dude who wrote the book*. Humm. Basically our investors (*dude who wrote the book's* mom and brother) don't like our character ... many reasons why, which means all those pictures are useless. *Dude who wrote the book's* letter didn't indicate that he disagreed with them. What are your thoughts?"
My thoughts? Well, my very first thoughts were, of course... WHAT THE FUCK, DUDE??! DIDN'T YOU SHOW THE FUCKING CHARACTER AND PROGRESSIVE DRAWINGS TO OUR FUCKING INVESTORS? YOU FUCKING JERK-OFF?! I know...how quickly I can go from, "What a sweet man." to "WHAT A FUCKING IDIOT!"
Now that I've calmed down (told my mom and Ron about it) I'm thinking I'd better get my drawings back from shithead. Yea, this is the guy that I'd decided I didn't want to work with, and then changed my mind. This was in October '07. Here's a blurb from an entry from back then...
"As for the art project I bitched about last week? I'm still gonna do it. Bottom line is that I have to finish what I start. And the drawings are coming out so well. I made it clear to the guy that I was pissed and disappointed though. I told him that I would still like someone to help us, preferably a professional who has dealt with this shit before. He's found someone and we're going to meet up again in a few weeks. In the meantime, I will do my drawings. What can it hurt?"
Oh, come now... It can't hurt anything! But my already fragile ego! Oh well, this shit happens all the time in the freelance art world. I'm going to call colorist woman tonight (she's actually really cool, I think I may have made a new friend) and figure out how we're going to get our work back. What have I learned? NO MORE DRAWINGS FOR FREE. From now on it's, "HEY ASSHOLE, I'M A SKILLED ARTIST. MY WORK TAKES TIME. YOU ARE NOT GOING TO GET IT FOR FREE. PAY ME WHAT I'M WORTH YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT!"
Ahhh, another of life's little lessons. I'm going to get up, dust myself off and continue to do my artwork. Just because some people don't like it, means nothing...except for when they're the ones funding the whole thing. Fuck. I guess I sorta knew this would happen. At least I was productive. And I don't care what they think, many people love my drawings so they can go ahead and fuck off. After they give me my hard work back, that is...
"Hey girl ... just wanted you to give me a call or email me when you get the 'letter' from *dude who wrote the book*. Am kind of shocked and not sure about what I'm going to say to *dude who wrote the book*. Humm. Basically our investors (*dude who wrote the book's* mom and brother) don't like our character ... many reasons why, which means all those pictures are useless. *Dude who wrote the book's* letter didn't indicate that he disagreed with them. What are your thoughts?"
My thoughts? Well, my very first thoughts were, of course... WHAT THE FUCK, DUDE??! DIDN'T YOU SHOW THE FUCKING CHARACTER AND PROGRESSIVE DRAWINGS TO OUR FUCKING INVESTORS? YOU FUCKING JERK-OFF?! I know...how quickly I can go from, "What a sweet man." to "WHAT A FUCKING IDIOT!"
Now that I've calmed down (told my mom and Ron about it) I'm thinking I'd better get my drawings back from shithead. Yea, this is the guy that I'd decided I didn't want to work with, and then changed my mind. This was in October '07. Here's a blurb from an entry from back then...
"As for the art project I bitched about last week? I'm still gonna do it. Bottom line is that I have to finish what I start. And the drawings are coming out so well. I made it clear to the guy that I was pissed and disappointed though. I told him that I would still like someone to help us, preferably a professional who has dealt with this shit before. He's found someone and we're going to meet up again in a few weeks. In the meantime, I will do my drawings. What can it hurt?"
Oh, come now... It can't hurt anything! But my already fragile ego! Oh well, this shit happens all the time in the freelance art world. I'm going to call colorist woman tonight (she's actually really cool, I think I may have made a new friend) and figure out how we're going to get our work back. What have I learned? NO MORE DRAWINGS FOR FREE. From now on it's, "HEY ASSHOLE, I'M A SKILLED ARTIST. MY WORK TAKES TIME. YOU ARE NOT GOING TO GET IT FOR FREE. PAY ME WHAT I'M WORTH YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT!"
