Emotional turmoil subsiding

Again, I have so much to say and so little motivation to write. Here's a quick rundown...

~I've found a therapist that couldn't be more perfect for me. He's an older gentleman, in his 50's, single with no children and he owns a bird! I got a very good feeling from our first meeting and will be seeing him again this Thursday.

~I finally had a chance to see my lovely astrologist friend, Lucy. I'd done some illustration work for her years back, she's the only one who has actually paid me for my work. I'm still driving the car she helped me buy. I'd originally met her at the restaurant I worked at 12 years ago. She's still around and has another illustration idea for me. I had her over one night last week to do my chart, as she'd done ten years ago. A little peek at my place in the universe type thing. Not something I base my entire belief system on, but something that's very interesting and usually pretty damn spot on. It was great catching up with her and getting a new perspective of my life at the same time.

~That friend Kim I've complained about on here...the one who never had time for me because she was building her business. Well, I finally grew up and got over it, we've managed to keep in touch a little more again. I was thrilled to get the opportunity to visit her this past weekend, as it had been three years since I'd last seen her. Aaahh...so nice to be able to get out of town for an overnight visit, which was only a little over 2 hours away. She's the one I'd met at a temp job about 8 years ago and we became fast animal friends. She was fascinated with my birds and fish and I was captured by her gorgeous horses and dogs. She's finally got her dream ranch in the works, boarding and training horses. One and a half days is not nearly enough to do all that we enjoy... Riding, feeding the horses, playing with the dogs, watching movies, listening to music, going to the local pet/fish store, drinking beer... I also brought Toby along this time. I always bring one or two of my flock for a travel weekend. She'd never met little Tobe, only Pickles...oh, and Leonard the half moon conure, back when I had her. So it was great fun.

~Ron and I actually had a nice heart to heart talk yesterday morning. I've officially started the 'working on it, let's see where this leads' phase. I think I'm getting a message across. Last Friday, after meeting with a new therapist and seeing what the stars have to say the night before, I was little excited and gung-ho about divorcing. That's a typical response. Now that I've calmed down a bit, I realize there must be more to this strategy. I'm not ready to run just yet. Gotta work on things more.

That's about it. I do have those lovely Tahoe pics, just have to upload them because they're on my OTHER computer. I keep forgetting. For now I'll leave you with my latest series, done for my boss' bathrooms. This time I decided to make them smaller on here, so they're not hidden behind all my damn archives. Speaking of that, anyone know how to organize archives on blogger? I'd like to smoosh 'em up into years. Thanks...

Anyway, hurray for me! I finished something again!

I guess you'll do...

I fucking LOVE IT

Was that a vacation?

I almost missed it the damn thing flew by so fast! But it was a very nice, relaxing vacation indeed. Until we got home, of course. It only took a day and a half for the shit to hit the fan again. I know, I know...I'm trying to do something about it, I really am. It just takes a bit of adjustment to realize that your marriage is going to hell. I'm the only one who thinks that, by the way. You know, 'cause I'm the crazy one with all the issues. He's just fine, dandy and normal and I just have to learn to live with it. That's not gonna happen. Calling the counselor's office first thing tomorrow, as they're not open today. Gotta at least try to make him see what he refuses to see.

I'll be back with pics from our trip. We got some beautiful pics...

Avocado Ice Creammmmmmmmmm

I can't do this losing weight thing...it...it just isn't in my power right now. I am WEAK, I tell you...WEAK! My officemate loves food and adores cooking. She's always bringing in yummy things for us to try. This morning she brought in some avocados and brown sugar to make some ice cream. Yes. Avocado Ice cream. It's deeeeeelicious and so very easy to make!

~1 Ripe avocado
~1/3 cup milk
~1/4 cup crushed ice
~1 tablespoon brown sugar

Cube the avocado into a cup. Add milk, ice and sugar and mix it all up until mostly smooth. There will be little lumps of ice and avocado, but it just makes it better chunky, in my opinion. Then place the mixture in the freezer for about 1/2 hour. Stir it up once more before you enjoy. So so so sooooo yummy. Did I mention how delicious and yummy it is?

Oh yes, and I've got good news and bad news...

The good news is that I think I've found a counselor for Ron and I. He and his woman partner work with couples separately at first, and then together, with all four people in the room. Melanie found him.

