"...if you've been on drugs for two or more years and you still have depressive fits, there is one of two possibilities:
1) Your brain chemistry is eternally fucked, and you are at the absolute mercy of your synapses and the corrosion they pump out.
2) You're fucking up your life in some subtle way, and the drugs have enabled you to continue that lifestyle, acting as a cushion to keep you artificially happy when everything in your life is screaming, This is wrong, this is wrong, this is wrong.
One of those answers leads into a spiral of helplessness. The other puts you in a place that you can fix.
The choice is up to you."
Read these words on a bloggers entry about getting off of Paxil. This is happening to me. I can't let it. I can't, but I am... I'm so scared. I can't go on being afraid of life. I feel like I'm messing up big time. The cushion is gone, the cracks are huge. All I want to do is escape.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
A lovely poem
"They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you
But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.
Philip Larkin (1922-1985)"
They may not mean to but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you
But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.
Philip Larkin (1922-1985)"
It's not fair to place ALL the blame on the parents, but they sure do fan those developmental flames.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Some more phun with photobooth
I had an old friend over last week. Here are the best shots from our little "session". Gawd, computers are so damn fun!
Woops, the picture's kinda big...
Lemme push it down a bit with a bullshit entry.
BULLSHIT, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
Now can you see the picture below?
Now?
...
...
...
...
...
...
How 'bout now?
BULLSHIT, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
Now can you see the picture below?
Now?
...
...
...
...
...
...
How 'bout now?
Have you ever seen an elephant on the toilet?
Mr. Bunny reports... The Asian Elephant moved to Africa to take advantage of the superior plumbing.
Thank you...and your rather large stogie...Mr. Bunny.
Next we move to the jungle, where Big Yelluh Beerd an' pal have made themselves at home.
Yes, it's another day in paradise. What else is new? Nothing much. I will make it through another 8 hour day. I will jog this evening. I will try my best not to eat too much before I go to bed tonight. I will also try to work some more on the sketches I'm doing for my boss' bathrooms. May as well do artwork when I can. If she wants it, she's got it.
That reminds me of that stupid children's book project gone to hell... What's it been, like six months now? Four? I don't know...all I know is that we've never heard from that guy again. I'm so tempted to write him an email to tell him what a huge pussy, piece of shit, waste of time he is, but what would that accomplish? Exactly nothing. Gotta be the bigger person and move on. I'm still trying to get together with the colorist so we can try to collaborate on a story, but that doesn't seem to be happening very soon. We're still in touch, but she's been very busy. Especially since her daughter just had another baby.
I almost forgot, we're going to Lake Tahoe in a few weeks. I'm going to use up the last of my vacation days for the year. It's the last little distraction or us for the time being. Ron will get to snowboard in nice powder and I'll get to...well... Fall on my ass in nice powder. This will only be my fourth time on the hill. I went once last year and twice two years before that. Melanie, her boyfriend and her brother have gone several times over the last couple of years and I haven't joined them. I should so I can get the hang of it. It's so hard for me, I hope I start to get it in Tahoe.
What else...what else... I always just throw the entries together. Right off the top 'o my hay-ed. Oh yes, one of my favorite bloggers, Natalie Dee, who I am removing from my blog list after I post this, has had a baby. I hadn't looked at her webcomic in a while, as I'd gotten bored with it. I didn't realize it had been that long, until I saw her new pic on my shitspace. There she is in the classic pose with trophy baby on her lap. Why am I so surprised? Well, I remember one of the things I liked about her was that she didn't like kids and didn't want any... Supposedly... They had two adorable pugs. Ah, but things change, don't they! Of course they do. I dunno...I guess it's more proof that, "It's DIFFERENT when it's your oowwwwnnn..." Yea. Have fun, Natalie, I've completely lost interst in you now. Like it fucking matters, she's got sixty million readers and buyers of her art now. Me? Jealous? What gives you THAT idea? I'm just an unhappy, sarcastic bitch that always has to compare her loser self to everyone else. Another bad mental habit of mine, but who's counting?
Monday, January 19, 2009
Chugging along up that hill
Is today supposed to be a holiday? Yea? Right? Yea. I never get it off anymore so I don't remember. It's celebrating the life and works of...of who? Why, the MLK man of course. Cheers to him. I'm working for him, instead of taking the day off like alla rest of these lazy shits. HAHA! At least I'm working a full time week, instead of the part time hours I'd been forced to take over the past two weeks. So hey, at least I'm working and earning money. I'm thankful for that, especially right now.
Oh goody, I don't get the day off but our IT guy's office is closed today! It's been two weeks and we STILL cannot send outgoing emails. Our email server is in Poland... My boss is going nuts because I cannot fix this. It's driving me crazy!
Breathe... It'll be okay...
In other news, I've decided to quit drinking. No more drinking excessively while on antidepressants. And I wonder why I'm gaining weight and feeling horribly depressed all the time. Not to mention I can't make a good decision for the life of me. I've finally done some more reading on these chemicals I'm putting into my body. Gee, ya think maybe I should follow the directions on my prescription label? The ones that specifically say DO NOT CONSUME ALCOHOL WHILE TAKING THIS MEDICATION? Think that'll help? Maybe??
I gotta go work now. This internet at work has become such a bad habit for me. Must train myself to work. Work! WORK you!
Oh goody, I don't get the day off but our IT guy's office is closed today! It's been two weeks and we STILL cannot send outgoing emails. Our email server is in Poland... My boss is going nuts because I cannot fix this. It's driving me crazy!
Breathe... It'll be okay...
In other news, I've decided to quit drinking. No more drinking excessively while on antidepressants. And I wonder why I'm gaining weight and feeling horribly depressed all the time. Not to mention I can't make a good decision for the life of me. I've finally done some more reading on these chemicals I'm putting into my body. Gee, ya think maybe I should follow the directions on my prescription label? The ones that specifically say DO NOT CONSUME ALCOHOL WHILE TAKING THIS MEDICATION? Think that'll help? Maybe??