Ahhh, another of life's little lessons. I'm going to get up, dust myself off and continue to do my artwork. Just because some people don't like it, means nothing...except for when they're the ones funding the whole thing. Fuck. I guess I sorta knew this would happen. At least I was productive. And I don't care what they think, many people love my drawings so they can go ahead and fuck off. After they give me my hard work back, that is...
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Ambivalence
Hi bloggie-blog. This week is going pretty well. I discovered this site and it has helped me immensely. Ya see, I'm not crazy. I just have to get rid of my rediculous fear of the unknown. I've got to choose not to be afraid anymore. I'm not afraid of never having children. I've always been a bit ambivalent on the subject and just assumed I would some day be a mother. Well, ya know what? That very well might not happen and I'm really okay with it. Even if my husband does not want to stay with me because of it, I understand...won't make it any easier to go through but hell. I'm NOT going to do something like that unless every fiber of my being is yelling at me to do so. Right now, every one of those little fibers are yelling at me NOT TO.
I had another talk with Ron over the weekend. It was messy and emotional but helped a whole lot. I needed to get this out to him. I just have to be able to do it without having an anxiety attack and scaring the holy hell out of my hubby in the process.
So here are a couple of my posts so far, to explain what's been rattling around in my tin can brain...
"Hi everyone, I'm new here...
So lately I've been thinking...I mean REALLY THINKING...about whether or not I want kids. It's starting to look like I really don't want them. My problem is my husband. He's 9 years older than me...gonna be 40 next year and it's starting to look like he wants at least one kid. I, on the other hand, have been coming to the realization that raising a child really isn't my thing. It's not that I don't like children, I really do enjoy the sweet ones. But I enjoy pets and animals so much more. They alleviate that womanly urge to "take care of something".
We talked about it some before we got married (we had a year together and a year engagement, not very long) and it was always a maybe... Lately he tells me it's okay, to take my time, but he really wants to be a father. *sigh* I've just kinda nodded my head...
I know, I'm very afraid to tell him... A few weeks ago was the last time he said it and that was when I'd tearily told him I didn't want kids. He started in with the ammunition...the "Oh, you'll be a great mom, look how well you do with your zoo of pets." and the dreaded, "I want a little girl that's just like you..." Oh and don't forget the, "I'll shape up and help more, don't worry.." Yea right.
So, this is my first step. Exploring. Then of course there will be therapy, nothing I'm not used to. I'm another one on drugs for anxiety and depression and have been going to therapy on and off since I was 12. It's in the family, both sides. Two of my cousins have it pretty bad. One of them is childless and living in Vegas with her hubby and chihuahuas. I guess another step would be to talk to her..."
Then post number two...
"Hey guys,
Thanks SO MUCH for all of the wonderful feedback. Yes, Kimmie, I am well aware of all the things that I will have to do if we have a kid. The thought of all that drugery makes me ill. I mean, I had a pretty good childhood, my parents provided well for my brothers and I. But I also had a very depressing childhood in that I hated school and so many of my peers where such @ssholes. I really don't want to watch my child go through all of that pain.
So I had to bring it up to hubby again this weekend... Lemme tell ya, it was not pretty. We got through it, but it was kinda hellish... I ended up freaking hubby out pretty badly when I had that anxiety attack in the car. This was after he told me to go ahead and have the kid and he'd raise it. WHAT?! I couldn't even speak and the tears started rolling... That's my problem, I get SO HYSTERICAL sometimes...
After the fiasco of emotions that was this weekend, I am still left with the conclusion that kids aren't happening any time soon, if at all. I love my husband very much, but in all honesty, I'm not sure if this marriage is gonna make it. We have many things to work through and a counselor is probably going to enter the picture sooner or later. I also admit that I ignored many the red flag when it comes to my choice in a hubby. But I made my decision to marry him and I'm going to do all I can to make this marriage work. And if it doesn't? I'd rather have a shred of sanity left, and no children to support, thank you.
