Negative

I've had this awful, angry, negative attitude lately and it's driving me crazy. It's driving Ron crazy, as well...unfortunately. I can't continue to do this to him, I know it's not fair. I just don't know how to get rid of this feeling, although I'm pretty damn sure what's causing it. I've decided that I really need to continue to take these stupid pills for now. Then I have to go to the doctor and quit trying to do this myself. I've become so moody and unhappy I honestly don't know what to do. Friday was terrible...as my first post that day illustrates. I managed to calm down as the day went on and even got a good workout in.

My after-exercise high did not last, however. Ron called while I was on my way home, like he usually does. The conversation was going fine until he told me about his new work schedule for the upcoming month or so...actually he's not sure HOW long it's gonna go on but anyway... As if his work schedule (2:30 p.m. to 11:30 p.m.) wasn't shitty enough, starting today he's gotta work 5:00 p.m. to 1:30 a.m. My first reaction? "WHHHhhyyyyy????!!!!" *whine* *whine* *whine* He was not pleased with my whining, to say the least. And of course I can't blame him. It's not his fault he has these shitty hours right now. He's only a few years into being an electrician and he has no choice. I know it's terrible of me to be this way, I did the same thing to my ex. I had to deal with him being gone ALL the time. He'd been a seasonal forest fireman for so long and when they FINALLY hired him on perm, he had to go through all the shitty training and shitty schedules that all new recruits have to deal with for the first few years. The second summer after he was hired on was the worst. I had just reluctantly moved to another city with my parents and was struggling with the fact that we were now so far apart from each other (1 hour away as opposed to 3 blocks away) and his being gone for three weeks at a time on fires made it all the worse. He'd be on his way home from one fire that he'd been gone 2 weeks on, only to be called away THAT SAME DAY to another fire for ANOTHER 1 to 3 weeks. I threw so many tantrums it was rediculous.

Those same feelings of lonliness are back. I know we get to sleep together and I get to see him in the morning, but it still sucks hairy turds. My first thought in the morning is, "Oh goody, another long, boring day. I don' WAH-NAH go da weerrk." I take it out on Ron by slamming doors and cupboards while I'm getting ready. Then I inevitably find myself nodding my head saying, "I know, I know, I'm SO sorry..." over and over again while tears of frustration roll down my cheeks. I can't keep doing this. It's not healthy for the relationship at all. Ron doesn't need the extra stress of worrying about my stupid feelings. I'm supposed to be strong and supportive. I can't revert back to this sniveling little baby anymore. It's just these stupid negative feelings are taking me over. How am I ever going to enjoy life like this?