Give it a rest

Again, I need to change my attitude. I have to keep telling myself that life is to live, not to be afraid of. There are plenty of things in this world that are worth it. I have to remember that. I have to be stronger because I KNOW I have it in me. I have to believe in myself, no matter what. It's been said billions of times...you have no one in this world but yourself. Only you can help yourself.

That's what it is...more self analysis

Co-dependence. I'm so dependent on other people to make me happy that I can't stop to make myself happy. How can I make myself happy?

Negative

I've had this awful, angry, negative attitude lately and it's driving me crazy. It's driving Ron crazy, as well...unfortunately. I can't continue to do this to him, I know it's not fair. I just don't know how to get rid of this feeling, although I'm pretty damn sure what's causing it. I've decided that I really need to continue to take these stupid pills for now. Then I have to go to the doctor and quit trying to do this myself. I've become so moody and unhappy I honestly don't know what to do. Friday was terrible...as my first post that day illustrates. I managed to calm down as the day went on and even got a good workout in.

My after-exercise high did not last, however. Ron called while I was on my way home, like he usually does. The conversation was going fine until he told me about his new work schedule for the upcoming month or so...actually he's not sure HOW long it's gonna go on but anyway... As if his work schedule (2:30 p.m. to 11:30 p.m.) wasn't shitty enough, starting today he's gotta work 5:00 p.m. to 1:30 a.m. My first reaction? "WHHHhhyyyyy????!!!!" *whine* *whine* *whine* He was not pleased with my whining, to say the least. And of course I can't blame him. It's not his fault he has these shitty hours right now. He's only a few years into being an electrician and he has no choice. I know it's terrible of me to be this way, I did the same thing to my ex. I had to deal with him being gone ALL the time. He'd been a seasonal forest fireman for so long and when they FINALLY hired him on perm, he had to go through all the shitty training and shitty schedules that all new recruits have to deal with for the first few years. The second summer after he was hired on was the worst. I had just reluctantly moved to another city with my parents and was struggling with the fact that we were now so far apart from each other (1 hour away as opposed to 3 blocks away) and his being gone for three weeks at a time on fires made it all the worse. He'd be on his way home from one fire that he'd been gone 2 weeks on, only to be called away THAT SAME DAY to another fire for ANOTHER 1 to 3 weeks. I threw so many tantrums it was rediculous.

Those same feelings of lonliness are back. I know we get to sleep together and I get to see him in the morning, but it still sucks hairy turds. My first thought in the morning is, "Oh goody, another long, boring day. I don' WAH-NAH go da weerrk." I take it out on Ron by slamming doors and cupboards while I'm getting ready. Then I inevitably find myself nodding my head saying, "I know, I know, I'm SO sorry..." over and over again while tears of frustration roll down my cheeks. I can't keep doing this. It's not healthy for the relationship at all. Ron doesn't need the extra stress of worrying about my stupid feelings. I'm supposed to be strong and supportive. I can't revert back to this sniveling little baby anymore. It's just these stupid negative feelings are taking me over. How am I ever going to enjoy life like this?

Doodlie doo

I decided to stay home tonight and RELAX. If anyone needed to relax, it's definately me. After a nice long and tiring jog (the first real jog I've gone on in a few weeks) I came home and did what I had to do and then....ffffffffflllllllllaaahhhhhhh....reeeeeelax. Chill. Let my mind drift. Then I pulled out the sketchbook and did a little drawing. That helped. THEN I took out the camera and snapped some pictures of some of my newer sketches. It's kinda ghetto, but it works!

Here's an example of a "Pea Bird", which is something I've been drawing since I could pick up a pencil...



They've certainly evolved, lemme tell ya... Here's a girlie Pea Bird...



Then I drew Stan, who was obviously asleep next to me while I was sketching.

Ahh yes, here we have "Odie's Revenge"with some more random Pea Bird faces...



These last ones I did free hand, with a pen and WITHOUT a pre-sketch in pencil. I was bored as HELL at a temp job. The entire office was decorated with eagles. It sunk in...





Okay, that's it. Later!

One more thing...

No, I'm not losing my mind, I just happen to be PMSing. I forgot about that for a moment. Gee whiz, no wonder I feel like shit. I guess it's time to think happy thoughts? Right? Happy. Fucking. Thoughts.

My pissed off Irish side

I AM a quarter Irish, ya knowww. Whoopie, it's St. Paddy's day. Yes, I'm wearing green and will most likely consume lots of beer this evening...be it green or not.