First thing to work on? My self worth. Hubby tells me I'm SO AMAZING in SO many ways and how on earth can I doubt myself like I do? Well,as you have all said, I don't think he's seeing the big picture here. He's very focused on the "script". The foresaken picket fence... So I'm gonna work on being confident in life and around hubby. I need to show him that I am able to make a decision and stick to it. If he don't like it, as painful as it is, he can lump it. I know he loves me, too...he did say, during all our up and down emotional fighting this weekend, that he would stay with me no matter what. However, those are just words. He could resent me terribly for it. But that is really his problem, now isn't it?
All I know is that my marriage, as it stands, IS NOT healthy enough to sustain a child. My gut is screaming NOOOO!!!!!!! So I will continue on with cofidence and work on my marriage, first and foremost. If kids never happen, I don't care. I really don't mind being the "weird aunt" with all the pets. I was always different anyway...
Thanks again, guys. I'll be back."
Yea... Their responses and all of the other reading I've been doing has really helped me form an opinion. Now it's just time to RELAX and work on things. Everything is going to be fine. I only have to believe in myself because I'M the only one I have.
I had another talk with Ron over the weekend. It was messy and emotional but helped a whole lot. I needed to get this out to him. I just have to be able to do it without having an anxiety attack and scaring the holy hell out of my hubby in the process.
So here are a couple of my posts so far, to explain what's been rattling around in my tin can brain...
"Hi everyone, I'm new here...
So lately I've been thinking...I mean REALLY THINKING...about whether or not I want kids. It's starting to look like I really don't want them. My problem is my husband. He's 9 years older than me...gonna be 40 next year and it's starting to look like he wants at least one kid. I, on the other hand, have been coming to the realization that raising a child really isn't my thing. It's not that I don't like children, I really do enjoy the sweet ones. But I enjoy pets and animals so much more. They alleviate that womanly urge to "take care of something".
We talked about it some before we got married (we had a year together and a year engagement, not very long) and it was always a maybe... Lately he tells me it's okay, to take my time, but he really wants to be a father. *sigh* I've just kinda nodded my head...
I know, I'm very afraid to tell him... A few weeks ago was the last time he said it and that was when I'd tearily told him I didn't want kids. He started in with the ammunition...the "Oh, you'll be a great mom, look how well you do with your zoo of pets." and the dreaded, "I want a little girl that's just like you..." Oh and don't forget the, "I'll shape up and help more, don't worry.." Yea right.
So, this is my first step. Exploring. Then of course there will be therapy, nothing I'm not used to. I'm another one on drugs for anxiety and depression and have been going to therapy on and off since I was 12. It's in the family, both sides. Two of my cousins have it pretty bad. One of them is childless and living in Vegas with her hubby and chihuahuas. I guess another step would be to talk to her..."
Then post number two...
"Hey guys,
Thanks SO MUCH for all of the wonderful feedback. Yes, Kimmie, I am well aware of all the things that I will have to do if we have a kid. The thought of all that drugery makes me ill. I mean, I had a pretty good childhood, my parents provided well for my brothers and I. But I also had a very depressing childhood in that I hated school and so many of my peers where such @ssholes. I really don't want to watch my child go through all of that pain.
So I had to bring it up to hubby again this weekend... Lemme tell ya, it was not pretty. We got through it, but it was kinda hellish... I ended up freaking hubby out pretty badly when I had that anxiety attack in the car. This was after he told me to go ahead and have the kid and he'd raise it. WHAT?! I couldn't even speak and the tears started rolling... That's my problem, I get SO HYSTERICAL sometimes...
After the fiasco of emotions that was this weekend, I am still left with the conclusion that kids aren't happening any time soon, if at all. I love my husband very much, but in all honesty, I'm not sure if this marriage is gonna make it. We have many things to work through and a counselor is probably going to enter the picture sooner or later. I also admit that I ignored many the red flag when it comes to my choice in a hubby. But I made my decision to marry him and I'm going to do all I can to make this marriage work. And if it doesn't? I'd rather have a shred of sanity left, and no children to support, thank you.