I gotta go work now. This internet at work has become such a bad habit for me. Must train myself to work. Work! WORK you!
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Distractions - How 'bout some more pics?
Hi. I'm not feeling so hot again. Trying my best though.
This morning was another fight. We're not communicating and it's both our faults. Not just me, not just him...BOTH. It's difficult. I am trying to be positive and not implode like I've been prone to do over these past months. My boss is noticing and it's been affecting my performance at work.
Speaking of work, I have to take back all those horrible things I said about my boss. Erase, erase, erase... I am being unfair. I have to do my job. This is my lot in life, I chose it. I can get out if I really want to. But I am weak and scared right now. It's all I can do to continue on the sane path from day to day. Stop letting all this shit into my head. Day by day. I can make this one a good and productive one.
What was that I was saying about pics? Yes. Let's see the lovely things that distract us from our inability to really communicate, understand and respect each other...
Warning...there is no rhyme or reason to these shots. They're just fun. Let's start with the Meticalla trip to the beautiful town of Fresno, California...
The view outside our lovely little hotel room. There's my little beat up, red Honda in the parking lot. I love how the trees finally started turning. It only took until December!
More trees outside our room!
Lighting one of the many smokes of the night. This one was before the show, while we were still in our room...uhm..."preparing" to leave.
Here we are on the lawn outside the venue. I certainly look "prepared" to go into the concert here, don't I? Complete with gut sticking out, white bra showing through the black shirt and tossed look on my face. Yep, send me in babe.
What? You expected to see pictures of Metallica playing? HAHA! Heavens no, we weren't allowed cameras...even though I snuck ours in (literally in my panties, looked like I had a dong but I got in with it)...we didn't think of turning off the flash to get shots. No no. This one of me in bed after the show is much more revealing. I went to bed hungry that night, as all two fast food restaurants within our drunken reach were PACKED to the gills.
The next morning. Isn't this exciting?
The giant bird shit on my car. Had to get a shot of that as we were leaving. Such texture...
The long road home.
Far out, indeed...
Trailers for sale!
Oh, when the hell is all this "rain" they keep saying is coming gonna BE HERE already?!
Road trip! Yaay!
Are you ready for the fantastic shots from our Mike Patton concert experience in the city?
The view from our hotel room at the SF Hilton.
Another view, the following Friday. It got foggy goggy in Sanie Frannie. In' that somethin'?
The inside of our hotel room.
Yea. Those are pretty much it for our trip. That and the tickets we downloaded and printed. We got a shot of the sign outside the music hall on Ron's phone and I got a few grainy shots of Mike on mine. No camera, again, even though we had it with us for the trip. They were allowed in, just no flashes. I guess we just didn't want to deal with it getting ruined. Plus, the shots wouldn't have been much different from the jillions I've seen online. At least I've got the unique experience in my head. And I'll see Patton again...
Photographer I am not... But I'm working on it. Here, have another shot of the fish tank for good measure...
...and another...
...aaaaaaaaaaaaand one more...
I just love how this thing is turning out.
Anyway, that's it for now. I'll try to do better with the trip to Lake Tahoe in February. Yea, we're gonna do that for our vacation instead because we can't afford Hawaii right now. Shit, by the time I get to see that place it's going to be overrun by tourists and ruined. Oops, there I go again, be negative and bringing it onto myself. I must be happy with what I have and work with it. Work with it...
Later, ya'll.
This morning was another fight. We're not communicating and it's both our faults. Not just me, not just him...BOTH. It's difficult. I am trying to be positive and not implode like I've been prone to do over these past months. My boss is noticing and it's been affecting my performance at work.
Speaking of work, I have to take back all those horrible things I said about my boss. Erase, erase, erase... I am being unfair. I have to do my job. This is my lot in life, I chose it. I can get out if I really want to. But I am weak and scared right now. It's all I can do to continue on the sane path from day to day. Stop letting all this shit into my head. Day by day. I can make this one a good and productive one.
What was that I was saying about pics? Yes. Let's see the lovely things that distract us from our inability to really communicate, understand and respect each other...
Warning...there is no rhyme or reason to these shots. They're just fun. Let's start with the Meticalla trip to the beautiful town of Fresno, California...
The view outside our lovely little hotel room. There's my little beat up, red Honda in the parking lot. I love how the trees finally started turning. It only took until December!
More trees outside our room!
Lighting one of the many smokes of the night. This one was before the show, while we were still in our room...uhm..."preparing" to leave.
Here we are on the lawn outside the venue. I certainly look "prepared" to go into the concert here, don't I? Complete with gut sticking out, white bra showing through the black shirt and tossed look on my face. Yep, send me in babe.
What? You expected to see pictures of Metallica playing? HAHA! Heavens no, we weren't allowed cameras...even though I snuck ours in (literally in my panties, looked like I had a dong but I got in with it)...we didn't think of turning off the flash to get shots. No no. This one of me in bed after the show is much more revealing. I went to bed hungry that night, as all two fast food restaurants within our drunken reach were PACKED to the gills.
The next morning. Isn't this exciting?
The giant bird shit on my car. Had to get a shot of that as we were leaving. Such texture...
The long road home.
Far out, indeed...
Trailers for sale!
Oh, when the hell is all this "rain" they keep saying is coming gonna BE HERE already?!
Road trip! Yaay!
Are you ready for the fantastic shots from our Mike Patton concert experience in the city?
The view from our hotel room at the SF Hilton.
Another view, the following Friday. It got foggy goggy in Sanie Frannie. In' that somethin'?
The inside of our hotel room.
