I can DO this!

Wish me luck, I have a job interview tomorrow morning. Do you think writing about it here will jinx me? I should quit being so superstitious and believe in myself. I'm trying to replace the fear with confidence. Heh. How am I doing so far? Pfft...

I've been checking out the website and doing my interview homework. This place really looks like a good fit for me. Seriously though...almost ANYTHING is a good fit at this point. I knew my time at this place was finite and I've dragged it out way too long. I'm losing myself here. Day in and day out, the same bullshit. My fucking brain is melting! I cannot sit idly by anymore. I'm going to drive out to the place tonight. I don't care about getting stuck in traffic, I have to know where I'm going tomorrow. I don't need that extra stress. Then when I get home tonight I'll take a hot bath and go to bed. That's what I'ma gon' do. I'm gon' make this shit happen!

Man, the past few months... If it hasn't been my marriage, it's my job. Intense emotions back and forth between the two. I must change something before I go insane. When all is said and done it's about priorities. Gotta concentrate on my job situation, as it will determine my future. No shit, huh. I'm so...perceptive. Anyway, I can't leave a troubled marriage (which it isn't bad right now, really) if I don't have any fucking income. I need my independence. I also have dreams... I want my fucking jungle room, man! In like, a HOUSE and shit. Just a little house...

No big deal if this one doesn't work out. I just need to have the strength and perseverance to KEEP TRYING. Don't be afraid to shine. Okay, it's time to stop because I'm beginning to sound oh so horribly cliche.

Oh yea, I've got a couple pics from Satuday night to share. It was the two girls Cath(iey), me, Ron and a shitload of Cathie's friends and family. It was an actual movie-party. Remember that scene from Weird Science where he's introducing Lisa to his obviously shock stricken parents? They're like, "Where are you two going this evening?" and they simultaneously answer with, "We're going to a ______." and he says "movie" and she says "pah-ty". And he's all, "It's a...a movieparty..." Yea. Hehe. My favorite line from that movie is still the part where Robert Downey is trying to order a drink all cool-like from the coo brutha bartender. I love the answer he gets, "I tell you what, you ben' ovuh, I shove it straight up yo' ASSSsss." And he's answers all nervous, "On the rocks is fine..." HAHAHA! Haha. Hah. My family, friends and Ron are so tired of that one. I do it alla time.

Anyway, that's what we did on Saturday night. Went to see Darkman, Cathie's favorite movie. It is silly, fun movie CHEEZ. She's a total movie lover and frequents the theater for her favorite, Midnight movies! She's such a little night owl still. I had to take a nap in order to make it 'til 3 am. How pathetic is that? Okay, I'm rambling. Here are the pics. I gotta get some shit done.


Me, Ron and Cathy.


Me and the birthday girl, Cathie.

Awww...

M'kay, later...

She cancelled! Yaaay!

She's sick, the poor dear. She's been kinda under the weather all week and the symptoms got worse as the evening came. It used to happen to me... Come to think of it, I haven't had a true cold in a long time. I think it's been a few years at least. I never get sick... *knock on wood* I think it's the regular exercise. It may not be intense, but it is routine and that's probably doing wonders for my immune system. Yea. So I'm thrilled that I don't have to flake outta exercise tonight! Woo! Now I can drink wine, eat a yummy Gnocchi dinner and follow it with some cHoCoLaTe. Mmmmmm...fanny-head got me some yummies. Thank you, fanny-head.

I'm reading a new diary again. Haven't taken the time to get into one in a while. It makes me feel so much better to know that there are people out there who suffer with the same things I do. Relating to others is a good way to figure out your own shit. What was I just writing about? My fears? Check out this little blurb from my newest read, Bunny Suit:

"I was all set to give my two weeks notice today. I need to just quit, to start working temp jobs and look for a new job online in the other town. But I am so afraid. I think I am trying to get fired by default, so that I don't have to make the decision to leave. My entire family is passive/agressive, so I guess that is the only way that I know to deal w/things.

You know what really sucks? Being crazy and self-actualized at the same time. There is nothing worse than knowing that you're insane, knowing that your lunacy is showing like a hint of white slip sticking out of a virgin's summer dress. Everyone kinda tries not to look, but they really want to, it is their nature. And no matter how the innocent tugs at that dress, trying to cover it, the SLIP STILL SHOWS."