I hope my mood gets better as the day goes on though, I'm not happy right now. I really want to go home. I do not feel like working. Shit, what else is new? I woke up alright, but as I was getting ready to leave I had to yell at Ron because the heater was left on too high all night. So he just got up, told me I'm being "moody" and left. Whatever. Silly me for thinking he understands what I'm going through with the moods right now. Silly me for thinking I can control them.

Another thing that's really pissing me off is flakey people. I've been trying to get together with my friend Rosemary, another impossibly busy person. We had originally made plans a MONTH ahead of March 11th. I contacted her last week, didn't hear anything until the day we were supposed to hang out... Surprise! She's busy! Can we do it the 18th? Okay, sure. Surprise! She's busy again! Can we do it the 25th? This time I emailed, "I guess, just email or call me ahead of time and let me know if it's ON." I'm so FUCKING SICK of motherfucking busy fucking goddamn motherfucking-ASS FLAKES.

Oh yea, and no apology from Kim either... This was my email to her a few weeks ago after she said she'd call me and I didn't hear anything from her, per usual...

*************************************************************************************

Okay, it's been over a month and I haven't heard a word from you. I realize you're busy, I do... I guess I just don't understand HOW busy. You don't have to call or anything, I know it's a pain. I'm not crazy about talking on the phone either. It's just that I miss you, goddamnit. I keep telling myself to wait for you now 'cause the ball is in your court. But I always run out of patience. I haven't seen you in over a fucking YEAR. What is up?? Am I nagging too much? You don't have to have us over...but it sure would be nice to see you.

*************************************************************************************

Her answer?

*************************************************************************************

I'm not really sure what to say....... I miss you too. I don't want to go into details or give you excuses, but sending an email like this will certianly get a response... but not in a good way. I'm working 6 1/2 days a week, some of those days 12 hours. Your not the only one thats been missing... Please bear with me while I get myself situated in a new career. Somewhere in this mix I have a man to tend to, and we've had some major issues with his son getting in trouble with the law... I've got my pets here, my dog, cat and horses here at the house. I have a yard to tend, a house to keep... should I mention the bills and just... LIFE!! It's been a crazy year indeed..... Sorry I've dissappointed you sooo...

I'll try to keep in touch, but emails like this kinda piss me off... We don't live in the same city, and we are at a point in our lives where we need to find a place to ground ourselves. That's all I'm trying to do... It's nothing personal to you.... I deal with so many different personalities at work, that I just come home exhausted.

Anyway, I hope all is well. Things are good here otherwise. We sent Chris home to his mom, and we are now enjoying what little time we have together in the house alone. Its been pretty cool. How are you?

*************************************************************************************

Okay...fine. Now my answer...

*************************************************************************************

I'm sorry to piss you off... I'm just throwing another one of my tantrums is all. I apologize...again. I DO realize that you have a helluva lot going on with your new career, and that's not including the troublesome teenage boy you've had living with you and your private zoo. Shit, I really don't know how you do it.

But I need to tell you that I was really hurt when you invited us up and then didn't call when you were too busy. I would have understood... A phone call, voicemail or even an email. It takes two seconds. It made me kinda mad...not to mention hurt and disappointed.

We're at entirely different times in our lives on top of the fact that we live so far apart. That's just how it goes. I know you're bad at keeping in touch and I understand about talking on the phone. I don't like talking on the phone very much, either. So I guess I'll just pop you an email every now and again to see how you're doing.

I'm doing fine, thanks. Just starting..... Blah blah blah....

*************************************************************************************

See? I understood...or at least pretended for her sake. I haven't heard anything from her since. I guess I did get my apology and I'm now asking for too much from someone whose priorities are much different than mine. She's got horses at home and a career in horse training. I guess when you're shoveling that much SHIT every day, it becomes your life. Whatever, I guess I just don't understand.

But I sure do HATE it when people come at me with a bunch of excuses (although I know they're true in her case) about how busy they are and they're so sorry and blah blah blah blah FUCKING BLAH. Naw, don't go out of your way or anything. Don't bother.

Yes, Kim has been trying to get "grounded" since I've known her. Like I've mentioned before, she's moved six times in the past three years and has had five jobs. I think this one is her sixth. I guess we all grow up and move on. We end up in different places and then there's just no time. Oh well, time to get some pride and move on. Fuck it.

Okay, I think I'm done bitching here. So happy goddamn motherfucking son of a bitchen fucking fuck Patty's day.