That's where the bad news comes in. Melanie found him because the bottom is falling out of her relationship. She's moved out and is currently at an extended stay hotel. Poor dear, but we both knew this was coming. Wanna know how she found this great counselor? One of her coworkers had a tragedy. One afternoon she gets a frantic call from her husband saying that he'd just found their 23 year old daughter DEAD in her bed. Hysterics ensue...workplace emotional counselor is called.

It's been a very difficult six months or so for both Melanie and I. We've both had our share of work and relationship problems. I visited her last night so she could catch me up on the sordid details of the last two weeks of her life. Not good at all. Turns out she's most likely going to be laid off in the next 4 to 6 months as well. Poor, poor dear. But hey, that's what friends are for. She's always been there for me and I will always be there for her. We will help each other through this. I am so thankful for friends like her.

When we get back from vacation, I am making an appointment with this counselor. I don't give a shit what it costs, it is IMPERATIVE that we get in there...and I mean WE.

Now ya gotta check this shit out... HAHAHAHA!!! I LOVE IT!

M'kay, now I need to go take an aspirin for this SCREAMING headache.

Later...

Hot Koala

Apparently it's hotter than hell in Australia right now. This little guy wandered into someone's back yard looking for comfort and shade. Lady pulled out a water tup and viola...instant Koala Kool. Isn't that just so cute? Not to mention completely unnatural and more proof of man's continued fucking up of this planet? Yea.


I love the first picture. "Look while you can, my precious children, this amazing creature will probably go extinct during your lifetime."


So, it's another Tuesday. Ah, but this is the Tuesday before my week of vacation. I'm going to get nine full days OFF in a ROW! Isn't that wonderful?! I haven't had that long of a vacation in almost two years! And I'm actually going to get paid for it! Seriously, I'm counting my blessings. Business is doing okay, our little sales incentive has put some fire under a few asses. There is hope for survival. For now...


We leave for Tahoe on Sunday, which is nice. I'm probably going to spend only one day on the slopes working on my nonexistant snowboarding skills. Who knows, I might actually start to do well and want to go for a second day. All I know is that I'm going to have to spend at least two days hiking and enjoying nature. I'm looking very forward to that. Maybe I'll be able to get some pretty photos to post. We'll be sure to bring our precious camera.


As for this past weekend, it was pretty good as far as weekends with the husband go. We were invited to two Super Bowl parties and attending exactly neither of them. Ron is never really in the social mood and I had things going on with cleaning as usual. I'd gotten up early to do laundry, I wanted to get all the throw rugs and couch blankets clean. Then there were the bird cages to spray down. This freaky hot ass weather every other week is confusing the shit out of my poor birdies. Pickles has started 'feeding' his boingy rope again. Tasty, crusty birdie barf all over the ropes and cage bars. Yes, someone is horny again... I want the rain back so badly. This weather pattern sucks.


Okay, it's back to plugging away at sales. Later!

Blue skies

...and cute bunnies. I made another cute picture today while I was working on a sale coupon for the company. Yes, we are trying to actually market our products, something we haven't been seriously doing for the past several months. Only about a quarter of our target clients even know about our website, as we used to do all sales through catalogs. Ah, but of course catalogs are way too expensive to produce now. Thanks to a great camera and photoshop, we've been able to put together a pretty damn nice website. Anyway, here's the damn picture...



It makes me feel good when I draw somethin'. Yea. I can always use more practice with making shadows. Of course there are billions of little fucks being churned out of colleges right now who can work wonders in Photoshop and many other graphics programs. Well, what I know I taught myself...SO THERE. Fuck school. HAH!

On that sour note, thanks so much...again...for your kind words, my few but very lovely readers. I know I'm in serious need of counseling again. It's just finding the right one. I think Ron needs to see one more than I do, actually. He needs someone else to tell him what he thinks he already knows. He doesn't fucking know, that's for absolute SURE. This is where our different backrounds have become a problem. When you're trying to confide in your husband and get some comfort, you don't want to hear that he's been through so much more/worse than you'll ever know. You don't want shit rubbed into your wounds. You want COMFORT and UNDERSTANDING. Sorry to disappoint you, dear, BUT I NEED A LOT OF THOSE THINGS.

Anyway, I know the meds aren't going to help by themselves. I just need to find someone... I will, I will... For now it's just plodding along one day at a time.

Have a wonderful weekend. I'm off to lala land.

What's happening to the world?

Is it closing in on us? Will we survive? What's to say of our future? Can I GET any more anxious?

