No, it's not okay

"Sometimes you really don't, really don't, REALLY DON'T know what I mean..."

Right when I say I'm not gonna write. Here I am! Well, I feel like I've got to get this out and it feels better to do it digitally. It's also faster this way.

Things continue to be bad in my marriage. Denial has been rearing its ugly head for so long that it's beginning to trick me into thinking everything is okay. I know, deep down in my soul, that things ARE NOT OKAY. I AM NOT OKAY. The feeling that I'm circling the bowl is not normal. I am not supposed to be this uptight, this worried, this UNHAPPY in a marriage.

For the longest time now, we have lived as separate entities. He works at night and comes home late when I'm already in bed. I wake up early and leave while he's still sleeping. The weekends are a little different. We sleep in late, go out to eat breakfast, run errands, come home with a couple of movies and drink the night away. Sunday is more of the same, except I'm in the dreaded 'cleaning for the week' mood. Gotta get a few things done, the vacuuming, dusting, cleaning the bathroom, laundry. This disturbs the hell out of Ron, as he's trying to watch football. We've had the same argument over and over. He doesn't help me clean so I can get it done faster, no... He just complains and asks why I can't do it during the week. Sometimes the argument disintegrates into a fight. I end up crying hysterically. He gets angry and either leaves or ignores me. I continue with chores, maybe drink a little. He also starts to drink, to relax and comes around to comfort me.

He tells me everything is fine, everything is going to be okay. But it's not...

The reality is that we just don't understand each other. Sure, we share some similarities, that's the reason we got together in the first place. But those few likenesses are NOT enough to sustain a marriage. We were raised with completely different morals. Our families, friends and experiences have made us into who we are. Ron doesn't understand this, he doesn't take these things into account because they don't matter to him. I can't seem to explain it to him in the right way without him taking what I'm saying and twisting it with his own scewed ideals. An obvious problem is that he's never seen what a healthy marriage is supposed to be. Never. How can I expect him to understand?

The unhealthy pattern is taking hold. Something has GOT to change. One of us is not happy and that is one too many. Actually, he is really not happy either. I don't think he knows how to be. If it continues this way it is just going to get worse and worse, until I finally lose my mind. I've already lost so much of my hard earned self esteem.

So what is it going to take? I think a separation will help us. Naturally I'm scared to death and it may take a little while before I stop sitting on these here laurels...but the feeling is there. I can't go on like this on a permanent basis.