More unbelievably cute pictures...'cause I know you luv 'em

Someone sent me these in an email a while back and I thought they were just precious. So creative! I can't help but stare at them over and over again. My favorite is the Irish Setter and the redhead girl. Great face she's making there!

Moments in time...

Not my kids, obviously, but I had to post this because I find it hilarious! It's so beautiful how cameras just capture the moment...

High life

I'm tired today... I had to be here really early today, too, because there is a crew here using our building to film some commercials. They're from the production company that's right next door to us. So I had to come in and close off some of the areas, as we have some very expensive stuff in our warehouse and showroom and we don't want these boogers casing the building. We've got your basic Hollywood/LA types walking around. They set up a refreshment table in the front foyer and I've had to chain myself to my desk to stay the hell away from it. Donuts, candy bars, soda, granola bars, coffee...a fucking mini-mart. They won't be done until about 5 or so. I hope I don't have to stay through the whole thing. Maybe my boss will let me go home a little early since I got here so early. Ugh...there's a guy named "Kip" here. Yea. I hate Hollywood.

I had a fun weekend again. Tyra, Melanie and Bam came over Friday night. It was a blast. We played Super Mario 3 for much of the night. I found out that Tyra and Bam were just as obsessed with that game as I was! They knew the timing secrets and everything, which made it lots of fun to play with them. Mario Brothers was the only video game (the series) that I ever had the patience to get good at. Of course I had to take a picture of the t.v...



World one...

Then at around 11:00 p.m. we had all hell break loose from the sky. All at once it started thundering and hailing like crazy! That's always fun for us Californians who don't often see such an extravaganza. We had to run out into the hail at one point. I got a few pics and I thought I'd uploaded all of them but only have one for now...



My car with hail on the windshield. OH MY GAWD it's HAIL! Can ya tell I took it through a screen? I kept getting fucked up shots outside, plus my camera was getting wet (duh) so I took about a thousand shots through the screen until ONE came out. I kept using the flash and standing back from the screen, wondering why all I got was a blurred, white shot. Yes, we had been drinking. I did manage to get a great "accidental" shot of the hail coming down...it looks all cool and artsy farsty like I'm a photographer and did it on purpose or something. Well, maybe it's not that good, but it's pretty cool. I'll upload it later, along with a couple of others that include a very wet Bam standing in the hail, me ducking in the hail and Ron coming down the driveway with his truck lights illuminating the downpour.

Here's a cute, although very orange, shot of Tyra and I at some point in the evening. I always like to get these close-up shots of a friend and I...



It's like, "LOOK! We're having FUN!"

The rest of the weekend consisted of just being with Ron...lounging, shopping, eating and a little time at my cousin Mark's while Ron tried to lace up some BMX rims for him. It turned out to be a lot more complicated than Ron thought it would be (of course) so we brought them home. Now there's MORE stuff in my livingroom. Yay. I can't wait to move to a bigger place.

Oh yea, one other development... I'm trying to wean myself off of Paxil, since I've been on and off of it for the past four years. I don't feel like it's really working anymore and want to get it out of my system for good to see how I feel. Try being myself for a while. Then if I need antidepressants again, I'll be all fresh and ready for a new drug! Woo! The withdrawal symptoms suck ass. Lisa told me about an online support group specifically for people withdrawing from Paxil because she went through complete hell trying to quit it cold turkey. I'm so very glad to have some sort of support because it's helped tremendously already. It's probably going to take me at least six months to safely get off of this crap. Joy. I have to be careful and lower my doses in small increments or the withdrawal will drive me nuts. I feel irritable and depressed then crazy happy, unable to concentrate, tired and dizzy all at once or at different times. Right now I've got the blahs. But I've got Ron's support and that's the most important thing. We had a breakthrough this weekend, he's finally starting to understand the way I am. He couldn't get my moods sometimes and why I'd throw fits over the smallest things. I've told him so many times that I've been this way all my life and it got worse as I entered adulthood. Now he's beginning to see and he's supportive. I love him so...

I hate Tuesdays because it's the beginning of not seeing Ron for four days. Another reason why I'm blah. But I'm sorta looking forward to tonight. I'm supposed to go see my friend Maya, a very nice older woman who has birds. She has cockatiels now, but used to have lots of lovebirds when she was younger. She wants to see Pickles and meet Punkin'. Should be fun. I love hanging out with fellow bird nerds occasionally.

Okay, that's about it for now. I've got work to do. Time to concentrate. CONCENTRATE.

More drawings...in color!

