Just LOOK at it!

Thank you to my lovely internet friend for this. You know who you are... I love it and had to send it to all my friends, especially my birdy friends. Look at that adorably detailed teeny tiny kitchen! AAA!!! I love miniatures and would love to collect some...if I had the room.

So yea, I'm still alive. I'm ashamed to admit that this place has taken a backseat to the mindless games on Fakebook. Well, they're just the current internet sensation to help me pass the day. Stupid time-wasters like 'Farmville', 'Fish World' and 'Cafe World' distract me from reality as well as provide me with pointless goals that make me feel productive. They actually have helped make me more productive at work, as they help me set a sort of schedule.

It goes kinda like this... Start task/project, check on farm, finish task, check on fish tank, go back to project put off last week, check cafe, do a little of project and put off again to check on fish tank. I know it's bad, but my productivity really isn't affected too much. I need something to distract myself with during the day or I'll go crazy. Lately it's been the stupid games because they keep me from thinking too much.

I've actually laid off going to that childfree site I used to frequent because it's one of the things that puts a negative spin on my thinking. I mean, it's okay to visit and let off steam, but I really don't want to think about it so much anymore. Especially THAT shit. So I don't want kids. So the fuck what. I have to turn it into a more positive thing and not make such a big deal about it. All it does is make me look insecure and angry and I want to get rid of those feelings. Well, I know I'll never be completely rid of them (maybe the insecurity if I'm lucky) but it does help to back off a bit.

Well tomorrow is another visit with the counselor with Ron. This will help decide our next course of action. Things have been okay and we're both in 'trying' mode again. I've also got plans in case things don't work. I've got alternatives, I just don't feel all the way ready to pick up and go right now. I'm scared, of course, but I cannot take one more fight like the one we had a few weeks ago. It's way too emotionally taxing. I'm just trying to keep myself together and be calm. But I'm not doing enough to help my depression. I guess I have to want to help myself rather than continue to feel bad. I wish I could dig this black spot out of my chest. For now I have to chip away at it the best I can by telling myself it's gonna be okay. It's not that bad...