First thing to work on? My self worth. Hubby tells me I'm SO AMAZING in SO many ways and how on earth can I doubt myself like I do? Well,as you have all said, I don't think he's seeing the big picture here. He's very focused on the "script". The foresaken picket fence... So I'm gonna work on being confident in life and around hubby. I need to show him that I am able to make a decision and stick to it. If he don't like it, as painful as it is, he can lump it. I know he loves me, too...he did say, during all our up and down emotional fighting this weekend, that he would stay with me no matter what. However, those are just words. He could resent me terribly for it. But that is really his problem, now isn't it?
All I know is that my marriage, as it stands, IS NOT healthy enough to sustain a child. My gut is screaming NOOOO!!!!!!! So I will continue on with cofidence and work on my marriage, first and foremost. If kids never happen, I don't care. I really don't mind being the "weird aunt" with all the pets. I was always different anyway...
Thanks again, guys. I'll be back."
Yea... Their responses and all of the other reading I've been doing has really helped me form an opinion. Now it's just time to RELAX and work on things. Everything is going to be fine. I only have to believe in myself because I'M the only one I have.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Do you think they'll get the point?
Probably not...but we put a lotta stuffing around that very expensive and fragile item. Always gotta take the precaution 'cause this box will most likely be drop-kicked from truck to truck...aaaaallll the way to Pennsylvania.
So... I was thinking of switching blogs, but then decided against it. I think I'ma stay here for a while longer. I just changed my colors and that's about it. I think I'll do another "about me" and link it again. Maybe a little later. I had to post this real quick 'cause we just got done packing this thing... I hope it makes it. Ya think?
Okay, back to work!
Thursday, July 10, 2008
...or I can go ahead and tell myself...
...like I do every day. It's gonna be fine. Of course I've calmed down since yesterday. I'm trying not to think negative thoughts. Don't pull myself into a depression... Instead, I should express myself in a positive way. Right, Mike? Right. I've started by drawing many silly little Peabirds on things... Flipped the page on the new desk calendar at the reception desk and doodled a buncha Peabirds doing various things, took a message for the boss with a Peabird in one corner of the page and there are Peabirds running up and down this purchase order I have in front of me.
Oh... This is a Peabird...
A birdy from my childhood imagination. That's when Tady finally made it onto a cartoon cell... I'd gotten a tablet of cells from an artist friend and HAD to try them. You know, everyone wants me to animate these little guys. But, I don't like what animation's become. That's another entry for another day.
So...I've been thinking (what ELSE is new??) and I figured out one thing that I really need...to express myself. To make myself heard, but in a positive way. That's the thing I need to fix, I have to stop being so negative all the time. Lean toward my silly, who-cares-what-you-think-I'M-gonna-do-it-anyway side. Ron always complains that I tend to get LOUD IN PUBLIC. Almost every time we go out to eat (which is a lot lately, says my little pot belly), I feel the need to loudly express how I'm feeling about...whatever...usually something negative about a particular person or situation. Whatever happens to be blowing my whistle at that particular moment.
"OH my gawd...LOOK at her HAIR!"
"What the HELL is that guy driving?!"
"What a LAME tattoo."
"GAWD I hate screaming babies!"
"Ooooh! I just dropped a green pepper down my boobhole!"
"Shit! I'm drooling all over the place!"
"Son of a fucking bitch!"
Yea. I'ma total potty mouth in public, too. Love hate and hate everything else. That's what Ron tells me.
*sigh*
I HATE it when he says that.
OYE. UGH.
But I really think these little outbursts stem from an innate need to be heard. I'm in constant need of validation. I'm still so usure of myself. Ron constantly tells me that I should be proud of myself, that I'm such an amazing person. It's great that my hubby thinks of me that way, but I feel so...so...in the backround. So many others are doing this same thing right now, I'm sure. I've read it. Do you know how many billions of other depressed women are out there, writing about their struggles on the internet? They're all getting it out of their systems. I need to get this outta mine.
Starving for attention. I feel stuck between being outgoing and being withdrawn. I hate all the popular crap out here, yet I don't strive to make my own...crap. I have so much talent and I feel like it's just sitting here because I'm SO AFRAID to get out there and express it.