I found an old sketchbook from college the other day when I was cleaning out my shitpile closet. I was so happy to find this particular book. It's small with a hard, black cover and I can take it anywhere. This is the first page in it, another page of random brain fart boredom doodles. I remember it was the first day of school and my art teacher was giving a lecture on what was expected of us that semester and all of that blah blah blah usual stuff. I can't help but doodle during lectures. Later on in the semsester I colored the page with colored pencils...



Tell me, what are some of the things you see on this page? Feel free to ask, "What in the HELL is that??!" I LOVE it when people ask me that...or when they point to a particular doodle and ask, "Why? WHY?" Sends me into hysterics!

That same year I seem to have become obsessed with frogs. There are several pages of frogs in this particular book. These two pages are my favorites...





This second one I did during my other classes. It was colored with hilighters and a red ball point pen. I love how it turned out. I'm going to try to have this sketchbook with me a lot so that I can jot down ideas and sketches whenever. Isn't that what real artists do? It's fun anyway. I'm feeling all inspired again.

Finally...a new camera battery!!!

And all the pictures I've wanted to share!!! Here we go...

First, me with both lovies on my shoulders...





My very clean fish tank, and you can even see a couple of the fishies!! The striped guys in the front are called clown loaches. They're my all-time favorite fresh-water fish. They get HUGE when you put them in a big tank. I can't wait to put them in the bigger tank when we move.



These are my two newer fish, the cichlids...it's so hard to get a clear picture of darting fish!



Most of the My Little Pony collection. This was taken before I got the ones from ebay...



Stan exploring outside. I love the way cats walk on walls with such determination.



And everyday I pull up in the driveway to see this in the window. Every. Single. Day. Since he was a kitten. That little face in the window warms my heart, especially after a particularly shitty day...like yesterday.



That's it for now. I need some more tea. I feel like shit this morning.

Another button contest!

Okay, I'm trying again for the helluvit... Head on over to

Warcrygirl's

to vote. It's on her sidebar at close to the top. Mmmmmmm-kaaayyy?? Thanks!

Vegas pics

One last post for today. I finally got the pictures from our Vegas trip. Melanie had emailed them to me last week, but the files were H-U-U-U-G-E and wouldn't fit in my lil' ol' email account. Unfortunately, they're a little blurry but you should get the...um...(warning, bad pun!)picture. Hehehe. Heh.

Here we are on Saturday at Melanie's first game. This one's gonna go in the "Our group eating at a table" collection that Melanie and I are putting together.



See how fresh and smiley we are? That didn't last. The day went on and on and on and after an allnighter, this is all that remained...





The boys weren't too happy to be awake here...



Thanks, fellas. We needed the obligatory flip-off pic. Especially after an all-nighter in Vegas. I have yet to see the video of me scooting across the floor caterpillar-style on a wheelie chair and stool. That's gonna be fun... 'Kay, bye bye for now.

Another frozen banana delight...

I've got a crazy sweet tooth and a frozen banana is just like banana ice cream to me. After a chinese food lunch, a frozen 'nanner sliced and served with a sprinkling of Cinnamon Toast Crunch hits the sweet spot thoroughly. WOW that was delicious.

Where was I?

Before I finish my weekend blather, I jusss' wanna give a shout out to Zoot
for adding me to her reads list. Woot! Woot! For Zoot! WEEEEEeeeeeeeeeee!!! Thanks ya!

M'kay.

So where was I? Oh yea, Friday night. I must've hugged Ron for five full minutes when I got home that night. By the time the end of the week rolls around I am so starved for him I can't stand it. The evening was lovely... Saturday we got up fairly early so that we could start getting things done. Ron went to the bank and to run a couple of other various errands while I tidied up the place. Saturday mornings drive me a little cleaning crazy because I usually get up at about ten, when the morning sun is bright and heading into the afternoon. It shines through the windows at just the right angle and brightness as to illuminate all the cat hair, litter, feathers, bird food and bird shit that I missed cleaning up during the week. Then there's the beer bottles and caps all over the kitchen sink and coffee table. MMmm....GAH. Gotta. Clean. It. UP. SWEEP! Vacuum!!! Ron gets home and I'm lifting the couch like that scene from "Something About M_ _y"... Heh. I just have to clean up a little, helps motivate me.

Saturday was our first official "wedding planning" appointment at a local community entertainment center. They have bowling, ice skating, banquet rooms, a garden...so I thought I'd make an appointment for us to check the place out. We met our contact at 1 p.m. and she showed us around the place. It was nice and put some ideas in my head. It also gave me something to tell my mother about. See mom? I'M PLANNING. I especially liked the garden area because it was tucked away behind the facility, kind of nestled into the hills. And the whole place isn't too far from the church. It's a nice option.