I'm feeling the 'effects' yo. I'm not liking it. As the economy continues to close in on itself, money is scarce and a new job seems even further away on the horizon. I'm certainly not the only one. So many millions of people are losing their jobs! Even poor Melanie is going to be laid off in a few months and I thought she had it made where she was. I don't know what else to say. I can't keep complaining about the way things are. It just keeps getting worse. I guess it has to do that before it can get better, but complaining and worrying doesn't help. I'll just keep telling myself this in my head and on this blog because that's what I always do. Then I'll continue to feel the underlying depression that I keep trying to push down.

Speaking of my lovely affliction, I've switched from the dreaded Paxil to another generic happy pill. I must continue to screw up my brain and keep it addicted to drugs. This new little helper will hopefully make me feel better so that I can once again bid farewell to old Mr. Depression and Mrs. Anxiety. Poor me, boo-hoo...dependent on a pill for emotional survival. I'm feeling pretty pathetic right about now. This is how I choose to deal with it for the time being. I'm disappointed in myself...

Besides old relationship and work woes, I've had a small disaster in my beautiful corner of the ocean.

*sigh*

I knew things couldn't be great forever. You see, I purchased a lovely new coral a few weeks ago... A torch coral that has these pretty bright green tenticles (no, not testicles...hehe) flowing from its center. Well, I didn't know that these tenticles should not touch other corals in the tank too much, or they will get sick and die. I had to find this out the hard way, of course. On Saturday afternoon I noticed my new coral was shrinking into its hardened stalk and this brown slime was collecting on the withdrawn flesh. I didn't know the thing was literally rotting from the inside out, I thought it would get over whatever the affliction was and regenerate. It wasn't until Sunday evening that I decided to remove it, as the "slime" kept collecting on the dying coral and was being spread around the tank by the current. Other corals were "eating" the slime when it settled on them and it was awful to see the damage that stuff did. So I made sure to do an extra large water change and get all that crap outta there. I'm so upset that I not only lost my new coral, but had my existing little garden damaged as well.

Ah yes, and I think I have another predator crab living in the rocks. That's why my new fish keep disappearing. So far, the only thing that's survived from Ron's Christmas gift is one, tiny coral. Almost $100 down the fucking drain. Unfortunately, I'm not rich enough to keep up a reef tank of this magnitude. It's going to have to be more plain and simple now. Good thing I bought the more expensive equipment when I could afford it.

That's about all that's going on at the moment. I'm gonna go eat some lunch and get back to work...while I still have it.

I want this bird...

So badly...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q_cllc4cODI

It's just so sweet when he's cuddlin'. I love it...

Well wishes and weekends

Hi on another Friday... Thanks for your well wishes. It helps because I know you guys understand how awful depression can be. I'm hanging in there and trying to think about the things I enjoy. Trying... It doesn't help that I have this giant chord of a knot running from the base of my neck to just above my butt. It pulls and hurts like a bitch. I just want to lay down in the street and let a steam roller take care of it. I'm going to do my best to relax over the weekend...without too much alcohol once again.

This is happening to me...

"...if you've been on drugs for two or more years and you still have depressive fits, there is one of two possibilities:

1) Your brain chemistry is eternally fucked, and you are at the absolute mercy of your synapses and the corrosion they pump out.

2) You're fucking up your life in some subtle way, and the drugs have enabled you to continue that lifestyle, acting as a cushion to keep you artificially happy when everything in your life is screaming, This is wrong, this is wrong, this is wrong.

One of those answers leads into a spiral of helplessness. The other puts you in a place that you can fix.

The choice is up to you."

Read these words on a bloggers entry about getting off of Paxil. This is happening to me. I can't let it. I can't, but I am... I'm so scared. I can't go on being afraid of life. I feel like I'm messing up big time. The cushion is gone, the cracks are huge. All I want to do is escape.

A lovely poem

"They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats
Man hands on misery to man.

It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.

Philip Larkin (1922-1985)"

It's not fair to place ALL the blame on the parents, but they sure do fan those developmental flames.

Some more phun with photobooth

I had an old friend over last week.  Here are the best shots from our little "session".  Gawd, computers are so damn fun!

Woops, the picture's kinda big...

Lemme push it down a bit with a bullshit entry.

BULLSHIT, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

Now can you see the picture below?

Now?


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How 'bout now?

Have you ever seen an elephant on the toilet?

