OH MY GAWD

GUESS WHAT???!!!! Ron got us tickets to see Fantomas in San Francisco on New Years Eve! Who is Fantomas, you ask? Why, it's only one of MIKE PATTON'S BANDS! I GET TO SEE HIM LIVE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ronnie poopie head really wanted to go to a Patton show together and was thrilled to report to me last week that Fantomas would be coming to California this year. Unfortunately they're not doing L.A., but SF is just fine and dandy. We needed to go back there again anyway, since our last trip wasn't all that fantastic. This time we will be taking a plane. No more 10 hour train/bus rides for us. Anyway, now I have that to look forward to...plus Metallica on December 13th. Ron, the concert addict, sure does keep us hoppin' doesn't he.

I'm so proud of Ron lately...he's been trying very hard to make me happy since our troublesome time not too long ago. Things have been good. There has been a lot more respect on both sides. Lots of talking things through as well. I feel good about our future.

I managed to make it through one of the most boring weekends of my life... I had to work all weekend. We'd planned back in September to sell some of our overstocks (some that we've had for years) over this particular weekend at the local parish during the Saturday night, Sunday morning and Sunday evening masses. You know, it's the hellidays so people are starting to shop. So we set up three tables of merchandise for the church goers to pick through as they filed in and out of church. I was in Part of the proceeds were to benefit the scholarship program at the school. The rest went to our company. We did pretty well and managed to raise a good chunk of money. Too bad it's for selling crap I don't care about for a cause I can't give a shit less about. Oh well, at least I still have a job and am back to making the same amount of money I was before the cut backs last month. I'm still keeping my eyes open though. I just don't want to take anything, ya know? I can live with having a job instead of a career.

If I really wanted to make anything of myself, I could have by now. I guess it's a combination of not believing in myself enough, fear and plain old laziness. I get so angry at myself about it sometimes. I feel like such a failure. There are so many people out there making it happen with their art on the internet, in the movies, on the streets, in the papers and magazines...while I sit idle and uninspired. I know, I've been screwed because I'm just so dumb and screwable. I have a sign on my forehead that says "Take advantage of me, I'm stupid". That sign shows up plain as day when I'm feeling especially insecure. It's so easy to tell yourself not to be insecure and to believe in yourself. It's just so hard for me to do.

Enough with the downward spiral. I've gotta feel up UP UP for my jog this afternoon. I'm going around the lovely park near my apartment again this evening. I'd been working out in at the Y gym for a while, but now I need to go outside again. I still take advantage of the pool at the Y, but I can't always go to the gym. I miss the solitude of jogging outside in the quiet hilly area near my place. I'm not in the mood to look at that guy on the stationary bike, with the blank stare on his face and sweat dripping off the tip of his chin while his legs pump like crazy as he climbs the imaginary hill in his head. Niether do I want to see the dude who looks like a warewolf. Eck.

Alright, it's the end of another rambling, right off the top of my head entry. Later...