After that, we headed toward the local H@@ters for some beer, hot wings, crab meat and sports. Lovely lovely afternoon. I had a clam shooter. YUMMY!!! They put it in their little shot glass (which you get to keep I found out as I was getting ready to steal it as I'm sure is what made them just let people keep the damn thing 'cause we all think the same drunk thought) in nice layers. The first is the actual clam, then cocktail sauce and finally some foamy melted butter. *Slup* Mmmmmmmmm...I taste everything in an afterburp. I love that slightly fishy clam mixed with the other ingredients. Then your beer burblin' belly just sets that shit off. Yeaaaahhh... We had four beers each and it was time to go. I was all loopy and silly, it was great.

We stopped to pick up one of my favorite Din'ney movies on the way home... L@dee an' thu Tramp. I had heard that it was on sale earlier that week and I HAD to get it! Yes, it was made during the time that cartoons were still art. Beautifully HAND-painted backrounds, beautifully HAND-animated characters. Not all of this over-stimulating, computer animated, in-your-face-you'd-better-be-impressed, mass-produced shit. We went home and watched it right away. It wasn't long before I had tears streaming down my face. It's not that it was touching or anything (although it damn CUTE) it's just the beauty of the thing. Cartoons, animation and illustration are my favorite genre. As an artist I LOVE this stuff so much and to see painstaking talent touches me. I don't know how to describe my reaction. I guess it starts with a lump in my throat and then I get sort of a head rush...then the tears start spilling over my HUGE, sappy smile. I remember each and every facial expression, sound, movement...the way they walk. I especially love the dog fight scene. The glowing eyes coming out of the dark alley set off by a low, menacing growl. The dancing shadows on the fence. Then there are the backround paintings. Yes, they're 2D, but they're gorgeous and done with nothing but a paintbrush. Fuck 3D! It's fucking cheating as far as I'm concerned. I know computers are an entirely different medium and it does take artistic talent to produce with them, but fuck...things are becoming so goddamned realistic that we may as well computer animate characters over real scenes!!

Anyway, lessee...so the rest of Saturday was spent getting progressively more fucked up as we watched movies. I eventually passed out on the couch and don't remember going to bed. But I woke up about midnight like, "Oh...I'm in bed." I love that how-in-the-hell-did-I-get-here?? feeling. There's absolutely nothing like it. I don't know what time I fell asleep Saturday, but by the time I woke up Sunday my back was aching from too much lying in bed. We finally got up and headed straight for the laundromat with our seven loads of laundry. I washed everything on the bed, too. After what seemed like years of folding, Ron had a surprise for me. We hopped in the car and ended up at the IMAX theater where Ron treated me to the best 3D show I'd ever seen. Now THIS is the kind of 3D I like, an underwater documentary. It was none other than awesome. We "swam" through reefs, kelp forests and clouds of tiny moon jellyfish. We had sharks and giant rays coming straight at our faces. Microscopic creatures circling around our heads in the current. I had to point out the "boy" and "girl" sharks to Ron. "See honey, that one has claspers, that's a boy." And, "Look honey! That's an ocean sunfish! OH MY GAWD." I was thrilled with the show and even more thrilled that despite the fact that there were about three thousand children in the theater, none of them had a tantrum that made me want to stuff cotton in their orifices.

After the fantastic show, it was off to the grocery store to get some shopping done. Ron had promised to come with me the next time I went. I fucking DETEST grocery shopping. It's always better to have someone with you. We picked up some tender beef and all the fixin's for Ron's delicious burritos. I'd never had them. I'll say this, I want them again. And again. And again. Just thinking about them is making muh mouf wattah. We went home and Ron made his masterpieces while I, once again, tidied up a bit. This time it included the bird cages and the much-needed change out and scrubbing of the cat box. I try to do that at least once a month. Sunday ended about the same way Saturday did, except I remember going to bed. All in all, a great weekend. All in all, not long enough.

*Whew* I gotta get to work. I've been working on this on and off all morning and I really have to get to some phone calls. My FAVORITE. Bye bye for now.

Mundee

It's Monday evening already. Seems like it was just Friday. I had anot fabulous weekend. It was equal parts of getting shit done, sleeping a whole lot and drinking myself silly...