Yea. Those are pretty much it for our trip. That and the tickets we downloaded and printed. We got a shot of the sign outside the music hall on Ron's phone and I got a few grainy shots of Mike on mine. No camera, again, even though we had it with us for the trip. They were allowed in, just no flashes. I guess we just didn't want to deal with it getting ruined. Plus, the shots wouldn't have been much different from the jillions I've seen online. At least I've got the unique experience in my head. And I'll see Patton again...
Photographer I am not... But I'm working on it. Here, have another shot of the fish tank for good measure...
...and another...
...aaaaaaaaaaaaand one more...
I just love how this thing is turning out.
Anyway, that's it for now. I'll try to do better with the trip to Lake Tahoe in February. Yea, we're gonna do that for our vacation instead because we can't afford Hawaii right now. Shit, by the time I get to see that place it's going to be overrun by tourists and ruined. Oops, there I go again, be negative and bringing it onto myself. I must be happy with what I have and work with it. Work with it...
Later, ya'll.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Sleepy times
Wow... I'm finding lots of fun pictures on the cameras. We got a new camera, the other one was screwin' up. I managed to download some pictures from the old camera and this was one of them. Oftentimes I fall asleep on the couch. Ron gets home from work to find me in various states of sleep and likes to make it a photo op. 
Stanley is also included in the fun...
Looking at these pictures just cracks me the hell up. Thanks, sweetie. I love it when you're feeling 'creative'.
Thursday, January 08, 2009
Too much to say, too little time
This is kinda how my head feels as of late, so...so very scrambled. I have much to say, so little time to write it all out here. I will get to it though, I must. It's one way of organizing these thoughts. In short, work and marriage continue to be difficult. I've gained weight. My back is killing me... Feeling kinda lost. Oh, but that's just the usual. I have uploaded some pictures, don't have time to write out the story that goes with them just yet.
SOOoo... I'll leave you with this wonderful picture of my Stanley man. You see, I was cleaning the spider cage over the weekend and left the room for a minute to grab some plastic bags...
He just coudn't resist the Rosie food crickets hopping around in there! Of course Rosie was NOT in the tank at the time.
I was obviously laughing when I took this one. Ron comes in, "What's so fuh- OH MY GAWD..." I had to get a shot of his dirt "goatee". Tehehehehe! Cats!
Monday, January 05, 2009
Let me just say this...
Being only two rows back from the incredible Mike Patton had to be one of the greatest experiences I've had in my entire life. Seriously... Spending New Years Eve 2008 with my hubby at the Great American Music Hall in San Francisco is a night I won't soon forget. I'll be back with more details and maybe even a few pics of our trip to the city's dirty innards.
Sunday, January 04, 2009
Monday, December 29, 2008
Dragging
Hi on another dragging ass Monday. I haven't been in the mood to do much of anything lately. I've had puh-lenty of time to blog at home, but here I am doing it at work again. Let's just say I need the distraction.
Christmas day was nice and cozy. I'm glad it was cold and rainy for a change. We spent it at Ron's moms with her roommate, Ron's step-grandfather and his mom's ex-husband. MIL's roommate happens to be her ex-husband's (not Ron's father) sister. Yea. Interesting group of people. Sorta. The MIL is a very nice woman who has learned from her mistakes. As I've mentioned, Ron's childhood was less than stellar. His father has been out of the scene for 17 years. I've never hated someone I've never met so much. Ron hates it when I call his dad an asshole loser, but it's true. A step father or two later, here we are. This particular ex-husband is a total idiot who only becomes less annoying the more he drinks. How annoying, you ask?
"So! When are you guys gonna give us a couple of crumb snatchers?"
"You know you're not an adult until you have children and a family of your own."
"You won't understand until you have kids, they totally change your life. You'll never know the meaning of selflessness until you have them."
And so on and so forth. I shouldn't let it bother me. I shouldn't let it make me feel like I'm letting them down. Who gives a shit what they think, right? At least the MIL didn't bug us, as she is aware of the situation. She understands it as no kids right now.
Anyway, the dinner was good. We didn't give out gifts because this year we decided to take a break and just do cards. Step-grandfather was very sweet and still wanted to play Santa, so he gave us each little gifts... A nice book of poetry published by one of his friends from home in Virginia, some pretty angel figurines and a book about the legends of Christmas. He did the shopping all on his own, it was the cutest thing. We spent the rest of the evening watching cheesy movies. Ever seen "Mamma Mia"? If you're at all allergic to sweets, do yourself a favor and skip it.
So, the rest of the weekend just sorta slithered by. I did manage to get some laundry done and get my oil changed, but it was another slovenly weekend for me. No exercise, either. I've been taking this month off, but it makes me feel even more like shit. I need to get back into it next week because I've been far too lazy. I'm enjoying sleep way too much.
I was able to get out of the house on Saturday to visit my new friend Erica. She and I have really hit it off. Turns out she read my blog a few years ago while living in North Carolina with her ex husband. Now she's here in Cali with a new hubby and a new baby. It's nice hanging with her, it's like we've always known each other. I also really enjoy playing with her baby. I guess I've been giving Melanie a break. I haven't seen her all month and I'm starting to miss her. I tried to get the three of us together for a baked artichoke night (something Mel and I love to do) at the beginning of the month so Melanie could meet Erica, but it didn't turn out. I'm hoping to do it within the next coupla weeks.
This is finally the week of Fantomas on New Years Eve. I've been looking so foward to it, for obvious (Mike Patton) reasons. I can't WAIT to be in the same room with him! Apparently this venue is pretty small so it won't be like watching an ant on the stage. I'll be sure we get there WAY early, too, 'cause it's first come first served. I'm so glad we're flying to San Francisco this time. Only an hour travel time leaves lots of free time open to do what we missed on the last trip. Yay. And speaking of trips, I forgot to mention how great the Metallica show on December 13th was. We took the 2.5 hour drive out the Fresno and arrived in the early afternoon. This gave us plenty of time to eat, relax and drink some beer. The show was only four blocks away from our cute little hotel, so we were able to walk there. Once again, Ron got us amazing seats...three rows behind the pit. It was bowl type seating, so we were able to see everything...not to mention feel the heat of the pyrotechnics. Nothing like a metal show with plenty o' pyro. Well, I've been writing in here on and off all damn day. Time to close up and get out. Happy New Year!
