Mind, body and soul

I'm not doing too well these days. Not only am I sick, I'm also depressed. Again. Went to the therapist a few days ago and he suggested I change meds again. I don't wanna. I don't wanna be on the damn things. But I have to if I'm going to feel better. I can't go on using depression as an excuse not to go anywhere...wherever that is. It'll get better. Things will be fine. I can be happy.

New things

It's always nice be spoiled a little when you're feeling down. Over the weekend, Ronnie darling got me a new cell phone. It's one of those blackberry-like flip phones, with an actual keyboard. Now I can join the masses in ignoring the world and texting to my heart's content. Watch out, friends! Here come the pointless texts about the color of my poop!

Just kidding.


I have to keep it under control. I don't want to become addicted... Though I think it's already too late. DAMN EVIL CELL PHONES! My brain is going to rot. Some more.


Yes, Saturday was a good day. We also got Ron's Sirius satellite radio installed while we had some margaritas and guac at the nearby El Torito. The radio wasn't quite finished when we were done with lunch, so we headed over to the OL' Nave (I'm dropping too many names in this one...) and got me some capris. Three pairs of those and some cute t-shirts. We also stopped by the pet store to get the birds small play gym to move around the house. Then we got a new dish rack at BBAB. Hehe... Beebab. The old dish rack was all rusty and nasty in places. I can't believe how long I had it...I think 7 or 8 years. Utterly rediculous. Oh yes, and Ron got a few video games. So we covered all our bases and it felt good.

Sunday was more fun and errands... Ron gave one of the 17 bikes (of course I exaggerate...there were only 5) in our livingroom to a work friend for his kid, so we drove that to the guy's house. Then we had to return the dish rack because it was missing the silverware caddy. Once we got home I sat down to paint a little. I still haven't gotten the paints, new brushes and canvases I ordered last week so I grabbed a small old painting from college and painted over that. It's interesting to pick up a brush after it's been a few years. Heh...I need a little practice. But Mr. Fishy is turning out good. I'm gonna try to finish him this week. I'm so painfully slow...

That's about it for now. Other than I have a damn sore throat that won't go away. One side of my throat is all pully and painful. It's been doing this for a few days. I also have a headache in my eyes on and off. I haven't been sick in ages. I wonder if it has to do with the severe change in weather we had last week. On Monday and Tuesday it got up to 100, Wednesday dropped to 75 and by Friday it was in the mid sixties! Gotta love California... Anyway, I hope it goes away without turning into something dreadful.

Later...

The Slap Chop

Have you seen this commercial?!  "You're gonna LOVE my nuts!"

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Rock n' Roll HIDEOUS and Happy Anniversary to us!

We rented "Rock n' Roll High School" for the hell of it this past weekend. I'm sorry to those who like the Ramones but I cannot stand them. I think all of their songs sound the damn same. Then I finally got around to seeing this movie and GAWD ALMIGHTY is this guy HID-EE-OUS. Not only does he have this nasty face, his body is just WEIRD. He's all gangly and skinny but somehow he's got woman hips! Rent the movie, check out his woman hips and nasty patch in his jeans that looks like he pissed his pants. EEWWW! I guess rock stardom really does blind the women.

(Edit: Yes, Prolifique, that was one of the lamest movies I have ever seen.  I got distracted around the middle of it and started doing other things.  What a pile of shit.)

Speaking of rock stars, my lovely Mike Patton has finally decided to get the old Faith No More back together for a reunion tour in FUCKING EUROPE. Thanks, asshole! You'd better come to the US! Oh, but we're all a bunch of neanderthals here and he supposedly *hates* LA. Can't say I blame him. But his favorite place in the US in San Franscisco... I guess it's the artsy fartsy up north thing. I don't know. I just feel so...so slighted. Anus head. I'm mad at you, Mike! Humph!

So I'm trying to get all geared up to actually create some finished artwork. As in finished and matted. Gotta do a physical portfolio before I can do a digital one. I visited my artist friend Vicky on Sunday, the colorist who worked with me on that stupid children's book that went to hell. Hey, at least not all is lost, I made a great new friend out of it! She is such an awesome and talented artist. I can learn so much from her! I already did, by taking notes of all the supplies I will need to start bringing the countless sketches I have to LIFE. I'm going to start experimenting with water colors and black ink. I've been putting off this dreaded portfolio since high school. It's one of those 'big assignments' that scares me. All I have to do is START. It will happen.