Friday night was spent with Melanie, checking out the house of a horder. Melanie's mom's best friend died a few weeks back. She was a nice woman, but she had some issues. First off, she had inherited a ton of money from her parents so she never really had to work. Her parents passed away when she was still fairly young and left her with pretty much all she'd need for the rest of her life. She had the supplemental income of rent money from some tenants that lived in the duplex she owned. Unfortunately, she was a very VERY depressed woman. A depressed, lonely woman with a compulsive shopping habit and an intense love for cats. Bad combination.

The house and duplex that she left...I...I don't know how to explain it. I mean, I've seen horders on animal planet. You know, when the animal police have to go in and rescue the fifty to seventy feral, diseased cats and/or dogs from a filthy house? Yea, this was kind of like that. Except she took very good care of her cats and actually didn't have too many. I think she only had about seven indoor cats at any given time. She only had four indoor kitties in the main house at the time of her death. Two were very sweet, two were on the skiddish side. But the STUFF. Oh my GAWD the stuff. I've never seen so many cat figurines in one place in my entire life. Not even in a knick knack shop. I have to say, although she wasn't very...um...organized...she had some good taste when it came to some things. She was an artist and had an appreciation for animals, though mostly of the feline persuation. Still, some of the figurines were really cool. And she had some of the orginal cells from Warner Bros. and Disney cartoons and animated features. But there were piles and piles and piles of just stuff... Furniture, Stuffed animals (an entire floor of one bedroom was piled with various stuff animals about TWO FEET off the floor), shoes, clothes, jewelry (TONS of costume jewelry), pictures, artwork, boxes, books, CDs, records, pet bowls, A REAL CRYSTAL BALL for chrissakes! Every corner had some sort of glass display FILLED with cat figurines. In the bedroom were wall mounted shelves with rows of dolls and a three-inch thick pile of dust connecting their heads. Oh yea, and in the kitchen the stove was rendered useless by a stack of just...shit... I don't remember, I think there were some pots and pans that hadn't been used in years and piled on top was more boxes and...SHIT.

That was just the main house. Then we went to the duplex. The duplex in which she had let five of her cats live for a while. Yea, through the backyard of statues and windwheels and birdbaths and a HUGE wooden cat house that many a neighborhood stray liked to hang out in. We couldn't even open the door to the duplex all the way. It was so stacked that we had to CLIMB in order to get to the semi-cleared kitchen where there was standing room. There was a tiny path from the front door to the kitchen. And there were no lights. AT NIGHT. We scoped the place with flashlights, looking at the stacks of furniture and and and...so much shit I couldn't grip it. Melanie said my jaw was just dropped the whole time. I was...for lack of a better word...flabber-fucking-gasted!!! We got outta there after only a few minutes you know, 'cause it was DARK. And spooky as hell.

So Melanie wanted me to finally see what she had talked about as we were growing up. I had never seen it and I'd known this woman for quite a long time. Like I said, she was a nice lady but she had some MAJOR issues. Poor thing, it was terrible to see what a disgusting environment she had lived in. She had all the money anyone could ask for, yet she was miserable. The experience was sobering, if anything.

After the house of horrors, we grabbed some dinner and headed over to Mike's for an evening of laughs. Mike is really into computers and he's always got tons of entertaining websites and internet snippets to show us. We saw a wonderful clip of a bunch of George Bushs' fuck ups during his speaches, all edited together. Next was a scene from "Drawn Together"...fucking hilarious. Then we watched this crazy shit called "Wander Showzen"...I can't even begin to explain it. Crazy shit man. Then Mike made us each a cool new music CD. By the time that was done, Ron was FINALLY home from work and I went home to cuddle with him for the rest of the night.

Uh Oh, speaking of Ron...he just got home. He got a chick flick for me!! I guess I'll have to finish this tomorrow and go enjoy him on this one night during the week that he gets home before I'm comatose on the couch. Later!

Well...

I think I've been investing a little bit too much emotion into this. Like I've said...I'm an emotional person. I tend to invest a lot of passion into some things, especially when I've just discovered them. This blogging is somewhat new to me, so I'm still a bit fascinated and affected by it. The bottom line is that I'm expecting too much from complete strangers. I'm reading too much into this. I should really just take it at face value. It's nothing but a trend. And I'm exploring it. That's all.

On with the show

I'm still at work, even though my boss said I could go home early. This is a sad state of affairs...why in the hell am I still here? Well, because I brought my sketchbook in today because my boss was going to be out of the office most of the day and I wanted to use his scanner to finally get some of my paper sketches onto the 'puter. I really need to invest in a scanner for home...