Christmas day was nice and cozy. I'm glad it was cold and rainy for a change. We spent it at Ron's moms with her roommate, Ron's step-grandfather and his mom's ex-husband. MIL's roommate happens to be her ex-husband's (not Ron's father) sister. Yea. Interesting group of people. Sorta. The MIL is a very nice woman who has learned from her mistakes. As I've mentioned, Ron's childhood was less than stellar. His father has been out of the scene for 17 years. I've never hated someone I've never met so much. Ron hates it when I call his dad an asshole loser, but it's true. A step father or two later, here we are. This particular ex-husband is a total idiot who only becomes less annoying the more he drinks. How annoying, you ask?
"So! When are you guys gonna give us a couple of crumb snatchers?"
"You know you're not an adult until you have children and a family of your own."
"You won't understand until you have kids, they totally change your life. You'll never know the meaning of selflessness until you have them."
And so on and so forth. I shouldn't let it bother me. I shouldn't let it make me feel like I'm letting them down. Who gives a shit what they think, right? At least the MIL didn't bug us, as she is aware of the situation. She understands it as no kids right now.
Anyway, the dinner was good. We didn't give out gifts because this year we decided to take a break and just do cards. Step-grandfather was very sweet and still wanted to play Santa, so he gave us each little gifts... A nice book of poetry published by one of his friends from home in Virginia, some pretty angel figurines and a book about the legends of Christmas. He did the shopping all on his own, it was the cutest thing. We spent the rest of the evening watching cheesy movies. Ever seen "Mamma Mia"? If you're at all allergic to sweets, do yourself a favor and skip it.
So, the rest of the weekend just sorta slithered by. I did manage to get some laundry done and get my oil changed, but it was another slovenly weekend for me. No exercise, either. I've been taking this month off, but it makes me feel even more like shit. I need to get back into it next week because I've been far too lazy. I'm enjoying sleep way too much.
I was able to get out of the house on Saturday to visit my new friend Erica. She and I have really hit it off. Turns out she read my blog a few years ago while living in North Carolina with her ex husband. Now she's here in Cali with a new hubby and a new baby. It's nice hanging with her, it's like we've always known each other. I also really enjoy playing with her baby. I guess I've been giving Melanie a break. I haven't seen her all month and I'm starting to miss her. I tried to get the three of us together for a baked artichoke night (something Mel and I love to do) at the beginning of the month so Melanie could meet Erica, but it didn't turn out. I'm hoping to do it within the next coupla weeks.
This is finally the week of Fantomas on New Years Eve. I've been looking so foward to it, for obvious (Mike Patton) reasons. I can't WAIT to be in the same room with him! Apparently this venue is pretty small so it won't be like watching an ant on the stage. I'll be sure we get there WAY early, too, 'cause it's first come first served. I'm so glad we're flying to San Francisco this time. Only an hour travel time leaves lots of free time open to do what we missed on the last trip. Yay. And speaking of trips, I forgot to mention how great the Metallica show on December 13th was. We took the 2.5 hour drive out the Fresno and arrived in the early afternoon. This gave us plenty of time to eat, relax and drink some beer. The show was only four blocks away from our cute little hotel, so we were able to walk there. Once again, Ron got us amazing seats...three rows behind the pit. It was bowl type seating, so we were able to see everything...not to mention feel the heat of the pyrotechnics. Nothing like a metal show with plenty o' pyro. Well, I've been writing in here on and off all damn day. Time to close up and get out. Happy New Year!
Monday, December 22, 2008
We're few and far between
So the 20th was the annual family Christmas party. Aunts, uncles (what's left of them), cousins and cousin progeny. My mom's side of the family, chuck full of what I've come to call "breeders". They're the ones who also have the annual family Beer Bust every July, which consists of basically the same group of snobs, I mean, people.
Ron described the party as a "mind numbing" experience, and he was dead on. He'd tried his darndest not to drink during the thing, only to cave about halfway through. I know he was trying to be "good" and that was very noble of him... However, I did not expect him to try to do so during a boring family get together. I mean, I couldn't even handle being sober. I beelined to the kitchen for a Bud within the first 10 minutes of our arrival.
The only ones we were happy to see were my lovely parents and a couple of the cousins. Oh, and my elusive brother Steve, who usually manages to have to work on the day of the party. I'm so glad he was there, along with my cousins David and Deanna...the only other two adults who haven't thrust their DNA replicants upon us. Cousin David is gay and has a lovely partner and cockatoo that he calls family. Cousin Deanna and her husband Billy, on the other hand, are childfree and living in Vegas with two chihuahuas. They hardly ever come to the big get togethers, usually because they have to work or just have enough time to hang out with the nuclear family for a day or two. I've been meaning to call Deanna for months to see why she is childfree and to discuss my feelings with her. I was so happy to see her at the party so I could finally talk to her!
About an hour into the thing I managed to get into a private conversation with her in one of the bedrooms that didn't happen to have a pile of screaming children in it. I was like, "I HAVE to talk to you, you're the ONLY other adult woman here who hasn't bred!" She was only too happy to talk to me about it. She congratulated me for having the brains to really think about such a life altering decision and to conclude that I really wasn't cut out for the job. It's the same thing she and her husband of 13 years did when she was 25. They were still dating when they decided that children weren't for them.
"There is NOTHING wrong with feeling that way..." AAAaahhhh...