Today is our 2nd wedding anniversary. It was a tough year, but by golly we dun made it! We celebrated with a wonderful prime rib dinner at Lawry's restaurant on Sunday. A beautifully, elegant place with beyond fabulous food. The evening would have been perfect, except for the fucking sqealing baby at the next table. NO where is sacred, not even a fancy restaurant. Why can't people hire a damn babysitter anymore?!

Anyway, rough times are expected in any marriage. It's getting through them that's the most important thing. I sure do love muh Ronnie-hole.

Underneath a pile of pointless thoughts

Ha! I forgot to post this the other day...from a late Easter greeting I received on Monday.

My mind is flooded with trash and I keep adding to the pile. I don't want to dump the trash, it's comforting. But I'm not accomplishing anything buy constantly worrying about the future and letting all these little things that make me angry crowd my mind! On one hand I know it's wrong and slowly driving me insane. On the other, I don't want to stop!

In trying to keep things simple so that I don't stress so much, I've made my life so boring. There are opportunities everywhere...passing me by because I'm too busy staring at all the uglyness that surrounds me. I continue to compare myself to others. It's so unhealthy to dwell on that crap but I can't seem to make myself stop. I keep concentrating on the bad and forgetting about the good. I can't be happy with who I am and it's making me sink into another depression. Wait...I think I'm already there.

Man, I waste so much time... I spend way too much time on the internet. It makes everything seem so huge and insurmountable to me, yet I'm so drawn to and fascinated by it. All the competition, all the people trying to sell themselves. I'm not good at it. I'm just another boring schmo. See? Negative thoughts again. Around and around and around. It doesn't have to be that way.

Like I say everytime I have this psychobabble with conversation with myself, all I have to do is take it one small step at a time. Think happy thoughts. Life is NOT pointless. There ARE good people out there who care. A big thank you to everyone who cares.

Nothing but shoulds

I got nothin'. My brain is soup. Inspiration, Motivation, Willpower... They elude me. I feel so worthless and shitty again. Where should I go from here? Does anyone have any suggestions? Any offers? Anything interesting? Do I have to keep plugging along? All I feel like doing is laying on the grass and staring at the sky all day long. Where is my spirit? Where is my faith? Where is my individuality? Where is my balance?

I should stay away from that place.
I should stop drinking so much.
I should stop eating so much junk.
I should stop smoking so much.
I should stop bitching and complaining.
I should stop hating myself.

I should be working.
I should be happy.
I should be thankful.
I should be moving on.
I should be learning.
I should be drawing.
I should be painting.
I should be volunteering.
I should be reading.
I should be accomplishing something.

Should, should, should. It's all so pointless. Why do I worry so much about what I should be doing? Meanwhile I continue to sit stagnant. My mental health is suffering. Who really gives a shit? Gotta keep trying, can't give up. I hate being a fucked up, emotional mess.

I was just getting my feet wet...

So the the job opportunity didn't work out. We had a great interview, I felt very comfortable and it went on for about 45 minutes. The woman who conducted it was very nice and even had a sense of humor. But I realized afterward that I'd made a few little typical mistakes. The feedback from the agency was just what I thought it would be... I was very nice and smart, but not quite the right fit. Overall I feel it was a good start, as I haven't actually interviewed in over five years. I'm glad I had the experience because it gave me the little boost in confidence that I needed. I even signed up at a second agency on Friday. They actually called me to come in, as I'd applied to one of their jobs online. Let's hope that having two agencies working will get me at least one temp gig this week. I can always hope...

In other news, Ron and I finally had our visit with therapist as a couple on Saturday. It went perfectly. Now I'm confident in this guy's ability. Ron was very enthusiastic and talked freely about the issues we'd been having. The therapist, M, asked some very helpful questions and gave helpful suggestions. In other words, he did his job. It's always nice when they do what you pay for, in' it? Once again, validation and general help is nice...too bad it's gotta be for a price. Yea, you know it's right when it rhymes. Hehe. At the end we got the option to go as a couple or for me to continue with the one on one. I told Ron that I wanted to continue on my own, with the option of him coming in only when it is imperative. That should work out fine for now.

Oh yes... I had a checkup on my little "device" on Friday. Seems it's "settled in" nicely into the exact right spot. I got to see an ultrasound of my insides for the first time. It was so fun to see my junk on t.v. I have a normal uterus that I'm trying to disable. Lovely...