This is EXACTLY how I feel. We anxious depressies have so much in common. Anxiety leads to depression. It's a vicious cycle. And it is genetic. It doesn't manifest itself until later in life...usually AFTER you've bred like you're 'supposed' to. I would hate to inflict this torture on another person. I would hate to watch that person suffer.

As I sit here typing, Pickles and Punkin' have flown over to do their little birdie burbles in my ear. Stanley man has finally decided to curl up on the pillow next to me, instead of trying to lay down on the laptop. I'm so thankful for my pets. They have helped me through some terrible times. A blessed distraction. Oooh, I have a poop distraction to take care of. Time to put on my poop shirt.

The ugly side of me

That last post sure showed it, huh. I'm just working out these issues, I'll get over it. I'm very angry and defensive right now because I've made a choice that isn't common. But I don't have to be angry about it, that's the thing. I'm making it negative when it is really positive...for me. It's the right choice for me. No biggie. I don't have to give in to the urge to yell it from the mountains. I can simply take my path and shut the hell up. Well, I don't have to shut up all the way. It's okay to vent a little of the frustration out.

Work is sucking the juicy ass cheese right now. I don't wanna be there. The dynamic I've created between my boss and I is so unhealthy. She is nice in her own way, but I can't stand her personality anymore. One minute I'm cursing her in the closet and the next I'm kissing her little brown feet. I don't want to hurt her, I just wanna move on now. Why did I have to choose such a horrible time to finally get going and start looking for another job? Whine whine whine. Everyone is going through this right now. I feel so worthless...I know what I have to do and I'm letting fear take over like always! Just believe that it will all work out and it will. Believe in myself and my abilities. This has become a chant...

Don't feel scared
Don't feel crappy
Believe in yourself
And you'll be happy

Yes. That's it.

Melanie's coming over and we were gonna take a walk. I really don't feel like it. I've gone for walks all week. I actually went for a jog or walk Monday through Thursday. I don' WANNA go. But I always do this flaking on the walk thing with her. We don't do exercise together well. We always end up drinking some wine, making dinner, smokin' cigs and talking. We'll see what happens...maybe I should pretend to be asleep when she gets here. Right. I'm such a fluff. I'ma go feed the lil' kiddy katz some whett fooood!

What day is this?

Ahh...  So much to do, so little desire to do anything.  I'm at home today, no temp jobs for me yesterday either.  Although I did get a call about a potential position.  Not gonna talk about it or get my panties in a knot over it, just gonna let things happen.  

This is about the time depression seeps in.  Yesterday I combatted it by going for a long jog and going to a friend's house.  Today doesn't feel so...uhm...productive.  I did get up and make Ron a nice breakfast.  It's been nice seeing each other awake during the week for a change.  Now he's at work and I have nothing but time to do all sorts of things like vacuuming (my favorite!), cleaning out the bedroom closet, going for another long jog/walk (I might bring myself to a little later) and of course, drawing!  Yes, I was feeling so very inspired after my therapist appointment last week.  Where the hell did it go?  I don't even have the urge to doodle.  But here I am, typing away in a pointless blog.  Wait.  This isn't pointless.  Is it?  No...no...  At least I'm doing SOMEthing.

And now for a hilarious, distasteful poem about my favorite subject...

Bulging stomach, stretchy skins
Babies born with dorsal fins
Drunk teens, anal tears
Pregnant women falling down stairs
Your mom is drunk and loose!
Eat my pill or eat my gat
Ill slap you with my golden strap
Filthy sex drunken stupor
should have jazzed in her pooper
Pregnancy is an STD!
Drinkin' Gin and blackin' out
suckin' clit that tastes like trout
Ludes and Acid Triamenic,
rides to the abortion clinic
You were an accident!
I got a cure for this disease,
Say 'kick me in the stomach please'
All you want now is my cash!
Because I slipped a load in your monster gash!
Pregnancy is an STD!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!  Yea.  I know...I have issues.  Heh.