I'm at the stage of this decision during which I need much validation. I'm sorry, but I do. Women who don't want children are few and far between, at least in my neck of the woods. I suppose if I was more in the music, arts and entertainment industry, I might very well meet lots of people who think like I do. As of now it's only been on the internet...which is a helluva lot better than nothing, lemme tell ya! It's great to get advice and validation from people who don't think I'm going to change my mind in a few years. My cousin Deanna is the first real childfree person I've gotten to talk to since I became all gung-ho about it. I loved being able to express my feelings toward humanity and to have someone squeal with delight that they thought the same damn thing! So we exchanged numbers, as she doesn't have the internet just yet. But I'm going to make it a point to go out to visit them this year. I'm not crazy about Vegas, but they're the type who live there and stay as far away from the strip as possible. I can handle that. I don't hang out with her at all and she really is a sweet person. I've never taken the time to get to know her and what better time than now? She seems to share a lot of my personality traits. Gee...I wonder if it's 'cause we're fucking RELATED. Deerr...
Anyway, we didn't get to talk as much as I wanted to, before we were interrupted by a bunch of kids. Not to mention the arrival of the Invetro Fertilization Queen cousin Debra and the Almighty Child. She's the one who married the filthy rich (but very nice and humble) guy and quickly pumped out two bratty, entitled sons who are now 5 and 7. You see, she was in her late thirties when she finally found Mr. Right Money Pants. They got two boys and Debra wanted a girl. Not to be denied of anything she WANTS, they got IVF. They showed up just as Deanna and I were leaving the bedroom. Debra had the little squirming thing in a pretty, velvety red dress, complete with giant velvety red bow wrapped around the head to match. Of course she was cute, as far as babies go. But I certainly didn't want to hang around with all the other cousins and grandmas and worship it.
Thankfully, one of my other cousins brought one of her little doggies, a mangled chihuahua. It was the runt of the litter and a little screwed up. One of its legs is almost useless and sort of just hangs there. I don't know the extent of its problems, all I know is that I find it much cuter than the trophy baby. I made sure to carry that thing around so I wouldn't have to hold the Christ Child. I also spent a lot of time outside smoking with the "outcasts".
I should mention my other cousin and his broodmare wife, who is on her fifth child. I honestly think she's addicted to being pregnant because that's all she's been for three years. She's got two older girls (10 and 13) from a previous boyfriend. Since marrying my cousin she's had a boy, 3 and a girl, 2. They're wanting the sex of this bun to be a surprise. I think that's sweet and old fashioned...that's about it though. Anyway, we had to hear, several times over, about her near birthing the day before. She's been getting pains and bleeding some...Ugh... Yea, could you save that 'til AFTER we eat? She's due to drop it any time now. So all she had to talk about was that, which is less than entertaining.
That was the weekend. Nothing else notable...oh except for the fact that my other cousin Mark, from my dads side...the one whose girlfriend and now wife has basically supported him since he hasn't worked in ten years, is getting a house. Yes, his wife's parents are loaded and if he and wifie can give them a grandchild, they get a house. I found this out through my brother Steve. Mark hasn't told Ron and I because he knows it will piss us off. You see, he's been skating through life and this drives Ron nuts. Ron always helped Mark, but Mark never returns favors because he has no car, no money, no freedom from a nagging woman. He already has a 15 year old son from when he knocked up a girlfriend, who later married someone else. Mark would get the kid on weekends, when he was sober...but never had to pay child support. It went on like that for a long time, him not working and living with the girlfriend, who he finally married after 10 years. Now, they're apparently working on a kid, which they also haven't told us about. I'm sure that's because Ron and myself have told them that we probably won't have kids. I expressed it with more enthusiasm in an email I sent Mark a few months back. Now he makes me sick. Of course I can't TELL him that because I'm not supposed to know. We have to act all excited when and if they tell us she knocked up. We have to try our best to be happy for them and not be bratty. It's the adult thing to do. Hopefully that house will be far away so that Ron can move on from that friendship like he's been trying to do. Mark has always been kind of an asshole and it really sucks to see him acting all goody-two-shoes for his controlling wife while he tries to knock her up. You know, because NO ONE can get married and not have a cement baby! I just hope he doesn't screw this one up, 'cause he got WAY lucky with the first one.
Sooo...yea. There's some family dirt for ya. I've gotta go try to concentrate again. Happy short week.
Ron described the party as a "mind numbing" experience, and he was dead on. He'd tried his darndest not to drink during the thing, only to cave about halfway through. I know he was trying to be "good" and that was very noble of him... However, I did not expect him to try to do so during a boring family get together. I mean, I couldn't even handle being sober. I beelined to the kitchen for a Bud within the first 10 minutes of our arrival.
The only ones we were happy to see were my lovely parents and a couple of the cousins. Oh, and my elusive brother Steve, who usually manages to have to work on the day of the party. I'm so glad he was there, along with my cousins David and Deanna...the only other two adults who haven't thrust their DNA replicants upon us. Cousin David is gay and has a lovely partner and cockatoo that he calls family. Cousin Deanna and her husband Billy, on the other hand, are childfree and living in Vegas with two chihuahuas. They hardly ever come to the big get togethers, usually because they have to work or just have enough time to hang out with the nuclear family for a day or two. I've been meaning to call Deanna for months to see why she is childfree and to discuss my feelings with her. I was so happy to see her at the party so I could finally talk to her!
About an hour into the thing I managed to get into a private conversation with her in one of the bedrooms that didn't happen to have a pile of screaming children in it. I was like, "I HAVE to talk to you, you're the ONLY other adult woman here who hasn't bred!" She was only too happy to talk to me about it. She congratulated me for having the brains to really think about such a life altering decision and to conclude that I really wasn't cut out for the job. It's the same thing she and her husband of 13 years did when she was 25. They were still dating when they decided that children weren't for them.
"There is NOTHING wrong with feeling that way..." AAAaahhhh...