Anyway, here are some of my doodle pages. I've been doodling like this since I was very little. Just sit me down with some paper and a pen or pencil and I am entertained for hours. Just drawing whatever comes into my warped little mind. Today's theme is "Doodles done on my work notes pages"

This is from when I worked at an asphalt maintenance company back in 1999.

These are from when I worked at a telecomm company in 2002-2003.

And this was an ongoing work while I was temping at some company (I don't remember the name, there were so many) back in 2000.

My mind does wander, doesn't it...

Yea

It's Friday. I'm so glad... I'm tired as hell today, too. My cousin Nick (the brother of my cousin, Mark) is in town for a week and we got together last night at a bar. It was me, Nick, Mark, my brother Steve and his friend Ben. I wish Ron could have been there, it was so much fun! We did what is exepected, got all shitfaced and talked about old times. It was great seeing Nick again, I hope he moves back to LA... He moved to Minnesota with my uncle about ten years ago. It'd be awesome if he came back.

So, I've been thinking, I'm gonna start a new rule with my blogging. I've made the mistake of trying to latch onto other groups, leaving notes for people in other REALLY POPULAR bloggers comments sections. I'm not gonna do that anymore. I'm not gonna try to play their fucking games if they're just going to ignore me. I'm gonna be ME and write about my life and not give a flying fuck who reads it. Who CARES how many "hits" I get, or whatever. This is NOT a contest...even though I've entered another button contest in another feeble attempt to get some looks... But still, I've been doing this wrong. I need to go through blogs and try to find ones that I'm really interested in and comment there. I'm through jumping up and down in the backround yelling, "lookit me!" "lookit me!" No really, I am. I just get intimidated and envious when I look at these people's blogs. Why do I feel so self conscious?? That's so lame of me. This is supposed to be fun and it's making me feel bad.

No more. Like my few, nice readers have told me before... I just need to keep it up and enjoy it. That's what I'm gonna do. I'll continue doing my own thing. I shouldn't forget that I do have REAL friends online and offline. When it comes down to it, I have much more going on in my life than to have to fret about what strangers think, say or don't say.

Blurb

Oh yea... And I wanted to thank the few of you who have left me nice comments. I really enjoy getting a little bit of feedback here and there. Especially after my little whine fest a few weeks ago.

I know I'm too sensitive, but I kinda bothers me when I leave people comments and they just ignore me. But I've been known to take things the wrong way. I guess I'm not really up on the blogger...um...social principles? At least I'm better than I was in the beginning. I can be a real catty bitch sometimes (I think that's kind of inherent in women, in' it?) and in one of my first diary entries I ragged on this one diarist in an extremely rude and insensitive manner. In an ENTRY. Not a note...not a comment... She was on my "list of reads"....one of the first diaries I'd ever read. Well, her friends came back at me...but very politely. They shamed me. Then the actual person I'd dogged wrote me a nice comment, wishing me a happy birthday! That sent my foot right into my mouth, down my throat and out my ass. Needless to say, I changed the entry and then wrote another entry apologizing profusely for my BAD bad manners. She was very gracious toward me for a while after that. A lesson in humility!

But yea...I know that just because I wanna be your friend or, in this case...uh...blogger buddy? Internet cohort? Doesn't mean you gotta be mine. As I've been told, these things take time and patience. What does it matter anyway? In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't.

I appreciate the support, though. I'm not gonna make this a career or anything, but it's a lot of fun to write about shit and get feedback. It's still pretty new to me, as you know. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around the fact that people make money doing this. I guess I'm a bit of a simpleton when it comes to computers. I saw that Dooce had opened up her comments a few days ago and HOLY SHIT...over 1500!!! Wow! It's awesome that she's come so far in five years.

I am just a very down to earth person (when I'm not being a catty bitch, shame on me!) and will never become any sort of celebrity because I can't stand them as a whole. I couldn't handle it and I just don't have it in me. I'm not a performer, just a weirdo. I mentioned in a post a long time ago that I can't stand arrogance and even the hint of pretentiousness. It drives me insane. I don't need a fucking hoard of devoted followers. Just some nice people.

So thanks, nice people. BIG, friendly smile to ya!

Birdy play date

What a great time I had last night. I visited Paul (my friend Marguerite's 12 yr. old autistic brother) and brought Punkin' and Pickles along. Paul has his own cockatiel named Gloria and so we had a birdy play date. We've done this about five times now, and it's so much fun! Paul had never met Punkin' and loved how she flew around the room. He laughed and laughed when she'd come flying at me, landing in my hair! His little Gloria is so beautiful, sweet and sooo tame! She's not a normal grey cockatiel like his last one...she's what's called a cinnamon pearl mutation. This is not his bird, but she looks a lot like this...