"What if they don't like it?"
"What if it's been done before?"
"What if no one cares?"
Stupid, insignificant things that hold me back. I don't think I'm content being a regular person with all the regular, run of the mill bullshit that fills a regular persons day. rEgULar. Boring. But if you're bored, then you ARE BORING. Naw. That's not it. Oh, but be happy and count your blessings! OH BUT I HAVE.
What do I need to do to stop being so afraid? The constant fear is going to keep me from becoming the person I want to be... I want to be recognized and live a financially comfortable life. I don't want to be rich to the point of obscenity, just comfortable and able to do the things that make me happy. I want to fulfilled, find my niche.
Shit. Boss just called, she's on her way back to the office. I'd better get on the things I need to do. She's leaving tomorrow to take her niece to Hawii. I'm not afraid to express the fact that I AM SO FUCKING JEALOUS. Okay, keep telling myself she deserves it, she works her ass off, she's driven...things I'm not. But I COULD BE. AAAAAHHHH!!!!
Over and out...
Oh... This is a Peabird...
A birdy from my childhood imagination. That's when Tady finally made it onto a cartoon cell... I'd gotten a tablet of cells from an artist friend and HAD to try them. You know, everyone wants me to animate these little guys. But, I don't like what animation's become. That's another entry for another day.
So...I've been thinking (what ELSE is new??) and I figured out one thing that I really need...to express myself. To make myself heard, but in a positive way. That's the thing I need to fix, I have to stop being so negative all the time. Lean toward my silly, who-cares-what-you-think-I'M-gonna-do-it-anyway side. Ron always complains that I tend to get LOUD IN PUBLIC. Almost every time we go out to eat (which is a lot lately, says my little pot belly), I feel the need to loudly express how I'm feeling about...whatever...usually something negative about a particular person or situation. Whatever happens to be blowing my whistle at that particular moment.
"OH my gawd...LOOK at her HAIR!"
"What the HELL is that guy driving?!"
"What a LAME tattoo."
"GAWD I hate screaming babies!"
"Ooooh! I just dropped a green pepper down my boobhole!"
"Shit! I'm drooling all over the place!"
"Son of a fucking bitch!"
Yea. I'ma total potty mouth in public, too. Love hate and hate everything else. That's what Ron tells me.
*sigh*
I HATE it when he says that.
OYE. UGH.
But I really think these little outbursts stem from an innate need to be heard. I'm in constant need of validation. I'm still so usure of myself. Ron constantly tells me that I should be proud of myself, that I'm such an amazing person. It's great that my hubby thinks of me that way, but I feel so...so...in the backround. So many others are doing this same thing right now, I'm sure. I've read it. Do you know how many billions of other depressed women are out there, writing about their struggles on the internet? They're all getting it out of their systems. I need to get this outta mine.
Starving for attention. I feel stuck between being outgoing and being withdrawn. I hate all the popular crap out here, yet I don't strive to make my own...crap. I have so much talent and I feel like it's just sitting here because I'm SO AFRAID to get out there and express it.
"What if they don't like it?"
"What if it's been done before?"
"What if no one cares?"
Stupid, insignificant things that hold me back. I don't think I'm content being a regular person with all the regular, run of the mill bullshit that fills a regular persons day. rEgULar. Boring. But if you're bored, then you ARE BORING. Naw. That's not it. Oh, but be happy and count your blessings! OH BUT I HAVE.
What do I need to do to stop being so afraid? The constant fear is going to keep me from becoming the person I want to be... I want to be recognized and live a financially comfortable life. I don't want to be rich to the point of obscenity, just comfortable and able to do the things that make me happy. I want to fulfilled, find my niche.
Shit. Boss just called, she's on her way back to the office. I'd better get on the things I need to do. She's leaving tomorrow to take her niece to Hawii. I'm not afraid to express the fact that I AM SO FUCKING JEALOUS. Okay, keep telling myself she deserves it, she works her ass off, she's driven...things I'm not. But I COULD BE. AAAAAHHHH!!!!