I'm at the stage of this decision during which I need much validation. I'm sorry, but I do. Women who don't want children are few and far between, at least in my neck of the woods. I suppose if I was more in the music, arts and entertainment industry, I might very well meet lots of people who think like I do. As of now it's only been on the internet...which is a helluva lot better than nothing, lemme tell ya! It's great to get advice and validation from people who don't think I'm going to change my mind in a few years. My cousin Deanna is the first real childfree person I've gotten to talk to since I became all gung-ho about it. I loved being able to express my feelings toward humanity and to have someone squeal with delight that they thought the same damn thing! So we exchanged numbers, as she doesn't have the internet just yet. But I'm going to make it a point to go out to visit them this year. I'm not crazy about Vegas, but they're the type who live there and stay as far away from the strip as possible. I can handle that. I don't hang out with her at all and she really is a sweet person. I've never taken the time to get to know her and what better time than now? She seems to share a lot of my personality traits. Gee...I wonder if it's 'cause we're fucking RELATED. Deerr...
Anyway, we didn't get to talk as much as I wanted to, before we were interrupted by a bunch of kids. Not to mention the arrival of the Invetro Fertilization Queen cousin Debra and the Almighty Child. She's the one who married the filthy rich (but very nice and humble) guy and quickly pumped out two bratty, entitled sons who are now 5 and 7. You see, she was in her late thirties when she finally found Mr. Right Money Pants. They got two boys and Debra wanted a girl. Not to be denied of anything she WANTS, they got IVF. They showed up just as Deanna and I were leaving the bedroom. Debra had the little squirming thing in a pretty, velvety red dress, complete with giant velvety red bow wrapped around the head to match. Of course she was cute, as far as babies go. But I certainly didn't want to hang around with all the other cousins and grandmas and worship it.
Thankfully, one of my other cousins brought one of her little doggies, a mangled chihuahua. It was the runt of the litter and a little screwed up. One of its legs is almost useless and sort of just hangs there. I don't know the extent of its problems, all I know is that I find it much cuter than the trophy baby. I made sure to carry that thing around so I wouldn't have to hold the Christ Child. I also spent a lot of time outside smoking with the "outcasts".
I should mention my other cousin and his broodmare wife, who is on her fifth child. I honestly think she's addicted to being pregnant because that's all she's been for three years. She's got two older girls (10 and 13) from a previous boyfriend. Since marrying my cousin she's had a boy, 3 and a girl, 2. They're wanting the sex of this bun to be a surprise. I think that's sweet and old fashioned...that's about it though. Anyway, we had to hear, several times over, about her near birthing the day before. She's been getting pains and bleeding some...Ugh... Yea, could you save that 'til AFTER we eat? She's due to drop it any time now. So all she had to talk about was that, which is less than entertaining.
That was the weekend. Nothing else notable...oh except for the fact that my other cousin Mark, from my dads side...the one whose girlfriend and now wife has basically supported him since he hasn't worked in ten years, is getting a house. Yes, his wife's parents are loaded and if he and wifie can give them a grandchild, they get a house. I found this out through my brother Steve. Mark hasn't told Ron and I because he knows it will piss us off. You see, he's been skating through life and this drives Ron nuts. Ron always helped Mark, but Mark never returns favors because he has no car, no money, no freedom from a nagging woman. He already has a 15 year old son from when he knocked up a girlfriend, who later married someone else. Mark would get the kid on weekends, when he was sober...but never had to pay child support. It went on like that for a long time, him not working and living with the girlfriend, who he finally married after 10 years. Now, they're apparently working on a kid, which they also haven't told us about. I'm sure that's because Ron and myself have told them that we probably won't have kids. I expressed it with more enthusiasm in an email I sent Mark a few months back. Now he makes me sick. Of course I can't TELL him that because I'm not supposed to know. We have to act all excited when and if they tell us she knocked up. We have to try our best to be happy for them and not be bratty. It's the adult thing to do. Hopefully that house will be far away so that Ron can move on from that friendship like he's been trying to do. Mark has always been kind of an asshole and it really sucks to see him acting all goody-two-shoes for his controlling wife while he tries to knock her up. You know, because NO ONE can get married and not have a cement baby! I just hope he doesn't screw this one up, 'cause he got WAY lucky with the first one.
Sooo...yea. There's some family dirt for ya. I've gotta go try to concentrate again. Happy short week.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
It's true...
Witty is right! I AM AWESOME! I CAN CREATE! I really shouldn't forget that I DO have a fair amount of talent. I'm lucky to be one of those creative types, even though sometimes it feel like a burden when the evil "shoulds" catch up to me...namely what I SHOULD be doing with it. The only person who knows that is me. And I don't have an answer right now so I may as well just keep the fuck on drawing. What can it hurt?
Here's the Christmas card I made for the company this year. I made our products into ornaments. Some of you Catholic types might recognize a few of those things...I'm not naming any of them of course, because I certainly don't want this blog to be found by anyone having to do with the shitty industry I'm in...
Remember last year's card? I liked how that one turned out, too.
Then there's this little logo type thing I was working on for a guy who was trying to get his surfboard business off the ground. They're beautifully hand crafted out of wood and then sealed, of course. Of course it's not going to happen, given our current shitty situation. I wish it would though, I'd love to do graphics for a small company that makes artistic, crafty things.
Yes, more religious-like work from someone who is SO NOT into religion right now it's not even funny.
That Radiohead song comes to my head right now... The one that goes, "You do it to yourself, you do..." I really do. Okay, but I know that. Time to move on...until I come right back, that is. Happy Thursday and coming weekend...
Here's the Christmas card I made for the company this year. I made our products into ornaments. Some of you Catholic types might recognize a few of those things...I'm not naming any of them of course, because I certainly don't want this blog to be found by anyone having to do with the shitty industry I'm in...
Remember last year's card? I liked how that one turned out, too.