Mr. Bunny reports... The Asian Elephant moved to Africa to take advantage of the superior plumbing.

Thank you...and your rather large stogie...Mr. Bunny.

Next we move to the jungle, where Big Yelluh Beerd an' pal have made themselves at home.



Yes, it's another day in paradise. What else is new? Nothing much. I will make it through another 8 hour day. I will jog this evening. I will try my best not to eat too much before I go to bed tonight. I will also try to work some more on the sketches I'm doing for my boss' bathrooms. May as well do artwork when I can. If she wants it, she's got it.

That reminds me of that stupid children's book project gone to hell... What's it been, like six months now? Four? I don't know...all I know is that we've never heard from that guy again. I'm so tempted to write him an email to tell him what a huge pussy, piece of shit, waste of time he is, but what would that accomplish? Exactly nothing. Gotta be the bigger person and move on. I'm still trying to get together with the colorist so we can try to collaborate on a story, but that doesn't seem to be happening very soon. We're still in touch, but she's been very busy. Especially since her daughter just had another baby.

I almost forgot, we're going to Lake Tahoe in a few weeks. I'm going to use up the last of my vacation days for the year. It's the last little distraction or us for the time being. Ron will get to snowboard in nice powder and I'll get to...well... Fall on my ass in nice powder. This will only be my fourth time on the hill. I went once last year and twice two years before that. Melanie, her boyfriend and her brother have gone several times over the last couple of years and I haven't joined them. I should so I can get the hang of it. It's so hard for me, I hope I start to get it in Tahoe.

What else...what else... I always just throw the entries together. Right off the top 'o my hay-ed. Oh yes, one of my favorite bloggers, Natalie Dee, who I am removing from my blog list after I post this, has had a baby. I hadn't looked at her webcomic in a while, as I'd gotten bored with it. I didn't realize it had been that long, until I saw her new pic on my shitspace. There she is in the classic pose with trophy baby on her lap. Why am I so surprised? Well, I remember one of the things I liked about her was that she didn't like kids and didn't want any... Supposedly... They had two adorable pugs. Ah, but things change, don't they! Of course they do. I dunno...I guess it's more proof that, "It's DIFFERENT when it's your oowwwwnnn..." Yea. Have fun, Natalie, I've completely lost interst in you now. Like it fucking matters, she's got sixty million readers and buyers of her art now. Me? Jealous? What gives you THAT idea? I'm just an unhappy, sarcastic bitch that always has to compare her loser self to everyone else. Another bad mental habit of mine, but who's counting?

Chugging along up that hill

Is today supposed to be a holiday? Yea? Right? Yea. I never get it off anymore so I don't remember. It's celebrating the life and works of...of who? Why, the MLK man of course. Cheers to him. I'm working for him, instead of taking the day off like alla rest of these lazy shits. HAHA! At least I'm working a full time week, instead of the part time hours I'd been forced to take over the past two weeks. So hey, at least I'm working and earning money. I'm thankful for that, especially right now.

Oh goody, I don't get the day off but our IT guy's office is closed today! It's been two weeks and we STILL cannot send outgoing emails. Our email server is in Poland... My boss is going nuts because I cannot fix this. It's driving me crazy!

Breathe... It'll be okay...

In other news, I've decided to quit drinking. No more drinking excessively while on antidepressants. And I wonder why I'm gaining weight and feeling horribly depressed all the time. Not to mention I can't make a good decision for the life of me. I've finally done some more reading on these chemicals I'm putting into my body. Gee, ya think maybe I should follow the directions on my prescription label? The ones that specifically say DO NOT CONSUME ALCOHOL WHILE TAKING THIS MEDICATION? Think that'll help? Maybe??

I gotta go work now. This internet at work has become such a bad habit for me. Must train myself to work. Work! WORK you!

Distractions - How 'bout some more pics?

Hi. I'm not feeling so hot again. Trying my best though.

This morning was another fight. We're not communicating and it's both our faults. Not just me, not just him...BOTH. It's difficult. I am trying to be positive and not implode like I've been prone to do over these past months. My boss is noticing and it's been affecting my performance at work.

Speaking of work, I have to take back all those horrible things I said about my boss. Erase, erase, erase... I am being unfair. I have to do my job. This is my lot in life, I chose it. I can get out if I really want to. But I am weak and scared right now. It's all I can do to continue on the sane path from day to day. Stop letting all this shit into my head. Day by day. I can make this one a good and productive one.