Progress and whatnot

This week is going pretty well, as did last week. I'm looking very forward to my therapist appointment tonight. I figure I'll go a few times a month, Ron is helping me out with the finances. He's also gonna go in for a visit in a few weeks. It's taken so long to get him in because of his schedule, it's gotta be a Saturday and the doctor isn't in on all Saturdays.

So, we've been working on things. He is trying, I can give him that. I need to do my part as well. The therapist is helping me with my response to Ron. I'm trying to do some of that 'cognitive behavioral therapy'. I need to train myself not to freak out all the time, as it's driving Ron nuts and I don't blame him. And of course I've changed since we married...he told me I seemed so confident and happy when he met me. He sees how I've lost that happy go lucky belief in myself. I told him I have because I feel beat down by the world...at work and by him. Of course there's lots more in this tangled web of working things out. Gotta keep on trying it one day at a time. Hey, at least we seem to agree on the kid thing now. He seems to be accepting it, especially after I made it clear to him that it wasn't going to happen anytime soon. He responded that he was too old (39) anyway and didn't want to start this late. I'm happy to hear this however, I still worry about future resentment. I guess we'll just have to see if he likes having a Hot Rod better than a snotnose. That'll probably happen around the time our circle of friends start having teens around, if we make it that long.

Other than that, I'm broke. Ah yes, 25 hours a week sure sucks! To think, I was almost making a decent living on my own. So I have to continue looking for another job, either part time or full, whatever comes along. I've signed up for the old temp agency I used to work for, just as a supplement. I'm going to sign up for another one next week. They can probably get me some interviews for a full time perm position...eventually. But I can't leave it all up to them, gotta put out other feelers. I hate this. I feel like I'm never going to find my place in the working world, that I'm always going to be scraping by in a job I don't like. I'm going to work on that with the therapist, too. I can't do what I need to do in life if I'm always just shy of completely fucking broke.

So I don't feel completely worthless, I finally colored my lovely Dog Poo Cone picture. I think I'm going to enter it in a contest my lovely friend Cathy told me about. Hehehe...lookit...



Yummy! However, I think I might be the only one who would wear that on a t-shirt. Heh...

And here is a great shot of Stanley, taken as he enjoys the new kitty tower.



We got the thing about a month ago and they both love it so much. It's about 8 feet tall. Of course Stanley is king, whenever he is up there Henry has no chance. But whenever Stan is with me on the couch, Henry is up there snoozin'.

Here's a nice shot of me, my nostrils and the birdies just hanging out watchin' tv together.



Ron had to take this shot, he always loves to see me happy with my pets. He thinks it's so cute. In' 'nat lovely? Yea, he does say and do nice things, I tend to concentrate on the bad a lot. Okay, I have to get ready to go for a walk. I need to exercise at least a little.

Later!

Crap, I'm locked out!

Hey, Razorvixen? Uhm...yea, could you email me please? I used to enjoy reading your blog and now when it starts to get interesting I'm locked out. That sucks. What about meeee?? Heh...

In other news, life goes on as usual. I realized that I must have had the world's worst case of PMS last week. I notice this pattern of emotional insanity happens every month. The week before my scheduled...ahem...period... *cough* ...I turn into a psycho. The pit of despair in my gut grows huge, EVERYthing bothers me, I get a HUGE zit on my cheek or chin that involves at least 4 pores, the world seems to be closing in on me... Then old Aunt Flo shows up and I feel much better. I sure hope it gets better now that I've gotten off the pill. Do you think it'll get worse before it gets better? I certainly hope not. Oh, and thanks for the interesting points, makes me feel a little better about being on the thing for so long. I just hope I don't have any problems with this thing and with the fact that there will no longer be hormones pulsing through me. What if I grow a beard? What if my nice curly hair turns to barbed-wire? What if my acne comes back ten fold?! EEEEK!

There I go again, worrying... It's what I do best! Hey, maybe I can get a job as a professional worrier. Just dump your load on my shoulders and I'll worry about it for you! No problem is too small, throw it at me! And, most importantly, pay me big bucks!!!

Nothing much else new. I'm sore as hell today, due to the fact that I haven't exercised in a few weeks again. Thought I'd try to make up for it by cramming it in yesterday and Monday. I did some kick boxing exercises with Melanie on Monday night, lots of fun. Then I went jogging and did some more kick boxing moves yesterday. Today is ouch city. I can't climb down stairs without limping and forget about sitting without falling (sorry toilet seat). I swear, I stretched! Apparently it wasn't nearly enough.

