Things are okay. Some days are better than others. I can't help but feel I'm making terrible mistakes. I went to my parents house this past weekend, just to get away again. They miss me horribly because I've kind of been pulling away from the family lately. This visit was for my dad's birthday and Ron was purposely uninvited. I think I've gone and told my parents too much. I'm betraying my husband. But he could have come, all he had to do was ask. All he had to do was act interested. Oh, but he thought it would be 'far away' at my parents or brother and SIL. He didn't know he wouldn't have to drive to my family. Instead, he waited until I got home to tell me that he felt bad.
I'm trying, but I'm drowning in a sea of unhappiness with my choice. It's all my fault that I can't talk to my husband. I let it get this way. I gave him the wrong idea. I made him think that who he is is okay with me. It's not. I'm not doing this right at all. Oh wait, I'm seeing a therapist. That's right. And I'm going again tonight. I don't know how I'm gonna afford this, but I need it. I'm still so mad at Ron. We got in another fight this morning because neither of us wants to do what the other wants. This isn't a marriage, this is a fucking joke. Our fight this morning ended with him telling me to 'go ahead and file the papers'. Wow. He doesn't even think I'm trying. But I don't think he is, either. This is rediculous. This is not how it's supposed to be.
The state of my life makes me think of some favorite lyrics...
"Darkness makes me fumble...
...for a key...
...to a door...
That's WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide open!"
1 comment:
I'm so sorry, chica. I wish I knew what to say. You're doing the right thing by going to a therapist. Big hugs to you.
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