That's about all for now. I must get back to work and make the most of my three days at the office.

Later!

I can DO this!

Wish me luck, I have a job interview tomorrow morning. Do you think writing about it here will jinx me? I should quit being so superstitious and believe in myself. I'm trying to replace the fear with confidence. Heh. How am I doing so far? Pfft...

I've been checking out the website and doing my interview homework. This place really looks like a good fit for me. Seriously though...almost ANYTHING is a good fit at this point. I knew my time at this place was finite and I've dragged it out way too long. I'm losing myself here. Day in and day out, the same bullshit. My fucking brain is melting! I cannot sit idly by anymore. I'm going to drive out to the place tonight. I don't care about getting stuck in traffic, I have to know where I'm going tomorrow. I don't need that extra stress. Then when I get home tonight I'll take a hot bath and go to bed. That's what I'ma gon' do. I'm gon' make this shit happen!

Man, the past few months... If it hasn't been my marriage, it's my job. Intense emotions back and forth between the two. I must change something before I go insane. When all is said and done it's about priorities. Gotta concentrate on my job situation, as it will determine my future. No shit, huh. I'm so...perceptive. Anyway, I can't leave a troubled marriage (which it isn't bad right now, really) if I don't have any fucking income. I need my independence. I also have dreams... I want my fucking jungle room, man! In like, a HOUSE and shit. Just a little house...

No big deal if this one doesn't work out. I just need to have the strength and perseverance to KEEP TRYING. Don't be afraid to shine. Okay, it's time to stop because I'm beginning to sound oh so horribly cliche.

Oh yea, I've got a couple pics from Satuday night to share. It was the two girls Cath(iey), me, Ron and a shitload of Cathie's friends and family. It was an actual movie-party. Remember that scene from Weird Science where he's introducing Lisa to his obviously shock stricken parents? They're like, "Where are you two going this evening?" and they simultaneously answer with, "We're going to a ______." and he says "movie" and she says "pah-ty". And he's all, "It's a...a movieparty..." Yea. Hehe. My favorite line from that movie is still the part where Robert Downey is trying to order a drink all cool-like from the coo brutha bartender. I love the answer he gets, "I tell you what, you ben' ovuh, I shove it straight up yo' ASSSsss." And he's answers all nervous, "On the rocks is fine..." HAHAHA! Haha. Hah. My family, friends and Ron are so tired of that one. I do it alla time.

Anyway, that's what we did on Saturday night. Went to see Darkman, Cathie's favorite movie. It is silly, fun movie CHEEZ. She's a total movie lover and frequents the theater for her favorite, Midnight movies! She's such a little night owl still. I had to take a nap in order to make it 'til 3 am. How pathetic is that? Okay, I'm rambling. Here are the pics. I gotta get some shit done.


Me, Ron and Cathy.


Me and the birthday girl, Cathie.

Awww...

M'kay, later...

She cancelled! Yaaay!

She's sick, the poor dear. She's been kinda under the weather all week and the symptoms got worse as the evening came. It used to happen to me... Come to think of it, I haven't had a true cold in a long time. I think it's been a few years at least. I never get sick... *knock on wood* I think it's the regular exercise. It may not be intense, but it is routine and that's probably doing wonders for my immune system. Yea. So I'm thrilled that I don't have to flake outta exercise tonight! Woo! Now I can drink wine, eat a yummy Gnocchi dinner and follow it with some cHoCoLaTe. Mmmmmm...fanny-head got me some yummies. Thank you, fanny-head.

I'm reading a new diary again. Haven't taken the time to get into one in a while. It makes me feel so much better to know that there are people out there who suffer with the same things I do. Relating to others is a good way to figure out your own shit. What was I just writing about? My fears? Check out this little blurb from my newest read, Bunny Suit:

"I was all set to give my two weeks notice today. I need to just quit, to start working temp jobs and look for a new job online in the other town. But I am so afraid. I think I am trying to get fired by default, so that I don't have to make the decision to leave. My entire family is passive/agressive, so I guess that is the only way that I know to deal w/things.

You know what really sucks? Being crazy and self-actualized at the same time. There is nothing worse than knowing that you're insane, knowing that your lunacy is showing like a hint of white slip sticking out of a virgin's summer dress. Everyone kinda tries not to look, but they really want to, it is their nature. And no matter how the innocent tugs at that dress, trying to cover it, the SLIP STILL SHOWS."