Ah yes, I finally did upload a few pictures from our lovely Tahoe trip. Better late than never!


We always like to start with the pretty view outside our window. In't that nice?


The resort from the front. It was a nice, cozy place as expected.


Just down this short road was the place we were to snow board. Ron went without me, as I mentioned before, too expensive to just fall on my ass all day.

Here are some nice shots from Ron's day on the hill:










It was a looooooooooooong run... Hehehe!


We had a nice hot tub in our room. I made sure to go 'swimming' in it first thing...


The usual shot of me doing my hair.


Being dorks in our room 'cause we can.


We took a hike one day and took this the following lovely shots...






I'm making my very first snow angel with my FULL set of snow clothes! Wow, no soggy undies this time!


Isn't that sumpthin'?


We need this pose in there, of course.


Ron pretending to pee. Nice, honey.


Oh lookies! I'm walkin' in thu snowz!


Had to go to the local pub for a beer after our hike. Yea.


Heh... Yea. It's a perdy place. We shall go back some day soon.

That's it for now!

Closed for Business - TMI but I'm onna write about it anyway...

It's been done, partially anyway. I went in on Friday to have my IUD put in place. A very simple procedure for now. It's supposed to last 10 years, so I'm gonna keep it in 'til I'm ready for a tubal. I got so tired of taking the stupid pill. It's going on 13 years I've been on it and that can't be good for my body. Time to break free from the pill! That lame, irritating commercial comes to mind... You know the one with the synchronized swimmers? "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, every daayyyy..." Not anymore! Yaay! I'm honestly not ready for the big snip yet. Call me chicken. I'm planning on doing it at 35 or so. Before that, I'd really like to get laser surgery on my eyes. Glasses are another thing I'm fed up with.

Other than that, not much else going on...thankfully. Last week was another difficult week, but we made it through. Now I'm just trying to relax because things could be much worse. I'm trying not to worry about work, as my hours are still cut in half. She tried to let us go back to normal for a while, but things just keep slowing down. It's time to start looking for a part time job for now. That's less intimidating than finding another full time one. I don't want to work at another company I don't like.

Back to work... Dammit, I keep forgetting to upload those damn pictures from my other 'puter! I'll get to it. Eventually. For now I'm going to concentrate on having a better week. Later!

HAH!

I remember THIS one!

There once was a woman named Jill
Who tried a dynamite stick for a thrill
They found her vagina
in North Carolina
and bits of her tits in Brazil

Fumbling in the Darkness

Things are okay. Some days are better than others. I can't help but feel I'm making terrible mistakes. I went to my parents house this past weekend, just to get away again. They miss me horribly because I've kind of been pulling away from the family lately. This visit was for my dad's birthday and Ron was purposely uninvited. I think I've gone and told my parents too much. I'm betraying my husband. But he could have come, all he had to do was ask. All he had to do was act interested. Oh, but he thought it would be 'far away' at my parents or brother and SIL. He didn't know he wouldn't have to drive to my family. Instead, he waited until I got home to tell me that he felt bad.

I'm trying, but I'm drowning in a sea of unhappiness with my choice. It's all my fault that I can't talk to my husband. I let it get this way. I gave him the wrong idea. I made him think that who he is is okay with me. It's not. I'm not doing this right at all. Oh wait, I'm seeing a therapist. That's right. And I'm going again tonight. I don't know how I'm gonna afford this, but I need it. I'm still so mad at Ron. We got in another fight this morning because neither of us wants to do what the other wants. This isn't a marriage, this is a fucking joke. Our fight this morning ended with him telling me to 'go ahead and file the papers'. Wow. He doesn't even think I'm trying. But I don't think he is, either. This is rediculous. This is not how it's supposed to be.

The state of my life makes me think of some favorite lyrics...

"Darkness makes me fumble...

...for a key...

...to a door...

That's WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide open!"

Emotional turmoil subsiding

Again, I have so much to say and so little motivation to write. Here's a quick rundown...