What was that I was saying about pics? Yes. Let's see the lovely things that distract us from our inability to really communicate, understand and respect each other...

Warning...there is no rhyme or reason to these shots. They're just fun. Let's start with the Meticalla trip to the beautiful town of Fresno, California...



The view outside our lovely little hotel room. There's my little beat up, red Honda in the parking lot. I love how the trees finally started turning. It only took until December!



More trees outside our room!



Lighting one of the many smokes of the night. This one was before the show, while we were still in our room...uhm..."preparing" to leave.



Here we are on the lawn outside the venue. I certainly look "prepared" to go into the concert here, don't I? Complete with gut sticking out, white bra showing through the black shirt and tossed look on my face. Yep, send me in babe.



What? You expected to see pictures of Metallica playing? HAHA! Heavens no, we weren't allowed cameras...even though I snuck ours in (literally in my panties, looked like I had a dong but I got in with it)...we didn't think of turning off the flash to get shots. No no. This one of me in bed after the show is much more revealing. I went to bed hungry that night, as all two fast food restaurants within our drunken reach were PACKED to the gills.



The next morning. Isn't this exciting?



The giant bird shit on my car. Had to get a shot of that as we were leaving. Such texture...



The long road home.



Far out, indeed...



Trailers for sale!



Oh, when the hell is all this "rain" they keep saying is coming gonna BE HERE already?!



Road trip! Yaay!

Are you ready for the fantastic shots from our Mike Patton concert experience in the city?



The view from our hotel room at the SF Hilton.



Another view, the following Friday. It got foggy goggy in Sanie Frannie. In' that somethin'?



The inside of our hotel room.

Yea. Those are pretty much it for our trip. That and the tickets we downloaded and printed. We got a shot of the sign outside the music hall on Ron's phone and I got a few grainy shots of Mike on mine. No camera, again, even though we had it with us for the trip. They were allowed in, just no flashes. I guess we just didn't want to deal with it getting ruined. Plus, the shots wouldn't have been much different from the jillions I've seen online. At least I've got the unique experience in my head. And I'll see Patton again...

Photographer I am not... But I'm working on it. Here, have another shot of the fish tank for good measure...



...and another...



...aaaaaaaaaaaaand one more...



I just love how this thing is turning out.

Anyway, that's it for now. I'll try to do better with the trip to Lake Tahoe in February. Yea, we're gonna do that for our vacation instead because we can't afford Hawaii right now. Shit, by the time I get to see that place it's going to be overrun by tourists and ruined. Oops, there I go again, be negative and bringing it onto myself. I must be happy with what I have and work with it. Work with it...

Later, ya'll.

Sleepy times

Wow...  I'm finding lots of fun pictures on the cameras.  We got a new camera, the other one was screwin' up.  I managed to download some pictures from the old camera and this was one of them.  Oftentimes I fall asleep on the couch.  Ron gets home from work to find me in various states of sleep and likes to make it a photo op.  

Stanley is also included in the fun...





Looking at these pictures just cracks me the hell up. Thanks, sweetie. I love it when you're feeling 'creative'.

Too much to say, too little time

This is kinda how my head feels as of late, so...so very scrambled. I have much to say, so little time to write it all out here. I will get to it though, I must. It's one way of organizing these thoughts. In short, work and marriage continue to be difficult. I've gained weight. My back is killing me... Feeling kinda lost. Oh, but that's just the usual. I have uploaded some pictures, don't have time to write out the story that goes with them just yet.

SOOoo... I'll leave you with this wonderful picture of my Stanley man. You see, I was cleaning the spider cage over the weekend and left the room for a minute to grab some plastic bags...

He just coudn't resist the Rosie food crickets hopping around in there! Of course Rosie was NOT in the tank at the time.

I was obviously laughing when I took this one. Ron comes in, "What's so fuh- OH MY GAWD..." I had to get a shot of his dirt "goatee". Tehehehehe! Cats!

Let me just say this...

Being only two rows back from the incredible Mike Patton had to be one of the greatest experiences I've had in my entire life. Seriously... Spending New Years Eve 2008 with my hubby at the Great American Music Hall in San Francisco is a night I won't soon forget. I'll be back with more details and maybe even a few pics of our trip to the city's dirty innards.

Oh, right...

Happy New Year.  It's 2009, right?  Cool.  Okay, let's move on then.