My self esteem is in the shitter. I caught myself having the usual bad thoughts again this morning. They usually go something like this:
~I'll never amount to anything
~I'm tired of life and don't have motivation to do anything about it.
~Why can't I get myself out of this downward spiral?
~I'll never amount to anything.
~My time has passed, I'm just going to get older and uglier from here on out.
~What am I waiting for? Fear and laziness hold me back.
~I'll never amount to anything.
~I can't continue this way or it'll just get worse and worse.
~It's too hard to change, I can't do it right now.
~I'll never amount to anything.
~I am weak.
~I am stupid.
~I am worthless.
~I want to get out of here but I don't know how, I'm stuck and it's my own fault.
~Everything worth doing is hard.
~I'm scared.
~I'll never amount to anything.
The power of these thoughts is all encompassing. The tools that will help me conquer this beast are right here, I just don't know how to use them. You know, I'm beginning to think I like this stupid struggle that I'm putting myself through... I wish I could stop. I feel so weak and pathetic.
That's all for now. I have to get through the day now.
1 comment:
Oh Julie! This posting made me cry.
You are amazing! You are wonderful! You are beautiful inside and out! You will become stronger and you have lots to look forward to. You haven't even reached the half-way point yet. When you're 60, you're going to look back on your 30s and think, wow, I was young. And you are. You are so capable of so many things. Don't lose heart and focus on all the good things going for you.
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