~I've found a therapist that couldn't be more perfect for me. He's an older gentleman, in his 50's, single with no children and he owns a bird! I got a very good feeling from our first meeting and will be seeing him again this Thursday.

~I finally had a chance to see my lovely astrologist friend, Lucy. I'd done some illustration work for her years back, she's the only one who has actually paid me for my work. I'm still driving the car she helped me buy. I'd originally met her at the restaurant I worked at 12 years ago. She's still around and has another illustration idea for me. I had her over one night last week to do my chart, as she'd done ten years ago. A little peek at my place in the universe type thing. Not something I base my entire belief system on, but something that's very interesting and usually pretty damn spot on. It was great catching up with her and getting a new perspective of my life at the same time.

~That friend Kim I've complained about on here...the one who never had time for me because she was building her business. Well, I finally grew up and got over it, we've managed to keep in touch a little more again. I was thrilled to get the opportunity to visit her this past weekend, as it had been three years since I'd last seen her. Aaahh...so nice to be able to get out of town for an overnight visit, which was only a little over 2 hours away. She's the one I'd met at a temp job about 8 years ago and we became fast animal friends. She was fascinated with my birds and fish and I was captured by her gorgeous horses and dogs. She's finally got her dream ranch in the works, boarding and training horses. One and a half days is not nearly enough to do all that we enjoy... Riding, feeding the horses, playing with the dogs, watching movies, listening to music, going to the local pet/fish store, drinking beer... I also brought Toby along this time. I always bring one or two of my flock for a travel weekend. She'd never met little Tobe, only Pickles...oh, and Leonard the half moon conure, back when I had her. So it was great fun.

~Ron and I actually had a nice heart to heart talk yesterday morning. I've officially started the 'working on it, let's see where this leads' phase. I think I'm getting a message across. Last Friday, after meeting with a new therapist and seeing what the stars have to say the night before, I was little excited and gung-ho about divorcing. That's a typical response. Now that I've calmed down a bit, I realize there must be more to this strategy. I'm not ready to run just yet. Gotta work on things more.

That's about it. I do have those lovely Tahoe pics, just have to upload them because they're on my OTHER computer. I keep forgetting. For now I'll leave you with my latest series, done for my boss' bathrooms. This time I decided to make them smaller on here, so they're not hidden behind all my damn archives. Speaking of that, anyone know how to organize archives on blogger? I'd like to smoosh 'em up into years. Thanks...

Anyway, hurray for me! I finished something again!

I guess you'll do...

I fucking LOVE IT

Was that a vacation?

I almost missed it the damn thing flew by so fast! But it was a very nice, relaxing vacation indeed. Until we got home, of course. It only took a day and a half for the shit to hit the fan again. I know, I know...I'm trying to do something about it, I really am. It just takes a bit of adjustment to realize that your marriage is going to hell. I'm the only one who thinks that, by the way. You know, 'cause I'm the crazy one with all the issues. He's just fine, dandy and normal and I just have to learn to live with it. That's not gonna happen. Calling the counselor's office first thing tomorrow, as they're not open today. Gotta at least try to make him see what he refuses to see.

I'll be back with pics from our trip. We got some beautiful pics...

Avocado Ice Creammmmmmmmmm

I can't do this losing weight thing...it...it just isn't in my power right now. I am WEAK, I tell you...WEAK! My officemate loves food and adores cooking. She's always bringing in yummy things for us to try. This morning she brought in some avocados and brown sugar to make some ice cream. Yes. Avocado Ice cream. It's deeeeeelicious and so very easy to make!

~1 Ripe avocado
~1/3 cup milk
~1/4 cup crushed ice
~1 tablespoon brown sugar

Cube the avocado into a cup. Add milk, ice and sugar and mix it all up until mostly smooth. There will be little lumps of ice and avocado, but it just makes it better chunky, in my opinion. Then place the mixture in the freezer for about 1/2 hour. Stir it up once more before you enjoy. So so so sooooo yummy. Did I mention how delicious and yummy it is?

Oh yes, and I've got good news and bad news...

The good news is that I think I've found a counselor for Ron and I. He and his woman partner work with couples separately at first, and then together, with all four people in the room. Melanie found him.