Over and out...
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
What a bitch
It's the bruthas kitty, in the window on a lovely day. Henry is on the right. He's gettin' BIG. I can tell them apart by their faces though. And Stan's "baggage" floppy tummy. Cute little kitty kattuses.So yea, that last entry was kinda bitchy huh. I'm not feeling so great these days. Too much on my mind again. I'm feeling way too much lately. The same shit that I hate to admit feeling because I do it to myself over and over again. This stupid feeling of inadequacy. Like I'm not doing enough, like I should be more than what I am. This damn unhappiness with the person I am. WHY can't I love myself? I still don't believe in myself. I feel destined for failure and that's just WRONG.
What I have to do is use this stupid blog to write down what I want in life. Why aren't I happy? This is supposed to be for myself, but why not share it with the planet? Seeing as I'm feeling so desperate to be heard by more people. I just want to be heard. I just want more people to care. WHY? WHY do I feel so alone???
Okay, so let's start a list shall we? What do I want?
1. A happy, healthy marriage - I'm not feeling very healthy in my marriage lately. Lots of drinking by both of us. Lots of denial. Lots of expecting things from each other and not getting them.
2. A home, I don't care if it's small...just...something that's ours. It's coming, I know. We're working on it.
3. To go somewhere new. I don't know. I keep saying I want to move somewhere else, but then I'm petrified of leaving my "support system" ...the few friends I have and my family. I need my mommy and daddy to be close. I love them and I don't want to move too far away. But at the same time I have this urge to get the HELL OUTTA L.A.
4. To stop being afraid. I'm so tired of being afraid of everything. I feel so perpetually STUCK. I should do this and I should do that to get out of this rut. I know what this and that is. I just don't wanna do it.
5. For it to be okay if I decide I don't want to have kids. I'm so worried about this decision. I know it's up to me, but Ron wants them and I don't want to disappoint him. He tells me it's okay, to take my time, but he wants to be a dad. WHY? What if I don't wanna? What if I never wanna? What if it doesn't make me happy? What if I'm just a lazy, no good, selfish person who doesn't want to deal with kids?! What if I just want to surround myself in my own little "jungle room" with birds and fish tanks? Will Ron leave me?!
Okay, so the list isn't working. Lists are for motivated, happy, I-can-get-through-anything 'cause-I'm-tough-as-nails type of people like my boss. Oh but wait, that's just a cop-out isn't it? I can do it, too, I just have to BELIEVE in myself and be positive and give of myself and all that shit.
That's all for now. Somebody, please email me. I'm so lonely. Please? Somebody just tell me it's gonna be okay.
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
Bikini shopping SUCKS...and so do ugly bratty kids at fireworks shows
Hi. I hate shopping. I hate grocery shopping, shoe shopping, clothes shopping, tire shopping and any other kind of shopping that is frequently required and involves certain amounts of bargain hunting. I'm terrible at bargain shopping...if it's taking too long to find a particular item, I'm guarateed to pick up the most expensive option. I just don't have the patience for it.
Sunday we went to the beach. We wanted to ring in the summer with a nice boogie board/swim in the ocean session. I'm putting on my old standby blue and brown floral bikini. I'm tired of it and had purchased a new one in Cancun, however I lost the bottom of that lovely set at the stupid laudromat. So it's the standby or the hideous old-lady one piece. I'm not ready for that yet. Ron says, "How 'bout we buy you a new bikini?" OH-KAY HUNN-EEE!! Little did I know the frustration to come...