Then there's this little logo type thing I was working on for a guy who was trying to get his surfboard business off the ground. They're beautifully hand crafted out of wood and then sealed, of course. Of course it's not going to happen, given our current shitty situation. I wish it would though, I'd love to do graphics for a small company that makes artistic, crafty things.
Yes, more religious-like work from someone who is SO NOT into religion right now it's not even funny.
That Radiohead song comes to my head right now... The one that goes, "You do it to yourself, you do..." I really do. Okay, but I know that. Time to move on...until I come right back, that is. Happy Thursday and coming weekend...
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Trying hard to make it through the Hellidays
I'm really feeling low this week. I mean L-O-W. I'm sorry to be a downer, but I can't help it. I feel horrible. I can't STAND work, I'm letting the same old things bother me and I'm NOT in the fucking "holiday" spirit. Especially since my "bonus" this year is getting paid for the four days I have off in the next two weeks. Then I get my hours cut again. I know I should be thankful to have a job and money coming in. Plus I have a husband who has a very good job. I just want to quit this place. I'M SO TIRED OF IT. But I can't. Then I'll feel even MORE worthless.
Now I have to create a FUCKING Christmas card for this shithole when I'm feeling about as creative as a corpse. I went to the doctor last week and got some new meds that I'm supposed to switch over to, however I don't want to fuck with anything until after the Fantomas concert. I'm very excited about that trip and Ron is trying so hard to make me happy...I really appreciate it...yet I'm still falling into this hole. I'm trying to stay out, I really am, but I can't. I just can't. I don't want to talk to someone, I already know how I feel and what is going on. I know I have to switch these stupid meds, that I wish I had never started taking. I hate being dependent on a pill. I'm afraid of switching because it's gonna make me crazy. It's gonna make me all irritable and foggy. I want to be someone else. Someone who knows how to feel happy about herself and who she is and what she's decided to do with her life. I don't want to be the bitter old lady with 10,000 cats, but it looks like I'm headed that way. This hatred and anger is killing me.
Now I have to create a FUCKING Christmas card for this shithole when I'm feeling about as creative as a corpse. I went to the doctor last week and got some new meds that I'm supposed to switch over to, however I don't want to fuck with anything until after the Fantomas concert. I'm very excited about that trip and Ron is trying so hard to make me happy...I really appreciate it...yet I'm still falling into this hole. I'm trying to stay out, I really am, but I can't. I just can't. I don't want to talk to someone, I already know how I feel and what is going on. I know I have to switch these stupid meds, that I wish I had never started taking. I hate being dependent on a pill. I'm afraid of switching because it's gonna make me crazy. It's gonna make me all irritable and foggy. I want to be someone else. Someone who knows how to feel happy about herself and who she is and what she's decided to do with her life. I don't want to be the bitter old lady with 10,000 cats, but it looks like I'm headed that way. This hatred and anger is killing me.
Friday, December 12, 2008
...and THIS!
So I've gone ahead and added the LOL Catz link to my side bar there, right under Cuteoverload. I cannot get enough of these! I'm so thankful to the animal loving people who have put these sites together. Nothing warms my heart more than an adorable animal picture.
As usual, the animals know best.
*SSSSQQUEEEEEALLL!!!!* I just wanna shove his kewt lil' fuzzy face in my mouf!!!
Some days are very much like this.
You're lucky if you haven't dated or been married to a guy like this. HAHA!
Spooooky kitties iz gonna GITCHA! *REEEEAAAWWWRRRRWWRRR!!!!!!*
...I'm onna scratch yer eyes out... You'll LOVE it!
As usual, the animals know best.
*SSSSQQUEEEEEALLL!!!!* I just wanna shove his kewt lil' fuzzy face in my mouf!!!
Some days are very much like this.
You're lucky if you haven't dated or been married to a guy like this. HAHA!
Spooooky kitties iz gonna GITCHA! *REEEEAAAWWWRRRRWWRRR!!!!!!*
...I'm onna scratch yer eyes out... You'll LOVE it!
This and That
I came into the office this morning to get some great emails...
And this: http://www.stupidvideos.com/video/all/Boogie_Hedgehog/#215782
Happy Friday!
And this: http://www.stupidvideos.com/video/all/Boogie_Hedgehog/#215782
Happy Friday!
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Thursday and I'm hangin' in there...
I had another rockin' time with the guys last night...brother, cousin and friend. It's so relaxing to spend an evening fooling around with music. I made sure not to encourage the dog to be spastic this time and he calmed right down. I didn't feel much like wrestling anyway, I was dragging my butt yesterday. Feel a little better today, though. I'm trying to gear up for a jog but I don't know if I'm going to make it. We'll see how I feel once I get home from running errands.
This year I've done something different for the Holidays...I haven't touched the decorations. Our apartment is so cluttered and crappy I just have no desire to put out a bunch of shit that I'm just gonna have to put away again in a few weeks. I'm not in the spirit at all and I don't even want to try. I know I'm only bringing all of this misery onto myself. Ah, but why not spread it? Everyone just LOVES a negative, scowling bitch.
Not much else to say that isn't complaining, so I should probably end this and think about birdies and butterflies while I sit in traffic.
This year I've done something different for the Holidays...I haven't touched the decorations. Our apartment is so cluttered and crappy I just have no desire to put out a bunch of shit that I'm just gonna have to put away again in a few weeks. I'm not in the spirit at all and I don't even want to try. I know I'm only bringing all of this misery onto myself. Ah, but why not spread it? Everyone just LOVES a negative, scowling bitch.
Not much else to say that isn't complaining, so I should probably end this and think about birdies and butterflies while I sit in traffic.
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
She nailed it
One of my regular reads (not gonna link her 'cause she likes to keep a low profile) pretty much nailed the reasons for my anger right on the rusty 'ol head. There are only a few minor differences. I don't have to be angry about these things because they are simply fact. I have nothing to be sorry about.