That's where the bad news comes in. Melanie found him because the bottom is falling out of her relationship. She's moved out and is currently at an extended stay hotel. Poor dear, but we both knew this was coming. Wanna know how she found this great counselor? One of her coworkers had a tragedy. One afternoon she gets a frantic call from her husband saying that he'd just found their 23 year old daughter DEAD in her bed. Hysterics ensue...workplace emotional counselor is called.

It's been a very difficult six months or so for both Melanie and I. We've both had our share of work and relationship problems. I visited her last night so she could catch me up on the sordid details of the last two weeks of her life. Not good at all. Turns out she's most likely going to be laid off in the next 4 to 6 months as well. Poor, poor dear. But hey, that's what friends are for. She's always been there for me and I will always be there for her. We will help each other through this. I am so thankful for friends like her.

When we get back from vacation, I am making an appointment with this counselor. I don't give a shit what it costs, it is IMPERATIVE that we get in there...and I mean WE.

Now ya gotta check this shit out... HAHAHAHA!!! I LOVE IT!

M'kay, now I need to go take an aspirin for this SCREAMING headache.

Later...

Hot Koala

Apparently it's hotter than hell in Australia right now. This little guy wandered into someone's back yard looking for comfort and shade. Lady pulled out a water tup and viola...instant Koala Kool. Isn't that just so cute? Not to mention completely unnatural and more proof of man's continued fucking up of this planet? Yea.


I love the first picture. "Look while you can, my precious children, this amazing creature will probably go extinct during your lifetime."


So, it's another Tuesday. Ah, but this is the Tuesday before my week of vacation. I'm going to get nine full days OFF in a ROW! Isn't that wonderful?! I haven't had that long of a vacation in almost two years! And I'm actually going to get paid for it! Seriously, I'm counting my blessings. Business is doing okay, our little sales incentive has put some fire under a few asses. There is hope for survival. For now...


We leave for Tahoe on Sunday, which is nice. I'm probably going to spend only one day on the slopes working on my nonexistant snowboarding skills. Who knows, I might actually start to do well and want to go for a second day. All I know is that I'm going to have to spend at least two days hiking and enjoying nature. I'm looking very forward to that. Maybe I'll be able to get some pretty photos to post. We'll be sure to bring our precious camera.


As for this past weekend, it was pretty good as far as weekends with the husband go. We were invited to two Super Bowl parties and attending exactly neither of them. Ron is never really in the social mood and I had things going on with cleaning as usual. I'd gotten up early to do laundry, I wanted to get all the throw rugs and couch blankets clean. Then there were the bird cages to spray down. This freaky hot ass weather every other week is confusing the shit out of my poor birdies. Pickles has started 'feeding' his boingy rope again. Tasty, crusty birdie barf all over the ropes and cage bars. Yes, someone is horny again... I want the rain back so badly. This weather pattern sucks.


Okay, it's back to plugging away at sales. Later!

Blue skies

...and cute bunnies. I made another cute picture today while I was working on a sale coupon for the company. Yes, we are trying to actually market our products, something we haven't been seriously doing for the past several months. Only about a quarter of our target clients even know about our website, as we used to do all sales through catalogs. Ah, but of course catalogs are way too expensive to produce now. Thanks to a great camera and photoshop, we've been able to put together a pretty damn nice website. Anyway, here's the damn picture...



It makes me feel good when I draw somethin'. Yea. I can always use more practice with making shadows. Of course there are billions of little fucks being churned out of colleges right now who can work wonders in Photoshop and many other graphics programs. Well, what I know I taught myself...SO THERE. Fuck school. HAH!

On that sour note, thanks so much...again...for your kind words, my few but very lovely readers. I know I'm in serious need of counseling again. It's just finding the right one. I think Ron needs to see one more than I do, actually. He needs someone else to tell him what he thinks he already knows. He doesn't fucking know, that's for absolute SURE. This is where our different backrounds have become a problem. When you're trying to confide in your husband and get some comfort, you don't want to hear that he's been through so much more/worse than you'll ever know. You don't want shit rubbed into your wounds. You want COMFORT and UNDERSTANDING. Sorry to disappoint you, dear, BUT I NEED A LOT OF THOSE THINGS.

Anyway, I know the meds aren't going to help by themselves. I just need to find someone... I will, I will... For now it's just plodding along one day at a time.