Sports Chalet, Mervyns, JCPenny and three trendy (two of them by the gloomy beach) shops later, I end up with a way too expensive and too small bikini. What the hell is wrong with me?! Anyway, I'm gonna make the best of it. It was the last plain, black bikini they had. The only one I really liked all day. I was looking for something plain and simple in a solid blue, red or black that would stay on while swimming in the ocean. I swear, do these buyers get all of their stock from the same damn manufacturer?! It seemed like I had all the same choices at all of those places! I even saw the exact same design...this horrible white and brown thing with little brown hearts all over it. BROWN HEARTS? EEW! Then there were the ones that looked like a fiesta threw up on them...all these horrible colors mixed together...yellow, brown, red, blue, green, turquiose in designs that made my eyes cross. And if I DID manage to find something in a solid color, it would have all these stupid damn bows, rings, ruffles and shit all over it. I couldn't even figure out how to get one of the stringy messes off the hanger! I ain't no waif, so string bikini's do not work for me at all. I like to cover my butt cheeks. I found the one I ended up buying at a shop near home. They were having a "sale" so I was able to get an alternative bottom. The top works fine and is plain black so I'm thinking of going back for a nice pair of black and/or red board shorts. And that's IT for bikini shopping. YUCK.
The beach was gross. Holiday weekends at the beach are complete shit. Not only was it crowded as hell, it was also cold and gloomy. One of those days where it's lovely and just a little hazy inland, but once you're three blocks from the beach the thick marine layer rolls in. As I mentioned in the river entry, now that I'm older, it takes a bit more to get used to freezing ass water. So freezing ass water and gloomy ass day means my ass ain't touchin' the water. Damnit. I really miss swimming again. *sigh* Maybe next week.
So that was my Sunday. The rest of the weekend was a little cleaning and a lot of lazy. Friday's public fire works show was okay. The downside was having to show up two hours before the show and sit through the boring bands and patriotic crap. I swear, all those people throwing flags around and shit...I know it takes a lot of effort and all but...all the routines started to look exactly the same after a while. Then there was the little butterball kid, his ugly sister and their whale of a crappy mom sitting next to us.
Little Pig - "NOoOooOooo...MOOMMYYY...NOOOooOOo!"
Little Miss Pig - "NOOoOooo!!! I wannn' it!"
Little Pig and Miss Pig in unsion - "WHAAAHHHHH!" (I swear, they were crying in a painful harmony)
Mommy Pig - "Be quiet or we're going home!"
Yea right. Nothing says discipline like empty threats. I hoped for the best, but they didn't move. So it was Mommy Pig, Grandma Pig and the nasty piglets, who squirmed and bitched and kicked and whined throughout the entire pre-show. I wanted to eviscerate that ugly little shit. When it was almost time to start the damn fireworks show we came to see, there was a sudden influx of parents and kids into our section. I couldn't take it anymore and grabbed Ron so we could head over to the next section they'd decided to open up 10 minutes before the fireworks. We had to leave his poor mom and grandpa to deal with the piggy family.
The show, when it FINALLY came on, was interesting. I always find it fun, and kinda scarey, when we're right in front of a fireworks show. I fear the things are gonna explode prematurely...like they'll get halfway up to where they're supposed to explode...say 500 ft instead of 1000 and BOOOM! There you go. Along with the rest of the crowd. Bloody bits all over the stands. MMmmm... Yea, the show was good but afterward...ugh... Ron's grandpa came with us, right? Well, we'd decided to take a cab to maybe make things a little easier with gramps being handicapped and all. Cab worked out all fine and good when we got there, he dropped us off right at the entrance. But getting out of that hellhole? Not so easy. They wouldn't let cabs in until the majority of the crowd cleared. That means we were either stranded or we had to walk grandpa pace all the way to where our cab was parked, 6 blocks away. Yea, see...we didn't know they wouldn't allow cabs in after the show. We found out that little useful tidbit AFTER the show...after grandpa had already tripped and skinned both his knees. A walk that should have taken 15 minutes tops, took us 50 minutes. Never. Again. And I hope Rons mom complained like she said she was gonna. What kind of public place doesn't provide for the handicapped? Not even the cops helped us out!
And that's it. My three day weekend. Now it's Tuesday again already. And the end of another entry. I gotta go. Bye bye.
Thursday, July 03, 2008
This time it's not a charm
Okay, I've tried to fix that damn link THREE times now and it won't work. The entry I refer to in the first paragraph is the orange one from a few weeks ago called "Gettin' the hell outta here..." GAWD. I don't get it. Oh well. I gotta eat.
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