This is EXACTLY how I feel. We anxious depressies have so much in common. Anxiety leads to depression. It's a vicious cycle. And it is genetic. It doesn't manifest itself until later in life...usually AFTER you've bred like you're 'supposed' to. I would hate to inflict this torture on another person. I would hate to watch that person suffer.

As I sit here typing, Pickles and Punkin' have flown over to do their little birdie burbles in my ear. Stanley man has finally decided to curl up on the pillow next to me, instead of trying to lay down on the laptop. I'm so thankful for my pets. They have helped me through some terrible times. A blessed distraction. Oooh, I have a poop distraction to take care of. Time to put on my poop shirt.

The ugly side of me

That last post sure showed it, huh. I'm just working out these issues, I'll get over it. I'm very angry and defensive right now because I've made a choice that isn't common. But I don't have to be angry about it, that's the thing. I'm making it negative when it is really positive...for me. It's the right choice for me. No biggie. I don't have to give in to the urge to yell it from the mountains. I can simply take my path and shut the hell up. Well, I don't have to shut up all the way. It's okay to vent a little of the frustration out.

Work is sucking the juicy ass cheese right now. I don't wanna be there. The dynamic I've created between my boss and I is so unhealthy. She is nice in her own way, but I can't stand her personality anymore. One minute I'm cursing her in the closet and the next I'm kissing her little brown feet. I don't want to hurt her, I just wanna move on now. Why did I have to choose such a horrible time to finally get going and start looking for another job? Whine whine whine. Everyone is going through this right now. I feel so worthless...I know what I have to do and I'm letting fear take over like always! Just believe that it will all work out and it will. Believe in myself and my abilities. This has become a chant...

Don't feel scared
Don't feel crappy
Believe in yourself
And you'll be happy

Yes. That's it.

Melanie's coming over and we were gonna take a walk. I really don't feel like it. I've gone for walks all week. I actually went for a jog or walk Monday through Thursday. I don' WANNA go. But I always do this flaking on the walk thing with her. We don't do exercise together well. We always end up drinking some wine, making dinner, smokin' cigs and talking. We'll see what happens...maybe I should pretend to be asleep when she gets here. Right. I'm such a fluff. I'ma go feed the lil' kiddy katz some whett fooood!

What day is this?

Ahh...  So much to do, so little desire to do anything.  I'm at home today, no temp jobs for me yesterday either.  Although I did get a call about a potential position.  Not gonna talk about it or get my panties in a knot over it, just gonna let things happen.  

This is about the time depression seeps in.  Yesterday I combatted it by going for a long jog and going to a friend's house.  Today doesn't feel so...uhm...productive.  I did get up and make Ron a nice breakfast.  It's been nice seeing each other awake during the week for a change.  Now he's at work and I have nothing but time to do all sorts of things like vacuuming (my favorite!), cleaning out the bedroom closet, going for another long jog/walk (I might bring myself to a little later) and of course, drawing!  Yes, I was feeling so very inspired after my therapist appointment last week.  Where the hell did it go?  I don't even have the urge to doodle.  But here I am, typing away in a pointless blog.  Wait.  This isn't pointless.  Is it?  No...no...  At least I'm doing SOMEthing.

And now for a hilarious, distasteful poem about my favorite subject...

Bulging stomach, stretchy skins
Babies born with dorsal fins
Drunk teens, anal tears
Pregnant women falling down stairs
Your mom is drunk and loose!
Eat my pill or eat my gat
Ill slap you with my golden strap
Filthy sex drunken stupor
should have jazzed in her pooper
Pregnancy is an STD!
Drinkin' Gin and blackin' out
suckin' clit that tastes like trout
Ludes and Acid Triamenic,
rides to the abortion clinic
You were an accident!
I got a cure for this disease,
Say 'kick me in the stomach please'
All you want now is my cash!
Because I slipped a load in your monster gash!
Pregnancy is an STD!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!  Yea.  I know...I have issues.  Heh.

Progress and whatnot

This week is going pretty well, as did last week. I'm looking very forward to my therapist appointment tonight. I figure I'll go a few times a month, Ron is helping me out with the finances. He's also gonna go in for a visit in a few weeks. It's taken so long to get him in because of his schedule, it's gotta be a Saturday and the doctor isn't in on all Saturdays.