Have a wonderful weekend. I'm off to lala land.

What's happening to the world?

Is it closing in on us? Will we survive? What's to say of our future? Can I GET any more anxious?

I'm feeling the 'effects' yo. I'm not liking it. As the economy continues to close in on itself, money is scarce and a new job seems even further away on the horizon. I'm certainly not the only one. So many millions of people are losing their jobs! Even poor Melanie is going to be laid off in a few months and I thought she had it made where she was. I don't know what else to say. I can't keep complaining about the way things are. It just keeps getting worse. I guess it has to do that before it can get better, but complaining and worrying doesn't help. I'll just keep telling myself this in my head and on this blog because that's what I always do. Then I'll continue to feel the underlying depression that I keep trying to push down.

Speaking of my lovely affliction, I've switched from the dreaded Paxil to another generic happy pill. I must continue to screw up my brain and keep it addicted to drugs. This new little helper will hopefully make me feel better so that I can once again bid farewell to old Mr. Depression and Mrs. Anxiety. Poor me, boo-hoo...dependent on a pill for emotional survival. I'm feeling pretty pathetic right about now. This is how I choose to deal with it for the time being. I'm disappointed in myself...

Besides old relationship and work woes, I've had a small disaster in my beautiful corner of the ocean.

*sigh*

I knew things couldn't be great forever. You see, I purchased a lovely new coral a few weeks ago... A torch coral that has these pretty bright green tenticles (no, not testicles...hehe) flowing from its center. Well, I didn't know that these tenticles should not touch other corals in the tank too much, or they will get sick and die. I had to find this out the hard way, of course. On Saturday afternoon I noticed my new coral was shrinking into its hardened stalk and this brown slime was collecting on the withdrawn flesh. I didn't know the thing was literally rotting from the inside out, I thought it would get over whatever the affliction was and regenerate. It wasn't until Sunday evening that I decided to remove it, as the "slime" kept collecting on the dying coral and was being spread around the tank by the current. Other corals were "eating" the slime when it settled on them and it was awful to see the damage that stuff did. So I made sure to do an extra large water change and get all that crap outta there. I'm so upset that I not only lost my new coral, but had my existing little garden damaged as well.

Ah yes, and I think I have another predator crab living in the rocks. That's why my new fish keep disappearing. So far, the only thing that's survived from Ron's Christmas gift is one, tiny coral. Almost $100 down the fucking drain. Unfortunately, I'm not rich enough to keep up a reef tank of this magnitude. It's going to have to be more plain and simple now. Good thing I bought the more expensive equipment when I could afford it.

That's about all that's going on at the moment. I'm gonna go eat some lunch and get back to work...while I still have it.

I want this bird...

So badly...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q_cllc4cODI

It's just so sweet when he's cuddlin'. I love it...

Well wishes and weekends

Hi on another Friday... Thanks for your well wishes. It helps because I know you guys understand how awful depression can be. I'm hanging in there and trying to think about the things I enjoy. Trying... It doesn't help that I have this giant chord of a knot running from the base of my neck to just above my butt. It pulls and hurts like a bitch. I just want to lay down in the street and let a steam roller take care of it. I'm going to do my best to relax over the weekend...without too much alcohol once again.

This is happening to me...

"...if you've been on drugs for two or more years and you still have depressive fits, there is one of two possibilities:

1) Your brain chemistry is eternally fucked, and you are at the absolute mercy of your synapses and the corrosion they pump out.

2) You're fucking up your life in some subtle way, and the drugs have enabled you to continue that lifestyle, acting as a cushion to keep you artificially happy when everything in your life is screaming, This is wrong, this is wrong, this is wrong.

One of those answers leads into a spiral of helplessness. The other puts you in a place that you can fix.

The choice is up to you."

Read these words on a bloggers entry about getting off of Paxil. This is happening to me. I can't let it. I can't, but I am... I'm so scared. I can't go on being afraid of life. I feel like I'm messing up big time. The cushion is gone, the cracks are huge. All I want to do is escape.

A lovely poem

"They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats
Man hands on misery to man.

It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.

Philip Larkin (1922-1985)"

It's not fair to place ALL the blame on the parents, but they sure do fan those developmental flames.