"10. Enjoying a good buzz.
9. Laughing at fart jokes.
8. Not talking to one of her sisters. (For me it's not relating to and therefore not wanting to talk to one of my brothers)
7. Being impatient with people less intelligent than she is.
6. Honking at old people who drive 40 miles an hour on the highway. (For me it's not just the old people, it's EVERYONE in this shithole L.A.)
5. Wishing there was no such thing as religion.
4. Wanting time to herself.
3. Not wanting children.
2. Dating a younger man. (For me it's being married to an immature man, as much as he HATES to hear it)
1. Hating her job.
So there."
Right there with ya, sistah!
"10. Enjoying a good buzz.
9. Laughing at fart jokes.
8. Not talking to one of her sisters. (For me it's not relating to and therefore not wanting to talk to one of my brothers)
7. Being impatient with people less intelligent than she is.
6. Honking at old people who drive 40 miles an hour on the highway. (For me it's not just the old people, it's EVERYONE in this shithole L.A.)
5. Wishing there was no such thing as religion.
4. Wanting time to herself.
3. Not wanting children.
2. Dating a younger man. (For me it's being married to an immature man, as much as he HATES to hear it)
1. Hating her job.
So there."
Right there with ya, sistah!
Monday, December 08, 2008
I don't know where the sunlight ends and the starlight begins
It's all a mystery...
I spent the whole day yesterday laying around when I could have gotten things done. I just did NOT feel motivated, whatsoever. I've got the major depressies still... Trying to make the best of things but having the hardest time.
For starters, I'm worried about my husbands health. He has to stop drinking so much if he's going to make it to his 50th birthday. He is 39 years old and too old to be drinking so much damn beer. At least it's not hard alcohol, but it's still alcohol. I try to talk to him in a non accusatory way so that he doesn't feel threatened. He has to be ready to stop.
Then there's my job... I still have it, but I'm hanging by a thread. Boss gave us notice this time, that if we continue to be slow (we've slowed down again and it's making her panic as usual) we're going to have our hours cut again in January. I've been looking for a job, but not hard enough. I have to physically walk into some of the places I want to work and I haven't gotten the courage yet, especially during these horrible times. Plus, I'm not really sure where I want to work or what the fuck I want to do. I don't care enough... It's so difficult out there. *whah* Excuses, excuses...
It seems my insecurity is back with a vengeance as well. Thinking and worrying too much have put me here. I can't seem to commit to anything...exercising more, eating better, smoking less... I feel okay, but I know I could be better.
And this endless urge to get out of here. I'm so tired of Los Angeles and the surrounding overcrowdedness. I long to go somewhere quiet where there aren't so many fucking people everywhere. But for now I'm stuck here.
Why am I so angry at the world and at myself? Why can't I just accept it and move on? All of this endless worrying and anger is going to shorten my life.
*sigh*
Enough whining for now. How about the stuff I have to look FORWARD to? Well, we've got the Metallica concert up north next weekend. Then we have the much anticipated Fantomas concert in San Francisco with my darling Mike Patton. And since we won't be able to do Hawaii this year, we're going to Lake Tahoe in February instead. I'd rather be scuba diving instead of falling on my ass trying to snowboard again, but it'll still be a beautiful vacation that's spent somewhere relaxing and nature-y instead of at home. I hope the local mountains get a least a little snow soon so that I can get a little practice in...
Another thing to look forward to? Rescuing a large parrot. Ron wants one almost as much as I do. We'll be doing some research for a while. We obviously can't have a large macaw at our apartment so I'm just going to have to be patient. It'll be worth it though...someday I will have my jungle room.
I spent the whole day yesterday laying around when I could have gotten things done. I just did NOT feel motivated, whatsoever. I've got the major depressies still... Trying to make the best of things but having the hardest time.
For starters, I'm worried about my husbands health. He has to stop drinking so much if he's going to make it to his 50th birthday. He is 39 years old and too old to be drinking so much damn beer. At least it's not hard alcohol, but it's still alcohol. I try to talk to him in a non accusatory way so that he doesn't feel threatened. He has to be ready to stop.
Then there's my job... I still have it, but I'm hanging by a thread. Boss gave us notice this time, that if we continue to be slow (we've slowed down again and it's making her panic as usual) we're going to have our hours cut again in January. I've been looking for a job, but not hard enough. I have to physically walk into some of the places I want to work and I haven't gotten the courage yet, especially during these horrible times. Plus, I'm not really sure where I want to work or what the fuck I want to do. I don't care enough... It's so difficult out there. *whah* Excuses, excuses...
It seems my insecurity is back with a vengeance as well. Thinking and worrying too much have put me here. I can't seem to commit to anything...exercising more, eating better, smoking less... I feel okay, but I know I could be better.
And this endless urge to get out of here. I'm so tired of Los Angeles and the surrounding overcrowdedness. I long to go somewhere quiet where there aren't so many fucking people everywhere. But for now I'm stuck here.
Why am I so angry at the world and at myself? Why can't I just accept it and move on? All of this endless worrying and anger is going to shorten my life.
*sigh*
Enough whining for now. How about the stuff I have to look FORWARD to? Well, we've got the Metallica concert up north next weekend. Then we have the much anticipated Fantomas concert in San Francisco with my darling Mike Patton. And since we won't be able to do Hawaii this year, we're going to Lake Tahoe in February instead. I'd rather be scuba diving instead of falling on my ass trying to snowboard again, but it'll still be a beautiful vacation that's spent somewhere relaxing and nature-y instead of at home. I hope the local mountains get a least a little snow soon so that I can get a little practice in...
Another thing to look forward to? Rescuing a large parrot. Ron wants one almost as much as I do. We'll be doing some research for a while. We obviously can't have a large macaw at our apartment so I'm just going to have to be patient. It'll be worth it though...someday I will have my jungle room.
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