So, we've been working on things. He is trying, I can give him that. I need to do my part as well. The therapist is helping me with my response to Ron. I'm trying to do some of that 'cognitive behavioral therapy'. I need to train myself not to freak out all the time, as it's driving Ron nuts and I don't blame him. And of course I've changed since we married...he told me I seemed so confident and happy when he met me. He sees how I've lost that happy go lucky belief in myself. I told him I have because I feel beat down by the world...at work and by him. Of course there's lots more in this tangled web of working things out. Gotta keep on trying it one day at a time. Hey, at least we seem to agree on the kid thing now. He seems to be accepting it, especially after I made it clear to him that it wasn't going to happen anytime soon. He responded that he was too old (39) anyway and didn't want to start this late. I'm happy to hear this however, I still worry about future resentment. I guess we'll just have to see if he likes having a Hot Rod better than a snotnose. That'll probably happen around the time our circle of friends start having teens around, if we make it that long.

Other than that, I'm broke. Ah yes, 25 hours a week sure sucks! To think, I was almost making a decent living on my own. So I have to continue looking for another job, either part time or full, whatever comes along. I've signed up for the old temp agency I used to work for, just as a supplement. I'm going to sign up for another one next week. They can probably get me some interviews for a full time perm position...eventually. But I can't leave it all up to them, gotta put out other feelers. I hate this. I feel like I'm never going to find my place in the working world, that I'm always going to be scraping by in a job I don't like. I'm going to work on that with the therapist, too. I can't do what I need to do in life if I'm always just shy of completely fucking broke.

So I don't feel completely worthless, I finally colored my lovely Dog Poo Cone picture. I think I'm going to enter it in a contest my lovely friend Cathy told me about. Hehehe...lookit...



Yummy! However, I think I might be the only one who would wear that on a t-shirt. Heh...

And here is a great shot of Stanley, taken as he enjoys the new kitty tower.



We got the thing about a month ago and they both love it so much. It's about 8 feet tall. Of course Stanley is king, whenever he is up there Henry has no chance. But whenever Stan is with me on the couch, Henry is up there snoozin'.

Here's a nice shot of me, my nostrils and the birdies just hanging out watchin' tv together.



Ron had to take this shot, he always loves to see me happy with my pets. He thinks it's so cute. In' 'nat lovely? Yea, he does say and do nice things, I tend to concentrate on the bad a lot. Okay, I have to get ready to go for a walk. I need to exercise at least a little.

Later!

Crap, I'm locked out!

Hey, Razorvixen? Uhm...yea, could you email me please? I used to enjoy reading your blog and now when it starts to get interesting I'm locked out. That sucks. What about meeee?? Heh...

In other news, life goes on as usual. I realized that I must have had the world's worst case of PMS last week. I notice this pattern of emotional insanity happens every month. The week before my scheduled...ahem...period... *cough* ...I turn into a psycho. The pit of despair in my gut grows huge, EVERYthing bothers me, I get a HUGE zit on my cheek or chin that involves at least 4 pores, the world seems to be closing in on me... Then old Aunt Flo shows up and I feel much better. I sure hope it gets better now that I've gotten off the pill. Do you think it'll get worse before it gets better? I certainly hope not. Oh, and thanks for the interesting points, makes me feel a little better about being on the thing for so long. I just hope I don't have any problems with this thing and with the fact that there will no longer be hormones pulsing through me. What if I grow a beard? What if my nice curly hair turns to barbed-wire? What if my acne comes back ten fold?! EEEEK!

There I go again, worrying... It's what I do best! Hey, maybe I can get a job as a professional worrier. Just dump your load on my shoulders and I'll worry about it for you! No problem is too small, throw it at me! And, most importantly, pay me big bucks!!!

Nothing much else new. I'm sore as hell today, due to the fact that I haven't exercised in a few weeks again. Thought I'd try to make up for it by cramming it in yesterday and Monday. I did some kick boxing exercises with Melanie on Monday night, lots of fun. Then I went jogging and did some more kick boxing moves yesterday. Today is ouch city. I can't climb down stairs without limping and forget about sitting without falling (sorry toilet seat). I swear, I stretched! Apparently it wasn't nearly enough.

Ah yes, I finally did upload a few pictures from our lovely Tahoe trip. Better late than never!


We always like to start with the pretty view outside our window. In't that nice?


The resort from the front. It was a nice, cozy place as expected.


Just down this short road was the place we were to snow board. Ron went without me, as I mentioned before, too expensive to just fall on my ass all day.

Here are some nice shots from Ron's day on the hill:










It was a looooooooooooong run... Hehehe!