Such a gorgeous girl. Always preening herself. She mostly just sat there on Paul's or my shoulder and watched my birds fly around like, "What in the fuck are these things? They're so LOUD and obnoxious!" Cockatiels are laid back birds. Of course they all have different personalities and some are more rambuncious than others, but cockatiels in general are gentle and calm. Why didn't I get one of those instead of my very energetic lovebirds and parrotlet? Because I think they're boring and common. Lovebirds are very common too, lots of people have them. This is due to the fact that they are prolific as hell, beautiful (the normals are lovely and then you have the many gorgeous mutations) and fairly cheap. But many people who have lovebirds don't have the patience to tame them and usually keep them in an aviary or in pairs in a large cage. An older lovebird is a bit of a challenge to tame. I guess my point is, I like the challenge...

Yea.

And it's cool to have at least one tame lovebird. It makes having the untame one much easier. Untame Punkin' has become very attached to tame Pickles, as lovebirds do, and follows him around everywhere. Pickles loves to fly to me, as I've been training him to do it and rewarding him much of the time with a generous serving of millet seed...or what I like to call, birdie pot. So last night, Pickles flies to my shoulder or I pick him up and next thing I know Punkin' is landing on my head, shoulder or chest. Works out well!

Anyway, last night was a lot of fun. Paul's parents ordered Chinese and it was fabulous. They just remodeled a few rooms in the house as well. I've been to that house so many times over the years and it's so cool to watch it change for the better. They have great taste. The t.v. room, where we ate dinner, used to be this tiny tiny room. Now it's expanded and they have a gorgeous new HD t.v. in there. So we watched the tail end of a cheesy movie (Armogeddon...OH the cheese) while we ate dinner. I was also able to tell Paul that I don't like the phone calls every single night. He had started that again and I didn't have the heart to tell him over the phone. I wanted to tell him in person. I told him that I don't like talking on the phone very much in general, that I'm happy to be his friend and really enjoy talking to him, but could we talk maybe once or twice a week instead... Maybe give ME a chance to call him. He was very sweet about it and as far as I could tell, his feelings weren't hurt at all. I always worry over confrontations! Even with a little boy!!

A funny thing happened on the way home. I was driving along and I looked to my left to change lanes and BEHOLD...



Hehehehe! Wasn't I just blathering on about these little guys yesterday?? Yup, little guy was crawling up my driver's side window. So I rolled it down just enough to stick my arm out to pluck 'im off the window. I put him on top of my steering wheel and watched as he slowly crawled toward the two o'clock position. Yes, I am easily amused. By the time we got home, he was already past that point and had left a beautiful slimy trail on my steering wheel cover. I put him in a bush and went in the house to get a wet cloth to wipe down my wheel. Eww... Snail trails are NOT cute.

Okay, that's about it for now. It's Thursday and I've got to make some more collection calls. PAY UP, BASTARDS!!!

Snailz

While jogging last night, I came across a snail all curled up in its shell right in the middle of the sidewalk. A prime squish candidate. I gently picked it up and tossed it in the nearby bushes. I did this because, well, I have a weird confession to make...I think snails are cute. I know, I know... My love of critters goes above and beyond mere mammals. It's a sickness.

When I was a little girl I would sometimes collect snails in plastic cups, much to my mother's disgust. "Why in the hell can't you be like NORMAL little girls and like horses and play with dolls?!", she would exclaim in frustration when she'd come across one of my "collections". The "Snailville" I'd created in a shoebox and hidden under my bed was enough to make my parents seriously consider therapy. Ah, but that would come later in life...

So this is my tribute to my little slimey buddies, the snails... With their cute little eye stalks that retract when you touch them with the tip of your finger. I used to love to watch as the stalk extended again...the tiny black dot would magically appear..."boop"...at the end.

Oh, and I mustn't forget my pals, the rollie pollies. Sow bugs. Little crustaceans that live under rocks. They didn't do so well in my shoebox society, as I didn't know what exactly it was that they ate. But they were sure fun to "roll" down my toilet paper tube of fun. Uroll 'em and tape a few together and you've got an amazing rollie pollie slide! Put the buggers in a glass of water, or even your water-filled baton, and watch them crawl along. Amazing! They can "breathe" under water!!

There you have it, a disgusting bit of my childhood. I just HAD to share...