We had a nice hot tub in our room. I made sure to go 'swimming' in it first thing...


The usual shot of me doing my hair.


Being dorks in our room 'cause we can.


We took a hike one day and took this the following lovely shots...






I'm making my very first snow angel with my FULL set of snow clothes! Wow, no soggy undies this time!


Isn't that sumpthin'?


We need this pose in there, of course.


Ron pretending to pee. Nice, honey.


Oh lookies! I'm walkin' in thu snowz!


Had to go to the local pub for a beer after our hike. Yea.


Heh... Yea. It's a perdy place. We shall go back some day soon.

That's it for now!

Closed for Business - TMI but I'm onna write about it anyway...

It's been done, partially anyway. I went in on Friday to have my IUD put in place. A very simple procedure for now. It's supposed to last 10 years, so I'm gonna keep it in 'til I'm ready for a tubal. I got so tired of taking the stupid pill. It's going on 13 years I've been on it and that can't be good for my body. Time to break free from the pill! That lame, irritating commercial comes to mind... You know the one with the synchronized swimmers? "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, every daayyyy..." Not anymore! Yaay! I'm honestly not ready for the big snip yet. Call me chicken. I'm planning on doing it at 35 or so. Before that, I'd really like to get laser surgery on my eyes. Glasses are another thing I'm fed up with.

Other than that, not much else going on...thankfully. Last week was another difficult week, but we made it through. Now I'm just trying to relax because things could be much worse. I'm trying not to worry about work, as my hours are still cut in half. She tried to let us go back to normal for a while, but things just keep slowing down. It's time to start looking for a part time job for now. That's less intimidating than finding another full time one. I don't want to work at another company I don't like.

Back to work... Dammit, I keep forgetting to upload those damn pictures from my other 'puter! I'll get to it. Eventually. For now I'm going to concentrate on having a better week. Later!

HAH!

I remember THIS one!

There once was a woman named Jill
Who tried a dynamite stick for a thrill
They found her vagina
in North Carolina
and bits of her tits in Brazil

Fumbling in the Darkness

Things are okay. Some days are better than others. I can't help but feel I'm making terrible mistakes. I went to my parents house this past weekend, just to get away again. They miss me horribly because I've kind of been pulling away from the family lately. This visit was for my dad's birthday and Ron was purposely uninvited. I think I've gone and told my parents too much. I'm betraying my husband. But he could have come, all he had to do was ask. All he had to do was act interested. Oh, but he thought it would be 'far away' at my parents or brother and SIL. He didn't know he wouldn't have to drive to my family. Instead, he waited until I got home to tell me that he felt bad.

I'm trying, but I'm drowning in a sea of unhappiness with my choice. It's all my fault that I can't talk to my husband. I let it get this way. I gave him the wrong idea. I made him think that who he is is okay with me. It's not. I'm not doing this right at all. Oh wait, I'm seeing a therapist. That's right. And I'm going again tonight. I don't know how I'm gonna afford this, but I need it. I'm still so mad at Ron. We got in another fight this morning because neither of us wants to do what the other wants. This isn't a marriage, this is a fucking joke. Our fight this morning ended with him telling me to 'go ahead and file the papers'. Wow. He doesn't even think I'm trying. But I don't think he is, either. This is rediculous. This is not how it's supposed to be.

The state of my life makes me think of some favorite lyrics...

"Darkness makes me fumble...

...for a key...

...to a door...

That's WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide open!"

Emotional turmoil subsiding

Again, I have so much to say and so little motivation to write. Here's a quick rundown...

~I've found a therapist that couldn't be more perfect for me. He's an older gentleman, in his 50's, single with no children and he owns a bird! I got a very good feeling from our first meeting and will be seeing him again this Thursday.

~I finally had a chance to see my lovely astrologist friend, Lucy. I'd done some illustration work for her years back, she's the only one who has actually paid me for my work. I'm still driving the car she helped me buy. I'd originally met her at the restaurant I worked at 12 years ago. She's still around and has another illustration idea for me. I had her over one night last week to do my chart, as she'd done ten years ago. A little peek at my place in the universe type thing. Not something I base my entire belief system on, but something that's very interesting and usually pretty damn spot on. It was great catching up with her and getting a new perspective of my life at the same time.

~That friend Kim I've complained about on here...the one who never had time for me because she was building her business. Well, I finally grew up and got over it, we've managed to keep in touch a little more again. I was thrilled to get the opportunity to visit her this past weekend, as it had been three years since I'd last seen her. Aaahh...so nice to be able to get out of town for an overnight visit, which was only a little over 2 hours away. She's the one I'd met at a temp job about 8 years ago and we became fast animal friends. She was fascinated with my birds and fish and I was captured by her gorgeous horses and dogs. She's finally got her dream ranch in the works, boarding and training horses. One and a half days is not nearly enough to do all that we enjoy... Riding, feeding the horses, playing with the dogs, watching movies, listening to music, going to the local pet/fish store, drinking beer... I also brought Toby along this time. I always bring one or two of my flock for a travel weekend. She'd never met little Tobe, only Pickles...oh, and Leonard the half moon conure, back when I had her. So it was great fun.

~Ron and I actually had a nice heart to heart talk yesterday morning. I've officially started the 'working on it, let's see where this leads' phase. I think I'm getting a message across. Last Friday, after meeting with a new therapist and seeing what the stars have to say the night before, I was little excited and gung-ho about divorcing. That's a typical response. Now that I've calmed down a bit, I realize there must be more to this strategy. I'm not ready to run just yet. Gotta work on things more.

That's about it. I do have those lovely Tahoe pics, just have to upload them because they're on my OTHER computer. I keep forgetting. For now I'll leave you with my latest series, done for my boss' bathrooms. This time I decided to make them smaller on here, so they're not hidden behind all my damn archives. Speaking of that, anyone know how to organize archives on blogger? I'd like to smoosh 'em up into years. Thanks...

Anyway, hurray for me! I finished something again!

I guess you'll do...

I fucking LOVE IT

Was that a vacation?

I almost missed it the damn thing flew by so fast! But it was a very nice, relaxing vacation indeed. Until we got home, of course. It only took a day and a half for the shit to hit the fan again. I know, I know...I'm trying to do something about it, I really am. It just takes a bit of adjustment to realize that your marriage is going to hell. I'm the only one who thinks that, by the way. You know, 'cause I'm the crazy one with all the issues. He's just fine, dandy and normal and I just have to learn to live with it. That's not gonna happen. Calling the counselor's office first thing tomorrow, as they're not open today. Gotta at least try to make him see what he refuses to see.

I'll be back with pics from our trip. We got some beautiful pics...

Avocado Ice Creammmmmmmmmm

I can't do this losing weight thing...it...it just isn't in my power right now. I am WEAK, I tell you...WEAK! My officemate loves food and adores cooking. She's always bringing in yummy things for us to try. This morning she brought in some avocados and brown sugar to make some ice cream. Yes. Avocado Ice cream. It's deeeeeelicious and so very easy to make!

~1 Ripe avocado
~1/3 cup milk
~1/4 cup crushed ice
~1 tablespoon brown sugar

Cube the avocado into a cup. Add milk, ice and sugar and mix it all up until mostly smooth. There will be little lumps of ice and avocado, but it just makes it better chunky, in my opinion. Then place the mixture in the freezer for about 1/2 hour. Stir it up once more before you enjoy. So so so sooooo yummy. Did I mention how delicious and yummy it is?

Oh yes, and I've got good news and bad news...

The good news is that I think I've found a counselor for Ron and I. He and his woman partner work with couples separately at first, and then together, with all four people in the room. Melanie found him.

That's where the bad news comes in. Melanie found him because the bottom is falling out of her relationship. She's moved out and is currently at an extended stay hotel. Poor dear, but we both knew this was coming. Wanna know how she found this great counselor? One of her coworkers had a tragedy. One afternoon she gets a frantic call from her husband saying that he'd just found their 23 year old daughter DEAD in her bed. Hysterics ensue...workplace emotional counselor is called.

It's been a very difficult six months or so for both Melanie and I. We've both had our share of work and relationship problems. I visited her last night so she could catch me up on the sordid details of the last two weeks of her life. Not good at all. Turns out she's most likely going to be laid off in the next 4 to 6 months as well. Poor, poor dear. But hey, that's what friends are for. She's always been there for me and I will always be there for her. We will help each other through this. I am so thankful for friends like her.

When we get back from vacation, I am making an appointment with this counselor. I don't give a shit what it costs, it is IMPERATIVE that we get in there...and I mean WE.

Now ya gotta check this shit out... HAHAHAHA!!! I LOVE IT!

M'kay, now I need to go take an aspirin for this SCREAMING headache.

Later...